Grapple Crap: Shadow Warriors

I blame you for this, Ted Turner!  As part of his deal to jump to WCW, Terry 'Hulk' Hogan was given other TV/Movie Deals on the Turner Networks.  It's because of this we got such things as Thunder in Paradise and the Shadow Warriors films.  Speaking of which, here is one of them.  The pair of films were made for TNT back in 1999.  Joy.  The film is about Hogan leading a group of Mercenaries that help out the common man a la The A-Team.  People sure do love to copy that show/film, don't they?  Who's on Hogan's team?  You've got Carl Weathers.  The man who beat Rocky, lost to Rocky and then got killed by a Predator.  A mixed track record for sure.  Oh and he was in an Asylum film.  Who's working with Action Jackson and The Hulkster?  We've also got Shannon Tweed, who hasn't been in a film I've reviewed in about three years.  Where does the time go?  The film's plot involves an Arms Dealer, a missile and lots of shooting.  If Hostel is 'Torture Porn,' then Shadow Warriors is 'Mass Gunfire Porn.'  If you like violence with zero consequences, this is your film.  If you like Hogan's toupee, then this is your film.  If you like bad '90s films, then this is DEFINITELY your film!  To find out more, read on...

Hogan's character is bothered by some sort of past trauma.  This is how he expresses that emotion.

Okay, this is how he expresses 90% of his emotions, but you get the idea.

Hogan and company are hired to rescue this girl from a vaguely-European guy who's hosting a fancy dinner party on a Mountain.  Those Downton Abbey bitches are going to get a cap in their ass!

The gang make a prolonged escape via a Tram and some rope ladders leading down to the ground.  It's the low-budget, low-excitement version of the 'Rope Line Escape' from The Expendables 2.

After they rescue the girl, this plot thread never comes up again.  Yeah, you just watched one-third of the film acting as filler.

The *real* plot begins when Hogan recognizes a man on a Wanted Poster as a supposedly-dead Arms Dealer.

We are eventually treated to a flashback hinted at earlier.  Basically, Hogan's men were killed by him and Hogan himself was poisoned.  He remembers the man's cold eyes and is convinced that they are the same.

While the others go to investigate whether this could be true or not (and meet Martin Kove), Hulk goes off on his own.  He decides to handle it the American way: he shows up with twin Assault Rifles and starts shooting terrorists in the face!

Important to note: Hulk never once dodges a shot or seeks cover.  In spite of that, he's not even grazed by a single bullet.  Wow.

He's eventually caught and injected with a poison that will kill him...in 72 hours.  Yeah, the villain didn't think this one through.

Hulk doesn't stay to get treated.  He joins his group to try to stop the Arms Dealer from unleashing the same toxin via a missile on the general populace.  Oh and the place targeted is where Tweed's daughter is.  Of course it is.

Hogan battles his way to the bad guys and tries to get the Arms Dealer.  Before he can do that, however, he must do battle with his main henchmen.

The man: future-Jason Ken Kirzinger (doing his best Kool-Aid Man here).  Bonus points for having Hogan do the 'Seagal Neck Snap' on him.

While Hogan pursues the villain, the rest of the team stops the threat.  Weathers and Tweed disable the bomb, while their fourth (barely-worth-mentioning) member finishes the other gang members off.  Oh and Martin Kove is flying around shooting people with a Magnum.

For the big finish, Hulk is cured, the villain is dead and they stop the missile.  They also rigged the place to explode, setting them up for this cliche.  It's oh so silly here.  The End.

It's exactly what you think it would be.  What can I say about this film?  It's a late-90s Action film built as a Starring Vehicle for Hulk Hogan.  It co-Stars Shannon Tweed and Carl Weathers.  Did you expect it to turn out to be great?  No.  The film is appropriately-stupid and features everything that you'd expect.  The worst thing that could happen is that the film could be so generic that nothing is interesting about it.  It isn't.  Even if you pay no attention to the barely-there plot, you get silly action scenes, lots of fake gunfire and tons of fake fight scenes.  It is fairly-forgettable 90s trash as a whole.  If you like this kind of stuff, it is pretty fun.  Incidentally, the other film has Billy Drago as the Villain and Billy Blanks as his Henchman.  Naturally, I didn't get THAT one.  As a bonus from the film though, it features a young Emmanuelle Vaugier (the same year as The Fear: Halloween Night)...

Next up, a Cult Classic that I finally got around to re-watching.  With it getting a nod in Saints Row IV, the time is right to go Live with this one.  Stay tuned...

No Dice: No Contest

I disagree- there is indeed a contest!  This movie is one of those '90s time capsules that has been preserved for posterity.  

Let's take a look at just what makes it 'so '90s.'  

The lead- an actress who can't act or fight, but did do some nudity in the past.  

The supporting cast- a bunch of people who were in one big movie, so they star in dozens of little movies to make them seem important.  

The villain- a comedian-turned-actor who had a marketability that would last about 13 months.  

The plot- Die Hard, but in a different location. 

 In addition, you have lots of badly-choreographed action, shooting and a bunch of technology that didn't exist back then.  I'll break it down into more detail as this review goes on.  

Let's do the Macarena as we determine that there is...

Shannon Tweed is a former-Miss Galaxy (not Universe)-turned-action-star who is hosting the event.  Her love-interest is Robert Davi.  Ew- acne scars.

A bunch of villains hijack the tournament to make a bunch of money.  Roddy Piper is one of them, since he was in They Live at one point and had a terrible agent.

The villain of this movie is the face of evil...and sexist comedy with no actual pay-off: Andrew 'Dice' Clay.  

He wears this disguise in the beginning since it's a plot point of the Die Hard Scenario film.  

Case in point: Gridlock.

Our 'John McLane' is Tweed as she wanders around the building and tries to get help.  

She's not a good substitute, but you already knew that.

I should also mention that one of the hostages is a Senator's Daughter, since she was in the Pageant.  

In addition, her only bodyguard was Davi, an older-agent with a bum leg.  No wonder you guys have low approval ratings!

Will Tweed and Davi save the day in time during the dramatic finale on the roof?  

Of course they will.

Just to mix things up (the only reason I can think of), we still get about three more action scenes after this.  

It FINALLY culminates in an action scene on an elevator.  Cue the title line (at about 86 minutes in).

With the dead man's switch on his bomb stopped by a man talking over a radio (seriously- that happens), he is shot to death by Tweed and falls into a blue screen.  

The End.

No success.  The plot of this movie is, well, Die Hard.  Some minor details have been changed- an office building turns into a hotel, a woman in the lead, etc- but the plot is still the same.  

Much like Gridlock, the movie is notable only for its casting.  Andrew 'Dice' Clay as a villain- laughable, but in the wrong ways.  Tweed as a hero- just kind of sad, really.  Piper as the lead henchman- kind of fun, albeit one note.  

If you like action films, this is one of them.  

More importantly, if you want to see what the '90s without the aid of a VH1 Clip Show, this is a great way to do it.  

It's pretty funny too.  Isn't that right, Piper?

Next up, a sci-fi action film gets the Ultimate aid.  Can it rise from a North Star and survive the Cage?  Stay tuned...