VHS For The Win: Emmanuelle- Black and White

Joe D'amato's name is all over a ton of VHS releases from the '80s.  This is one of them...

I love how they want to imply interracial lesbian action, but can't actually show it...and have the movie not sold in the 'Special Section.'  Too subtle, film!

Next up, you know all of that talk about Captain America being 'The First Avenger?'  Well, I have VHS proof that it's not true!  Stay tuned...

Poor Bastards of Cinema: Horrible

A Video Nasty is going to be full of crazy death involving innocents.  In Horrible (aka 18 other titles), George Eastman is an immortal and invulnerable killer who goes off on a spree.  On his path, this random Janitor...

The man actually puts up a good fight, putting some bullets into Eastman.  He gets the business end of a saw for his troubles though!

So what is the point of killing this guy?  He doesn't offend anyone- simply doing his job in peace.  I do have to wonder why he's packing heat though!

Next up, a factory worker is killed off in an 'ironic' way.  Why so angry, Chucky?  Stay tuned...

Video Nasties: Horrible (aka 18 Other Titles I Won't List Here)

Well, Maynard, I took the bait!  In the last Project Terrible (Version 2.5 with me and Maynard Morrisey- of the titular Horror Diary), I gave him Horrible, a Joe D'Amato film that is a rip-off of Halloween.  He loved the movie, choosing to review the film that preceded it as well.  After his endorsement, I was curious and rented the movie from the-soon-to-be-renamed-Netflix.  How did I feel?  Well, before I answer that, let me give you a little back-story.  In 1980, D'Amato made Anthropophagous (aka Anthropophagous: The Beast, The Grim Reaper, Man Eater, The Savage Island and Zombie 7: The Grim Reaper).  The film was about a giant killer ('George Eastman') who kills some tourists on a Greek island and eats them.  A year later, this film was made.  It is known as Rosso Sangue (aka Horrible, Absurd, Anthropophagous 2, The Grim Reaper 2 and Zombie 6: Monster Hunter).  That's not a typo- the sequel is listed in some areas as coming before it.  Think that modern film titles can be confusing- that is nothing!  Will this film overcome the title confusion and actually win me over?  Will I stop stalling and get to it?  Yes, yes I will...

The DVD is nice enough to warn you that, in order to get a complete film, they compiled the film from two sources- an HD one and a VHS version.  Will it be apparent?

Either I just got a case of Sudden Cataracts Syndrome or this is a VHS print.  I sure hope that it's not like this for..

...and now we're back to HD.  How did this 20 seconds of footage only end up on VHS exactly?

Oh right- the plot.  Essentially, Eastman's killer arrives in...um, America, I guess and has a priest in pursuit of him (Edmund Purdom).  If you think that he's a lot like Dr. Loomis, you'd be correct.  Time to die, nurse!

Eastman pretty much just wanders around and kills people.  He's a mindless brute who kills people, but can't die.  Yea.

In one of my favorite goofs, the parents leave the kids (one of whom is paralyzed, by the way) and babysitter alone at night to watch a football game...which is clearly happening in the broad daylight.  Seriously, Joe?

Since this is a rip-off of Halloween, it does not bode well for the babysitter.  Instead of just killing her, he holds her head in a lit oven for several minutes.  I hope you like long, drawn-out takes- the ending is full of them.

Much like the invincible fighter from Master of the Flying Guillotine, Eastman can still have his eyes gouged out.  You're going for a Cyclops metaphor here, aren't you?

Of course, for all of his invincibility- due to nuclear fallout or something- he can still be killed by this little girl.  Can she keep it, movie- can she?!?  The End.

This is certainly not Terrible...but it's also not that good.  The plot of this film is kind of odd.  It's essentially Halloween, but with 'Loomis' as a Greek Orthodox Priest instead of a doctor.  Side note- Purdom is not in Anthropophagous, making his appearance here all the more confusing.  Adding to that is his character hiding that he's a Priest by holding his coat in front of his 'habit' for about half of the film.  Dude, just don't wear it!  Aside from that, the rest of the film's plot is odd and scattershot too.  We get some doctors and their plot, the family's plot, the babysitter- who also works at the hospital- and her plot and Eastman's random murders.  The film can't ever stay focused on one thing for too long.  ADD much, guys?  All of that said, the movie is not dull and I've certainly seen a lot worse.  With all of the hype and controversy surrounding the original film, it makes me really sad that it's currently OOP on Netflix/Quikster (that name hurts more than Syfy!).  I'll guess I'll have to make due with the 800 Joe D'Amato porn films available to rent instead.  I'll leave you with random stock footage played on a TV for no good reason...

Next up, I cover one of the 800 werewolf films starring Paul Naschy.  This one features murder, doctors and...Paul Naschy stock footage.  Stay tuned...

Instant Trash: Troll 3 (aka Ator 4)

What exactly are the requirements to be a Troll sequel?  The second film does not feature the titular monsters, while the first Troll 3 features killer plants.  This one features Ator and three of the things from Troll 2.  Yeah, that is doubly-untrue!  This is actually the fourth film in the Ator series, which is kind of a mess in its own way.  The first two films feature Miles O'Keefe and were directed by Joe D'Amato to make some money off of the backs of the Conan franchise.  When it was announced the no more Conan films would be made, Joe sold the rights to the series.  What was the point, he figured?  A third film- Iron Warrior- was made and it also starred O'Keefe.  For some unknown reason, D'Amato was upset at the film that he made this film & called it Ator III: The Hobgoblin.  Oh yeah, Miles O'Keefe is not here- I wonder why!  The film is more famous, however, due to a German- and subsequent International- VHS release calling the film Troll 3.  I say all of that to distract from one key point: this movie is terrible.  All of the history of it is far more interesting- and coherent- than the actual film.  Even so, I already committed to this review.  Get out your map and bifocals as we go on a...

The film begins with a thin Opera singer lady running through the woods towards...something.  We see Prince Ator- who is now played by a pasty Eric Allen Kramer- overseeing the trial of some rapists and murderers.  He allows them to fight for their freedom, but his giant sword kills that.  Immediately following this, he talks about how he foresaw his own death and tells his wife that his son- also named Ator- should get the sword when he turns 18.  Keep track of that number later.  A man in armor shows up to kill Ator (the older one) when the woman shows up.  He tells the guy/God to not kill Ator, but he does anyways.  Why did you come then?  The sword breaks by Ator's hand- somehow- and the man turns into...one of the guys from Troll 2.  Weird.  We jump ahead 16 years to find...adult Ator played by the same actor.  Yeah, DNA doesn't work that way.  Plus, he's not 18.  He's told via flashback how her mother went to see Grendel...who is another troll/goblin suit guy.  She explains that he wants him to raise Ator (why?), re-forge the titular sword and allow her to die because...um, late-onset Post-Partem Depression, I guess.  No, it's actual a plot point about how wives of royalty can't outlive their spouses.  Ugh.  He agrees and gives her a poison, but it actually makes her 'do him.'  In the present, Ator is pissed.  Can't you tell?

Ator is given the sword as a present from Grendel and proceeds to try and kill the guy.  Random.  The sword breaks, revealing it to be a fake.  They don't say why his head is regular sword-proof, but whatever.  The next night, Ator pretends to sleep as the guy pulls out another sword.  He goes to use it, but it's also a fake.  Blinded by a spell, Ator bumbles around in the cave alone until he finds the real one.  Still broken, he reforges it...thus nullifying the whole point of Grendel, who he subsequently kills.  He is guided to a bit of treasure by the lady from before, but he must go in alone.  He faces off with...a two-headed robot that gets stuck in a corner and split in half.  The next creature is a walking Godzilla thing, but that does down too.  He finally gets to his goal: the prison of the woman from the beginning.  He's apparently in love with her and frees her from her 'prison of fire'- which is just an open room.  She awakens with a kiss, but this causes stock footage of a volcano to appear.  They run as...the Partenon falls.  Why am I wasting my time with this?  Screw it- The End.

*For full reviews (in video form), go here or here.

I don't care what title this film has- it sucks!  The plot of this movie is about as confusing as it could get!  I mean, it involves a different-looking Ator...who dies within the first ten minutes.  We jump ahead over a decade to meet a second Ator to tell the main plot with.  Throw in a random lady who is made out to be important- but isn't- and a bunch of 'trolls' that serve almost no role in the overall story.  As a bonus, the main villain appears in the beginning and doesn't appear again until the End.  He does nothing!  Oh yeah, since this is a D'Amato film, Laura Gemser is here too.  It only makes sense, since she did design the Troll 2 costumes originally!  The whole thing is a mess, since it's apparently a remake of the original film...except that it barely addresses any of the plot details from that film.  Throw in the silly musical cues, random robots and stock footage & you have a real mess of a film.  The only good bits of (unintentional) humor involve Grendel and his theme music.  Whenever he goes on screen, the music stops and turns into his silly tune.  That's some serious editing!  The whole thing is too much for most of you to handle, but feel free to challenge yourself with it.  The best thing you can do: watch the MST3K version of Cave Dwellers (aka Ator 2).  It's the most fun, after all.

Next up, I bring you a film that's actually good!  Of course, it's still crazy, irreverent and meta as hell.  Stay tuned...
Quest for the Mighty Sword [VHS]

Strange Killers: What Have You Done to Solange?

Giallo is a very interesting sub-genre.  

Like teen vampire films or Nudist Camp films, the genre just suddenly got popular, a shit-ton of films were made and- save for some Argento films- then it vanished.  It was like 'I'd love to stay, but I'm bored- bye!'  During the simultaneous high and only point of the genre's existence, some really good films were made.  

Not a lot of them, but there were a few that were note-worthy.  

One of them is this film- What Have You Done to Solange?  

The film is also notable for being shot by a man named Joe D'amato.  

As the only good thing he really ever did, it's notable!  The plot is notable for being full of murder, but also intrigue and serious emotional development.  

Will this movie be worth the wait to review it?  Get out your body-storing bathtub for my review of...

The film begins with a couple out in the park.  They're an odd couple (as opposed to THE odd couple), since one of them is an older man (Fabio Testi) and the girl is in High School.  

Italy is a fun place, huh?  

While they're out, a schoolgirl is attacked by an unseen figure.  Her death is a very violent one, but it's nothing compared to what happens post-mortem.  

The killer decides to stab her in her...um, 'Ladybird Johnson.'  

Naturally, this upsets the police- due to both her age and the manner of dismemberment.  This leads to an investigation into the school and all of its workers.  

Some trouble comes up when they get too close to the student/teacher relationship that Testi is involved in.  This comes as bad news to his wife, who is also a teacher.  

Things don't get any better when another girl is killed by the mysterious assailant.  

When the truth about the teacher, he becomes a pretty major suspect.  After all, if he was having an affair, maybe he killed the girls to cover it up.  

The wife actually takes the news better than you might expect, choosing to put some blame on herself for 'cooling' towards him and not being 'the same person he married.'  

Wow, that's very mature- especially for a woman in a Giallo film.  

To his credit, he feels bad about it too.  Of course, none of this stops the killings...

Rather than going into a whole lot of detail, but I will give you ample time to skip the SPOILERS if you so choose.  

If not, enjoy the wrap-up.

Given the reason I chose this film, you can probably guess who the killer might be in regards to the cast.  

Basically, it comes down to this.  

The police discover that all of the dead girls were in a 'clique' (without Scott Hall- thank God) that included someone named Solange.  

Where was she though?  

As it turns out, the clique's big game was engaging in sex parties with an all-boys campus.  The problem- Solange got knocked up.  

To cover their tracks, the girls got an older lady to give her an abortion.  

The trauma of this event caused her to go into a vegetative state for a while and, ultimately, degrade into a child-like state.  

The dad saw a problem with this and went on a killing spree in order to get revenge.  

Obviously, the knife in their 'Lady Gagas' was symbolic of what they did to him.  

When caught with the truth, the guy doesn't take it well.  

A self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head qualifies, right?  

The End.

This movie is...actually good.  I don't know what else I can say, really.  

The movie is paced well, has an interesting plot and features good acting.  Despite being a work by Joe D'amato, the cinematography is good too.  It doesn't play with camera angles, do all sorts of tricks or anything like that.  

It's simple and effective.  Unlike a lot of these films, the characters actually have decent sides to them.  Well, okay, the girls don't really, but the rest do.  

The film makes a point about having the main characters try to reconcile their strained marriage, for crying out loud!  It's kind of a cheat to have the 'third wheel' die, I suppose, but it doesn't feel like a cheat.  Now if they'd had her die in an unrelated incident or something, that would be a different story.  

There's not a lot of gore here for a Giallo film, but what you get is effective.  Given the victims and post-mortem attacks, it's an understandable choice.  

I guess I could complain about how quickly the film wraps up, but I didn't mind it too much.  

Despite me spoiling the ending, I still think that you should check this one out.  It's not that hard to find on DVD, so you have no excuse.

Next up, Blockbuster Trash and Strange Killers collides with a horror film cashing in on a Syfy Channel show.  This will either be great or terrible.  Stay tuned...

Impossibly-Cool Cover Art: Deep Blood

Joe D'amato is a name synonymous with bad films.  Ironically, that's not even his name!  I guess it was only natural that he joined the party and ripped off Jaws too...

This...is just weird.  Either that shark is way too close to land or this cop parked his car in the ocean!  His non-reaction is what sells this though.

By the way, check out the shark with only one small row of teeth.  Someone never watched the Discovery Channel, I see.

Up next, we switch from a specific evil of the deep to a more general one.  Was this poster made in 3-D?  Stay tuned...

International 80's Trash: Witchery

There are many bad sequels to films made every year. Hell, I've talked about many of them already. What I have also discussed is the idea of the 'fake-quel' or the fake sequel. The most famous example, of course, is the Zombi series that is falsely spun off of Dawn of the Dead over in Italy. There is oh so much more though. Did you know that the Evil Dead films have gotten the same treatment? It is less well-known due to it only being a phenomenon in Italy, whereas the other one crossed over here as well on DVD and VHS. If you were an American tourist in the 80s and 90s you could live out your fantasy of several 'Evil Dead' films on video, only they would be crap like today. Without further ado, I bring you...

Witchery

Our movie begins with a barely-dressed woman being chased by an angry mob. Okay, movie, you have my attention. She ends up being chased into and through a very lovely New England house that looks like a cross between The Waltons' house and The Amittyville one. In desperation, she ends up diving through a window, which the film presents to us in dreamy slow-mo. The whole scene is also in that hazy filter which people either really love or utterly hate. Our story jump-cuts ahead a long period of time (the woman's pursuers looked like Puritanical men) to a couple on the same island. It is a studious-looking young brunette and...David Hasselhoff! How the hell did you end up in a film directed by the man behind Black Orgasm (no, really) and Erotic Nights of the Living Dead?!? Incidentally, the woman would end up another Joe D'Amato (really Aristide Massaccesi) film that I saw- Zombie 5: Killing Birds. Anyhow, the girl is writing a book about haunted houses, while her boyfriend just wants to get into her pants. He's nicer about it than the guy in The Killer Must Kill Again, but he is still clear about what he wants.

*

Around the same time, a rich family is going to check out their newly-inherited estate. Any guesses on which house it is? They set it up earlier by explaining that the intro was a dream/vision had by the pregnant young woman in the family played by Linda Blair. In fairness to her, this is still better than Repossessed. We get a set-up to strangeness by having a falling beam nearly hit Linda Omen IV-style. Plus, we have the pre-requisite creepy kid that is sure to be chatty with a ghost or two. Plus, we get the first of our cameo appearances by the Witch herself, who speaks bad English to the kid before disappearing. Why can't I just disappear yet? Oh and we get our first glimpse of superfluous nudity as a woman is showering before Linda's parents call. The blond is a broker who will show the family the house, which is, of course, on an island. Oh no, I hope they don't get stuck there!

*

So, the family, the property owner's son and the blond show up. Hoff and his lady pal hide, but not before engaging in more talk about her 'giving it up.' We can read your foreshadowing like a book, movie! Also, hire a better actress for a scene that involves so much reacting. A giant solar flare goes off behind the house, which is explained as 'the witch's light.' Aren't witches more discreet since they are, you know, killed on sight?!? Eventually, Knight Rider and his gal pal are discovered, just as a storm hits the island. It is explained that it is far too unsafe to go anywhere right now. Plus, their boat captain was killed and the boat drifted away. Did I forget to mention that part? Our first bit of titular action occurs when Linda has a pill-related freak-out in the bathroom. She ends up in a Forbidden Zone-style world where creepy women are eating a fetus (read:doll). Thanks, movie, I wasn't hungry.

*

The plot goes thusly: the Witch has to open the Three Doors to Hell (I would have put a couple more big ones on, personally). The first is opened when she kidnaps the old mother, sews her mouth shut (a bit later used in Argento's Pelts) and makes her reappear in the real world. She is tied up and hanging above the fireplace (in the chimney). Being vaguely near a flame causes her skin to slowly melt like wax (read:itclearlyis). All of this happens mere feet away from the group and nobody notices it. The next one comes when the owner's son and the realtor run off for some nookie. They are sucked into the magical world and attacked by the same two women. When they reappear in our world, the man is a flaming stake on the lawn (circa Dead & Buried) and the woman is impaled on a giant swordfish. Okay, that I did not see coming! The final door is opened when the still-virgin brunette- having turned down the Hoff a couple of times more- is attacked by the witch. She is, well, raped by Satan (either Rosemary's Baby or The Church- take your pick). Following this, she goes downstairs and says nothing about it. Why?

*

From hereon out it is a big mess. The dad dies (but not to open a Door) and the kid wanders around being crazy. The whole thing nearly ties together when Linda Blair gets, wait for it, possessed! I don't need a bubble for that one, do I? She explains the whole plot (at least somebody can) and chases our heroes. Most of them make it to a boat, but Hoff and his now non-virgin lady are trapped. Our hero gives his life to save her, but is it to no avail? We see the boat leave without her and see her...wake up in a hospital. How? Why? But, before I get too outraged, I have to add this. She is also pregnant! Yeah, you saw that coming, huh? The End.

*

This movie is bad, but it certainly has its moments. The mom's death and the horny pair's ones are interesting, even if completely implausible. The acting just kills the whole thing for me though. The brunette (Leslie Cumming in one of her two listed IMDB credits) is just the worst part of the movie, even when compared to the kid who is practically reading off of tiny cue cards...badly. She never emotes beyond indifference, even when being chased down the hallway by a witch! She was not this bad in the other movie (Zombie 5), which I can only attribute to her being dubbed. So, bravo to her voice actress who is infinitely superior to her. The bottom line is this: when you honestly say 'David Hasselhoff was the best actor in the movie,' things are bad. Really pain-resistant film buffs may see it just to say that they have seen Evil Dead 4. I would insult you for that, but I already saw this movie of my own accord.

*

Coming up next, a pair of movies that make you wish that you had gone to the second to the last house. Stay tuned...