Poor Bastards of Cinema: No Way Back

Before I go too long and forget this one, I might as well do it now...

In No Way Back, Russell Crowe is illegally-transporting a Yakuza Boss to deliver to a Mobster.  The pair (with a Stewardess along for the ride) are pulled over by this Cop.

Naturally, when the guy looks up Crowe, he sees that he is wanted and all three end up in the back of his Car.

He has no ulterior motives here- he just wants to turn in the Criminal(s).  Unfortunately, they get company (the Mobster's goons)...

...who shoot the Cop dead (for doing his job)!!!

On the plus side, it was over quick for the guy.  That was 'kind' of them.

So, in summary, if you are a Cop unlucky enough to be working in a 90s Action Film, bad stuff is going to happen to you!

Next up, there is a mystery.  That's all I can say.  Stay tuned...

Twin Piqued: Dispute Between Brothers

Another Saturday is here and we get to see how crazy things can get in...

With the main Plot settled, where will the Series go now?  Let's just say that there is more crazy to come...

Important Stuff

- After some hijinks at Leland's Wake, we see that Cooper is ready to go.  He'll miss this place.

- Andy makes his big play to gain Lucy- play it cool and 'manly.'  It will probably work too...

- Not so fast, Cooper- Internal Affairs and the Mounties want to talk to you about your trips to Canada!  He's suspended, so the Series...I mean, the investigation, will go on.

In addition, the Mountie is corrupt and working for a bad guy.

- The Food Critic B-Plot is settled with the mean Mom being the Critic.  Things get tense.

- Mom's Husband schemes with his ex-con son-in-law and...Renault!

- Oh and Catherine reveals that she is back, plus Jocelyn too!

- Since he's stuck, Cooper goes night-fishing with the Major.  While espousing the appeal of outdoor urination, Cooper returns too late to see his friend disappear in a bright light!

Say whaaa?!?

Theme(s)

The obvious Theme here is The Past.  Let's break it down, shall we?

- James tries to blackmail Ben Horne for past misdeeds.
- We hear a past tale of The Mayor and his Brother, still feuding after 50 years!
- Cooper reveals more about the 'Cleveland Incident' where he lost his love and Partner.
- Lucy's past dalliances are now making things really complicated.

 - Cooper's actions in the recent past at One-Eyed Jacks becomes key.  That is both officially (for IA) and personally (for Renault).

Damn Quebecois are always up to no good!

Weird Moment(s)

- At the wake, Nadine worries that boys can see up her skirt.  Later in the Episode, she tries out for the Cheerleading Squad and...throws a Male Cheerleader across the Field and into the Volleyball Net!

Go...team, I guess.

A new Start for insanity.  I was curious how well the Show would handle the transition from the bit Plot that set it all up.  Is there a Show left without Evil BOB and the murder investigation?  The answer: yes.  They did alot of hard work setting a bunch of bizarre little Plots in motion for just this exact situation.  As the Story's end approached, everything was working smoothly.  With the murder investigation over, we now have plenty still going on.  What happens with Ben Horne, Catherine and Jocelyn now?  How will the Nadine situation work out?  Will Renault get his revenge?  Will the Teen Detectives reunite?  What will happen with Lucy and her baby?  When will BOB rear his ugly head next?  Was that dude from Stargate: SG 1 just abducted by aliens?  All these questions and more will be answered...over twenty-years ago for most people.  As for me, I'll keep investigating at my own pace.  Take us away, fan-made Animal Crossing Mod for Twin Peaks...

Next week, we have a whole new batch of mysteries to unravel.  I'll be there to...do my best.  See you then...

New Crap: The Coven (2015)

On the plus side, the Cover is a lie.  On the negative side, the Movie still isn't good.  Today's Film is The Coven, a 2015 Horror Film previously covered for their generic Cover Art that led me way down the Rabbit Hole of Witch Films.  Scary stuff.  The Actual Film is is not.  It is that weird mix of boring and ridiculous that never quite works out.  The Story involves some British Teens that go into the Woods to celebrate Halloween.  I guess they can't go to Theme Parks to be jump-scared by people in licensed Costumes out there.  As you probably guessed, this leads to something involving Witchcraft.  It is both too subtle (in that no much actually happens on-camera) and too direct (explaining everything to 'the back of the room').  Make sense?  This one really reminds me of that unlicensed Night of the Living Dead Film that ended up released...even though it was an unrelated, low-budget Zombie Film from the UK.  Not good for you, Movie.  To find out about this Film (without major SPOILERS) and possibly avoid wasting your time, read on...

The Film does some good foreshadowing involving this big, scary flame.

The problem: it is completely-wasted on this Film.  Oh well.

In England (don't ask me where), these girls are learning about Wicca right before Halloween.  Makes sense.

Their Teacher tells them about real incidents, while also saying that Wicca isn't necessarily evil.  Every person in the Movie is though, so...progressive?

Shockingly, telling a bunch of Teens about a Coven that they can't go to THE DAY BEFORE HALLOWEEN makes them want to go.

If he was evil and this was his trap, this might be more logical.  He's not.

They find the spot- after hopping an unguarded fence- and decide to Camp out.  Yeah, I'd sleep next to this...

So the Film at this point breaks down to three things....

1. The Girls staying out in the Woods and nothing happens.
2. Two Guys wander into the Woods.
3. An unseen person on a Motorbike drives around in random POV Shots.

Is this scary?  No.  Alright then...

This lady- Ms. Belial (really!)- spends the whole Film trying to look menacing while Gardening, but mostly just looks like the crazy lady from Troll 2.

If you are in the Woods, should you still go into the light?

I won't SPOIL what happens, but I don't think that she is going to like it.  The End.

If a Witch falls in the Woods and nobody is around to hear it, am I just plain bored?  Wow, this one was just...yawn...dull.  I was actually kind of disappointed that this wasn't the rip-off The Craft that it was sold as.  That would have at least been interesting.  In this case, the Film just wasn't exciting.  At all.  I didn't have high hopes for this one, to be honest, but I was still disappointed.  If not much happens in your Film, you should at least care about the Characters.  Nope.  Well, maybe the Setting can be interesting to carry the Film through.  Nope.  Okay- how about a simple Story that is at least easy to follow?  Yeah, not so much.  The Editing butchers the Film by throwing all sorts of random flourishes, cuts and indecisiveness about what Story to follow.  They really thought all this was good, huh?  Let's just all agree that there are minor moments here that work...but that's about it.  While I'm giving advice, you may want to get those checked, lady...

Next up, let's have a taste of Lovecraft.  After all, every Lovecraft Adaptation has gone great!  Stay tuned...

Ghost Flix: Killer Story (2004)

This is scary.  Not that actual Film, mind you.  That...is just not that good.  No, it is scary that stuff like this gets made.  Today's Film is Killer Story, a 2004 Horror Anthology Film.  This is a micro-budget Film, which isn't necessarily a bad thing.  As I've said before, people can make good Films for $200,000 and shit Films for $200,000,000.  The problem is that the Budget detracts from major moments in pretty noticeable ways.  On top of that, it isn't very good.  The Story involves 2 Authors meeting up for a Contest to determine who can tell the best Story.  Given their Stories, can I just vote that they both lose?  Anyways, the 2 Leads are William Smith (the bad guy in just about everything) and Joe Estevez (the bad guy in Rollergator).  No offense, but we aren't starting off strong.  So they both tell their Stories and then we get the obvious Twist.  There are problems with said twist, but I'll get to those in time. In the meantime, see what else can go wrong...

Two Writers (Smith and Estevez) meet up at a Diner in the middle of nowhere.  They are expecting their friend (who is related to Edgar Allen Poe!), but he's not there.

Who is there then?  A woman who promises a prize- herself- to the Winner.  Start us off, Joe...

This guy is a failed Writer.  Specifically, he wrote one Episode of Cop Rock.  No, really.

He's unhappily-married and his wife (who gave up Acting for him) hates him.  He loves her old Publicity Photos though...

After getting bad-mouthed, pushed around and actually stabbed in the leg(!), he kills her and mounts her face near his desk.  As the Story ends, he goes to kill her new lover (a woman) too...

After a short break (the Film is barely 80 minutes), it is time for Smith's tale.

In his, a struggling Archaeologist is stuck with her dad in the house, so she eventually kills him (for chewing too loud and often).

After doing the deed, her comrade/lover finds what they were seeking.  Unfortunately for her, her guilt drives her crazy and she runs off a nearby cliff.

Back in the Diner, the woman has her own Story to tell.  It is about a Stripper who was left out in the cold to die by two people.

Yes, it was them.  No, this was not set up in any way previously.  Hurray.

As a final bit of silliness, the Bartender (who was her Son and not a Ghost) leaves and the place explodes.  The End.

Yeah, this is just pretty bad.  Make no bones about it: this is really just kind of subpar (at best).  The Story could easily work.  Neither Smith nor Estevez are really bad in their Roles- there just isn't much to them.  Their Characterization is pretty one-note.  It was interesting to learn that the Poem that Smith recites before his Story was actually written by him though!  The Twist Ending to their Story is fine...but not set up at all.  Nothing in the build-up would make you think that they killed a lady (even if it was by neglect).  They don't foreshadow this at all.  That said, the Set-up for the overall Story makes the Twist pretty easy to see coming.  If they could have set up the actual details, it could have worked.  Make sense?  The other Stories are not that great.  The first one just makes all of the Characters so unlikable that you root for nobody.  No matter what happens- you don't care.  At all.  The second Story isn't much better in that department.  Neither one has a pay-off really worth the boring execution of the rest of the tale.  All in all, just a missed opportunity.  I did learn a new trick to do if you are a Low-Budget Auteur: Cast your Expert in one of the Roles (as his own Expertise)...

Next up, I give a Film who's Cover Art has already been covered an actual Review.  Will it fare any better?  Stay tuned...

Screener Flix: Pernicious

Should you go see this before it gets banned?  Today's Film is Pernicious, a 2015 Horror Film available to me via Screener.  With all of this Internet hype behind it, I couldn't say 'no' to this.  So what is this big, controversial thing?  The Film tells the tale of a trio of young ladies that come to Thailand to teach English.  What could possibly go wrong?  Well, without SPOILing too much, it involves an evil Spirit, some Torture and plenty of blood.  With alot of hype around this one, you must be wondering where I'm standing on this one.  Am I going to be the guy that tells you that it sucks?  Am I going to be the guy who tells you to go see a great Film?  To find out, read on...

Some freaky stuff involving Torture and Human Sacrifice is going on in Thailand.  Not the time to visit...

Our heroines are these three young ladies who have come to teach English.  They are out of their element, to say the least!

They want to enjoy their week before the work starts, but something rotten is going on in the State of...Thailand.

Something strange starts to happen (which I won't SPOIL) and things don't end well for this guy.

Our heroines seek to figure out what is going on and the answers elude them.

What doesn't elude them?  Freaky ghost stuff.

If they can even get the answers from these two, will it be enough?  To find out, watch the Film.  The End.

I'm not as in love with this as everyone else.  First, the good stuff.  While not all great, the Actors do a good job of playing simple, solid Characters.  Nobody is all that complex, but that's fine.  The Gore is the big appeal here for certain people.  It is quite good, even if it is being used in Torture Scenes.  I do have to mention that the Torture Scenes have a loose interpretation of how the body works.  Key parts of you just come off with little to no effort.  The Torture is mostly in one big Scene, so if you can't handle it, you can always avoid it.  My problem with the Film is just an overall sense of familiarity.  The Set-up is pretty familiar.  The freaky Ghost stuff is pretty familiar (and predictable).  There are very few real surprises for someone like me here.  That's not to say that there aren't good moments here and less jaded Viewers won't be able to enjoy the ride.  I just kept wanting more here.  If my Review has made you curious, you know what to do...

Next up, a low-budget Horror Film with Joe Estevez.  When in doubt, rip off Poe.  Stay tuned...

Poor Bastards of Cinema: The Killer Likes Candy

It has been awhile- why not do one now?

In The Killer Likes Candy, an Assassin has a new plan to kill a World Leader: kidnap someone to make a Nurse doing his Heart Operation give him too much Anesthetic.  Nice and simple, right?

To do this, he goes to her Parent's house...

...kills the dog (!!!!)...

...smashes up the place while kidnapping her Mother...

...and kills her dad.  That was just extra mean, dude!

So, in summary, this guy killed a person he didn't know (who has no name here), killed a dog and kidnapped a woman he didn't know (who at least has a name) just to kill a guy he was paid to (indirectly).

Those...well, Poor Bastards.

Next up, a Cop meets a bad end.  This one will be hard to keep from being political these days, huh?  Stay tuned...

Indie Flix: Zombieworld (2014)

This is what happens when you ask The Internet to make your Film.  Today's Film is Zombieworld, a compilation of Short Films compiled by the folks over at Dread Central.  They said 'Make a Zombie Short Film and we may use it.'  Alot of them clearly did, so we have this random, hodgepodge of a Movie.  The whole thing is loosely-held together by a bunch of Vignettes of a Newscaster.  Hey look- it's Bill Oberst Jr.  Let me be honest: I saw him in the Trailer and went 'I guess I have to see this one.'  That's just how my mind works.  Was it a good call?  To find out, read on...

Bill here plays a Newscaster in the Zombie Apocalypse who gets bitten, but insists on keeping 'you' informed on what is happening.  He's here to sometimes throw the Segments, even if it doesn't make any sense.

The *actual* open is a Cold one, with a First Person POV of a guy running from Zombies.  I won't SPOIL it all, but...well, Zombie Santa.

The first actual Segment thrown to is the best and most ridiculous one: Fist of Jesus!

Basically, Lazarus isn't revived properly, becomes a Zombie and makes a small Army for Jesus and Judas to fight.  Sacrilegious as hell (no pun intended), but also kind of awe-inspiring.

Probably the 2nd Best Segment is broken into 4 Parts throughout the Film and it tells you how to survive the Apocalypse.  Don't leave home without your bike seat.

A less-inspired one involves a man playing almost-House of the Dead until he gets sucked into the Screen.  Not terrible, but nothing too special.

A surprisingly-good bit involves a Mailman, this eerie girl and some Zombies.  That kid Actress is quite good, but the Story feels a bit out of place in this Set.

Naturally, there is a Found Footage bit.  It isn't bad- using CC TV Cameras- but the Style is more of a hinderance than a help.

Rounding out the set, the people behind Fist of Jesus bring us a crazy tale of a man with anger issues picking the same beach to relax on that some Aqua Zombies decide to attack.  It gets really crazy!

I didn't cover all of the Segments, but where is the fun in that?  The End.

Not bad, not great overall.  The problem with any Anthology Film is that it has to be a sum of its parts.  If you have 2 good Parts and 4 bad Parts, the latter tends to win.  Likewise, if you have 2 good Parts and 1 bad part, it gets a pass.  In this case, the Film had about 8 or 9 parts to it.  That tends to be a problem.  The bits with Jesus and the Aqua Zombies by the same duo are bizarre, crazy and gory fun.  They both go on too long, but some of you may love the excess.  Bill Oberst Jr's parts are fine.  They are nice and simple, with the man himself playing the slow transformation quite well (aided by good make-up too).  The bit with the creepy girl- Certified- is well-done and silly, but, again, feels out of place with the Zombie Apocalypse Theme to me.  How to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse is a nice bit and works well spaced out through the Film.  Other parts- like The Bride or the 2 different POV ones- are good in spurts, but nothing special.  There's an interesting mix here which will either work or not for you.  One Film has Jesus killing Zombie Romans with a Swordfish one minute and a bit with a mopey Bride the next.  If this is just a Demo Reel for these people, good.  If you want a strong Film overall though, not so good.  Kind of like this poorly-disguised loss of an arm in one Segment...

Next up, I review another Screener that promises to shock.  I've seen it all- right?  Stay tuned...