Project Terrible 10: The Barbarians

Let's end with something Terribly awesome.  Actually, this film is just alright, but it should be awesome.  Where do I begin?  It stars The Barbarian Brothers aka those dorks from Double Trouble.  I guess this was Bob's revenge for that movie.  The result: The Barbarians.  This 1987 film is really hard to find, despite being made by a controversial Director.  The man: Ruggero Deodato.  Apparently the punishment for gutting that Turtle on-screen was making a film with The Barbarian Brothers.  Fun Fact: I'm actually watching Cannibal Holocaust as I write this.  So why is this a movie?  Because of Conan The Barbarian, of course.  Without that iconic film, we wouldn't have such classics as Beastmaster 2, The Cave Dwellers, Lucio Fulci's Conquest, Barbarian Queen 2 and Deathstalker III.  This was yet another film to join this bunch of film gems, coming out three years after Conan The Destroyer.  It tells the tale of two young men who offend and wound a conqueror, leading to him keeping them alive to later get revenge on him.  This does sound like a pluralized version of Conan, but you're...kind of right.  There are some notable differences in the tale, as it also steals from other Films as well.  To see why this film is only available on YouTube with Romanian Subtitles burned into the print, read on...

Our heroes are orphans raised by a group of former Entertainers who happen upon an evil Warlord in the Desert.  It also looks like a lot like Gor, another film that came out in 1987.

Oh and that is not Emo Phillips in the middle.  I know- I thought that too.

The group is captured by the Warlord- Richard Lynch- and one of them bites two of his fingers off.  He agrees to let them live if their make-shift Mother stays with him...so he keeps them around for twenty-years in order for them to just kill each other.

Kudos for a long-reaching plan, Richard, but maybe you could be a bit less obtuse.

Lynch's two main henchman are The Dirtmaster (Michael Berryman) and a lady Wizard, who plans to get him a magic ruby to make him invincible.

You know you're in a low-budget film when you can't afford a diamond.

The pair- now played by the HGH Twins- fight each other in a fight set up to make them kill each other.  It fails when they realize who they are and flee...without their swords.  MENSA Members they are not.

Holy shit- George Eastman is in a trashy, Italian film.  Alert the press!

He plays Jacko, a man who eventually gives the pair weapons for the eventual- and underwhelming- uprising.

In a rather freaky scene, the pair sneak into the Warlord's Camp and find their 'mother.'  As they go to leave, one of the Brothers gets them pulled into a pile with Lynch's Harem, presumably-leading to an off-screen orgy.

Guys, she's not really your mother...but could you not do that in front of her?!?!?!?

At some point, this happens.  No context will help, so just enjoy this silliness.

A sort-of dragon is guarding the Ruby and our heroes manage to kill it.  All I can think of is just how silly it looks.

As it turns out, the feisty girl- who is presented a bit like Grace Jones from Destroyer at first- is the Princess, since the Ruby fit against her belly button.

In a bit of anti-climax, our heroes face Lynch is single-on-double combat.  They have a 'Mexican stand-off with Lynch, who's crossbow jams...somehow and they both throw their swords through him.  They ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after.

Well, until they made Twin Sitters.  It all went downhill after that.  The End.

Damn, is this film orange!  I blame most of the color issues on the source, which for all I know is a beat-up VHS tape from 1988.  Aside from that, I should probably judge the movie as a whole, not the shitty Transfer I got.  It's really, really dumb.  I love Ruggero, but not every film is Cannibal Holocaust.  He did, after all, make a knock-off of The Road Warrior called The Raiders of Atlantis.  Seriously, that's a film.  It is interesting to compare the film to all of the Barbarian films and see what's right and what's wrong.  The tone is all over the place here, including jokes, violent deaths and an implied orgy scene at one point.  What was the market here?  It's not as gory as Conan, so I guess it was going for a middle-of-the-road market.  The fact that we have no readily-available U.S. DVD of it should tell you how well that plan worked.  Is it better than the Ator films?  Well, it's less accidentally-silly- see the 'Ator makes a glider and lobs hand-grenades at a Castle' scene for proof of that.  Is it better than the Deathstalker/Barbarian Queen films?  Yes and no.  Nearly every film is better than Deathstalker IV, so that's kind of cheating.  I do enjoy Deathstalker II more, since it knew that it was utter shit and went with it.  Seriously, it's the best Audio Commentary Track ever!  The biggest flaw is, naturally, the leads.  They can't act and often do this weird grunt/laugh thing that I just don't get.  They suck- plain and simple.  You want to make this film better?  If so, then dub them over a la Lou Ferrigno and you've got a laughably-bad piece of Italian cheese.  As it is, it is about as deserving of a DVD release as my bootleg Shaolin Dolemite (Hi, Bob) DVD.  Sorry, Mr. Berryman...

Next up, let's take a look at something fun before we get dark.  It's a film about some guy name John dying in the End...or something.  Stay tuned...

Poor Bastards of Cinema: Horrible

A Video Nasty is going to be full of crazy death involving innocents.  In Horrible (aka 18 other titles), George Eastman is an immortal and invulnerable killer who goes off on a spree.  On his path, this random Janitor...

The man actually puts up a good fight, putting some bullets into Eastman.  He gets the business end of a saw for his troubles though!

So what is the point of killing this guy?  He doesn't offend anyone- simply doing his job in peace.  I do have to wonder why he's packing heat though!

Next up, a factory worker is killed off in an 'ironic' way.  Why so angry, Chucky?  Stay tuned...

Video Nasties: Horrible (aka 18 Other Titles I Won't List Here)

Well, Maynard, I took the bait!  In the last Project Terrible (Version 2.5 with me and Maynard Morrisey- of the titular Horror Diary), I gave him Horrible, a Joe D'Amato film that is a rip-off of Halloween.  He loved the movie, choosing to review the film that preceded it as well.  After his endorsement, I was curious and rented the movie from the-soon-to-be-renamed-Netflix.  How did I feel?  Well, before I answer that, let me give you a little back-story.  In 1980, D'Amato made Anthropophagous (aka Anthropophagous: The Beast, The Grim Reaper, Man Eater, The Savage Island and Zombie 7: The Grim Reaper).  The film was about a giant killer ('George Eastman') who kills some tourists on a Greek island and eats them.  A year later, this film was made.  It is known as Rosso Sangue (aka Horrible, Absurd, Anthropophagous 2, The Grim Reaper 2 and Zombie 6: Monster Hunter).  That's not a typo- the sequel is listed in some areas as coming before it.  Think that modern film titles can be confusing- that is nothing!  Will this film overcome the title confusion and actually win me over?  Will I stop stalling and get to it?  Yes, yes I will...

The DVD is nice enough to warn you that, in order to get a complete film, they compiled the film from two sources- an HD one and a VHS version.  Will it be apparent?

Either I just got a case of Sudden Cataracts Syndrome or this is a VHS print.  I sure hope that it's not like this for..

...and now we're back to HD.  How did this 20 seconds of footage only end up on VHS exactly?

Oh right- the plot.  Essentially, Eastman's killer arrives in...um, America, I guess and has a priest in pursuit of him (Edmund Purdom).  If you think that he's a lot like Dr. Loomis, you'd be correct.  Time to die, nurse!

Eastman pretty much just wanders around and kills people.  He's a mindless brute who kills people, but can't die.  Yea.

In one of my favorite goofs, the parents leave the kids (one of whom is paralyzed, by the way) and babysitter alone at night to watch a football game...which is clearly happening in the broad daylight.  Seriously, Joe?

Since this is a rip-off of Halloween, it does not bode well for the babysitter.  Instead of just killing her, he holds her head in a lit oven for several minutes.  I hope you like long, drawn-out takes- the ending is full of them.

Much like the invincible fighter from Master of the Flying Guillotine, Eastman can still have his eyes gouged out.  You're going for a Cyclops metaphor here, aren't you?

Of course, for all of his invincibility- due to nuclear fallout or something- he can still be killed by this little girl.  Can she keep it, movie- can she?!?  The End.

This is certainly not Terrible...but it's also not that good.  The plot of this film is kind of odd.  It's essentially Halloween, but with 'Loomis' as a Greek Orthodox Priest instead of a doctor.  Side note- Purdom is not in Anthropophagous, making his appearance here all the more confusing.  Adding to that is his character hiding that he's a Priest by holding his coat in front of his 'habit' for about half of the film.  Dude, just don't wear it!  Aside from that, the rest of the film's plot is odd and scattershot too.  We get some doctors and their plot, the family's plot, the babysitter- who also works at the hospital- and her plot and Eastman's random murders.  The film can't ever stay focused on one thing for too long.  ADD much, guys?  All of that said, the movie is not dull and I've certainly seen a lot worse.  With all of the hype and controversy surrounding the original film, it makes me really sad that it's currently OOP on Netflix/Quikster (that name hurts more than Syfy!).  I'll guess I'll have to make due with the 800 Joe D'Amato porn films available to rent instead.  I'll leave you with random stock footage played on a TV for no good reason...

Next up, I cover one of the 800 werewolf films starring Paul Naschy.  This one features murder, doctors and...Paul Naschy stock footage.  Stay tuned...