Tubi Thursday: Robowar (1988)

 As a celebration for my weekly streaming, let's look at an infamous rip-off Film.  Will adding Reb Brown make anything better?

A group of men are sent out to clear an Island of hostiles.  At least, that's what they are told.

Their actual mission- take out a robotic killer.

If you need it done, you might as well bring in BAM aka Bad-Ass Motherf#@kers.

Speaking of BAM, who else could pull off this belly-top but Reb Brown?

Nobody- that's who!

The sort-of titular Robot has been taking out Soldiers during the credits.

Of course, most of them is just overexposed shots of explosions from Strike Commando (also with Reb Brown).

Sadly, this guy is more like the original Predator and not the final product.

Our Soldiers don't know what they are in for, but they will still kick lots of ass.

And yes, Reb will scream while firing a gun.  
It's in the Contract.

Can they stop this Robot killing, well, machine?

Will they follow Predator beat for beat?

I mean, obviously...but you should still see how this '80s Cult Classic plays out.

It's...kind of very dumb.

A dumb Film that sometimes tries to be more.  Robowar is a knock-off of Predator.  Let's be honest and direct now.  If you didn't have one, you wouldn't have the other.  Does that immediately make this Film bad?  No, but it certainly sets the bar nice and low for it.  Rip-offs like this can only be so good.  That said, you can have some fun with this one.  When it isn't padded with long Scenes of walking through the Jungle, you can laugh at the absurdity here.  The Leads are in a group called the Bad-Ass Motherf#@kers.  They love to do the 'yell and fire machine guns' bit. 

They rip-off Predator, but don't quite get why it works.  When Billy stays behind to fight the Predator and dies off-screen, it's dramatic.  When his Italian equivalent does the same, we see the Robot walk up with his gun and just shoot him.  I mean, yeah, why would you stand there with your knife when you see him walk up with his gun, moron?!?  Many of these guys go out like morons, like the last few victims who walk right up the creation (see above) and just get killed.  Silly people.  

Reb and the Writer (coming this fall to ABC) try to randomly milk some drama here as we awkwardly-learn who the Robot is partly-made of.  It's...too little too late.  If you like Predator, check this out.  

If you like dumb Action Films, check this out.  If you can't stand a blatant rip-off, look elsewhere like these guys did...

A pretty infamous rip-off that manages to be just silly enough to work.  It's dumb as rocks, so just bear that in mind.

Quick Reviews: Yor- The Hunter From the Future

According to Wikipedia, this Film came out (in Italy) just 5 days after I was born.  As such, we share a kinship.  So when Rifftrax got involved, it was time to watch this one again...

In a dangerous, prehistoric World, beauty and fear co-exist in a dangerous dance.  Who can tame it?

Yor!  Just listen to his Theme Song- it's his World and he's 'the man!'

He battles evil Cavemen, romances a Tabula Rasa Hottie and adventures with...the same old man from Strike Commando(?!?).  Who said that these Films were made cheaply again?

Slowly but surely, Yor learns some secrets about his past that will change everything!

It's not a SPOILER to show the sci-fi element.  After all, every Poster made for America does!

Will he save the day?  Will the Film end inconclusively due to this being more of a set-up to a Mini-Series that wasn't made than a Film?  Is this hilarious?

To find out, watch the Film- with or without Rifftrax (or both!).

I love this silly little gem.  I'm not the first person to tell you about Yor right?  It's not even new to me- I watched it years ago.  With Rifftrax putting the track/Film combo out recently (and me having a credit), I went back and re-watched it.  It still holds up.  It's still stupid as hell.  It's still pretty nonsensical.  The Poster is like 80% lie.  Hell, they don't even have Reb's proper hair on it!  He's not from the Future.  He's barely even a Hunter.  He is Yor and it is his World though- that's just set in stone!  Speaking of stone, they try to make this look like the Stone Age.  Stuck the landing!  Seriously, the Film spends 80% of the runtime acting like this is just straight Fantasy.  Granted- the Italian Title was Yor's World (translated).   We seem to be the Country behind the Subtitle and confusingly-SPOILER-but-not-really Poster I used over here in America.  This is based on a Book BTW.  How are so many Films that don't look like they should be based on Books- like Beaks, Slugs and Bug (by William Castle)- actually based on them?!?  Never mind The Meg!  While I know that it is sacrilege to say it, I'd liked to see a big-screen Remake of this with like $40-50 million behind it- provided you get a good Director.  That said, the original is almost an anti-classic.  It's so bad that it's good!  You can watch this for cheap- the older DVDs or VHS- or shiny and new- like the Blu-Ray Special Edition.  Speaking of which, nice to see you again, Reb!

Basically a ridiculous Film made by a talented Director with no inhibitions.  It is silly, stupid and just plain amazing!

Cover Art Special: Bipolar Film Poster Pair

I talked about Strike Commando a long, long time ago.

It's promotional Poster is pretty infamous (for all of the right reasons).

This is a refresher...

Here's the thing though- there's an alternate Version for the Asian Markets.  For some reason, they change one little thing in a big way...

...um, did he get a lobotomy?

How can he look so disinterested with all of this going on AND that improbable gun?!?

Two Posters.
One Film.
Zero Consistency.

Holiday Awesome Cover Art: Strike Commando

Have you hugged a Veteran today?  I hugged like three, but they didn't appreciate me tackling them first.

In honor of their service, here's a man who did his part in (movie) wars: Reb Brown...

How can you NOT want to see that movie?  That is bad-ass!

So, pay some respects to those that have served in honor of our Country.

If not, I'll send Reb out to convince you.

Yeah, I thought so.

Brown Note: Cage

Another day, another Reb Brown movie. In the 80s, this guy was a machine! Now, well I covered that at the end of Strike Commando's review. Going from Space Mutiny to producing Pinocchio in the Hood is still a notable step down. Today's film is one of the movies made during his 'good' period. Translation: it's not a Bruno Mattei film! That's not to say that this is a particularly good movie, but it is not made by that Italian hack. Instead, it was made by Lang Elliot, who went on to make...Cage II. Good to know that he has made one film in 20 years, which still gives him a better track record than Terrence Mallick. As a bonus, the movie stars Lou Ferrigno, who dares to increase his acting range. Mind you, it started extremely low, so it is a barely-noticeable change. Before I start doing steroids, let's jump right into my review of...

Our film begins with Lou and Reb as part of a group of soldiers in Vietnam. Oh, excuse me, it is actually Viet Nam in this film. Before you ask, this is not a sequel to Strike Commando, as awesome as that would be. Reb gets a chance to show off his kung-fu moves during the big escape, but Lou ends up getting shot in the head during the escape. Following a silly montage, we learn that Mr. Hulk is now brain-damaged and in the care of Reb Brown. Given his penchant for yelling, I would not want him as my 'adult figure.' We cut to ten years later (despite our heroes looking the same) & see that they are running a bar. Their head waitress looks like the cliched one from every diner in the Southwest, by the way. In our second story, a pair of businessmen are losing money in an underground fighting club. The 'douchey' owner pushes them for money after their fighting is killed by the champion (former pro-wrestler Tiger Chung Lee). The same night, the pair go into a bar on the same night that some dumb thugs (including Lorenzo Lamas' sidekick from 'Renegade') start a fight in the bar. One ass-kicking later and the pair proposition Reb to fight. He says 'no' and i'm sure that it will just end there.

Okay, I was wrong. The pair hire the thugs to fire-bomb the bar, in order to force our heroes to need money. They don't check the doors, which leads to our minor character of the waitress dying! No, not you, person whose name never registered! Reb gets in trouble, but does not give up. This pushes the pair to finally go after the man's mentally-handicapped friend, who looks like Scott Steiner circa 1990. They convince him that they are his friends and that he should 'wrestle.' We learn that the man is freaky strong, as if that was not clear by his giant chest and arms. By the way, how is he smart enough to do steroids like that? We are also introduced to a third plot involving a woman who is investigating the fighting ring. Not much happens with it until the third act, so let's just move on. Lou goes to the fighting area, but is greeted by a dropkick from the man in the cage. One awkward fight- and no Hulking out- later, our hero is bruised, but successful. The angry fighting ring owner forces him to fight again, which is not exactly what he wants to do. Reb, in contrast, is being decidedly violent. He finds out the identity of the arsonists and chases them down, stopping to shoot up a bar first. After shooting several of them in cold-blood, he confronts the main culprit, who talks about how he feels bad. Moments later, Reb lights him on fire. My hero?

Reb finally finds his friend, but gets captured moments later. What- you couldn't empty out your S.A.W. first? Another businessman shows up, as well as his bodyguard Danny Trejo, and makes a wager or two of his own. In a bit of incidental dialogue, he outs one of the men as a cop. Could you guys make your plot points let's convenient and ridiculous please? Trapped in a room, Reb, the reporter (I told you it would matter in the third act) and the newly-revealed cop set a trap for the guard. This involves burning some of their clothes- including the woman's pants- and breaking free. Lou manages to defeat the cage-fighting champion after a blow to his head awakens his killer instinct. Angered even more, the owner demands a third fight! Lou actually manages one tiny bit of legitimate acting before Reb goes in for the final fight. By the way, my favorite kung-fu movie cliche gets used here: the last minute introduction of a new villain (see Dragon Tiger Gate and The Dragon Lives Again). In a fairly short fight, Reb beats the Eastern Champion (who just hangs around at all times for such an occasion). I know what you are wondering and, yes, he does yell a lot in this one scene. The ratio is one yell for every punch. A big shoot-out ensues, which includes the death of both businessmen, in spite of one of thing actually being nice. Every bad guy dies and our heroes get rich...until the sequel. The End.

This movie is not great, but certainly not on par with some other Reb Brown movies. That's about the most conditional and back-handed endorsement of all time, isn't it? Seriously though, there is a semblance of a competent action movie here and Lou is surprisingly-good at times here. Reb, meanwhile, flexes and shoots people. On the plus side, he wears a shirt for at least 80% of the movie. All of the supporting actors are sadly under-written and vastly under-acted. The only notable actor on this end is Al Leong, who most of you will know as the lead henchman from Action Jackson and Genghis Khan in Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure. Of course, his role is incredibly-minimal, which is a description that does not fit his giant mustache. You could do far worse than this movie, but you could also do a lot better. If they ever decide to release the sequel, you know that I'll watch it (along with Strike Commando 2).

It's been too long since I last talked about Dolph Lundgren, so let's correct that, shall we? As a bonus, this film is by a competent director...not that it shows here. Stay tuned...

Rip-Off Theater: Strike Commando

Listen Bruno, just because you died in 2005 (R.I.P.) does not mean that I'm going to pull my punches. You made a career off of re-titling your movies as mainstream film sequels, so I have no reason to be nice. Today's feature is one of his collaborations with one of Hollywood's biggest screamers: Reb Brown. The man is famous for his angry yelling in such films as Space Mutiny and Robowar (also by Mattei) & his large physique. In fairness, he did have other qualities...that I will think of later. Today's movie is pretty much a showcase for both of those, not to mention Mattei's love of historical inaccuracy. It is chock full of shooting, explosions and manly-action. I should also mention that it is terrible. That said, let's jump right into...

Strike Commando

The film begins with our hero leading a commando unit on a mission. Character introductions- screw that! The whole thing goes pretty well, unless you count the one guy who fails his stealth roll and gets shot, but they seem to take too long. A nearby military commander worries about them taking too long & sets off the explosives that they had already set there. Wait- why are you sending the Strike Commando team (yes, it's their name) in if you already set explosives in there? Anyhow, Reb tries to get his remaining men out, but the progressive series of explosions takes out all but our hero. Nice knowing you, reason for the title of the movie that has no meaning. Reb floats face-first down the river as the credits roll, apparently not drowning during this long journey. He ends up in a Vietnamese village who want him to be their hero. He refuses to kill a soldier- in spite of the chief's pleading whilst in white-face- but changes his tune a moment later when the old village chief from Yor (also starring Reb) talks to him. By the way, hearing the obviously Italian actor dubbed in as French- priceless.

*

Our hero manages to lead the villagers to safety, save for one minor snag: the bad guys showing up. In the build-up, he makes a new friend in the tough-talking Lao and describes Disneyland as a place where 'popcorn grows on trees.' I love how quickly this film seems to venture into self-parody, although it does take my sting away a bit. We get some action and a scene of the 'French' man being killed by an evil Russian. Thanks for the cameo, beard-guy. We get some random action scenes, including a bit where Reb goes shirtless to dump some grenades on a gun-boat. You needed to do that part, why? Oh and his dramatic 'Rambo' moment comes when he puts...his shirt back on. We get even more randomness during the 'stealth kill' montage. In one quick bit, Reb is suddenly wearing a ghillie suit and then not wearing one. I guess he used the Superman phone booth in the jungle for that. He saves the day and is returned to the military base...but the movie is still going. They plan to make Reb into the hero that America needs to help win the Vietnam War, since apparently Rin-Tin-Tin was already booked. By the way, thanks for the help winning, Reb. He gets sent back into action, but quickly discovers that his rescue has not 'stuck.'

*

In one of the film's most heart-warming- and terrible- scenes, Reb shows up in time to talk to the dying 'Short Round,' apparently only being moved by his death and not the others. He rehashes the ridiculous bit about Disneyland, but does so while crying. I was crying too, but not in the way that the film intended. He takes out his rage properly by emptying the entire ammo content of a S.A.W. into a hut...and immediately being captured by thugs that just appear. Seriously, this is ridiculous even by Bruno Mattei logic! He befriends a fellow P.O.W. who delivers radio addresses against the troops, since he has broken under torture. Reb tries to encourage 'John McCain,' but only receives torture for his good deeds. The Russians- by the way, there are Russians helping the North Vietnamese here- decide to kill their tool after the torture montage (we get the 'pouring away water' scene, don't worry) and leave his dead body in Reb's tent. This makes him mad- shocking- and he manages to muster up enough manliness to escape. He blows away many nameless soldiers and extras & kidnaps the lone Russian woman. This leads us to the big fight between Reb and the Russian (who is clearly from Manilla). YouTube does this scene justice as no other website could. The scene abruptly cuts to 'The End of the War' and has a good general explain that the bad one (the guy who blow up Reb's friends) got away. Kind of a down-beat ending, but I can live with it. The...

*

Apparently, we have more movie. In a curious third act, Reb flies to Manilla (where the film was actually shot) and tracks down the general. Reb gunning down people outside of war would be bad if they were not all carrying AK-47s themselves. He blows up the General with his grenade launcher attachment and walks off into the...oh wait, the Russian is back, now with metal teeth. Reb kills 'Jaws' and delivers an ending line to us about how any similarity to people living or dead is a coincidence. Huh? The End.

*

Holy shit, this movie is hilariously bad. Where to begin? Reb yells all the damn time, flexes even more and acts in maybe three scenes. The whole monologue about Disneyland's mountains of cotton candy and wish-granting genies really just seals the deal. You want more? How about a battle that is at least 50% Vietnam War stock footage? How about Reb's running headbutt against the villain? This movie is the epitome of ridiculousness and demands to be seen. In fact, for once, here is how you can see it. Watch this piece of shit already and enjoy. By the way, here's a fun fact for you: Reb's female co-star in Space Mutiny is also his wife now. Eww, now I can't help but picture that. Plus, he works for a company that makes low-budget films and 'Dorf' movies. Oh, how the low have fallen...even further than making Bruno Mattei films and science-fiction rip-offs filmed in South Africa.

*

Up next, fear the muscular power of acting as Reb Brown teams up with Lou Ferrigno in a film about cage-fighting, Viet_nam & traumatic brain injuries. Stay tuned...

Repeat Offenders: Reb Brown

When you watch crap all the time, a lot of the same people just keep popping up. You begin to wonder why. Then you realize that it is because they just suck. At that point, you laugh at them. Here is one such example...

Reb Brown

Even the guy's name is kind of dumb. What the hell is 'Reb' anyways? Is it like 'Rev' if you have a lisp? Anyhow...

This man has a litany of bad movies to his credit. He started off with this gem, where he turned my favorite comic book character into, well, this...
He followed that up with his own barbarian movie a la Conan or Krull. This one is called Yor, Hunter from the Future. It is as dumb as it sounds. He also wears this...
We also cannot forget that he is in one really bad sequel- The Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf. This is probably the highest point of his career, which is as sad as it sounds...The name should be more clear now though. He was in Space Mutiny, a bad film that dared to steal special-effects from 'Battlestar Galactica." Of course, most of us will recognize the film this way...