Mondo Year Two: Top 10 Worst Films of *MY* Year

This one's been a bit delayed, but it's finally here!

I watch a lot of bad movies at this site, so this one was really hard to compile.  In addition, it forced me to relive the rage that the movies inspired in me.  It's important for you all to know though, so it's a sacrifice.  On the plus side, this year's list doesn't include Hobgoblins 2!  Mind you, seven sequels do end up on here, so take that for what you will.  Let the crap countdown begin...

10. Quest for the Mighty Sword aka Ator IV aka Troll 3: Even by Ator standards, this one hurts!  This film is basically a remake of the original Ator, despite being the fourth film in the series and the third by Joe D'Amato.  The plot is a mess, however, as it involves a new actor as Prince Ator...only to have him die and have the story focus on...Prince Ator.  Throw in a convoluted series of events, the re-used Troll 2 costumes (hence the alternate title) and stock footage out the ass & you have a shitty movie.  When you think about a film where Ator fights a two-headed robot and mini-Godzilla, remember how much it sucks!

9. Pirates II- Stagnetti's Revenge: R-Rated porn on Netflix?!?  This film is the sequel to Pirates, a 2005 porn film shot near my hometown.  Yeah, we were a bit upset to learn that the pirate movie they were making had people screwing the gang-plank, as opposed to walking it!  This film has an Unrated (read: porn) Cut and an R-Rate Cut, which I rented.  The film is a really bad mix of comedy and action, complete with sometimes-alright Special Effects.  This is the big thing: the movie just cuts all the sex scenes as they begin...except for two.  The first one is intact, but the next four or five are cut out.  All of a sudden, the seventh one is also intact, which caught me a bit off-guard.  The bottom line: it's not funny, exciting or scintillating.  If you like pieces of a porn movie plot and PS2 graphics, you may feel differently though.

8. Rasen: This is the film that Japan wants to ignore!  I mentioned this before in my other Top 10 List, so I'll make the summary brief.  This film follows Ringu exactly...except that it either gets everything wrong or changes a lot.  Literally the first scene tells you what to expect as the Police find the boyfriend's dead body and he doesn't have the trademark 'mouth agape' death face.  You filmed these in conjunction- how did you mess that up?  On top of that, the reporter and kid die off-camera & the plot involves a possessed journal and human cloning.  The film ends on a sour, but also happy note in a cliffhanger ignored by Ringu 2, The Ring Virus (The Korean version) and both American films.  Ouch.

7. The Return of the King (Animated): There are worse things than the Rankin-Bass Lord of the Rings film!  In this sequel, we get a wrap-around tale showing the surviving heroes- minus Gimli and Legolas- sitting around the table and celebrating.  Old Bilbo has forgotten the events of the past, so they hire a minstrel to sing him the tale.  As if that wasn't bad enough, the plot meanders a lot, making you question how good this minstrel is!  The film is infamous for its song by the Orcs, but there are so many others to be mad at.  The film makes you yearn for a Fifth-Grade class' production of the tale!

6. Class of Nuke 'Em High 1-3: They all suck, so I can't pick just one.  This is one of the few Troma series out there and made during it's late-80s/early '90s heyday.  Basically, a High School is built across the street from the Tromaville Nuclear Power Plant.  Weird plots arise- including the tale of a group of drug dealing bullies, a man finding love with a clone and facing off with his evil, twin brother.  If you like forced humor, sight gags and the most over-the-top acting, this is Heaven.  For anyone with a brain, this whole series hurts!

5. Death Racers: The Asylum meets the Insane Clown Posse- ouch.  This rip-off of Death Race is about as loosely-adapted as you could get.  There's a Race, but also a plot involving a terrorist (former WCW/ECW/WWF wrestler Raven) and some network coverage- a plot element left out of the Race.  More importantly, most of the action takes place on foot & there's very little vehicular action.  Yeah, there aren't many car-kills in a Death Race movie!  Here's the kicker: the whole soundtrack- all four songs- is done by the Insane Clown Posse.  I have to watch them act AND I have to listen to them.  Pass!

4. The 9/11 Commission Report: Do I even need to explain this?  The Asylum made a film to coincide with the release of World Trade Center.  Is nothing sacred with you people?  The film is also boring as hell, depriving us of at least a dark bit of humor.  It's just awful.  Moving on...

3. Open Water 2- Adrift: You can just keep floating, I guess.  This film- Adrift- was turned into a sequel to Open Water by the studio that released it.  However, the connection is simply not there.  The plot of this movie involves a group of people floating in the water...but it's next to their yacht.  They just can't quite reach the ladder!  You want to watch an hour of this crap?  If so, good for you.  I'll watch paint dry instead!

2. Jaws in Japan: I hate what this movie did to me!  I'll say my peace about this movie one more time and then move on with my life.  Despite all of the silly posters and promotion, this movie is dull as dirt.  The film is 65 minutes, 60 of which are relegated to watching Japanese girls meander about and film each other.  You made busty, Japanese women in bikinis boring!  Right at the hour mark, a terrible-looking CG shark attacks the group in a silly manner...and the film ends.  Why?  Why?  Why?!??!?

1. The Skeleton Key 2: 667- Neighbor of the Beast: I made it fifteen minutes before I had to stop, lest I get a brain aneurysm.  This film is apparently the sequel to a film called The Skeleton Key, although Netflix mislabels it as a sequel to the Kate Hudson film Skeleton Key instead!  In those 15 minutes, the lead character talks to the audience directly, but fails to explain anything about what's going on.  It's just a series of random, annoying events with no explanation.  I dare you to watch it.  See if you can outlast me...but do it at your own risk.

Will I find 10 films that top these next year?  Lord- I hope not...but probably 'yes.'

Year In Review: Top 10 Worst Films of the Mondo Bizarro

As March signals the end of my anniversary month, I figured that it would be fitting to do the final Top 10 List here.  In one year's time, I have reviewed many films- good and bad.  To be honest, most of them are bad in some way or another.  Even films I like have something wrong with them.  Well, except for Tokyo Gore Police- that's just immaculate.  As such, I want to highlight the films that stand out as being the worst of the worst.  Check out this shit...

10. One Million AC/DC: This is one of the last semi-mainstream films to have Ed Wood's name attached to it & even that is only as a screenwriter.  This film is about a group of cavemen who are more interested in dry humping their emaciated women than anything else.  Unfortunately, a stupid-looking dinosaur (toy) is loose, as is a horny ape.  This movie is hideous.  It tries to be a sex comedy, but has no good jokes and ugly women.  Why would anyone want to see this movie?  I can't think of a good reason.  Don't let my sacrifice be in vain.

9. Star Wreck: The odds of anyone else seeing this movie besides me is probably pretty low, but I will warn you all the same.  This is actually part of a series of low-budget sci-fi parodies from Finland, but only this one has a DVD release here.  The story is confusing because of this, but still dumb on its own merits.  Basically, a small group of space explorers are stuck on modern day Earth & want to get back.  To do so, they screw the time-space continuum by taking over the world with their advanced technology.  Bad green screen effects, bad acting and comedy based solely around puns (i.e. maggot hole instead of worm hole) kill this movie.  Stay in Finland and stop polluting!

8. Pocahauntus: If you survived my review of this film on Thanksgiving Day, then you are a brave man/woman!  This low-budget horror-comedy is about a group of horrible people who are invited to a mysterious retreat.  Evidently, their ancestors all did something to offend the ghost of the Indian princess back in the day & she wants revenge.  The whole idea that this movie is a rip-off of the famous Ten Little Indians story is better irony than this movie can muster.  It's long, painful and unfunny.

7. Day of the Dead 2- Contagium/Creepshow 3: This movie is just a big, giant mess.  Even just looking at the thing conceptually, it's awful.  It's billed as a combination of both a prequel (it's epilogue is set in 1968- ha ha) and a sequel (the main plot is set in 2005).  That makes no sense!!!  The actual plot is awful, involving a group of patients and doctors at a mental institution uncovering a mysterious toxin that turns people into zombies.  By the way, they explain the zombie outbreak that is never explained in the Romero films.  This is by the people that made Creepshow 3, which also sucks hard.  Let's just lump this crap in together.  They are both hideous.


6. Welcome to the Jungle: For all you cult horror fans, you should know that this movie is a blatant, direct-to-video rip-off of Cannibal Holocaust.  Everything about this is just utterly generic and bad.  The different is that we get a pair of couples going out to find a long-lost Vanderbilt heir in the jungle.  The narrative splits to show one couple run off with the camera & provoke some natives until they get killed.  We are awkwardly pulled back to the other couple, who were apparently carrying a spare camera in their gear the whole time.  They find their dead friends about an hour in- giving us the movie's only gore shots- and get killed.  It's like Cloverfield, but with no monster and lots of leaves.  Argh!


5. Bryan Loves You: I tried to not have Blockbuster Trash take over this list, but I can't help but mention this crap.  This movie is by Seth Landau- a distant relative of the famous Martin- and designed to be his big breakout.  Considering how obscure this is, clearly this did not work!  The movie is shot on handy-cam & tells the tale of a couple trying to uncover a weird cult that worships a man named Bryan.  It's a crappy movie that can't even keep to its own gimmick, having one scene in a room with three different camera angles.  It also has a cameo by George Wendt, Lloyd Kaufman as a mental patient and tries to establish it's realistic credentials with an intro by Tony Todd...playing an FBI agent.  Wow, I immediately know how much crap you are going to put out- thanks.

4. Cthulu (2007): This little indy gem got crapped out last year, despite having a credited year of 2007.  In a nutshell, you get a bad rip-off of The Wicker Man.  To make things worse, 90% of the movie is designated to discussing our lead character's problems with not being accepted due to him being gay.  Where are the Elder Gods exactly?  The titular character never shows up, is never mentioned and has nothing to do with the plot.  What we do get, however, is a scene where Tori Spelling rapes our gay hero while her paralyzed husband is in the other room.  This film is a giant lie and should be ignored like it was for the two years it went unreleased.  Moving on...


3. Flesh Gordon Meets the Cosmic Cheerleaders: This actually makes the original film look smart.  In defense of that movie, it was silly and funny.  This movie is horribly-stupid and actually lowers your intelligence.  The high point: cosmic cheerleaders in tiny skirts.  Everything else- including King Kong pissing on a crowd and a galaxy of farting- is hideous.  Trust me- this sucks.


2. Hobgoblins 2: Seriously, why was this movie ever made?  The man behind the '80s anti-classic explains in a DVD interview that he wanted to make a sequel, but got distracted making the Vice Academy series.  Nearly 20 years later, he turned his sequel script into what seems to be a remake.  They have new actors playing the same parts, but the original events are not even mentioned.  Why was this movie made?  Why did I watch it?  Oh right, I'm a sadist.  That explains most of these movies, actually.

1. Good-Bye Uncle Tom: A fake documentary that tries to explain why white people kept slaves.  To make matters worse, it is one of the most racist films ever made & recreates the Antebellum South in Brazil- no lie!  To top it all off, the movie is over two hours long and features lots of horrible, horrible imagery.  It's so bad that I had to use the word 'horrible' twice.  This movie is an endurance test that few people can endure.  Anyone that does manage to survive it will never be the same.  It's...something that defies all logic and explanation.

So that's a year in review.  I've done so much, yet made so little.  How about you guys help me out there?  *wink wink*  No, I'm only kidding...mostly.

More Year In Review to come...next year.  Please don't hold your breath that long.  Stay tuned...

Year In Review: Top 10 Weirdest Japanese Movies

I won't lie- I love Japanese movies!  So many of them are simply weird beyond compare & others are just absurdly-violent.  When I get lucky, they're both!  About 30 of the reviews done here are from the Land of the Rising Sun and more are to come.  In the meantime, here is a look at some of the weirdest films from that country to grace my site.

10. Tokyo Zombie: We begin with a movie that has a serious identity crisis!  This is an adaptation of a manga series, which explains the oddly-erratic plot.  The plot revolves around a pair of lazy warehouse workers who spend their time practicing judo instead of working.  When a zombie outbreak occurs, they finally decide to leave, but one of them is bitten by a zombie and infected.  One cartoon segue later and the movie jumps ten years!  The remaining cast lead is forced to fight zombies for the joy of rich people in walled-up cities right out of Land of the Dead.  This movie is not scary, not funny and not interesting- but it is weird as hell!

9. Eko Eko Azarak II/III: This series has brought me a lot of annoyance and entertainment, but more of the former than the latter.  The second film is a prequel that sets up how Misa became a powerful witch who wanders around vanquishing evil.  The majority of the film has her being pursued by zombies until she confronts a fellow witch.  Her key to victory: summoning Satan himself to kill her foe.  The third film involves her infiltrating a female drama troupe to uncover an attempt to summon ancient magic- don't ask.  The whole thing ends with a big battle between the evil girl and Misa, the former of which reveals herself to be an Homunculus!  Our heroine proves so powerful that she can come back from the dead and make the evil witch appear dead in the past!  How does...why does...aw, screw it!

8. Izo: This movie is just damn weird.  I could really stop there, but I won't.  The film is apparently supposed to show a disgraced samurai's descent into madness.  What the film is actually about is a series of random fight scenes and disturbing moments in a variety of weird locations.  Any film where a man jumps into a lake and appears in a classroom full of students is screwed up.  When said students turn into demons and attack him, the deal is sealed.  The movie even includes a cameo by big, black man Bob Sapp as...a Buddhist Monk.  Yeah, I don't get it either.  It's weird, ridiculous and ends suddenly.  It's a Takashi Miike film, which really explains.  This is probably the weirdest film by him that I will ever see until I watch Visitor Q.


7. The Star of David- Hunting For Beautiful Girls: This one is the most recent induction into my love of Japanese cinema is not as weird as a whole, but manages to wrap up in a crazy way.  The film is about a man who realizes that he is the son of a rapist and decides to become one himself.  His quest drives him to commit horrible acts of depravity towards women who offend him for one reason, but his real focus is on love.  Throughout the film, he pines for a woman from his past, all the while molesting strangers.  In the end, he finds love, only for her to commit suicide and reveal a series of incestual flings with her father!  The film wraps up in a way that is supposed to make us mourn for the man.  Um, what movie were you watching, guys?

6. Assault!  Jack the Ripper: This is the kind of movie that only Mondo Macabro could bring you.  A pair of coworkers at a restaurant ride home one night, but pick up a crazy hitchhiker.  They accidentally run her over & learn that this really turns them on.  Unfortunately, that's the only thing that turns them on towards each other.  Naturally, there is only one option: become a serial-killing couple.  Things turn sour when the man decides to start killing people and not have sex with her afterward.  It all ends in a bloody climax that you had to know was coming.  Freaky- yes.  Disturbing- yes.  Logical- not in the slightest.

5. The Glamorous Life of Sachiko Hanai: This was my first introduction to the genre of Pink Films (see Star of David and Assault) & it's a wonder that I watched anymore.  Basically, a hooker gets shot in the head and becomes super-smart...but is still a whore.  She has the cloned finger of George W. Bush in her purse, which makes her the target of mobsters.  It's freaky as hell, but chooses to focus more on the sex than the insanity.  Your plot involves a woman being molested by the re-animated finger of a U.S. President, but would rather have 600 screwing scenes?  Really, guys?!?

4. Attack Girls' Swim Team vs. the Undead: This- alongside with my #3 film- is one of the earliest reviews on the site and is actually a film that I watched on Christmas Eve.  In a nutshell, a new girl shows up at a school around the same time that a zombie plague breaks out.  The movie has about 600 plot twists in it and manages to stop the entire story dead for a five minute long hump-fest between our two female leads.  Never mind that they 'think that they are sisters' or that 'people are being horribly-killed.'  The whole thing ends up being a bizarre mix of sex film, horror film and whatever plot threads were left over when Alias got canceled.  It's an interesting film, but it makes no damn sense.

3. Executive Koala: I won't lie- I don't get this movie.  The story involves our titular hero as a business man who is troubled by his past.  When it comes out that he was an abusive husband & the woman ends up dead, the law comes after him.  On top of that, a business vendor reveals that he had a past affair with his wife.  What will he do?  Will he become crazy?  This all sounds dramatic and sincere...until you realize that the lead is a humanoid koala, his boss is a humanoid frog and we only get three monster men.  Everyone else is human, but only person ever has a problem with this.  Not to mention that the movie throws in several late-story plot twists and an explanation of our protagonist's actions that makes no damn sense.

2. Tokyo Gore Police: Is it any wonder that this movie made the list?  Anyone who is familiar with my reviews and lists knows that I love this movie.  If you don't know the plot, it involves a lady who must stop a guerrilla group of criminals known as Engineers.  Their ace in the hole: the ability to turn disabilities into weapons.  This movie was shot in two weeks, which is an impressive feat considering how many prosthetic shots on our display here.  You don't care about that, though?  You want to see the woman spraying acid from her nipples or the guy who gets his eyes replaced with tiny machine guns that fire brain matter out.  Seriously- watch this movie.  You will be all the weirder for it.

1. Entrails of A Virgin/Entrails of a Beautiful Woman: These two movies are actually part of a trilogy, although the third film is out-of-print and missing.  Considering how these movies turned out- I'm not sad!  One of them is about a group of criminals who rape a nurse and cause her to OD on a form of Angel Dust.  She does not die, however, and comes back for revenge as a male monster. Sure, that makes...no sense.  The other film is about a group of models who go out to the mountains for a photo shoot, but just end up being molested.  Comeuppance is given to the men by a crazed mountain man...who rapes and assaults the women too.  I'm sorry, but what is the moral here?  I guess any film that has a woman's guts ripped out through her, um, honey pot has no moral, does it?

That's just a taste of it, mind you.  Let's not forget the entire Godzilla Millenium series, plus some great films coming down the pipe.  When such great films as Yoroi: The Samurai Zombie and Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl come to our shores, you know I'll snatch those ones up!

Up next, the conclusion to my Year In Review Top 10 Lists.  These are the Worst Films of Mondo Bizarro (Year 1).  Stay tuned...

Year In Review: Top 10 Lessons I've Learned

 After running a site for nearly a year, I have learned many lessons.  Let me share some of them with you now...

1. Sometimes you should 'judge a book by its cover': Many films sound extremely weird and often are.  Take, for example, The Eternal Evil of Asia.  It's about a group of men who are tormented by a Thai Wizard for the death of his sister after a love potion gone wrong.  Does it sound weird?  Yes.  Is it?  Extremely!  It has a pair of evil wizards who cast magic by flying around and having sex, a man whose head is turned into a dick and a woman having pantomime sex with a wizard.  Yeah, it's weird.  See the review here.

2. Don't always trust marketing: Tony Jaa became an international star in 2004 with the release of Ong Bak.  When that happened, every film he ever appeared in got a DVD release.  Note how I use the word 'appeared' and not 'starred.'  This was the case with Hard Gun, a movie that is billed a kung-fu film with the man.  What it actually is: a terrible comedy with a minor revenge plot under the surface and a small role by Jaa.  In their defense, his fight at the end is pretty cool.  However, his role accounts for about five minutes and everything else sucks.  See the review here.

3. Some movies don't have a pay-off: Early in the history of the site, I reviewed a movie called The Gardener aka Seeds of Evil.  Built as a starring role for Joe Dallesandro (the muscular guy from Andy Warhol's horror films), the movie promises a big ending.  What it actually delivers is both 'jack' and 'shit.'  You get one scene in the beginning of a plant 'killing a man' by being near him and doing nothing & then nothing for about an hour and ten minutes.  One woman is wrapped up in leaves and dies from...something before Joe is shot, walks into the grass and turns into a tree.  That's 86 minutes of my life I will never get back.  See the review here.


4. Movies often disguise their bad plots as good ones: When a movie ends up in a segment known as Blockbuster Trash, it is not something to be admired.  Blood of Beasts is a direct-to-video fantasy film with a plot reporting to be a version of the 'Beowulf' story.  What is it really?  A thinly-disguised version of Beauty and the Beast, just with Vikings!  Screw you, movie!  See the review here.

5. Japan is an f-ed up country: I sort of knew this already, but my opinion was cemented by a few films.  For example, Entrails of a Beautiful Woman and Entrails of a Virgin are too freaky films full of rape, depravity and monsters.  There is also the cinematic classic Attack Girls' Swim Team vs. The Undead, which features zombies killing, random lesbianism and a ridiculous spy plot thrown in.  See the reviews here and here.

6. Parody is often worse than the original: In the history of this sight, I have covered two hideous parody films.  The first is Flesh Gordon II, which makes the first film look like Lawrence Olivier's Othello!  It has a giant ape pissing off of a building, a fart galaxy and penis monsters.  Please Don't Eat My Mother is a porn-style parody of Little Shop of Horrors which features some of the worst-looking movie monsters of all time.  It also randomly cuts to people having sex for minutes on end.  Check out the reviews here and here.


7. Movies that are meant to offend, often do: Good-Bye, Uncle Tom is an infamous movie in cinematic history and for good reason- it is terrible and offensive.  The men behind the Mondo Cane series were accused of two major things: being racist and falsifying footage.  What was their answer to that charge?  Making a fake documentary to explain why black people were kept as slaves in the South.  At over two hours (136 minutes in the uncut version), this film is a real chore to watch and took me about four- because I had to keep taking breaks.  Check out the review here.


8. Don't dare yourself to review something: After the travesty of Creepshow 3, I backed myself into a corner in regards to watching a previous film by the directors.  That movie- Day of the Dead 2: Contagium- is a movie that holds a very odd place in cinematic history.  It claims to be part prequel and sequel, although neither one of those holds true.  What is it really?  A boring and stupid movie that latches on to a popular series and tries to drag it down.  Check out the review here.

9. Shared titles do not mean shared interests: When I made up the name to this page, I had no idea that there was both a movie and a Ramones album with the same title.  For my 200th post, I reviewed the movie that shared my title and boy was it bad!  The movie was clearly-staged and just pointless.  It comes across as a sad attempt to cash in on an admittedly-lacking genre.  For the review, go here.


10. Bad movies from your past usually don't get better with age: Two of the movies reviewed on this page were painful experiences that I actually went through a while before I had a page.  The first is Feeders 2, a movie I rented about three or four Christmases ago and was just painful.  It's not funny, not good and filled with more padding than Silent Night, Deadly Night 2.  The other is Blood Freak, a film that really defines my love/hate relationship with Something Weird Video.  The movie is something to behold in all of its non-glory, but it is also a dull experience when you look at it.  I like that they release these movies, but I also wish that they didn't.  For the reviews, go here and here.

That's all for my  look back at the short history of Mondo Bizarro.  I hope you enjoyed it and, more importantly, look back at my older work and see how much better my new stuff is.  Tell your friends.

Next up, a look back at the weirdest Japanese films to come across my site.  Prepare to be freaked out.  Stay tuned...

Year in Review: Subspecies Quintology

Full Moon is a company that I both love and hate.  On one hand, they make decent movies on a low-budget and manage to turn enough of a profit to keep running.  On the other hand, they often make crappy films that defy explanation like The Gingerdead Man trilogy (Part 3 is in-production now) or Evil Bong 1-2.  Where does there vampire series from the early to mid-90s stand?  Find out in these reviews...

Subspecies: This movie is good, as long as you can appreciate some low-budget horror.  Filmed on location in Romania, the producers made good use of their location and their one crazy-looking vampire (Radu).  The film is not without it's flaws, mind you.  It starts out a bit slow and wastes a talent like Angus Scrimm in a cameo role as the head vampire.  It also inadvertently sets up some plot holes that would come later.  Even so, it is a good movie that any fan of unique vampire films should check out.

Subspecies II: Right from the start, this movie pulls out some blatant cheats, lazy writing and recasting.  When you get past that, you get a decent vampire film that manages to work most of the time in spite of these flaws.  Even so, it is hard to get past the beginning.  This is especially true when you do like I did and watch them both on the same night.  Either way, it is not as good as its predecessor and also suffers from a tacked-on 'To Be Continued' ending.

Subspecies III: We're back again in the second part of a group of movies filmed at the same time a la Lord of the Rings.  For the third time, Radu is back from the dead and is evil mother has some plans for our heroine.  The film is oddly juxtaposed between two plots: one dealing with the newly-vampiric heroine and other dealing with her sister trying to get her.  The film is weighed down a bit by ancillary characters, most of which are just there to die.  As a whole, it is a touch better than two though.

Subspecies IV: The movie starts off- like most of these restarts- with a big cheat and some lazy writing.  Basically, the happy and conclusive ending of Part III is crapped upon by Radu's unexplained resurrection and the death of 99% of the main cast.  If you can get past this, you get a decent movie, but one that retreads a lot of the same locations.  At this point, they have shot every angle of that castle they've been using since the first film.  They do through a new angle in with an evil half-vampire doctor, but it never ends conclusively.  They also introduce some major plot holes and a pointless sub-plot involving the police chief.  It's definitely not the best of the series.

The Vampire Journals: While not officially part of the series, this is by the same director and references events and characters that would show up in that series.  The plot is pretty simple and hampered a bit by an ineffectually-written lead character.  They also address one of the series' silly effects like its real science in a laughable scene.  If this film fits in the series, good luck finding out where.  There's no place for it, unless you stretch logic farther than super-fresh taffy!  It does have some differing story elements in it that make it stand out a bit from the other films though.

That's the series in a nutshell.  Is it consistent?  No.  Is it logical?  No.  Is it better than the admittedly-low bar of low-budget vampire movies?  For the most part, yes.  If nothing else, it is worth seeing one of the films to see Radu in action.  Damn, is he ugly!

Year in Review: Xtro Trilogy

I have a shaky relationship with the Brits at best, given films such as Psychomania and Zeta One.  At the same time, however, they have given us such great shows/experiments such as Garth Merengi's Dark Place and Look Around You.  This film series is the first of many that I really took the time to track down and watch for the site, having never heard of it before.  It was quite interesting, to say the least!

Xtro: This film is really, really weird.  In theory, it is about a man who comes back as an alien and turns his kid into one.  What we actually get though is a scene where an adult man is birthed from a pregnant man, a kid that turns his toy soldier into a weapon and a pointless scene of a black panther.  The ending(s) of the movie all make no sense, no matter which one you pick.  The DVD comes with an interview with the director who blames the studio for problems with this film, the star with problems in II and himself for III.  Good stuff.


Xtro II: What a weird jump!  This in-name-only sequel is a rip-off of Aliens & features Jan-Michael Vincent and that evil guy from The X-Files (Nicholas Lea).  It all involves a group of scientists who send people into another dimension, only for them to die.  Their only solution: get the only guy to survive the last bad attempt at this.  This movie is pure, schlocky fun.  The alien is silly, the plot is stupid and you can practically see the cue cards the Jan-Michael is reading off of.  If you like movies that are so bad that they are funny, check this ugly little gem out.


Xtro III- Watch The Skies: This movie is pretty weird as well and comes completely out of left field.  After the last two films, were you expecting an alien revenge tale built around UFO-mythology.  The plot is nothing that interesting, but the effects are.  You get numerous effects-revealing shots (including a bit that reveals an alien head to be bust with air hoses in it) and silly Predator-style effects.  It's not as notable as the other films though and will not shock or offend you as much.  It is a weak entry in the series, but not without its merits- ironic as they may be.

In closing, this 'series' is really quirky.  The only relation: aliens.  Not even the same kind of aliens, mind you, as one of them involves aliens from another dimension.  The jump from evil aliens in Britain to dimension-hopping aliens to UFO conspiracies is extremely jarring.  Even so, you can have a good time with them- especially Xtro II's ludicrous nature.  These are dark horse films, but worthy of attention by those with a quirky sense of humor and sensibility.

Up next, a look back at a group of films about ugly vampires, re-used sets and dramatic cast upheaval.  Stay tuned...

Year in Review: Trancers Quintology

As we approach the 20th, we near the 1 year anniversary of Mondo Bizarro.  A big change is coming down the pipe, but, until then, enjoy this look back at what my little hands and eyes have accomplished.

Back in July, I did the first Quintology review.  For those not 'in the know,' this is a review of a 5-Part movie series.  I started off with a little Full Moon film called Trancers.

Trancers: This sets up the tale of Jack Deth being sent to the past to stop the murders of the ancestors of the future's ruling council.  The whole thing is built around time travel via body possession of one's ancestors.  He meets up with a cute blonde (Helen Hunt), who would play a big role in his life in the future.  This movie is fun fluff that apes crime noir and sci-fi at the same time.  It's no Blade Runner, but it has its charm.

Trancers 2: This sequel hits a lot of the right notes, but definitely has some issues.  It is one of the rare sequels that actually addresses the gap of time between the films being made (this time, 6 years).  The plot gets screwy and has a couple of holes that you could drive a Prius through.  That said- it features genre actors Jeffrey Combs and Richard Lynch, which is always a plus.  It also started a bad trend in the series...

Trancers 3: Another good movie, but more bottom-heavy than the others.  There is one giant action scene that runs about ten minutes or so at the end, which is a lot for a movie that's about 65 minutes long.  The problem: the series was hemmoraging actors.  They lost Helen Hunt with this one, as well as a couple other supporting players.  The film has a good actor playing the villain, which helps the film out a lot.  Still a weak entry in a series that was not getting better.

Trancers 4: The series went a new direction with this film, but not really a good one.  Basically, the film dumps more characters (including Jack's new sidekick who was supposed to be a recurring character) and changes the setting early on to that of a fantasy world called Orpheus.  As I said at the time, your like or dislike of the film will be based a lot on how many sword-and-sorcery films you have seen vs. how many bad sci-fi films you have seen.  By the way, this movie is written by longtime comic scribe and novelist Peter David...not that you can tell.

Trancers 5: This is the big finish now, so let's enjoy it.  Basically, Full Moon made two films back-to-back: Part 4 and 5.  The movie picks up where the last one ended- with Jack stranded in the dimension.  He goes off seeking some magical McGuffin and runs into the villain from before, who is back to life via a painting.  Don't expect this to make much sense.  They try to force a message of acceptance in here, which is out of place since every Trancer save for one has been evil.  Maybe he should distrust them, guys!  The film is padded to the brim too, stuffing about fifteen minutes of re-used footage in via flashbacks and recaps.

In fairness, there is a Trancers 6, but it was made about seven years after the last one and is an in-name-only sequel.  Basically, they re-used old footage of Tim Thomerson in 'the future' and have him jump into a female body.  For those who are really curious, I will cover it in the next installment of 'Great Moments in Stock Footage.'

I hope that this proves helpful for all of those who have not been following this page since the beginning.

Next on the agenda, a look back at a British/Canadian alien series that has almost nothing in common.  Want to know the 'how' and the 'why?'  Stay tuned...