Animation (World) Domination: War of the Worlds- Goliath

On the plus side, it is not 3 Hours long and made for like $10,000.  Is my bar that low now?  Instead of discussing the slowly-lowering curve of quality I use to judge Films, let's talk about this Film.  This is War of the Worlds: Goliath (in 3-D, for some)!  This is an Animated Film from 2012 that seeks to follow-up on the Classic tale.  I've only seen this done twice- once on TV and once by The Asylum.  Neither of them was great, but they weren't complete losses.  The former is worth noting more later, as well.  In this Film, the Earth is recuperating from the damage in the previous Invasion and have taken on a Steampunk vibe.  Why not?  When the Martians return (so we'll have a Story), can the Earth unite to take out stronger weapons with their own, all the while knowing that their previous trump card (human germs) are no longer an option?  The Cast is notable for including many Alumni from Highlander: The Series.  Kind of odd, right?  With high-definition and Animation & a unique Story, this can't fail...right?  To find out (without SPOILERS), read on...

The Martians are back and they are not coming in peace!

The World has formed a tentative alliance to combat the threat and made new robot-walker things called Goliaths to battle them.  The silly hats help too.

The Secretary of War- Teddy Roosevelt (voiced by Jim Byrnes) - is helping to keep the alliance together and pushing for victory!

The core of the attack force (not to be confused with the Seagal Film) is these five guys.  Voice Actors of the group include Adrian Paul (doing an Irish accent) and Peter Wingfield.

Furthering the Highlander connections, the people behind this Film all worked on Highlander: The Search for Vengeance (also with Jim Byrnes).

Our Lead has a problem though: he's still traumatized by the death of his Parents in the initial Invasion.  Well, at least for one Scene he is.

The only way to fight fire is with fire (or water)!  They use technology based on the remnants left in the original Invasion (like Heat Rays) to even the odds.

Will their awkward tank-walker things be enough to save the Earth?

Or will the Martians succeed on their second try (now with Purell)?  To find out, watch the Movie.  The End.

It is not bad, but it is not great either.  The Film's strength is in the Animation.  It looks nice (if stylized) and moves well.  I'm not a huge fan of the kind-of-Anime, kind-of-not Style here though.  It is still nice enough and sure to please anyone interested in it.  The problem is the Story.  The Characters are alright, but nothing more.  The overall Story is just nothing special.  There are good moments, but there are also silly one.  Case in point: a man comes in and says that Archduke Franz Ferdinand has been assassinated and the World will now go to War (with each other).  However, our Hero just makes an impassioned Speech and everyone decides to not leave and fight.  Wow, that was easy!  If you're looking for any real depth, it is not here.  If you just want some light, vibrant Animation, this will serve your purpose.  This is just kind of shallow- that's all.  It's alright.  Nothing more.It does, however, serve as Adrian Paul's return to a War of the Worlds project after 20 years!

Next up, a rare Horror Film that was made for TV.  Can Doc Brown spin two obscure Tales into a winning Film?  Stay tuned...

Indy (and Arty) Flix: H.G. Wells' The War of The Worlds

Ugh.  Just ugh, really.  Today's film is H.G. Wells' The War of The Worlds, which is not to be confused with The Asylum's film or Steven Spielberg's (or the 1953 film) movie.  The Internet shorthand for this film is actually The Pendragon War of The Worlds film (after the Production Company who made it).  It is available in three different releases, so, naturally, the one I found is the longest version possible.  Just my luck!  The film's gimmick: telling the tale as true to the original Story as possible.  That is kind of noble, honestly, if a bit pretentious.  If you don't know, all of the film versions have changed the setting to America (mostly) and set them in the Present Day (of when they are made).  So, on that basis, I don't mind the idea behind it.  However, the film has ambitious scale and pretentious presentation...and almost no budget.  One source claims that the film had a budget of 'around $25 million.'  If that is the case, then this was the biggest Ponzi Scheme since Bernie Madoff!  If you look at this film and see more than $20,000 on-screen, then I really question your eyes.  To find out why this movie fails just so badly, read on...

After a ponderous mix of real footage and terrible CG models of London (which totally match!), we get our hero- a nameless Author- meeting his Scientist friend and observing a totally-real phenomenon.

This...this is just the beginning, folks.

It is also worth noting that our hero has a really fake and doofy mustache.  I say this because it will be the first and last thing you see when you watch any of his Scenes.  It is very, very distracting.

Oh and you'll love it more when you find out WHY he has a mustache.

A rock crashes and the Scientist finds it.  He is delayed when a man tries to lock him in his Barn, but he escapes.  So yeah, this movie was 3 hours long and could have used an Editor.

After a lot of stalling, we get a goofy-looking Martians come out and use their 'heat ray.  Just take a look at these effects as you remember that 'around $25 million' figure.

The film starts to really drag at this point- exactly when you think that it would pick it up.  There are just long sections without dialogue, without real action and of this guy running.  It.  just.  keeps.  going.

Since I haven't used this Pic in a while, here is a great summary of my feeling about an hour or so in...

Sparing you 90 minutes or so, I'll sum up the film for what you get.  First- terrible, terrible CG Effects.

Second- Terribly-goofy Reaction Shots to things happening- pretty much always the Martians attacking.

It is also worth noting here that the reason our Author has a mustache is because *sigh* his brother is the other Protagonist.  It is the same Actor, just sans fake mustache.  Ugh.

We also get the story's famous ending (why would they change that, after all?), now with no build-up whatsoever.  It just kind of ends.  The End.

Eegad, this is long!  It is way, way, WAY too long.  As I mentioned in the Intro, there are two other Cuts of the film out there in the nearly 10 years since it was made.  One of them is 2 hours and 15 minutes long, while another is 2 hours and 25 minutes.  My version- as mentioned- is 3 hours long.  You guys could cut up to 45 minutes, so what does that say about my Cut?  Look- I get it (to a certain degree).  You- Timothy Hines- had a vision of what your film would be like.  All of your stuff is just 'so great' and you need 'every Scene' to tell the Story properly.  You're wrong, of course.  The bottom line is this: you just didn't have the Budget, Talent and overall resources (Actors, Writers, etc) to make the film live up to its potential.  I don't fault you for *wanting* make the movie.  I do, however, fault you for making a 3 hour film that manages to be both laughably-bad and boring.  The worst news: he did a Remake of it in 2013!  Any thoughts, World?

Up next, I wrap up my Project Terrible Films with a depressing Time-Travel movie.  I don't know why I want to Find this Cody person, but whatever.  Stay tuned...

Lock Me Up!: War of the Worlds 2

Of course they made a sequel.  Why should we be surprised?  After all, these are the same people that ripped off The Omen- in 666: The Child- and felt like a sequel was needed- 666: The Beast.  Hell, they apparently made a pair of films about generic killers called...well, The Killers.  Of course, here's the thing: there's really only been one other sequel to the original War of the Worlds.  That was the barely-remembered TV series from the 1980s that lasted one season before being radically-rebooted Seaquest-style and cancelled anyways.  So we're in fairly-uncharted territory here.  This is the first Asylum film I'm covering here that was directed by its star: C. Thomas Howell.  Oh, I wish that I was kidding.  If you like radically-revisionism and lazy exposition combined with some good effects, but terrible pacing, I have the film for you!  Get out your food voucher for gas program for my review of...

The film begins with a lovely studio back lot suddenly under attack by some actually-decent CG walkers.  These guys aren't made out of terrazzo it seems, as they have a red, fleshy texture to them.  I don't know how you make a ship out of veins, but whatever.  One of the people is shot with a beam, but only vanishes, as opposed to turning into bones.  Plot twist or a mistake in the special effects department- you decide!  After the credits, we see random scenes from the end of the last film before we segue to Howell and his kid in a bunker.  Where's the wife, you're asking?  We'll get to that in a bit.  Two years have gone by, but things are still kind of shit.  Mind you, all of the aliens are dead, but I guess enough infrastructure was ruined.  The pair's bunker is powered by the kid riding a stationary bike, since our NASA scientist can only use technology from the 19th Century!  He gets some sort of signal on his radio and goes to warn some people he knows.  It's important, he notes, that the kid not go outside.  He meets up with some old friends...who weren't in the original & explains that his wife was killed...somehow.  Was there a War of the Worlds 1.5 that I missed?  We had no attacks for two years, so what did she die of?  He warns them of an imminent attack, which is when they introduce him to some co-opted alien hardware.  Well, time to go home with no problems...

Turns out that I was wrong.  Our hero runs out of gas and wanders for a bit until he gets cheated out of food rations for a small amount of gas.  Why was this necessary again?  Did you pay off two guys for fixing your car by putting them in your movie, C. Thomas?  He gets home just in time to see his kid get zapped, followed by the thing just sort of leaving.  Well, it must have thought, that was my quota- see you!  He's a bit depressed, but he manages to work for a bit with the others, including a lady scientist, a nerdy guy and a General who they imply was in the last film.  Yeah, he wasn't.  The General talks about a big plan they have to take out the aliens with some jets controlled by the co-opted spaceship.  Don't ask me to explain the science of this, please.  Howell runs off, proving to be a bit unstable.  He does a big monologue to God about he is 'not your Job.'  Wow, this would be very touching if you could actually, you know, act.  He ends up getting shot by the same ray from one of the walkers as we segue to the military brass preparing for an assault.  To the film's credit, some of the CG work is actually kind of decent.  Of course, it's also confusing as hell and centered around characters that I have almost no attachment to.  As a bonus, watch for how much of these shots will end up in The Terminators.  I bet you it's a lot.

The final third of the film is broken up into two parts: Howell wandering around and the humans fighting back. In the first arc, Howell escapes from an alien ship and makes a new friend- one half of '90s rap group Kid 'N Play.  Yeah, I don't care.  They escape from the ship and run into the guy from the beginning, only to learn that this is all virtual reality.  Meanwhile, the ships in battle get pulled through a wormhole and in front of Mars.  They fight some more while Howell and company work on a plan.  In order to up the ante from the 'mysterious, unexplained virus' from the last film, they put a super virus into one of the ships to infect it.  Naturally, the only way to do this is to inject it into Howell and get him sucked into the ship.  You ever heard of syringes, guys?  He escapes from the ship via a plane that just so happens to crash nearby that was flown by the General.  I love you, plot contrivance!  Naturally, this jet can fit four or five people.  The dramatic escape is successful, but will Howell survive?  We cut to a party at the cabin owned by Howell, but the mood is low.  After drawing out the tension, Howell shows up alive and well.  It sure was nice of you to build the whole dramatic arc around whether you would survive, C. Thomas!  The party lasts a few minutes until a familiar radio signal can be heard again.  The End?

This movie sucks and it's boring!  After all of these Asylum films, I don't expect certain things.  I don't expect real good acting.  I don't expect really great effects.  I don't expect high production values or a strong look.  However, I do expect you to make a simple film that flows from Point A to Point B.  You failed to do that!  The idea of a second wave of attacks by the aliens is fine, but making it a mopy tale about Howell helping to save the world by way of his planned suicide attempt is not the way to do it.  I know that you've been in many, many films, Mr. Howell, but it's important to know your range.  You are not a good actor.  You can do alright with a good script- the key problem for his Asylum work- but you're not a good actor.  Making a film that hinges upon your acting sad and/or angry to work is a bad idea!  The worst part is this: they could have made a decent film.  It was never going to be great, but they had decent effects and could have ended up with an above-average Syfy Channel Film.  Since you're The Asylum, you had to find a way to screw that up.  Good job.  If you ever make War of the Worlds 3 (I'm practically counting the days), you can just count me out.  You'll find a way to make it worse- I just know it.

Up next, The Asylum rips off a Will Ferrell film that didn't exactly light up theaters.  Oh yeah, it's another C. Thomas Howell film.  Stay tuned...
  

Lock Me Up!: H.G. Wells' War of the Worlds

Yet again, The Asylum strikes!  This film comes to us from 2005, the same year that Steven Spielberg and Tom Cruise put out their remake of the classic H.G. Wells novel-turned-film from the '50s.  Naturally, the company wanted a piece of that sweet, sweet movie money and made their own film.  Fun fact: this is actually the film that initially made me aware of The Asylum.  I saw this in a video store and said 'Wow- that DVD is out fast.  Hey, wait a minute...'  I bet that helps explain my disdain for this company, huh?  Anyhow, their version of the film stars C. Thomas Howell, Jake Busey (barely) and a host of shitty CG.  Ah shitty CG, how you're so readily available in every Asylum film.  Will this film live up to it's Hollywood counterpart?  Ha ha ha.  Oh wait, I was being serious.  Yeah, it doesn't.  Let's take a look anyways though.  Get out your deus ex nothing for my review of...

The film begins with a long credit sequence that appears to be out of a bad, 'Wing Commander' sequel.  Within two minutes of the film (counting these credits), we get tits.  Wow, you guys work almost as fast as Zombie Lake!  Said tits come from the wife of C. Thomas Howell's character, a woman so important that she won't be seen after the next ten minutes.  Howell is a scientist for NASA who is supposed to go on a trip with the family to Washington D.C., but work calls him in.  He promises to see the family the next morning in the city.  Say good-bye to the family, viewers!  His actual trip to work is so unimportant we see none of it and, instead, skip to his trip that night to D.C.  Along the way, his car stops working, so he wanders around as a meteor crashes into the Earth.  The people wander over to see it, while another man apparently found a way to fall into the newly-formed crater.  Good job, Mr. Bean!  The movie wastes a couple minutes watching him yell as a glowing light attacks him to reveal...a barely-visible CG land-crawler.  Kudos to disguising your shitty effects with a lack of lighting.  Next you're going to just play the sound effects instead of actually showing them.  Oh wait, they don't do that until later.

Our hero manages to run away as the ship blasts people into skeletons.  Odd how the skeletons jump away from the camera after the body is destroyed.  He goes back home to get some supplies, meeting up with a neighbor.  Hey, good to see you.  I'm sorry to see that you'll die off-screen, pal.  What was the point of this scene, other than to establish some minor pathos later?  He goes into the city and meets up with a guy from the military.  He's the slightly tougher-looking version of Suddenly Susan star David Strickland (obscure reference for the win!) and proves to be chatty.  Since our hero has all of the personality of an undercooked ham, I welcome him.  We also meet Jake Busey in the first of his two scenes.  His role: being a complete asshole.  Good to know that you can get roles where you don't even have to act.  Our heroes flee from another attack which happens in slightly-more light than before.  The pair get split up and Howell escapes in a motor-less boat that just sort of moves itself.  He's saved by a priest (played by the Van Helsing guy from Dracula's Curse) who seems hopeful and optimistic.  The pair wander around for a bit, passing by a crashed ship.  This is a reference to the ship attack from Spielberg's film...which they were too cheap to shoot.  Lame!

The aliens prove formidable, taking out more military men with their ships and a new weapon: fart gas.  Okay, it's just green, but you get my point.  The priest has a breakdown before he dies in a silly moment (see the newest Deep Blue Sea Moment of Cinema), leaving our hero to wander around on his own.  Who does he run into?  His old army buddy, who apparently survived the entire city being destroyed in a ball of fire.  He tries to get Howell to join up with him and Busey.  Jake is not exactly keen to the idea, opting instead to just shoot the guy in the head.  Howell retaliates by hitting the man with a rock once, which apparently kills him.  His men, of course, just walk off and barely react.  Alone again, Howell wanders into a destroyed Washington D.C.  That sight would be more impressive had I not logged 50+ hours in 'Fallout 3.'  He begs for death by taunting an alien walker, only to learn that it's dead.  In fact, all of them are dying.  Why?  The movie never says.  I guess they figured that if they said 'germs killed them,' they would be sued.  Their answer: 'I don't know- maybe it was the germs or the atmosphere or something.'  Lame.  Oh yeah, Howell's family is alive and all is well.  The End.

This movie sucks!  The plot is pretty minimalist: Howell has to get past the aliens to find his family.  You couldn't give me any more than that, huh?  This probably goes without saying but the special effects here are bad.  The ships appear to be made out of terrazzo, which is kind of odd.  It's not exactly sinister or ominous, guys!  Oh yeah, the acting is pretty bad here too.  Given that the film's two biggest 'stars' are Howell and Gary Busey's kid, is this really a shocker?  Ultimately, this film just fails for some pretty basic reasons.  The film just can't match the scale, power or atmosphere of Spielberg's film or the Cold War mystique of the original film.  Hell, it certainly does nothing to match the (alleged or otherwise) hysteria of the original radio broadcast.  So what does it have to really offer?  Ooh, I can answer that- nothing!  Random boobs.

Next up, The Asylum brings us the sequel to this film...a good three years later.  As a bonus, this film is also directed by C. Thomas Howell- the horror.  Stay tuned...