My Crazy Youth: That Time That The Ghostbusters Fought C(a)thulhu

While I was not allowed to watch this Show much as a kid, I can watch it now.  With the classic Show now Streaming on Netflix, I decided to pick one of the 3,000 Episodes (more like 100 or so) to cover.  Naturally, I picked...

The Necronomicon has come to NYC and is being shown at the Public Library.  When it is stolen, Ghostbusters are called in.

As a bonus, references!  Look that last one up, Internet- I did.

 ****

Naturally, a Cult has stolen it and plans to resurrect The Ancient One!

The Ghostbusters run across the Star Spawn and...run away.  Our Heroes!

To be fair, they are trained to fight Ghosts and not Elder creepies.

They find a lady who's an expert (and named after the Publisher of Lovecraft's Stories) and she helps them best a Shoggoth.

Ultimately, the secret to stopping Cathulhu comes from...an old Comic Book.  Why it is written in Cyrillic is anyone's guess.

The Cultists can't be stopped as they summon the creature...who is now red for some reason.

As they try to find a way to save the World, they ask a quotable question...

They manage to zap a Roller Coaster (as the creature rises at Coney Island) and lightning kills it.

I suppose that is better than the Aliens from Signs, but...not by alot.  The End.

Far more than a deep, dark evil.  This Episode is quite fun.  Early on, they set up the Story, but then make time to set up the Characters.  This is deep into the super-long 1st Season, so none of this is new.  The group all get nice little moments throughout this Episode.  With that out of the way, the Episode is chock full of references and Lore.  You get Star Spawns, a Shoggoth, some Cultists and the creature itself.  They sure have fun with the concept all around.  Having them randomly get forced to take the Subway to get to Coney Island though- what was the point?  I guess you could argue they had to balance out the legitimate scares (for kids) that they go for.  It just felt odd for me though.  It is a real fun Episode though and a good showcase for the Show as a whole.  Just because I'm a dick, here's the shot where they show the Necronomicon Story in the Newspaper.  For some reason, it is just random text about Instruments...

Damn fun stuff, even from a general non-fanboy.  The use of 'real' lore accentuates the feel of this Episode.

Quick Reviews: Rough Magik

Is Lovecraft finally being done justice on the small screen?  Today's Film is Rough Magik, although it is not really a Film.  It is actually the Pilot for a BBC Show...that never got made.  Been there, done that.  This is an extra level of obscurity though, as it is kind of hidden as part of an obscure H.P. Lovecraft Collection and not labeled especially well.  There is some dispute about this one online, as its Story is inspired by elements from a game, as opposed to being purely Lovecraft.  My point of view: if the game is based on Lovecraft to begin with, why make such a fuss?  In this Story, mysterious crimes related to Elder Gods are happening in England.  To get to the bottom of it, a secret group meets up with a man who may have some answers.  The results: strange.  To find out more about what you didn't know existed, read on...

The Film begins with a mother taking her kids to see a surprise- a statue of Cthulhu!

While they're looking at it, she kills them!

People as part of a Secret Society contact our hero and ask him questions about Sigils and Dreamers.

Instead of just asking him anymore, they drug him and make him tell the Story of how he first learned of Cthulhu Cultists...

He was working with the Military on an Island as a Specialist.  The men were suspicious of him...

After a group come back horribly shaken up, they go to a mysterious house.  A man shows up and they all freeze in place!

He has a Story to tell our hero.  Yes, a Story within a Story (within a Film Story).

He's an Ancient One who took over a human body to observe us and try to keep the forces of evil back with his Sigils.  Forces of evil like Cthulhu!

After that, he is killed by the Soldiers and the Story ends.  Back in the Present, the men talk about how many Dreamers are now appearing and how much work they have to do...  The End.

It is not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I don't hate it.  I like key aspects to it and am willing to forgive some of the bad ones.  The Film uses a slew of non-matching Military Footage early on, but that just feels like a budgetary thing.  Likewise, the Lighting is a bit off at times.  I get the impression that stuff like this would have been fixed if it was ever a Show.  Obviously, it wasn't, so I can see people still giving this film guff about it.  The Story here is a bit weirdly-structured, but I can see what it was going for.  Again- something to be ironed out in the future had it become a Show.  One thing I can give this one is that it feels more like a one-and-done Story than the other failed Pilots-turned-Movies did.  I do want to see more of this (although, it has been 14 years, so...), but don't feel as left hanging as I did with The Norliss Tapes, for one.  Given all I know about this one, it stands out as someone trying to make a new IP out of Lovecraft and doing a decent job at it.  With more money and work behind it, it could have turned out as something even better.  As it is, Rough Magik is a decent Pilot that is just a little odd.  Not as odd as this *completely-real* shot from the Film though...

A decent Film that really suffers from being just a Pilot.  It is almost more of a tease than anything else.

Loathe-craft?: Dagon

For once, the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft is happy.  Lovecraft has always held a devout following among some people ever since he started writing creepy works.  Full disclosure: my Dad is one of them.  Ever since his death, it seems like people have been trying to make a buck by adapting his works to film.  Seriously, IMDB lists 122 Films with Lovecraft listed as anything from 'Inspiration' to 'Based on the Works Of!'  Some of the movies have been good- The Last Lovecraft, The Call of Cthulhu- and some of them have been very, very bad- Cthulhu (2007).  The best person to keep Lovecraft's legacy intact, however, has always been Stuart Gordon.  The man is most famous for Re-Animator (based partly on Lovecraft's work), but also did From Beyond, a film that's gotten a bigger audience in the last few years, and Castle Freak (which I own).  As a curious aside, Gordon is from Illinois, which is also my Dad's home state.  Anyhow, he also made this 2001 film, which apparently was long in the works.  Some reports list Gordon as trying to get the film made as long ago as 1985!  The film is a loose adaptation of a Lovecraft tale of a Village that decides to worship a Great Old One to survive.  Would you want to visit that town?  Well, if you're in this movie, you don't really have a choice.  To find out how this film works when others have failed, read on...

Our hero has weird visions/dreams about this Mermaid lady and a mysterious city.  I'm sure this won't come up later.

Our hero is joined by his girlfriend and their two friends.  When the weather turns very bad, the pair go to a nearby island for help.  As for their friends, let's just say that fish can bit really hard!

The pair look for help, but don't find that the natives are exactly trustworthy.

Oh and Lovecraft fans will recognize our hero's sweater as being for Miskatonic University.  Nice.

I think that these people have been either worshipping Dagon or living under power lines.

Thanks to a seemingly-crazy man, our hero finds out the story of the Village.  Much like a certain Village in Wicker Man, the fish (or crops) stopped showing up (or growing) and they turned a little crazy to get things back to normal.

I kind of think that this guy was just waiting for a Cult to take over.  He seems like the type.

Our hero searches the Village to try and find his friends.  The people just want to be friends.

Friends eat each other's faces, right?

Something tells me that whatever this Cult has in mind, it's not going to end well.  Considering a guy got his face cut off in the last scene, let's just call it a hunch.

 I don't know what that weird CG thing is, but I don't think it is here to bake a cake.  You aren't, are you, Dagon?

To be honest with you, I don't want to SPOIL any of the film's Third Act Twists.  They're telegraphed a bit, but still well-done.  If you want to know what happens, watch the film.  The End.

It's nice to see one of these rare times that I don't have much to complain about.  Dagon is not a perfect film, but it does alot right.  It's biggest strength is its atmosphere.  It's not long before our hero is left alone in the Village.  He has no friends.  He has a huge group of people that want him dead.  What the film does well is to make you feel like he does.  When he's hiding and barricading himself in, you really feel like you are too.  Lovecraft tales are known for creating a sense of dread and desperation.  In that regard, the film works.  I also have to give props to pretty much all of the Actors.  Some of them- like our lead and the one Human left- stand out more, while others- like the best friends- do well in more simplistic roles.  The film's biggest weak point is the CGI used in the finale.  That said, it's on-screen for less than a minute and still doesn't look terrible.  What I will say as a nice counter-point is that the film is called Dagon and Dagon actually appears.  After 2007's Cthulhu, I'll take whatever I can get!  Hell, the Flash-rendered version from The Last Lovecraft is still better than nothing!  Like a lot of Gordon's films, the movie doesn't get nearly enough acclaim or credit.  Well, I'll give it that, at least.  The worst thing I can find is that amusingly-mistimed Screen Cap I took...

Up next, a two-part look at some B&W British Horror Gems.  This is one Village that won't disappoint you!  Stay tuned...

Mondo Bizarro's Top 5 Worst Films EVER (So Far)

To close out Anniversary Month, let's look at the Five worst films I've ever reviewed.  Why 5?  Because you can't handle 10, that's why!

Actually, it's just shorter and easier to write- sue me.

5. Cthulhu (2007): This one makes the list almost solely for two reasons: deception and disappointment.  First, the film is NOT about Cthulhu, nor is his/its name even said ONCE in the film.  Second, the film has almost zero horror.  Instead, it's mostly a mopey drama about this gay guy returning home.  If you like 20 seconds of make-up effects in 90 minutes of film, you're not going to love this shit!

4. Good-By Uncle Tom: Almost 4 years later, this thing still baffles me.  Seriously, the makers of Mondo Cane and Mondo Africa were accused of being racist (they kind of were) and faking footage (which they did).  To counter that, they made an intentionally-fake Documentary about their analogs visiting the Antebellum South and seeing the conditions of Slavery.  This 150 plus minute film is dark, bizarre and only features three different songs.  It's a bad movie endurance test!

3. Hobgoblins 2: I still have no idea why this movie exists!  Basically, the Director of the original took a Script that he claims to have written shortly after the first film came out- in 1987- and made it in 2009.  No, really.  His excuse: I was busy making other shitty movies.  The bigger problem is that this film is both a Remake and a Sequel...somehow at the same time.  It's a worse version of Hobgoblins- something that I never thought I'd see.

2. Jaws in Japan: Are you really surprised?  For as much as I hate Found Footage movies, most of them are better than this.  This film- released here as Psycho Shark- is about two busty Japanese ladies (good so far) going to a beach resort (with only one other person) and...watching someone's camera footage.  Seriously, 60 minutes is given to this.  The last five minutes (yes, the film is only 65 minutes long) are set-up for Japan's worst Special Effects ever (see the new banner).  This is amazingly-bad and would be #1 if it were not for...

1. Roller Gator: I made a terrible mistake.  After seeing a review of Max Hell: Frog Warrior, I tracked down this movie.  I thought that this film would be funny, since it's about a rapping Alligator puppet that was spray-painted purple.  Sadly, the film has a soundtrack that never EVER stops, is stupid and not even good for a laugh.  If they stopped playing that guitar for a second or two, I could laugh at the bad puppet work or Conrad Brooks' hilariously-bad acting.  I couldn't.  Don't be fooled- this one just hurts.

So that brings an end to Anniversary Month.  I look forward to more shit movies- and some good ones- in the future.  Keep reading and I'll keep writing.

A Review in Pictures: The Last Lovecraft- Relic of Cthulhu

Can you laugh at Lovecraft?  That is the question raised by today's film, an independent film from 2009.  The first thing to note is that this story is very accurate to the Cthulhu mythos- at least as far as I can tell.  There are a lot of films out there that get it right- 2005's The Call of Cthulhu- and there are a lot of films that get it wrong- 2007's Cthulhu.  There are a bunch of bland ones like Dagon as well, but they are not worth a lot of mention.  Where does this one fit?  Like I said, the filmmakers are clearly fans and mixed in the old with the new.  You get many familiar names and places, albeit mixed in a blender of modern disbelief a la Shaun of the Dead.  In fact, that's a pretty good- if hefty, for some- comparison to make.  This film manages to balance the tone throughout, however, giving it a slight edge for me.  I don't want to spoil too much of this film for you, so this is a, big shock, Review in Pictures.  As a side note, I've been meaning to do this review for about a month, so I hope you bear that in mind.  Get out your bleak, family pictures as we try to find...

* Right off the bat, we see the film begin at Miskatonic University.  You could have used yellow font or something, since you can barely read the name though...

* Two men are killed at sea- ironically, they appear to be a C-List Pegg and Frost- and one of them becomes Starspawn, Cthulhu's lead general.  His goal- unleash the Old One!

* Confronted by a man from the University, our hero is told a tale of Cthulhu's might.  This.  Is Awesome. In.  A.  Can!

* "I can kick more military ass than the Decepticons," says Cthulhu, driving all those in range mad.

* Hey look, fish monsters in a Cthulhu film.  As a bonus, it's not a dream!!!

* Their only hope is to be joined by this Brian Posehn-looking guy.  The world is screwed!

* A sea captain in the desert- why not?!?  He's a surprising hero, which is what they need right now.

* That giant squid monster is tearing the place apart.  You should probably do something.  Oh yeah, save the world too.

* In an Epilogue, our heroes journey to a set of famous Mountains.  I hope they find Guillermo Del Toro there!  The End.

A movie that actually cares about the source material- GASP!  The plot of this movie is silly, fun and actually kind of neat.  It's simple- Cthulhu is waiting to be unleashed and only one guy can stop him.  The idea hinges upon a unique aspect of being in Lovecraft's bloodline, hence the character's importance.  The film does a good job of actually explaining all of this, as opposed to that other Cthulhu film which never explained a damn thing!  One key thing is that the movie is a mix of horror and comedy.  As someone who really does not like horror-comedies- i.e. Severance, The Cottage- I can tell you that this film is good.  The balance is struck just right, making the situation still seem dire at the right times and making you laugh at the right times.  Is it perfect?  No.  It would be nice to see some of the digital effects done better, although the suits and masks look great.  If you like Lovecraft, you owe it to yourself to check out this movie.  It shows that people with a small budget, a dream and heart can make something good.  If I can help get this film more exposure, I'll be quite happy.

Next up, The Asylum is back to haunt my dreams in the first of 6 movies this month!  First up, there's Snakes on a Train- sigh.  Stay tuned... 

Likecraft: The Call of Cthulhu (2005) + Something I missed

Before I step away completely from the debacle that was the 2007 film Cthulhu, I need to add something that I forgot in my haste to get the review up. According to the Wikipedia page on the film, they made some rather curious promotional material. The strangest is a fake interview with H.P. Lovecraft himself done in an old newsreel style. See it here if you would like. While I will give them a point for creativity and a point for style, I will also deduct 6,000,000,000 for any implied consent/interest by the long-dead author. If you are not even going to attempt to do his stories right, do not pretend that he would endorse them!

*

Today's film stands in stark contrast to the previous one due to two things: creativity and love of the source material. What a concept! It is a low-budget film that has made its way onto DVD somehow. I don't know the means, but I'm glad that it happened. This is the concept behind it in a nutshell: Lovecraft lived during the Silent Era (he died in 1937), so they made a film in the style that would have been made during his lifetime. It is like how a lot of Stephen King's first films are very '80s or Michael Crichton's works are very '70s. Without further ado, I bring you...

The Call of Cthulhu

Our story begins with a group of sailors discovering a mysterious ship in the ocean after a storm. It is abandoned, save for one dying man. They help him and hear a tale about some treasure on a nearby island. The narrative jumps to a professor who gets a letter about his great-uncle's death. He shows up and hears a strange tale of ancient power and a mysterious book. He is warned not to investigate, but, like every literary protagonist, he ignores the warning. The ensuing night he is haunted by bad dreams- maybe he should have listened.

*

This is a short film (47 minutes), so I'm going to be a bit more brief here than usual. The sailors end up on the island and investigate it. After a little while, they are alerted by a thunderous sound. A dark shadow emerges and they all flee down the giant rocks. The beast reveals itself as...Cthulhu. The Deep Old One is angry and hungry, neither of which proves too good for our heroes. One of them makes it back to land, but is not entirely sane anymore. Can you blame him?

*

There is a bit more to the film, but I won't spoil it for you. The key to the review is to state that the film is a loving rendition of the story with only a few changes here and there. Plus, Cthulhu himself makes an appearance, which is impressive even in stop-motion form. A true Cthulhu done by someone like Guillermo Del Toro still eludes us...for now. You have to be in a weird state of mind for films like this and the remake of The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari, another film that blends updated effects with love for the source material. If you can accept that the filmmakers intentionally made a silent film in sepia, you can have a good time. Hell, web icon The Spoony One does- the poster makes an appearance on his wall in nearly all of his older videos (he recently moved and redecorated). Rent and enjoy.

*

Up next, a bad action film from the 1970s that pretends to be a sequel. This should be interesting. Stay tuned...

Hatecraft: Cthulhu (2007)

I would feel bad for H.P. Lovecraft having his works turned into crappy movies over the years were it not for one fact. If you ever read up on his life, so many worse things have already happened! I just hope his estate is getting something out of this, because I am sure not. Today's subject is the most recent big-screen...err, direct-to-DVD adaptation of his writings. It is also the worst one that I have ever seen. I add that caveat in case someone has made a shitty version of Dagon with plush toys (watch me be right too) that I have not seen. The problem with this movie is the same one that The Asylum's Vampires vs. Zombies has: it promises so much and delivers nothing. You don't invoke the name of the Elder God unless you can back it up! Let's see what they have got in...

Our story begins with an older man returning to his old New England home that he has not been to in years. I know, it's gets scary right from the get-go. The trip home is not a friendly one, as it is for his mother's funeral. The man left home long ago because he came out as gay. If you think that this is a riveting plot point, then you are in luck. The movie hammers home the whole 'family discomfort' thing in for nearly half the movie. We get one awkward dinner scene where the movie sets up the main plot of the family's misdeeds. This is followed by a riveting scene of him being sad in his hotel room. At least we aren't getting a shot of him looking out a rain-covered window- god dammit! We get some shots of the town and some curious bits with him interacting with locals. He gets a mysterious note from a liquor store employee to meet him, but she then acts scared when he tries to pick her up to do so. In one of the movie's most laughably-bad moments, he practically yells that he would not rape her because he is gay. Too subtle!

We get more hints about the town being weird, but the movie is still a bit too obsessed with 'family strife' scenes. After a hint from the liquor store lady, he tries to find out about a mysterious book. He talks to a historian in town, who is paralyzed from the waist down. He is married to a lusty woman played by- I kid you not- Tori Spelling. What is your 90210 star doing in my Lovecraft movie?!? To make things even dumber, we get a scene of him talking to her in front of a polar bear tank! It only gets worse when our hero comes back to the woman's house and she drugs him. In the movie's second funniest-f0r-all-the-wrong-reason scene, the woman rapes our gay hero. I am at a loss for words. The only thing that saves this part- somewhat- is the use of realistic shots of the New England coast. You don't have more of this, why? They get closer to explaining the plot of the film when a gay Romance sub-plot rears its head. I'm not homophobic in any way (why should I care what you do?), but this serves zero purpose! We believe that the character is Gay without you having him lie in bed post-coitus with someone(they show nothing, so don't worry, Utah). The only payoffs for this scene is a dream sequence with the only monsters of the movie and the death of said guy.

In wrap-up, the movie just gets dumber. The guy discovers a video-will by his mother which talks vaguely (still!) about the father's misdeeds. He goes to an auction of her stuff, but gets arrested by the cops. Something weird happens in town and everyone vanishes. Our hero escapes prison and runs to the beach. He discovers that the whole town is part of a cult and wants to him to sacrifice someone to their God. This is the goddamn Wicker Man! Show me Cthulhu already! The film ends with him apparently turning evil...for some reason. The End!

This movie is a big, giant lie. Like The Gardener, it builds and builds towards nothing. On top of that, the movie moves with the pace of a glacier.  Mind you, the less-than-stellar 2001 film based on Dagon was full of creature shots and had an Elder God appear at the end. Sure, it was a dated CG effect, but it was there! I have to say it again: Tori Spelling.  What the hell is she doing in this movie? I would rather see any other actress in the world appear here.  Avoid this movie and just watch the original Wicker Man.  I'm going to quit before I punch my screen now.

Up next, a counterpoint review. A film about Cthulhu that actually has him in it. Stay tuned...