'80s Fun: My Science Project

Mine were never that great and always made at the last minute.  

Thankfully, this Film is better.  

This is My Science Project, a 1985 Film usually overshadowed by stuff like Wargames or Back to the Future.  Should it be though?  

While it is an '80s Film that deals with advanced technology and time-travel (sort of), it's quite different.  There's really not much even to compare- other than the time it was released.  It does its own thing, which is good.  

The Plot involves some teens, alien technology and wacky hijinks.  No Iranians.  No potential incest.  None of that.  Instead, we get some weird, weird stuff.  

It is the second Film I watched this Week involving a Time-Space Warp- no joke!  

To find out more about this possibly underappreciated Film, read on...

Long, long ago (even before 1985), we found Alien Technology and hid it away to study.

In 1985, our Hero is a would-be Mechanic and needs to get a good grade on his Science Project or Dennis Hopper will fail him.

Don't make him go all Blue Velvet on you!

All he wants to do is be a Mechanic.  What can he do?

Of course, get help from that smart girl (who also likes him a lot).

They go to a Junkyard to find some stuff, but literally fall into a great discovery- an alien orb!

They hook it up to a battery and show it off as their Science Project.

This is a make-up, since the Orb somehow sent them forward 2 hours in time when they first activated it!

Things don't go well, leading to the Teacher being zapped away and the only solution to saving Town being to blow up the Power Lines!

Back at School, a vengeful Nerd reactivates the Device, creating all sorts of chaos.

Amongst them, we get the guys fighting the Vietcong, a Cavemen and future Thugs.  Yes, that is clearly Michael Berryman there.

In a weird connection to later Back to the Future (the Ride), they battle a T-Rex.  

In the end, they manage to save all of reality and put the orb away.

As long as nobody else randomly-finds it, we're good.  The End.

A fun little adventure that only the 1980s seemed to bring us.  

It is easy to see why people think of stuff like Wargames and Back to the Future in regard to this Film- at least on the surface.  

Just describing the Plot, you might think that they are very alike.  Thankfully, the Film itself is more than just that.  The Orb gives them a pretty open-ended chance to do some fun stuff

.  

The 3rd Act especially made the most of it, giving them that Set Piece in the School.  The Effects are generally quite good here and the 'seams' only show a few times.  

Almost more importantly, they are just creatively.  The Cro-Magnon, for instance, is a nice change from just doing the more common form of Caveman.  

We also get '80s regular Al Leong playing a Vietcong and the aforementioned Michael Berryman.  

The Plot works pretty well and the humor holds up too.  It's not going to blow you away like Future did, but it's a solid, fun adventure Film with some nice twists.  

The most dated part about it though- Phone Booths.

Next time, another Film that I've put off too long.  Will it be '60s Class or '80s Trash?  Stay tuned...

Rare Flix: Deadly Blessing

Thanks for splurging on the High-Def Version, Netflix!  Today's film is Deadly Blessing, a film that is not remembered all that well.  Maybe it's the lack of a major DVD/Blu-Ray Release that hurts it.  After all, why would Netflix's Streaming Version be a pretty blatant VHS Rip?  It's not like there was a Blu-Ray Release from let's just say January of this very year.  Getting past my annoyance about the version carried by my provider of Movies, let's talk about the actual film, shall we?  Deadly Blessing is an early film by Mr. Craven and it's about evil Amish.  It's okay to trash talk them- they'll never read this!  A young woman's life is turned upside down by the sudden death of her husband and she calls her friends in to help.  What is the secret of the nearby not-actually-Amish group?  Are they really evil or is something more going on?  More importantly, who would trust Ernest Borgnine to lead a Religion after The Devil's Rain?  To find out the answer to SOME of those questions, read on...

*Before I begin properly, I just want to note that some of my Screen Caps were found online.  Others you'll see later were taken by me.  See if you notice the difference in quality.*

A group called the Hittites (which features Michael Berryman!) is 'all up in the grill' of a guy who left the group.  Him and his wife aren't exactly living in peace.

Their Leader- Ernest Borgnine- is especially animated about it.  He looks like a Muppet!

The husband dies in a freak 'accident' so our heroine calls her friends for help.  When in doubt, endanger friends AND loved ones!

One of her two friends is played by Sharon Stone.  She spends the whole movie pretty much reacting and being scared.  Who said that there were no great roles for women?

Three years before he would do the famous Tub Scene in Nightmare on Elm Street, Craven would do a prototype version with a snake here.  It's just one of two moments like this, actually.

Eventually, the brother of the dead husband leaves the Hittites because he has the hots for one of our heroine's friends.  It all works out, though, when they are both burned to death.  Ha ha ha- death pun!

The climax of the film comes when a couple crazier members of the Hittites attack the house.  It's all very stock, but it's not exactly the end.

After everything seems to have calmed down, everyone leaves the house, save for our heroine.  Suddenly, the lights go out, a zombie version of the husband shows up and the oft-mentioned Succubus pops out of the floor (echoing Freddy's ending attack from Nightmare) and pulls her to Hell.

So yeah, that happened.  The End.

It's interesting from an historical standpoint, but that's about it.  Blessing suffers from low-production values, odd pacing and just a general sense of malaise.  There are a few really good, tense scenes in the film, but they are way too spread out.  It reminds me a bit of A Blade in the Dark in a lot of ways.  That film was Made-For-TV (in Italy) and featured kill scenes every 15 minutes on the dot.  If the film was paced a bit better, I'd really not have a whole lot to complain about.  It's a neat story about sectioned-off societies trying to co-exist with a World that's different and determining who is wrong.  I think that a really good movie could be made with this premise.  Oh right- there was one and it was called Witness.  All kidding aside, I would have liked to see a lot more from here.  That crazy Ending almost makes the whole thing worth it- almost.  It's a flawed film that shows what Craven could and would do as a Director.  Oh and, seriously, spring for the High-Definition Version.  It's the least that you could do.  Take us away, Not-So-Revealing Mistake...

Next up, a crazy Bollywood film that comes from...Canada.  I'm mostly reviewing it for one special *fake* Guest Star.  Stay tuned...

The Human Buffet: Cut & Run

It's time for the...oddly-different finale!  Today's film is Cut & Run, which is the final part of the Cannibal Trilogy from Ruggero Deodato.  In the time since Cannibal Holocaust, Ruggero has faced critical scrutiny, backlash from the U.K. and actual murder charges.  To help the 'viral marketing' of the film, he made the leads sign waiver saying that they would stay out of the public eye for a full year.  Gee, why does this sound familiar?  When pressed on it, he had to finally make them come forth and he also had to show in Court how the 'impaling' effect was done.  Wouldn't you just love to see that reenactment?  After that gap, he finally got this film made.  The film is practically a 'Who's who?' of Italian Cinema too.  The Director of Cannibal Holocaust, the lead man behind the Suspiria soundtrack, the Co-Writer of Demons, the Co-Writer of Slave of the Cannibal God, Jafar from Sinbad of the Seven Seas & Kadar and Dirtmaster from The Barbarians.  Granted- there's a quality drop near the end, but you get my point.  The bottom line: you've got Richard Lynch, Michael Berryman, Karen Black and John Steiner in one film.  Do I need to say any more?  Well, just in case, here's the review...

In a great opening, a group of Natives and Michael Berryman go all Splinter Cell and take out a bunch of drug producers in the Jungle.  This leads to an interesting issue with the U.S. DVD...

There are apparently two versions of this film: an R-Rated version (for the U.S. and U.K.) and an Unrated one (for the rest of Europe and Japan).

Following this scene, we see our intrepid Reporter leads set up a drug bust...only to find all of the people killed.  Guess which version of the scene is on the U.S. DVD...

Naturally, all of this relates to...Jim Jones?  Yeah, they go looking for a Lieutenant of his that is somehow alive in Central America.  I just love the way they mix the real and Stock Footage.

As a bonus, the man standing next to the man (Lynch) is the Director.  Holy Hitchcock Cameo, Batman!

Speaking of weird cameos, the Reporters get a lead on how to find the man courtesy of a Pimp...played by Eriq LaSalle.  You're a long way from E.R. still, I see.

Anyhow, they are also looking for the son of some rich guy- on the right- who is being held captive by 'Jafar' here.  He's not holding him for ransom- he's just using him to help pack the drugs.

The plots collide as Lynch's men- which includes Berryman- attacks the site and our heroes end up in his hand.

Things take a turn for the weirder when an attack on Lynch's camp is thwarted, but the man is injured.  The next day, he makes the pair film him...as he orders his lead man to decapitate him on the air.  Cue freak out!

In a tonal shift, the man and his son are reunited happily.  I don't think the blood has dried yet, guys.

In a bit right out of Live and Let Die (great film), Berryman sneaks on board the plane (not train) to try and steal the kill.  He fails.  The End.

It's a weird finale, to say the least.  The plot of this movie is good, but a bit scattershot.  It tells the tale of the young man and a woman trying to escape the dealers, the Reporters trying to find Lynch, the Reporters also trying to find the young man and Lynch's strange, master plan.  Is that enough story for you?  Getting past that, the movie has some good action, good Acting (overall) and sounds great.  I can't hate on Claudio Simonetti- sorry.  The best part is that everyone here is used in the best way possible.  Willie Aames (as the young man) is not that great of an Actor per se, but he looks naive, innocent and scared here.  Of course, it could be that Deodato really just dumped him out in the Jungle- he'd do it.  I love Steiner, Lynch, Berryman and the rest here.  Hell, I even kind of like Karen Black, something I almost never do.  It's an interesting film and stands out on its own.  It's not as great as Holocaust, but does some different stuff.  You should really give it a try, this silly shirt aside...

Next up, it's taken me over two years, but I'm finally going to do House III.  Will I regret leaving it in my Queue for all this time or will my hesitance be well-founded?  Stay tuned...

Project Terrible 10: The Barbarians

Let's end with something Terribly awesome.  Actually, this film is just alright, but it should be awesome.  Where do I begin?  It stars The Barbarian Brothers aka those dorks from Double Trouble.  I guess this was Bob's revenge for that movie.  The result: The Barbarians.  This 1987 film is really hard to find, despite being made by a controversial Director.  The man: Ruggero Deodato.  Apparently the punishment for gutting that Turtle on-screen was making a film with The Barbarian Brothers.  Fun Fact: I'm actually watching Cannibal Holocaust as I write this.  So why is this a movie?  Because of Conan The Barbarian, of course.  Without that iconic film, we wouldn't have such classics as Beastmaster 2, The Cave Dwellers, Lucio Fulci's Conquest, Barbarian Queen 2 and Deathstalker III.  This was yet another film to join this bunch of film gems, coming out three years after Conan The Destroyer.  It tells the tale of two young men who offend and wound a conqueror, leading to him keeping them alive to later get revenge on him.  This does sound like a pluralized version of Conan, but you're...kind of right.  There are some notable differences in the tale, as it also steals from other Films as well.  To see why this film is only available on YouTube with Romanian Subtitles burned into the print, read on...

Our heroes are orphans raised by a group of former Entertainers who happen upon an evil Warlord in the Desert.  It also looks like a lot like Gor, another film that came out in 1987.

Oh and that is not Emo Phillips in the middle.  I know- I thought that too.

The group is captured by the Warlord- Richard Lynch- and one of them bites two of his fingers off.  He agrees to let them live if their make-shift Mother stays with him...so he keeps them around for twenty-years in order for them to just kill each other.

Kudos for a long-reaching plan, Richard, but maybe you could be a bit less obtuse.

Lynch's two main henchman are The Dirtmaster (Michael Berryman) and a lady Wizard, who plans to get him a magic ruby to make him invincible.

You know you're in a low-budget film when you can't afford a diamond.

The pair- now played by the HGH Twins- fight each other in a fight set up to make them kill each other.  It fails when they realize who they are and flee...without their swords.  MENSA Members they are not.

Holy shit- George Eastman is in a trashy, Italian film.  Alert the press!

He plays Jacko, a man who eventually gives the pair weapons for the eventual- and underwhelming- uprising.

In a rather freaky scene, the pair sneak into the Warlord's Camp and find their 'mother.'  As they go to leave, one of the Brothers gets them pulled into a pile with Lynch's Harem, presumably-leading to an off-screen orgy.

Guys, she's not really your mother...but could you not do that in front of her?!?!?!?

At some point, this happens.  No context will help, so just enjoy this silliness.

A sort-of dragon is guarding the Ruby and our heroes manage to kill it.  All I can think of is just how silly it looks.

As it turns out, the feisty girl- who is presented a bit like Grace Jones from Destroyer at first- is the Princess, since the Ruby fit against her belly button.

In a bit of anti-climax, our heroes face Lynch is single-on-double combat.  They have a 'Mexican stand-off with Lynch, who's crossbow jams...somehow and they both throw their swords through him.  They ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after.

Well, until they made Twin Sitters.  It all went downhill after that.  The End.

Damn, is this film orange!  I blame most of the color issues on the source, which for all I know is a beat-up VHS tape from 1988.  Aside from that, I should probably judge the movie as a whole, not the shitty Transfer I got.  It's really, really dumb.  I love Ruggero, but not every film is Cannibal Holocaust.  He did, after all, make a knock-off of The Road Warrior called The Raiders of Atlantis.  Seriously, that's a film.  It is interesting to compare the film to all of the Barbarian films and see what's right and what's wrong.  The tone is all over the place here, including jokes, violent deaths and an implied orgy scene at one point.  What was the market here?  It's not as gory as Conan, so I guess it was going for a middle-of-the-road market.  The fact that we have no readily-available U.S. DVD of it should tell you how well that plan worked.  Is it better than the Ator films?  Well, it's less accidentally-silly- see the 'Ator makes a glider and lobs hand-grenades at a Castle' scene for proof of that.  Is it better than the Deathstalker/Barbarian Queen films?  Yes and no.  Nearly every film is better than Deathstalker IV, so that's kind of cheating.  I do enjoy Deathstalker II more, since it knew that it was utter shit and went with it.  Seriously, it's the best Audio Commentary Track ever!  The biggest flaw is, naturally, the leads.  They can't act and often do this weird grunt/laugh thing that I just don't get.  They suck- plain and simple.  You want to make this film better?  If so, then dub them over a la Lou Ferrigno and you've got a laughably-bad piece of Italian cheese.  As it is, it is about as deserving of a DVD release as my bootleg Shaolin Dolemite (Hi, Bob) DVD.  Sorry, Mr. Berryman...

Next up, let's take a look at something fun before we get dark.  It's a film about some guy name John dying in the End...or something.  Stay tuned...

Moon Over Miami: Dead Man's Hand/The Haunted Casino

Who needs a plot when you have C-List horror stars?  All kidding aside, I like Sid Haig and Michael Berryman.  I like Haig a little less because of the Rob Zombie connection.  To be fair, he was awesome in Galaxy of Terror, even if his own blade killed him.  As for Berryman, he mostly does bad movies because of his reputation and looks.  The bottom line: you don't cast him as the 'Wacky Uncle.'  So with this in mind, let's look at this 2007 cheapie from Charles Band- Dead Man's Hand: Casino of the Damned.  Oh, I mean, The Haunted Casino.  Despite the DVD on Netflix having the first title- and the film itself having it too- the movie is listed on Full Moon Direct under the second.  Both titles are silly, but at least the newer one relates more than a one-time line right before the end of the movie.  So what is this movie about?  Criminal ghosts inhabit a casino and try to kill people, since one of them is related to the guy who killed them.  Sounds like a Full Moon plot to me!  To find out how silly this really is, read on...

We get a shit-ton of filler here.  I'll spare you most of it and just give you this summary of what happens before the real horror begins...

- Two people check out the Casino and die.  More on them in a future Poor Bastards of Cinema induction.
- Our heroes show up to check out the place.  Their characters break down into Final Guy, Final Girl, Nerd Girl, Joke Guy, Slut Girl and Rocker Guy.
- They see random ghosts, which are signaled with changes to the lighting.  How?  Good question!
- They set up some H.L.A. (look it up) between Slut Girl and Nerd Girl...but never follow it up one bit.  Why would you set that up and do nothing?!?  Damn you, Charles Band!

All caught up now?  Good.  Scream.

Forty-five minutes into the film, the guys with above-the-title billing finally show up.  No, I don't count the fake newspaper shots of Haig and Berryman as 'them appearing.'  The guys were Casino heads who tried to kill our hero's uncle and were killed themselves.  It just so happens that our heroes showed up 24 hours before the 40th Anniversary of the deaths.  Right.

Our heroes are presented with 'games of chance' by the ghosts of those killed.  The ghosts cheat their asses off and kill most of the cast.  Real nice.

There's even a sub-plot where Rock Guy and Slut Girl get into a fight- since he has performance issues- and the ghost of a Waitress gets between them.  This leads to her showing her evil, ghost form and killing Slut Girl.  That was pretty pointless...but it did pad out the film.

After the deaths of 90% of the cast, our heroes put everything up to one last game of chance.  They win, so Haig lets them go, choosing not to cheat in this game...for once.  You want closure?  Tough shit.  The End.

Nobody wins in this Casino.  The plot of this movie is a waste of time.  I wish that I could say nicer things about it, but I can't.  They don't explain why the ghosts have powers.  Mind you, it's a step to assume that people can just come back to life as ghosts in the first place, let alone have reality-warping powers!  Most films that pull shit like this have them 'involved in voodoo' or 'brought back by Satan.'  Something- anything at all!  Aside from the fact that the plot makes no sense, it's just poorly-paced.  It takes forty-five minutes for anything of real value to happen, spending the rest of the time setting up the characters that just die off abruptly later.  All of the character sub-plots- including a romance between Nerd Girl and Joke Guy, the H.L.A. set-up & the Rock Guy, Slut Girl and Ghost Waitress- amount to nothing!  They are literally just there to pad out the film.  Speaking of padding, all of the 'ghosts challenge our heroes' scenes feel the same, making their numerous appearances feel longer than they should.  I could also point some major inconsistencies- like an F/X shot showing the first victim's head melting and his body being found with an intact head- throughout the film.  Plus, the bad guy from Blood Dolls is here playing a guy with an egg-shaped head.  Does he have head-variance written into his contracts?!?  If you like Full Moon films, you'll ignore all of this and probably like it no matter what I say though.

Do you like mummies from space?  Too bad- this film is mostly about PG-13 lesbians.  Stay tuned...