Alien Week: Alien Agent

No, Adrian Paul is not in this movie!  Today's movie is Alien Agent, a Direct-to-DVD movie starring Marc Dacascos.  If you don't know him, he's the star of a bunch of low-budget action films like Crying Freeman, Only the Strong and, naturally, an Asylum film called I Am Omega.  The plot is simple...sort of.  It's never good when I qualify that, is it?  Basically, an alien race wants to colonize Earth as their new home-world and they don't care who they have to kill to do it.  However, that's only a fringe group- the rest are good.  They send their best Agent- Dacascos- to make things right and stop the aliens that come here to set the invasion in-motion.  Why they send one when there are dozens of criminals is never explained.  This does sound similar to the plot of Tracker/Alien Tracker, a show/'film' starring Adrian Paul.  There are minor tweaks to the story- them being criminals and not militants- but they are similar.  One major difference you'll see here is, well, something that you have to see to believe.  To find out what it is and if this film is actually competent, read on...

Marc is an alien agent looking for his foes.  When they rob a military truck- by way of a femme fatale back-flipping into the truck!-, he springs into generic action.  Cue car chase shoot-out!

After getting ejected from his car, him and another alien engage in a kung-fu fight.  When things go his way, Marc pulls out a shotgun with special rounds and then the silly moment occurs...

You see, these aliens are basically sparkles that take up human bodies.  That's less cool than a kick-ass, bi-racial alien fighter for sure.  The silly effects don't help!

As for Billy Zane, he plays a Redneck- though this is set in the Mid-West- who hits on this small-town waitress with a tattoo shirt.  Was that a trend for five seconds that I missed?  Didn't think so.

Out drinking, Zane is drowned in a lake that a meteor hit.  Just go with me, people.  This allows the sparkle aliens to take over his body.  In this case, it's the militant group's General- the big cheese!

When the action hits the small town, Marc and the Waitress join forces.  She's his Short-Round, folks!

In action, Marc generally kicks ass and can't be killed by bullets...sort of.  As the film progresses, his powers weaken.  It's just a shame that someone with actual acting range isn't around to convey the emotion involved!

Not that it matters.  For all of the movie's decent action and plotting, silly stuff like this is just hard to ignore.  He is all made of stars!!!

Oh and there's a sub-plot where the teenager wants to sleep with Dacascos.  You realize that you're trying to f#%k an alien Scarecrow, right?!?

Wonder why I haven't mentioned Zane in a while?  Well, he's only in about five scenes- one with Dacascos.

As the biggest 'star' here (by virtue of being in Titanic), he is quickly written out, setting up the fight between Dacascos and his former-girlfriend.  He wins.  Afterwards, he risks the portal to go home, but...

It's all a ruse.  He just comes back seconds later, making the teenager think that he's gone forever.  What a dick!

In a post-script, he fights more alien terrorists, setting up a sequel that nobody requested.  The End.

Sparkle sparkle sparkle!  This movie is certainly interesting in theory, but pretty lackluster in execution.  It's not just a budgetary thing either.  Admittedly, if the movie had a $40,000,000 budget instead of a $4,000,000 one, the effects would be better.  That aside, the action is uneven.  In the opening scene, Dacascos kicks lots of ass.  In his next fight scene against a fellow alien, he gets the shit kicked out of him!  He only wins by grabbing his Shotgun Ex Machina (a plot idea later seen in Drive Angry) and getting one shot in.  Even in his final fight scene, it's closer than you'd imagine, with the exception of instantly knocking away Zane.  Why is he in this again?  He appears in one scene as the redneck, gets killed in the next and spends the rest of the movie occasionally showing up to say 'How are things going?' and then disappearing.  Why cast him and do nothing with him?  He gets one brief 'I'm evil' speech before being disposed of and even that's not very good.  If he's supposed to be like Zod- alien General, main villain-, you have done a terrible job of doing that!  I can name numerous bad movies built around having C-List action stars fight- they actually have it happen.  Hell, even the titular creatures in Human Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy fight- for about 20 seconds, granted!  It is also hard to ignore the similarities to the Adrian Paul vehicle covered recently.  This is definitely better than the 'film' version, but it's not great.  If you like Direct-to-Video Action, you can do far worse.  Other than the silly effects, it lacks the goofy charm of other films to draw in the curious.  As it is, it falls flat- in the middle of the pack.

Next up, I go into Instant Viewing territory with an Australian import.  This may seem familiar.  Stay tuned...

Werewolf Week: Wolvesbayne

Welcome to Dracula's Curse!  As weird as this sentence sounds, today's movie appears to be a rip-off of an Asylum film.  I know, I'm shocked too!  The film in question is Bram Stoker's Dracula's Curse, a film I reviewed just over a year ago.  The similarities are so striking that I'm just amazed that anyone would touch it.  I'll go more into the plot similarities in the review, but I'll point out that a lot of the cast is shared among both films.  Both films have Rhett Giles and Leigh Scott, a common Asylum performer.  In a bit of confusion, the IMDB page for the films does not list them as being related.  However, whoever wrote the FAQs for them seems to disagree.  The same page also lists Curse as 'Following' Frankenstein Reborn and The Beast of Bray Road...since they have a lot of the same cast (Ghiles, etc).  So, in summary, IMDB is about as trustworthy as your neighborhood coke dealer.  With an all-star cast that includes one of the London twins, I'm sure that we'll get something great.  To see more proof to the contrary, read on...

In an exposition dump full of cheap CG and bad acting, we learn that a bunch of vampires locked up Lilith for all time, hoping that she wouldn't come back.  Considering that it's a well-worn Yancy Butler, it's a shame that they failed...

Oh yeah, they use the Nosferatu Amulet.  Words fail me.

The main plot involves a jerk (London) trying to get a building development done and rubbing a shop owner the wrong way.  Thanks to a random werewolf attack, he gets dragged into a plot involving werewolves, vampires and...

Rhett Ghiles, again playing a Van Helsing.  Is he the same guy?  Considering that he's not a vampire and his vampire girlfriend- aka 'The Bitch from Monster- is not here, I'd say 'no.'  I mean...sequel!

You have to see Mark Dacascos and his weird zombie/vampire make-up.  It almost makes the movie worth seeing- almost.

Leigh Scott is here as 'The Old Man,' a vampire Lord...or something.  He's clearly the same character, as shown by this comparison between the two films...

The plot gets a little bit jumbled thanks to this weird idea of cross-cutting between action scenes.  In one part, they jump between four different ones!  Random image!

With that out of the way, let's focus on the silly climax involving Lilith back alive and using magic.  ILM must be so jealous...

Scott's different Old Man meets a weird fate as he's zapped by...um, force lightning and aged to death.  There's no way that I can top this silliness unless...

...this happens.  The day is saved...for about five minutes, as the film ends on a climax Super Mario Bros-style.  Good luck.  The End.

I can't wait for the next 'sequel!'  The plot of this movie is kind of weird.  Basically, a guy is a complete dick, gets cursed with being a werewolf and just kind of randomly gets involved in a multi-century long feud.  Is he ultimately important to the story?  No.  He's just a plot device for people to explain the plot the audience.  With your main character pointless, who is there to root for?  Well, Dacascos is hilarious to watch, even if he is the villain.  Everyone else- meh.  The film tries to make me care, but I don't.  The bulk of the film is relegated to random plot points- the vampire hunters are assholes- and London being trained to fight using his werewolf powers...but not transforming.  Sorry, no budget!  The film is pretty terrible and forgettable, but there are glimmers of decent action- mostly Dacascos and his ability to randomly-teleport- and silly effects.  Here's an insult that might confuse you- it's not nearly as good as Dracula's Curse...which also sucks, but not as much as most Asylum films.  Just stick to that movie and it's random devil vampire.  He needs a movie, as opposed to silly crap like this...

Next up, a Werewolf film that rips off Freddy Kreuger and involves rape.  It's amazing how obscure this crap is!  Stay tuned...

Lock Me Up!: I Am Omega

You are failure.  This Asylum film is a rip-off of I Am Legend.  There is at least a little creativity in the title, as it takes the first two words from the Will Smith film and the last one from the previous version of the story- The Omega Man.  I was really hoping for I Am Last Man on Earth though!  So which star 'that could have done better at one point' do they have today?  The film's secret ingredient- Marc Dacascos.  For those of you who don't know, Marc is a martial artist who has gotten a lot of role in films over the years.  I will always remember him, however, for his role as an Indian in the French horror-action hybrid Brotherhood of the Wolf.  Ha ha ha- confusing racism.  Will he be able to carry an Asylum film above the usual lot?  Probably not

The film begins with no explanation as to what has happened.  We just see empty shots of Los Angeles.  Just to note- a number of these shots were re-used for The Day The Earth Stood Still...just with giant, still robots added in.  A bunch of zombies attack a house occupied by a shirtless Dacascos- wasting no time, huh?- and he fights back.  He takes them out quickly, making a note to avoid getting blood on himself.  I should note that as he walked out, they showed a picture of a dog like Smith's from I Am Legend, the implication being that he was already dead.  That's just cheap!  Was it too hard to get a dog to act on cue, you hacks?!?  Dacascos finally gives us some back-story in the form of audio recordings that he hears on the radio.  Of course, this is also meant to show that he's going crazy from being alone so long too.  So is the stuff they say what really happened or not?  You can't confuse the simple act of exposition so hard by accident!  He suddenly gets a message and it's coming from a woman on a webcam.  He freaks out, runs outside and shuts off the breaker to his house!  You go from 0 to crazy in about 3.5 seconds, Marc!  Speaking of crazy, he drives to a barn...that is the same one from Alien vs. Hunter...and talks to a mannequin he propped up.  It was actually kind of clever in I Am Legend, but not here.  Oh yeah, he also sets a timed detonator too!

Finally, the plot kicks in properly at about the half hour mark as Dacascos gets another message and actually stays calm.  A woman in the city asks for his help, since she is surrounded by the zombies.  He says 'no' and tries to move on with his life.  That ends when a pair of armed rejects from the Mercenaries game series show up and ask him to help with the mission to rescue the girl.  He says 'no,' so one of them blows up his house with an RPG.  That's what they say happens, however, as The Asylum can't afford to blow up a real location- probably David Michael Latt's house- or make a good explosion effect.  Now with a couple of guns to his head, our hero says 'yes' to the mission.  They wander about the sewers for a bit and kill more zombies, before the pair split up from him.  He eventually meets up with the woman and finds out why they want her- she's immune to the plague.  That's nice, but you can still be killed....

Getting out of a city full of unexplained zombies is not as easy as you might think.  The pair run, shoot and run some more as they try to get out.  Dacascos, being a military expert, wastes a grenade killing one zombie.  It sure would be nice to have when you face down that group of zombies later, huh?  They get out to the city limits by stealing a flat-top car, but the mercenaries from earlier show up.  Well, one of them does, anyways.  The guy shoots Marc several times and explains that he doesn't want to use her for the cure.  No, he just wants her to die in order for the plague to continue.  He says some crap about how the weak are dying and he likes it, but I really don't care.  By the way, two silly things happen.  One- Marc doesn't die from his numerous bullet wounds.  Two- the guy doesn't just kill the woman right there.  He does this because...um, the movie has to have a proper ending.  The guy plays around with the corpse of his former partner until Dacascos shows up.  They have a fight and the bad guy dies.  Our heroes drive out of Los Angeles as all of the explosives that Dacascos set up earlier explode.  Nothing is really resolved, but...um, The End.

I'd still rather have CG zombies!  The plot of this movie is dumb- plain and simple.  They barely explain any of the major events because, well, they expect you to have seen I Am Legend.  Even if they did explain it, it's pretty dumb.  I guess that I shouldn't expect any more than that...so I don't.  The action is alright, but it's mostly just people shooting zombies.  Much like in Zombie Wars, there is a limit as to how much you can do that before I lose interest.  They mix in some decent martial arts from Dacascos, but it's not enough.  By the way, make note of how many re-used locations and shots are here.  Aside from the city shots and the barn, there is also a bit where a disheveled Dacascos gets drunk in the desert...which is where they set Princess of Mars.  Could you at least make it a little subtle guys?!?  You are just working off of the idea that nobody would be dumb enough to watch 24 of your movies, huh?  Actually, I can't blame you for thinking that.  There is more action overall in this movie than usual, so that's a plus.  Everything else is terrible though.

Up next, we get to the final Asylum film of the month.  This one is about the hunt for treasure held by Leonardo Da Vinci- it's a two-fer!  Stay tuned...