Forgotten Sequels: Species IV- The Awakening

This one has been a long time coming.  Today's film is Species IV: The Awakening.  Let me get the first thing out of the way- yes, there is a Species IV.  Yes, it is also weird that Species IV shares the same sub-title as The Omen IV (yeah, that piece of shit).  In case you missed the previous films, here's what you need to know.  There are lady aliens that seek one thing: to mate!  After two films, the original alien (and her clone) were dead...for reals yo.  They roped Natasha Henstridge into one more appearance in the intro to bride the series into Part 3.  It's been about 30 months since the last review, so feel free to see that review to know what happened.  Good?  Now forget all of that because it doesn't matter in the least!  Yeah, it's true.  So is this a Reboot or a Sequel?  That's a good question.  The story involves Ben 'I should really be able to do better' Cross as a Scientist harboring some sort of experiment that is going unstable.  They go to Mexico, the land of cheap hookers, cheap abortions and Cast Members from Enterprise.  To find out how this all gets super-silly, read on...

Ben Cross is some sort of Scientist who is the 'Uncle' of this blond genius girl.  What could go wrong?

To be fair, who hasn't woken up naked in a field?  Show of hands.

Oh, just me then.  Moving on...

Now in the Hospital, the girl transforms into the alien monster and kills the Staff.  You'll see more of this in a future Poor Bastards of Cinema update.

On the way to Mexico, Cross stops to explain to the girl that she's not really his Niece.  She's actually a human-alien hybrid that him and a fellow Scientist made.

She takes it about as well as you might think.

In the village (not to be confused with the shitty movie of the same name), he runs across this alien-The Devil Inside hybrid.

In all seriousness, it is never explained why the lady dresses up as a Nun (and why nobody suspects a thing).  It just...happens.

His comrade- Enterprise's Dominic Keating (and villain in Sherlock Holmes)- has been making a whole bunch of alien-human hybrids all 'willy-nilly.'  He's the guy who you can trust.

His idea: kidnap a lady for her stem cells.  Naturally.

The transfusion...or something works and our heroine's DNA is stabilized.  She's also much more alien than she was before, leading to her suddenly acting like, well, a whore.

This is just part of the bi-polar nature of the film.  Scary, sad, scary, weird, super sad, erotic, scary, etc.

The whole film builds up to the one other alien-human lady being all 'evil' and trying to kill Cross.  As weird as this is, Species IV is now the SECOND film I've seen with Ben Cross fighting a monster in a Church!

What are the odds?!?

The climax involves our heroine turning into her alien form and fighting the lady in her alien form.  I love that they used suits and practical effects, but they lighted it for shit!

Ultimately both alien-human hotties die and Cross leaves, seemingly-putting an end to this whole thing.  So much for that Reboot, I guess.  The End.

This was not worth the wait.  The film has some good points, but not that many.  I like that the aliens were still suits and not CG sprites (for the most part).  It's a nice little touch for people like me.  Other than that, the film drags and drags.  They give you the early 'alien attacks the Hospital Staff' bit since that's all you get for a while!  The whole thing feels like a weird, tangential story too.  They aren't the aliens, nor are they the off-spring of the original alien (or her clone).  Instead, this is about alien-human hybrids made by people that have nothing to do with the original three films.  Could you imagine if there was a Howling film about someone making Werewolves in a lab?  It wouldn't be *completely* against the concept, but it wouldn't feel right either.  It would be like setting a Jason Voorhees film in space.  Um...I mean, it would be like setting a Hellraiser film in space.  Hold on...it would be like setting a Leprechaun film in...oh right- I own that movie.  What was I saying?  Oh yeah, Species IV.  It's got cheesy CG effects, a fairly-random plot and it doesn't really 'pop' until the Climax.  It's...what you expect from a DTV Sequel/Reboot.  Take us away, Ben Cross breaking the one rule of explosions...

Next up, I cover my third Project Terrible film.  With Uwe Boll behind it, this Zombie opus has...well, nothing going for it.  Stay tuned...

Rare Flix: The Unholy

Unholy Guacamole!  Today's film is The Unholy, another obscure film on the generically-titled Horror Collection.  The set has been a real mixed bag in total.  You've got good films (Waxwork and...well, just that one), funny films (976 Evil 2, Chopping Mall, Class of 1999) and stupid-ass shit (C.H.U.D. II, Ghoulies III).  Slaughter High was...well, I'm still torn on that one.  So what will this one turn out to be like?  Well, it's somewhere in-between all of them.  It's not intentionally-ridiculous like Mall, it's not ineptly-bad like C.H.U.D. and it's not a confusing mix of Horror and Comedy like High.  It's the tale of a Priest seemingly-chosen to battle some sort of evil, whether he wants to or not.  It stars Ben Cross, who's Career has gone on such a downward streak in the 25 years since this movie that he's starred in such films as Stonehenge Apocalypse and *sigh* The Asylum's Jack the Giant Killer.  I know- I'm sorry for him too.  The film also features Hal Holbrook and Ned Beatty, not that either has much to do here.  To find out if this is a hidden gem or something your cat buried, read on...

A Priest is the last one in the Church one night (aren't they always) when a weird-looking statue turn into this lady from a Whitesnake video.  That or she's a Bellarian from Space Mutiny.

He gets killed by a scratch, which apparently makes the front of his throat come off.  This is all nice and gory, but seems a bit silly.

Somewhere out there, Adam Green is pleased...and probably masturbating.

Our hero- Cross- is approached by weird people and threatening graffiti.  Things can't get any worse though.

Oddly, the film suddenly jumps ahead THREE YEARS at this point.  So, nothing happened in that time?

After that, our Father gets called in to talk down a 'Jumper.'  The man pulls him out the window and he falls to his...lack of any injuries at all.   Weird.  That's enough for this blind Priest (not Roy Scheider) to give him a Parish, since he's been chosen...or something.

Is it worth mentioning that the Parish is the one that the guy from the beginning was killed in?  Maybe.  Was it probably obvious to you without me saying so?  Maybe.

He ends up getting involved with a girl from this Satanic-looking Nightclub.  She was the last person to talk to the last Priest.  As a bonus, her sort-of evil Boss is apparently haunted by the same evil spirits at work in the area.

Yeah, about that.  These same Spirits killed a Priest (mentioned later), killed another one (the one from the beginning), threatened Cross and then DID nothing for 3 Years.  I just wanted to reiterate that.

A bunch of crazy shit happens in the middle portion of the film- including a dog being sacrificed (Poor Bastard of Cinema induction coming), some guy vomiting blood and a random lady with fake boobs appearing for no reason.  This is the simplest way to convey all of that.

It all builds up to Cross facing off with the mysterious woman/demon after a pep talk from the blind priest and Holbrook.  Who will win?

Let's just say that 'a giant pit to Hell opens up and a creature falls in.'  That's an expression, right?

Oh and Cross goes blind at the sight of the Demon.  The End.

This is a strange one.  The crazy shit is fun and ridiculous.  Since it was made in 1988, it has no CG Effects and is all practical.  I love that.  Not only that, but they make good use of them.  I like the monster work for films like Xtro II (even though the film sucks) and Razorback, for example(s).  In contrast to those films, this movie's creatures move on-camera pretty well.  Here's the problem: there's not nearly enough of that.  The rest of the film is oddly-paced and kind of dry.  It's a lot of build-up, but it's not very interesting.  Cross does a good job, as do the rest of the Cast.  I wish that Actors like Holbrook had more to do other than stand around delivering exposition though.  In the End, The Unholy is a film worth checking out if you like 1980's Horror Films and their ilk.  It can be very dry at times though, so just bear that in mind.  Hey look- pointless T&A...

Next up, the final 'Chapter' in the Prom Night Series.  Will it end with a bang or a bore?  Stay tuned...

Lock Me Up!: Jack the Giant Killer

It's actually sillier than the 1960's version!  Today's film is Jack the Giant Killer, not to be confused with the aforementioned film or Bryan Singer's big-budget disappointment.  I actually just watched that one the other day and it's not bad.  That said, I have a rant planned for films like it and another recent big-budget bomb.  In the meantime, let's look at this small-budget crap-fest.  The film is loosely-based on the famous Fairy Tale.  It is mostly a bizarre exercise in mixing Genres and Timelines.  While Singer's film is set about the time that it should be, this one appears to be set sometime in the 1920's.  I don't know why this is a big deal, but they felt like it would be.  If you want an Asylum film to compare it to, it would be Sherlock Holmes.  That had a similar time-period setting, shitty CG that looked out of place and a silly plot.  This plot is alternately less and more silly.  The story still involves a beanstalk and some giants- only they're not what you'd expect.  Likewise, they are not what the DVD Box Art/Menu would have you think either.  This is the kind of shit that sits in your Queue for a long time, always making you wonder whether you should just 'bite the bullet' and watch it.  To help you make that decision, read on...

The film begins with a person in a sort-of Mech Suit being swallowed whole by some sort of giant Rhino/Elephant thing.

As it turns out, this is from the Climax of the film.  Why it's also here is...anyone's guess.

As it turns out, the actual beginning to the story is pretty dull, which I guess explains the trick opening.

This weird guy shows up at Jack's house and wants to give him 'a package.'  The parents get protective, which confuses Jack.

Eventually, he rides off on his prop bike and opens the package.  It contains...magic beans, I guess.  I know that's what they were supposed to be, but they look like something else...

In Singer's Jack, they staged a whole set-piece around the Beanstalk growing and taking the house up to the magical world.  Here- it just appears the next morning, completely intact.

No, really.

While everyone gawks at the thing, Jack gets grabbed by a vine- turning into a cheap CG model- and taken up to the magical land.  It's...basically the same as the land he was on before.  That's amazingly-cheap.

Hey look- a flying Castle!  Why is it here?  Well, it's the most interesting visual of the film, so I guess I shouldn't complain.

I won't SPOIL the whole film for you, so let me touch upon a couple of points.  Ben Cross is here, looking more disappointed to be here than he was in Stonehenge Apocalypse.

The villain here is this lady, who controls the creatures for her own purposes.  However, since the budget is so small that they can't show her actually riding them.  Seriously, this is the best they can do.

Oh and this Doctor Who-looking guy is the real lead.  He does more than Jack ever does, really.

To find out how this silly mess ends, watch the movie.  The End.

Everything about this feels cheap and silly.  Seriously, this movie is just kind of dumb.  It's a somewhat-unique take on the story, but not really a good one.  Jack doesn't do a whole lot, the science is silly and the whole thing just looks odd.  Why is the film set in/around the 1920s?  Does it really help things for them to have wind-up radios?  Would them having cell phones ruin the story?  I'll guess we will never know.  If you want to update the story, fine.  If you don't want to make it modern, that's fine too.  Meeting awkwardly in the middle like this is just not good.  I like one movie that pointlessly set itself in this era- The Abominable Dr. Phibes.  You, sir, are no Dr. Phibes.  The effects are silly, the plot is not that interesting and the whole thing just seems super-cheap.  I won't fault someone for making a low-budget film- don't get me wrong.  I will, however, fault you for trying to make a movie that you can't possibly afford.  Seriously, you can't even fake footage of a guy riding a motorcyle...

Next up, my final Project Terrible film.  Will this Demon be Lamberto Bava-style or just plain evil.  Stay tuned...