Quick Reviews: Sick Girl (Masters of Horror)

Now that I've worked through most of the Directors that I know and love, I might as well do one that I'm not familiar with: Lucky McGee.

In this Episode/Movie, an unlikely couple get together...but get the strangest third wheel ever!

In Brazil (one last Olympics tie-in!), a mysterious man kidnaps a POV bug.

In America, this Entomologist (Angela Bettis) has a thing for a mysterious lady (Misty Mundae), but both are shy.

Good to know that the Star of The Lord of the G-Strings was available!

The bug is delivered to our Heroine and seems to be different from anything she's ever seen.

Naturally, it escapes captivity right away.  Thank God the vents open when a 1/10th of a pound bug bumps into them one time!

The bug proceeds to kill a dog (no Poor Bastard this time) and slowly mutate Misty here into, well, probably still someone's fetish.

After teasing that Jerky Best Friend will be the savior, our Heroine is also turned into a bug-creature and the pair live happily ever after...until they give birth to thousands of bugs.  The End.

Weird, but kind of compelling stuff.  Sick Girl is, to my knowledge, my first taste of Lucky McGee.  Given what happens in this Movie, that probably sounds bad.  The premise- that some super bug can mind-control people- is certainly bizarre.  Having said that, I mostly enjoyed this one.  I didn't expect to care much about the Characters, but I kind felt for them.  Even with all of that happens later, they are kind of a cute couple.  They're both so awkward and strange that it works.  Kudos to Bettis especially for making the most of this Character.  I was less into Mundae, as her playing up the Character change (due to the bug) wasn't as dramatic as I'd like.  She's not bad, but she doesn't do as well as Bettis.  You don't get to see the bug much, but it sure is freaky when you do.  Like always, Greg(ory) Nicotero worked on it, so the Make-Up is top notch.  All in all, I liked the people in it, it was pretty well-Directed and the bizarre Story worked pretty well.  It makes me wonder if I should check out more of McGee's works.  I'll leave you with some weird Animation...

More fun than I thought it would be.  It is more weird and bizarre than scary, so just bear that in mind.

Poor Bastards of Cinema: Piranha 3-D

While going for a different Topic, I found a perfect induction...

In Piranha 3D, a bunch of horny teenagers/young adults are on Spring Break with a Girls Gone Wild analog.

One of them goes parasailing...

Not yet knowing the threat they face, the drunk guys leave her sitting in the water.  Here they come...

It takes her screaming in pain and horror while surrounded by blood for them to finally pull her up.

...and it is too late.

The moral here: don't be a Porn Star in a Horror Film.

Really- does it ever end well for them?!?

New Flix: Scooby-Doo and WWE: Curse of the Speed Demon

I'm a sucker for bizarre tie-ins, as shown by Scooby-Doo meeting KISS, the WWE and that prehistoric WWE thing.  Well, there's another one, so...

After saving the day in the previous Scooby-Doo and WWE Film, the gang gets to cater a WWE Event.  Wait, what?

Seriously, "Thanks for saving the day...now you can sell food for us?"

The event: a Road Race that is not quite Wacky Racers or Fast & Furious.   Naturally, HHH refuses to job.

Two things to note right off the bat...
1. Famous 'Car Guy' John Cena is absent here (despite also being in the other Film).
2. Not one reference to Thurman 'Sparky' Plug.  For shame!

The Race is threatened by The Speed Demon, allegedly the ghost of a dead racer.  Sadly, his fake flashback explanation is not done in interpretive dance by Sin Cara (also absent).

Mr. McMahon puts the gang on the case, which is a logical thing.  This coming from the man who spent months torturing himself publically and kidnapped his own daughter for a Satanic Wedding in order to...annoy Steven Austin a little.

The case is full of possible culprits and red herrings, including a Mechanic, HHH, Dusty Rhodes and Mr. McMahon.

Oh and Stardust too.  He's magic...apparently.

Working with the legendary Undertaker (who was once a Caveman), can the Gang solve the case?

Of course, but I won't say how.  Watch the Film.

All kinds of strange.  One thing that affects the Film is timing.  Animation is a costly and time-consuming process.  On their previous Film, they lost CM Punk to UFC between Recording and Release, making the whole thing awkward.  This time, a number of people are different (Sheamus now has a Mohawk, Los Matadores are gimmick-free), some of them are out of the company (El Torito, Stardust) and one of them, well, is dead.  Not their fault, obviously, but something that is hard not to think about.  Other than that 'elephant in the room,' the thing is pretty fun.  Some WWE Stars are good at this (Paige, The Miz, Sheamus) and they really get to shine.  Hell, Undertaker continues to have fun with this stuff in the twilight of his career. Good for him.  The Plot is all sorts of weird, but it at least makes the most of it.  Downsides include Characters that are mostly one-note (Goldust, Los Matadores), some that are unexplained (Stardust is magic?) and too many 'maybe they are guilty' bits.  This isn't Murder on the Orient Express, guys!  Regardless, I had fun with it overall and it now serves as an odd Tribute to a Legend...

Silly stuff that makes pretty good use out of the diverse Cast.  Deeper stuff than you might expect...but still not great.

Almost Heroes: Danni (Piranha 3-D)

Let's mix it up and go with a Horror-Comedy...

In Piranha 3-D, Danni is one of two ladies working for a Joe Francis analog that takes our Hero and his would-be-girlfriend along because they know the area.

When things get really bad during the big attack, she desperately tries to save others, showing heroism.

When a desperate escape plan (involving going across rope dangling above the water) is hatched, she volunteers to go first to help the kids stuck there with them.

This...doesn't go well.

...and she dies.

All along, she proved herself to be the nicest and most down-to-Earth of the trio (her, O'Connell and the blonde model).  In spite of that, she dies a hero's death (of sorts).

On the plus side, she doesn't get it nearly as bad as O'Connell!

Got some more ideas for Almost Heroes?  Leave a comment and you just may see it!

New Flix: The ReZort

Do you like Zombies?  Do you like Films that look like Films you've seen before?  Well, you're in luck...

Like the last Film I covered, this one also has a bunch of exposition front-loaded, this time with fake News.  Ready?

- A bio-weapon was released that created Zombies.
- A different weapon put a stop to said Zombies.
- Rich person took remaining Zombies to make Zombie Westworld.
- Film begins after mysterious incident at said Park...which is the rest of the Plot.

All caught up?

Before all that, we get to meet all of our Characters.  This is our obvious Final Girl, a Woman going to Rezort to deal with the trauma of the original attack.

Some of them are complete tools.  I look forward to your death.

They are all flash, but no substance for the most part.  Thankfully, the danger isn't real...right?

In case you didn't get that this was like Jurassic World, here's an all-business lady in the Control Booth with a nerdy know-it-all.

Oh right- she's blond and he's not white- totally different!

When things (naturally) go wrong, will our heroes be able to survive?  To find out, watch the Film.

Good, but not great.  The Rezort (or Generation Z) is a well-made Zombie Film.  It has good, solid action and is shot well.  It doesn't look or feel cheap, which is always a plus.  There is even a good Arc or two in there.  The problem: it isn't original.  That isn't the biggest sin, I suppose, but it is a notable.  Simply put, this is Westworld with Zombies.  After all, it is a Theme Park with staged battles against Zombies (who are chained to posts or pop up like they are in a shooting gallery).  It is also a little bit like Jurassic Park, even having branded trucks drive the people around for the Tour.  The biggest inspiration seems to be Jurassic World, however, as they take some pretty clear visuals and Plot cues from it.  To be fair, it could be a giant coincidence, but...I dunno.  It is odd that the Film that is *more* like World (Rezort) is not the one marketed like it (Zoombies).  On its own merit, the Film mostly works well.  One big note: they kind of cheat.  Zombies attack en masse, except when it would be easier to escape when they come one by one.  At one point, they have to cross a small gap as Zombies wander in small groups like timed enemies in a Video Game!  At another point, a lull in the action is broken up by one Zombie inexplicably dropping down from a grate, biting someone and dying.  That is all sorts of cheap, guys!  All in all, The Rezort has some of its own tricks...but mostly feels familiar.  It does at least show you its literal ticking clock...

Good action and a decent Story.  Unfortunately, it does so little new and often cheats for drama.

Moviestopped: Night Creature (1978)

I know my own rules and generally try to stick by them.  One of the big ones back in the day when you could go to Stores and rent Movies was 'Check the Box.'  If you are seeing a Monster Movie, for instance, and there is no shot of the Monster, it is going to be bad.  They wouldn't hide a good thing, right?  That leads to today's Film- Night Creature.  The Film has sat in my Queue on Netflix for years without me 'pulling the trigger.'  Well, when Movies are Buy 3, Get 10 Free (really), you can take the risk.  So now I own this Film and...it's not great.  As mentioned, this Film has no real shot of the Monster- which is just a Panther- and, in fact, no shots of the Film.  No picture of the Leads- nothing.  That is a very bad sign.  The Plot involves a Big Game Hunter- Donald Pleasence- who's life is changed by a dramatic incident.  Some years later, he tries to recover from the incident in a pretty bad way, putting others accidentally at risk.  I suppose I can't blame the Filmmakers for the Print being so bad, but I can fault them for making a surprisingly-dull Film.  To find out why free is sometimes still too much, read on...

Some Narration just pretty much dumps us into the Story awkwardly, so I will too...

A Hunter is called out to catch a killer cat.  He's basically the prototype version of The Most Interesting Man in the World here.

He also sucks as a Hunter here, having to be saved pretty much right away.

Many years later, Donald has a plan: capture the Panther that wounded him, release it on his Island and hunt it, with 9 bullets (once for each life).

Unfortunately, his kids, a new man and a kid show up.  Awkward!

After some kind of boring stuff, the kid wanders off at night.  The Mother tries to help her and they kill the tension of the Panther attack with...a Batman-style spin-out shot?!?

So yeah, she dies.  It is really odd to see Films back when people would do awkward stunts with animals, as opposed to just using CG.  Better?

The odd thing here is that you get the 2 extremes of Pleasence.  He's either in 'oh, this sucks, so why bother?' mode or 'MEGA-ACTING' mode.

Do I need to bring back the Acting-gasm thing from Amityville Horror?

The Film kind of settles into a 'Oh, I've done bad things' bit with Pleasence and he...doesn't sacrifice himself to save anyone.  Instead, the rest of the Family escapes on a boat and he...blows up the dock.

Don't worry- the Panther somehow knew their plan and left, leaving us with this subtle Symbolism.

All kinds of misleading.  For one thing, the Panther does nearly all of the action during the daytime.  Admittedly, its only kill is at night...but whatever.  On top of that, the DVD Box and Menu are intentionally left free of shots to let you know what to expect visually.  Imagine getting any of those DVDs with an intentionally-misleading cover.  Now imagine if the Film was also, say, black and white.  Mind you, I've watched Films in all sorts of colors from normal to sepia to gray to even blue sometimes.  For many people, they do kind of need to know these things.  This one is just all about going 'Ha ha- fooled you.'  I suppose I should talk about the actual Film now.  It is kind of dull.  To be fair, it could be that I just can't make out half of what I'm seeing due to the VHS Rip or Pan and Scan.  Even if I could, there's just not much Story.  Panther exists, guy is crazy and then all gets sorted out.  Pleasence does what he can here at times, but it isn't nearly enough.  Oh and your symbolism is stupid.  All in all, Night Creature is about what I feared, but also worse than what I expected.  I mean, just look at this Menu...

Next up, more random stuff from a (sadly) failed business.  What else did I basically get for free?  Stay tuned...

Unreviewed Films of 2015/16: Part II

If you thought that I spent alot of time watching Films, then...you'd be right.

You also don't know the half of it, as many newer Films just don't get talked about here.  Let's play catch up again...

 Gods of Egypt

Bright, flashy and just kind of there.  Neat looking...but you get over it after a while.

 Jem and the Holograms

As someone who isn't even remotely the Audience, I...kind of liked it.  Not mind-blowing,  but not some stinker.

Kung Fu Panda 3

Some good moments throughout and some interesting Cast Choices...but little has changed here.

Crimson Peak

Del Toro shines...as a person who can make Gothic Films look good.  For everything else, meh.

Spotlight

A good, serious Film about a serious issue.  No complaints really.

Pride & Prejudice & Zombies

Better than it has any right to be.  It does the Story pretty good justice, while mostly-working for me.

Meru

A serious Doc about people doing something I'd never do.  The shots from the Mountain are scary!

Central Intelligence

No surprises here, but fun stuff.  Here's a rare Theater one for you!

Inside Out

I waited awhile for this one and...it's good.  The concepts aren't as original as people act like though.

Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials

I continue to do this to myself.  On the plus side, no Mazes...or solid Plot really.

Sisters

Way better than I figured, as the Story has some depth and consequences.  Now tied for the best John Cena Film.

Bridge of Spies

I've waited a long time to cover this one!  It..is alright.  Good all-around (especially Rylance), but Spielberg doesn't do anything different anymore!

The Big Short

The structure was a bit odd here and an Arc could be cut, but still a good Film covering what must be covered.

The Boy

The other scary Movie with a Walking Dead Actor is...kind of ridiculous.  The big hook/twist is right out of the 1980s!

The Visit

Why was this Found Footage?  Why was it all so obvious?  Why bring back the 'End a Horror Film with a Rap Song' Trope?

Where to Invade Next

I won't get Political here, but the Film brings up some really interesting ideas.  A bit long though, if I'm being picky.

Victor Frankenstein

Let's end with another Max Landis Script!  It is...not that great, even though it gets period details down.  Not much is added by revisiting this material.

There- that ought to cover things for another six months!