Impossibly-Familiar Cover Art: The Big Bad

You know, I don't go looking for movie Cover Art like this.  They just...they just keep pulling me back in.

This film has recently popped up in Redbox Units and on Netflix.  Something about it feels familiar...

Hmm...I can't put my finger on it.  Could you help me out, Alison Lohman?

Of course!  It's another rip-off of the Drag Me To Hell.

Now, in case anyone who actually made the movie reads this, I'm not judging your *actual* film.  After all, this is the original Cover Art.

Strange, but much less of a rip-off.  Maybe I'll watch your movie now.

Rare Flix: Shocker

The fact that I got an actual DVD Transfer puts it ahead of Deadly Blessing right away!  Today's film is Shocker, a film that shows that Wes Craven only has so many ideas.  Well, that or the Studio System won't let him do anything all that new too often.  Given that we're looking at a Scream TV Show in the future, it could be either really.  What is this film about?  Well, a criminal dies and comes back to life to make life hell for a teenager who he thinks wronged him by using inexplicable dark magic powers.  This time though, it's not a Janitor, it's not child molestation and it's because of electricity in place of fire.  This is more than a sort-of Remake of Nightmare on Elm Street though.  You see, this film came out in 1989, right around the time that House III: The Horror Show did.  If you don't know the film or didn't read my review (tisk tisk), it's about a convicted killer who dies in the Electric Chair, only to try to drive insane/kill the Cop (Lance Henriksen) who put him away.  So is one a rip-off of the other?  They came out so close together that it's really hard to say.  Ironically, House III rips off Elm Street far more overtly by having their killer appear in weird visions or as other creatures.  Craven rips off himself less and John Carpenter more, as the body switching gimmick here reminds me of both The Thing and Prince of Darkness.  Will this film top it's House rival and be the one true 'Killer comes back to life as Electricity to get revenge' film to rule them all?  To find out, read on...

A killer who takes out whole families (about twenty years ahead of Fear Itself's Family Man) is terrorizing a Town.  In that same town, a young man (Peter Berg) hits his head during Football Practice.

Why does that matter, you ask?

He has a vision of some murders and actually sees the killer.  As it turns out, he's somehow mentally-projecting himself there...somehow.  Seriously, they don't explain it.

Unfortunately, since he wasn't there for real, he can't stop the murder of his family (save for his Dad).  They try to 'soften' the blow by saying that they were his adopted family.

If that wasn't the reason, then why make him be adopted?  It adds nothing otherwise.

Eventually, the killer is caught- after being shown as practically omniscient and super-human-, but manages to do some weird ceremony to keep his soul alive.

In the days following, he becomes a static-like spirit that can possess people and he uses them to try to kill our hero.  Why they still limp is anyone's guess.  I guess it's psychosomatic.

Fortunately, our hero has the ghost of his dead girlfriend on his side.  I've never dated a Deus Ex Machina before- it must be nice.

The static spirit of the killer refuses to give up.  Fortunately, our hero has a convoluted plan involving giving himself a concussion, luring the spirit into a camera and leading it through stock footage.

It's at this point that the film just goes over the rails.  Seriously, they run through footage of the Hindenburg Crash!

Speaking of which, how does them jumping into footage of the News cause them to physically-interact with the Reader (John Tesh in a weird cameo)?  I realize that none of this is really logical, but I still draw the line here!

Yes, even more than when they run through Leave it to Beaver footage.

After that, there's a very confusing wrap-up involving the power in town being blown out, a remote control and somehow the killer being turned into an explosion of pixels.  I guess it's up to you to fix him, Willy Wonka!  The End.

I'm...I'm not that shocked.  After House III, I wasn't sure what to expect.  Would I get the same movie?  Would Craven blatantly rip himself off?  To his credit, there aren't many 'Freddy' moments here.  They pretty much all show up in the end, although he does have a few quips before then.  The killer is certainly an odd mix of Freddy and Jason Voorhees, as he's presented as a mostly-silent figure initially.  However, once he starts talking, he won't shut up.  It's an odd transition to say the least!  The biggest issue here involves explaining things.  House III was a bit vague how the magic worked other than to just say 'He used black magic and now he's electric.'  In this film, they pretty much say the same thing.  My issue, however, is actually with the whole 'psychic connection' bit.  How?  Why?  When?  Why?  Seriously, they don't explain a damn thing!  This guy hits his head, has a dream where he says events actually happening and can just now 'sense' the killer.  I'm sorry, but no.  You can't just pull that crap out of your ass and expect it not to stink.  It does stink and really hurts the whole experience.  Regardless, it's a decent-enough film with some touches of creativity, even though it tends to go over the top near the end.  Isn't that right, Timothy Leary?

Next up, a crazy film that has truly earned it's cult film reputation.  After four years, it's time for a proper review of this shit.  Stay tuned...

Burning Rubber: Wrong

I don't want to be right.  Today's film is Wrong.  Is it?  No.  Is it weird?  Yes.  Unlike some other Austrian's I know- who will remain Maynard...I mean, nameless-, I thought this movie was very interesting.  I love Rubber- both the material and the film.  This is certainly an odd one.  In many ways, it is an experiment in Dadaism, an Art form based on a lack of logic.  If you're looking for logic, straight-forward events and anything remotely-conventional, this is not the film for you.  In the Making Of Feature, Dupiex refers to Wrong as an 'Un-film.'  That is certainly one way to look at it, although I don't know if it truly does it justice. The film has the makings of a normal story.  A man loses his dog and wants to get him back.  It's what follows that is unconventional, both in the events and how they play out.  I wouldn't dare SPOIL any of the major twists and turns of this film, but I'll give you a taste of what crazy shit there is to come.  This thing is a mix of bizarre and deadpan, which either really works or really doesn't.  You know how I feel, but let's see how you do after this...

Dolph Springer (a dry Jack Plotnick) makes up one morning to find that his dog is missing.  This really upsets him, as you can see.

The people in his life- his Gardener, a Pizza Delivery Girl and others- are not much help.  If he didn't call Pizza Delivery Companies to chat or talk to people on a Cell Phone while they're four feet away, that might help.

This Cop is no help.

However, Dupiex liked him so much that he wrote a spin-off film- Wrong Cops.  Future review, even if it does star one half of Tim & Eric.

Think your Office is not a fun place to be?  Well, you're right, but this one is worse.

Seriously, that is damp!

What's worse than an ugly tree in your backyard?  How about a tree that has spontaneously turned into a different one?

No matter what you think is bad about this movie, there is no denying that everything about her is good!

Who is this mysterious man in the Woods?  What does he have to do with the missing Dog?

I won't say, but I really doubt that you'll predict it.

When in doubt, read a book.  That seems to help, right Dolph?

Will Dolph find his dog?  Will his neighbor (aka that guy who's in like 5,007 commercials) find a new home? Will the strange man stop painting people's cars different colors while they're not looking?  Will studying a dog's poop answer the riddle?

I won't tell.  The End.

I like this movie.  At times, it may have dragged a little.  That said, sometimes it can be hysterical, provided you like its humor.  It is all about a mix of the mundane and the completely insane.  For example, a man starts to paint Dolph's Gardener's car blue while he's standing nearby.  When he sees it, he explains that 'he likes the car red.'  There's also the bit where Dolph's boss seems keenly aware that her Office is constantly being soaked in water, while her Office is dry.  She has plenty of towels- no doubt pressed by the other employees- in the place, so she's certainly aware of what's happening.  If you don't find this funny, I can understand it.  This film is an acquired taste and I don't just say that as a cop-out to explain why I like it.  The movie is an attempt to make a weird, random mess seem good.  To me, they succeeded.  It's not perfect, but it's so endearing to me.  If you're open-minded, give it a try.  You still may not like it, but at least you'll be able to judge for yourself.  I just know how all of this praise for Wrong is going to make some of you feel.  You're probably doing this right now...

Next up, a shocking tale of shockingly-shocking magnitude.  Look- I'm reviewing Shocker, okay?

Turning Korean: Dragon Wars- D-War

You are full of lies!  Today's film is Dragon Wars: D-War.  Wait- is it actually D-War: Dragon Wars?  The Poster, DVD Menu and the actual Title Card can't seem to make up their mind, so neither will I.  I will say this: it's a stupid title.  For one thing: D-War is a singular thing, while Dragon Wars is plural.  Did this title make more sense?  Secondly- it's a lie.  Even excluding the fact that there could be, at best, a single Dragon War, there is, well, none.  Seriously, there is no war involving Dragons.  You could argue that the film's semi-climax counts, but it doesn't.  There is a single Dragon in the film, although you really have to wait to see it.  This film is a South Korean one, but there were some major adjustments made for the juicy American market.  For all the talk of the added characters in Iron Man 3, this film has all of its main characters as Americans.  Craig Robinson is not from South Korea is he?  If you're on the fence about this film after all of the negative hype it got back in 2007, allow me to shed enough light on it for you.  As Dragonforce said, it's time to prepare for war...

Try to follow this plot.  It either hooks you (ha) or loses you within the first twenty-minutes.  Ready?

A meteor-like object hits Los Angeles (off-camera- naturally) and a Reporter covers it.  He sees a scale leading to a flashback of...

...him as a kid.  He goes to a man's Antiquity Shop and sees a magical light.  The owner- Robert Forster- tells him a story of...

...a tale of love/loss in Feudal Korea (if that was really a thing).  There are creatures called Imoogi (enjoy, Spell Check) that can use a woman's magical mark to become a Dragon.  The catch: it can only be done every 500 years.

The Guardian and girl choose to die, delaying the cycle for a while.

Back in the Present (of 2007), the girl is reincarnated as this blond lady.  Insert your own Girl With the Dragon Tattoo (Remake or Original) here.

The evil Immogi goes on a rampage in Los Angeles, somehow attacking with nobody knowing about it.  Where does a giant lizard hide?  How does it evade notice?  Where does it poop?

The Reporter turns out to be the reincarnated spirit of the Guardian.  It's good to know that we were turning Korean heroes into white guys long before Cloud Atlas.

As a side-note: does this give anyone Birdemic flashbacks?

The forces of evil gather at a very familiar landmark.  Does Batman know that you're hiding out by his exit?

The worst evil though: the film cheaps out by doing the 'Oh- that scene was just a dream bit.'  Twice.  In a row.  Just die already, movie.

In defense of the film, the semi-climax where the army attacks Los Angeles is a bit of mindless fun.  The CG is good too.  It helps when you go nearly three times over budget.

With about five minutes left in the film, the good Imoogi FINALLY shows up, literally at the last possible second.  Still no Dragons.

With about three minutes left, our heroine gives up her spirit to allow the good Immogi to become a Dragon. Nice of you to finally show up.

I won't SPOIL the surprisingly-dark Ending for you though.  You kind of have to see it.  The End.

This is a giant mess.  It's a Korean film.  It's a film for Americans.  It's a Floor Wax.  Five points on the imaginary Scoreboard if you get that 30 year-old SNL reference.  This film really doesn't know what it wants to be for more than five minutes- if that.  There are giant creatures, random comedy, Wuxia-style elements, a confused Craig Robinson and showdowns with the military.  One scene involves the bad Imoogi eating an Elephant, only to be seen by a Guard.  Said Guard is later in an Asylum (within a day, mind you) and shows up to just close out his 'comedy arc.'  What does this have to do with the battle between good and evil for the fate of mankind?  Jack shit.  The only good parts here are the Imoogi effects and some of the other creatures.  Given the inflated budget, you would hope that they looked good- which they do.  Other than that, this is a basic framework for a good movie somehow filtered into a silly, confusing mess.  If you like 'so bad its good' films though, this one has potential.  It takes itself very seriously and can be good for a laugh- something that Craig Robinson is in everything except this film.  Sorry, confused Craig.

Next up, a film by the man who brought us Rubber.  If loving Wrong is you, I don't want to be right.  Stay tuned...

Father's Dei: The Frankenstein Theory

Let me just be honest: I really didn't want to watch Invisible Dad.  I was planning to watch it...but eventually realized that it was a terrible idea.  Instead, I chose to do a Frankenstein film.  After all, he's certainly the most famous 'fathers' in the world of Horror after all.  He creates life and what does he get in return?  Usually killed in some dramatic manner- that's what.  So what Frankenstein film to do?  How about the newest one- The Frankenstein Theory?  What could go wrong?  From the Creators of The Last Exorcism?  Damn.  It's a Found Footage film?  Double damn!  This NEARLY made the cut for Project Terrible, but I decided that I wanted to see an Asylum Found Footage Film- Alien Origin- *slightly* less, so I took it instead.  What's the film about?  A man believes that Mary Shelly's Frankenstein was based on real events.  He thinks that a long-dead relative created it and that the creature still lives.  Why he thinks that is certainly up for debate.  This movie has one major, glaring issue: recognizable Actors.  Do I believe that Found Footage Films are real?  Of course not.  Can I at least suspend disbelief if, for example, Brad Pitt was playing one of the 'real' people?  Hell no.  Oh and this film really wants to be Trollhunter.  It's not.  To find out what it is, read on...

A Science Major who has been kicked out for his crazy theory: that Frankenstein's Monster is real.  To that end, he hires a film crew to, you know, what...SPOILER ahead

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The Monster is not as cool as the box art makes it look.  This is what it looks like.

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Okay, SPOILER is gone.

Instead of focusing on the plot (which is generic as hell), let's focus on the weird stuff.  For example, the fact that there is B-Roll in this Found Footage Film.

 Moments later, the Crew seems to be outright stalking their new Boss to get B-Roll.  How?  Why?  Who Edited this shit?

The Crew travels to Canada (actually Alaska) and teams up with a local Hunter who knows the territory.

Raise your hand if you recognized the guy from Trollhunter.  This is so cut & paste that some of you may not.

Instead of giving out any real SPOILERS (as if you can't guess this movie minute-by-minute), let me end by focusing on the best character in the film.

No, not that annoying douche bag.  He's...he's just an insult to the idea of Comic Relief.

No, the best character is this guy: Angry Black Guy Almost Hit by a Car.  He's intense, real and only in the movie for about 30 seconds.  He's the best!  The End.

It's a shit, Found Footage Film.  What do I need to say besides that?  The movie uses cheap excuses to not show the action.  The movie is paced poorly.  The movie is full of annoying, filler characters.  I didn't care about any of them.  Now, let's not be totally negative for a moment.  The Acting overall is not bad.  The problem is that the material they have to work with is just not that good.  I don't blame most of these people for how they turned out.  Here's another gripe: this is not exactly from 'The Creators of The Last Exorcism.'  One of the Writers of that film is an Executive Producer on this film.  So yeah, kind of a lie.  In summary, this film sucks.  My feelings are truly expressed via Angry Black guy Almost Hit by a Car...

Up next, I actually review Dragon Wars: D-War.  Let's see if D-War: Dragon Wars is as bad as they say.  Stay tuned...

Attack of the Animated Rip-Off Films!

When you watch/are aware of so many films, you notice patterns that other people may not.

Take, for example, the rut in recent years of films that are either blatant rip-offs, revamps and the like.  Here are three examples from most subtle to least subtle.

We begin with Shrek.  It was a massive hit and led people to go 'Let's make more films that riff on the idea of stodgy, old Fairy Tales.'  Enter Hoodwinked.

The difference: millions of dollars more made for the Shrek films and twice as many sequels.  Not necessarily *good* sequels, but sequels nonetheless.

Next, let's look at Madagascar and the much-less-seen The Wild.

In Madagascar, Zoo Animals get sent to the Jungle and can't cope with 'savage' life.  In The Wild, 'savage' animals must go to the *Urban* Jungle and can't cope with modern society.

Seriously, it's the same movie- just backwards.

That brings us to the final case (and the reason I thought up this thing).  Let's look at Planet 51 and Escape from Planet Earth.

In 51, an Astronaut lands on an Alien Planet & must team up with nice ones to escape the Military and return home.  In Earth, *Alien* Astronauts land on Earth & must team up with nice humans to escape the Military and return home.

Seriously- it took you four years after seeing Planet 51 (which came out in 2009) to Write and Produce the same film...just with the roles reversed?!?

Now, if this was actually a series, it would be a neat reversal.  It would still be a rip-off, but it could work.  It's not like anyone would just make the same film twice though.  Right, Mark Jones?

Oh.  Never mind.