International Millennial Trash: Jaws in Japan

There are times that I hate you, Japan.  Many months back, I discovered the awesome pair of posters to a movie called Jaws in Japan.  I was thrilled.  About a month or so ago, I discovered that the film was being released in the United States- as Psycho Shark.  I was even more thrilled.  I waited in vain for Netflix to get the disc so that I could see it, but it didn't come.  I was upset.  In a moment of inspiration, I did a rare thing- a blind buy.  I was excited.  A few days later, I saw this movie.  I was pissed.  Why?  Well, there's plenty of time to get into that.  I'd rather discuss the...screw it, let's just get right to the shit.  Get your Bat Shark Repellent for my review of...

The film begins with five minutes of random small-talk and confusing Editing.  Essentially, a trio of bikini-clad women make small talk on the edge of a beach.  The first sign of this movie's small budget- it takes place on a strip of beach that's about 20 feet long and has no other people.  In a bit of Flash Editing, we suddenly see the people die...sort of.

The narrative switches to a pair of busty Japanese girls (good), who mostly just make small talk (bad).  I guess we're going for the 'natural dialog' thing, huh?  One of them wanders about and meets the owner of the tiny motel (sign #2 of the small budget), while the other discovers a tape under the bed.  She proceeds to just watch the tape.  Yea.

The next forty or fifty minutes pretty much just focuses on this.  It randomly cuts from the footage of the tape and some new stuff.  Mostly, it's just confusing.  I confused the hell out of my poor brother who didn't have the good sense to leave the room while I was trying to make sense of this shit.  Oh look, something interesting!

Never mind- it was a dream.  Nothing to see here...sadly.

Finally, something interesting happens for real this time as our heroines are cornered by the killers.  Out of nowhere, a shark shows up.  Other than a shadow before the credits and that fake-out above, this is his first appearance- 60 minutes into the film.  Sadly, the 3-D shark from Back to the Future, Part II looks more realistic!  In fact...

The shark attacks...sort of and suddenly jumps into the air.  Why?  How?  Who cares- something is freaking happening!  Give me something good, movie!

One of the women trips and seems to be in trouble.  Incoming!

You'd better move.  That thing is coming down.  Ooops- it's too late.  Now you're dead and...the movie is over.  65 minutes and this movie is over?  Bullshit!

I'd rather watch you watch this movie!  The plot of this movie...is not much of a plot.  It's too short films kind of squeezed together.  What's the point of this mess?  I mean, the plot is a trio of women go to a strip of beach...and get killed, I think.  One of them is definitely-killed, but the others...maybe are.  It's hard to be specific in regards to a movie that is so damn vague!  They think that Editing the movie in a flashy and confusing way, their movie is 'cool.'  It's not.  It just pisses me off.  A stupid, simple plot like this should be rendered so incomprehensible!  Nothing happens for about an hour and when it finally happens, it's goofy as hell!  On top of that, the silly scene just ends in a dark, abrupt manner...and then the movie ends.  You can't just do that, can you?  The bottom line- no matter how you feel, don't watch this movie!  It's awful.  It hurts.  It makes me want to question every awesome poster I see for the rest of my life.  I'll see a silly poster and go 'Yeah, it's probably just another piece of shit like Jaws in Japan.'  Way to ruin things for me!  Now there's the question of what I do with the DVD, since I, you know, own it.  For now, I'm just going to go in my room and do this...

Next up, the British give us a shitty, slasher film.  Good to see that you make it too, I guess.  Stay tuned...

International Millenial Trash: Plankton

Given that the theme of this week is Weird Monsters, it's only fitting that the first film is from Italy.  This is the same country that brought us post-apocalyptic killer rats, zombies that throw railroad spikes through people's hands and a film where people get molested by Nazi ghosts.  Unlike those films I just mentioned, this one was not made in the 1980s.  However, it does still look like it was.  Bad production values or intentional joke- you decide!  One thing that's great about this movie is the fact that they are clearly trying to hide the fact that it's foreign.  In fact, the film's lone Special Feature of note is an interview with the Director.  It's done in English, but it's more broken than a Ford Pinto!  Nice try, guys!  The film tells the tale of some 'teens' that end up on a boat where weird experiments were going on.  Apparently, it all relates to killer fish, radioactive plankton and some of the worst CG shots you've ever seen.  They make the obvious CG doubles from Daredevil look like something made by ILM!  Will this film succeed where those other films didn't or just provide more evidence that the Italian Renaissance was a fluke?  Get out your plankton cocaine for my review of...

Oh yeah, I should note that Plankton is one of the film's two different titles.  I guess they looked the more generic title for the actual film.  We get a pre-credits scene showing our heroes (three ladies and two guys) going off in a boat.  They mock one guy for being 'cheeky' and almost leave him behind.  Ha ha- it's funny because he'd be stuck!  After some generic city shots and a title card explaining to us that this is Miami, Florida (yeah, right), we cut to the people out in the ocean.  So the point of that city establishing stuff was what exactly?  Immediately, they are floating adrift because they ran out of gas for their boat's motor.  Why am I getting Open Water 2 flashbacks?  Thankfully my instincts are wrong as they eventually 'stumble' across a yacht floating adrift.  Hey, maybe it's got those two idiots from Open Water 2 on it.  Nope.  Instead, it's pretty much empty, save for signs of previous life on board, some food and, oh yeah, a bio-chemistry lab.  It's full of fish, samples of stuff and giant microscopes.  In one unintentionally funny bit, the guy recognizes a giant electron microscope because he 'studied Biology in College.'  The next line comes from one of the women: 'That's a refrigerator.'  Yes, you must have 'studied Cooking in College.'  Sadly, that line doesn't make it into the movie.  Anyways, when they find nobody around, they decide to get drunk and eat all of the food.  During all of this, a POV shot monster wanders around, but does nothing.

Eventually, the people figure out that some weird shit was going on.  Gee, could it be related to all of the POV death shown before you arrived or maybe, just maybe, the dead body that floated towards your boat earlier?  I dunno!  Our hero- who looks like an Italian Andy Samberg- figures out that the people were doing weird experiments on fish.  This becomes pretty clear when a badly-inserted shot of a fish attacks the group.  Oh my God, my Big-Mouthed Bass has got Rabies!  If you ever wanted to see a fight scene that looked like a broken Wii game, this is your movie!  After battling the non-real fish, our hero tends to his fiancee's neck wound.  Gee, this won't come back to haunt you later.  Immediately following this, the man has an heroic freak-out when he realizes the obvious truth about the creatures on-board.  This results in him smashing the the numerous glass contrainers holding the samples.  It's eerily reminiscent of the 'this is your brain on drugs' commercial.  Take note of how he nearly maims his male friend during this whole thing too.  As Stewie once said 'Yeah, that was a reasonable reaction to that.'  As we learn, part of the rage came from the fact that his lady is pregnant.  You're not going where I think you're going, are you film?  While one of the generic blonds goes to sleep, the other goes off to see the jerk guy and have sex with him.  Unfortunately for her, he turns into a fish monster in mid-coitus due to inhaling some 'plankton cocaine' earlier.  It's pretty much what it is.  Oh yeah, that POV monster continues to wander around and do nothing.

Our dumb-ass heroes actually manage to be fooled for a bit by the man.  Yes, he turned human for like three seconds, so you must have just imagined seeing a giant fish monster!  He attacks the fiancee via a tentacle coming up through the sink...somehow before he's stopped.  When he's revealed fully, our heroes flee with the blond.  However, she begins to mutate due to being infected via her 'Lady GaGa.'  Grabbing the non-descript scientist- who was so important that I forgot to even mention him earlier- the trio run away.  However, our hero stops to light a bunch of fires in the bottom of the boat to kill everything on board.  It's there that he meets a humanoid fish monster...that is not really explained.  It's also a very obvious claymation double filling in for a CG creation.  Dario Argento introduced CG into Italian cinema with 1994's The Stendhaal Syndrome, but I guess you were too cheap to use it in 2000.  He manages to get away- since they had no budget for them actually fighting- and they flee for their lives.  Unfortunately, the humanoid monster got ahead of them...somehow, so the scientist sacrifices his life to slow it down.  As they near the exit, the fiancee stops, explaining that she is infected from the bite earlier.  Rather than hurting him, she takes the spear gun and 'Bangkok Dangerous'' herself.  Our saddened hero flees into the water and swims away, only to be killed by the POV monster.  That's why you were here, huh?

This movie sucks- big surprise!  The story is silly, barely finding time to explain itself along the way.  Even if it did, I don't care about these characters in the sligthest.  They try a little bit, but it's not enough.  As far as the action goes, there is very little.  After some early POV stuff, we pretty much get nothing until the fish scene.  I guess the weird hallucinations are supposed to suffice, huh?  What litle we get looks, well, terrible.  The way they stuck in the fish for the 'fight' scene really does look like some of the early demos of people playing Wii games where they fend off ninjas or something.  The rest of it is model and claymation work.  That was acceptable in Deadly Spawn, but that was made over a decade earlier!  The biggest problem is related to the low production values and just overall cheap look of the film.  Given that, I'm never sure if the look is meant to be ironic a la Grindhouse or is just that shitty.  If this review ever makes it to the director, be sure to let me know.  Can I recommend this film?  To the most hardcore of goofy horror/monster films, yes.  To any self-respecting moviegoer, no.  It had potential, but really failed to reach it.

Up next, a recent horror film delves into Hammer territory with a tale involving a Banshee.  Will the exclamation points in the title prove to be ironic?  Stay tuned...