'00s Trash: Tiptoes (2003)

I sure hope this doesn't effect your chances this year, Gary.  We know that isn't true- playing a British Ruler gets you an Oscar no matter how bad the Film is.  Today's Film is Tiptoes, a 2003 Film that is somewhat famous on the Internet for its Trailer.  Yes, it is a real Film.  It exists.  This Film is notable for its weird mix of great Cast and terrible Concept.  How do you get so many good people for something so bad?  The Cast includes Gary Oldman (my reason for watching), Matthew McConaughey, Kate Beckinsale, Patricia Arquette and Peter Dinklage.  It also features the Backwards-Talking Man- this time not replaced with an angry twig.  The Plot involves Matthew and Kate as a Couple who are unexpectedly-expecting.  Why does the guy seem so upset about it?  Well, I'll get into it.  Just stick with me and you'll enjoy the ride.  Speaking of rides...

These 2 are a happy, good-looking couple.  Nothing can go wrong for them!

The guy is keeping a secret- he comes from a family of Little People.  His Brother is Gary Oldman...on his knees.

This was apparently 'The role of a Lifetime' according to the Trailer.  Yeah, no.

She gets pregnant- since they apparently have unprotected sex 2-3x a week- and he's not happy.

Why?  Since he knows how hard it is to have a Little Person grow up- through his brother- and he's not sure if he could handle putting a kid through that- that being life itself.

So here's the thing: this is impossible.  The most common form of Dwarfism needs 2 people with the genetic trait.  The less common version requires one person with that trait.  6 foot whatever guy doesn't have that trait.

When she finds out about his family, she tries to learn about things.  That and wear this terrible hat that Kate Beckinsale really wanted to wear on-screen.  Was it worth it?

On the flip-side, the time that she's not wearing said hat is the time she has this hair.  Way to kill the drama, Stylist!

After their wedding, we get a fade to black- must be where the Cuts were- and they have given birth to a Little Person Baby.  F--k Science!

This makes the guy get more and more upset- after another fade to black- and she goes to temporarily stay with his Brother at his Cabin.  Oh and his two friends- Patricia Arquette and Dinklage- are there.

They are so important to the Plot that I can just not mention them until now.  Also like how I didn't mention David Alan Grier banging Oldman's girlfriend until now.

A bunch of time passes and the Husband arrives to talk to his Wife.  He says that he's working on himself and she says that she still loves him.

Following that, she goes out that night and makes out with Oldman...as the Film abruptly stops.  The End.

So that happened.  Tiptoes is a weird mix of bad Movie and good Movie.  On one hand, the entire premise is bullshit.  They could not have a Little Person Child unless a Witch cursed them (or an evil Dwarf).  The fact that the entire Third Act is built around this actually happening is dumb as hell.  This could have been avoided if they just built the Film around the lead-up to them actually having the kid.  Play up the drama of them expecting and preparing for the worst.  Give them a happy ending with McConaughey learning to accept that they may have a Little Person baby...and they don't.  Everyone wins.  Speaking of which, the expert they talk to in order to prepare for the baby is a Little Person- which is just super dumb.  Does he not know how Genetics work?  Does he not have Google?  Hell, this might actually be a far better Film if they play off the idea that everyone but the Husband knew the obvious science.  Just be all 'Yeah, we knew that this wouldn't happen.  How did you not?'  Cue joke trombone and/or the Curb Your Enthusiasm music.  The final turn doesn't really make sense, as this should really end in a less direct manner.  Oldman is mad that this ex-girlfriend kept cheating on him, so he is now going to just make out (and more) with his Brother's wife?  Nice.  Speaking of which Oldman as a Little Person.  No.  He's not a bad Actor and I don't know why the hell he would want to do this.  If they had just had Dinklage play the Brother, it would work.  A cursory IMDB Search shows that Dinklage and McConaughey are the same age too!  But no, be a great Actor in this Film that will (and should) haunt you forever.  At least Hippie Skank Patricia Arquette isn't affected by this (until I mentioned it just now)...

Next up, a Cult Classic that I'm finally going to watch/review.  When in doubt, avoid Haiti.  Stay tuned...

Mondo-Filipino: For Your Height Only

Who does not love midgets?  I mean, they're like people, only they can fit in most backpacks!  There is one name that any fan of foreign action and adventure should know: Weng Wang.  I'll give you a moment to stop laughing.  Now then, Mr. Wang...this is not helping, is it...was a big ...okay, I'm not trying to do that...star in his home country.  His star status came from a series of movies in which he plays Agent 00.  Get it- he's short, so he doesn't get the full name!  You may think that the joke is lame...and you would be right.  Even so, this movie is pure awesome in a can- see you later, Prince Albert!  Don't believe me?  Check out my review of...

For Your Height Only

The movie begins with our hero (Weng Wang) in action.  In the first shot of him, he is wielding a full-sized machine gun, as if his small stature was not extremely evident.  He is a spy who works for the government and must stop the evil plans of Mr. Big.  Damn you, Chris Noth!  By the way, when I said I was using that review format last- I lied.

*

+ Agent 00 is given a bunch of gadgets by his boss, including a ring that can detect poison (don't ask), X-Ray Glasses and a remote control flying hat.  They all get one use (i.e. Wang catches a woman trying to poison him) and are never seen again.

+ Agent 00 befriends the girlfriend of a gang member and gets her help on getting information.

+ While battling one guy in a hotel, the fight ends in a room occupied by a woman.  With a simple 'Hey, wanna screw,' she falls for him.

+ Agent 00 kicks a lot of as, although most of it involves him punching/kicking people in the groin.  In fairness, that is right in his line of sight.

+ Near the climax, Agent 00 flies a jet pack over to the enemy's base.  Suck on that, Black Samurai!

+ He also beats up a bunch of men in karate gear with a katana.  Thankfully, they have one that is to scale

+ The final battle involves Mr. Big who...is a dwarf.  I guess being 4" tall instead of 3" tall counts, huh?  They kung-fu fight, but you already know who wins.

*

Like I said, this movie is awesome.  It has no right to be, but manages nonetheless.  Weng Wang had an odd star power that is simply unexplainable.  It is hard to imagine that a 2'9" action star could work, but he does.  The movie is not meant to replace the James Bond movies and is just meant to be fun.  In that regard, it succeeds.  The Mondo Macabro release of this comes packed with Challenge of the Tiger, which is a nice bonus.  If you like weird movies, this is a must-see and, just maybe, a must-own.

*

Up next, the direct-to-video sequel to the American remake of a J-Horror film.  When you can't get Kristen Bell to be in your movie, what does that say?  Stay tuned...

WTF Denmark?!?: The Sinful Dwarf

This is one of those movies like Lady Terminator that just somehow did not get reviewed quickly. There is really no reason for it other than my absentmindedness or something else showing up to distract me. When stuff like Star Wreck or Eternal Evil of Asia hits my door, it distracts me from other things at the time. Well, allow me to make up for this oversight today. As for the other oversights (i.e. Hawk the Slayer, Mystics in Bali, etc), I'll get to them later. Today's film is a curious, Danish horror movie- which is something that is often forgotten about when compared to Italian or Spanish ones- about a young couple who moves into the wrong tenant dwelling. The film is full of odd characters, all of which surround a nice, nubile woman. Is it good though? Well, find out in the full review of...

The Sinful Dwarf

The story begins with a young couple trying to find a place to live. They are newlyweds, but money is tight. The husband, you see, has lost his job and needs to get a new one. The duo end up at a very unfriendly-looking apartment building that is run by a weird old lady and her son. By the way, her son is a dwarf, not that this is really a surprise. He is extremely-creepy and basically pictures the woman naked the whole time he leads them to their place. That night, the couple talk about tomorrow and have some nice 'only in a foreign film' sex. Does it add anything to the story? Nope. On the plus side- boobs. He leaves the next day to go find work, leaving our heroine to stay in the creepy place. Our hero, ladies and gentlemen! As if things could not get weirder, we learn that the mother likes to sit around her room and sing show tunes. She is hideous-looking and, as a bonus, has the dwarf playing piano for her. This is like Absolutely Fabulous, only not done ironically. I should also mention that there is still more salacious content to come. Is there more logic though? No, not really.

*

As it turns out, the apartment building has a secret. Up in the attic, the old lady and the dwarf keep a group of naked, drugged-out women. They use the police as a house of prostitution as well as a tenant dwelling. Of course, the police have no idea that all of these drifters are coming in and out of the same building on a regular basis. On top of that, a steady supply of drugs is shipped in to keep the women high and pliable. That one, they at least try to cover by having their drug dealer also be a toymaker. Mind you, he has been delivering lots of children's toys to a house with an old woman and a dwarf without any children. Every day, the husband leaves and the woman is left to just wander around the building. She gets too close to the truth, but finds out nothing just yet. The husband finally gets a job, but, in a lazy twist, it turns out to be for the man who delivers the drug-filled toys to the dwarf's building! This really is a small world, huh? All the while, the dwarf continues to be creepy. The plot is barely-moving, but at least he is interesting.

*

Finally, our heroine stumbles upon the room where the drugged out whores are kept, but sets off a loud, noisy toy in the process. She is grabbed by the old woman and dwarf & somehow overpowered. I get that you are a woman-in-peril, but how weak are you? They rip off her outer garments and chain her up, but she is magically-naked when we see her next time. It was sure nice of her to let them take off her underwear, huh? The husband is left with a fake note from the wife about how she could not take being married to him anymore, which he actually buys for a while! A policeman who has barely been seen at all begins to interject himself into the story and question the toymaker. Back at the house, our heroine has been given her first taste of the addictive drugs given to the women and is actually used by a customer! Our heroes finally figure out that something is going on, leading to a finale involving a shooting, some stabbing and a falling dwarf. I should mention again that they fail to stop the woman from being raped! The End.

*

Wow, this movie is...um, something. The plot moves at a really slow pace & they try to cover it with some nudity. That only worked for the first thirty minutes, guys! The blond who plays our lead heroine apparently did not work again after this movie, which is a shame. What's not a shame is that the director- who just reveled in the sleaze- seems to not have worked again either. The real selling point of this movie is the lead: Torbin Bille. As the titular dwarf, he steals the show in every scene he is in. You are not going to rent this movie for the plot though, are you? You want to see a salacious film starring an evil dwarf? In that regard, the movie does not disappoint. In every other aspect, it is not so good.

*

Next up, how else can I close up my look at flesh-eating films without covering the most famous one of all time? Was the movie worthy of being banned in over 25 countries? Stay tuned...