SPOILER Reviews: The Black Water Vampire

After deciding not to SPOIL the Film in the original Review, I totally ruin that with this SECOND Review.

This is all SPOILERS, since this Ending bit needs to be examined in-depth!  You were triple-warned!

So this is another Film about Documentarians lost in the Woods.  Yadda yadda yadda.

Stay awesome, Bill.  You're the best part of this Film.

So now they get lost in the Woods, but keep going to...um, Film at the site the last Body was found.  Right...

As if the Title wasn't a SPOILER, the killer is a Vampire, which apparently has an arbitrary 10-year timeline built into its killings.  Why?  Who knows?

Oh and they end up in the Woods RIGHT ON THE SAME DAY that the killing 'must' take place.  This is an accident (it seems).

So here's the thing: my Disc would not play on the Computer after the first Hour (for Caps).  In lieu of that, let me just co-opt other Caps that work just as well.

After one of them dies (off-camera/existence), they find the people from earlier in the Woods.  They apparently work to feed the Vampire...for some reason.

Found Footage Film Cliché Unlocked.  Every freaking time!!!

The Cult takes the lone survivor and she gives birth to a Vampire Baby.  This apparently takes place a year later and they somehow let us see this Footage, because...um...The End. 

Alright, let me get the obvious stuff out of the way- the Film is alright.  It is really cliché, but at least picks up at the end.  It won't convince you to love the Sub-Genre or make you hate if you do.  With that out of the way, I will now ask the following questions...

- Why does anyone think that this guy killed people in 1972?  How old could he have been then?

- When did this group of people start to worship/support a Vampire?

- Did it make a pact with them?  Did it talk to them?

- Do the Vampires only live 10 years or what?

- Was the convicted guy just a Stalker that they pushed the whole thing on?

- Why is this Black Water Killings if they happened in a 25 MILE RADIUS of them?

- Did the other victims go near the Woods?  It is a good 2 day hike, so...how?

- Did they really go out on the exact same date as the killings BY ACCIDENT?

- How can this Vampire go out in the daytime?

- How long has it been there?

- Why does they keep stopping to stare at the creature as it stalks them?

- Why does it only ever do one move (hang upside down and attack)?

- How did it kill the guy in silence in broad daylight?

- Why did this Cult apparently release this footage revealing all of their actions?

- Why did they Film the Party a year later with NOTHING in-between?  Was it just off until then?

- Did nobody look for these people?

- How come all of the Editing (like inserts) was done by dead people?  Did they somehow Edit in real-time or something?!?

- Who Edited actual Police Footage into the 'Film?'  Did they sign off on this?

- Why is Bill Oberst Jr. only given ONE SCENE to work with?

Thanks- I feel better. The Black Water Vampire is alright, but just too 'stock' to impress.  So-so.

Quick Reviews: The Black Water Vampire

Alright, so I feel the need to diagram this Film properly, but that would involve SPOILERS.  If you want to see the Film though, stick with THIS Review.  SPOILER Version to come later.

This is a Found Footage Film.  Enjoy this cliché.  Ugh.

 This guy was convicted of a series of killings that took place over 40 years.  This lady thinks that he is innocent.  Time to do a Documentary!

This is Bill Oberst Jr.  He's great.

His one Scene is almost worth all of the Cliché stuff.  Love you, Bill!

They eventually get done Interviewing people in Town (see The Blair Witch Project), they go out into the Woods.  Please don't complain about losing the Map!

Oh good- they don't lose it.  They still get lost and bitch at each other though.

Will they find the true killer?  Will they survive?

Well, you have to know the answer to them, but no direct SPOILERS (here).

I will have SOOOO much more to say in the SPOILER Review.  This time, I'll just say that the Film is...very predictable.  No matter what the Subject- be it looking for a Witch, looking for Frankenstein's Monster or looking for...um...whatever they want in this Film- these things almost always feel the same.  This is almost the exact same formula as Blair Witch!  They go out to make a Documentary, wander around the Woods, get lost, bitch at each other, make confessionals into the camera and (let's be real) die.  That's not a SPOILER in a Found Footage Film, right?  Good.  I legitimately could not remember why I added this nothing-looking Film to my Queue some Months ago until Bill showed up.  'Oh right- I added everything with him in it.'  It was almost worth it.  He was great.  Sadly, his one Scene- just like in that Krampus Film- was not enough.  In defense of the Film, there is some pay-off to the whole thing.  I do have to point out one thing (also non-SPOILER): they go out just in time for the killings perpetuated by Bill to take place (every year on December 21st).  As far as I recall, they don't pick this date on purpose.  It just HAPPENS to be the exact date (compounded by their delays that make them arrive exactly on time and not a day early)!  If you hate Found Footage, this won't assuage you.  If you like Found Footage, this checks all the boxes.  Yes, even this one...

A really standard Found Footage Film with a decent Opening, a great Bill Oberst Jr. Scene and actual (silly) pay-off.  Other than that, nothing new.

Yuletide Cheapie: Krampus- The Christmas Devil (2013)

Before Hollywood got all about Krampus, Low-Budget Directors were on it.  

Here is one such Film...

Back in 1983 (good Year), a bad child is captured by Krampus...but escapes from the bag and runs home.

In the Present (of 2013), the kid is now a Detective.

More Kids are going missing and he's on the case!  

Somehow ONLY he is on this Case...

He goes looking for the creature and, unfortunately for him, it finds him!

Can he live to save the day?  

How long will the Film make me wait to see the main reason I rented this (see below)?

Who lives and who dies in this Christmas Tale?  

To find out, watch the Film.

More like Coal than a real Present.  While the last Krampus Film was basically just a Werewolf Film with a Christmas coat of paint on it.  Hell, it didn't even have Snow!  

Well, this one...has Snow in it.  

In all seriousness, the Plot has potential.  The problem: they don't have enough to reach 90 minutes properly.  

As such, they give us a Sub-Plot with an escaped Rapist who wants revenge (Oberst).  
On top of that, there is ALSO a Sub-Plot involving 3 Cops who don't like our Hero and blame him for the deaths of other Cops.  
Throw in pointless Scenes involving Santa and the fact that they show the Intro in parts a few times & you have a Film that is just not long enough.  They do have some good bits of tension, but they are hard to maintain with the uninspired Nu-Metal Soundtrack.  It still isn't the worst Soundtrack, of course. 

 All of the potential is, unfortunately, lost with the so-so Editing, Cinematography and Script.  Krampus sometimes looks pretty freaky, so at least they have that.  On the plus side, Bill Oberst Jr. was great- even if he had barely 10 minutes of real Screen Time.  Keep it up, Bill.  

Instead of mocking the Film's Low-Budget Gore, how about the fact that the clearly used the Actor who played the Police Captain's actual Headshot in the Film (especially notable since he has a Mustache in the Film!!!) ....

This sure could have been something really good.  Sadly, it is not.

New Flix: The Dooms Chapel Horror (2016)

What happens when a Sub-Genre I don't care for meets an Actor I like in a Plot that sounds interesting?  Let's see...

In some fairly-convincing Home Movies, we meet a nice young man who is nice and happy...before he's chopped up by a wheat thresher.

Thanks alot, Industrial Age!

In the Present, the younger Brother (who shot all of that) calls a Documentarian to cover his return home.

Gee, this always works out great!

The return brings up alot of bad memories, but he's determined to do it.

As for the Documentarian, he's determined to get a bad Film, since he came alone.  That means no Sound Guy, no Sound Equipment, no help with the Lighting...

His visit is marked by deaths, including those who were trying to beat him up the night before...

The key to this whole thing: a Cult Leader...played by Bill Oberst Jr.  He's definitely evil!

With our Hero's past coming back to haunt him (and kill the Town), will anyone survive?  To find out, watch the Film.

Considering how it started, I was expecting much worse.  Dooms Chapel has one big thing against it: the Found Footage aspect.  It doesn't add anything.  More often than not, it is ignored or downplayed.  For example, one Scene of our Hero and his Girlfriend having an argument is not enhanced by it being shot 'in secret' by the Documentary Filmmaker.  At other points, I'm not clearing who is even supposed to be shooting it.  I should also note that, yet again, there is no explanation for how this Footage was made available, let alone Edited.  Come on, people!  There is also the usual bits where they mix in outside Cameras- like Deer Cam or Security Cameras- that don't add a whole lot.  They also get a bit into the 'Oh, it just happened off-camera' stuff.  That said, the actual Story is kind of interesting and the Acting really saves the day.  If you can get past the silly conceit they attached here, there's a good Story and performances to see.  Bill Oberst Jr nails his role as the Backwoods Cult Leader/Preacher.  Considering how nice he seems to be in real life, it is amazing how well he does with this material.  The Dooms Chapel Horror is a far better Film than I expected...even if they do rip off that shot from Cannibal Holocaust...

Pretty good stuff if you can get past the pointless Found Footage aspect.  Natural Acting saves it.

Indie Flix: Zombieworld (2014)

This is what happens when you ask The Internet to make your Film.  Today's Film is Zombieworld, a compilation of Short Films compiled by the folks over at Dread Central.  They said 'Make a Zombie Short Film and we may use it.'  Alot of them clearly did, so we have this random, hodgepodge of a Movie.  The whole thing is loosely-held together by a bunch of Vignettes of a Newscaster.  Hey look- it's Bill Oberst Jr.  Let me be honest: I saw him in the Trailer and went 'I guess I have to see this one.'  That's just how my mind works.  Was it a good call?  To find out, read on...

Bill here plays a Newscaster in the Zombie Apocalypse who gets bitten, but insists on keeping 'you' informed on what is happening.  He's here to sometimes throw the Segments, even if it doesn't make any sense.

The *actual* open is a Cold one, with a First Person POV of a guy running from Zombies.  I won't SPOIL it all, but...well, Zombie Santa.

The first actual Segment thrown to is the best and most ridiculous one: Fist of Jesus!

Basically, Lazarus isn't revived properly, becomes a Zombie and makes a small Army for Jesus and Judas to fight.  Sacrilegious as hell (no pun intended), but also kind of awe-inspiring.

Probably the 2nd Best Segment is broken into 4 Parts throughout the Film and it tells you how to survive the Apocalypse.  Don't leave home without your bike seat.

A less-inspired one involves a man playing almost-House of the Dead until he gets sucked into the Screen.  Not terrible, but nothing too special.

A surprisingly-good bit involves a Mailman, this eerie girl and some Zombies.  That kid Actress is quite good, but the Story feels a bit out of place in this Set.

Naturally, there is a Found Footage bit.  It isn't bad- using CC TV Cameras- but the Style is more of a hinderance than a help.

Rounding out the set, the people behind Fist of Jesus bring us a crazy tale of a man with anger issues picking the same beach to relax on that some Aqua Zombies decide to attack.  It gets really crazy!

I didn't cover all of the Segments, but where is the fun in that?  The End.

Not bad, not great overall.  The problem with any Anthology Film is that it has to be a sum of its parts.  If you have 2 good Parts and 4 bad Parts, the latter tends to win.  Likewise, if you have 2 good Parts and 1 bad part, it gets a pass.  In this case, the Film had about 8 or 9 parts to it.  That tends to be a problem.  The bits with Jesus and the Aqua Zombies by the same duo are bizarre, crazy and gory fun.  They both go on too long, but some of you may love the excess.  Bill Oberst Jr's parts are fine.  They are nice and simple, with the man himself playing the slow transformation quite well (aided by good make-up too).  The bit with the creepy girl- Certified- is well-done and silly, but, again, feels out of place with the Zombie Apocalypse Theme to me.  How to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse is a nice bit and works well spaced out through the Film.  Other parts- like The Bride or the 2 different POV ones- are good in spurts, but nothing special.  There's an interesting mix here which will either work or not for you.  One Film has Jesus killing Zombie Romans with a Swordfish one minute and a bit with a mopey Bride the next.  If this is just a Demo Reel for these people, good.  If you want a strong Film overall though, not so good.  Kind of like this poorly-disguised loss of an arm in one Segment...

Next up, I review another Screener that promises to shock.  I've seen it all- right?  Stay tuned...

Horror Shorts: The Crossing (2012)

If you ever thought that my Reviews were too long, you're in luck.  Rather than reviewing Scary or Die, I decided to review one story- The Crossing.  Why?  Well, I wanted to see the film for two things: Bill Oberst Jr. and a story involving Zombie Clowns.  It happens that Oberst Jr. is in The Crossing, which also happens to be the first story.  That sure saved me a lot of time!  I will probably go back to Scary or Die in the future, but let's focus on this tale right now.  The story is about some Rednecks who don't exactly feel all that inclusive about America.  The way that they handle it is, well, not exactly politically-correct.  This is a Short that pulls no punches and shines because of it.  If it were full-length, I would grow to really hate one of the characters, so I like the format choice here.  This is not a Short for the faint of heart- I'm just warning you now.  To find out a little bit about this Scary or Die Short, read on...

The story is set in Arizona (although I'm 99% sure that it was filmed in California) and is set right near the Border Crossing Zone (hence the title).

Our main characters are (from left to right) Redneck Yokel, Girl Who Kind of Looks Like Megan Fox and Bill Oberst Jr.  They are driving towards the Border for reasons that only two of them know.

Once in the area, things turn really bad for anyone with an accent.  I won't SPOIL what happens, but I think this face sums it up quite well.

For a film with a silly set-up (Scary or Die is a website a la Funny or Die), they manged to produce at least one really good Short.  The Crossing is oddly-paced at times, but works for me overall.  The weird little aside at the Convenience Store where the younger Redneck does the bit from No Country For Old Men felt pretty silly and unnecessary.  I get that it leads to him killing the guy, but I'm not sure why that part was necessary.  With that said, the rest of it shines pretty well.  The Acting in general is quite good.  Obviously the stand-out performance is, yet again, Bill Oberst Jr. in a scary role.  The guy is apparently quite nice and gentile in real-life, but he can be a scary motherf@$%er on film!  Seriously, he looks like he will kill you without even flinching.  This guy is awesome and demands more mainstream work.  In the meantime, watch him in stuff like this and go 'I knew him before everyone else did.'  While not perfect, The Crossing is a solid, Horror Short that I recommend to those with an open mind and that aren't easily offended.  The only real flub: the part where a fly tries to suck up the stage blood.  Mmm...sugar.

Next up, a full review for my third Project Terrible film.  Will Maynard Curse me or will I just scoff at him?  Stay tuned...

Instant Asylum: Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies

Are you able to actually top the theatrical film?  Today's film is Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies, a film that should be absolutely awful on its own.  Well, it's not.  To answer the obvious question, I have not seen Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, nor have I read the book.  I got my friend the book a while ago.  How is it, Bob?  Anyhow, what I know about the film is that Bill Oberst Jr is in it.  Given his own thoughts on his other Asylum starring role, it's nice to see him get a role that seems to fit him.  The character of Lincoln is straight-laced, while the environment and plot are not.  Thankfully, they don't try to play this movie for laughs.  There are probably times when they are a bit too maudlin, but that's debatable.  The plot involves Lincoln going personally on a mission- you'll have to accept this fact- that turns out to be a zombie infestation.  What started it?  They don't say.  Can they end it?  Not addressed, either.  If you want a taste of this movie- tastes like Chicken- and whether or not you'll want to see it, read on...

In a cold open, young Mr. Lincoln has to kill his parents with a scythe.  Who hasn't been there, right?

I should mention that this scene has almost no bearing on the plot.  It was in the Trailer to the more-famous movie, so it's here!

In the present (of 1863), Lincoln hears about how a mission has gone awry.  When his top man is killed by a zombie, he goes instead.  Yeah, you really have to ignore how goofy that is.

Lincoln has not forgotten how to kill zombies since...that one time they showed him doing it.  He also carries his fold-up scythe at all times.

You know, it's useful now, but it must have been awkward for the last 30 years of NO ZOMBIE ATTACKS.  I'm just saying.

Abe goes to a fort alongside the Secret Service.  They were invented *because of* Lincoln's assassination, but why should I question a movie in which zombies are deaf?

They say that politics makes strange bed-fellows.  Well, the same can be said about Civil War-era zombie attacks.  Whether it's a famous Confederate General...

 ...some 'women of ill repute' and even...

A young man would later become President.  SPOILER ALERT: He doesn't die here.

With lots of time and zombies to kill, Abe doesn't skimp on the action.  Kill those zombies, Rapist Priest!

 Even if he saves the day, what is it that dooms Lincoln to his historical fate?  To find out...watch the movie.  The End.

In spite of everything, I liked this movie.  Yeah, I said it.  It's not good in the classical sense, but it is a lot of fun.  To the film's credit, they don't go campy.  It certainly would have been easy, after all.  Lincoln cuts zombies to pieces and makes a joke about severing the Union.  Don't get me wrong- they still work in the jokes, but make them a little more subtle.  The thing that makes this movie work is Bill Oberst Jr.  It may sound like I'm kissing his ass, but he actually does a great job here.  He plays the film 100% serious and it works because of that.  He never lets on that he's making jokes or in a film with a goofy premise.  Say what you will about Asylum films- I certainly do- but they managed to make a fun one here.  My only real complaint is all of the CG blood.  I get it- it's cheap and easy to just add in post-production.  Just do one movie with squibs and fake blood- just for me!  The film is, as I said, is silly and fun.  Check it out while it's Streaming on Netflix.  Would you rather watch Alien Origin?  I didn't think so.  In closing, a quick lesson on what is fake and what is real...

Next up, the first in a five-film set of Alien films.  First up, an alien wants to be free and some military guys say 'nah!'  Stay tuned...