Bail Bond: The Spy Who Loved Me (1977)

 After a long(ish) gap, Bond is back!

The Spy Who Loved Me is the 1977 entry into the Series and yet another Roger Moore Film.  I'm pumped!

With a three-year gap between Films, did much change?
Well, we have a new Director- although he did do You Only Live Twice with Connery- and 2 new Writers.  Supposedly Tom Mankiewicz did an uncredited rewrite.

In short, this is NOT based on the Book whatsoever and was compiled from a composite of various Screenplays and tweaked when rights weren't available.

We wouldn't get SPECTRE again until, well, Spectre with Daniel Craig.
This would turn out to be the final Film by French Cinematographer Claude Renoir (not the painter) as well.

The Plot involves a crazy rich guy (in both senses of the phrase) and a Plot that manages to unite Britain and Russia.  It also introduces one of- if not the- the most famous Bond Villain Henchmen ever in Jaws.

This Film has a few Jaws connections, it seems, from this Character to using a shark and even...Albert R. Broccoli turning Steven Spielberg down when he offered to Direct?!?
That's real (according to Wikipedia)!

Will this Bond Film return things to glory?  To find out, read on...

We get a big Intro that does a number of notable things.

There's a parallel Scene with Bond leaving his lady and Barbara Bach leaving her man.
Said man is the lead person pursuing Bond down the slopes and gets killed.

Bond parachutes into the Film's Title Sequence (both parodied by American Dad later)

This is Karl Stromberg.  
No, he's not Werner Herzog.

He's a crazy rich guy who is leveraging a tech for tracking submarines as part of his evil plan.

To check off an Austin Powers box, he drops a lady in a shark tank to kill her.

He has two main Henchmen- Jaws and the burly guy from Dr. Phibes Rises Again (the 2nd greatest Film of all time).

Anyone who has seen the blueprints to the device must die!

Moore and Bach are also separately sent to find just that, meeting up with a source in Egypt.

They aren't combative, but they aren't working together...until Jaws tries to kill them both.

They get away and keep pursuing the tech while slowly falling in love.
Like the Title!

Jaws, of course, shows up to kill him on the train a la Live and Let Die.
I guess he's early for his Show Up at the Finale to kill Bond, since he misses it.

This is a Bond Film and we need implausible, but amazing technology.

In this case, Bond and Bach are pursued by the bad guys on the road by a bike, some cars and a helicopter (flown by Caroline Munro!)!

Bond drives into the Ocean and the car turns into a submarine...kind of.

They end up on a Submarine together when the Brits and Russia agree to join forces.

Things get complicated when she learns that Bond killed her man (who was played by the guy who nearly took Moore's job).

On the bad guy's ship, a shootout/fight breaks out.

Bond uses science (he does?!?) to ride a bomb to take out the blast shield to stop the evil plan.

Jaws and Bond have one last face-off (pre-finale) and he uses a big-ass magnet to drag Jaws into the water.  He fights the shark, so Jaws vs. Jaws?

This is after Bond took out Stromberg.

Bond and Bach escape Stromberg's Base (Atlantis) before the Navy destroys it.

They get away in an escape pod (naturally) and their vehicle is brought in by both sides.
Bond makes a sex pun and the Film ends.

A big improvement over the last Film- sorry, Scaramanga.

This one feels like a fully formed Script and it all flows together tonally.  There are silly moments- like how Jaws can rip doors off of cars and can't die- and it doesn't fight against the Film's tone.

The Plot is pretty silly, but treated seriously.  So, when the bizarre stuff happens, you accept it.
After Bond's 27th death quip, you're in it to win it.

Moore said that this was his favorite Bond and, yeah, I can see that.  It doesn't have That Boat Chase, but it is damn good.

This one feels like a big, grand Bond Adventure.

Thankfully, this one brought Bond back to the big time and we got lots more of these Films.  It's crazy to think what life would be like without it.

Speaking of things that life would be different without, is this a rip-off of the Jaws Intro?

Next up, a little diversion to a Parody Film which is topical again.  Has this one aged as well fine wine or Surge Cola?  Stay tuned...

Rare Flix: Slaughter High

There is no Rock & Roll in this High School!  

Today's film is Slaughter High, a film that has become easier to find in the last few years.  Before that, however, it wasn't exactly all that big.  My DVD (the set with C.H.U.D. II and Ghoulies III) has a pretty low-resolution version that just screams 'VHS Transfer.'  

I wonder how nice the Blu-Ray release looks.  Why the issues?  

Well, the film has a number of 'issues' related to it.  

For one, it was originally going to be called April Fool's Day (a more fitting title, really), but changed the title to avoid confusion with the film...April Fool's Day, released earlier that year.  

It apparently retained that title in Japan, since, well, it's Japan.  

Second, the film's Star committed suicide shortly after the release of the film.  It puts him in a weird group of people that did something like this, alongside Manos' John Reynolds (Torgo) and the Director of A Bell From Hell Claudio Guerin.  

Something was obviously troubling them and, due to what they did, we will never quite know the full extent of it.  

Lastly, there's some odd chronology about the film that I'm still not clear on.  It's Star died in 1984, but the film's copyright says 1985.  

On top of that, the film is listed as coming out in 1986 according to IMDB! 

 Oh and it's supposedly related to Cutting Class (a Slasher Parody made by other people) to boot!  So yeah, I'm confused.  

However, the film stars Caroline Munro, so I'm willing to ignore all of that.  

To see more of this once 'Lost' Horror film, read on...

The film begins with evil 'teenager' Caroline Munro (who was 36!) setting up this nerdy guy for something.  Is this all because it is April Fool's Day (and his birthday)?

They embarrass the guy and humiliate him.  They REALLY seem to have it out for him.

Seriously, what is their problem?!?  It's never explained.  They're one step below those creeps from Evilspeak.

After they get caught, they pull ANOTHER prank on the guy.  They end up setting him ablaze and scarring half of his body (a la Two-Face).  Do they face punishment?  Nope.

Without a Time Card, the film jumps ahead 10 Years (apparently) and the bullies are invited to a Reunion.

Oh and this guy is Munro's agent...and the film's Producer Dick Randall.  He's done this a few times, like in Ninja Strikes Back.  See if you can spot the subtle plug for his previous Slasher film Pieces...

They all break into the School (which, as part of the plot, seems odd) and decide to 'partake.'  This just reminds me of School Killer (who's title still boggles me)...which is not necessarily good.

The guy- Marty- finally starts killing people, including the Caretaker (who have been doomed since The Shining).  He poisons their beer, since they poisoned a joint as part of the prank X years ago.

I'm no Doctor, but maybe pulling your stomach open like that *isn't* helping.

After a lot of chasing, meandering and murder, all of the group is killed by Marty.  To be fair, they were all morons.

Case in point: Munro 'kills' Marty and dumps the Javelin she used to fend him off.  Yeah, he uses it to kill her.  Dumb, dumb lady.

However, as an '80s Slasher film, it must have a silly, twist Ending.  It turns out that all of this bizarre, convoluted revenge (including a pit of tar set up on the lawn) was all in his head.  Marty is just crazy.

It doesn't end there, however, as he kills the Nurse and Doctor to go get his revenge.

Hey look- I found an example of The Dark Knight ripping a film off and NOT the other way around.  Go me!  The End.

It's better than it should be, but not as good as it could be.  That make any sense?  

The premise is pretty-straightforward.  In fact, it already was a movie- The Burning.  

According to those nerds over at IMDB, this film shares a similar plot with a film called The Redeemer: Son of Satan.  

In that film, a bunch of people are trapped in a School by a Satanic killer and chased around.  So, this is the combination of a fairly-notable film (more now for its future Stars) and an obscure one. 

 It would be like if you made a film that was a combination of Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Rawhead Rex.  Actually, that sounds kind of neat.  Quick- nobody make that first!  

As for this film, it is a weird mix of Comedy and Horror.  There's a wacky theme-song (with a slightly-sinister edge), goofy characters and a scarred maniac trying to kill them.  They don't exactly mix well.  On top of that, it's not good Comedy.  

Case in point: on the way to the Reunion, one of the Jerks meets up with another (who's hitchhiking).  His beat-up Bug is defended by him and almost immediately dies.  

Another of the Jerks shows up and says that he can 'fix' it.  If you didn't guess that they were just going to tow it, then you *really* need to see more Comedy.  

The whole thing just feels weird, what with the odd tone, the Brits playing Americans, Munro (who's still hot, mind you) playing 17 and a crazed killer.  Given what we find out, *some* of that is explained.  It's worth checking out, but you should decide for yourself whether it is worth owning.  

As for me, I'm still trying to figure out how/why Marty made a blown-up picture of himself just for this one attack!

Next up, there's still another film in this pack that I haven't covered.  If it's Unholy, it's for me.  Stay tuned...

Lost in Translation: Starcrash

I love Starcrash and I refuse to apologize for that.

Given how weird this Spanish- I think- poster is, you might think that I'm crazy...

When did Warlord- look him up- and Red Sonja sign up to be in this movie?  It's like they were kidnapped from another movie!

Next up, has enough time passed that I can mock a weird poster for a Patrick Swayze film?  I sure hope so, because that's what's happening next!  Stay tuned...

Yuletide Brit: Don't Open Till Christmas

I'm breaking the first rule of the movie by reviewing it today, but I don't care! Second, I must admit my love for Edmund Purdom- as an actor, mind you. I don't know what it is about him, but he has that odd intangible factor about him. In many ways, he has this swagger about him in all of his movies, even if they are crap like Lucifera: Demon Lover (a surefire review for 2010). In a way, he reminds me of someone like a John Steiner (Yor, Sinbad of the Seven Seas), who has a fun time making stupid films. Now, as a director, Purdom certainly has his faults. As The Cinema Snob can tell you in better detail, the shooting had some serious problems. The important thing is that a movie got made, for better or for worse. This is...

Don't Open Till Christmas

The movie begins with a naughty Santa doing some snogging in his motor with a bird. The pair don't take a-kindly to some first-person interference, but their tone takes a turn for the worse when both of them get stabbed. By the way, in case you are wondering, I'm not drunk- the movie is just British. Escaping my British expressions, the movie cuts from this bit of murder to a fancy party at disco. I should mention that this movie was released in 1985, by the way. There is a whole exchange with a man getting made up as Santa for the party and talking about how he looks like 'a queen' with all the make-up. Thanks for going there, movie- you stay classy. The movie attempts to make up for this by having the man speared through the throat by another P.O.V. killer. Damn those evil cameramen! The film cuts to Scotland Yard...er, New Scotland Yard, where the police are discussing the rash of Santa killings. It doesn't pay to wear red and fur, it seems.

*

It seems that the police want to look into the two people who were there at the party with the man. He was the father of the girl, so they naturally look into her, but find nothing. Enough plot- more killings! This time, a man is stabbed by someone in a mask right out of Alice, Sweet Alice and falls on a roasting bin. For no apparent reason, his body sets on fire in a matter of seconds. I love logic, don't you? Around this time, a package is delivered to a rich guy's house and marked as 'Don't Open Till Christmas.' Ha, I got the title line in! We get another murder scene involving a man being shot with a gun, but it's so short and random that it is not worth mentioning...more than what I just did. Incidentally, these were all added in post-production without Purdom's consent, which is really obvious. It's real plot time and it involves the girl with the dead father, her boyfriend and a photographer. Things get awkward when he does a photo shoot and wants her to dress in a sexy Santa get-up. Too soon! Fortunately, the film had the decency to write him out of the movie

*

The whole thing gets trickier as we see a mysterious man make some threatening phone calls. Gee, I wonder if he is the killer? Another creepy Santa goes to a strip show and watches a woman from behind a glass door. While he's doing so, the masked killer cuts his throat and tries to get to the woman. She runs away and seems to be safe- sure, she is. Oh look, she got captured- big surprise. The choppy editing of the film makes the later parts a bit confusing as Purdom's character investigates and is then 'taken off the case.' This is told to us by one man on the phone, which is about as lazy as you can get. During all of this, we get another random Santa killing and a cameo by Caroline Munro (of Starcrash fame) as a disco singer. When did she date Prince? Skipping a bit, the stripper makes a break for it and knocks down the killer, but does the 'I'll slowly approach the body to make sure that it is dead' thing. Yeah, she dies. Oh and a Santa gets his 'member' cut off- thanks, movie. Speaking of bleak and sudden, the movie ends with Purdom opening the present from earlier, which is a bomb. The End.

*

This movie is good, but further review does not treat it too well. I watched this movie last Christmas and was fairly-entertained by it. Looking at it now, it definitely has some problems. On the up-side, the movie features a good flip on the killer Santa idea. Of course, that is all just in theory. In reality, it is simply substituting half-naked girls for men in Santa get-ups. As history documents, the production of the film was rough and involved two different directors after an incident with Purdom. This actually makes the odd continuity issues and Purdom's vanishing act mid-film all the more logical. Mind you, an explanation does not really make it better. It's sort of like knowing the story behind Zombi 3 and realizing that it is still not, you know, good. Given the obscurity of the film and the story involved, it is worth a look. It is just not going to replace Black Christmas.

*

Up next, I bring you yuletide cheer in the form of a low-budget horror film. I sure hope you like stock footage! Stay tuned...