Project Terrible 9: Die

Let's start off the Terrible with...the pretentious.  Today's film is Die, a film that I was not aware of.  I just watched a film featuring Edgar Allen Poe IV yesterday, but I hadn't heard of this one.  So is it good?  That's certainly up for debate, I suppose.  The story is Saw-inspired, but necessarily a rip-off.  To be fair, it's not like Jigsaw was the first avant garde killer in history.  That said, it's hard to imagine this film idea getting off the ground without the Saw film series doing so well.  They were smart enough to get this film out before it lost all momentum and had its third trilogy cut short due to seriously-diminishing returns!  The film is about a mysterious person- not Jigsaw- who kidnaps people and forces them to decide their fates based on the roll of a die.  Get it- the title of the film is a play on words?!?  GET IT?!?  Yeah, this is the quality of Writing behind the title, so let's hope it didn't infiltrate the film.  The movie has a couple of stars, but the only one who has a real part here is Elias Koteas.  If you can't get someone like John Malkovich, settle for Elias Koteas.  I kid, I kid.  I like the guy- honest.  To find if this film is Terrible or not, read on...

Stephen McHattie- from Pontypool- appears in the Intro and instructs his son to roll a die.  Afterwards, he makes him leave and loads that many bullets in a gun and shoots himself.  Bye, most recognizable Actor in the film!

After twenty-odd minutes of 'Let's randomly introduce all of the characters'- including a crooked cop, a gambling addict and a dirty Author- they all wake up in small cells and get confronted by a man who makes them roll a die to determine their fates.

On the plus side, the mastermind isn't wearing a pig mask.

A mysterious man- famous 'That Guy' John Pyper Ferguson- appears in Flashbacks with the people in the cells.  This is supposed to be really interesting...but it didn't do much for me.

Who is this man?  What are his motivations?  How exactly did he pull this off?  All questions to ask, certainly.

You know what makes me really dislike a pretentious movie?  Title cards like this.  Holy Southland Tales, Batman!

To be honest with you, I gave up on this movie about 2/3 of the way through it.  It's all bleak, brown and pretentious.  People stuck in a dank room talking about their lives- pass.  The End.

Am I lazy or just skipping the inevitable?  To be honest, there's nothing Terrible about this movie- at least in a technical sense.  It's shot well, lit well and just generally looks well.  Granted- they shot brown, ugly rooms in HD, but whatever.  There's nothing really horrible here- just unpleasant.  The film is pretty dark and none of the characters are likable.  I didn't really care about these people and their deaths are meaningless to me.  On the plus side, there's not a ton of pointless gore, nudity or the like.  The flip side is that none of that is around to distract me.  I'm just stuck with dull people in brown rooms talking about life and death.  Nurse Lady saying that 'God is judging them' was the last straw for me.  It's just too much like Bear, sorry.  If you're into 'deep' films with 'serious messages' about morality and all that stuff, you'll probably like this more than I did.  On the scale of Project Terrible films, it's decent.  On the scale of films of which I actually give a shit, it's pretty low.  It doesn't have Pot Zombies, so we'll see how it fares in the long run.  In the meantime, just think like Stephen here...

Up next, a look at a film about Sharks that is not exactly set in the water.  Oh and Brooke Hogan is back- as a Scientist, no less!  Stay tuned...

Wrapping Things Up: Cyborg 2

I'm definitely reviewing it this time!  When I attempted to wrap up some series' last month, I failed to do one thing: review Cyborg 2.  Yeah, I somehow missed this one.  Let's amend that right now.  If you have any channel that shows movies, you've probably seen Cyborg 2 at least 30 times.  Seriously, I hope the actors like Elias Koteas are getting residuals- but I doubt it.  In fact, Koteas' work is often not remembered in this film, even though he plays a good guy for one of the few times he had played a good guy up until this point in his career.  Obviously, one actor gets the lion's share of the attention in regards to this movie.  If you don't know yet, do a Google Image search for 'Cyborg 2' and see what comes up.  Is the film the more-competent and less-boring of the trilogy?  Will the Cyborg actually be a big part of the film this time, as opposed to a plot device?  Will Malcolm McDowell make a pointless cameo?  To find out, read on...

Let's be honest- there's one thing to know about this movie: it stars Angelina Jolie.

Other than that, there's not a lot to say.  The plot involves an evil corporation, an old scientist and a man caught in the middle of the action.  Nothing new or unique.

However, it does feature a likely-under-18 Jolie flipping, shooting guns and just generally flashing those massive lips.  Need I say more?

That's enough for me!  I'm being honest here when I say that there's not much to say about Cyborg 2.  It's amazingly-generic and just exists to sell videos.  Is there a deep message here?  Let me put it this way: it features Jack Palance as a suicide bomber.  Still wondering?  I didn't think so.  Let me say this as well: Cyborg 2 is a fun movie.  It's nothing special, but it features Angelina Jolie as a flipping Cyborg who fires sub-machine guns.  It's Direct-to-Video fluff- plain and simple.  If you're stuck in bed or just want something to do, scan any of your movie channels- even the non-HBO/Cinemax/Showtime ones- and watch this movie.  Given the time it was released, I'm sure that you can find it on DVD for about $1 in any Wal-Mart or Target too.  If you haven't seen it yet, you're missing out.  Don't make Palance mad now...

Up next, the final film of January is a cult classic.  Will it outperform it's under-budget and odd sequels?  Stay tuned...