Rare Flix: Meet the Hollowheads

When you give someone complete creative control, crazy shit like this can happen.  Today's film is Meet The Hollowheads, the one and only film by Thomas Burman.  He didn't die or fall into a Black Hole or something- he just only Directed once.  He has worked and continues to work as a Make-Up Effects guy in films like Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978), The Goonies (which explains a bit later) and current stuff like...Grey's Anatomy.  It's true- he works on the show right now!  Jumping back to 1989, he was given free reign to make his own film.  The result: a 1950's-style Sitcom Plot if it was Produced by Dr. Seuss on Acid.  It is weird.  It is damn weird.  Notable Cast Members include John Glover- who has played The Riddler, Dr. Phosphorus and Lionel Luthor- and Juliette Lewis, the latter of whom was trying to segue out of playing younger roles.  While she still plays a Teenager, this is definitely not the normal role for Teen Actresses!  If you ever wondered what would happen if a man who mostly made monstrosities for films actually got to write one, this is a good object lesson.  To see how this crazy mess plays out, read on...

Since it was made in 1989, Meet has a Rap Song introducing all of the Characters.  It was made in that awkward time before Rap became mainstream.  See Waxwork II or Adams Family Values...

Anyhow, the Dad works at...the Pipes and is bringing the Boss to Dinner in order to get a promotion.

The youngest son comes home with a black eye he got in a fight.  The Mom has a cure: strap him into a machine and let a giant leech thing suck the blood out!

You all have one of those right?

She spends most of the film preparing dinner.  In this weird, possibly-post-apocalyptic world, this is done by luring a creature's...hand (I hope) past this hole and then chop it off!

As the old saying goes, you have to chop a few monster dongs to make a monster dong omelette!

The family is quite odd- shockingly.  The young son has weird toys in his room, the daughter- Juliette Lewis- is apparently kind of a whore and the oldest son plays...this.  It is a...something.

Anne Ramsay makes her final screen appearance- since Burman created the Sloth make-up for The Goonies- as a crazy lady who is in charge of the Pipes.  She yells at the son and his friend- who were sent out to get it fixed- and just generally acts odd.  She's also subtitled...while speaking in English.

The Boss comes over, but acts like a real jerk.  On top of that, he abuses the young son and hits on the Mom pretty fierce.

On the plus side, the older kids are off doing drugs (among other things).  Oh...wait.

Things 'go South' eventually and the Boss gets very aggressive.  They keep thinking that he's dead- after about 3 times that he should be- but he keeps getting back up.

Things get worse when the older son shows up high off of his ass and the daughter is brought back shortly thereafter by the Police- with Bobcat Goldthwait?!?- also high off of her ass.  Oh and she was gang-raped....because funny?

In the End, the Boss is taken down AGAIN and left lobotomized in their basement with Grandpa (don't ask!).  Don't worry- Mr. Hollowhead gets the promotion...by just saying that the Boss gave it to him.

Everyone wins...except for the Boss and their super-creepy dog.  The End.

What in the blue hell was that?!?  This rare film from the 1980s is just plain weird.  The thing about it that is freaky is that it is structured like an old-school Sitcom.  It is a story grounded in reality, but done in such a bizarre way.  The Dinner- crazy, multi-colored mush made out of freaky, monster parts.  The Boss- a freak who gets mutilated many times in self-defense.  The Job- working at a Slime Factory around the Pipes.  The Family- a bunch of people with odd vices and personalities.  In many ways, it foreshadowed stuff like The Addams Family films that would come a couple years later.  The best and worst thing you can say about the film is that it was clearly made by a Special Effects (in this case, Make-Up) Guy.  You could see that in the overly-stylish aspects of Catwoman.  The film is a great showcase for the bizarre, Practical Effects that Burman brought/brings to the table.  In that regard, I really like it.  I can't say that is is my favorite film right now, however, since, well, it is full of weird, freaky imagery.  I wasn't ever 'grossed out' like some people would be, but they are a freaky sight to see.  If you are into that kind of thing, it is worth checking out.  Burman seems to only have been given one chance to do much more than do Make-Up Effects- you decide how you feel about that.  Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to put my face on...

Next up, some new crap in the form of a DTV Sequel...to a Remake...which already had a Sequel.  I love it when films blatantly lie to you!  Stay tuned...

70s Class: Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978)

It is about time that I continue to watch this 'series' in the most random of orders.  True story- the first full-length Body Snatchers film I saw was The Asylum's Invasion of the Pod People.  No, really.  Mind you, I had seen parts of the first two movies through the years, but never watched them in one sitting.  After that, I moved to...the 1993 Remake, since it was hard to find for a long time.  It is not great.  While I still have yet to see the Original film (which I will rectify shortly) or the 2007 Remake (less of a priority), I thought it was time to get around to the most revered Remake.  After all, I do own it (as part of a 3-Disc Set with Alien and Lifeforce...for some reason).  What do you need to know?  Pods from Outer Space are here and the human race is going to be replaced.  Will we go down without a fight?  No way- we have...2 Health Inspectors, a Shrink and Jeff Goldblum on our side.  We might be boned, folks.  To find out what happens, read on...

Say what you will about how great a tool CG can be, but look at stuff like this.  It was made on the cheap in 1978 (back when computers were HUGE).  The early forms of the aliens are literally drops of viscous fluid bought for $5.

See- you do learn some neat things listening to Commentary Tracks.

Our heroine (Brooke Adams) is the first to get close to the alien invaders when her boyfriend...Art Hindle (?!?) is taken over.

While the withering husks from the 1993 Version look neat, I admire the subtlety of how we just see Art sweeping up his old body in a dust pan the next morning.  It is elegant in a way if you think about it.

What is also a neat touch is seeing this one guy (in the blue coat) suddenly running down the street and being pursued by some people.  They don't highlight or change the music for this bit- it just happens.

In arguably the best Cameo of all-time, the late Kevin McCarthy runs up to warn our heroes, only to be killed by Pod People moments later.

It is a great reference to the Original, while also feeling like a part of the Story.  It is a tricky balance to achieve, but they did it.

As things escalate and nobody believes our heroes (since their evidence keeps going missing), they find a friend in Leonard Nimoy and his weird leather glove.

Naturally, he turns out be evil.  Even before he played this role twice in three years (2009's Land of the Lost and 2011's Transformers: Dark of the Moon), he was doing it back in 1978.  Weird typecasting.

As freaky as the 1993's Effects are, the ones here in the Garden Scene are freaky too.  Ew.

All hope seems lost when they are captured.  This leads to the other reason that Nimoy is here: to deliver the back-story for the aliens in a sophisticated manner.

After all, this is the man who made Bilbo Baggins seem...okay, I can't finish that sentence.

This is Man-Faced Dog.  He will be in your nightmares for the next week.  He says 'Hi.'

Let it also be said that this is one of the best and most effective Twist Endings of all-time.  It is not a cheat, but it still shocks.  Even thirty-six years and millions of views later, it still rocks.  The End.

Even after all this time, it still rocks.  I have watched films from pretty much every Decade (even this Melies film to cover the 1890s) and each one is notable in some way.  Films from the 1960s are trippy and/or Slapstick, while films from the 1990s feature Vanilla Ice/Andrew 'Dice' Clay.  In that way the 1970s Films are generally slower-paced and more subtle (except for Peckinpah).  For many of those films then, the audience is more limited than it should be.  Us youngsters want quicker results sometimes and can't get into many Classics for that reason.  Having said that, I can't imagine that there are alot of people who can't get into this one.  Right off the bat, you get (subtle) tension and it only builds from there.  It is still not 'fast paced' by today's standards, but you connect with the Characters quickly.  Speaking of Characters, how come I never saw Art Hindle in a film before Offspring, but now I just keep running into him randomly in films?  What are the odds of that?!?  I honestly have no real complaints about the film.  It is funny to see Jeff Goldblum playing the same Character in 1978 that he still basically plays now.  One thing to watch is how Donald Sutherland does all of his Stunts near the End, apparently almost getting burned badly in the process!  I also love the Soundtrack, especially the part where it goes from joyous to sad when the Plot changes in a Scene.  If you still haven't seen this film Classic, do it already!  If you have, see it again.  Remember, Robert Duvall is watching...

Next up, I take a two-part look at films about mowing.  I'm sure there must be more to this if they made two films about it.  Stay tuned...

'90s Trash: Body Snatchers (The Invasion Continues...)

Oh boy, another pointless Remake from the 1990s.  For all of the (deserved) hate that Platinum Dunes and Ghosthouse get for the constant Remakes/Revamps, the 1990s were equally bad for this kind of thing.  Just recently, I watched the 1995 Remake of Village of the Damned (by a good Director!) and didn't like it.  I had similar misgivings towards the 1998 Remake of Carnival of Souls (also by a good Director!).  Early on in the site history, I did the rarely-seen Bucket of Blood Remake for Showtime- it wasn't all that great.  That film did have Will Ferrell in it for no clear reason, so that's a plus.  Granted- there are exceptions like the 1990 Night of the Living Dead Remake.  So what is the story with this film?  It comes to us from FIVE Writers, a good Director (Abel Ferrera) and the Producer of the previous Remake.  My DVD Box proudly-explains that he decided to make a new film now that technology had advanced to show people come out of the Pods.  Yeah, that's the reason to make a new movie.  Clearly the Studio felt the same way, since the film was barely-released (around 100 Theaters) and grossed less than half a million dollars.  Ouch.  That's quite a quick fall from Bad Lieutenant!  The film has a few notable Actors from their time (Meg Tilly), TV Stars of the future (Burn Notice's Gabrielle Anwar) and future Oscar nominees (Forest Whitaker).  Is this Remake as bad as the others?  To find out, read on...

We start off 'strong' with some pretentious narration.  It's not done badly, but it is just so 'ugh- really?!?'

Our heroine- Anwar- is in town since her dad is an EPA Soil Expert checking an Army Base.  She runs across a sassy girl.  Naturally, she's the same 'sassy girl' from Child's Play 2 and Halloween 4/5.  Typecast much?

Hi, Forest Whitaker.  I look forward to your one other scene (and not just because it is awful).

The base's residents start to turn into Pod People.  There are some neat effects- like the mom's body collapsing like a corn husk- and build-up to it- like the kids in School all making the same drawing.

The silly part is that they shoe-horn nudity in with Meg Tilly...who uses her sister for a body double.  Creepy?

The way that the Pods copy your DNA and make the copies is nice and creepy too.  The effects are by no means bad, but the pacing and story just aren't there.  Oh and...

They completely ruined the 'Eerie Yell' of the Pod People.  They just kind of yell at you and start chasing you.

It's not eerie, it's not unsettling and it has no subtlety- it's just kind of loud.

As hope starts to be draining away, we get a ridiculous and over-acted bit from Whitaker.  He makes a rambling plea for individuality while Pod Person played by R. Lee Ermey is stone-faced.  The contrast could work...but it is just so damn hilarious!

Did you win an Oscar?

As I said, the Pod effects are neat.  They aren't nearly enough to make this an actually-good movie though.

 After some real cheats (just not showing people and then them being Pod People), we get our heroes escaping as the Pod People...just kind of let them.

They learn to regret this decision as our heroes just start blowing shit up with a Blackhawk Helicopter.  They...win?  The End.

You really messed this up somehow.  This one is an odd bird, so stay with me.  This film is both boring and way too dramatic with its lack of subtlety.  That make sense.  Basically, the story parts are really dull and the scary parts are done with absolutely no subtlety.  The scream bits are great examples.  The most memorable parts of the 1978 film involved the eerie exclamation of the alien beings.  The screams didn't sound like human noises and those faces are just creepy.  Seriously, watch that bit from the end of the film on YouTube- it is NOT hard to find.  This film does very little different, other than to set it at an Army Base.  See, it's clever since they follow military code and show no emotion.  Yeah, that's all they've got.  There are the makings of a good film here.  Weirdly they didn't find a way to get Kevin McCarthy to make a Cameo in this one.  He found time to be in Matinee, but not in this.  He also managed to appear as black-and-white footage in Looney Tunes: Back in Action to boot!  The film has some things going for it, but not nearly enough.  The sad thing is that it drags down both Larry Cohen AND Stuart Gordon involved with it...

Next up, a film I'm reviewing for a person from work (who will remain nameless).  Will this now-debunked bit of history make for a delicious film?  Stay tuned...

Rare Flix: H.G. Wells' The Food of the Gods

I hope you don't like rats.  Today's film has somewhat of a dubious reputation among those who have seen it.  For those of you who don't know, I'll take you on a short trip down memory lane.  Bert I. Gordon (his initials being BIG- ha ha) got famous in the '50s for movies about giant monsters smashing around.  He got in good after the U.S. release of Godzilla, carving himself a niche.  As his career wound down in the '70s, he tried some new things- some better than ever.  For this film, he tried something controversial- killing and hurting animals.  This film features scenes of rats being shot with pellet/paint guns and nearly/definitely being drowned.  Yeah, that happens.  If you take the 'No Animals were harmed in the Production of this Film' for granted, check this movie out.  As a bonus, the film stars Marjoe Gortner and features some slightly-silly optical effects.  To see which insects are transparent, read on...

The first sign of a dubious script- this credit.

The movie's plot involves a bunch of people being killed in the woods by giant creatures.  First up, semi-transparent mosquitoes.  They apparently ate the titular food...since the lady doesn't bother to close her windows when you have a batch of 'make animals giant food' in your house.

Marjoe loses a friend to the creatures and decides to come back.

By the way, is he a pro-football player or a College one?  He was 32 when the film was made, but they never elaborate on it.  What's up, movie?

All of this comes from a mysterious fount of liquid.  Might want to put a cage around this thing- I'm just saying.

No, they never explain why this exists.  Thanks for asking.

I believe that Cecil B. DeMille said once 'You haven't made a film until you've shot a few rats with pellet guns.'  I might be paraphrasing.

Look at this shot and then watch a film like Avatar.  Technology sure has grown a lot, hasn't it?

The rats surround the house and there appears to be no hope.  Nice matching of those two visuals- it's like Sin City for a second.

Marjoe manages to blow up a dam and take out most of the rats with water.  Try to ignore the rats that are 'swimming upside down (completely still),' won't you?

In the Epilogue, the titular food has gone down river, got drank by cows (who apparently don't grow) and ends up in milk.  Where will this lead?

Oh right- a crappy sequel that doesn't really relate to this film in any way.  The End.

I'm sorry, countless rats.  If you can get past the animal abuse, this is an interesting movie.  It makes some odd choices in the story department, right or wrong.  Our heroes aren't trapped on the island from the get-go.  Rather, they leave it and decide to come back to find out what happened.  That's interesting, even if it is a bit silly IMHO.  The problem here is that it's hard to get past all of the animal abuse.  They're shooting rats in the face and back with pellet guns.  They may or may not be shocking rates.  They are most assuredly drowning rats, unless they're known for laying upside down in water and not moving!  You can make an 'Animal Killing Free' version of Cannibal Holocaust, since the death is random and unnecessary.  Here, you would be cutting most of the action.  The bottom line: this movie is a bizarre, B-Movie trip.  If you can ignore the abuse of plague rats (I kid, I kid), you'll enjoy it more than this guy.

Next up, the first of five remaining films from the Midnight Horror Collection, Volume 2.  It's like a good movie...but not.  Stay tuned...

'80s Trash: The Unseen

Does Barbara Bach make anything better?  After watching Jaguar Lives, The Big Alligator River & The Black Belly of the Tarantula, I can say this: usually.  Even so, her starring role in this 1980 horror film does not make the film good.  Don't get me wrong- the movie has promise.  It has decent characters, pretty good production values and a great set-up for the events.  Where the movie falters is when it explains the reasons for these events and you feel really insulted.  The movie is actually quite good in the build-up too, which is a shame.  It many ways, it is like The Last Broadcast, which just screws everything up with its stupid, final reveal.  This film, however, does this about thirty minutes before the finale, making it all the worse in many ways.  The pacing is also very curious, as you will soon find out.  The real shame is that this movie has a decent directorial name behind it: Danny Steinmann, the man behind Savage Streets and Friday the 13th, Part 5.  Not the best resume, but he did what he could.  Anyhow, this is...

The film begins in a city and cuts to a man working out.  His lady (Bach) gets upset at him for no clear reason and leaves.  Hey guys, want to explain that?  Okay, just get back to me in like 45 minutes.  Anyhow, our heroine is going over with two other women to film a German festival in a small town in California.  Unfortunately, their reservations were lost and they have no place to go- damn you, Priceline!  Negotiate your way...to Hell!  After stopping at numerous places, they stumble across an empty hotel...only to find out that it is really a museum.   Swing and a miss, ladies!  The man agrees, however, to call around for places for them to say.  One awkward jump cut later, he says that they are all booked, save for one place outside of town.  Guess who owns that place, people.  They don't hang around the place too long and instead opt to go film the festival.  Meanwhile, a mysterious something wanders around under the floorboards.  Oh and the guy from earlier shows up.  Maybe you could finally explain all of this now...

As it turns out, the man used to be a pro football player, but hurt his leg- hence the scar we saw earlier.  Bach is upset with him because all he wants to do is get back into the sport.  Wow, that was...anti-climactic.  Fortunately, they spice this up by having one of the women attacked by a mysterious...something.  It chokes her in pretty quick succession and drags the body through a grate.  After all of her talk, Bach's character instantly forgives the man for his actions and they go to dinner.  While all of this happens, her other companion is killed by a hand through a grate.  Hey guys, you know what pacing is?  We learn that the man who owns the place and his older wife about hiding the bodies and keeping the secret.  What secret, you ask?  Just wait.  A bit later, the Bach's character gets to the place and is confused about the absence of her friends.  It is covered by the man with the crap explanation of them 'going out for a while.'  He lures her down to the basement to help him with an errand, but actually locks her down there with the killer.  Are you ready for the big reveal?  Okay then.

That's right- it's "Sloth" from The Goonies.  UPDATE: The man that Co-Wrote the Film did actually make the Sloth make-up later, so...yeah, nailed it.  All of that was building up to this, huh?  On top of that, the movie just sort of drags at this point, where it should get- you know- interesting.  The 'child' is that of the older couple, who are actually brother and sister.  This does explain the five minute scene where the man has an audio flashback to a confrontation with his father and kills him.  Incidentally, an audio flashback- how lazy are you guys?!?  The killer just sort of wanders around, looks at her and touches her.  What happened to the sudden, dramatic killer from the rest of the movie?  Did you just replace him with a giant version of Trigg?  Hey, I want to cash in while the controversy is still ripe.  So yeah, the killer mutant guy turns on his dad, gets stabbed and lays there, while the father chases our constantly-wet and crying heroine.  Her attempt at hiding in the chicken coop does not work, but her boyfriend is there to save the day.  Oops, he just blew his knee out while running two feet.  Great- you failed to save the girl and you can't walk...dumb-ass.  After all of this build-up, the wife just shoots the man and the movie ends.

Wow, what a waste of potential here.  I mean, this could have been a lot of things.  They could have a demon dog, a minotaur or even those dumb-ass monsters from Alone in the Dark.  Instead, we get giant, inbred man who does not kill our heroine, although he does pointlessly-kill her friends.  Did they just offend him or something?  Even the dad seems confused by this turn of events, yelling at the kid to kill her.  To make matters worse, there is not the obvious pay-off.  The dad kills the big doofus off and still finds time to beat up his wife and terrorize Bach.  Aside from the abuse, what does the wife have has a reason for vengeance.  Clearly, she had no problem with the incest, since she was still with the guy.  Hell, she served as a maid for him, showing loyalty to him in spite of everything.  She just up and kills him when he lays out his own son.  In summary, the kid killing people = alright.  The dad killing the kid = worthy of death.  Whatever, movie.  Come back when you get something better.

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Next up, a killer cop series comes to end in a bloody, burning fashion.  If you want to talk about not ruining an ending, check out this insanity.  Stay tuned...

70s Trash: The Manitou

William Girdler was a curious guy. He only made a hand-full of movies in his career before tragically dying while out getting aerial shots in a helicopter. As such, he only has a small resume of bad films to his credit, including Grizzly and Day of the Animals. The only real notable thing about them is that he cast Christopher George in a rip-off role of Sheriff Brody from Jaws in the first film...and did it again with Day. However, his last film is a real curiosity of storytelling and logic. On top of that, it does not star Christopher George, so it has one thing going for it at least. Instead, it stars Tony Curtis, the man that dared to replace Walter Mattheau in The Bad News Bears Go To Japan. Rather than lingering on that cinematic abortion, let's focus on the movie at hand. It is...

The Manitou

Our story begins with a woman going to the hospital with a mysterious ailment. It is diagnosed as a tumor, but has some curious aspects to it. For one thing, it is growing on the back of her neck at a quick rate. Secondly, it has a completely different shape and texture than any other tumor. Finally, it has a heart beat! This pushes her to go get it removed, but that presents some problems. While she is under an anesthetic, a mysterious force takes over the laser machine- really- that they were going to use to cut out the thing. Here's a thought guys- use your damn hands! A little freaked out, our heroine contacts her ex-husband (Curtis) who is a psychic that dresses like a Chinese man as part of his routine. Great Moments in Race Relations, anyone? Anyhow, he contacts her and she explains the situation...as well as anyone can. He takes her to see a doctor who specializes in tumors, but he cannot help. Desperate, Mr. Curtis goes to an old friend who can help, played by Burgess Meredith with a Colonel Sanders beard. He tells them all about old Indian lore involving witch doctors reincarnating themselves in other people's bodies. Of course, why didn't I think of that?!?

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Curtis goes out into the middle of nowhere to see an Indian who can help. Our hero is still not convinced, but does what he can to help his ex-wife. I'd be curious to see if Alec Baldwin would do that! The Indian man is not 100% on board with the idea, since it would endanger his life for someone he does not know. Curtis gives him a version of the whole 'do no harm' thing and he eventually decides to go help. By the way, the 'Indian' is played by Michael Ansara, a character actor who is actually Lebanese! Our heroine is back in the hospital now because the tumor has grown quite large. He shows up to help, but appears to be too late. The ancient wizard has been reborn...as a midget. Wait, what?!? I don't get the logic here at all, but okay. He takes over the hospital floor using his magical power to summon coconut scrapings...I mean, snow and causing electrical objects. As we learned from Supergirl, ancient magic always works on modern devices! The battle is tense and dramatic. Oh wait, it is actually just a midget chanting in another language and the 'Indian' banging a drum while chanting. Oh my God, it's a chant off! But wait, it gets better.

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All of the chanting is for naught and the evil Shaman seems to have the upper hand. In a fun effects shot, he freezes a nurse, only for Curtis to bump into her and make her shatter. In a bit of extreme movie logic, they decide to use the power of modern electricity to counteract the Shaman's powers. They step out into infinity and do battle! Despite having a human being pop out of her back, our heroine suddenly comes back to life and attacks the villain with the power of the building. Words cannot describe what the hell is supposed to happen here, so I will rely on this clip from www.badmovies.org instead. Go ahead, try to make sense of it. The villain is defeated and the day is saved. That is, providing you were not that nurse. She's still dead. The End.

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As far as final films go, you could do worse. I'm looking at you, Orson Welles and Jim Varney! That said, this movie is a weird mix of the mundane and the absurd. It is a bit slow getting anywhere good, but overdoes it in the ending parts. I can appreciate you using digital effects and the flashy stuff, but it has to make some sense! 'Sense' is not something that you get a lot of here though. Why did the evil Shaman choose her? I don't know. Why did Curtis need to be a fake psychic? I don't know. Why the hell did Burgess Meredith have that goatee? I don't know. These kinds of movies usually have giant plot holes or logic gaps, but this one is still a doozy. In spite of that, it has a certain appeal to it. I mean, it has a midget Shaman reborn out of a woman's back. How often do you see that formula?!?

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Up next, I tackle the first in my series of lesser Ed Wood films. There is no Plan 9 here- just the weird stuff that people try to forget. Stay tuned...