Italian '80s Trash: Shocking Dark (aka Terminator 2) (1989)

 I'm not entirely sure what is shocking about this.  This is Shocking Dark, an infamous 1989 Film from Bruno Mattei.  If America made a Hit Film, he could make a knock-off.  He made Great White when Jaws was a hit.  He made Robowar when Predator was a hit.  He made Strike Commando when Rambo: First Blood, Part 2 was a hit (with the same Lead!).  In this case, he made a double-knock off- a rare treat.  For historical purposes, his Terminator II was the first one to come out.  So are the numbers in the famous Film Franchise wrong?  Of course not!  Besides, what kind of number is Genisys anyhow?  So if you like Deja Vu and James Cameron too, this one is a silly treat.  The Cast is mostly Italian B-Movie Players, although the Lead Actress only has THIS on her Resume.  Ouch.  Of course, the Writer is far more famous- Claudio Fragrasso.  Yes, the man behind the famous Troll 2 is here for Terminator II- naturally.  The Plot involves pollution in Venice, a dark future, dark tunnels and lots of terrible people.  To find out if anything proves to be shocking in the dark, read on...

In the future, Venice is dealing with pollution in its water and a rising Sea Level.  I'm waiting for the Sci-Fi part.

Oh right- some strange creature killing people in the Tunnels.

When there is trouble, they send in the best, the brightest...and the most Racist.

Seriously, they engage in random ethnic slurs to...build conflict?  Our Not Private Vasquez here is the worst culprit of that.

On the plus side, her Actress- Geretta Geretta- was in Demons.

The ragtag group- which also includes a representative of the Tubular Corporation (no joke) and Not Ripley- try to find survivors, but only find this guy who screams so loud it hurts.

If you want an explanation for how he does this, you're watching the wrong Movie.

The creatures turn out to be these...terrifying (?) things.  

I'm sure H.R. Giger is rolling his eyes.

Hell, the guy behind the Humanoids from the Deep costumes is probably doing it too!

The guy from *heh* the Tubular Corporation is holding a big secret as they work through the base.

I mean, it's an Alien (rip-off) Film, so he's probably going to be revealed as a Robot/Android.
Seriously, it's a thing.

If there was still any doubt that this Film about Marines in tight corridors battling alien-looking creatures alongside Not Ripley wasn't based on Aliens, here's the little girl.

80% of her lines- especially by the end- just involve shouting 'Sara!' (aka Not Ripley).  She in-turn shouts 'Samantha!'

They eventually discover that one of the Scientists was making creatures that could copy, adapt to and take over other life forms.

Naturally, it just turns them all into the same silly-looking bastards.  Science!

The Not Aliens prove to be too much for most of the Marines, including the Racist one.  No...stop...don't.

As it turns out, the obvious Robot guy is a Robot.  Oh no!  What a shock.

Now here's were things get really, really odd...

Sara! and Samantha! escape the Facility via...Time Capsules.  Way to set that up, Film!

Of course, the Robot escapes in another and they have to kill him in modern-day Venice.  Now it's Terminator.  The End.

A silly, but fun time.  Is this Film good?  I mean, no.  It is a Bruno Mattei Film that rips off Aliens and The Terminator.  It is about water impurities in Venice that leads to Mutants.  It randomly throws in Time Travel in the 3rd Act.  Its Effects are pretty basic and silly.  So yeah, it's not good.  That said, it is pure fun.  The Acting is pretty bad.  You can probably blame alot of it on the Dubbing.  Even without that caveat, it is pretty bad.  The Special Effects are capable, but cheesy.  The Film- minus the early Character Racism and bickering- is fun.  They keep things moving and getting sillier.  The sudden turn to 'Now this is about a killer Robot' is great too for all of the wrong reasons.  It isn't shocking, other than how this got past the Lawyers.  It is dark though- to hide the cheap effects- so I guess it is what they advertised...

Next time, I look at the oft-forgotten Sequel to a '70s Classic (blunder).  With 10 years to improve, did they even try?  Stay tuned...

International '80s Trash: Monster Dog

Alice Cooper was practically a horror actor in his own right. During the 70s and early 80s, his stage shows were the stuff of legend. Murder- check. Decapitations- check. Giant snakes for no good reason- big check. So what happened when someone actually made a horror film starring him? Was it Tommy or was it Kiss Meets The Phantom of the Park? Find out in my review of...

Monster Dog

The film begins with a long music video of Alice Cooper. This is actually one of two songs that does not appear on any of his major albums, but does in this movie. Historical significance is on the side of this movie so far, even if the first song is odd. Basically, he is talking about his different moods and naming them after famous characters. This leads to Cooper dressing up in silly outfits to be 'James Bond,' 'Sherlock Holmes' and 'Jack the Ripper.' Oddly, the latter two have a rich history...but that is for another day. This video, which of course takes several set changes and costume flips, is done in one take as the movie would have us believe. Um...how about some plot, movie?

*

We finally get some as Alice and company head to the main character's old hometown to shoot a music video. Evidently, his old, dusty mansion is better than a sound stage. They are stopped by fog and a pesky law enforcement agent. The movie first hints at some strange background related to Alice's family and the town. After the Scooby gang leaves, the two cops are killed by an unseen werewolf and some rottweilers. Monster- check. Monster on screen- eh, not so much. He arrives home to find a big banner, but only one resident: the old butler. He is in no way the butler from Kid Notorious, but he does look similar. The house is worn-in, decrepid and dusty- let's party!

*

They start filming another video- which appears to be right out of a Dario Argento day-dream- before shit goes down. One of the ladies finds the bloody body of the butler (thanks for coming) and shooting, naturally, stops. To make matters worse, Alice is haunted by dreams about his family's past and a really silly-looking painting of his 'ancestor.' The film basically pads itself out a bit with this 'waking dream' thing for a while before the big finish.

*

It is usually nice to have visitors, but not when they are gun-wielding hunters who want you dead. A group of locals lock down the house and decide to kill everyone inside. Why? Because they think that Alice is a werewolf (the family curse). Why everyone else? Just because. Of course, one of the women ran off earlier and Alice followed before all of this happened. All of this leads up to the mother of all gun battles: Alice Cooper vs. Drunken Hicks. The skinny singer who has shown little aptitude for firearms does surprisingly well. Oh yeah, the werewolf shows its ugly head again before the end as well. Will our heroes survive? Will Alice escape the family curse? Will this movie get any more interesting? No, no and a big NO. The End.

*

This movie is really not that good and I can tell you why: Claudio Fragrasso. The man has never made all that good of a film before, as evidenced by Zombie 4 and Hell of the Living Dead (how have I missed this movie?!?). Casting Alice Cooper is a good idea, but they do one very bad one to counteract it: dubbing. You never hear Alice's voice in the film, save for the two songs. It is as jarring as hearing the real lady in Walk The Line after listening to Reese Witherspoon. This is also on par with Hercules in the Haunted World not getting Christopher Lee to do his English dubbing for the U.S. release. The DVD also has a very bad VHS transfer to boot, taking any polish off of the sub par effects. Aside from the novelty of seeing Alice Cooper in a horror film (he did a couple more BTW), this film is just not worth it. I'd rather just listen to School's Out for 90 minutes.

*

Horror films with pun titles are almost never good. This will be no exception. Stay tuned...

Zombie-A-Go-Go: Zombi 4

I always laugh a little when talking about the Zombi 'series.' In no way are any of the films connected. They have different stars, directors (since Fulci deserted Zombi 3) and no common plot threads. Even bad series' like Critters and the later Halloween films had continuity of some sort. These random films about different kinds of zombies in different locales are still interesting though. While they don't always (or seemingly-ever) make sense, the stories are unique enough to get your attention. Does this still hold true? Find out in my review of...

Zombi 4: After Death

I just want to take a moment to comment on how stupid that title is. Of course, the movie itself merely says 'After Death,' implying pretty directly that the 'Zombi 4' part of it was added later. Big surprise.

*

The plot starts off strange and never looks back. An introductory monologue explains that a group of scientists formed an island community centered around the idea of curing all diseases. How do we end up with zombies? Find out. A Ruben-esque voodoo priest is summoning up some evil power, while a bunch of white people run to stop him. They show up armed, but he is not worried. He explains that their failure to save his son has driven him to revenge. You, sir, are no Doctor Phibes. One of the men finally snaps and fills the guy full of Uzi bullets, but it is too late. A zombie lady (who looks like the lady vampire from Blacula) leaps out of the mystical hole Mortal Kombat-style and attacks. Start running!

*

Basically, a bunch of them run around and get killed every time that they stop for no reason. One little girl escapes and is given a necklace so that when see her in the present, we know who she is. She arrives on the island as an adult with a bunch of mercenaries on vacation. Why they are together is very vague. As vague as the 'magical pull' that forces their boat there. They wander around until one of them is attacked. Despite his combat training, he barely fends off the hooded zombie and gets bitten. Naturally, after all of this, they wander into a house and look around.

*

We get a second set of protagonists, though their longevity is minimal. Basically, they wander into a cave and decide to read the Book of the Dead. No, not that one. The scientist who insisted on doing it is torn apart, as is the girl who told them not to- fair enough, movie. One guy escapes...somehow and runs off. Just to note, this guy is played by an infamous gay porn star. According to an interview with the director, he had no clue at the time. Oops.

*

This gets pretty formulaic from here-on out for the most part. They stand around until someone gets converted into a zombie and bites them. Meanwhile, the house gets surrounded by hooded zombies, but a mass of bullets slows them down. We get a side-aspect of some candles being set up that stop the zombie horde...but not the ones inside. This keeps being blown out, feeling almost like a comedy of errors. Our heroes still die in obvious ways, but one unique thing happens. Zombie with guns! All of you people who are in love with Land of the Dead's 'zombie uses gun' scene can suck it! Of course, this film does not have Asia Argento shooting zombies, so it is still inferior. This movie also ends in a really strange way that I will not even attempt to explain.

*

Is this movie good? Do you really have to ask? It is called Zombie 4: After Death! The real question is this: is it entertaining? Oddly, yes. In spite of itself, the movie is fun to laugh at and pretty well-paced. Because they barely stop to explain the plot, the film moves pretty briskly. Should it take time to explain things? Yeah, that would be nice. Logic goes out the window the second you hear that ridiculous pop song in the opening credits though. If you can accept that this movie is really dumb and makes no sense, you may have a little fun. You have zombies with machine guns- what else do you need?

*

What is worse than killer zombies? Super-intelligent rats...in the future! Stay tuned...