Project Terrible: Twilight Saga- Eclipse

Freaking finally!  I'm on the last Twilight film (again- so far), so let's get through this as quickly as possible.  This film wraps up most of the plot points from the last two films.  You may wonder why Meyer wrote four books as a series and choose to write in the trilogy format.  That's a good question.  The film version seems like it's going to be more awkward if they really plan to make it into a two-part finale.  We're going to have a five-part film series?  Weird.  This film finally has the climax of the two-film build-up of that red-headed vampire lady running around the woods, as well as the rash of vampire serial murders.  They still leave something for the last film/two films, but it's just the romance stuff.  Yeah, I totally care about this.  We finally get a major vampire-on-vampire battle here, so I'm sure that it won't be a huge disappointment after over five hours of on-screen build-up.  Open your eyes before you close them again, because we have an...

* After an opening scene involving a guy being attacked...somewhere that's not Forks, we get this shot.  No, really.

* A weird sub-plot involves Edward paying to fly Bella away to see her mother for a weekend in order to hide her.  Don't worry- he still stays and stalks her.  Creepy!

* These guys are back.  Before you laugh at their appearance, take note of how only a couple of them are actually in good shape.  I mean, if you're going to be shirtless on camera, wouldn't you hit the gym a bit more?

* The big problem with this movie's plot is that it introduces three other sub-plots via flashback...and these are more interesting.

First- a flashback showing Indian 'werewolves' fighting a pair of Victorian vampires.   Why are we not watching this movie?

* Second- we learn that one of the ancillary vampire characters was gang-raped, turned into a vampire before  death and getting her revenge.  Why aren't we watching this movie?

* Third- 'Harpo' gives his back-story about being converted to a vampire during The Civil War and serving under an evil vampire lady.  Why aren't we watching this movie?

* After 90 minutes, we get the battle involving that red-headed lady, her group of 'newborn' vampires vs. the good vampires and the 'werewolves.'  Awesome!

* This fight is over in five minutes (counting the fight involving Edward and the red-headed lady separately).  Lame!

* Wait a second- did that guy's head just crack off like a statue?  Are vampires made out of plaster?  That's got to be a mistake.

 * Okay- are vampire supposed to be made out of plaster?  How come nobody seems to talk about this weird idea?  How do you gloss over this?!?!?

* Oh yeah, Bella is going to get married.  Yea.

Please end this!  The plot of this movie leave a lot to be desired.  This whole film series (again- so far) does!  The movie spends about six hours building up Bella getting married (but not in this film) and a five-minute fight between a bunch of vampires and giant, wolf creatures.  Couldn't you spend six hours of fighting for five minutes of Bella's romance instead?  I know- I'm asking a lot.  This movie takes the romance film and the horror film, throws them in a blender and this fishes out as much of the horror stuff that it can.  Your film series is about a war between two tribes of vampires, but chooses to focus more on some bitch who has the hots for a scrawny jerk.  Incidentally, this movie also does a great job of taking decent characters and making them awful.  Edward realizes that 'bitch be tripping' and leaves, but eventually relents and marries her.  Jacob is a nice and giving character, but ultimately turns into a date-rapist due to her constant 'yes-no-yes-no' routine.  You're a horrible person and make everyone around you horrible!  I'm afraid to watch the next one/two film/films.  If I do, will I become a child molester like Edward's face?

Next up, I finish off my selection of Project Terrible films with a film that didn't make the cut last time.  It's an anime film so weird that even I couldn't make sense of it!  Stay tuned...

* Check out The Nostalgia Critic giving Bella a reaming- http://thatguywiththeglasses.com/videolinks/thatguywiththeglasses/nostalgia-critic/30723-top-11-dumbasses-in-distress *

  

Project Terrible: Twilight Saga- New Moon

Here we go again!  The second film in the Twilight series is the first one to get the pretentious 'Twilight Saga' tag thrown on it.  What was the reason for that?  Did they think that people who were fans of the book series had forgotten the name of the second book?  Were they afraid that the casual market wouldn't recognize the film made a year earlier and featuring the same cast?  I'm sorry, America, but I think the makers of Twilight think that you are stupid!  Aside from that, what is there to say for this lead-in?  The second film features Jacob in a much more prominent role, as opposed to just having him appear in four scenes in the last one and basically do nothing.  This is also the film famous for him not wearing a shirt ever, a fact joked about in Eclipse (which may or may not have been an ad-lib on Robert Pattinson's part).  We also meet a whole slew of new characters, almost all played by actors who are too good for this film (i.e. Michael Sheen, Dakota Fanning).  On the plus side, more happens in this movie.  Get out your new tide out as we await the...

* These two are still the focus.  I still don't care.

* You still kind of look creepy.  Not in that 'you look like a vampire' way, but in a 'hide your children from this child molester' way.  You're a tween sex symbol too.  Eww...

* Jacob is actually important here.  Unfortunately, he's only important because he's involved in a love-triangle.  On the plus side, he's not a date-rapist...yet.

* Seriously, put on a shirt.  It's freaking cold in Washington state!

* A major plot point involves Robert Pattinson flashing a crowd.  That's fan-service if I ever saw it.

* The big point that everyone makes really stands out to me- if the vampires are psychic, why don't they just tell Edward that Bella is alive?  They never explain this!

* We meet the vampire elders that live in, of all places, a sunny country.  How do they explain them not shining all the time?  Oh right- they wear long, red robes all the time.  That's not suspicious!

* Michael Sheen is a famous werewolf from Underworld and now he's a vampire here?  That's a bigger get than the white guy from Fastlane, I suppose.

* The film's finale involves trying to close up the love triangle.  Yes, don't focus on the vampire serial killer, the upcoming war or any other thing.  I want to know who Bella loves!

More plot equals a slightly-more interesting film.  The plot here is still not that good.  The problem is that this movie is built around being the middle part of a trilogy.  What happens in the middle part?  Pretty much nothing.  Even in the hands of a good writer (i.e. Tolkien), this is pretty apparent.  In the hands of Stephenie Meyer, well, you get the picture.  A lot of people like to point out that the Director of this movie also made The Golden Compass, another film built around giant, CG animals fighting each other.  I guess they're lucky that they didn't have to go with their second choice- Jim Wynorski!  One thing that really stands out to me in this movie, however, is something that nobody seems to mention.  These are werewolves!  By definition, you'd have to be part-wolf and part-man.  These are men that turn into wolves (albeit oddly-giant ones).  When you can't even get the concept of a vampire (ones who all have different super-powers and glow) or a werewolf (not Indian models in short-shorts) right, what hope is there?  The bottom line- this is a better film, but it's still not good.  Again, if you're a fourteen year-old girl, you will ignore all of this.  Look- men without shirts!

Next up, the final film (for now) in the series.  Will this film actually be good when it wraps up the overly-long plot?  Stay tuned...

Project Terrible: Twilight

It's come to this, hasn't it?  Thanks to Carl over at I Like Horror Movies (who's totally spacing on his part due to moving or some crap), I watched the entire (so far) Twilight series.  It's time to share the pain with you all!  The plot of Twilight is...aw, who am I kidding?  If you care, you already know.  If you don't care, you probably still know it.  The film is based on a popular book series which...again, I'm sure that you know.  What you may not know is that this is a series that I was trying to avoid.  As you can see, my luck ran out.  As opposed to doing a straight review,- what's the point really?- I'll do it like my Ringu review and just present my thoughts and some questions raised by it.  No, the first question is not going to be 'why do they glow?'  It's stupid, but they just do!  In actuality, a related question will be raised when I cover the third film...but we'll get to that when it comes up.  Let's break dawn in reverse to check out the...

* Did you have to begin the film with pretentious narration?  Do all teenagers these days self-narrate?  Do I sound like an old man right now when I ask that?

* Get used to the sight of long, far-off stares...

* That can't possibly be the sex symbol for this modern era, can it?  He looks ridiculous with his reddish hair and pale skin.  Is this for real?!?

* It's notable that their 'romance for the ages' begins with her oggling him and him appearing to be sick at his stomach.

* I love how he saves her in broad daylight and in front of everyone.  What happened to being discreet?  Does nobody investigate the hand-shaped dent in the truck's door?

* Your vampire friends look nice.  I'm sure that they won't try to suck your blood in the next movie.

* Okay, seriously, stop staring like that!  You're beginning to look like a child molester!

* Vampire baseball- it's as silly as it sounds.  Take note of how much male-to-male contact is made in an attempt to impress Bella.  Mixed messages?

* I'm not sure if they made this ending 'romantic' enough?  Judge for yourself...

What can I say?  This movie is clearly not aimed at me.  This movie is aimed at girls who don't care about the plot as long as people act angsty and guys take off their shirts.  This just makes me sad though.  How far has the vampire sub-genre gone?  It began with Nosferatu, became scarier with Hammer films and is now...this?  The biggest problem is this: the movie is not really about vampires all that much.  The film begins with long narration and moody character development.  It eventually gets to the vampire stuff, but that's barely there.  I bet you could make a 'Vampire-Free' version of the film with very little editing!  All of the stuff you know about- the glowing vampires, the angst-filled dialog and the lack of focus on horror- is all there.  Aside from that, the movie is just kind of dull.  It's a problem that all three of the films face really, although the second and third films make attempts to cover it a little.  As you'll see, that presents problems of its own too.  This film takes no risks and gets very little reward.  Of course, if you're a fourteen year-old girl, you will ignore everything I just said...

Up next, the second film in the series.  Out with the old and in with the shirtless werewolves.  Stay tuned...