Video Bava: Dinner with a Vampire

I'm almost done.  I'm almost done.  It helps when I say that a couple of times.  For those of you who may be new, here's the score.  Lamberto Bava made a series of horror films exclusively for a show called Brivido Giallo in 1987.  Despite him being the man behind Demons and Demons II- not to mention the underrated A Blade in the Dark- Bava did nothing good here.  

First there was The Ogre, a dull horror film that was falsely made into a sequel to Demons.  Next there was today's film- Dinner With A Vampire.  I'll get into that one further down.  Third for the show was Until Death (aka Changeling 2), a horror-styled version of The Postman Always Rings Twice.  Unfortunately, the acting, writing and overall production issues made it suffer.  Finally, there was Graveyard Disturbance, a movie with a great premise, some actual monsters...but terrible, terrible pacing, as well as a disappointing finale.  

After all of those failures- some worse than others, mind you- my hopes were not high for Dinner.  The film does have one thing going for it: George Hilton.  While not a major name to most people, Hilton has starred in such films as All the Colors of the Dark, Blade of the Ripper, The Case of the Scorpion's Tail and Atlantis Interceptors.  While those are not all great- or good- movies, the guy was also a treat in them.  

Can he make this one finally work for me?  Get out your non-descript film parodies for my review of...

The film begins with some cheesiness involving some people breaking into a castle and opening up a crypt.  This has a very old-school feel to it, complete with fake, film grain.  This is good...so they have to screw it up.  After all of this, we cut to a casting session for a new film.  You're making me remember Halloween: Resurrection, so I think that qualifies as 'screwing it up.'  The group consists of a wannabe dancer, a tough guy, a sarcastic guy and a Final Girl.  Yeah, that's pretty much her only trait.  

They are taken to a castle where they meet a butler who's a dead-ringer for Young Frankenstein's Igor (it's pronounced Eye-gor!).  Is this intentional?  There's really no jokes made with the character, but it also can't be a coincidence...can it?  Stop confusing me this early, movie!  The group is sat down in a wide-open room and allowed to watch a movie that appears to be by the same person we saw in the opening.  This film is in black-and-white, so I'm a little unclear on the timeline here.  Plus, was this film released?  Yet another thing that could easily be cleared up and make the film less confusing.  

On the plus side, the film-within-a-film (yes, this is a Lamberto Bava film) features the vampire pulling out a man's heart via telekinesis.  Time to start working on the THIRD Top 12 Strangest Vampire Powers list now...

Unfortunately, the film reel has a roll-out before the characters can explain how to kill the vampire.  Gee, this isn't a pretty obvious Plot-Point, huh?  They meet their host (Hilton) who is a film director casting them in his next movie.  

Of course, the title kind of gives away the twist.  

Yes, he's a vampire.  He's an odd vampire though.  His goal: to be killed.  Much like Talladega Nights' Jean Girard, he wants to be defeated, but he won't just lay down.  It seems like an odd stance to take when you're suicidal, but whatever.  Our heroes do the only natural thing: run like hell.  Unfortunately, this plan has its flaws, since the guy owns the castle and has lived there for years, thus knowing all of the shortcuts.  It's actually kind of funny when they run into a room, only to find him sitting there and reading the newspaper.  

Side note: why does he wear glasses?  I get that it's part of the joke, but I assume that there's no reason for the guy to need them, right?  I suppose that I'm the only one who would question this, so I'll move on.  

The fleeing proves even less effective when the vampire shows off his 'heart removal power' in person, killing one of the lesser characters.  

Oh no, not that guy whose name I have completely forgotten!!!

Our heroes find out that this vampire is really hard to kill!  They try all of the usual stuff- garlic, crosses, etc.- but it does no good.  One of them even runs a stake through the man's heart, leading him to bleed green blood and...not die.  That's what you get for being an Atheist!  Deep Hammer Film cut!   

Actually, that's the crux of this movie: Vampires are real, but vampire rules don't apply.  I don't really buy into it, but it's a bit too late to question it.  To add to the drama, the not-Igor is sent down to the basement to unleash the rest of the Vampires.  These are apparently the other people he's brought there in the past to do the same job.  Now there's another question: how does he not get caught?  

Before I can dwell on this, our heroes finally figure out how to kill the vampire.  Do you want to guess how?  Go on- guess!  As it turns out, you have to destroy the Film that was shot as he was revived in the beginning of the film.  I'll start work on another Top 12 Weirdest Vampire Rules List too now, I suppose!  

In the end, they manage to do so, causing the guy to age via bad make-up before finally exploding into fire (why?) and melting (why?!?).  As they leave, they are offered a ride by a man who is also played by George Hilton- so they run instead.  The End.

This movie kind of sucks, although not as much as the others.  The plot has a certain charm to it, aided by its simplicity.  Of course, they muck it up a bit with the jumping from the movie-within-a-movie to the actual film and back again.  Please just pick one, guys.  That goes for all of you out there, not just Bava.  Of course, the same day that I write this, one of my Christmas Week films does just that.  That's a discussion for another day.  Does the rewrite of vampire lore work for this movie?  Yes and no.  Yes, it is a unique twist, as they set up the obvious events and then flip the script.  In addition, the movie has a somewhat lighter tone, so I can accept this.  Mind you, the film also has two scenes of people getting their hearts pulled out and a vampire melting into bloody goo, so it's a trade-off.  

On the other side, the rewrite of the vampire rules is a bit lazy.  We don't want to play by the rules, so we'll just make shit up.  It's too hard to be original within the confines of a lore, so screw it!  The tone and pacing of this movie are a bit uneven, which makes me hesitant to recommend it.  It's not really an all-out comedy or a horror film.  It's one of those movies that wants to have it's cake and eat it too.  It's a shame that it's not better and it just proves the inherent flaw in the Lamberto Bava Made-For-TV Quadrilogy.  

Oh well, there's always Demons 5: Black Sunday...assuming that I can find it.  (UPDATE: Kind of forgot about this goal until 2021.  I'm on it!)

Next up, an obscure 1999 horror film that just so happens to feature a man who would be in a less-obscure 2000 horror film.  Oh yeah, a mummy fights Bruce Lee too.  Stay tuned...

Video Bava: Changeling 2 (aka Until Death)

After the last two films from the Lamberto Bava quadrilogy of TV films, my expectations are not high.  (Demons 3:) The Ogre was terrible.  Graveyard Disturbance was a stupid film that makes no sense.  On the plus side, this film can't possibly be any worse...could it?  

Well, I won't leave you in too much suspense here- this movie is not good.  It's not God awful, but it's not good.  If you want to see just how not good it is, read on further.  This movie is known by a couple different names, including Until Death and Changeling 2.  All of you film nerds will know this as the movie that shattered the working relationship between Lucio Fulci and Dardano Sacchetti (basically, the latter did it without the former and they stopped working together).  

For everyone else, Sacchetti was the man who wrote (at least partly) Beyond the Door II, City of the Living Dead and The Beyond.  In a nutshell, this film is a freaky, horror version of The Postman Always Rings Twice.  Of course, this one was made for TV, so there's really no violence, sex or nudity.  

There is more freaky content than you might think, but still not that much. 

 Now that you expect almost nothing good, you're ready for the review.  Get out your maggot-covered meat for my review of...

The film begins with a couple driving out in the rain in a truck.  They stop in the woods and the man gets out.  The woman is pregnant, but goes out with him anyways.  As it turns out, the pair killed the woman's husband and are going to bury his body.  While the man goes back for a shovel, the corpse has one last bit of life in it and pulls off her earring.  This ends when the man returns and bludgeons the body to death...more.  

The movie jumps ahead 8 years to show that life has gone on.  Yes, I'm sure that nothing interesting happened in the last 2,600+ days!  The kid who was the spawn of the woman and the dead man has weird dreams about a zombie rising from the water.  Never mind that the kid never actually met his father or anything.  The couple run a fishing company/bed and breakfast, since you can do that in small, Italian towns.  The woman shamelessly flirts with all of the men in the restaurant, a fact that he has no problems with.  What a loving relationship these two share!  

The new-husband is suspicious because the town's only Cop asks her if the dead-husband is still away.  Yes, now you pick the time to ask this!  One night, the couple's arguing/sex is interrupted by a man arriving in from the rain.  He rang just once, so that's not good news...

After staying for the night, the man quickly acquaints himself with the whole family.  Well, the husband still doesn't trust him.  How crazy of you not to trust the guy who came out of nowhere, knows things about your family and clearly has an ulterior motive!  

The wife has flashes of seeing him as her husband, despite the fact that he's a dead-ringer for the guy from Supernatural and the husband was a dead-ringer for a young Michael Chiklis.  They're like twins!  The kid likes him because he fixes up the swing outside, since kids only need one action to decide everything.  The man works in the kitchen during lunch and gets the new-husband upset when the cop remarks that his cooking reminds him of the dead-husband's.  I know that you're not as clever as you think, movie!  

The new-husband continues to be an abusive jerk, even going so far as to hit the wife on occasion.  He even forces the wife to have sex with him, although she does not complain about what he does- just how he does it.  On second thought, you guys deserve each other!  

The film sort of meanders for a bit, so let's just move on.  The kid sees more visions, even seeing the zombie break through his wall.  That's cool, but it amounts to nothing.

As the film comes towards it conclusion, it still doesn't make a whole lot of sense.  We get more random flashes of the man as the dead-husband.  

Hey, do you actually want to explain any of this?  The husband finally gets tired of this whole affair and leaves.  Oddly, the movie makes very little out of this.  When the woman tells the kid that the only father he's ever known has gone, he says 'good.'  Burn!  

Speaking of burning, the house starts to burn down.  Yeah, don't ask me to explain it.  The ghost of her husband/the new guy taunts/scolds her for a bit.  It's confusing because the film alternates between showing the new guy, the dead husband and the new guy again.  

By the way, he waits until after they have sex to scold/condemn her.  At one point, he goes to walk into the lake with the son in his arms.  The woman begs him not to...so he doesn't.  He threatens to kill her, but...doesn't.  Eventually, she exits the house and runs off with the son.  The End.

This movie just hurts.  I wish that this movie would have been good, but it's not.  The third time is usually the charm with things.  Evidently, that's not a universal rule.  The film has potential enough, but just meanders about for far too long.  I get that they were going for a Hitchcock-style tone here- they just fail.  If they had maintained a consistent approach to the whole thing, it might have worked.  Sadly, they pad the hell out of this movie with false events, dreams and other crap.  The make-up related to the zombie dreams is great and you can see the quality work of Bava here.  Unfortunately, the limitations of the story make this whole thing to be entirely pointless.  If the zombie had actually risen up and killed somebody, I could deal with all of this silliness- it doesn't.  The ending is a mess that just makes you wish that anything leading up to it had amounted to anything.  You tried way too hard in the end and not enough everywhere else, Lamberto.  If this had been a real film and not a made-for-TV debacle, it might have been something to see.  As it is, it's a big mess that takes too long to do, well nothing.  Here's hoping for luck when it comes to Dinner with a Vampire.  See you in October, film that will probably disappoint me like everything else.

Up next, our second Lambert film of September is just as weird as the last one.  Lambert plays a computer hacker, so all bets are off.  Stay tuned...

Video Bava: Graveyard Disturbance

After the debacle that was Demons III: The Ogre, my expectations were not high for this movie.  As I've mentioned before, this is part of a four-movie set that Lamberto Bava made for Italian television, the others being The Ogre, Dinner with a Vampire and The Changeling 2.  What a group of films, huh?  

So what is this movie about?  It is about a group of 'teens' who end up at a mysterious bar, wander into a crypt and wander out again.  There- I just saved you 82 minutes.  I suppose I should admit that there is a little more to the plot, but not a whole lot.  There is more than one monster in the thing, so it immediately has one advantage over that other Bava film.  

Will it redeem the series or just confirm my fears?  Either way, it's a good chance to laugh at my pain.  Get out your stolen candy bars for my review of...

After showing us very clearly that the U.S. title is not at all like the Italian one (see above), we are introduced to our heroes.  They all ride in a van that is spray-painted like the entire decade of the '80s.  Seriously, this thing is a sight to behold!  

Amongst the airbrushed art, we get a shot of Madonna, a U2 album cover and that chick from Heavy Metal.  Is this what you think Americans are like, Lamberto?  Most of them linger around a convenience store until they decide...to steal a few random things and run out.  Seriously, that's it.  

They rush to their airbrushed van and try to escape, only to have it conveniently stall for a minute to build up tension.  Afterward, they drive away into the Italian forest and...get lost.  After a lot of bickering and one girl thinking that the only problem is her walk-man batteries dying, the group ditches the van and wanders around.  

They end up at a crypt which is oddly-lit up with no buildings nearby, so, of course, they decide to stay the night.  Are you sure?  I mean, there's a lovely, flaming-ant farm just a block down the road!  

After that, one of them wakes up in the middle of the night and hears a noise.  The group re-dresses and discovers...a bar on the opposite side of the place.  That doesn't seem out of place at all!

Our lovely heroes settle in to the place quickly, ordering some food and beer.  You're just over the 'Miller Lite sign on the back of an abandoned crypt' thing, huh?  

They get picked on by a local who pretends to have lost an arm while battling a werewolf- who hasn't been there?!?  One of them makes a joke that involves the word 'bet' and that sets everyone off though!  'We can take jokes about werewolves, but we take betting very seriously'- actual dialogue from this movie.  

Our heroes learn about a strange system the group has which involves people making a bet about spending one whole night in a crypt under the bar.  Note to self: avoid bars with accompanying crypts!  One of our heroes decides that he loves money so much that he'll take the bet, with the added plan that the others will sneak in later and join him.  He does so, but the bar owner seems well aware of the group's plan and...unlocks the door for them.  That will show them, I guess...maybe?  

When they get in there, they begin to regret this plan.  By this point in the film, my interest level was waning.  Why?  Because they pretty much just wander around for the next 25 minutes.  No, really.

Only one interesting thing really happens in this whole experience.  A pair of them stop by a gate, see a family of zombies crawl out for dinner and they flee when they see company.  I know I say this a lot, but...Big-Lipped Alligator Moment.  This comes out of nowhere, adds nothing and then disappears just as quickly- I'd say that it qualifies.  

Finally, the group reunites and...wanders around.  They get so dejected that they follow the weird blond girl's advice, since...she's attuned to spirits or something.  I don't know or care.  

They eventually get out after stalling some more, staring at the wall and even trying to climb up through a hole in the ground.  Yes, they try to climb up a hole.  When they get out, they're relieved, deciding to go through the jar full of gold and jewelry. 

The owner with the glowing eyes pulls off his face, however, revealing an ugly skeleton-style face.  He approaches the group and explains that he is The Grim Reaper and will take them to Hell.  They are a bit shocked by this, but one of them is quick on their feet.  

The idiot that got them into this mess grabs a dagger from the jar and stabs Mr. Reaper, promptly killing him.  I have at least seven problems with this!  

Following that, they go outside and get arrested for their earlier crime.  Lamberto, I'm sure that you like Monty Python and the Holy Grail, but don't steal it's ending again.  Thanks.

This movie doth blow chunks!  The story is silly, the pacing is terrible and the whole thing just reeks of crap.  The premise is simple enough, but the movie fails due to its lack of scale and budget.  Since this was made for TV, nobody dies, there is no blood and you only get a few monsters.  Again- that's still better than the one monster from The Ogre!  Here's a thought for all of you people who make films for TV: don't try to make them like real movies.  If you can't do what theatrical films can do, don't try to be like them!  How complicated is this idea?  As far as everything in this movie, it is pretty bad too.  The film has a terrible pace, proving to have a bigger, more awkward mid-section than most of the people whose stomachs you see on local news exposes!  I mean, these schmucks just wander around for so freaking long!  You really built the whole movie around this shit?  How can the guy who made Demons and A Blade in the Dark seem this inept?!?  The worst part: I feel this uncontrollable urge as a completist to watch the other two films.  Someone stop me before it's too late!

Up next, I finally get to close out the direct-to-television Universal Soldier series.  When the best you can get is Burt Reynolds, there's a problem.  Stay tuned...

Video Bava: Demons 3- The Ogre

After two great films in the series, it's a gimme that someone was going to screw this up.  That came in the form of shitty film distributors who preferred to outright lie to consumers.  As I mentioned in my Trivia piece, there are actually THREE Demons III films.  One of them is a Michele Soavi film that is actually really good, features similar creatures and has Asia Argento in it- a tenuous connection, but I'll work with it.  The second is a piece of low-budget crap known as Black Demons, which is more appropriate as The Serpent & The Rainbow 2 than Demons III!  Lastly- and I do mean 'lastly'- there is this film.  In the wake of his film success, Lamberto Bava made a quartet of television movies, one of which was called 'The Ogre.'  As for the other films, we'll get to those later.  

So how does this movie fit in to the Demons mythology?  Well, to be honest, it doesn't.  This story is actually about a woman trying to write a book, only to be confronted by a monster from her childhood nightmares.  Wow, that sounds lame.  This is...

The film begins fairly strong with a weird sequence involving a young girl being pursued by an unknown creature.  There's a lot of atmosphere here as the girl runs through a spiderweb-covered castle basement.  Of course, this goodness can't last, can it?  Right before the girl is killed, the dream ends and we are introduced to our heroine.  She is an older woman played by Virginia Bryant, who appeared in Demons 2.  I guess that's the only connection we're going to get, huh?  The woman is a writer who apparently makes really scary horror novels under a male pseudonym.  Despite being married and having a kid, her childhood nightmares bother her.  She tries to get over them, but is not aided much by her husband.  He's the usual 'it's all a dream- get over it' guy we get in tales like this.  

To get inspiration for her next work, our heroine heads out to lovely Italian villa to write.  On the first day, she begins to write while her husband and son go off for a hike.  Hey kids, do you like padding?  If so, then you'll love this pointless scene which pads out the run-time by five minutes.

While the guys are away, our heroine stumbles across some weird stuff in the villa.  She sees some objects in the attic that look like stuff she used to own.  How did that get from Ohio to Italy exactly?  When the guys finally come home- they were out there longer than the guys from Deliverance- the woman talks to her husband about what she found.  He doesn't buy it, which just infuriates her.  

By the way, if you love watching them fight, this film will enthrall you.  For everyone else, please note which button allows your disc to Fast Forward!  

Our heroine goes into town, but runs into some trouble when the local store won't accept her credit card.  It's one thing to distrust an outsider, but it's another thing to distrust American Express...dammit!  A local woman helps her out and even gets her cousin to babysit for the couple.  This sets up a scene of the pair trying to be intimate (eww), while the kid plays hide-and-go-seek with the babysitter.  We get some foreshadowing of the monster wandering around, but it doesn't really do much for a while.  When the woman gets in a field of flowers, however, the thing attacks her...with no blood or gore.  

Yeah, don't expect any of that here!

As a TV-movie, the story just kind of meanders for quite a while.  The monster is seen wandering around, while the woman talks about seeing things...and is completely ignored.  Seriously, this guy couldn't be more emotionally-vacant if he was in a coma!  The pattern repeats itself over and over again.  'I saw something', 'you're crazy'....'I saw something', etc.  

Finally, our heroine wanders down to the basement that resembles the titular monster's lair from her dreams and finds the body of the babysitter.  The film fluctuates between this all being in her head (an image of the Ogre becomes the husband) and being real.  Eventually, the couple hears a noise downstairs and finds a mess.  They track it to the basement and find the monster holding the son hostage.  Since the dad is there too, the creature must be real.  

It storms out of the house, but our heroine is determined to stop the thing.  Using the car, she runs the creature over and it...disappears.  So it wasn't real?  

No, it wasn't...apparently, as we find out that the babysitter was not dead.  Hey Bava, make up your mind next time!

This movie sucks, although it is important to judge it properly.  Since it's been released on DVD like any mainstream film, it is often judged that way.  Unfortunately for the film, it is actually a TV movie with almost no budget, so the comparison is not really all that fair.  Although, to be fair, Duel was a TV movie and it kicked all kinds of ass!  As a Demons film, it is a giant disappointment that offers nothing you expect and simply fails.  As a non-Demons movie, the whole thing is simply a tedious affair that has a simple premise, but struggles to fill the run-time.  Did we really need the hiking scene in full-length or the 800th argument between the couple?  I get the budgetary and time constraints that Bava was under, but I still can't excuse the many mistakes the movie makes.  On a positive note, there are some genuinely-interesting scenes at the beginning and the 'Ogre' mask looks decent sometimes.  Ultimately though, the film fails in every major way and just makes you yearn for a much better Demons III film...

No, no- I said a much better Demons III film.  (UPDATE: I own this one on Blu-Ray.  It's great).

Next up, we close up the 4-Part look at the Demons series with another unrelated Italian film.  On the plus side, this is a Michele Soavi film.  Stay tuned...