Instant Fun: The Medusa Against The Son of Hercules

Are you ready for a really misleading description?  Good.  Today's film is The Medusa Against The Son of Hercules, one of many in a series.  Which Son of Hercules?  Why Perseus, that's who.  I know what you're thinking- they never even met, let alone were related.  Well, are you ready to find out the truth?  Basically, someone bought up a bunch of Sword and Sandal Films- some with Hercules, Ulysses and the like- and lumped them together as The Sons of Hercules.  My friends and I first came across this phenomenon thanks to Rifftrax and their hilarious riffing of The Sons of Hercules: Land of Darkness (well worth your $9.99).  There are 14 of these things, so I may get to more of these in the future.  With nothing to do one night, Bob and I checked this out on Streaming.  It is crap.  It is funny crap though.  The film tells the story of Perseus, some evil guy, a dragon that never fully exits a lake and the titular Medusa.  It is stretched quite a bit to fill 90 minutes and just plain silly on multiple occasions.  After a long delay, I remember it fondly still.  To find out if you will feel the same, read on...

If you didn't know that this was a 'TV Series' made up of multiple films, this would REALLY freak you out.  How many Writers do you need?!?!?

The Story begins properly by explaining to you that this is about Perseus, who is a 'Son of Hercules' since the guy liked him.  No, really.

Basically, there are two forces.  They keep fighting in this rocky area.  As it turns out, this is a bad idea since there is a Medusa nearby and the world's laziest Dragon.  Much like 'Zombie Dad' from Amityville Dollhouse, it seems cool until you realize the limitation- in this case, it is not ever exposing more than half of the creature.

Apparently this is the ONLY way to travel for the good guys, which seems implausible and contrived.  Who'd live there?

Perseus (Richard Harrison) finally plays a role: he's a guy who wants to avenge his father's death, while also not wanting to fight.

He is also secretly-training the Princess (it's a secret to him that she's a Princess, that is).  He's kind of dull.

He ends up working for the King as a Guard...and immediately quits.  He's kind of a puss.

Despite winning a fight earlier and getting a job, he quits...only to return to save the Princess.  It's Damsel in Distress Syndrome, folks!

This guy is evil.  He wants to marry the Princess.  That is the only thing you need to know.

Perseus is the hero, so he naturally takes out both creatures.  Both events are a bit underwhelming.

He kills the Dragon by...swimming near it and re-emerging.  He kills the Medusa by looking away with a shield and swinging his Sword.  Lame.

With the Medusa dead, Perseus has a new Army.  I'm sure that these people who just got un-stoned will be great fighters and have all of their weapons!

Of course, Perseus wins.  He kills the villain, who makes this lovely face before going to see Hades & the day is saved.  The End.

This is cheesier than Parmesan!  Viewed as its own film- Perseus the Invincible-, it is straight-forward with some cheesy moments.  Viewed as a Son of Hercules film and it takes on an extra-cheesy nature.  He's obviously not related to the famous Demi-God, so you're confused right from the gate.  It puts you in the frame of mind that makes every goofy moment- like the world's laziest dragon- just seem extra ridiculous.  There are certainly moments that could really work- like the dragon's detailed design-, so it is not without worth.  The glimpses of a good movie make it worth giving a shot, while its cheesy moments will make you laugh.  There are certainly structural problems.  For example, Perseus is a very hard to follow hero.  He wants revenge, but doesn't rush off to get it.  He loses to a guy, then barely wins the next time...but they just act like he is a great hero now.  Right...okay.  I will say that there is a line where a hero can be reluctant, but still make him seem driven.  It doesn't really work here, as Perseus constantly seems to fight against the plot itself!  In summary, this is a sub-par movie made fun and cheesy...albeit by accident.  If you like to do your own Rifftrax/MST3K-style riffing, you will get a kick out of this.  I will leave you with one Actor's total fail at being an Archer (which they didn't bother Editing out)...

Next up, I'm either doing an Arty Import or a Full Moon Film.  Since they couldn't be any more different, you can enjoy the suspense.  Stay tuned...

Instant Horror 'Crap': Hands of the Ripper

A good movie that just happens to be short on ideas.  Today's film is Hands of the Ripper, a Hammer film that has gotten a major cult status over the years.  It has a Blu-Ray release, while films like Rawhead Rex hasn't been released on DVD since 1999.  Yes, that still bothers me.  The plot is a curious one, as it tries to delve into Psychoanalysis.  For one thing, it's 1971, so not all of it is all that credible.  Second, this is a Period Piece Thriller, so the main character is a follower of Freud...while he's still alive.  My main problem- which I'll go into in the review- is that the film is kind of one-note.  It's an interesting note all the same, but it doesn't have much to say.  I don't hate the movie, but will have to attach that caveat to any recommendation.  To find out more about this film that you may not have seen yet, read on...

The story focuses on two people: a Doctor and a young woman.  She's the daughter of Jack the Ripper and saw him kill her mother.  Years later, she meets up with this man after...

She inadvertently kills the woman who took her in as a child.  To be fair, she was under hypnosis (more on that later) and the woman was selling her virginity to a rich guy.

Yeah, you got poked instead, lady!

Even though he could *wrongly* set up the rich guy as the killer, the Doctor blackmails him into helping him find out about the young woman.  This plot thread doesn't really go that far, but does establish the problem with our hero- his obsession.

The problem is that our heroine is susceptible to a very specific post-hypnotic suggestion.  She has to see a glinting light and then be kissed on the cheek in order to make her go into a rage.

To be fair, the second part of the trigger does build up suspense.  However, you know it's going to happen every time!

As a whole, this sums up the film really well.  It's got window-dressing (a sub-plot with a son and his blind fiancee), but is mostly just about this exact scene (tweaked only slightly).

I don't really have anything else to say about that.  The End.

Good for a bit, but pretty one-note.  The film is not bad.  It does a great job of setting up the characters, setting and story.  I have no complaints in that department.  I will say that certain characters are introduced only to die (a staple we see a lot these days) and others exist only to pad out the run-time.  I'm sorry, but I did not care about the son.  Hell, even his blind fiancee is a blatant bit of pandering to an audience too.  This character really has no place in the film.  The biggest problem is just repetition.  The film eventually becomes a way to pass the characters from one kill scene to another.  Run away- find a prostitute.  What happens to the prostitute?  She's killed.  One psychic lady even meets the same fate as the Paranormal Expert in Paranormal Entity- exposition, exposition, die.  At least the one in Paranormal Activity 3 was only in the trailer (yes, this also still bugs me).  The other thing is the character of the Doctor- he can't take a hint.  After thinking that the girl killed her faux mother, he takes her in to study her.  After the second killing, he covers it up.  The same with the third and fourth killings too.  You have to be REALLY obsessed with being against Capital Punishment to hide actual murders to further your cause.  His obsession passes the point of logical reality for me, taking me out a bit.  As a funny side-note, I like that the town is running through the streets with torches after a *single woman* is killed.  I get that you dealt with Jack the Ripper a decade or so ago, but it's still a bit silly!  If you can accept the simple, one-note premise of the film, it is chock full of atmosphere and is overall good.  Just remember- it's all this guy's fault!!!

Next up, a terrible film that I only bought because I hate myself.  Ted V. Mikels is back to torture me once again!  Stay tuned...

Instant Horror Crap: Dolly Dearest

Oh joy, the rip-off of a franchise that I don't care for.  

Today's film is Dolly Dearest, a 1992 film trying to be Friday the 13th.  

No, of course not- it's Child's Play.  

To be fair, the killer doll idea is not a bad one.  

At a certain point, however, an audience says 'Hey- it's just a doll.'  It's at that point that you have to explain why they don't just smash it.  Very few of them answer this conundrum very well, which is part of my problem with this sub-genre.  

Enough vague insults- let's move on to the actual film.  It's Child's Play- only it's in Mexico with an evil spirit in a girl doll.  I can see the creative juices just flowing off of the page!  

The film stars Denise Crosby and Sam Bottoms aka the brother of Timothy Bottoms.  Timothy is someone you might remember for playing George W. Bush is both That's My Bush! and DC 9/11.  

How he did both is still beyond me.  This film is not easy to find, as evidenced by the clearly-VHS print that Netflix has on Streaming.  

Why someone demanded a Blu-Ray release for Heavyweights and not this is also beyond me.  Regardless, let's see why this film is both hilarious and awful...

A man invests the last bit of their family's money into a Doll Factory in Mexico.  In hindsight, it seems like a poor business model.  

As un-luck would have it, an Evil Dead spirit escapes from a Crypt and inhabits one of the dolls.

The family's daughter quickly bonds with the doll, making this film into an awkward combination of an Exorcism movie and a Child's Play rip-off.  

Joy.

The doll- and later dolls- decide to kill random people...because.  

Since they're dolls and this is a shitty horror film, the kills take about five minutes to set up every time.  Thanks, Slasher Filler!

Oh, and Rip Torn is (barely) in this movie.  It's not worth noting, save for his hilarious (and inconsistent) accent.

Since there is no Police- since the Police in Mexico are famously lax (ha ha)-, there's no evidence of the doll being evil...so that dad doesn't buy it.

Yet.

The silliest moment of the film comes when our Resident Mom confronts the doll, which sits in a chair to taunt her.  Seriously, they thought that this was both scary and not at all funny.

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gah- who designed the doll to make the Exorcist face?!?  

I mean, would that be a feature that you'd want to make?!?

Since this movie's ending is so stock- they blow up all of the dolls-, I don't even feel like showing a real still.  

Stock explosion shot, ahoy!  The End.

It's stock as hell, but it is funny.  

The good parts of the movie are generally the silly parts.  That's not to say that there's not some good Acting in the film.  Crosby and Bottoms both do good in their parts.  

I liked Rip Torn here, but for all of the wrong reasons.  Half of the time, he looks like he's reading his Cue Cards from just behind the camera.  The other half of the time, he's doing this weird vaguely Romanian accent.  Although he's barely in the movie, his attempts are fun- again, for all of the wrong reasons.  

Speaking for the wrong reasons, the special effects.  The doll shots are made of decent animatronic work (I think that the Editing helps) and midgets in suits.  Seriously, it's that obvious!  

It's still better than that weird bear thing from Barbarian though (which was actually a kid- creepy!).  Other than that, there are barely any effects to speak of.  That's good, since the one optical effect is crap and the one prosthetic shot sucks.  

As a whole, it's a cheap rip-off, but it's still more fun to watch and laugh at than Child's Play 3.  Take us away, Ghana cover art I found online...

Next up, one last film (since I suck).  How about a Hammer film about someone who really can't stop murders.  Stay tuned...

Instant Horror Crap: The Devil Within Her

You will believe that a baby could punch you in the face!  Today's film is The Devil Within Her, the older and less-funny version of The Devil Inside.  Actually, it has nothing to do with that film and was made in the '70s. It is also not to be confused with The Devil Within (featuring one Bill Oberst Jr).  It also has nothing to do with THIS Devil Within Her, which is also known as faux Beyond the Door...which led to two 'sequels.'  Before I confuse anyone any further, let me tell you why this movie should be famous: demon baby with super-strength.  Oh yeah, this is real.  Joan Collins has a baby, only to find out that it has super-strength and ain't taking no shit from anyone.  You think that I jest- I do not.  The whole film is built around people being scared of a killer baby.  It doesn't even have giant teeth like It's Alive.  Instead, it's presented through pretty-lame trick photography and random shots of a baby not seeming to be aware of anything.  Thrilling!  To find out why this movie fails and succeeds in many ways, read on...

Joan Collins- who I forget is British- and her Italian fiancee have a baby.  What could possibly go wrong?

 Oh right- it turns out that her baby is possessed by the Devil.  Want to know why?

Well, she spurned the advances of a Dwarf performer at a Night Club about a year earlier.  Being a Dwarf, he curses her child to be born possessed by Satan.

I don't question this, so why should you?

Donald Pleasance is here...to deliver his lines with all of the conviction of someone who just doesn't give a shit.  He gets his later though...

When Doctors and Nuns work together...nothing really happens.  Like much of this movie, it just kind of exists.  Oh well.

To make this more interesting (than the movie), I'll highlight two of the 'baby's' biggest moments.  First, it pushes a babysitter into a lake.

This kills her, you see, since she hits the water and lightly drifts against a rock.  Apparently her head was made of tissue paper.

When Collins brings the man who may or may not be the baby daddy home to see it, it punches him in the face.  Oh yeah- that happened.

The brief shining light in this film is John Steiner- who's appeared in such film as Yor, Hunter from the Future, Sinbad of the Seven Seas and Beyond the Door II- who's always awesome.  Naturally, he's barely in the film.

Skipping ahead, the movie kills off its main characters in silly, silly ways.  The baby somehow breaks out and sets up a noose trap to kill the husband.  No, really.

Later on, it sets up a trap to decapitated Dr. Pleasance...with a shovel.  Words fail me, gentlemen.

In the End, everyone except the Nun Sister, who does an exorcism to save the baby...which also kills the Dwarf.

By the way, he was at the Club the whole time.  This never came up?  The End.

How do you kill a movie premise so viciously?  What's good- the goofy premise, the shots of London and John Steiner.  I love the guy- I make no qualms about that.  What's bad- the pacing, the execution and the overall tone of the movie.  I wanted to laugh at the silly premise and the dramatic acting...but they really make it suck.  It just doesn't have anything going for it...in spite of the silly premise.  Seriously- it's an evil, killer baby...and they made it boring.  Is it any wonder that I haven't mustered up the interest to watch this film in the multiple months that it has sat in my Instant Queue.  Given that I saw part of it on AMC like four years ago and finally watched it this week, it should say a lot about the film.  The bottom line: the killer baby parts are so ridiculous that they're funny.  Everything else is boring as hell.  When a movie relies on this shot to inspire terror, you know that nothing good will come of it...

Next up, a blatant knock-off of an overrated horror film from the '80s.  Will Netflix's VHS transfer turn the tide?  Stay tuned...

Instant Forgotten Sequels: The Bad News Bears Go To Japan

Can I just say 'UGH!' and move on with my life.  My inner voices are telling me 'no,' so I guess that I have to elaborate.  This is the third film in the original Bad News Bears trilogy (provided that you don't count the TV show- but why would you).  This one was so bad that they never bothered to make a new entry in the franchise for over 25 years!  If you don't know the tale, I'll give you the basic rundown.  In the first film, a lovable drunk (Walter Matthau) molded a bunch of foul-mouthed kids into a team...but they still lost.  It's kind of like Rocky actually- must be a '70s thing.  In the second film, they lose their Coach, but gain a new one in the father of one of the players.  It was apparently about them playing another team for the right to challenge the famous Japanese World Champions- bear that in mind for later.  In this film, they get their wish- kind of- and get yet another new coach.  Yes, despite their second Coach being the father of one of the kids, he's nowhere to be seen nor is his absence addressed.  Real nice.  The late Tony Curtis is here as the new Coach, so that's certain to be polarizing for a lot of people.  To find out why this film is relegated to the waste dump of sequels, read on...

The introductory scene explains that the challengers to the Japanese team turned down the offer.  That leads our team to challenge them instead.

Yes, we're starting off with a plot-hole right from the beginning.  Joy.

Meanwhile, a sleazy and out-of-work Producer (Curtis) is looking for a way in.  Seeing the crass team, he sees his opportunity.  Time to lie your ass off!

I should mention that Jackie Earl Haley is back for this film and is the only other actor to receive above-the-title-billing here.  In spite of that, he pretty much just appears in group shots and his own sub-plot.  Double joy.

As a bonus, his sub-plot is that he stalks this one Japanese girl because...some reason and this makes her like him.  No, really.

We do get to see legendary Wrestler Antonio Inoki beat the shit out of Tony Curtis('s stunt double).  That has to count for something, right?

The middle chunk of this movie is pretty much just made up of scenes showing how Japan/Japanese people are weird compared to us.  To that end, here's a random Japanese video...

Let's wrap this up, shall we?  We get only the second baseball playing footage of the movie...for the final game.  This is a Baseball movie, right?

The game gets called due to a big fight and the network is mad.

Curtis, however, is happy to see the two teams playing each other in private and breaks the deal.  Oh and Stalker Jackie gets the girl.  The End.

So what is the opposite of Comedy again?  Whatever it is, it defines this movie!  Don't get me too wrong now- I see where the comic potential is.  You have the (still) misfit Sports Team combined with the Hustler with a Heart of Gold character and the Fish Out of Water story.  Even as jumbled as it is, there's no reason that this movie should fail.  It does though.  The biggest problem is that nobody gets along and nearly every character is turned into a Stock one.  There's a scene where Curtis lists his team, mentioning that he has a Jew, a Mexican, etc.  The sad thing- that's all the character that most of them get.  The only two players- save for Jackie's Kelly- with anything to do here are Mustafa (who hates the Coach) and his brother (who follows the Coach around).  Instead, the show turns into being all about Curtis 'playing the game.'  Is Jerk Promoter anywhere in the title The Bad News Bears Go To Japan?  No.  As far as Jackie Earl Haley's part goes, it's...weird.  He's starting to look a little creepy, a fact that's not aided by his behavior.  Seriously, he just follows this girl to her Geisha training, to the Subway and all of the way home.  This makes her...like him- right.  Amusingly enough, it does make me picture a teenage Bill Oberst Jr. (friend of the site) in a love story like this- it wouldn't be any stranger!  Here's the bottom line: this movie is just awkward and almost never funny.  Instead, here's my bad attempt at Photoshop...

Next up, the sequel to a feminist blaxploitation film.  I'll give you a quarter if you've heard of this movie.  Stay tuned...

Instant Forgotten Sequels: From Dusk 'Till Dawn 3- The Hangman's Daughter

You remind me way too much of Ginger Snaps: The Beginning.  No, that is obviously not a compliment.  Today's film is the third From Dusk 'Till Dawn movie.   As you may have inferred, it's a Prequel.  Before I go too far, I have to ask- what is up with that?!?  It's not the most common trend in Cinema, but it happens more than you might think.  Ginger Snaps 3- Prequel.  Paranormal Activity 3- Prequel.  At least the Tremors Prequel was the fourth film, but, to be fair, the third film was really an extension leading into the TV show, so you could argue the case still.  Regardless, it's weird.  Let's see if Laid to Rest 3 or Hatchet 3 (UPDATE: It happened, but wasn't) will be a Prequel, I guess.  Back to this film...if I have to.  Released the same year as Part 2, this film is designed to set up the Original film, so it is a bit of a rehash.  I'll get into that in a bit more detail in the actual review.  Danny Trejo is back, making him the only link between all three films- joy.  Fun fact: Danny doesn't have his mustache here, implying that he shaved it off for a better film in between these two.  I won't waste any more space in this introduction and just dive right into the film...

Famous Writer Ambrose Bierce is the hero of this tale, a man trying to get to Pancho Villa.

However, fate intervenes and a famous Outlaw escapes his execution and flees with the titular daughter.

So, basically, this film is about Ambrose traveling with two Christians in Plot A.  Plot B features the Outlaw, the Daughter and his posse.  Plot C (which is practically non-existent) features the Hangman leading others to find them.  Get it?  Got it?  Good.

Instead of getting to the point, this movie drags its feet by having a bunch of gang interaction and our anti-hero leaving a young girl to hang.  Nice.

Ambrose and company make it to a bar and find Danny Trejo.  Praise Jeebus- you make this movie good again!

Everyone else converges on the Bar, leading to this movie having a point.  It's also here that you realize a key problem: this is practically a Remake.

Think about it: you have a Pastor/Priest, a young girl, some outlaws and other assorted n'er do wells trapped in a bar full of Vampires.  How creative.

The Vampire action is a good break from all the shooting and fighting, but it's still the usual fare for this series.

Blah blah blah Plot Twist blah blah blah They escape.  Oh and...

Famous Writer Ambrose Beirce is now a Vampire.  Take that, Bloodrayne 2!  The End.

Vampire Film continue to find different ways to suck.  Some of them are amateurish and stupid (Die Hard Dracula), some are ridiculous (Dracula Rising) while others are just not funny (Dracula Blows His Cool).  There's even a special place in my heart for all of those Vampire Sequels that ruin everything (Dracula II/III, Bloodrayne III, etc).  So what's the problem with this film?  To answer that, I say this- it's easier to say what the film didn't do right.  The acting- not good.  The plot- not good.  The effects- pretty damn silly.  The whole thing is a bottom heavy film.  That works for ladies- who doesn't love a Fat Bottomed Girl?- but not for films.  You have to wait AN HOUR for everyone to get to the bar.  They spend the previous sixty minutes setting up a dozen characters who get wiped out pretty quickly once the action begins.  About fifty minutes, they randomly introduce Orlando Jones (of Seconds Apart fame) as a guy in the bar.  His role- to get turned, dance with our heroine and then die.  Glad you spent that time wisely, guys!  The bottom line- it's hard to care about any of these characters.  Even a slew of Third Act Plot Twists- including the titular Daughter being Salma Hayek's character from the first one- add nothing to this dull mess.  If you want a great summary of how random this film is, consider this sequence.  A Vampire attacks the Hangman, who proceeds to wrap his whip around the thing's head and twists it, causing it to get cut off.  Seconds later, a giant snaked head pops out, taunts the guy and is immediately blown off with one shot.  That happens.

Next up, I change gears to cover the most infamous film in a '70s trilogy.  Will a change of locale help the Bears or kill them?  Stay tuned...