Holiday in My Crazy Youth: The Friday the 13th Crew vs. Vampire Bees!

Basic Math appears to escape me sometimes as this Friday the 13th seemed to sneak up on me again!  Instead of doing a Movie, why not another Episode of the Show?  There are over 70 of them and I've only done, what, two of them, right?  I scoured the depths of Wikipedia to find an Episode with a weird, silly premise and a guest star.  Sadly, I couldn't find another big-time Director Episode, so I went with this.  Art 'I kept running into him by accident for a Year' Hindle is an evil Beekeeper in this strange Episode.  To see how much weirder it can get, read on...

Art tricks a man into letting him put honey on him (who hasn't?!?) and unleashing his bees, which kill him.  Why?

A bit later, a sick man shows up and willingly puts his hands in this beehive-connected hole.  Why?

After being stung, the sick man is now...in the body of the man killed earlier!

That's right- these bees drain the blood of people and then inject them into others, thus taking on the form of the blood's former owner.  Why?  Magic!

The man in his new body recruits his friend, who conveniently is also dying.  Is the air just really bad in this Town?!?

In any event, Hindle kills his Boss (who appears to be from The Matrix) and gives the body to the man.

Due to Hindle covering up the deaths (with stuff like combine maiming and car accidents), our Heroes are slow to figure out what is going on.

If you want to know why a container for holding bees is magic, you're still out of luck.

A side effect of the transformation is that it doesn't last too long, which Hindle uses to exploit the men to kill for him, amongst other things.

Our Heroes finally figure it out and, after some close calls, escape from the bees...for the moment.

Thankfully for them, the last body-switcher has a conscience and wounds Hindle, making the bees target him, thus ending the cycle.  The End.

The best and worst aspects of the Show on full display.  This Show was never great, but it was two things: inventive and fun.  This Episode really shows both of those aspects off nicely.  Vampire Bees- unique.  An evil Beekeeper- pretty uncommon.  A Story about body-swapping due to magical Bees- fun.  Hindle plays the part to perfection, being just shy of mustache-twirling villain here.  He has a plan- if a silly one- and is committed to it 100%.  That's the other side of that though- the bad aspects of the Show.  The basic premise- retrieved a number of magical antiques- is obviously tailor-made for Television.  One item a week- with an unclear number to start at- and room for stuff like two-part Episodes or side-Episodes- you're set for years!  The trade-off, of course, is that you know what to expect every week with something like this.  The formula is perhaps a bit too rigid and only allows you to go on so long without mixing it up.  On top of that, the formula requires you to come up with some many MacGuffins that the bad are eventually going to outnumber the good.  Stuff like magic boxing gloves, pins or dolls are natural.  Stuff like evil Kamikaze Pilot Jackets, John Wilkes Booth's Make-Up Case or a magic wheelchair- kind of silly.  Why did Satan make a magic bee holder?  What is the point of cursing random objects held by dead people like Louis XVI or The Marquis De Sade?  It's just plain silly- which you will either love or hate.  In small doses, at least, the Show can be fun.  Plus, how often did you get such great Director names?

A silly premise treated 100% seriously- just the way it should be.  I mean, just go all in if you're doing Vampire Bees!

Cronenbergian: The Brood

Shockingly, this is not for the faint of heart.  Today's Film is The Brood, a 1979 Film from David Cronenberg.  If you know him, you know what to expect.  The Film is chock full of Psychological anguish and Body Horror.  This is not one of his more celebrated works, coming out before his big success with The Fly.  Even so, this is definitely the kind of Movie that made him the famous Director he is.  The Film Stars Oliver Reed and...Art Hindle.  Yes, him again.  To explain, I had no idea who he was back when I did the The Clone Master for Project Terrible, a failed Pilot Starring...Art Hindle.  The same Year, I ended up doing the Film Offspring.  Later on, I discovered that he was also in Monster Brawl and Black Christmas...and Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978).  It has been 2 years or so since a Film with him, so let's hope he brings me luck.  The Story involves a strange Psychologist (Reed) who is doing experiments on Hindle's wife.  Around this time, people in her life keep getting killed.  What is her connection?  The answer is sure to be weird!  To find out how this all plays out...

Reed is seen doing some very intense Psychotherapy with this guy.  Naturally, he has an audience.

Woo!  Deal with that Oedipal Complex!  Woo!

Hindle's ex-Wife is part of the group and he's mad because their Daughter has mysterious bruises.

The woman is going through some weird psychological issues, but thankfully still finds time to feather that hair.  You have to prioritize, people!

Out of nowhere, her Mother is attacked by a strange figure while babysitting the Daughter, who sees the killer and walks away.

Said killer shows up again to kill her Father (in town for the Funeral).  It turns out to be...the killer from Don't Look Now?  Or is it Alice Sweet Alice?

These are actually bizarre, asexual creations of a mysterious origin.  What the hell are they?

Before they can find out, another victim is claimed- a Teacher mistaken for Hindle's lover.

He eventually teams up with Reed (who sees all of the deaths and finally wakes up) and confronts his ex-wife.  It turns out that her rage/anger is manifesting in the form of the freaky, asexual child-things that obey her psychic will.

Of course, it is so obvious!

While Reed dies, Hindle and the Daughter survive when the ex-wife is killed.  In the aftermath, the Daughter has similar marks to the Mother.  Dun dun no Sequel.  The End.

Classic, creepy Cronenberg.  This one is a bit of a slow burn, but does pay off well.  The underlying tension of the Characters is built up nicely until you get the first kill.  From there, it escalates more noticeably.  Going into this Film blind, you probably won't exactly connect the dots.  If your first thought is 'Of course, this lady must be manifesting her rage as mutant children,' I'm really worried!  This is the kind of creepy stuff that he sure loved to do though.  The Acting here ranges from subdued to a bit over-the-top.  Reed manages to be creepy and controlling, while Hindle shows good indignancy.  The whole thing is played pretty straight until you get to the climax and find out the truth.  Seeing her 'give birth' to the creepy thing and clean it (see below) sure was a good pay-off.  A gross one, admittedly, but this is Cronenberg.  All in all, The Brood doesn't exactly mesh up with Science, but is a fairly-dry-but-rewarding 70s Thriller with a crazy climax.  If you like Cronenberg, you're already there.  Now clean your monster before you put it away...

Next up, a Remake of a Japanese Film already covered here.  Is Apartment Shopping any safer in America?  Stay tuned...

70s Class: Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978)

It is about time that I continue to watch this 'series' in the most random of orders.  True story- the first full-length Body Snatchers film I saw was The Asylum's Invasion of the Pod People.  No, really.  Mind you, I had seen parts of the first two movies through the years, but never watched them in one sitting.  After that, I moved to...the 1993 Remake, since it was hard to find for a long time.  It is not great.  While I still have yet to see the Original film (which I will rectify shortly) or the 2007 Remake (less of a priority), I thought it was time to get around to the most revered Remake.  After all, I do own it (as part of a 3-Disc Set with Alien and Lifeforce...for some reason).  What do you need to know?  Pods from Outer Space are here and the human race is going to be replaced.  Will we go down without a fight?  No way- we have...2 Health Inspectors, a Shrink and Jeff Goldblum on our side.  We might be boned, folks.  To find out what happens, read on...

Say what you will about how great a tool CG can be, but look at stuff like this.  It was made on the cheap in 1978 (back when computers were HUGE).  The early forms of the aliens are literally drops of viscous fluid bought for $5.

See- you do learn some neat things listening to Commentary Tracks.

Our heroine (Brooke Adams) is the first to get close to the alien invaders when her boyfriend...Art Hindle (?!?) is taken over.

While the withering husks from the 1993 Version look neat, I admire the subtlety of how we just see Art sweeping up his old body in a dust pan the next morning.  It is elegant in a way if you think about it.

What is also a neat touch is seeing this one guy (in the blue coat) suddenly running down the street and being pursued by some people.  They don't highlight or change the music for this bit- it just happens.

In arguably the best Cameo of all-time, the late Kevin McCarthy runs up to warn our heroes, only to be killed by Pod People moments later.

It is a great reference to the Original, while also feeling like a part of the Story.  It is a tricky balance to achieve, but they did it.

As things escalate and nobody believes our heroes (since their evidence keeps going missing), they find a friend in Leonard Nimoy and his weird leather glove.

Naturally, he turns out be evil.  Even before he played this role twice in three years (2009's Land of the Lost and 2011's Transformers: Dark of the Moon), he was doing it back in 1978.  Weird typecasting.

As freaky as the 1993's Effects are, the ones here in the Garden Scene are freaky too.  Ew.

All hope seems lost when they are captured.  This leads to the other reason that Nimoy is here: to deliver the back-story for the aliens in a sophisticated manner.

After all, this is the man who made Bilbo Baggins seem...okay, I can't finish that sentence.

This is Man-Faced Dog.  He will be in your nightmares for the next week.  He says 'Hi.'

Let it also be said that this is one of the best and most effective Twist Endings of all-time.  It is not a cheat, but it still shocks.  Even thirty-six years and millions of views later, it still rocks.  The End.

Even after all this time, it still rocks.  I have watched films from pretty much every Decade (even this Melies film to cover the 1890s) and each one is notable in some way.  Films from the 1960s are trippy and/or Slapstick, while films from the 1990s feature Vanilla Ice/Andrew 'Dice' Clay.  In that way the 1970s Films are generally slower-paced and more subtle (except for Peckinpah).  For many of those films then, the audience is more limited than it should be.  Us youngsters want quicker results sometimes and can't get into many Classics for that reason.  Having said that, I can't imagine that there are alot of people who can't get into this one.  Right off the bat, you get (subtle) tension and it only builds from there.  It is still not 'fast paced' by today's standards, but you connect with the Characters quickly.  Speaking of Characters, how come I never saw Art Hindle in a film before Offspring, but now I just keep running into him randomly in films?  What are the odds of that?!?  I honestly have no real complaints about the film.  It is funny to see Jeff Goldblum playing the same Character in 1978 that he still basically plays now.  One thing to watch is how Donald Sutherland does all of his Stunts near the End, apparently almost getting burned badly in the process!  I also love the Soundtrack, especially the part where it goes from joyous to sad when the Plot changes in a Scene.  If you still haven't seen this film Classic, do it already!  If you have, see it again.  Remember, Robert Duvall is watching...

Next up, I take a two-part look at films about mowing.  I'm sure there must be more to this if they made two films about it.  Stay tuned...

Yuletide Classics: Black Christmas (1974)

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart.  This year, you kill me and display me in a window.  Those WHAM songs sure are dark, huh?  Today's film is Black Christmas- the original version.  Why this one and not the 2006 Remake?  Well, I have to have somewhere to go next year, don't I?  Besides, it is more fun to see if I can get a rile out of Maynard, that wacky Austie.  So who doesn't know about Black Christmas?  Show of hands.  Okay, so a few of you don't know about it.  Christmas is the tale of a mysterious killer in a girl's dormitory who incites terror in a small town.  It is notable for being the first film to really exploit- for lack of a better word- a Holiday for a Horror/Thriller Film.  It preceded a number of great/famous Horror films like Halloween and Silent Night, Deadly Night.  There's an Urban Legend that John Carpenter's Classic started out as a Sequel to this film.  As noted by Bob Clark in a 2004 Interview, he worked with Carpenter on a film and they discussed the idea of a Sequel.  Clark said 'no,' but also said that they would have called it 'Halloween' if they did make one.  In Carpenter's defense, Clark says that he did write his own Screenplay and that the idea to do the film came from the Studio.  Clark does, however, say that the whole premise of When A Stranger Calls came from his movie.  He sounded a little bitter- not that I blame him.  So does the film hold up to modern scrutiny or is it just a dull, historical landmark?  To find out my opinion, read on...

A Dormitory is bothered around Christmas by a series of creepy, moaning calls from a stranger.  They're a bit worried.

Fun Fact: one of the people doing the calls is Clark himself.  Consider that the Director of A Christmas Story and Baby Geniuses did this.

In a shockingly-early (for the time, at least) moment, the unseen killer attacks one of the girls and chokes her with a plastic bag.  He subsequently displays her body in a window.

It's a bit of a conceit that nobody ever notices it through the window, regardless of how thick/glossy they may be.

Olivia Hussey is our lead/future Final Girl (before that was fully a Trope) and begins to get suspicious of her boyfriend's abrasive behavior.

Holy Randomness- Art Hindle is in this movie!  For a guy I'd never heard of a year ago, I keep seeing him in random places.  Weird.

John Saxon is the Inspector and he plays the role well.  It's a shame that the film's set-up lets him do not much more than act like he's in charge and talk on the phone.

As the body count slowly rises, Hussey continues to get calls from the mysterious stranger.  What is a girl to do?

Oh shit- someone killed Lois Lane.  If Injustice is anything to go by, shit is about to go down!

In The End, Hussey kills her boyfriend- since she thinks that he's the killer.  She's very traumatized by the whole experience.  Yeah, I would hope so!

As it turns out, however, he wasn't the killer.  The real one is still hiding in the Attic with his first two victims.  The Police haven't checked it yet, but they will soon.  The film ends there, however, showing that you don't always get closure.  The End.

It's a little slow, but it kind of works that way.  For a modern audience, it might seem tedious at times.  I get that.  I like to think of it as a product of its times and how films were made.  If you look at it that way, it's great.  Besides, let's be honest, today's ADD film audience could use a film that takes things slow and sets the mood.  We don't always need jump scares or creepy children.  The best part of the movie for me is the use of P.O.V. shots.  That works great with the music- mostly Christmas Carols- to set a nice, creepy mood.  A lot of people may ask for more gore or scares.  That's fine.  For better or worse, the 2006 Remake gives the killer back-story, has jump scares galore and a lot more blood.  Some people like it better- that's fine.  Until I actually watch the Remake, I'll hold my tongue.  If you're a fan of slow-burn, atmospheric Horror, you owe it to yourself to watch this movie.  It may not be everyone's favorite movie, but it does feature a guy that looks like Gene Shalit.  That counts for alot, right?

Next up, let me ring in the New Year with a Jamie Lee Curtis movie.  The only thing worse than the Y2K Virus is a film that everyone likes to forget.  Stay tuned...

Fight Fight Fight!: Monster Brawl

A neat idea...but not so neat execution.  Today's film is Monster Brawl, a 2011 low-budget Horror-Comedy that has quite a Canadian feel to it.  The fact that its two leads are both Canadian icons- Art Hindle and Dave Foley- certainly doesn't hurt.  The film is about a guy- who only ever appears in the beginning- who organizes a secret PPV in which monsters fight each other.  Again, it's a neat idea.  I don't fault Steve Cook for the idea.  My problem is, well, the actual movie.  I'll get into it more in the actual film, but the structure of it leaves a lot to be desired.  On top of that, it doesn't do much with the wrestling concept to play for laughs and some characters are entirely one-dimensional.  Case in point: Witch Bitch.  The only joke is her name...so I hope you like it.  With that said, there are a few people I like here, so it's kind of a shame to have to be so harsh.  To find out why I still have to be, read on...

Dave Foley and Art Hindle are the Commentators for Monster Brawl, a PPV held in a secret graveyard.  The gimmick- two monsters enter, they fight and only one survives.

How this super-secret, unsanctioned PPV is being seen by anyone is my question.  It's The Condemned all over again!

To give the film a wrestling feel, Jimmy Hart is here.  I guess they had a small paycheck and whatever uppers he takes these days.  I kid, I kid...or do I?

Hey look- it's Herb Dean!

Yeah, I don't know who he is.  I've read that he's a UFC guy, but the film doesn't really explain that.  It just goes 'Herb Dean is in our movie!'  SPOILER ALERT: He's not in it very long.

Here's my first major problem: the Tournament.  There are two groups and two different weight divisions.  One group- the Heavyweights- fight twice, while the other group- the Middleweights- only fight once.  They have two separate fights and just disappear.

Look, if the goal was to seem like a UFC event, that's fine.  The problem- you're making a movie and this just kills your pacing!

The film's best parts are actually the Intros for all of the characters.  While they vary in overall quality, they're generally pretty neat.

The problem is that this doesn't fit with the PPV theme.  The best answer for these is that God- aka the voice of Lance Henriksen- is stopping the show to let us see it every time.  When I have to do that much work to rationalize this, you've done something wrong.

 To be fair, some of the monster fights are fun.  Very rarely do they really play up the angle for laughs though.  It's only in the final fight- over an hour in- that we get a legitimate Wrestling joke.  It comes when the Wolfman puts the Figure Four Leg Lock on his opponent, but stops to howl before he does so (a la Ric Flair's 'Woo').

Why is Foley holding this gun and wearing a neck brace?  I won't SPOIL that, but is at least moderately-interesting.

The best part of the film is the great design for Frankenstein's Monster (yes, I'm that guy!) and Robert Maillet's (aka the Uuber Immortal from 300) performance as the Creature.

Unfortunately, the final fight is too long and drawn out for me.  Plus, they tease a sequel battle that would really suck.  The End.

I'm sorry, but I have to give you a bad review.  Do you think that I wanted to hate a movie about famous Monsters- plus Witch Bitch- fighting each other to the death?  Hell no!  I wanted to say 'This is a fun, tongue-in-cheek film that I recommend to anyone who likes that kind of thing.'  I can't.  The movie is just not funny (to me), scary or all that interesting.  It's a neat idea, as I've said, but I don't like the film.  If the film was about people fighting monsters, that might have been more interesting.  I also have an issue with how they decided who was in what Rank.  Why is a Cyclops- who is human size now- in the Middleweight Division, while the Wolfman is a Heavyweight?  Why is The Mummy a Middleweight and a Zombie considered a Heavyweight?  These and many other issues bring this film down.  If you're more forgiving and just like to see people in suits fight, you may still like this.  For me, it's not funny or scary enough.  As for that sequel idea, what do you think, Jimmy?

Next up, I discovered the sequel to a shitty Lorenzo Lamas film.  With Ted Raimi and a new, Sci-Fi setting, will it be better?  Stay tuned...