4-Pack: Killer Tomatoes Eat France!

Let's wrap this whole thing up with the movie that was supposed to be the third film.  Oh, how I wish they had made anything other than the real third movie in this series!  Anyhow, this movie still has De Bello on board, but Rick Rockwell's shitty writing is nowhere to be found.  Instead, the movie is the work of De Bello, Dillon and Stephen 'Senator' Peace.  However, things are not that rosy or simple.  You see, this movie followed in the wake of the Killer Tomatoes cartoon series.  Yes, I will review it if they ever put it on DVD, people.  To accommodate this change, the killer tomatoes are different yet again, as is our male lead.  Is it a rule that you have to change leads every film?  I mean, I wanted Rockwell gone, but some consistency would be nice.  By the way, ignore the ending of the third film.  The big question is this: will the movie suck as bad as Part 3?  Find out in my review of...

A good sign comes in the form of some comedic credits.  They're not as good as the first film, but it's nice to see them.  They say that the plot is 'Based on a summary from the back of the book The Man in the Iron Mask,' which has me curious.  Will this be a change for the better?  In our first scene, Gangreen escapes from a French prison with a giant book in tow.  This is accomplished by way of a hot air balloon, Igor in Mexican garb and the killer tomatoes with names.  As a side note, these ones don't even match their cartoon counterparts, proving once again that De Bello and company can't match their own continuity!  In another odd note, the talking tomatoes throw other tomatoes at people to attack.  Is that like suicide bombing?  Getting away from that imagery, our hero is introduced.  This young schmuck stops to talk about how he's out of his luck for being in this movie.  You and I agree, kid!  His luck goes up when he runs into a hot, French woman and gets her to like him by telling her that he's Michael J. Fox.  Just a note: don't try that now, guys!  They go through a happy montage while Gangreen plots his revenge on society.  They go to a mall that is supposed to resemble San Diego...which means that it is San Diego.  Yes, yes- telegraph those jokes more, guys!  As it turns out, Fuzzy Tomato is performing a concert in the Louvre.  Why not?

We get some silly and drawn-out humor at a dinner scene with our young couple.  Eventually, our heroine breaks down and cries about not being beautiful...because she's skinny.  He dissuades her of this opinion and they go to the show.  By the way, F.T. has legs now.  Not only that, but he apparently went to College with our hero.  When did that happen?  There's only a three year period of time in which the sequels were made (1988-1991)!  He performs a song to both tomatoes- who are accepted in France- and humans, causing them to get along.  After one song, he takes a break (what?!?) and gets captured by Gangreen, having his identity purloined by one of the villainous fruits.  This evil one plays a rock song that turns everyone angry, proving the French are dumber than even the audience of this series!  As our heroes flee a crowd that calls them 'tomato lovers' (how original), they see that other vegetables and fruits are humanoid in nature.  They run across the celebrating fruits and learn the truth about Fuzzy Tomato.  They track them down to Gangreen's castle, which is also a tourist destination.  I hope you like jokes about this, because there are literally dozens of them!  In a minor plot point, Gangreen fakes the girl turning on our hero before he's captured.  Meanwhile, he's extracted the mutant gene from F.T.  Our hero escapes the villain's death trap when he reads that he's supposed to die...and just walks off the set.  Sure, why not?

After escaping from the place, our hero is sad and depressed.  Fortunately for him, the killer tomatoes are planning their invasion of France, so he joins up with the army in an attempt to get himself killed.  In some funny jokes, we get some war-footage parody with him, which is even shot in sepia tones.  We get some 'war footage' with toy soldiers, which would be great if they would have put something like 'It's All We Can Afford' on the screen.  Since they don't, it's just dumb.  Our heroine sets F.T. free to bring the guy back and he does so, but with some company.  Gangreen is going to take over France by way of some silly prophecy that he's going to manufacture with Igor as a substitute for Louis XVII.  As it turns out, there is a real Louis XVII and he's pissed.  I'll try to ignore the fact that Rick Rockwell plays the army commander, thank you.  He goes back to the castle to rescue her, leading to a pair of sword-fights between Fake Louis and real Louis & F.T. and the evil tomatoes.  It ends in the villain's favor & they run off towards the mall...that is totally in Paris!  After a long bit, our hero makes it up to the tower- getting past the 999 stairs.  After he frees her, they take the elevator down.  The ceremony almost ends with fake Louis as the new King of France, but F.T. swings in for the save.  Our heroine becomes the new Queen by way of taking a shoe, but abdicates the throne to be with not-Michael J. Fox.  The End.

This movie is...still pretty shitty.  Don't get me wrong- it's an improvement over Killer Tomatoes Strike Back.  Of course, there are also different kinds of Cancer that I would have than the really bad ones too!  It's easy to see that there is more material to work with and there are no Zubazs in sight!  Even so, the movie is still dependent on lame jokes like a bar serving vegetables, but not fruit- that means no watermelons!  By the way, this really gets to me for some reason: tomatoes are fruits!  In the first film, there's a joke where the Japanese scientist calls them 'fags,' only to be corrected as 'fruits.'  In all three films that follow, they call them vegetables.  How do you forget that simple fact?  Is there some sort of joke that I missed where they make fun of themselves for this oversight?  I want to know!  Anyhow, this film does have some funny bits in it, including some sight gags and 4th Wall breaking jokes.  Even so, the thrill has entirely left this series and would never return.  I really wanted to like this movie...but it just sucks.  You can tell they tried, just not hard enough.  Oh well.

Up next, a I begin a look at a recent slate of horror films that share a name with an Uli Lommel series.  Will they be any better?  Stay tuned...

4-Pack: Killer Tomatoes Strike Back!

After doing so well with the sequel, you had to know that this movie would disappoint.  How could you make another film that's so irreverent, ridiculous and funny?  You couldn't, but that didn't stop De Bello and company from trying.  The big problem that would be that they got their buddy on board, made him the new star (no Clooney here) and even letting him be a writer.  Mind you, the guy played a small part (substituting as the Press Secretary from the first film), but did nothing else besides that.  Who is this mystery man?  Well, does the name Rick Rockwell ring a bell?  Probably not, so I'll help you out.  Do you remember that Fox debacle known as Who Wants to Marry A Multi-Millionaire?  The *alleged* multi-millionaire was Rick Rockwell.  The show became controversial when we learned that he was a failed stand-up comic with a somewhat-dubious personal life.  What they didn't say was that he starred in this movie, Zubaz's and all.  This is...

The film begins with a woman chased through the woods, but she calms down when she sees that it's just a guy in a hockey mask.  Her fear returns when a group of tomatoes in hockey masks and armed with chainsaws show up.  This sets up our credits, which is layered over Mr. Rockwell waking up, doing random shit (juggling oranges...why not?) and going to work.  This guy is immediately annoying, from his cocky smirk to his Zubaz (it's fun to write that word) to his alarm clock that only turns off when he makes three baskets.  He goes to the crime scene and meets his partner, a normal-looking black guy who always has some tissue covering a cut on his face due to shaving.  Seriously- that's his only notable feature!  We learn that Gangreen (Astin) is still around, somehow not in prison despite being captured at the end of Part 2.  Him and Igor have a gang of killer tomatoes out and about robbing people, but they have a master plan.  Incidentally, they have abandoned the whole 'Tomato Men' idea too and have gone to little tomatoes, just with faces.  Is some consistency too much to ask guys?  Our hero is assigned to protect some tomato scientist, even though he doesn't believe in the killer tomatoes.  Um, we had a war with them?  It's like someone not believing in Japanese people!

Anyhow, let's get to the meat of the story: Gangreen's evil plan.  After escaping, he has taken on the disguise of Geronihew, a TV talk show host who is definitely not a composite of real people.  He uses his sway to turn people against Fuzzy Tomato and the idea of killer tomatoes entirely on a show featuring F.T., Wilbur Finletter and the blond scientist.  In the B-Plot, the tomatoes try to kill our heroine and she narrowly escapes one attempt.  A second attempt is foiled by our hero, which leads to them being less combative.  Incidentally, our hero finds splattered tomatoes with faces on them in her apartment, but is still a skeptic.  When they attack him personally but don't kill him, he finally gets on board.  Meanwhile, Gangreen kidnaps a bunch of press people and brainwashes them.  During all of this, they manage to slip in a 4th wall-breaking joke when they find the dead hockey player and refer to him being 'in Scene 1.'  Yeah, you're still not funny.  Gangrene randomly robs a bank and kidnaps a teller after a long, drawn-out comedy bit.  Is it funny?  No.  Is it long?  Yes.

As the film limps towards a finish, things don't get much better.  After a silly montage and a pointless cameo by the disguise expert, our heroes figure out that the place to go is the Central Broadcasting School, which is not to be confused with the real CBS.  If you thought my joke was lame, just know that they use it TWICE.  Our heroes sneak in and find the partner being mentally-tortured by Gangreen.  How do they find him?  They see the tissue from his cheek...since it could only be from him.  They find out about Gangreen's plan, but get captured.  Gangreen plans to sacrifice the woman on a B.L.T. Altar (don't look at me), so Fuzzy Tomato rushes off for help.  Wilbur gets back in his old outfit and rushes off to help.  While that's going on, our hero attempts to disrupt the final show from Gangreen by exposing Geronihew for who he really is.  This doesn't work, so they just pour ketchup all over him and have him get attacked by the tomatoes.  Don't worry- he's not dead.  As the credits roll, we get a bizarre 'post-game' bit involving the cast playing actors...in this movie.  As a final gag, we see Wilbur stuck in a tree and asking if he's too late.  The End.

Oh Dear God, is this movie lame!  What the hell happened to make the silly, but funny humor into just stupid crap?  Gone are all the parody-style jokes about their own low-budget, the silly effects and the like.  In its place, we get a bunch of sight gags, prop comedy and silly faces.  You all love sight gags like Rockwell playing with a yo-yo and having our the woman mistake it for an attacking tomato right?  You love seeing a track runner go through the police tape thinking that it's a finish line right?  You have to tell me that you chuckle at John Astin wearing a wig and calling himself Geronihew....right?  As I noted in the intro, the film has three writers: De Bello, Rockwell and Dillon.  Weird how two of those wrote for the first sequel and it was good, huh?  Not to put all the blame on the bad comic, but...I'm pretty much putting all the blame on the bad comic.  Sure there's also the absence of the better performers like Clooney and the suddenly-minor role by Stephen 'Rock' Peace as Finletter too.  Want to know why he was absent for most of this?  Because he was simultaneously working in the California State Senate!  Yeah, I bet you didn't know that, did you?  I also bet that you didn't care either.  Astin is funny here, but he's about the only one.  Do yourself a favor and avoid this one?  Other than the ironic aspect of Rockwell being in here, this movie is not worth your time.

Next up, with nowhere to go but up, can this series improve?  Well, the film has the tomatoes trying to invade France...so, no.  Stay tuned...

Mondo Trivia: Return of the Killer Tomatoes

* The ending credits promise to close-up the Killer Tomato trilogy with The Killer Tomatoes Go To France.  That didn't happen.

* As it would turn out, the fourth film would become Killer Tomatoes Eat France.  Close, but no cigar.

4-Pack: Return of the Killer Tomatoes!

After the mild success of the first film, it was sort of a gimme that more would come from it.  Sure it was ten years later, but it still counts damn it!  Seriously though, it's interesting to see that this got made, no doubt off of the video success of the original.  Fortunately, since this isn't a Godzilla movie, I can suggest that without being corrected by Venoms5.  Anyhow, John De Bello is still at the helm of this movie, although one of the stars from the original (the parachutist) is on board as a Producer and a Co-Writer.  Oddly, the lead actor and character is not brought over, but the parachutist (Wilbur Finletter) is.  I guess it pays to be one of the writers, huh?  Let's address what you are all are thinking about though: George Clooney is in this movie.  Yes, George Clooney plays an '80s playboy who never wants to settle down- that's true acting.  The biggest get for the series comes in the form of John Astin.  The man has the right amount of seriousness and silliness to make the character work in this film and the sequels, even if the script is not always up to par.  One thing to get used to as well is the film's severe disrespect for the Fourth Wall.  You got a little of it in the first film, but the real craziness begins here.  Without further ado, this is...

Before the plot can begin, we get a silly framing device with a small tv station playing the movie.  Of course, the host originally starts playing a movie called Big-Breasted Women Go To The Beach and Take Their Tops Off, but is lambasted before you can see anything.  The film openly mocks its low-budget status even more with its silly title card (see above) and reuse of the same music.  Sadly, the credits are not quite as silly as Part 1.  In the wake of the Great Tomato War, the fruits are outlawed, Wilbur Finletter is a hero and has turned this fame into a gig running a tomato-free pizza shop.  Who wants blueberry jam and marshmallows?  Wilbur has a flashback/recap featuring the old footage, but a woman calling in and complaining about the movie's use of stock footage puts a stop to that.  More importantly, our hero- Wilbur's nephew- has the hots for a girl who lives at a far-off mansion that is surrounded by Rambo-wannabes.  As the young woman explains, 'they're just gardeners and carpenters- not tomato men.'  As it turns out, her flimsy cover is not true and they are in fact tomato men created by Astin's character.  He uses music to transform them from fruit to man, which sets up a silly plot-point for our heroine.  During an experiment, the scientist creates a fluke known as Fuzzy Tomato (F.T. to his homies) and tosses him out, prompting the girl to leave.

Being the idiot that he is, our hero panics when a hot blond shows up at the pizzeria and says 'you want to have sex.'  Dude, you can only be in a bad '80s film once- embrace it!  As it turns out, he eventually falls for her and they do the vertical mambo off-camera, a fact that pleases his roommate/co-worker (Clooney).  Never mind the fact that she showers with fertilizer or tapes The Farm Report off of the radio (gee, that dates this movie, huh?).  Meanwhile, the evil Doctor has realized what happened and sends out his henchman Igor to get her.  Apparently, he got an intern though and he's actually an '80s yuppie who wants to be a newscaster.  A date between our hero and heroine is broken up by some classical music, resulting in her transforming back to a a tomato and scaring people.  When they leave (he was away for all of it), they are chased by Igor, but only after he asks a couple (one of whom is writer Costa Dillon) if the film has had a chase scene yet.  When he crashes, the man comments, 'This is a low-budget movie!'  Eventually, our hero figures out some semblance of what is going on and things don't end well.  During a scene where he's consoled by Clooney, the director (also Dillon) interrupts and explains that they're out of money.  This leads the film's best scene: Clooney and Dillon playing caricatures in an attempt to promote Pepsi, Bud Light, etc.  Now armed with some money, they can wrap this thing up!

Things turn sour when our heroine is exposed a former-tomato and chased, only to be captured by Igor and the Doctor.  F.T. escapes and gets our heroes to go help him out, only for them to get captured as well.  Of course, before they do, they indulge in a long promotion for some ATVs, only allowing it to end when the director approves.  Desperate, they call Wilbur for help, getting him to bring in his old friends- well, except for the dead swimmer.  They find the house and wander around, at one point stumbling across a China closet...which naturally opens up to a stock footage shot of the Great Wall.  Incidentally, the disguise expert is dressed like The Lone Ranger, which is at least better than his Qaddafi outfit.  The bad guys get away, but leave our heroes in a death trap.  Fortunately, Wilbur is there to stop the device...after tripping over his parachute 40 times.  The finale is at the prison where the Press Secretary is being held- yeah, he apparently survived the stabbing and changed actors (to Rick Rockwell).  Our heroes confront the Doctor, who manages to get distracted by saying the 'secret word' from the film's framing device.  They are beaten, but manage to gas our heroine...which doesn't kill her and makes her human.  Alright then- The End.

I won't lie- this movie is funny as hell!  Is it juvenile?  Yes.  It has George Clooney playing a guy who pretends to be Rob Lowe to get a date.  Is it stupid?  Yes.  The film has a fat, black man dressed as The Lone Ranger, for crying out loud!  Is the movie self-referential?  Yes.  It has our two heroes addressing the cameras and explaining how every joke has had a pay-off.  Hell, it has the writer playing three roles (the director, the guy on the street and a prison gate guard) and actually makes a joke about how 'he's already playing three roles in this sucker!'  In spite of all that, I love this movie.  The film is extremely-dated, full of silly jokes and has a plot that makes no damn sense.  I still love it!  No matter what logic you throw at me, you can't convince me that this movie is nothing other than some funny-ass shit.  If you're into serious humor and more straight-laced stuff, you may hate it.  You have to appreciate it for one thing though.  If nothing else, it introduced us to the best new sport idea in the last thirty years: Full Contact American's Cup!

Next up, want to see how fast a series can crash & burn?  Find out how tomorrow!  Stay tuned...

4 Pack: Attack of the Killer Tomatoes!

In the wake of The Rocky Horror Picture Show, a lot of movies tried to become cult classics by throwing out the weirdest plots they could think of.  How else do you explain a movie called Attack of the Killer Tomatoes?  The film is the brain-child of John De Bello and freaks you out as it makes you laugh.  This movie is bizarre, irreverent and not for everyone.  Is it a good movie?  Well, it features the Royal Shakespearean Tomatoes, if that helps sway you.  The film is full of goofball humor that has no respect for the Fourth Wall, as well as common sense.  If you haven't seen this movie, it's something to behold.  If you want to know the full story, check out my review of...

The film begins with a woman being sneak attacked by a tomato in her home.  Horror movie parody right from the beginning- interesting.  We get a whole slew of silly credits, including the aforementioned Royal Shakespearean Tomatoes bit and a fake ad for a furniture company.  In the aftermath, the government faces a big problem from the titular creatures.  They want to deal with it, but don't want to make a big fuss about it.  In order to do so, they hire the lowest-ranking government worker they can get: Mason Dixon.  Alongside some non-famous military brass, the group assembles in a very tiny room for an awkward meeting.  You get a good look at the movie's humor as well when a Japanese scientist is introduced...and talks in a dubbed voice.  After knocking a portrait of the U.S.S. Alabama into a fish tank, the man finishes up and our hero is sent off to meet his elite team of agents.  They are a recently-defected women's swimmer, an underwater expert in full SCUBA gear, a parachutist who never removes the aforementioned object and a master of disguise.  This makes for an awkward meeting for the latter two as the disguise expert is dressed as Hitler...despite being fat and black.  This is part of the master plan, but they never say how.  In the B-Plot, the Press Secretary meets up with a PR firm to spin the problem.  Naturally, there's a musical number.

The disguise expert is sent off to infiltrate the tomatoes, while the others go out on patrol.  In the film's C-Plot, a female reporter is sent to investigate the story, since all the Special Assignment reporters are on, wait for it, Special Assignment.  If this joke makes you groan, this is not your movie.  We get more tomato attacks and the movie gets a chance to mock it's low budget.  A group of fleeing civilians run back and forth past a camera in a representation of the chaos in several cities.  It's still not as great as the establishing shot of San Francisco with a title card reading 'New York?'  The comedy keeps coming and continues to be random as the defected-swimmer eats some cereals named Steroids and gets killed by tomatoes tossed just off-camera.  Thankfully, the parachutist comes a minute later to warn her of tomato presence in the area.  A mysterious man is trying to kill Mr. Dixon, which leads a scene of him narrowly-avoiding being shot, although the people he passes are not so lucky.  We eventually get a chase scene that starts out fast, adds the parachutist to the mix and becomes comically-slow.  Dixon finally gets out of his car and walks up to the other one...only to get hit by his own car.  D'oh!

Things don't look good for our heroes as nothing goes in their favor.  The undercover expert un-wisely asks for some ketchup and blows his cover.  Our parachutist is followed by the lady reporter and assails her when she sneaks into his room...only to fall for the 'stuck under a blanket' routine.  The worst part: they're constantly assailed by a horrible song on the radio called 'Puberty Love.'  As it turns out, this actually helps them out and becomes much more important.  When a tomato force flees from an attack on Dixon, he realizes that the song is a weapon.  Well, it makes my ears bleed, so I guess so.  He arranges for all of the residents to meet in an arena and play the song.  Before that, he is cornered by the mastermind behind the whole thing: the Press Secretary.  Wow, that's random.  His plan to make his vegetables replace that of our own is foiled by a sword in the gut.  In the arena, the song plays and causes the fruits to shrink.  The crowd of extras swarm them and stomp away.  Dixon plays the hero when he has to stop a giant tomato wearing giant earmuffs.  Fortunately, he has the print version of the song to put the beast to rest, allowing him to get a random romantic scene.  In the aftermath, the carrots plan their attack...

This movie is really, really weird.  In a lot of ways, it's not good.  The humor is sometimes hit-or-miss, but they try to compensate with an Airplane-like joke speed.  While it will never replace the Zuckers' film, it is funnier than it has any right to be.  The special effects are extremely low-budget and are not at all convincing.  Hell, you can see the wheels on the giant tomato rolling in a parking lot at one point.  However, the low-budget of the film is part of its appeal and is played as the biggest joke of all.  They know that the effects look dumb and just go with it.  I can't really fault them for that, although it is still a bit silly.  The biggest selling point of the movie is its quirky nature.  In that regard, it will either make you a fan for life or make you just scoff at it.  That's really all I can say about it.  This movie is stupid as hell, but makes me laugh.  That probably says a lot about me, huh?

Next up, the sequel to the film comes ten years later.  Does the addition of Batman and Gomez Adams to the cast make this one a winner?  Stay tuned...