'70s Trash: Jack the Ripper (1976)

 Klaus Kinski as a crazed killer- what a shock.  Today's Film is Jack the Ripper, a 1976 Film by Jesus Franco.  The obvious hook here is Klaus as the killer.  It's no SPOILER- the Film shows him right away!  Let me ask the obvious question- did we need this Movie?  Even in 1976, there were alot of them.  Saucy Jack was all over TV and Films in the previous Years.  Can this one bring anything new?  Well, it is before Time Travel became a key Plot Point, so...we'll see.  To see if we needed another one, read on...

In jolly Old London, a killer named 'Jack' (Kinski) is on the loose!  The only living witness is a blind man, so he's good, right?

This shot is so good that it is on my DVD's Cover, apparently.

In a nice little twist, the killer has a helper.  

Unfortunately, they drag the body past a rare plant, setting up a Plot Point for later.

Jack is actually Dr. Orloff and he treats some patients.  If you think that this guy being a Patient and later having him talk to the Police about Suspects is important, you're right.

Do you write Screenplays?

One of the Detectives working the case has his own Subplot...

His Girlfriend is a Dancer and there's conflict over him being overly-protective. of her.  He's also a bit controlling, but trying to work on it.

Will this come into play later?

Kinski's Doctor/Jack is conflicted due to this past.  He's also a bit crazy.

So here's the thing: the Film was shot without sound, making the dubbing for distribution later quite easy.

I mention this because the English Dubbing literally explains his problem.  F@#k subtext!

A key piece of evidence- circumstantial as it is- involves the blind man recognizing a rare plant smell on the Doctor.

Will this be the key to finding Kinski?

The girlfriend/dancer goes undercover as a Burlesque Dancer to lure out 'Jack' and it works.

Less effective- the lighting on this DVD Transfer.

Kinski finally snaps and tries to kill the woman, but the Police arrive to stop him.

He hides from them...

...and then comes out like nothing happened.

They say that he's under arrest, but sarcastically wishes them good luck in proving it.  The Film just kind of stops there, so...um, the End.

A pretty nothing Film, even if it tries to do something.  The whole idea here is to focus less on the mystery and more on the man.  Kinski is good here, even if his performance is hampered by the fact that he's 100% dubbed.  It's hard to say how good he is when a good half of his performance was done by someone else, no?  His motivations aren't that interesting.  His Mom was a Prostitute and he hated her, so...he became a Doctor that killed them?  Nothing all that exciting or unique, no?  The other aspect involving the woman going undercover is alright, but is not a big hook here either.  Considering that she doesn't actually stop him is what kills it for me.  She just becomes another victim- who does survive, at least- so what does it gain us?  All of the peripheral ideas- like this and the blind guy helper- don't add up to enough to make this Jack the Ripper Film feel fresh or unique.  Just make him an Alien already or count me out!  Another quick note- make your fake blood look less like primer too...

Next time, a famous French Film finally gets its due.  If you're so Lost, maybe don't live in the middle of the Sea.  Stay tuned...

Rare Flix/Forgotten Sequel?: Vampire in Venice

At long last, the rare Sequel to a fairly-forgotten Remake of a Film that shouldn't legally exist.  Confused?  I'm not, so let me help you out.  In 1929, the Film Nosferatu was made to get around the Stoker Family not giving them the Copyright.  Universal would obviously get it, but that would be 2 years later.  The Stoker's sued and actually won the case, meaning that the Copyright-defying Film should be destroyed.  It wasn't, obviously.  Fifty years later, Werner Herzog did a Remake of the Film- now with Sound, Color and Klaus Kinski.  It's good, but also quite Arty.  In 1988, we got a Sequel...kind of.  Basically, everyone was on board with making it a full-fledged Sequel, save for one guy: Klaus Kinski.  He didn't want to shave his head or wear the make-up- deal with it!  On top of that, the Film went through a number of Directors before the Producer took over.  Given his reputation, would it shock you to find out that Klaus was the source of most of the problems?  I didn't think so.  After so many issues, how did the final product turn out?  To find out, read on...

A Professor (Christopher Plummer) comes into town after strange reports from a family in Venice.

Their house was the site of a Vampire attack 200 years earlier during a time when the Plague was effecting the City.

Looking into some artifacts, Plummer discovers the name of the Vampire...

Speaking of the Vampire, he shows up...eventually and doesn't look much like the guy you saw last time.

In Kinski's defense, I've never gone through the make-up process.  Of course, I've also never been *paid* to do so either...

Unfortunately, the Seance they do appears to bring back the Vampire (don't ask me!).  Are they prepared for this?  In a word, no.

This Vampire goes on the attack, but takes a different approach.  He kills the family matriarch, but only after he bites her...and makes her swallow a silver necklace- so she'll die again once she transforms into a Vampire.

Sure- why not?

The father of the Virgin (sure!) that Nosferatu seeks out tries to kill him with a Shotgun.  It...gets and odd result.

They even try to the old 'draw the cross on him' bit, but that doesn't work either.  I'm not sure why.

In the End, Nosferatu does get to be with the virgin.  However, his wish was to be with her so he could truly die so...victory for us?  Dunno.  The End.

I won't lie- the end result is weird.  Do consider the circumstances, of course.  The Film lost 3 Directors during production.  Its Producer took over- to avoid paying any more Directors- but he wasn't experienced.  As such, he allegedly had his Assistant- Luigi Cozzi- and his Star help him make the final product!  So yeah, this all sorts of a mess.  Is Nosferatu alive?  Is he a spirit?  Cozzi actually talks about the Film in an interview I found, which does shed some light on this.  He talks about shooting some Second Unit Footage- crowd shots, exteriors, etc- with Kinski in broad daylight...since the Star felt like it.  Mind you, we only have Cozzi's word on this (since Kinski is long dead), but...I buy it.  In the Film's best moments, its strange, dream-like quality works to create atmosphere.  In the Films worst moments, weird things just kind of happen.  For example, the dad unloads a bunch shots at Nosferatu, which blows a hole in chest...until it doesn't.  I don't know what happened there.  Any guesses?  Regardless, this is a neat Film...it is just a shame that it is so damn confusing.  I don't hate it, but I don't love it.  Cross my heart...

Next up, I finally check out the Remake of a British Film that is far more famous than the original.  Will this lady be back in Black for good?  Stay tuned...

Klaus Know Me?: Web of the Spider

Antonio Marghetti is a name that should be more famous than it is.  Known more in the States as Anthony Dawson, the director made over 50 films in his forty-plus year career.  Highlights include Yor- The Hunter From The Future, Cannibal Apocalypse, Seven Deaths in the Cat's Eye and Castle of Blood.  The latter is important to speak for today's review.  Blood was made in 1964 and features a really, ingenious premise.  Famous author Edgar Allen Poe and a friend meet up with a man and make a bet with him: spend a night in this haunted house and you'll win some money.  Despite having it's only star be Barbara Steele (nothing to scoff at, mind you), the film is an amazing triumph in Gothic sensibilities.  Seriously, check it out- you'll love it.  For some reason, Antonio decided to remake his own movie a mere seven years later.  Why?  All we can figure is that Blood was made in lovely, monochromatic black & white and he wanted to make a color version.  Sure- why not?!?  There were some changes, however.  A new star was brought in- Tenebre's Anthony Franciosa- for the lead, Steele was out and an international star was brought in to play Poe.  Obviously, given the title of this segment, you can guess who- Klaus Kinski.  Yes, a German actor is playing an American writer in an Italian film.  Just wow.  Will his presence make this film a winner?  Get out your 1,000,000 candles for my review of...

Okay, truth time: this is almost the exact same movie.  They put in a new introductory sequence with Kinski wandering angrily around a room, but, otherwise, it's the same.  After ten minutes, Klaus and his non-mustache are gone from the film.  What follows is a dull exercise in repetition that even a good actor can't save- sorry Franciosa.  Klaus returns in the ending for the same, ironic finale to the film.  It has a low-resolution, pan-and-scan VHS print to boot.  Feh.

Man, this movie really sucks.  It's a shame too, since Castle of Blood is so great!  Everything about the movie is just lost in this pointless remake.  For example, a lot of the tone has to do with the great, moody atmosphere set in the dark, dreary castle.  In this movie, it's gaudy Technicolor that makes everything visible at all times.  This is especially noticeable in re-used dialogue referring to 'objects viewable by candlelight.'  News Flash: it's visible from space!  The acting is not all that bad, but, to be fair, this thing is dubbed.  Is Blue Underground too busy to get us a good quality, un-dubbed version?  Does Anchor Bay just have too many re-releases of The Evil Dead on its plate to get this movie released right?  Given the cast, the production quality and the director, this should be great.  Unfortunately, revisionist thinking, a bad transfer and poor pacing killed this experience for me.  I wanted to like you- I really did.  Much like free bread given to make up for late service, you're just too little too late.

Up next, Forgotten Sequels brings you a movie that comes all the way from Mars.  Can a movie involving sex, aliens and exploding heads be bad?  Stay tuned...

Klaus Know Me?: Venom (1981)

Klaus Kinski is a man whose talents have worked for many countries.  Just this month, we've seen him in a Spanish film, an Italian film and now it's a British one.  As a bonus, this movie was originally meant to be directed by Tobe Hooper.  According to reports, the film's two stars- Oliver Reed and Kinski- did not like Hooper and did everything they could to get rid of him.  This plan worked and the T.C.M. director was gone after a mere ten days.  In his place was Piers Haggard, the man who brought us The Fiendish Plot of Fu Manchu.  That's right- he directed Peter Sellers' last movie, which was both racist and not funny.  I can see why they were so high on the guy!  The film is based on a book, apparently, and takes place in London.  This does beg the question of why Hooper was initially hired in the first place, but, whatever.  So the film is about two convergent events: a poisonous snake arriving at a kid's house and a hostage situation occurring.  Worst day ever!!!  Given the relatively-dubious quality of the Kinski films so far, can this one do any better or will it just kill my nervous system?  Get out your anti-snake helmet for my review of...

The movie begins with a rich kid being picked up from school by his butler (Reed) and his mother.  This scene runs for a few moments, mostly in an attempt to get the credits in.  This is a very good argument for putting the credits at the end of the movie, guys!  Anyways, the mother is worried because...well, she's a doting mother stereotype.  The kid is at home with the grandfather, who is a fun character.  Naturally, this means that she believes him to be reckless and crazy.  She has to go away on a trip that's for both business and pleasure.  She worries and dotes for a few minutes before finally leaving the movie.  You won't be missed.  During all of that, the butler and the maid do some sort of scheming.  Gee, they look trustworthy!  The woman calls up someone who turns out to be...drum roll please...Klaus Kinski.  The grandpa and son get along great, talking about the old man's past in Africa.  Gee, I wonder if knowledge about animals from Africa will come in handy.  The kid goes out to a pet store and picks up his delivery of a snake.  Unfortunately, the store finds out too late that the Black Mamba meant for a poison-testing lab was sent there instead.  Ruh roh.  Meanwhile, Kinski sets up a meeting with the grandfather...only to bail on him.  Yeah, I don't get that at all.

Klaus arrives at the house and the group enacts their master plan.  Unfortunately for them, they draw some police attention.  Well, at least it's only a couple cops.  Oops, Oliver just blasted one with a shotgun.  Now you guys may have some trouble.  To make matters worse, they open the box and the snake bites the maid.  Never mind that the snake clearly has no fangs (see above shot).  It's a bit like the zombie vs. shark battle where the shark has had all of it's teeth pulled.  The wily snake escapes into the vents as the people freak out.  Reed gets mad (big surprise), but Kinski- surprisingly- stays calm and collected.  The whole situation turns into a hostage crisis.  The police surround the area.  While this is happening, the maid is slowly dying from the snake venom.  By the way, if you love ridiculous acting, her performance here is golden!  The woman from the poison-studying group calls up the cops and warns them about the situation, but all is still not clear to them yet.  Speaking of the snake, he's crawling through the air ducts in a scene we would later enjoy in Die Hard.

Things get more tense and dramatic as the story continues.  The snake gets loose for a bit and does some P.O.V. style-attacks.  Eventually, it ends up in the basement where it attacks Reed.  Outside, the poison expert negotiates for the girl to be sent out and given the cure...only for it to be a trick and have Kinski bring her inside.  They threaten her with violence and send out a finger of her's to prove how serious they are.  Mind you, this turns out to be one of the dead maid's, but it's still interesting.  Holy Michael Gough sighting!  Gough appears to help the police by showing them a side entrance to the house, while the main cop gears up as a motorcycle cop.  Why?  To protect him from the snake bites, of course.  They go inside and get attacked by the snake.  However, they do manage to kill Reed with a shotgun blast.  Things get really tense as Kinski puts the poison expert out on the balcony for cover while he negotiates.  That all falls apart when the snake attacks him, biting his face!  He gets shot when the woman moves, leading to his bloody corpse falling off the balcony.  They head-shot the snake during all of this too, by the way.  The day is saved...but the mother shows up again.  Oh well- you win some, you lose some.

This movie...has a lot of potential, but doesn't quite live up to them.  The plot is a simple one, but it works.  The problem is that they can only do so much, leading to many long pauses and breaks.  The constant cross-cutting between the snake, the police, the criminals and the hostages wears a little thin too.  It's not terrible- just a bit distracting.  There are also a lot of times when the movie feels a bit overly-dramatic too.  For example, three armed men can do nothing when facing down a single snake?  I get what you're going for movie, but it just feels odd.  On the upside, Reed and Kinski both play their parts to perfection.  Mind you, depending on how much of their personal history you believe, these roles are pretty much their actual personalities!  Plus, I'll never complain about a surprise Michael Gough cameo.  If you like these kind of thrillers, this will please you.  If you like scarier stuff, look elsewhere.

Next up, Forgotten Sequels returns with a story 20+ years in the making.  Will it be worth the wait or just leave you wanting an axe to the face?  Stay tuned...

Klaus Know Me?: Slaughter Hotel

You're getting a double-dose of Klaus this week, so count your blessings!  The thing about your German dynamo is that he was in a lot of genre films.  It sort of became a joke, actually, that he would turn down some major film roles and, instead, do low-budget stuff in the genre-specific markets.  "I don't need to do a Francis Ford Coppola film- there's a WWII film that needs me!"  I mention that because that's exactly what he did in the case of today's movie.  Slaughter Hotel aka The Cold Blooded Beast aka The Man Who Kills In Cold Blood aka Asylum Erotica was made in 1971 by Fernando Di Leo.  If you don't know that name, you shouldn't feel bad.  Between 1964 and 1985, he made- you guessed it- many genre films, including such compelling films as Naked Violence, The Italian Connection and Death Commando.  The film was made after the sudden rise of Giallo and fits the mold pretty well.  The only problem: the focus is almost entirely on the naughty stuff, not the violence.  In fact, considering the title, the actual 'slaughter' is few and far between.  Even so, this has Klaus, so it can still be redeemed.  Get out your bloody axe collection for my review of...

Right off the bat, a strange person dressed like The Phantom of the Opera via Scooby-Doo wanders around and finds a woman in bed.  She writhes about, revealing her naked body.  Before it can attack her, the lights come on nearby and they flee.  No murder and just boobs, eh?  This does set the tone for the whole movie, people!  The movie proper begins with long shots of a couple driving in a car.  The woman is not happy, but the man is fairly calm.  They get to the titular hotel (although it's not in my title) and she gets out.  She starts to try and talk to him...when he promptly drives away.  She is met by a doctor (not Klaus) who goes to lead the bothered woman to her room.  By the way, the front door has a separate, tiny door on it.  WHY?!?  She tries to attack with him a stick, but, since all psychiatrists are psychics, he stops her with his back turned to her and leads her on.  Yes, let's just ignore that attempted assault!  It's around this time that we find out this is a psychiatric hospital for hot models, who never once stop wearing their designer clothes and make-up.  No, really.  On top of that, one of the nurses- a dead ringer for Magenta from Rocky Horror- is engaging in an affair with a black patient.  I know that she kind of looks like Sade, but it's still wrong!  In addition to that, their is the man I like to think of as Dr. Red Herring (Klaus Kinski).  He's got to be up to something...right?

The big problem with the movie becomes very clear in the middle portion: the movie has almost no gore, but lots of nudity.  For example, one of the women is apparently a nymphomaniac, which is always the sexiest kind of mental illness.  By the way, I have free space for your patients if you get full, guys!  She sneaks out- through the tiny door- and goes to find the gardener (not Joe Dallesandro), disrobing when she sees him.  They have sex, a bit that overshadows the fact that the masked killer decapitates a nurse!  All of this leads up to...well, nothing.  She hangs around for a bit, but only gets one major scene later.  The relationship between the nurse and Not Sade continues to develop with all of the subtlety you might expect.  What?  You don't think that most psychiatric hospitals have one-on-one massages done by the nurses, clad only in their underwear?  Okay, so they clearly don't!  The killer eventually picks up his pace a bit, going after one of the blond patients.  His killing method needs a little work, however.  He sneaks into her room and...puts his knife in her hand.  When she wakes up, she, shockingly, tries to attack him.  He struggles with her before stabbing her to death.  What did you think would happen?

Just as the story ramps up, the pointless nude scenes do as well.  Every time a woman is on-screen, she pretty much has to be at least topless.  In one weird scene, Not Sade and Not Magenta come out of the bathroom together and...start doing interpretive dance.  No, really.  This starts to escalate into something more, but, first, Not Sade goes to open the window...only to get shot by a crossbow bolt fired by the killer!  How do you plan for that?!?  Finally, after all of the deaths, the police get involved.  They discover that there is a drawer full of weapons that the killer has been using.  Not only that, but they are out in the hallway!  I have to ask this again: what kind of hospital are you running here?!?  The killer sneaks around for a bit as the police search for him.  It's at this time that we learn that Dr. Red Herring is not the killer.  What a twist!  Despite the police's boasting, he runs away from them, kills a couple of officers and makes it to one of the hospital's bedrooms.  Since these woman can do nothing but cower in the corner, they all get hacked to death (see below)!  Finally, the police come in and shoot the guy- he was nobody important- to death with about 100 bullets in true Sam Peckinpah-style!  The End.

Holy crap, this movie sucks!  The whole premise a lot of promise: a killer in a psychiatric hospital full of hot women.  How do you screw that up?!?  Well, the answer is simple: you make it all about the sex and not about the killing.  This movie is similar in style to many Franco films, just pressed through a blender into an attempt to ape Dario Argento's style.  None of the good comparisons hold up, but the bad ones sure do!  The plot meanders so much, even stopping to let all of the women have flashbacks to scenes we already saw!  Did the film just come in five minutes too short, so they added this shit?  For a film called Slaughter Hotel, (The) Cold Blooded Beast or The Man Who Kills in Cold Blood, it is an utter lie.  For a movie called Asylum Erotica, it's right on the money!  How about you be more honest, next time?  Is that too much to ask?

Up next, it's a rare DOUBLE Blockbuster Trash.  It's a showdown between two of the most dull horror films ever!  Stay tuned...

Klaus, Know Me?: Star Knight

Klaus Kinski is a name known to most foreign film buffs, but not many others.  The man had a fifty year career (1948 to 1989) career, yet he's still fairly-obscure to the mainstream.  That's sad- so let me do my best to fix that.  

Sure, Klaus has been dead since 1991, but it's the thought that counts!  

The first film to showcase is an obscure Spanish film with a premise that sold me instantly.  It's simple: aliens in medieval times.  How has this not been done a dozen times yet?  The movie stars Klaus Kinski, Harvey Keitel and a bunch of other Spanish guys that I don't know.  Now, there is one problem to note: the whole thing is dubbed- at least in my version.  With a movie this obscure, there aren't many types of prints available, so you may be stuck with a dubbed, pan-and-scan version like I was.  Regardless, you should still check this out.  

Don't believe me?  Well, read on, true believers!  Get out your fish-bowl helmets for my review of...

The movie begins with a bit of silly narration talking about how people were obsessed with the idea of alchemy.  That's nice, but how does it relate to, oh, anything?  In a castle, an occult priest (Kinski) prays for a sign from the Heavens and gets...a blinding light.  Thanks God- now I'm blind!  

A bunch of other people see the light too, although with a less jubilant view than Klaus.  This light comes from an alien spaceship that flies by!  All of this drives the peasants crazy, as we see in a montage showing how they are freaking out and making up stories.  I guess if I had nothing to do but shovel shit all day, I might want to focus on something else too!  

The job of stopping this chaos and potential uprising falls on the King's Knight Klever (Keitel).  He doesn't seem to be very successful with just talk, so there is only one solution: he must slay the dragon.  By the way, the villagers think that there is a dragon around.  All of this distracts him from his main goal of romancing the King's daughter (some Spanish actress).  

The problem: she doesn't feel a damn thing for him.  On top of that, there is a conflict for the King's attention between his priest (another Spanish guy) and his 'wizard' (the aforementioned Kinski).  

To get away from all of that, the Princess goes out to the nearby lake and goes for a skinny dip.  Unfortunately, this leads to her being abducted by the spaceship.  Whoops.

In the wake of the Princess' disappearance, the King and Klever go out to the lake- since the woman's handler saw the event- and try to find her.  The lady makes sure to blame it on 'a dragon,' since these guys just love a narrative.  As night falls, Klever and the others are floating around in boats and 'challenging the dragon.'  Finally, the ship moves about- apparently it left the lake and came back- and flies away.  

They draw this out, since the movie is supposed to be a comedy.  

It's all about making Klever look like an idiot, basically.  This includes having him fall out of his boat, flail around and all sorts of stuff like that.  We are also treated to a running joke here that I don't exactly get.  The first time the Princess went to the lake, she passed by a Knight who 'wasn't supposed to let anyone pass.'  She tricks her way past him, setting up the arrival of the King and his men later.  He tries the same thing with them, but he has to let them by.  All this was missing was the 'wah wah' sound effect to complete.  

I hope you like this guy, because he has at least three more scenes doing the same schtick.  On the ship, we learn that the 'dragon' has an alien man as its controller.  He looks very odd in his scaly spacesuit and fish-bowl helmet.  In spite of all that, she falls in love.

Eventually, the Princess convinces the alien to return her to her homeland.  The 'wizard' tracks them down- passing by the stupid Knight at the bridge again- and meets up with the alien (see above).  He forms a bond with the 'person' and decides to help the lovers out.  

On the flip-side, the Priest and Klever are in the King's ear (not literally) and convince him that only the Knight can kill 'the dragon.'  If he, or anyone, does this, they will be married to the Princess and inherit half of the kingdom.  The King's men find where the ship has landed (insert Knight at bridge-again) and Klever calls him out.  Being sort-of a bitch, the Princess goads him into fighting for her honor.  Wow, good satire in this film- for once!  He actually drops her outside of the ship, making Klever happy, but her not.  

However, the alien shows up on the bridge-guarding Knight's horse and challenges Klever.  The fight goes back and forth, eventually leading to Klever hitting the alien.  He hits an unseen button, however, and gets his armor switched with the alien's!  The now-nude alien lies dying (he can't breathe our air) until Klaus pours liquid gold down his throat- saving him.  Meanwhile, Klever and the priest try to kill the dragon from the inside, ultimately leading to them being launched into space.  The 'Star Knight' returns with the Princess and gets his wishes.  The End.

This movie...could have been a lot better.  The plot actually has a lot of promise, but falters quite a bit.  Much like Scream, it makes fun of the clichés while also doing them!  There is some good satire, but slow pacing in the middle hurts the flow of it all.  Some of the acting is pretty good, as Keitel and Klaus really nail their roles well.  The filler characters- i.e. the bridge-guarding Knight- don't do so well though.  On top of that, the DVD version is dubbed...badly and never syncs up.  On one hand, it adds a camp element.  On the other hand, it is very distracting.  The presentation is good though and there are some unique things to be seen.  In more competent hands, it could have become a real cult classic that pulls the air out of all of those 'sword and chivalry' films.  As it is, it is a very-forgotten film that doesn't get the attention that it should have.  I can't say for sure that you'll like the movie, but it sure is something that you probably have not seen before.  In an age of same-old, same old and sequels out the wazoo, I'll take that.

Next up, I give you a second dose of Klaus with an Italian slasher film.  What happens when the film is more obsessed with sex than plot though?  Stay tuned...