Magical Moments of Cinema: Max Magician

Let's be honest: this movie is terrible. The plot is silly, the acting is low-caliber and the production values are minimalistic- to say the least! However, the movie does have a certain charm to it- it's funny as hell...to laugh at.

Basically, a kid wanders into a hole in a tree and ends up in a fantasy world, which consists of some woods and a Renaissance Festival. He runs into a Princess and must stop the evil wizard Dagda from taking over the world with his horde of Orc-wannabes.

There is so much in the way of crappy magic in this movie & it is hard to decide which one to highlight. However, one does come to mind...

The film's Deus Ex Machina comes in the form of some Knights that need to be summoned to turn the tide. Thanks to a silly digital effect, the heroes appear...out of a giant pile of leaves. To make matters sillier, there are only three knights, who are dressed in full armor, that are unarmed. That's right- karate knights. This gets better...

After the battle is won, the knights walk back over to the pile and disappear. There is literally no effect used here, not even a sound effect or a flash. Zero. Zip. Nadda. If you watch the movie with the Director's Commentary on, there is a big, awkward silence at this point, as if they just realized that they forgot to put one in! It's completely priceless.

Up next, a Deathstalker villain goes all Glen or Glenda with his assistant to stop our hero. Go ahead- try to rationalize that. Stay tuned...

Magical Moments of Cinema: Gettin' Lucky

The fact that I have neglected to review this movie so far amazes me to this day. Look for a review of it next year on the proper day for it. Ah well, I have plans for it today...

Basically, a nerdy guy has the hots for an alright 80s chick, but has no chance. Fortunately, he discovers a drunken leprechaun who can use his magic powers to help him. Unfortunately, he is a DRUNKEN leprechaun and can't do his magic right. This leads us to the most infamous moment of the film...

While trying to fix his bike, our hero wishes that he had a smaller wrench. The magic creature 'helps' him by shrinking him down instead. The girl rides off, but he is on her seat. As the trip goes, he ends up...in her shorts. If you ever wanted to see a woman be stimulated by a tiny man, this is your chance. By the way, they made a scale double for the 'giant landscape.' Best movie to be in the art department or worst movie to be in the art department- you decide.

Next up, I pay tribute to a movie that I love to hate. It has a little boy in a magic world, although it is not Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings or Eragon. It's...something to behold. Stay tuned...

Magical Moments: Jack the Giant Killer

Leave it to me to make a segment about a film only really notable for being an unofficial Ray Harryhausen film, huh? Well, I did it and you have to live with it.

*

The story: Jack is a farmer who gets caught up in a battle to save a Princess from an evil man named Pendragon (not Arthur). He joins up with a Viking and a Leprechaun in a bottle (more on one of those next time) to save the day. Oh and he brings a little kid around for no good reason.

*

The reason for the film's induction relates to the ending battle. After sending monsters after Jack, skeletons after Jack and even turning him into an animal, Pendragon apparently runs out of ideas. His last act as a powerful wizard is to turn himself into a monster to fight Jack.

*

Yeah, he goes to fight in person- so to speak. Guess what happens. Yeah, he dies.

Up next, a Leprechaun in an '80s sex comedy. I can't think that this will end well. Stay tuned...

Magical Moments: The Golden Voyage of Sinbad

Sinbad movies were huge back in the day, but have not quit transitioned into the modern age of cinema. This is in spite of the teaser idea of Keanu Reeves starring in The 8th Voyage of Sinbad, which has thankfully not been done. These movies feature lots of magic, not all of which makes a lot of sense. Today's example is one of them.

*

The whole movie has been about Sinbad leading this Prince to an ancient treasure that will restore his face to whole and allow him to rule. Along the way, an evil wizard has been attacking them and trying to get there. The movie features many magical moments done by the late Ray Harryhausen, but what bothers me is not one of those.

*

After finally getting the great power, the wizard...turns invisible and sword fights our hero. That's it? Your big trick is turning into Claude Rains?!? I should also mention that the sword does not turn invisible for most of it either. How effective is that, exactly?

*

Up next, a classic children's tale is turned into a fantasy extravaganza...with another stupid wizard. Stay tuned...

Magical Moments: Ninja Wars

You know that this week is special when I bring back a segment that has not been seen since May. Personally, I hate this movie, but feel that one completely insane scene has to be known. I do not recommend this movie by any stretch of the imagination! When Chinese cinema does ninjas badly, they really go for broke! I would also be remiss without mentioning Sonny Chiba's 'pivotal' role of two scenes that add nothing. In spite of this, he is featured on the cover seen below prominently and has top-billing. Enough stalling- check out the insane use of magic from...

Ninja Wars

The plot is too complicated to give in detail. What you need to know: the villains have kidnapped a princess and need her for a spell. Apparently, the thing needs the tears of a virgin. Wait- they have a plot device that also showed up in The Killer Tomatoes Eat France?!? When she learns this, she does the only logical thing: she cuts off her head via ninja magic (aka waving her arm in front of her throat). This causes no blood splatter. I mention this last part for a reason that will be clear later.

*

What do the villains do in reaction to this? Grab another woman and cut her head off! This causes a Lone Wolf and Cub-style blood fountain to come up! Holy crap! Acting quickly, they put the Princess' head on that body and use magic to attach it. That's thinking outside the box, guys! Unfortunately, the payoff to this scene is a love potion being used on a fat lady who should definitely not be topless on screen. You're paying my therapist bills, guys!

*

Up next, an in-depth look at the use of magic in a New Concorde barbarian series. Stay tuned...

Magical Moments: Dragonslayer/Deathstalker III

No P.O.S. computer issues can keep me from posting. Dammit.

*

Two different movies share one common trait amongst their varying plots, film quality and overall differences. Let's start off simple with a cult classic that has one dangling plot thread that strikes me...

Dragonslayer

To start off with, this is a good movie. As I said, there is just one thing that is a bit 'off'' about it. Shall I explain? I guess I should, yeah.

*

Early on in the movie, the great wizard and mentor to our hero dies in a freak accident. This forces the newcomer to have to battle the powerful dragon on his own. Good luck, kid. Now, here's the thing: he comes back.

*

Right when the big battle finally comes up, the wizard allows himself to come back to life. He explains that he could have done it at any point. So, why did you not help your student? Did you just not want to make the long trip to the cave? Really now!

Deathstalker III

See, now this movie I can make fun of freely. It sucks long, hard and often. Out of the four films in the series, only one is not on official DVD. Even Barbarian Queen II is on DVD. I'm just saying.

*

Early on in the movie, the forces of the evil wizard villain attack the camp where Deathstalker and the good wizard are. The good one, using his Wonder Woman-esque powers teleports away with a spin. Where does he go? Just wait.

*

Most of the movie goes by before we find out. Our hero goes to battle the villain and stumbles across the same stock footage bar scene that is in every Deathstalker movie. Seriously- check it out. Out of freaking nowhere, the wizard suddenly appears in the bad guy's castle. About four days have gone by in the story and he just shows up with no explanation. On top of that, he is immediately grabbed by guards and captured. What was the point?

*

This movie is just plain bad. It is funny to laugh at, but not nearly as much as Deathstalker and it is not nearly as humorous on its own as Deathstalker II. The new actor playing the role is not as good as any of the other ones, which is a really bad insult if you think about it. The worst part is the wizard who has no plans, logic or follow-through. He must have been the director too!

*

Let's talk a moment away from magic for a moment. Japan- I'm looking at you. Stay tuned...

Magical Moments: Supergirl

Everyone loves magic! Everyone loves movies! The combination of the two is a match made in Heaven. Unfortunately, it has often taken a guided tour through Hell. Confused? The first in my series of movies will show you the real danger...

Supergirl

Many of you are thinking 'this is a superhero film- putting magic in this movie would be stupid!' Yes, yes it would.

*

In the wake of Superman II's success, the Salkynds got a young woman, put her in tights and tried to siphon off money from their cash-cow franchise. This is an early example of what the internet calls 'an epic fail.'

*

On a neighboring planet of Krypton, peace is prevalent. When danger comes their way, they send a young woman from their planet to the save haven of Earth. Nah! I'm just kidding. She pretty much just leaves when a McGuffin crystal goes missing. I had you going for a moment though, didn't I?

*

The first kick in the pants that the movie gives us a random news headline about Superman being out in space for some stupid reason. Thanks, movie. I'm sorry, but your Superman is in another castle. Don't fret, people. I'm sure that this movie can give us something to make up for this, right? They give us...Faye Dunaway? Swing and a miss.

*

Our villain is an eccentric rich lady who also happens to be a witch. She tires of normal life...well, normal life for Faye Dunaway. Her life gains a purpose when she discovers the crystal of random-convenient powers. While our heroine wastes time in a prep school (heroically, mind you), our villain schemes to get it. When our plot finally makes Supergirl do something, the evil lady lashes out in the most horrific way...trucks.

*

The evil witch attacks our hero with magically-controlled construction equipment when she finally sticks her nose in the plot. What ancient druid spell allows you to do that again? If you think that is bad, check out her follow-up: super-fast tilt-a-whirl. Seriously? Are you really trying? I don't think you could kill Beppo, the Super Monkey. By the way, that is a real character.

*

The worst attempts at magic are actually much more subtle. A sub-plot involves Jimmy Olsen (the only hold-over from the Superman series) attempting to seduce Lois Lane's sister Lucy. First off, their parents must really love alliterations. Secondly, if you were really Superman's pal, you wouldn't even attempt to 'hit that.' I'd sick Iceman and the Smallville version of Parasite on you, if they weren't already played by you. Look it up, people.

*

This movie is bad- plain and simple. It is sort-of funny to laugh at, but only if you have a really, strong will. It is bad, dated and silly. There is no real redeeming factor, even with Peter O'Toole's glorified cameo. Unless you love crap like Howard the Duck, avoid this movie.

*

If you think that was a bad use of magic, wait until you see the world's two laziest wizards. Stay tuned...