Rare Flix: Ghoulies III- Ghoulies Go To College

I'm like the Indiana Jones of bullshit films!  Today's film is Ghoulies III, a film I was almost sure that I'd never get to see.  I know- big loss, right?  I just had to complete the series though- dammit!  I'd gotten to the point where I asked Maynard where to find it online.  As it turns out, all of the Versions he could find were Dubbed in German.  Yes, it was proving to be impossible to find a John Carl Buechler film in English!  While seeking different crap at a MovieStop (aren't I always?), I found the creatively-titled Horror Collection 8-Pack.  It has some good stuff- Waxwork-, some bad stuff- 976 Evil II-, some amusing stuff- Class of 1999 and Chopping Mall- and some rare stuff- Slaughter High and a mystery film.  It also has some film called The Unholy that I have never heard of in my life.  Keep an eye out for that, unless it's just boring.  It's a non-Asylum film with Ben Cross, so it may turn out well.  What didn't turn out well is Ghoulies III.  Granted- I had low hopes for it.  That said, it's stupid as all get up and doesn't even begin to set up the fourth film.  I kind of assumed that this film would set them up being turned into midgets in masks.  Alas, it does not, proving that Jim Wynorski was just being a cheap, lazy Director.  Big shock.  This film is basically what would happen if you threw the Ghoulies into Animal House, only you excised all of the interesting characters and replaced them with 'That Guy Who Was In Caddyshack, But Nobody Remembers His Name...So We Call Him That Guy Who Was in Caddyshack.'  Seriously, do you know his name?  No cheating!  So yeah, this is going to be dumb.  To see if you should try as hard as I did to find this film, read on...

The Ghoulies spend nearly 20 minutes of the film trying to get released.  Apparently it's a joke that they keep getting stuck in the magical toilet that they came from.

Seriously, it's the THIRD film, so you can skip on the build-up.

At the College, it is Prank Week.  Why they don't just get rid of the Students that do this on a yearly basis is anyone's guess. Oh and that's Kane Hodder.  Weird.

The late Kevin McCarthy plays Dean Vernon...I mean, a different guy who's a Teacher (that's different) who is annoyed at the pranks.  Since he's the best part of this movie, he naturally plays second fiddle to just about every character.  Sigh.

He gets a hold of the magic comic book that controls the Ghoulies, which gives the film a loose pretense to have him show up every four to five scenes.

The narrative is split between our dull as dishwater hero and the Ghoulies.  They're pretty much just cheaper hand puppets than in Ghoulies II, but not as cheap as in Ghoulies.  Yea?

Stupid comedy ahoy.  That makes up most of the film, really.

Well that and scenes involving our hero fighting with our heroine, the pair hooking back up and then arguing for no good reason.  It's lazy and repetitive.  It's also lazy and repetitive.

Oh and the Ghoulies are perverts.  On the plus side, they don't imply that they have sex with a lady like they would do in Ghoulies IV.

Seriously, that happens.  Ew.

Rather than waste any time on the plot, here's a look at some of the odd, incidental casting here.  In the green hat, you have Jason Scott Lee and that guy with the bowl cut is Shaggy aka Matthew Lillard.

That's weird, right?  'Bruce Lee' and 'Shaggy' as College Nerds.

With less than 20 minutes remaining, our heroes are finally aware of the Ghoulies existing.  No, really.

It all boils down to McCarthy doing some weird ritual to get magic powers or something.  We already had a lady get wrapped up in her own tongue and die, so I don't question anything at this point.

In the film's only neat moment, McCarthy becomes...this thing.  I'm not sure how or why, but good.

Naturally, this all just ends in an anti-climax.  How this sets up Ghoulies IV is still beyond me.  The End.

Laugh, damn you, laugh!  This film really succeeds or fails based on whether you find it funny.  I know that's kind of an obvious statement, but it bears mentioning.  Other than some tits and some decent puppeteering moments, that's all it has going for it.  It didn't exactly make me laugh all that much.  The film is just so uninspired and...I'm not surprised.  The Ghoulies series has never done much but be a Gremlins rip-off.  It's not the worst series to do this, but it is a lot more prolific.  Did this really need four films?  No, no we didn't.  The film has some decent moments, but is mostly just crap.  It also commits the cardinal sin of reminding you of films that you could be watching instead...

Next up, another Anthony Hickox film.  It's got Vampires, little kids and shoot-outs...apparently.  Stay tuned...

Moon Over Miami: Ghoulies IV

In case you don't know him, I would like to introduce you to a man named Jim Wynorski. His big claim to fame: directed the sequels to films in which he did not make the original. Mind you, some people do this occasionally, but he did it a lot! This is the man behind Deathstalker II (originally by James Sbardelatti), 976 Evil 2: The Astral Factor (originally by Robert Englund), The Return of Swamp Thing (originally by Wes Craven), Big Bad Mama II (originally by Steve Carver) and Sorority House Massacre II (originally by Carol Frank). There is also today's film, which has been handled by three different men before Jim- Luca Bercovici, Charles Band and John Carl Buechler. I should also note that most of these movies series ended with Jim's films, but take that for what you will. The premise of this movie is that it is going to ignore II and III & make a sequel to the first film. The only problem is that they- once again- made shit up and changed the rules. So this is neither a true sequel nor a continuation of the last two films. Oh joy. Now that you know the story, let's jump right into...

Our story begins with a woman resembling Catwoman's cousin breaking into a warehouse. She quickly kills one guard with her judo skills and a second with a throwing star to the head. What is this- Revenge of the Ninja? She makes a ritual sacrifice using all of the guards she killed (about four or five) and summons a mysterious man in a cloak who tells her to get a tiny gem. Unfortunately for us, the spell also summons two ghoulies, at least they are supposed to be ghoulies. Rather than being puppets, these guys (only two this time) are midgets in Halloween masks who...talk in New York jive. What the hell happened to this series? We cut to a police detective, who looks like an older, grizzled version of the guy from the first Ghoulies. Actually, it is the same actor reprising his role, although he has gone from an aimless, lay-about wizard to a police detective in about ten years. Thanks, Keiser Career College! Faster than you can ask 'Why would you steal plot points from Trancers III,' a liquor store robbery breaks out & our hero stops it. He gets a talking-to from his police captain, who also happens to be his ex-girlfriend. This movie is going to get catty, isn't it?

As it turns out, the ghoulies in this film don't really do much. They hide out in the warehouse (by putting frames around their faces, no less) as the police investigate. The creatures recognize our hero, which is funny because nobody has ever seen you the hell before! I'm sorry, but I had to get that out of my system. In a complete non sequitur, a pair of plumbers that look like the characters from The Honeymooners show up, only to get killed by the evil woman. Thanks for that, movie. Dominatrix Barbie continues to look for the gem when she finds out about our hero being on the case. She figures that he could help her out. Mind you, her idea of getting him to her side is beating up his partner, possessing him and sending him to another dimension. No, this time it is not a euphemism for death. Surprisingly, he rejects her, but he does have the time for a prostitute girlfriend. Somewhere during all of this, the ghoulies save a girl from a mugger, steal some food and read porn. Hurray?

The movie finally gets around to explaining the reason for all of this. Basically, the crazy lady is an ex-girlfriend (another one?!?) of his who liked him in his wild, magical days & wants them back. Wait- is she supposed to be the girlfriend from Ghoulies? If so, she's, well, not. Anyhow, she is resurrected his dark side via magic- which is supposed to explain a plot point about him being tired all the time- and wants that version of him to be the real one. As such, she kidnaps our hero's current girlfriend, pressing the man and his EX-girlfriend to have to save the day. I know you're wondering about this, so I'll tell you that the ghoulies do about jack shit here. The man dumps her on the side of the road, however, and goes off alone...which leads her to follow him mere seconds later. Wow, that went nowhere. The detective manages to fight off a giant Asian man (not Bolo Yeung), but is sent to the other dimension. Thankfully, his lady shows up and instantly figures out how to use the magical gem to save the day. Score one point for you, convenient screen-writing. The day is saved, the real couple gets back together and even the nerdy partner gets hit on by a second-hand floozy. The ghoulies show up again and tell us to look for their tale in Ghoulies IV: Part 2. No thanks. The End.

This movie is not god, but it is also not the worst movie out there. No matter how bad his movies are, Jim Wynorski manages to make them bearable through sheer force of will. If you can resist his charms, however, you can see a film that pretends to be a part of the series when it really has jack-shit to do with it. It has the guy from Ghoulies and references it (even using stock footage), but just does not fit. The whole thing is built around referencing numerous events that apparently happened to our hero between the two movies. If you are so in love with them, why not set this movie DURING those events. It just feels like they were trying to get around introducing a brand new story in the FOURTH film by constantly referencing the past. It does not work, by the way. I honestly did not hate the ghoulies in this movie- I just don't think that they are ghoulies. I think they just wanted to make another Munchies films (why would you?) and just thought that this would sell better. Then again, the ghoulies were mostly just mute puppets, so why should I care? It's not a terrible movie. It's also not a Ghoulies movie.

Next on the agenda, my review for the Final Girl Film Club. Did they just get me to watch a good horror movie? Stay tuned...

Moon Over Miami: Ghoulies II

We're back again with another film about killer puppets. Mind you, I don't mean that literally, since Full Moon has done at least 8 films about that! This is the second film in the Ghoulies quadrilogy, a pair of words that sounds really strange together! After the creative misfire that lead to the original film being retitled and shot by different people, the Bands got their shit together and made this movie in 1987. So, how did they up the ante? For starters, we got more ghoulies and the effects work is better...which means that it is merely sub-par. The story goes off in a new direction, although there are definitely some issues. In spite of that, I can say that this is directed by Charles Band himself, which is a big deal...if he did not direct 80% of the Full Moon catalog. They got a couple of new stars involved this time, however, so there is hope. Let's find out just how much of it there is in...

Ghoulies II

The film begins with a truck making a stop at a gas station in the middle of the night. Unfortunately, they are not alone there. You see, someone has trapped the ghoulies in some cans and plans to kill them. Unfortunately, he gets distracted by the arrival and the things escape. They dump his body in the container full of acid that he planned to dump them in! By the way, where did he get that from? Is he best friends with a Bond villain or something? Anyhow, the arrivals fail to notice the monsters or the smell of melted flesh made some five minutes earlier. The monsters get on board the back of their truck and head to their new home- a circus sideshow. As it turns out, this portion of the show is not doing well, as people are neither scared nor entertained. This really puts off their head midget (Phil Fondacaro from Troll and The Creeps), especially considering that the guy who is threatening to close them down in the old boss' son. Don't you just love that cliche? You would think that a guy who ran a circus for his whole life would have a kid who felt the same, wouldn't you?

*

As things go on, the ghoulies settle into the Haunted House while the staff figures out what to do. They come up with the idea of updating their House with some real scares to get the kids to come in. Unfortunately, a real scare shows up in the form of the ghoulies, who kill the old, drunken magician. The monsters hide the body, however, a skill that they got...somehow. Maybe there is a Ghoulies 1.5 film that explains stuff like that, how they got captured and where the new ones came from. Oh right, this is Full Moon- they just make shit up like that. Because this movie loves cliches, we also get a blooming romance between our two young leads, but that does not really matter. The only potentially-progressive idea is having Phil be obsessed with literature. Of course, he already did that same roll in Troll a year earlier! The show actually begins to draw people in, although the ghoulies use this as an opportunity to kill more people. Somewhere during all of this, Phil is forced to dress up as a gorilla. Charles Band- progressive filmmaker.

*

Eventually, our hero figures out that something is up and unites the forces of the circus to take them down. If you ever wanted to see a circus strongman battle a flying puppet, this is your movie. The whole thing becomes very chaotic as scared extras flee from the nearly non-existent threats. Only one solution presents itself: summon a giant ghoulie to kill them. Yeah, this logic has worked well with cane toads! Things only get worse, however, as the giant ghoulie turns on them. I think we're going to need a bigger circus! We get a climactic chase involving our young heroine facing her fear of heights to get the magic book they need. They also use Phil as bait, since he is tiny and tastes like chicken...or so I'm told. Ultimately, the day is saved, although one of the ghoulies is left around. He pops out of a toilet as our heroes go on with their lives, finally giving us payoff to both movies' posters. Better late than never, guys! The End.

*

This movie is not bad, but it is not great either. The setting they use is a good one and is certainly better than the giant house from Part 1. The acting is pretty average across the board, although Fondacaro has the same kind of unexplainable presence that he's always had. I seriously don't understand what it is, but he has it. The special effects are better, but still not that great. If you like 80s films with a semi-comic tone, you can certainly do worse. A lot of the times, the balance is extremely out of whack, leading to films that are neither funny or scary. In this film's case, it is a pretty safe film with silly monsters that neither scare nor offend. Like I said, you can do worse. For example, there is always Troll 2!

*

Next up, you're probably expecting me to do Ghoulies III. Sadly, it is out-of-print, so you will just have to make due with Part IV. On the plus side, it is an actual sequel...sort of. Stay tuned...

Moon Over Miami: Ghoulies

After watching so many silly or bad films from this company, it is truly amazing that I keep coming back, isn't it? Sure, the word you were thinking of was 'sad,' but I like mine better. Anyhow, this is actually a four part horror series whose tone is not exactly set. Some of the films try to be pure horror, while other films walk the vague line of being comedy-horror. Ah, comedy-horror...you'll get your turn to be mocked soon enough. The first film was actually intended to be made personally by Charles Band back in 1983 under the title of Beasties. See- Ghoulies was a step up! The movie was also going to feature model work by the late Stan Winston! Of course, since I'm doing a review of it here, you know that did not come to be. Instead, it ended up being directed by Luca Bercovici, the man who brought us The Granny. By the way, keep an eye out for a future breakout star here. This is...

Ghoulies

Our story begins- like most- with a Satanic ceremony. Basically, a bunch of weird guys in robes are going to sacrifice a child to their dark master. Of course, since this is only the introduction, a few of the cultists change their minds and turn against the group. I always feel safe relying upon Satanists to make the right decision! On a side note, Satan must be getting tired of all of these ceremonies turning bad. We cut to the present day where our hero is an aimless adult. He inherits a big house, which looks oddly familiar. Shouldn't 'former residence of Satanists' be on the description for any house on the market? He ends up there with his girlfriend, who apparently thinks that she can change him and get him moving. This always turns out well, doesn't it? Little does he know that one of the men doing the yard work is the same man who helped put a kibosh on the ceremony years ago. Could he be the child from before? Could the power from before show up again? Could this movie telegraph its plot points in a more subtle manner? Nah.

*

Slowly but surely, the guy gets drawn in by the ambient power of the house. He does all of this while his girlfriend is away, although she starts to suspect something when his behavior changes and he starts having to wear sunglasses all of the time. Yeah, apparently dark power makes your eyes glow...for some reason. He puts a stop to her complaining by turning her to the dark side as well though and sets up a party for one of her friends. Incidentally, one of them is played by a young and sultry Mariska Hargity (of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit), although it is hard to recognize her in a dress! The group is a motley mix of 80s stock characters, including the stoner guys who ride skateboards, the stuck-up girl(s) and the guy who thinks that he is funny. When the crowd gets restless, our hero decides to pull out the ultimate party game- a magic spell. This goes about as well as it did in The Gate II, but definitely better than in Evilspeak. The spell they cast seems to do nothing, but, of course, a monster or two comes across the void. This time, however, the things are...tiny and cute. Should I be scared, movie?

*

The movie tries to stall for time before the monsters show up. The beasts choose to strike Ten Little Indians-style after the group splits up into several smaller ones. One poor guy nearly gets to make out with Mariska, but is cock-blocked by some puppets...I mean, monsters. Seriously, these things are ridiculous and don't look like they could take down a dead mouse! The actors do their best to look freaked out and run around. Things only get worse as the evil cult leader who was killed in the beginning makes his presence known by raising from his grave in the backyard. You guys couldn't have either cremated him or buried him somewhere else? As the film nears its end, they attempt to wrap things up quickly. Our lead actors manage to break out of their spells and rush to save their friends. As if the movie wanted to prove my point from earlier, one guy who looked like he was going to be a victim is seen amongst the fleeing survivors. Way to do your job, ghoulies! Evil is bested and all is well...until the sequels. The End.

*

This movie is not good, but you can honestly do worse. Most of the movie is wisely built around the set-up to the big ghoulies attack, since the actual stuff is pretty bad. The leads do a pretty good job at playing remotely-real characters, although the supporting actors could easily be replaced with extras from a Miller Lite commercial! Well, to be fair, Mariska is not bad, although her character has all of the depth of a belly button. The actual monsters just look stupid, to be completely honest with you. You can practically see where the shot is forcibly-framed around the puppeteers' locations. After over twenty years of Sesame Street and The Muppets by this point, couldn't they have done better? You get some pretty lame rear projection work as well, which is just icing on the shit-cake here. Did you expect better though? Fans of silly 80s horror will be able to forgive a lot of this and just embrace the film for all of its non-glory.

*

Up next, we take a look at the first sequel in the series. Is it better? Do the ghoulies not suck as much? Did they get the dwarf from Troll to be in it? Stay tuned...