Almost Heroes: Dwayne Dixon (Attack Force)

Another week and another man who *nearly* is the Hero.

In Attack Force, Steven Seagal and his buddy are in Europe between missions when some members are killed.

The Plot takes them up against mysterious people taking some form of super-drug and he's along for the ride, fighting with Seagal.

Right before Seagal gets the final fight (naturally!), he gets killed by one of the other villains.

To make matters worse, his body is spotted and left behind.  Instead, Seagal does the 'dragging his friend to safety' bit with...some Thai Soldier who only appeared like 10 minutes ago.

After death burn!

Basically, he's the friendly and helpful Second-in-Command the whole time, dies and is forgotten about.  Given his marital history, leaving loved ones behind is par for the course with Seagal.

Oh and this *may* have something to do with the Film being allegedly re-cut and re-Edited to excise a Story involving Vampires.  How else do you explain the sudden importance of Thai Soldier and the downgrade of the main Villain in the 3rd Act.

Either way, he missed it by *that* much.

Ponytail Crap: (Mercenary:) Absolution (2015)

Yep, it is Seagal time again!  Today's Film is Absolution, a 2015 Action Film from the once-respected Actor.  He hasn't been the Lead in a Film that played in Theaters for over a Decade.  There is a reason.  He just doesn't care.  For an Action Star, he doesn't do even the bare minimum of what you expect.  He has a Stand-In and a Stunt Double in this one!  The guy doesn't even do his own ADR most of the time, leading to some hilariously-bad stuff.  At this point, it is too late to get anything great out of him.  To keep the low expectations and 'same old, same old' going, consider the Director- Keoni Waxman.  While not a very bad Director (the Films are alright-looking), he has made- wait for it- 8 Films/TV Shows with Seagal.  He has two Films in Post-Production according to IMDB.  Guess who is the Star of those Films.  Yeah.  The man has 22 Films as a Director, so nearly half of his Films are ones with Seagal in the Lead!  Holy crap!  On the plus side, they realized that they needed someone to actually do the interesting stuff, so we get Byron Mann here to do actual Kung-Fu and get beat up.  Yes, Seagal takes no blows at all- is that a SPOILER at this point?-, so Mann has to take 2x as many as normal.  The Story involves...you know know what, do you care?  Let's just jump right in...

As the Credits roll, a woman is beaten and killed by a masked man.  That's not the real torture...

Seagal is here playing- say it with me- a Government Operative- that is hired to take out an Afghani National in Eastern Europe.

Say what you will about Seagal Films- and I intend to-, but they don't hide where they are shot.

Seagal and his partner- Mann- do the job and wait for their extraction.

In the meantime, they go to a Bar and Seagal exposition dumps about how he was awesome and how Mann works for him out of a life debt.  Hey Seagal- he was there!

After talking about how he's great and helps people, Seagal does just that and helps the woman who fled from the masked man (Vinnie Jones).

As he explains in some lame narration (at least it is him!), he wants to do one good thing in his life.

So here is where things get tricky.  Try to follow along...

Seagal's Boss hired him to kill the Afghani to cover up info on Jones.
A different guy is going after the blond, since she has a tape of the incident.
That guy's boss is Vinnie Jones, even though the man works at the U.S. Embassy.
Jones' employee calls Seagal's Boss and now wants him to turn on Seagal.

Confusing enough for you?

With everyone gunning for Seagal, you can guess what happens.

Can Seagal and Mann survive with all of these people trying to kill them?

Of course they can, so that's not a SPOILER.

Since I'm out of things to talk about, enjoy this shot of Seagal...

...and this shot of the Juggernaut (bitch).  To find out how it all plays out (if you can't guess), watch the Film.  The End.

Pretty by-the-numbers stuff here.  Ever think about that expression?  A 10-second Google Search tells me that it dates back to a Revolutionary War Training Book for Soldiers.  See- I thought it was based on those Coloring Books where each section was numbered and you were supposed to match the Colors to the Numbers.  I was wrong.  What is the point of that tangent?  It is pretty much what talking about Seagal Films does to you.  They are so devoid of general interest and appeal that there isn't much to say.  The Film has Seagal using a double for minor things like going through some doors and a different double for doing such strenuous things as kicking four inches from the ground.  He seems to do most of his ADR this time, so that's a plus.  On the negative side, all of those things I just mentioned.  On top of that, his plan to cover-up his trouble area (the whole head area) now involves a goatee, glasses (for the bags under his eyes), a dyed black goatee, buttoning up as high as possible and flipping the color of his coats.  Just use a treadmill or talk to Oprah, man!  In spite of all this, he has up to 3 Films coming out this year (including one with RVD!), so my work is not yet done.  Let's see if the Barbara Walters Filter will help...

Next up, an Action Film that comes to us from Russia.  In Soviet Russia, I make outdated reference.  Stay tuned...

Ponytail Pain: The Keeper (2009)

This Title really is just asking for me to make fun of it, right?  Today's Film is The Keeper, a 2009 Film Starring Mr. Steven Seagal.  At this point, you may be wondering why I bother.  Well...um...so anyways, this Film was made at the tail end of when he started to be super lazy, but before he started to sort of try again.  They do a few things that you don't see in other Seagal Films, but otherwise stick to the familiar.  In this one, Seagal is actually NOT playing a Federal Agent or a Black Ops Operative.  Progress!  Don't worry- they ruin any good will they may get pretty quickly.  After something bad happens, he gets a new job working with an old friend in Texas.  I'll try to resist making an 'everything is bigger in Texas' joke, but it will be hard.  When danger arises, Seagal is there to...slowly walk to the scene.  Just to note: this is the first Seagal Film directed by his now-go-to Director Keoni Waxman (a man so important that he doesn't even have a Wikipedia page).  To find out if this Film is, well, a, you know the joke, read on...

In the opening Scene, Seagal and his Partner take out some Drug Dealers.  In Crime Film Cliche #235, he wants to keep their money, while Seagal doesn't.

Shockingly, he takes 2 in the Chest!  Not shockingly, he survives.

Later at the Hospital, he pretends to be comatose, steals a lady's gun from her purse (which she brought into a Hospital!) and kills his bad Partner when he comes to finish the job.

Yes, you are 99% better now!

In an unrelated (for now) Story, this Boxer is a bit amorous, but his lady stays with him.  She's even okay when he hides during an attack on the pair and leaves her to die!

After the force won't let Seagal return to the force (since a recently-wounded 58 year-old who is overweight should be allowed?), he takes a job from his old friend in Texas protecting his daughter (the one left to die earlier).

Can you tell he's in Texas yet?

While protecting her, he learns that the boyfriend is up to no good (besides being a sexist dick to begin with).

He does his best to protect her (and himself) by using his sort-of-intimidating Aikido.

Even so, she gets captured and ransomed by a bad guy (working with the boyfriend).  What will happen?

You're kidding- right?  You know how this goes by now.  One-sided beatdown (following shooting)...

...and Seagal saves the day.  That will show you, NYPD!  The End.

Pretty dull and average stuff by now.  The Film is nothing special.  There is one moment that sounded like someone dubbing Seagal's voice, but it is otherwise absent.  Other than cheating with Camera Angles, there isn't any major or obvious Doubling to be found.  There is plenty of young guys that get tossed around by Seagal (or his Double)- yawn.  Like with other aging Action Stars, Seagal has a Film with alot more shooting and posturing than actual Fighting.  He is a Producer (shocking!), so don't think that I'm projecting too much onto him unfairly.  The Film is really just kind of run-of-the-mill and uninspired.  It doesn't have the wacky physics of Belly of the Beast, the awkward Editing of Black Dawn, the ego-stroking of Submerged or the silliness of Into the Sun.  Hell, this would have even been better if they could have gotten 'Stone Cold' Steven Austin in here somewhere.  Oh well.  It does have one unique thing, but I'm not sure that you can handle it.

Are you sure?

Really sure?

Okay.  Don't say that I didn't warn you...

Next up, I get into some Movies I got from Brother.  I don't know what to expect from these, so neither do you.  Stay tuned...

New Seagal Crap?: A Good Man (2014)

Oh Seagal, even your 'best' is still pretty much shit.  Today's film is A Good Man, a 2014 DTV Action Film Starring Steven Seagal- yes, this is a thing!  So, if you are new to this kind of stuff (aka any Seagal film made after 2002), here is a quick rundown on what to expect.  Voice Dubbing- since Seagal is usually too lazy/busy to do ADR/Voice-Over.  Stunt Doubles.  Body Doubles.  No, not for Nudity (thank God!), but for things like walking to/from doors and such.  You also get the Impervious/Infallible Seagal Trope as our hero is never caught off-guard or nor is he ever in danger.  Drama- what's that?!?  A more recent addition has been the blatant addition of a younger, more fit Star to do the heavy-lifting (no pun intended), as opposed to just Editing the fights to make them look better.  On the plus side, Seagal is doing *some* more work now, but it is not all that great.  This film gives us Victor Webster from The Scorpion King 3 (and 4!) to do the more active stuff.  The plot involves Seagal as, you guessed it, an ex-Special Forces Agent who gets involved with the Russian mob in...Eastern Europe.  No Country or City listed- just a big, vague area of land.  To find out what's better and worse here, read on...

On a mission in Dermastan (is that real place, Internet?), Seagal and...one other guy try to take out two bad guys.  They get one, but...

...a drone blows up the building, killing one girl...even though she was right next to Seagal when the explosion hit and he was fine.  Seagal powers!

Oh and Seagal carries a Wakizashi (or small Japanese companion sword to a Katana) with him.  Why again?

2 Years Later in...sigh Eastern Europe, Seagal is working as a handyman while Webster and his sister (who has an accent, while he never tries one) work for a Mobster (to pay off their dead dad's debt).

The man behind it all is...Ambassador Han from Rush Hour?

It will come to no surprise that Seagal is killing the Mobsters.  They treat it like a mystery, but...really now, who else could it be?  The killer has a perfect record, kills with a blade and uses a sword.

For no good reason, the Mobsters blame Webster's character and try to kill him.  Well, NOW he's going to betray you- dumbass.  On the plus side, his fights are back and forth & feature good choreography.

On the other hand...

They do weird stuff like randomly have him impersonate Tony Jaa for this bit.  It just feels weird.

Since the film is so new, I won't SPOIL too much more.  I will show you Webster pulling out a Suplex (really?), making this the second time I've seen this out-of-place move since 12 Rounds 2 last year (which at least starred a Wrestler).

Who will live?  Who will die?  Will Seagal save the day and get the girl?

Okay, that last one was a gimme, right Seagal?  The End.

Is it the best of Seagal's recent works?  Is that a poor scale for reviewing films?  As just a normal film, it has minimal Plot, so-so Acting and purely-average Production Values.  As a Seagal film, it is...alright.  The Plot is kind of a silly mess involving Arab Terrorists in the beginning, Russian Mobsters in the middle and then a Chinese Triad Boss for the end (plus an Italian creep for a bonus).  Seagal is the only connection here, since he fought one in the beginning, killed more in the middle and finally battles the last guy in the finale.  In between, you have a Spec Ops Partner who disappears after the Intro, a Canadian-European villain/hero and two pieces of pathos (the sister and her daughter).  The rest of the Story is just Seagal and/or Webster fighting people for random reasons.  If you go into a film like this for the Plot, you're going to be let down.  If you go into it for Action, you will get a bunch of that.  On the Seagal side, they are one-sided Akido beatdowns where the poor European Stunt Men have to flip and flail while Seagal vaguely tugs at their wrists/arms.  For Webster, we get actual fights that are interesting and dynamic.  The only issue with his fights are the silly parts- like the aforementioned Flying Knee, Suplex and (really) a Chokeslam.  If the film was Starring Webster and a more competent Action Star (like Van Damme), it would be much easier to recommend.  As it is, you have to get pat the fast, silly spectre of Seagal's waistline, neck-covering bandana and jowl-concealing goatee.  As a bonus, I got a goofy shot from their own Making Of Documentary.  Good one, guys!  Here is Seagal, Master of Not Learning His Lines...

Next up, I cover one of the more infamous film flops of the last thirty years.  While Marvel is making all sorts of bank, see how they managed to make Lucas lose his shirt!  Stay tuned...

He's Dead, Jim!: Marked for Death

Before I get to the less-silly Scene that inspired this Segment, I have to use this one: the infamous Seagal Triple Kill from Marked For Death.

In the Finale, Seagal beats up the Rasta Boss and gauges his eyes out.  To most people, that would probably be enough.

He one-ups this fatal strike by picking up the guy and giving him a nice WWF-style Backbreaker!  He won't walk again!

To keep the 'fun' going, he takes the man's mostly-dead and broken body and chucks it through the drywall!

The man falls..and falls.

Seriously, they play his fall and collision with the walls twice!

After one last smash against the wall of the Elevator Shaft, he falls to the bottom...and hits the spike at the bottom.

That...would have hurt if he wasn't dead six minutes ago.

That was some serious overkill!  I mean, DAMN!

It brings a new meaning to 'No Woman, No Cry,' doesn't it?

Next up, Jet Li makes quick, but painful work of a man.  Why does this scene from a 7-year-old film still stand out so much to me?  Stay tuned...

New Ponytail Pain: Force of Execution

After a long break, it is good to see Seagal again.  I'm kidding, of course- I don't like Seagal's films.  That is not to say that he hasn't *been* in good movies, they just haven't really happened all that much in the last decade.  Ever since his banishment to Direct-to-Video fare after Half Past Dead, his work has been lazy and mostly uninspired.  The films have good moments at times, but are mostly just crap.  The fault- if you are new to his films- is Seagal and his apathy.  He could get in shape- he doesn't.  He could emote- he doesn't.  He could be on set the whole time and do his own A.D.R.- he doesn't.  The man simply shows up (for some of the time), does what little he has to do and collects his paycheck.  I don't really hate the guy- just for the record- but I have many reasons to not like him.  The man disappeared for a little while, but has made a few films in the last couple of years.  His last one- Maximum Conviction- was a good film when he wasn't around, so let's see what Force of Execution is going to be like.  Seagal plays a Mobster- don't worry, he has a Secret Agent past- who gets in a turf war.  His main henchmen gets into some trouble, leading to a convoluted showdown.  I won't SPOIL the whole film, but I will at least give you a taste of what this one is all about.  To see if the presence of Machete can make the film better (it didn't work for Urban Justice), read on...

The film begins with- I kid you not, this shot of the Desert.  Did I accidentally start watching John Carter?

As it turns out, this is just to establish that the film is set in New Mexico.  Weird choice though.

The film begins properly with Seagal doing his laziest Sunset Boulevard by setting up the film.  In case you thought, the formerly-ponytailed one might die (ha!), this says that he doesn't.

Just take this image in folks.

So before all of that, we see Seagal in one of his two fight scenes.  To be fair, he does his own fighting (mostly) here.  It is the lazy 'I stand still while you throw yourself around' Seagal fight.

After that, his henchman- the supposed lead- is sent to break into a Prison (the same set from Conviction) and kill some guy.  He takes his cue from a Prison snitch (Ving Rhames), but...

It is actually the wrong guy.  So much for reliable sources (not to be confused with the CNN Show).

Seagal hands his henchman (of 15 years!) over to the people that had hired them for the job and they torture him, smashing his hands.  Good job, Seagal!

Some vague amount of time goes by and the henchman is now homeless.  I get that he can't work- with non-working hands- but he apparently did save any money.  You need to invest in some IRAs, criminals!

Henchman- I'm sure that he has a name, but I don't care- finds help from 'Machete' (here playing a Restaurateur) and this blond lady (who is apparently 'Seagal's girl').

Meanwhile, Rhames (who got out of Prison during the break) is making a play to take over Seagal's territory, since he is retiring.  Seagal- truly a Mobster with a heart of gold...eventually.

I won't SPOIL what 'Machete' here has in mind for our hero.  It...it is beyond words.

This is just a set-up for some shoot-outs, a bit of fighting and more shooting.  Seagal busts out his faux-tactical gear (which also covers up his neck) for the big showdown.

To find out how this all ends, watch the movie.  The End.

It is arguably the most work Seagal has done in a while.  That is a bar so low that Chihuahuas could walk under it.  Like Conviction, the former Star drops in and out of the movie.  Unlike Conviction, it didn't have a charismatic Steve Austin and a good Stunt Team to fill in the rest.  We don't get fun moments like Austin's classic line 'Which one of you killed my future ex-wife?'  The actual lead here- Bren Foster- is not bad at Kung-Fu, but he's not the best Actor.  He either has an apathetic expression, a sad one or his 'action face.'  If there was someone to do the Acting for him, this might be okay.  As it is, he doesn't have the emotional rage to pull off what he has to here.  The presence of Trejo, Rhames and the rest is just not enough here.  To be honest, I fell asleep during the middle part of this movie.  I *rarely* fall asleep during films- especially Action ones- and you can't even blame the time of day (Saturday night before 9 pm) either.  It is also worth noting that Seagal (whether it was his idea or not) steals Foster's 'thunder' in the Finale.  Aside from good Action moments and some silly 'science,' this film is a bore.  I will, however, point out the one time I could clearly spot Seagal's double (since I'm a jerk like that)...

Up next, inspired by release of the new Wolfenstein game, a Nazi film.  If they can put Nazis on the Moon, then so can I!  Stay tuned...