(Ego) Force of July: The Girl Hunters

You're so vain.  You probably think that this character is actually you.  Today's film is The Girl Hunters, one of the many Mike Hammer adaptations.  Why is it a Fourth of July review though?  Well, I have my reasons.  For one thing, it's a Mike Hammer adaptation, making it one of the works by iconic American Writer Mickey Spillane.  Secondly, the film also stars Mickey Spillane.  Yes, he has five Acting Credits to his name- one as himself, two as the lawyer from the Mommy films, one on Columbo and this-, so he's a natural fit to play Mike Hammer.  So the other reason for my reviewing this is clear- it also represents American hubris.  Don't get me wrong- I'm a proud American.  The fact remains: we like to do things just because we can.  That often leads to good things- like the Steam Engine-, but it often leads to bad things too- like the Double-Down Sandwich.  To put this film into perspective, imagine if Michael Crichton cast himself as Doctor Alan Grant in Jurassic Park.  Imagine if Stephen King cast himself as Jack Torrance in The Shining.  Imagine if William Peter Blatty cast himself as Father Merrin in The Exorcist.  To see how this exercise in 'why the hell not?!?' turns out, read on...

Mike Hammer has been a drunk loser for a while.  He's pulled out of 'retirement' to question a dying criminal who will only talk to him.

The man tells Hammer some information that leads him on the trail of the killer of his old Captain.  This super close-up shows how serious the whole thing is.

For all of the people who talked about how Brandon Routh in Superman Returns looking like 'a kid playing dress-up,' I point you to this: Spillane dressing up like one of his characters.

Hammer is on the case which is *yawn* kind of generic and listless.  I'm just going to skip ahead, if you don't mind.

Hammer finally finds the bad guy and engages him in a fight.  This fight actually has a guy credited as 'Staging' it.

I mention this because the worn-out, Pan-and-Scan print available on YouTube is nearly impossible to watch in motion.  Good for you, Fight Staging Guy!

As it turns out, the Blond in a Detective Story is a bad guy.  I'm shocked.

In a dark Ending, some Chekov's Gun in the form of Explosive Shells comes back.  The woman fires the gun, but the kick apparently 'takes her head off' (as he warned her).  That faces says it all.  The End.

Oh boy.  This film is not really terrible, but it is also not easy to recommend either.  To begin with, it's not easy to come by.  You can't just walk into a Target and buy it (as far as I know).  Secondly, it's not exactly the best print going around.  So, in summary, you have to go over a few hurdles to watch a really rough print of a so-so movie.  Is it worth it?  That's for you to decide.  What I will say that the movie is pretty 'paint by numbers' and Spillane isn't that compelling of a lead.  He's not the worst Actor Author out there, but he's clearly just trying.  He never 'embodies' the character for me.  He makes the Character just another gritty Detective trying to solve a case.  If you like these kind of rare films, check it out.  It's on YouTube (somewhat officially), so it's not too hard to watch.  You'll just have to make due with this super-dark and often-blurry print though.  Funny face to close it out...

Next up, Bob returns with some completely-incomprehensible film.  After a year delay, will he be able to explain it?  Stay tuned...

That's my Momma!: Mommy II- Mommy's Day

Hug your Mom and hide this movie!  You may recall that I did the 1995 Thriller Mommy on Mother's Day last year.  It was a film about a Mom killing people who she thought were getting in the way of her young daughter's success.  It wasn't good.  However, it was notable for casting the same lady who was the evil kid in The Bad Seed as the Mother.  That's pretty much the whole gimmick here.  In spite of that, they made a sequel.  Considering that there is a Leprechaun remake in the works, anything is possible!  This sequel follows the original, but takes a few odd turns throughout to make it, well, weird.  To find out more about this curious sequel, read on...

Before I get to the plot, I have to mention that famous Author Mickey Spillane is back as the titular Mother's lawyer.  Why?  What did you have to gain, Mickey?

Anyhow, the titular Mother is about to executed, but makes an escape attempt through the sillies of off-camera hijinks.  Things go awry when she's shot...or do they?

By getting her execution delayed, the Mother gets herself signed up for an experimental procedure to curb violent behavior.  This gets her set free, but she still can't see her daughter.

Say good-bye to Spillane and the original film's Detective- who has a stroke- here.  They didn't sign up for more than Cameos, apparently.

While our villain/heroine wants to be near her daughter- who she tried to kill in the last film-, people and situations get in the way.  This leads to a series of murders, including the beating death of an Ice Skating Coach...

The combo of a fallen light/heel to the eye of a TV Producer- who blindsides the Mother on his show- and...

This lady in the shower, who instinctively catches a Stereo thrown in.  It's the same logic as the Van Daminator...and a little bit sillier.

Despite all evidence to the contrary, the woman claims innocence.  Her sister- yeah, right- doesn't believe her.  But...

She's actually not guilty...of most of the murders.  It's actually an elaborate scheme by the TV Show Host from earlier and the Sister's Husband- who got rich on a book about the original killings- to create a sequel book.

Get it- a sequel just to make money?  Ha ha.

After disposing of the guilty party and proving her innocence, the Mother is returned to her daughter.  Of course, it's pretty clear that she killed the lady in the shower and her sister is just waiting for her opportunity to prove it.

This is the final film, so that build-up is for nothing.  Oh well.  The End.

I suppose there is some merit here.  Here's the thing: the twist ending is the only really interesting thing about it.  I guess I have to give them credit for playing with the audience's expectations.  That said- the whole thing seems silly.  The guy was already set with the first book and there's no hint that he NEEDS to do a second one.  Furthermore, they muck up this angle by having the sister of a victim from the previous film try to work with the husband, who promptly turns her down.  What was the point of that?  Was it just to make things more confusing?  It really messes with the idea of who is good and who is bad too.  For example, the woman has a good reason to be mad- the Mother killed her Sister and was never charged with the crime!  Why then is she suddenly an evil woman trying to make money?  I guess you could argue that it makes for a more complex tale, but I just feel confused by the whole thing.  It's just another example of one of those little things that the movie gets wrong.  I should also mention that the movie has the feel of a cheap, TV movie- which it is.  That's not the worst thing in the World, but it does hurt the film.  Instead of watching crap like this, how about you do something more constructive?  What do you think, evil Author Husband?

Next up, Project Terrible begins another round with a boring, boring film.  Vincent Gallo in space- the horror!  Stay tuned...

That's My Momma! : Mommy (1995)

Save the drama for this momma!  I didn't want to go the obvious route for Mother's Day (that being Mommy Dearest or Grace), so I tried to think outside the box.  Considering that I live outside the box already, this is no big surprise!  So what is Mommy about?  It's about someone's mother- only crazier than normal.  This alleges to be based on a true story, which I'm a bit too lazy to really check out.  The film is marketed as notable for starring the woman who played The Bad Seed as the mother.  That's all you've got?  Well, that and famous writer Mickey Spillane in a random cameo.  This movie is sure to be full of hugs, love and murder.  It's like having your own Mob Mother!  Hide your dirty magazines, because here comes...

Patty McCormick is a mother of a young daughter.  She takes the girl to school to have a meeting with a teacher.  The woman argues with 'Mommy' about the girl not being able to enter some sort of contest.  It's all pretty frivolous, so you'll have to excuse me for not remembering the exact detail here.  She makes the cardinal mistake of delivering bad news to someone whilst standing on a ladder.  You can guess what happens, right?  The lady calmly exits the building and explains to her daughter (really the best part of the movie) that her teacher is dead.  The police come asking questions, but don't seem to find what they're looking for.  I'm pretty sure that 'Mommy' wasn't wearing gloves when she shoved the ladder over, so how do you not know what happened?  This leads to us getting some more back-story on the daughter.  Most of it is pretty inconsequential, save for the fact that we learn that the girl's father is dead and 'Mommy' is with a new man.  You'll see why that matters later.

The middle portion of the movie is pretty dull.  Here's what you basically need to know...
* 'Mommy' acts conspicuous.  It's 'movie conspicuous,' so nobody figures this out.
* A Janitor lady at school tells the daughter that 'Mommy' is a killer, which upsets the girl.
* In a bit of unplanned irony, this leads 'Mommy' to kill the lady.  Shocks to be you, lady...

Since this is a TV movie, there's not a lot of 'suspense.'  Unless you're scared by Patty making vaguely-evil faces and opening jars, it's pretty tame.  Things take a darker turn when 'Mommy's' boyfriend/fiancee decides to tell the daughter 'a bedtime story.'  In it, he explains that he's her actual father, which shocks her quite a bit.  Even more shocking is the arrival of 'Mommy' and the fact that she just shoots the guy in cold-blood in front of her daughter.  The police look into the matter, leading 'Mommy' to hire a lawyer...who's played by Mickey Spillane.  That may not mean a lot to my younger readers, but it should surprise any older folks out there.  'Mommy' decides to take the daughter on 'vacation' to a Motel for a bit to escape the press/accusations- especially because of the Detective questioning the daughter.  Unfortunately, 'Mommy' is in one of those 'If I can't have you, nobody will' moods and tries to kill the daughter.  This leads to a chase in a junkyard, which ends in the Police arriving to arrest 'Mommy.'  The End...until the sequel.  Watch for it next year (provided that I can find a copy)...

Thanks a lot, 'Mommy!'  The plot of this movie is kind of odd.  Due to the nature of it, the Mother's sudden turn to murder seems odd.  We meet her and not five minutes later is she shoving that lady off of the ladder.  Not that I wanted the film to be a lot longer, but maybe they could have built up to this, oh, at all!  On the other hand, maybe that was the point.  The goal may have been to show the woman just snap suddenly and turn to murder.  If so, I can see a merit there.  Ultimately though, I didn't really feel the character.  She kills the lady for a silly reason and then kills another one because of the first murder.  Her reason and logic is just not all that palatable.  The acting is a bit 'amateur hour' here.  None of them are terrible, but most of them just feel like Soap Opera actors getting a slightly-higher profile gig.  As I said before, the girl playing the daughter is the best one here.  She reminded me a lot of the girl from Pinnochio's Revenge, just without the over-acting at the end.  Aside from the 'shock value' of the Mother killing people, this movie is pretty tame and forgettable.  I wasn't expecting a whole lot more...and I didn't get it.  I guess I'm not disappointed then.  Happy Mom Day, folks!

Next up, Australia attempts to make a science-fiction film.  The result- a giant mess of green screen shots and mid-riff.  Stay tuned...