Moon Over Miami: Josh Kirby...Time Warrior- Last Battle for the Universe

At last, the 42-month journey is at an end.  Today's Film is Josh Kirby...Time Warrior: Last Battle for the Universe, the final Film in the Series.  Is this a happy day or a sad day?  This attempt by Full Moon to make a Serial Film Series for kids turned out...interesting.  I'm being polite, sorry.  Let's cover this one right, shall we?  Josh Kirby was a normal kid until he got dragged into a 25th Century conflict.  The quest: find the pieces of the (not Ultimate) Nullifier before Dr. Zoetrope (yes, really) finds them.  Joined by a lady Warrior and a puppet named Prism, the pair have gone to worlds with Knights on Dinosaurs, giant alien overlords, animated toys and Mushroom People.  It is less interesting than it sounds.  In the last Episode, we got a big (and inexplicable) twist: his Mentor is evil!  We've got like 100 minutes to get through, so let's take one final trip...

Josh is confused when his Mentor (Irwin 1138) is suddenly acting evil and takes the Nullifier pieces after threatening them and subsequently stranding them.

Thanks to his never-before-mentioned power to read the past through Zoetrope's mind (apparently!), he learns that Irwin works for the bad guy running the World and that the Nullifier would destroy his ultimate weapon.

Using Josh's vague time powers, they leap forward...to 1984.  Swing and a miss.

Oh look- dead Mom.  How sad.

When they try to use a make-shift Time Machine, they end up shrunk.  Why?  Don't ask.

They make a new Machine, but there is a catch: only Josh can go.  It takes all but one of the Devices that keeps them safe while time-traveling, so Zoetrope and the girl end up being erased.  Ouch.

Josh shows up in make-shift armor (a thimble and the screen from a door) and manages to beat Irwin in Zoetrope's old armor by....aging it up.  Sure- why not?!?

He just gives up immediately then and Zoetrope (in the proper timing) shows up and saves the day.

Back home, Charisma Carpenter shows up to remind us that Charisma Carpenter was in this Film...

...and a different version of the lady warrior shows up (wearing a Prism) and befriends him.  The End.

About the quality I've come to expect by now.  This one isn't terrible.  To be honest, none of them really are.  At worst, they are just kind of bad and/or disappointing.  These Films have never really achieved their potential.  You have a Plot involving Time and Space Travel and what do you do with it?  Rip off the plot of Wizards, Babes in Toyland and a Doctor Who Storyline.  A clean, fresh palette and...that's it?  Oh well.  Regardless, there are neat ideas in this whole Series, but they just never quite go anywhere.  The Twist thrown into the final Film/Segment is just an odd one.  I guess it isn't really cheating, but it is damn close.  You just didn't tell us everything.  I won't say that it ruins everything either, but it just so close to being a cheat that it doesn't help matters.  It is like they had nowhere to go and just came up with this on the fly.  Mind you, alot of this Series seems to be made up on the fly, whether it is how Josh's powers work or how Zoetrope works.  It was nice of them to attempt to add some drama for the final Chapter though.  As a whole, it is a fitting conclusion to the Story.  It is kind of random, abrupt and unclear.  Way to be consistent.  As a the Series ends, enjoy this random look they give you at their glorious Effects...

Next up, I decide to pick on Steven Seagal again.  At this point, I've seen more of his Films than...well, anyone right?  Stay tuned...

Moon Over Miami: Josh Kirby, Time Warrior- Journey to the Magic Cavern

It seems to take me longer to get around to these, doesn't it?  After the last 4 Films, can you blame me?  I didn't think so.  So let's talk about Josh Kirby, Time Warrior and his latest adventure called (The) Journey to the Magic Cavern.  It...is not a direct rip-off of another Film, so that's one point for it.  It is still inherently a rip-off of the Doctor Who tale 'The Keys of Time' though.  I still won't let that go, no.  We are now five 'Episodes' into this and we are building up to the Main Event.  In this one, Josh and company meet some Mushroom People- of the Matango family?-, battle a villain and set up for the final 'Episode.'  I'll give them credit for introducing a Plot Twist, even if it seems to make no sense to me.  With all of the recap out of the way, let's go spelunking...

The Mushroom people seem to worship Josh and company's terrible puppet...I mean, companion.  However, the bad news is that the Nullifier pieces disappeared when they landed on this new world.

They want to go looking for them, but the King (and his only semi-convincing make-up- says 'No.'

That little bit of Drama buys them about five minutes.  Other Mushroom Men agree to let them go, bringing the puppet along to sense the pieces for them.

So they Journey through the Magic Cavern looking for the pieces, but also looking for a missing Mushroom Man who can cure their female companion- who took a bite out of him and is now poisoned.

There's a minor conflict about what their priority should be, but...it amounts to very little for now.

They find a Cave which is where many Mushroom Men have gone missing.  There can't be anything to it, can there?

They best the beast by discovering its remote control-using owner.  As for their lady companion, they arrive too late.  They needed more time.

Josh summons his power up- which he has now, remember?- to somehow reverse time five minutes just around her, allowing the cure to work.  Have fun with that, Scientists!

Shockingly, the guy who captured and brainwashed the Mushroom People for his Circus is not as trustworthy as they thought.

They stop him, although the People decide that they still want to see the Universe- just of their own free will.

In the aftermath, Josh literally stumbles upon the final Nullifier piece, only to fall and have to be saved by...the villain?

He claims that the Doctor Who-knock off is actually the Villain.  Before Josh can get any proof, the Villain is shot by 'the Doctor.'  Is he really evil?!?

According to the Teaser for the next 'Episode,' the answer is 'yes.'  That...seems to come out of nowhere, right?  Weird.  The End (for now).

Not their best, but also not their worst.  The Film does a slow build-up to the finale, which is certainly less than I expected.  You have one 'Episode' left to sell me on your big Finale, so you spend 80% of it dicking around in a Cave?  I know that alot will happen in the actual Finale (since they showed me most of it in the Teaser!), but this still feels like a missed opportunity.  The most they do is vaguely-set-up the good Doctor as being evil.  This makes the Ending feel quite out of nowhere!  I don't recall anything in the previous Episodes even hinting at this Plot Twist.  When Josh questions the 'Villain' on always trying to kill them, he says that he just saved him now.  Yes, but...that doesn't answer the question now, does it?  That's all he says at first, so...what?  He offers to let Josh use a never-before-mentioned power to prove his claim, but that is stopped.  As for the rest of the Story, I liked that I couldn't specifically point to one or two things that they were copying here, although I'm sure that there is some of that here (given their record).  The make-up work for the Mushroom People is mostly pretty good, although some of it is better than ever.  The new villain is over-the-top fun, but comes too late and doesn't do enough.  What a waste.  He's the Sci-Fi equivalent of Wild Wild West's (the movie) Dr. Loveless.  The worst thing I can say is that this one does very little to stand out.  The aliens are fun, but the Story just kind of meanders until a sudden J-Turn of an Ending.  One more to go, sadly-underused-Villain...

Next up, I celebrate Cyber Monday with a Horror Film with an Internet twist.  Can the return of a Japanese Horror Favorite succeed?  Stay tuned...

Moon Over Miami: Josh Kirby...Time Warrior- Eggs From 70 Million B.C.

This Story about Time Travel is taking a long time to tell!  It is no secret- I have not been in a hurry to cover this Series.  In the old days (of 2011), I probably would have powered through them all in a week- a month, tops.  Now- I'm in no rush.  All kidding aside, this is an interesting Film Experiment, if nothing else.  A Six-Chapter tale about some people I don't know saving the Universe is not something Full Moon has done often (if ever again).  They are no strangers to Sequels (of which I've reviewed about 603), but not one continuous narrative.  For example, if you watch Killjoy and Killjoy 3, but miss Killjoy 2, you'll be fine.  In other cases (like the Demonic Toys series), it is even more confusing than that.  You get two films, but with two possibly-not-Canon films (Dollman vs. Demonic Toys and Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys) stuck in-between them.  The closest thing would either be the Trancers or Subspecies series', but those either had shifting continuity (Trancers 2-6) or took odd leaps (Vampire Journals being before Subspecies III, for one) throughout.  If you're new, Josh Kirby...Time Warrior tells the tale of Not Dr. Who trying to collect the five pieces of a Deus Ex Machina that Not The Master wants, with Josh and Not Leela along for the ride.  As I noted in at least one previous Chapter Review, this Story is quite similar to The Key to Time, a story that ran on Doctor Who in 1978 with Tom Baker.  In fact, the first Chapter of that Story also takes place in a Medieval Time!  In this Chapter. Josh is learning how to use his new powers, but the gang runs into a snag, dragging them into a surprisingly-personal War on an alien planet.  To see how I power through this second half, read on...

The trio (and that stupid alien doll thing) are being chased by the evil Not The Master guy.  They manage to get him hit by...a Time Train (or something) and he appears to be dead.  However...

They discover Eggs on their ship.  They quickly hatch into these....arguably-cute worm things that clearly have no downside to them whatsoever.

As it turns out, they eat metal and cause the time-ship to crash.  They end up on an alien World.

Said World is the home planet of Not Leela!  What a twist!

The Leader is kind of a dick, which is somewhat understandable given the long, drawn-out occupation/conquering of his planet.  Even so, he reminds me alot of former-Raw GM Brad Maddox.

Incidentally, this Actor was in a film you saw- he played 'Annoyed Guard' in Iron Man 3.  Yeah, that guy.

In a filler Sub-Plot that is mostly for Part 5, Not The Master is thought dead, but recovers on some alien-looking world.  Thanks for that.

The residents lock our heroes up, so they don't get in the way.  The fact that the metal-eating worms on there because of them is a good reason too.

Fortunately, Josh is able to escape with Not The Doctor by using his new powers to...age the bars into easily-broken rust.  Time Warrior!

Not Leela has to fight for Josh and Not The Doctor's lives and wins.  The Leader gets depressed, but stands back up...so that Josh can save the day.  Oops.

In a bit you'd see about three years later in Galaxy Quest, the villain escapes his exploding ship to get his one last hurrah.

In a bit unique to this film, Josh Kirby de-ages the guy to a baby.  Time Warrior!

Through random chance involving the Deus Ex Machina sends our heroes to a new world (since their ship is trashed) that is full of...these things.

A movie about Mushroom People?  Been there, done that.  The End (for now).

Four Films in and I'm still not really that invested.  The overall Story here is something that could be interesting.  Time Travel, Space Travel and the fate of the Universe- that's classic stuff.  The problem is that this whole Series never feels all that inspired.  Well, that's not completely true- it does feel inspired by other Stories.  Part 2, for example, seemed very inspired by Wizards (with giant children using people as toys), while Part 3 took many 'notes' from Babes in Toyland.  There's no problem with being inspired by other Stories, but you have to add something of note.  Part 1 at least had the idea to mix Dinosaurs with a cliche Evil Prince taking over the Land.  This time, it is so just so freaking stock!  It is nice to finally give Not Leela some real back-story at least.  I didn't care, but good for trying.  As a Josh Kirby Chapter, it is decent enough.  As a normal film, it is just kind of 'Meh.'  On the plus side, the villain reminded me of another WWE Star- Adam Rose...

Switching gears yet again, let me cover the first of two Norwegian Horror Film Sequels.  When in doubt, copy a famous Horror Film Sequel from America.  Stay tuned...

Moon Over Miami: Josh Kirby...Time Warrior: Trapped on Toyworld

As you can see, I am in no rush to wrap up this series.  Today's film is the next Chapter in the Josh Kirby...Time Warrior series: Trapped on Toyworld.  For those who havent kept up (or cared to), here's what you need to know.  Some time in the future, people made a device called the (not Ultimate) Nullifier, which would allow them to control/shape reality.  Quick question: why?  Seriously, like Heaven Guns, I have to ask why this was a thing.  Anyhow, a battle for control of it takes place between a man I'll call Not Doctor Who and The Films' Only Black Character (who has a silly name).  The battle rages onto Josh's front yard and he gets sucked into it.  In the first film, he helps a rebellion involving Knights, peasants and two Dinosaurs.  That led into an adventure based blatantly on the film Wizards.  They managed to escape the world of giant children, but the villain causes their ship to haywire and Josh falls out!  This is the half-way point in the six-part series, so let's see if they can make something happen. To find out, read on...

Josh falls out of the ship and through an incandescent version of the Sliders portal.  He lands in the Woods (perhaps the same ones he was in for Quest of the Delta Knights).

Time Tunnels are so weird that they make Josh's sleeve grow back!  Science!

Josh is now on Toyworld, a place that is self-explanatory.  It is also a bit creepier than they intended for this 'cute' world to be.  Right, Legally-Distinct-From-Raggedy-Anne?

She takes him to Toy World, which you will note is listed as two words...but not in the title.  Yeah, I'm OCD like that.

More importantly, it has what is supposed to be a talking egg in a bowl...but looks like a dildo.  For kids!

The villain- Professor Zoetrope, in case you care- arrives looking for the next piece of the Nullifier.  His weapons don't work, however, thanks to Geppetto, the Ruler of the land.

Of note, Geppetto is played by the same man who was the lead in Please, Don't Eat My Mother, which was 80% porn.  Things change in 20 years, I guess.

Not Doctor Who does pretty much nothing for this story.  The ship is damaged by Not Nukie (don't ask) and he spends 99% of the Run Time bitching about it on the Ship.  Thanks for nothing, Not Time Lord.

Here's some fresh Nightmare Fuel for you.  Enjoy.

So Josh is confronted by a hologram of Dr. Zoetrope, who tells him that he is a Time Warrior.  Really?  It's only in the Title!

Oh and he doesn't do anything else to actually stop Josh at this point.  What a sporting villain!

He finally makes a big play to get the item he wants and to take out Josh.  He uses his newly-discovered powers to...call on a radio for help.  It probably sounded better in the Script.

Gepetto saves the day by arriving just in time with...a bunch of pies. Yeah, they save the day with a pie fight.  Thanks, Pennywise!

The trio escape with the Nullifier Piece, but their ship is attacked again.

The film ends with a cliffhanger of them about to be hit by...a train...in a time tunnel...projected on their cheap TV/VHS Player?  Alright.  The End (for now).

Was it worth the wait?  I guess.  Honestly, let me put this into perspective.  Josh Kirby...Time Warrior is a Made-for-VHS/DVD Film Serial aimed at a young audience.  So, to put it simply: I am not the Demographic.  You could argue that I was the Demographic when it was released in 1995, I guess.  With that in mind, let me begin to tear the thing apart!  It is goofy, it is inept and it is really not that good.  The whole idea of a kid thrown into a bunch of crazy worlds/times is good.  What they do with it is just kind of alright.  Toyworld- really?  That's the best you could do?  Never mind that you went from them being treated as Toys in the last 'Episode' and now Josh is teamed up with actual Toys.  You had literally all of theoretical Time and Space to work with and you just ripped off Babes in Toyland.  Wow.  Full Moon, you can do...okay, I can't really finish that sentence.  You guys just made Gingerdead Man vs. Evil Bong last year, so I know that you can't really do better.  In the End, I do still want to see how this whole thing works out, but I'm not exactly in a rush.  I'll leave you with the many faces of Buck Kartalan on Mondo Bizarro.

Next up, what happens when a rare OOP film becomes more available?  The answer- I review it!  Stay tuned...

Moon Over Miami: Josh Kirby...Time Warrior!- The Human Pets

Seriously, this was not worth the wait.  To be fair, I didn't intend to wait so long between reviewing Part 1 and 2 of the Josh Kirby...Time Warrior! story.  The biggest problem: Short Wait.  In my experience, that is a really, really misleading statement when it comes to a certain movie rental service.  I've had films on Short Wait- like The Curse/Curse 2, Pterodactyl Woman from Beverly Hills and Storm of the Dead- in my Queue for over a year!  Define 'short' for me again.  Regardless, I got Part 2- on a delayed arrival, mind you- and now I'm here to review it.  The premise: Josh Kirby gets stuck with Doctor Who trying to find the Keys of Time.  They don't call him Doctor Who or the objects the Keys of Time, but they pretty much are.  This Direct-to-Video Serial is a pretty blatant knock-off of the premise, but does do some unique things.  It takes on a premise a la shows like Sliders where he ends up in different times, each with some unique wrinkle.  In the first film, it was a Medieaval time, only with Dinosaurs.  This time, it's Wizards.  It's not *exactly* the same, but it's close enough.  The film is also notable for continuing from the cliffhanger at the end of Part 1.  Rather than giving you a proper ending, the first film just kind of stopped with almost nothing resolved.  Does this film do a better job or just tease you again?  To find out, read on...

To recap, Kirby and company end up in a world ruled by this Prince John analog and his Dragon (read: Dinosaur).  He's ready to kill the Leela analog for refusing to marry him.

Kirby lets the hero of the story battle his brother on a Dinosaur of his own.  He has a T-Rex, so I don't see how you win.  Dig that claymation.

Naturally, our heroes win, making this random gaggle of characters happy.

Before they can leave, they're attacked by the villain.  He zaps their time-travel device and they end up...

In a world run by freaky giants.  They get put in the 'kid's' room and meet up with some other characters.

It feels a lot like the classic Twilight Zone Episode 'Five Characters in Search of An Exit'- hard to imagine another rip-off in this one.

 Can Kirby and company get the disparate people- including a Viking, Cowboy and a German WWII Pilot- to work together to escape their captiviity?

Come to think of it, it's a bit like Attack of the Puppet People too.  The list grows...

In a random flashback (for no good reason), Kirby tells the warrior girl about how this girl in School wouldn't talk to him.  That girl- Charisma Carpenter.

The reason for this: the girl is an alien and doesn't feel like she fits in.  No, really.

The group does indeed work together and manages to get to their respective vehicles.  Naturally, the WWII Airplane still works- even after being sucked through time- and the excess characters go their own way.

Unfortunately, the bad guy did some sort of trick to the group's mascot- whose name I won't bother to remember- and makes it help him.  Our heroes get lost in the sort-of Time Tunnel and Kirby falls out.

The 'On the Next Episode' Teaser shows him in a Babes in Toyland knock-off.  I'm sure looking forward to that.  What do you think, Human Chapstick?  The End.

Wow, this is kind of lame.  The story is...well, it's not bad if you don't know what they're ripping off.  Given the age group that it's aiming for- hint: it's not an adult-, that's not bad.  The problems are many if you're not as forgiving.  The acting- nothing special.  The effects- pretty silly.  The story- nothing special.  Even excluding the unoriginal ideas, there's not a lot of tension.  It's basically 'Will they beat the bad guy,' 'Will they work together' and 'Will they escape.'  If you don't know the answer to any of these, then you have problems!  There's a bit of humor, but it's pretty lacking.  They do put some decent amount of work into the alien make-up and overall look.  That said, I don't really see them as villains.  The story needed some sort of antagonistic element, especially given that the series' villain is pretty much non-existent for 80% of the film.  Instead, the group just has a marginally-difficult escape to make, which they do pretty easily.  As a substitute Doctor Who, our hero is pretty dull.  Kirby gets a little more character here- as he tries to learn to fight-, but there's still a lot more work to do.  This is a pretty dull link in the story, but I'm going to give it at least one more try.  Oh and remember, there can be only one!

Next up, a film about a Highlander escaping a jail run by Stuart Gordon.  If Jeffrey Combs somehow shows up as the Warden, I'm sold!  Stay tuned...