DTV Trash: Poison Ivy 4

It's not any worse than I've felt in the last few days.  Unlike my wicked cold/fever, this movie is really easy to forget.  I even took extra pictures this time to help me remember what happened!  Today's film is Poison Ivy 4: The Secret Society.  To be fair, they excise the number from the actual title card.  That said, they should have excised the word 'Poison Ivy' while they were at it!  Is this film related to any of the other films?  No.  They don't even try to cheat like Poison Ivy 2 did.  It's about a girl who goes to a fancy school and gets tangled up in a secret group called The Ivys.  Were they inspired by Drew Barrymore's character?  If so, how?  How much impact could a random teenager in Los Angeles have, especially given that the even happened less than twenty years earlier?  The answer: no.  There is no reason for this film to be called Poison Ivy 4.  Zero.  Zilch.  Nadda.  Other DTV Sequels were at least based on the same concepts, be it seeing ghosts in Stir of Echoes 2 or the crazy action in Smoking Aces 2 (even if that's a Prequel of sorts).  To see just how silly this thing is, read on...

In a bizarre opening, a woman runs around a Campus in fear and stops by the set of Parts: The Clonus Horror.  This scene ends abruptly and isn't addressed until an hour in, so feel free to forget about it...

Our new Not Ivy is this lady.  She's a farm girl, but dreams of going to a big-city College.  She leaves her boyfriend, but vows to return...eventually.  Hopefully she's not going to become a Doctor!

She goes to the new School and sticks out, since she doesn't dress like a rich bitch.  On the plus side, this former 7th Heaven star likes her.  However...

 He's caught up in this film's other plot: ripping off Cruel Intentions.  This could be Cruel Intentions 4, actually.  It's not like it could be worse than the real 'sequels.'

Eventually, our heroine is brought into the Ivys.  They make it clear that they're a truly Secret Society, which is a bit undermined five minutes earlier...

...when they send a phone with an Ivy on it to our Not Ivy.  Her roommate explains that they're a Secret Society WHICH IS WHY SHE KNOWS ABOUT THEM!!!!

Skipping a lot of crap, she finds that life is sweet as an *ugh* Ivy.  That is until her PG-13 sex scene with 7th Heaven guy ends up on....uReel.  That's all kinds of silly.

 Things take a turn when she manages to catch the Head Ivy in the act of being bad, leading to her potential expulsion.  This, in turn, leads to a catfight set in a pool.  It would be kind of hot, if it didn't end in murder.

After all of that, she returns to her redneck life and her vapid boyfriend.  On the plus side, they'll probably get a Reality Show to make up for all of her Student Loan payments.  The End.

Well, this is definitely a movie.  There's nothing all that great, all that terrible or all that interesting about this movie.  It's amazingly-forgettable.  There's very little effort here.  It's designed as Direct-to-Video schlock that you'll rent, watch and then immediately give zero shits about.  It takes a special skill to make crap like this.  A lot of these Direct-to-Video Sequels have something memorable about them, be it the Clown Suicide Bomber from Smoking Aces 2, the convoluted revenge story of Stir of Echoes 2 or the bizarre morality of White Noise 2.  I still don't really care for those films all that much, but I remember some two or so years later.  This film is barely-memorable some two weeks later.  Even these tits do little to help...

Up next, I cover the latest film in the Starship Troopers series.  Will this CG-film be less goofy than the last one?  Stay tuned...

'90s Trash: Poison Ivy 3

Finally, a real sequel!  Today's film is Poison Ivy 3: The New Seduction.  It's notable for its Star- Jamie Pressley- and its Nudity.  During the rise of sites featuring Celebrity Nude Caps and the like, this movie got famous.  It helped that Pressley's star was on the rise too.  Can you imagine how little people would care if she wasn't?  The film is a real sequel to Poison Ivy, although it uses a bit of a retcon to make this work.  Do you remember how Ivy talked about her sister?  Of course not- she didn't.  She apparently had one though and her back-story (which is entirely unrelated to her sister's) was basically made up on the fly.  To be fair, none of this was expressly-stated as something else in the original film.  Even so, this just kind of feels forced.  So Pressley returns 'home' and, you guessed it, causes all sorts of chaos in the family.  Yes, the only one who can stop her is a sexually-repressed brunette.  The film may feel a bit familiar and that's no accident.  To see why this is the best- and possibly the worst- of the sequels, read on...

Ivy and her sister live in a fancy house since their Mother works there.  What could go wrong?

 Oh right- a sex scene breaks out.  However, it's the Mom having sex with the Pool Boy (nice cliche)...and not the man of the house.  Time to go, bitch!

This leads to Ivy and her sister (who's played by a cuter girl, since Drew isn't here) being separated from the Sylvie analog.  How tragic.

Now an adult, Pressley returns to the house and is allowed to move in.  This leads to a series of nude scenes...

...really bizarre sexual innuendo (seriously- this line is real!)....

...and bizarre scenes like girls playing drunken Tennis and Pressley setting up a scenario where Not Sylvie's friend thinks that she had a drunken, lesbian tryst (complete with handcuffs) with Pressley and Not Sylvie.

Seriously, that's her plan.  Weird, right?

Things finally turn against Pressley when she gets caught doing...questionable things with the father.  Oh and she killed the Housekeeper.  That's important too, I guess.

Does this odd plot point of her kidnapping the boyfriend go anywhere?  No, not really.  I'm not sure why it matters in the long run.

In a not-so-subtle nod to the original, a catfight between the two ends in Pressley hanging by her necklace.  It breaks and she falls down a small set of stairs.  She dies.  The End.

Eh, it could be worse.  Unlike Poison Ivy 2, this feels like a real sequel.  Like Poison Ivy 2, the middle of the film is mostly just a set-up for sex/nude scenes.  It's easy to explain why I'm not super upset with a film that focuses on showing a mostly-naked Jamie Pressly though.  I mean, I think you all get it.  The film's revenge plot is really silly, especially since the brunette is in the 'cross-hairs,' despite being in no position to do anything.  The lady did the real damage- the Mother- is gone.  Granted, the Dad is still around and gets it pretty good, I suppose.  The whole thing with taking Not Sylvie's boyfriend and messing with her friend is just...amazingly-pointless.  Oh and the escalation of her revenge scheme is a bit awkward.  Weird trick, weird trick, worse trick, MURDER, weird trick, etc.  You didn't plan this all out, did you?  The sad thing is that every single, complex revenge plot comes down a fight that ends in people falling from high places.  For all your planning, you people keep falling for the same schtick.  If you want to see a Poison Ivy film actually deliver what the series promises, see this one.  There's just something ass...I mean, good about it.

Up next, I take a break before the fourth Poison Ivy film to cover something Terrible.  Zombies, pot and Zombie Showers- oh my!  Stay tuned...

'90s Trash: Poison Ivy 2

You're just making shit up now.  Today's film is Poison Ivy 2, although it has shit all to do with the original.  Drew Barrymore is not here- not that she should be-, but neither is Sara Gilbert.  If the story implication is that Gilbert's character would go to College and go through this, I'd believe this to be a sequel.  It's not though.  Instead, they use a silly Plot Point that isn't set up at all in the last film to shoe-horn this into a 'sequel.'  While it sounds silly, Another Poison Ivy would be a better title.  This is especially true given the plot of Poison Ivy 3 (more on that later).  This film is notable for being one of the Erotic Thrillers that Alyssa Milano did back when they made her money, but before she decided that she didn't like them after all.  It's a bit like Mickey Rooney complaining about Silent Night, Deadly Night, only to appear in the fifth entry.  If you want to see her before she became of a bit of a hypocrite, read on...

Why not begin the movie with a pointless sex scene?  After all, who cares about the plot, right?

Alyssa Milano plays a young, repressed Art Student.  She goes to an 'anything goes' school that includes a freaky Asian guy, a weird clown and...

Boobs.  It's been like five minutes I've seen those- thanks.  How is this a Poison Ivy film again?

Oh right- Milano gets slipped...Ivy's Diary, complete with poems, drawings and naked pictures of her.  Yeah, those weren't in the last movie- at all.  More on those photos near the end though...

In place of Tom Skerritt, we have Xander Berkeley as an Art Teacher who falls for Not Ivy now that she read Ivy's (sigh) diaries and brings out her inner slut.

If you want to see a great example of bad '90s fashion, watch this movie.

Not Ivy goes through a series of vaguely-erotic sex scenes with both Berkeley and a fellow student (a frosted hair-sporting Jonathan Schaech).  This is basically the plot for 1/3 of the film.

Things reach a dramatic climax when- at a double date dinner- Berkeley's daughter sees him and Not Ivy making out.  She runs out into the road and gets hit by a car.

While I feel for her, that's a pretty contrived fate that she had a pretty key say in.

In spite of this, Berkeley remains obsessed with Not Ivy and tries to go after her one last time.  Thankfully, Schaech comes to the rescue, leading to yet another 'holding someone from a high place' climax.

After all is said and done, Not Ivy ends up with Schaech.  Nice to know that you can lead to a kid's death and there are zero consequences.  The End.

Well, there's more Nudity in this one.  That's something, right?  The plot of this movie is okay, but there's not much to it.  Once the Diary comes out, Milano's character basically dresses like a Goth chick and has sex with people.  It's like they took the idea and then just sort of stopped.  This isn't a plot- it's a plot point.  The Third Act is just Berkeley going crazy and ultimately dying.  This is like part of a movie more than a whole one.  I don't really hate this movie.  In reality, I can't muster up all that much emotion in regards to it.  It's a decent idea that's done less decently and just kind of ends with no closure.  There's really not much to say here.  I would put out that it does use a body double in a sort of ironic way here...

Next up, the second- and first real- sequel to Poison Ivy.  Now with more Nudity and an even sillier plot.  Stay tuned...

'90s Trash: Poison Ivy

What was the deal with Teenage Temptresses in the '90s?  Seriously, look at the films that came out in this period.  Beyond the three Poison Ivy films (the fourth was made in 2008, so it doesn't count), there was the Remake of Lolita, The Crush, Cruel Intentions and many others that escape me at the moment.  Did everyone just get the same Memo or something?  That leads us into today's film: Poison Ivy.  It's the tale of a Teenage Seductress who worms her way into a family's life and causes all sorts of chaos.  It's a pretty stock story, but...actually, there's no 'but.'  It's just a pretty stock story.  In fact, I'll be stock as well and simply ask for you to read on...

Drew Barrymore is Ivy, a Teenage seductress who is, wait for it, new in town.  She doesn't fit in either, but...

...she finds a kindred soul in Sylvie (Sarah Gilbert).  She's a rich girl who wants to rebel against her parents, since they give her things, but no love.  It's all very...stock.

Ivy makes a play for Sylvie's dad (Tom Skerritt).  This causes all sorts of subtle issues, especially since...

Sylvie's mom (Cheryll Ladd) has been sick for a long time and mostly uses it to keep attention on her.

If you didn't know Ladd was on Charlie's Angels, a show that would become a film Produced by Barrymore.  This gets even more ironic later.

The film teases a Lesbian sub-plot between Barrymore and Gilbert, but there's really no pay-off.  Thanks for nothing, '90s!

Oh and Gilbert has come out as a Lesbian in real-life since the film was made.  Irony!

Things go really bad in the family.  For one, Skerritt is fired from his job giving advice to the town.  Later, Ivy sees Ladd considering suicide and decides to help her...fall out the window to her death.

Later still, she freaks out while driving with Sylvie and causes a crash.  This creates a silly plot point in which they all believe that Sylvie was driving...even though her head smashed through the passenger side window.

If Ivy wasn't driving, then how did this happen?  If Ivy wasn't there, then who hit the window?  ANSWER ME!!!!

All of this leads up to the big climax where Sylvie escapes the Hospital- via the corridor from Parts: The Clonus Horror- and comes home to find Ivy having sex with Skeritt.  This leads to a dramatic chase scene set in, you guessed it, the rain.

Insert Cowboy Bebop joke here.

In a bit of forced irony, Sylvie and Ivy have a confrontation by the same open window where her mother fell through and died.  Put a gate up or something!

Naturally, she helps Ivy meet her own death in the exact same fashion.  How forced and ironic.  The End.

It's not as interesting as they thought.  To be fair, I'm not in the film's age demographic anymore.  That said, movies should be accessible and at least moderately-interesting to everyone.  It's why Kid's Films have subtle (but dirty) jokes and why Adult-Themed Films have broad comedy moments.  This movie has an interesting premise (to an extent), but there's very little done with it.  This is apparently based on a pseudo real-life event that happened to the Producer.  I met X-Pac at work once- does that deserve a movie too?  The story, acting and overall production values are decent, but nothing more.  This is a film concept that's kind of interesting, but made into a film that's not really.  The one positive point is that the film is not amazingly-dated in the fashion department- that's the 2nd film.  The movie doesn't even really have all that much Nudity or Sex- the film's main selling point.  So yeah, that's basically it.  The funniest part is actually in the beginning as Sara Gilbert delivers a ton of ironic dialogue like this...

Next up, another dose of Poison Ivy.  If you want to see why Alyssa Milano hates her previous films, check it out.  Stay tuned...