Holiday Cuts: Friday the 13th, Part 7- The New Blood

Let's continue on the backwards journey through this Series.  Why do I cover some Series Films out of Order?  Dunno- I just do.  I mostly do what ones seem to be the most interesting and start there.  I happened to find Jason X to be interesting (but not good), so I did that first.  After that, I just worked backwards. So, in summary, I'm weird and do weird things.  So what does Part 7 bring us?  In this one, Zombie Jason (as he was after Part 6) is stuck at the bottom of his famous Lake.  Thanks to a young lady with telekinetic powers, he is loose again to kill more people.  I'm sure you're asking- how did he survive under the water for so long?  He must have been bored, right?  I kid, I kid.  He was probably texting with that chick from The Ring the whole time.  No, the real odd thing here is our Carrie knock-off of a Final Girl.  When did they get mutant powers in this universe?  Well, in the previous Film (Part 6), Jason came back to life when lightning struck a metal pole stabbed into his body...so I question nothing.  He also came back from being burned to death via acid in Part 8, only to need magic to come back from being blown up in the same Film (Part 9), so...logic is nowhere.  This is all before he ends up in Space too.  Is this one less goofy and higher quality than the latter Sequels?  Not likely, but let's see for ourselves...

This is Jason Voorhees.  He has been killing lots of young people who like to have sex for about five Films now.

This is Carrie...I mean, Not Carrie.  She has developed strong telekinetic powers since her youth.

Her powers are barely-controllable and triggered by emotions.

Do you want to see these two face off right away?  Do you want to see something fresh?  Well...

You have to wait!!!

Instead, you get about an hour straight of Jason killing people, usually in groups of two.  Nobody ever screams for help either.

So, after six Film, sit back and enjoy these people: white folks in peril- now with a black couple!

Finally you get to see the pair face off properly about an hour in, once the 'Mooks' are all gone.

To the Film's credit, they hired a Make-Up/FX guy to Direct- John Carl Buechler- and Jason's make-up is appropriately-freaky.  He is a Zombie/Ghoul that has been living underwater for a year.

Not Carrie uses his powers in alot of neat ways- even if they are silly- and ultimately gets Jason back under the water...where he'll just walk out next year to go to Manhattan.  The End.

Honestly, it is not that great.  Mind you, it does depend what criteria you judge it by.  If you just want to see Jason Voorhees kill a ton of people for no good reason, this is a 5-Star Film.  That is pretty much the crux of this Film.  If you want to see a Film with good make-up and gore effects- as limited as they are at times-, this is a 3 or 4-Star Film.  If you want to see a good Story that is paced well and delivers in a timely fashion, it is more a 2-Star Film.  I may have exaggerated a bit earlier, but the point of it is true: the Film is mostly just Jason killing people until the Climax.  I won't lie and say that I was expecting something much different, but I was hoping for it.  The Film doesn't aim to be all that great, which is disappointing.  After 6 Films, maybe it was time to do something really interesting.  That idea pretty much begins and ends with 'Let's put Carrie in this.'  To be fair, I actually liked Not Carrie here, as she represents one of the few Final Girls to really stand an equal chance in a fight with a Horror Heavy.  Speaking of unique things, I have to discuss Jason's most improbable kill: the Lake Scene.  He kills the guy on the shore while the woman- who's naked- and vanishes.  Less than a minute later, he pops out of the water next to her!  You want to explain his quiet, high-speed run, dive into the water without dispersing the water and quiet wading up next to her?  No.  Of course you don't.  Ultimately, this is a two-note movie and only one of them is unique.  You know what to do with this one, Jason...

Next up, I celebrate Valentine's Day with an Art Film.  See- I don't make Bob watch *all* of them here.  Stay tuned...

Rare Flix: Ghoulies III- Ghoulies Go To College

I'm like the Indiana Jones of bullshit films!  Today's film is Ghoulies III, a film I was almost sure that I'd never get to see.  I know- big loss, right?  I just had to complete the series though- dammit!  I'd gotten to the point where I asked Maynard where to find it online.  As it turns out, all of the Versions he could find were Dubbed in German.  Yes, it was proving to be impossible to find a John Carl Buechler film in English!  While seeking different crap at a MovieStop (aren't I always?), I found the creatively-titled Horror Collection 8-Pack.  It has some good stuff- Waxwork-, some bad stuff- 976 Evil II-, some amusing stuff- Class of 1999 and Chopping Mall- and some rare stuff- Slaughter High and a mystery film.  It also has some film called The Unholy that I have never heard of in my life.  Keep an eye out for that, unless it's just boring.  It's a non-Asylum film with Ben Cross, so it may turn out well.  What didn't turn out well is Ghoulies III.  Granted- I had low hopes for it.  That said, it's stupid as all get up and doesn't even begin to set up the fourth film.  I kind of assumed that this film would set them up being turned into midgets in masks.  Alas, it does not, proving that Jim Wynorski was just being a cheap, lazy Director.  Big shock.  This film is basically what would happen if you threw the Ghoulies into Animal House, only you excised all of the interesting characters and replaced them with 'That Guy Who Was In Caddyshack, But Nobody Remembers His Name...So We Call Him That Guy Who Was in Caddyshack.'  Seriously, do you know his name?  No cheating!  So yeah, this is going to be dumb.  To see if you should try as hard as I did to find this film, read on...

The Ghoulies spend nearly 20 minutes of the film trying to get released.  Apparently it's a joke that they keep getting stuck in the magical toilet that they came from.

Seriously, it's the THIRD film, so you can skip on the build-up.

At the College, it is Prank Week.  Why they don't just get rid of the Students that do this on a yearly basis is anyone's guess. Oh and that's Kane Hodder.  Weird.

The late Kevin McCarthy plays Dean Vernon...I mean, a different guy who's a Teacher (that's different) who is annoyed at the pranks.  Since he's the best part of this movie, he naturally plays second fiddle to just about every character.  Sigh.

He gets a hold of the magic comic book that controls the Ghoulies, which gives the film a loose pretense to have him show up every four to five scenes.

The narrative is split between our dull as dishwater hero and the Ghoulies.  They're pretty much just cheaper hand puppets than in Ghoulies II, but not as cheap as in Ghoulies.  Yea?

Stupid comedy ahoy.  That makes up most of the film, really.

Well that and scenes involving our hero fighting with our heroine, the pair hooking back up and then arguing for no good reason.  It's lazy and repetitive.  It's also lazy and repetitive.

Oh and the Ghoulies are perverts.  On the plus side, they don't imply that they have sex with a lady like they would do in Ghoulies IV.

Seriously, that happens.  Ew.

Rather than waste any time on the plot, here's a look at some of the odd, incidental casting here.  In the green hat, you have Jason Scott Lee and that guy with the bowl cut is Shaggy aka Matthew Lillard.

That's weird, right?  'Bruce Lee' and 'Shaggy' as College Nerds.

With less than 20 minutes remaining, our heroes are finally aware of the Ghoulies existing.  No, really.

It all boils down to McCarthy doing some weird ritual to get magic powers or something.  We already had a lady get wrapped up in her own tongue and die, so I don't question anything at this point.

In the film's only neat moment, McCarthy becomes...this thing.  I'm not sure how or why, but good.

Naturally, this all just ends in an anti-climax.  How this sets up Ghoulies IV is still beyond me.  The End.

Laugh, damn you, laugh!  This film really succeeds or fails based on whether you find it funny.  I know that's kind of an obvious statement, but it bears mentioning.  Other than some tits and some decent puppeteering moments, that's all it has going for it.  It didn't exactly make me laugh all that much.  The film is just so uninspired and...I'm not surprised.  The Ghoulies series has never done much but be a Gremlins rip-off.  It's not the worst series to do this, but it is a lot more prolific.  Did this really need four films?  No, no we didn't.  The film has some decent moments, but is mostly just crap.  It also commits the cardinal sin of reminding you of films that you could be watching instead...

Next up, another Anthony Hickox film.  It's got Vampires, little kids and shoot-outs...apparently.  Stay tuned...

Bark at the Moon: Dark Wolf

Life is just full of coincidences.  Today's film is Dark Wolf, a Horror film that I tracked down after seeing a sample of their crappy CG effects.  The last film I did that for- The Eden Formula.  As it turns out, the film have a link: John Carl Buechler.  For the record, J.C.B. does some good make-up work- he just seems to fail at everything else.  In this film, he only does the make-up work, so he doesn't get much blame here.  Even so, the coincidence is interesting.  So what is Dark Wolf about?  If you really have to guess, then I feel sorry.  It's a Werewolf film, duh!  It's full of weird plot points, silly CG and one of the least competent heroes ever.  To find out more about this cult film, read on...

A Biker (Kane Hodder) is on the run from the Police and flees into a Strip Club.  Pointless Nudity less than 20 seconds into a film- bonus!

As it turns out, he's a super-Werewolf called a Dark Wolf.  He kills the partner- character actor Steven Williams- and runs off into the night.  This leads to the arrival of Exposition Character in the form of...

Tippi Hedren?  Seriously- I didn't plan this!  Stop showing up in these movies, please!

As it turns out, she's an ancient Werewolf- of course- who is guarding our heroine, the lady/wolf destined to possibly mate with the Dark Wolf (who's a Hybrid Prince) and doom humanity.  Sex kills, kids!

She begins to figure out that's something weird.  Either she's got a serious hangover or she's a Werewolf.

Oh and these Werewolves can change at will during the Full Moon and change back.  So much for strobe lights or holding the neck skin of a killer!

The Werewolf goes on a killing spree, which gives us brief moments to see J.C.B.'s neat suit/make-up work.

My favorite: him killing the new partner in her Hospital Room while simply hiding in the corner.  Werewolf Kane Hodder is undetectable from two feet away in slight darkness?  Bull and shit, movie.

In a weird plot point, Hedren's Deus Ex Machina Book of Werewolf Secrets ends up in the hands of the heroine's best friend/model.  Her boyfriend sees it and is inspired to...make a Werewolf fashion shoot on his roof.  I shit you not!!!

So why is Dark Wolf infamous?  Well, late in the movie, they start doing on-screen transformations.  It leads to crap like this...

...and this.  I love how they write around their lead not being wiling to do nudity by just making her naked as a CG model.

Sparing you a lot of talking and cop deaths, they finally shoot the creature in the eye, since that's all that will kill it.  It dies, boyfriend makes a bad joke and everyone leaves.  Oh and sequel-bait.  The End.

It's bad enough to make you howl!  In all honesty, Dark Wolf is a fun, but confusing movie.  The lore is strange and ridiculous.  There are Werewolves and there are Hybrid Werewolves- the children of men and Werewolves.  That sounds painful and gross.  They explain this to the new Partner, who is literally wounded to near-death not two scenes later.  She's not dead, however, as they have to kill her somewhere else in a later scene.  What was the point of that?  Was it to not upstage Tippi's scene or to set up some silly Plot Point involving the Dark Wolf tracking those who smell like the lady?  Either way, it feels really, really silly.  Speaking of silly, those CG effects are embarrassing by Asylum standards.  They look like the ones you'd see in the late '90s when Studios realized that they could do on-camera effects via CG.  This film came out in 2003.  It's not like big-budget films around this time didn't use bad CG too- e.c. Van Helsing- but this is still worse.  If this film were more focused and didn't get distracted by sub-plots involving *sigh* Werewolf-themed photo shoots, it would be easier to recommend as a 'so bad it's good movie.'  As it is, you have to be a bit more patient, but I think it's worth it for the silly CG action and plot.

Up next, an obscure slasher film with a polished-up release on DVD.  Will the star of Mutant be a better Sheriff here?

Strange Killers : Hyenas

Is this what we've come to?  

Are there really so many horror films made each year that we have to resort to were-hyenas?  

As a bonus, B-Movie Director/Special Effects guru John Carl Buechler is on hand here too, although as the latter and not the former.  Darn- I was really hoping for another Eden Formula!  

Well, let's see if this film can be salvaged with some star power.  Who's on tap?  

Costas Mandylor and Meschach Taylor.  

Yeah, this movie is doomed.  

All kidding aside, let me give you the basic run-down.  There are Were-hyenas and one guy is trying to kill them.  I guess I should go into more depth than that, huh?  

That's what the rest of this review is for.  Try not to laugh as you watch...

A woman is attacked on a country road by some rednecks with glowing eyes.  

Hillbilly Terminators or something slightly-less silly?

The grieving husband is left to make sense of what happens.  

Thankfully, a cast member from Designing Women is here to explain that it was the work of Were-hyenas.  

By the way, Meschach also begins the film by talking to the audience...or not.  You'll see.

I know that you're dying to see what these things look like, so let me appease you right now.  

Enjoy...

In the least built-up surprise of all-time, the woman that our heroes save from an attack is covered in scratches.  

She's clearly not hiding anything...

Speaking of nudity, the leader of the Were-hyena pack flashes her boobs and dances around during one kill.  

That's...unnecessary...but thank you, I guess.

Do I need a caption for this one?  

Nah- I didn't think so.

For the climax, a bunch of people all go in a cave.  

I'm trying to spare you most of the SPOILERS here, so that's all you get.  Plus, the real reason is just about as silly.

It all comes down to a battle between two female Were-hyenas for the control of the pack.  

Note how one of them didn't sign that waiver to appear naked, so she's only topless when covered in full-body make-up.  

Nice.

The film Ends with more of Meschach talking to us in front of the campfire.  

Of course, he's actually talking to someone else.  So, your Plot Device was not only silly and killed any drama relating to a lead character, but it was also a lie.  

Nice.  

The End.

Ha freaking ha!  The plot of this movie is weird, oddly put together and not that good.  

Essentially, we learn that there are packs of Were-hyenas running around the World that kill people, yet nobody knows about them.  

I'm sorry, but could you maybe scale that idea back a bit.  

If you tried to say that there was some sort of scientific anomaly that caused this or work in some sort of magical curse, I'd buy that.  

However, we are expected to believe that not only do these things exist, but nobody knows about them and only one guy seems to be going after them.  

Now if this is all leading up to the Were-hyenas battling the Were-supials from Howling III, I'll gladly rescind my complaint!  

Overall, the acting is not that good, the Special Effects (mostly the CGI) are cheap, and the pacing is kind of random.  There are some good make-up effects on display here, but those make for good pictures on the DVD box...as opposed to a good movie.  

Good luck with that sequel you clearly want to make (UPDATE- it is 2023 and no Sequel yet!) when your movie has images like this in it...

Next up, a film with a villain with a confusing back-story.  The name is also a pun, so this should be fantastic!  Stay tuned...

Project Terrible: Blood Surf

What doesn't eat you alive, doesn't kill you.  Today's film is certainly not good.  However, it is one that I saw part of before on the Sci-Fi Channel (pre-name change).  Thankfully, that desensitized me to a lot of the movie.  Here's what you need to know: killer crocodile, surfers, model and Quint rip-off.  Yes, despite the title being a reference to something done to attract sharks, this movie is actually about a killer crocodile.  Sure, why not?!?  The movie combines many of the cliche characters that we have come to expect in a film like this too.  We have 'love-struck model,' 'dumb surfer,' 'oddly deep surfer,' 'money-grubbing boyfriend,' 'powerless authority figure,' 'horny native,' 'grizzled captain' and 'slut girlfriend.'  This movie is just so daring as it 'surfs' into 'uncharted waters,' huh?  Wear your useless, chainmail suit as we enter the...

Our heroes go to East Asia to film a documentary on a sport called 'Blood Surfing,' in which you throw blood in the water and surf near the sharks that are drawn in.  The effects for this are, well, pretty lame.  Isn't that right, shark from Jaws 3-D?

One of the surfers manages to hook up with the hot daughter of the guy taking them out to the island.  Better have fun, because her and her parents are abruptly killed in the next scene.  No deaths for thirty minutes and then three in about the next five?  Weird pacing!

Our heroes run afoul of some pirates, who try to kidnap them and rape the model.  Fortunately or unfortunately, the crocodile shows up, defies the laws of Physics and kills some of them.  Why would you lean towards the flying crocodile exactly?

The Quint character finally returns and explains that he wants to kill the crocodile because it killed his passengers years ago on a boat trip.  In a weird flip, the guy's girlfriend bitches at the producer boyfriend for trying to make a story out of it...and then asks him to convince the boyfriend to let them catch it on film.  This leads to some more Jaws rip-off scenes and some dubious bit of model work (circa John Carl Beuchler).

In an odd scene, the producer boyfriend tries to get away more quickly and runs right into the crocodile's mouth (a la Shark Attack 3, which would come two years later).  The girlfriend makes a snappy retort about his death, which is extremely harsh.  Was a he a jerk?  Yes.  Were you a couple 4 hours ago?  Yes.  You're cold, bitch!

For the finale, the remaining heroes run from the creature and manage to hide for a bit.  They nearly kill it with some rocks, but it won't stay dead.  In the End, the remaining pair 'Tarzan swing' across a chasm, causing a tiny model of the crocodile...I mean, the giant beast to get impaled and die.  The End.

What a croc of shit!  The plot of this movie is a bit stupid and lazy.  The pacing is all over the place as well, building up for over thirty minutes before any real action.  The characters are cliche (see the intro paragraph) and you don't feel for them.  Throw in the harsh character turn for the lead actress in the End and you've got characters who you don't care about.  The 'tragic' deaths include the dumb surfer who tries to stab a forty-foot crocodile with a knife, the girlfriend kicking the crocodile's corpse and 'Quint' getting eaten while trying to blow up the boat.  The film mixes in humor at really weird times as well, like showing 'Quint' hanging with his lower torso missing and the girlfriend's 'retort' after her boyfriend's death.  The fact is this: the movie takes place over three days.  Our heroine flies to the island with her producer boyfriend, but dumps him on Day 2 and is hooking up with the oddly-smart surfer by the End.  That's quite the bereavement period, bitch!  The effects here are pretty piss-poor, alternating between lame CG models, super-tight close-ups of animatronic heads and very-obvious model shots.  If you like dumb, monster movies, you can have some fun here.  It's not truly Terrible, but it's not good either.  Take us away, misguided close-up shot...

Next up, a stodgy, 'haunted house' film mixed with the 'marooned on an island' film.  The real dilemma- figuring out what is going on!  Stay tuned...