Poor Bastards of Cinema: The Blob (1988)

The only thing worse than being a pointless Victim in a Horror Film is being one who's alternative fate is almost as bad.

In 1988's The Blob, our hero's amorous friend is out on a date with a girl.  He has been giving her juice and it seems to be wearing her out.

As it turns out, this early version of Quagmire has been giving her lots of booze via his Trunk-based Bar.  This guy takes Date Rape to disturbing levels with this amount of pre-planning!

He returns to find the girl passed out and gets ready to go to work when something weird starts to happen to her.

Her face turning into a deflating basketball qualifies as weird to you too, right?  Thought so.

As it turns out, the Blob had snuck in (somehow) and started to eat/melt her while he was away and then it kills him.  I guess she was just a vessel.

Now, to be fair, she does have a name (Vicki De Soto).  She ONLY has a name since he announces in a previous Scene that he has a date with her that night.  The character only speaks maybe two lines.

So this poor girl escapes a Date Rape scenario...by being eaten by an acidic alien beast.  Yea?

Incidentally, she is played by Erika Eleniak, the star of Baywatch and a number of less-than-good films on Mondo Bizarro.  You have to start (dying) somewhere, I guess.

Poor Bastards of Cinema: The Blob (1958)

When in doubt, don't help a friend.

In honor of what I guess is sort of Blob Week (remember when I used to plan this shit?), I thought I'd grace you with a Poor Bastard of Cinema from the 1958 Classic.

When the Bum with the Blob on his hand is brought in to the local Doctor by our heroes, he calls in his Nurse- even though it is Friday and she no doubt planned to enjoy one of these new TV Dinners.

As you probably guessed, the Blob ate him up (off-camera).  It looks less like a Blob and more like a dead Krang to me though.

Our Nurse gets cornered in the room with the creature, while the Doctor...just kind of hangs out there.  He'll be back in like five minutes tops!

'No, my promising career as a Small Town Nurse!!!  Who will feed my 5 Cats?!?  Blargh!'

When the Doctor starts shooting, it is too late to save her.  This inter-galactic menace eats faster than your typical American at a Chinese Buffet!

Alas poor Nurse, your only crime was being willing to help your boss.  Just to be safe, I'm going to NOT help my boss next time she calls.

I could get fired, but I am also guaranteeing that I am not eaten by a Blob!  One of those is due to show up by 2018, after all!

Next up, the 1988 film gets a turn.  There's is far more gory and features a pseudo-celebrity.  Stay tuned...

1980s Gross: The Blob (1988)

If you like melting skin and gooey bodies, this is for you.  Today's film is The Blob, the 1988 Remake that is.  On the surface, it is a pretty straight adaptation.  You have the same set-up, the same basic creature and the same tale of a menace ignored by authority figures due to the information coming from 'those darn teens.'  However, this is far more than just a straight beat-for-beat Remake.  This is best described as 'A Remake made by a 13 year-old boy that happens to have a Studio behind him.'  All of you SNL fans will recall a Digital Short 'explaining' that Game of Thrones was made as a Co-Production of George R.R. Martin and a horny 13 year-old boy (which explains all of the Nudity and Sex).  That is somewhat the case here.  The Story is quite similar, but you get all sorts of melting bodies and gore.  If you want another comparison, 1988's The Blob is to 1958's The Blob as 1986's The Fly is to 1958's The Fly.  Cronenberg's Remake shocked Audiences in a similar way to this film did.  It is gruesome at times!  If you are a fan of the Original, you want to know if this is worth your time.  If you are not familiar with either Version, you want to know if it is a good Film- Remake or not.  To find out either/both answer(s), read on...

The Story starts out similar enough.  The Town is a Ski Resort Town, but it is off-season.  Our hero is a Football Player who is courting...Shawnee Smith.  I keep running into you at random moments.  Weird.

Fun Fact: They didn't shoot in the same Town as the Original, since it actually had snow there.  The Plot mandated that it not.  Irony!

The Sheriff has it in for the local 'Rebel' (Kevin Dillon of Entourage fame).

Jeffrey DeMunn is said Sheriff.  He tends to get cast in every Frank Darabont project (even now) and Frank wrote this film.  Coincidence?

Yes.  A weird one though.

Yet again, a Homeless Man aka Can Man is the first victim.  This Blob, however, is a lot more...vascular.  Ew.

Did I mention that this film is gory yet?  Well, it is REALLY gory at times.  Don't eat Past during this one, folks.

In the Original, the Bum was just dead and vanished.  In this one, he is melting like Fondue!

In a nice twist, the Football Player gets the Psycho treatment and is killed off quite early.  Mmm...Taffy.

This makes room for Shawnee and Dillon to be an item.  It ends up being less than a day from when her old boyfriend dies when the movie ends.  Kind of bitchy to hook up again so quickly.

Oh and The Blob kills more people.  It is still...very gross.

For the Theater scene, they swap out Dementia (I should probably watch that some day) for a Friday the 13th Parody.  Thanks for giving me this super Meta shot.  It is still not the most Meta one yet though.  That is this one.

Bill Moseley?!?  Thanks for...um, being here to die.

From the looks of things, he just found out about Silent Night, Deadly Night 3.

Much like the Original, they freeze the Blob.  Unlike that film, they blow up a big ice truck (which is a bit of Chekhov's Gun here)...and then just stop.  No Antarctica this time?  Aw.

Instead, we get a weird 'It's Not Over' Ending bit with the scarred Priest (burned by the Blob) leaving with a piece of the creature to do...nothing with.

Wait- he doesn't make the kids in Children of the Corn 4 and/or 7, does he?  The End?

It is gross, crass and over-the-top.  In a word, it is kind of fun.  The Social Message of the Original is gone, for the most part.  In its place, people melting, people burning and people melting again!  This film is chock full of gore and crazy visuals.  The digital effects don't hold up as well- naturally-, but nothing is really, really fake-looking.  The key here is to embrace the craziness of the whole thing.  The movie is full of people being absorbed/melted by the creature.  It is big, ugly and out for...us, I guess.  Its motivation is never clear.  What I will say is a bit silly is the attempt to mix in some Political messaging.  It really adds nothing.  The less said about it, the better.  In summary, this is the real 'balls to the wall' Version of the Story that some of you will love.  Some Purists will still pine for the Original.  As for me, they are different enough that I can enjoy them both for different reasons.  I will leave you with a look at how the film Credits loved 'Can Man' so much that they Credited him TWICE...

Up next, a Forgotten Sequel that has taken me four years to finally come across.  With almost nothing in common, it is sure to be...um, a blast.  Stay tuned...

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As a bonus, here is E.R. Alumni Paul McCrane meeting another gruesome fate that he is known for: a Blob-induced 'scorpion.'

Ow.

Buy the DVD?: The Blob (1958)

Do you need more than a 55-year old Cult Classic to sell you?

Do you want something that literally nobody has ever demanded?  Well, my crazy friend, you want the Criterion Collection release of The Blob (1958).  Check out this list of Options...

The Trailer is nice (even if any normal DVD from the last 15 years has it) and the showcase of Blob Stills is alright.  I want to focus on the real Feature: Color Bars.

What is that, you ask?  Well, just take a look for yourself...

Yeah, that's...something.

Am I missing something?  Some sort of joke or explanation?

Feel free to still buy the DVD/Blu-Ray.  It is a good movie...in spite of this randomness.

1950s Class: The Blob (1958)

Who am I to disagree with History?  Today's film is The Blob, the 1958 Version that is.  Sci-Fi Fans know it and love it.  People that barely tolerate Star Wars know it and love it.  It is a Classic.  The DVD Version (yes, there is a Blu-Ray, but I can't get Caps from them yet) is from the Criterion Collection.  The last one I watched from them was Repo Man- weird, right?  Do I need to say what this film is about?  Well, if you somehow don't know, the Film is about a bit of alien goo that arrives on Earth and causes havoc.  It's nothing special on the surface.  The parts of what makes the film so special are a bit more complicated.  Some of them are intentional, while others just sort of worked out that way.  Obviously the biggest thing is its Star: Steve McQueen.  He certainly became the biggest Star out of this whole Film.  The question on your mind (if you still haven't seen this Film) is this: is the movie really a Classic or just so famous that it is one by default?  To find out the gooey truth, read on...

A Meteor crashes into the Earth and a homeless man stumbles across the debris.  Some pink goo gets on his hand.  He runs across our hero (McQueen) and his girlfriend.  It can't be that bad, can it?

On second thought, you may want to get that looked at.

The problem is that the 'teens' like McQueen don't get along with the small town Authorities- especially the Sheriff and his Deputy.  They just don't 'get' these young 28 year-old teenagers.

Therein lies the biggest appeal of the film: a look at the youth of the 1950s starting to rebel against the hierarchy (see Rebel Without A Cause).  While not alone in this look, it does foreshadow the counter-culture movement to come in the 1960s.

Oh and there is a freaky reddish-pink Blob eating people.  Interestingly, it does NONE of this on-camera.

Naturally, the Adults don't see the creature and doubt the whole story.   You'll learn...you'll learn.

With no help, they take matters into their own hands.  They draw the town's attention, since they must face it together.  Speaking of which...

The titular Blob attacks a Movie Theater, which I'm sure was not made as a bonus Gimmick for those actually seeing this in Theaters.

As far as Gimmicks go, 1953's The Tingler is still far sillier (and Meta).

The Blob gets a bit more aggressive and grows much bigger.  Not the Diner!  Where will I get a Malt and a Cheeseburger now?!?

The Blob meets his/its ultimate weakness: cold air (and CO2).  Can you imagine if Godzilla went down like this?

The frozen remains are shipped to Antarctica, where it stays forever...until Beware! The Blob anyways.  The End.

I can't complain really.  Is The Blob a Classic?  Of course.  Does it deserve to be?  Yes.  It is not the most complex Film ever made, but it does what it aims to do.  On the surface, it is your basic tale of an alien invader/monster disrupting life in a small Town.  What makes it feel special is just how genuine the whole thing feels- all thing considered.  The fairly-subtle conflict between the Youths and the Elders feels real.  Alot of times you see this kind of thing and it just feels forced.  While the Teens are actually in their 20s, they do their best to make me believe this.  Another thing that works in the film's favor is how selectively you see the creature.  Given technological limitations of the day- pretty much just trick photography, models and rear projection-, it was a wise choice.  Implied Scenes like the Nurse being devoured/absorbed by The Blob would probably look pretty bad.  What they did then was not show it to you, allowing you to make your own Special Effects.  The key is to give the Viewer enough of a visual to make them not feel cheated.  I'm looking at you 1981's Scream and 2009's Agyaat: The Unknown!  The bottom line: the film holds up, even 50+ years later.  If you want to see a more gory and violent version of the tale, just you wait.  Take us away, sad example of Sales Inflation...

Next up, a look at the 1980s Remake.  It has more blood, more guts and...the chick from Saw?!?  Stay tuned...

Lost in Translation: The Blob (1958)

Before I discuss the 1958 Classic, let's take a look at what the French made out of it.

In a nutshell, they made it into a different movie entirely!

I only took French in High School, but I know what that means in French!  It sure as hell ain't The Blob!

I would love to know where the majority of this Poster came from too.  It looks more like a barely-shirt-wearing McQueen is doing battle against the Martians from The War of the Worlds.

It is, isn't it?

Lost in Translation: The Blob (1958)

Italy has a rich history of their own horror films, so it's no wonder that they have tried to 'spice up' the posters for our films. 

Case in point: The Blob...

That's....not quite how it works.  Actually, this looks more like a poster for The Fog than it does for the film it was made for.  Are you guys psychic or something?

Up next, we're back to Poland as they turn another horror classic into something...esoteric.  Stay tuned...

Forgotten Sequels: Beware! The Blob

This film nearly got reviewed a while back as part of the 'Good Sons' series of forgotten sequels (alongside Son of Kong, etc.) Here's the thing though: the real title is not Son of Blob. Despite its popularity under that title- thanks to Grandpa Al's Midnight Movies- the title is actually the one you will see above and below. This film was made by Larry Hagman (of Dallas fame) in 1972, putting it almost evenly between 1958's The Blob and 1988's The Blob. It has been overshadowed by them for too long. Read my review of...

That title really grabs you, doesn't it? I just wanted to say that.

The film begins with- I swear to God- an opening credit sequence overlaid with a kitten running through a field. It is so adorably out-of-place. The film proper begins with an oil pipeline worker returning home from Alaska with a sample of the titular monster. Not understanding how the Alaskan snow is colder than his refrigerator, the man allows the beast to get free. Good call.

The plot of this movie is disjointed, to say the least. Once the original trio are killed, the monster ambles around town, running into residents. They include...

-A group of bums, one of whom is Burgess Meredith.
-A boy scout troupe lead by Dick Van Patten.
-A barber and a hippie client (don't ask).
-A farm full of chickens.
-A Shriner in his bathtub.

The movie climaxes with the monster attacking a roller skating rink. Well, this is 1972. The cops and our two heroes are perplexed with how to stop the monster. Fortunately, they discover a way to turn on the rink's freezing mechanism. Of course! This is only possible after the male lead swings across the ceiling on a rope to build up tension. Finally, the monster goes down. The celebration is cut short as some of it heats up. The End?

This movie is stupid and silly. There- I said it. One Netflix reviewer described it as a series of 'black-out plays' from the Upright Citizen's Brigade. Basically, a scene is set up, takes place for a couple of minutes and the monster shows up, causing the film to fade to black. The movie is purely good for camp value, as opposed to the quality of the original or the gore factor of the remake. It is a bit more understandable how it has become so forgotten now, isn't it? The best it got was a re-release in 1982 after the 'Who Shot JR' story became huge and a 2000 DVD release. That seems fair, right?

How can everyone know a series' remakes and not its actual sequels? Find out here. Stay tuned...