Hire a Carpenter! : Escape from L.A.

What's old is new again and...it should have stayed old.  

Today's film is Escape from L.A., a sequel that gets some pretty mixed reviews from people.  

First, some background for neophytes.  John Carpenter was on the rise in the late '70's to mid-'80's when it came to films.  He Wrote, Produced, Scored (a rarity) and Directed a number of good, hit films like The Fog, Halloween and Swamp Thing (well, I like it anyhow).  During this period, he made Escape from New York, a film classic.  

As the 1980's closed, however, the man had a slew of films that under-performed or just flat-out failed to make much money.  Those films included Big Trouble in Little China (own it on Blu-Ray), Memoirs of an Invisible Man and Village of the Damned.  When all else fails (and sadly, it did), why not go back to something that worked before?  

That leads right into Escape from L.A., a sequel/remake of his hit film from 1981.  I call it a sequel/remake, because it is a sequel, but is also the same movie events happening again.  It would be like if Halloween II was about Michael Meyers chasing Lori Strode around the neighborhood two years later.  

Some of the original cast is back, but we see a lot of new faces.  You'll find that most of them- i.e. Valeria Golino- are playing parts already done in the last movie by other people- i.e. Adrianne Barbeau.  To be fair, some of the Actors from the original- like Lee Van Cleef and Donald Pleasance were dead at the time, so they couldn't exactly take part.  

The film is not terrible, but it's easy to see why this didn't work as well the second time around.  To find out the whole story, read on...

Jumping ahead a vague amount of time, a militaristic government has taken more control.  For all his bluster, Snake did, well, nothing apparently.

An Earthquake that was predicted by a Preacher hits Los Angeles, splitting it from the mainland.  Naturally, they make said Preacher the President for...um, being psychic?

Quick side-note: I didn't plan to review the film due to when it takes place, but...I'll accept the serendipity of it all.

 Snake is re-captured (off-screen) and sent on a new mission: get some MacGuffin device from some militants.  How did they get it?  The President's daughter goes all Patty Hearst on them and steals it.

So, to sum it up, Snake goes to a city full of criminals to get the President('s daughter).  How original.

In Los Angeles, Snake and Not Adrianne Barbeau end up in the hands of a Mad Plastic Surgeon aka Bruce Campbell in 10 lbs of make-up.  

Way to use a star- disguise him beyond recognition and use him for about five minutes.

As I said, Golino essentially plays Barbeau's part.  

The difference: this character has no relation to the bad guy (she just gets caught with him), does little in the film (goes to one set piece) and gets killed before the climax (abruptly, I might add).  

This is better?

In Escape from New York, Snake must fight a big brute of a wrestler.  

In Escape from L.A., he must make a bunch of free throw shots in a row.  

No, really.

In the second silliest bit of the film, Snake SURFS a tidal wave with Peter Fonda to catch a car driven by Steve Buscemi, who is basically playing Ernest Borgnine's Cabbie character from the original film.  

The only twist: he turns on Snake.

Snake and the Revolutionary Leader- who is clearly supposed to look like Che Geuvera- tangle up close and personal.  

He goes down and Snake retrieves the device.  

However,...

He decides to not give the government what they want, since they're assholes who will use it for their own gain.

Using their own holographic device, he keeps a safe distance and decides to...

Use their own space-based EMP Device to wipe out all of the technology on Earth.  

That's...an interesting decision.  The End.

Everything that was right about the original is still right.  

There's just one problem: I already saw this movie.  

In New York, Snake is forced to rescue the President.  In L.A., he is forced to retrieve the President's daughter.  

In New York, the hard-ass Commander (Van Cleef) eventually gets his comeuppance from our hero.  In L.A., the hard-ass Commander (Stacy Keach) eventually gets his comeuppance from our hero.  

I could go on like this, but you get the idea.  

So much of this film is a rehash of the original film.  You want to do that- do a Remake.  This awkward middle ground of making the story follow the original film while also making it a sequel has got to stop.  It is just confusing and I don't like it.  That's not to say that there aren't any new ideas in this film...there just aren't that many GOOD new ideas.  

What's new?  

The Basketball scene, the Surfing scene (just above Vampire Baseball in Twilight) and Pam Grier playing a character who's had gender-reassignment surgery.  Well, that and the evil 'getting lots of plastic surgery' gang.  Ooh, scary.  

This film is bad for all of the worst reasons: it's just unnecessary.  If you saw Damien: The Omen II and said, 'this was necessary,' then you'll have no issues with this film.  

If you didn't, you'll see just how wrong this thing went, CG Shark and all...

Next up, the second example of why a Director probably shouldn't come back to a series after so long.  It's time for some Meta Slasher action for the youngsters.  Stay tuned...

Because I Watched It: '80s Cartoon Intros (For Girls)

I'm a people-pleaser, so let me give back to the fairer sex a bit here.

First up, the female analog to one of the heroes of my youth: He-Man.  Best Christmas Special EVER.

Say what you will, but...well, I never watched this show.  If you like it, awesome.

Up next, a show that continues to air in syndication, albeit on obscure cable channels.  Sing us in, ladies...

For randomly stopping its own stories to sing, it proves to be the early prototype for Glee.  Yea?

Up next, well, leave any stitch of your manhood behind.  It's Pony time!

I will say NOTHING about this show, lest a certain part of the Internet attack me.  I'm scared.

Finally, let's make sure that nobody in my demographic is still reading this.  It's Rainbow Brite!

You lost me at...well, the beginning.

For you ladies out there, let me know if your favorite didn't make the cut.  For you guys out there, I'll have to up the ante for you next time.

Lost in Translation: Waxwork II- Lost in Time

Unlike yesterday's post, there's no question about this one being wrong...

I mean, seriously, look at this...

I don't know who made this, but what the hell?!?

Waxwork II is a weird movie, but you made a poster for what I'd best describe as David Lynch's Prometheus!

It's like if H.R. Giger designed a character while watching old Tex Avery cartoons.

What.  The.  Hell?!?

Lost in Translation?: Waxwork II- Lost in Time

Just when you thought it was safe to return to the Waxwork.

Wait- it was never safe there!  That line still needs work...

Anyhow, this is an odd one.  On one hand, it's not the official cover- that's the one in the review-, but on the other hand, it seems like it could have been...

See, it's like the original film's poster- with the Dwarf opening the door- but it's also not exactly 100% accurate to the film.  For one thing, Nosferatu here is not exactly a main character in the film!

Did the French get it right or wrong?  You decide!

Mondo Trivia: Waxwork II

There's so much to talk about with Waxwork II, so let's throw out some extra Trivia.

* The Actor that plays the Teacher in Waxwork also plays the Judge in Waxwork II.  Given that this Trial took place (at most) months later, how....how is this possible?

* In addition, the guy that played the Butler in Waxwork appears briefly as a Peasant.  In his defense though, he's in a different Dimension (or something)!

Ironically enough, the Phibes films did this too.  Another weird comparison that I just now thought of!

You know that old expression 'Who did they sleep with to get the part?'

Well, this guy didn't have to do any such thing...because he's the Director!  Unlike Frank Henenlotter in Brain Damage, this one is confirmed, as he 's in the Credits.

* A double-dose here.  One- the Credits play over a rap song written for the film.  Weird, right?

Second, the film features Stunt Work by Kane Hodder (who plays Frankenstein's Monster in Waxwork as well).  Bonus!

* Lastly, Drew Barrymore appears here as Vampire Victim #1 in the Nosferatu bit from the Climax.  Why?  I'm not sure.

On the plus side, I actually spotted her this time.  I've seen the film twice since I bought it, but only found her on the third viewing.  Don't blink!

Is there some Trivia that I missed?  If so, leave a comment and learn me something.

'90s Crass: Waxwork II

At last, the sequel to one of the most underrated '80s films ever.  It's Waxwork II: Lost in Time, ladies and gentlemen!  While not as good as the original IMHO, it has a lot to offer.  It really embraces the ridiculous aspects of Sci-Fi and Horror.  That makes a bit more divisive of a film, as it usually goes for the joke over the scare/fright.  A lot of the movie has some genuinely-silly moments stuck in between the serious ones.  For example, while our heroine fights off an evil, killer hand, it squirts mustard all over her while the sounds of 'Take Me Out the Ball Game' play for about ten seconds.  There's a lot of moments like that, honestly.  The story takes a few liberties in its attempt to expand the Mythology- as it were- and some of them are silly.  Most of the story, however, goes on a logical flow from the first film.  Zach Galligan is back and he's brought a whole bunch of Guest Stars to mix things up.  Another difference is that the sequel's plot leads to more outright homages and/or parodies of films, as opposed to just featuring cameos by their characters.  Like I said, there is some division about this film, so let's try to settle it.  To find out which side you're on, read on...

The film begins right where the original left off, but you'll notice something off.

Yes, the original Actress in the Lead turned down the sequel, so they re-cast the part.  I feel for them, but they could have gotten someone who looked more like her (or at least the same height).

 The hand that escaped at the end tags along with our heroine.  It kills her Stepfather- in a cameo by George 'Buck' Flower- and nearly gets her.  She destroys it, leaving no evidence to exonerate her at a Trial.

 Desperate, the pair find a secret room belonging to the Grandfather and take a new portal to find evidence to free our heroine.  They pile on Through The Looking-Glass references here and they literally go 'down the rabbit hole.'

Yes, that is from the first Alice book and not the second.  It's still more canonical than Burton's film!

These portals place them literally in historical places and the rules have changed.  Our hero reunites with the girl- who got separated in the hole- and must escape the house of Frankenstein (not the film).  They get separated again, leaving her in the world of Alien (which will make *some* sense later) and him in a recreation of The Haunting with...

 Bruce F-ing Campbell!  Shit just got real good, yo!

In all seriousness, Galligan helps solve the mystery, but must continue on his journey to save our heroine.  The two meet back up, but unfortunately get captured in a fantasy world.  Galligan's guide is...

 David Carradine!  It's a Sundown: The Vampire in Retreat reunion, even if their scenes are separate.

He tells Galligan how to find the villain, who is also working for Satan.  As it turns out, these 'worlds' are dimension run by God and the Devil to determine who's winning the battle of good vs. evil.  Make sense.

The villain is involved in the dark arts, which leads him to do weird experiments (see below).

His ultimate plan: replace and kill King George (John Ireland in his last role).  The plan is thwarted by Galligan and the man is killed after a sword fight through portals leading to Invasion of the Body Snatchers, Nosferatu and Dawn of the Dead (which is key).

Our heroes get to the only portal that will take them home, but only one of them can go.  Galligan sends the girl- with a zombie hand from Dawn- home to regain her life.

 After proving her innocence, she gets a delivery (in a plot point right out of Back to the Future: Part II) and takes a new portal watch to return to Galligan, who is now an Agent of God in the Multiverse (of sorts).

It's silly, but also silly fun.  Like Dr. Phibes Rises Again, it's a film full of plot holes and silliness.  In a lot of ways, it is harder to defend as a regular film.  With all of that said, it is very fun.  It is best to look at the film as a good time and nothing more.  The film really plays with the overall concept set up in the first film, which I don't mind.  I love The Haunting section, especially because of Bruce Campbell.  I just love that out of the 1,000s of films out there to recognize, they picked that one.  If I ever get the chance to make a crazy film that references other Horror/Sci-Fi Films, I'll make sure to 'pay it forward' to Waxwork/Waxwork II.  I will also say that it's interesting to see how much they could do with what I'm sure was a small budget.  They do a condensed version of Alien- that's just for one section.  It's obvious that they only made one suit (a la Attack of the Giant Crab Monsters), but it's still effective.  If you can accept that this film just wants to have fun, you can have some yourself.  If you're going to be picky, the film is silly and full of holes.  Take, for example, this Revealing Shot...

Next up, a two-part look at a Director mistakenly returning to his previous work over a decade later.  First up, a new city gets returned to...but it seems familiar.  Stay tuned...

Mondo Bizarro Reviews Anime: Black Blood Brothers

Flying Gun Vampires.

That is the major reason that I watched this show to review it.  In short- Flying Gun Vampires.  I should probably elaborate.

I watched the first episode quite a while ago on Streaming with a couple of my friends and we joked about how the cannon fodder seemed to be Vampires that were flying and had guns.  This spawned the go-to joke 'Flying Gun Vampires- the weakest of all vampires.'

As it turns out, there is more to Black Blood Brothers than that...

Brothers is the tale of two Vampires, a lady and a city full of, well, other Vampires.

* On the far right, you have our hero- the Silver Blade.  He's our stock hero.
* In the middle is our heroine, a woman in over-her-head in common Anime fashion.
* On the left is our hero's brother.  He's WAY too cute and adorable for this show, so why is he here?

The villains of the show are mainly these guys.  Essentially, they're super-bad Vampires who don't believe in hiding Vampires (aka Black Bloods) from humans (aka Red Bloods).

They're the Flying Gun Vampires from the first Episode, in case you were curious.

On top of that, our hero will randomly have flashbacks to this blond woman.  They usually come at the beginning of Episodes- especially in the wrap-up Episodes 7-12.

There is a point to them, but it would be a pretty big SPOILER if I say it, so I won't.

Here's the short version: our heroes are trying to get to The Special Zone, a place where 'good' Vampires can live in peace.  However, evils from our hero's past come after him, putting the whole place in jeopardy.  Action and biting ensues.

In summary, Black Blood Brothers is a good show.  I didn't always love it, but there was never a dull moment.  The characters are pretty stock at times, but they worked.  If you go into the show blind, you may have many questions.  Why is that cute blond kid on the show?  How much comedy can be forced into a show with lots of killing?  Why does it seem like they want you to understand so much more Mythos than they actually set up?  The latter is apparently a common thing done in Anime (or so I'm told) and is designed to make the show seem bigger.  It may have something to do with the show condensing a lot of plot from the Manga, but I can't really confirm that.  The film plays fast and loose with a lot of Vampire Rules too, which is good and bad.  For example, Silver kills Vampires, since we all just kind of think that for no good reason now.  They do use some old Vampire Rules like how Vampires can only turn you if you drink their blood too.  However, the bad Vampires can do it with just a bite...so why bring that rule up?  In the End, it's a good Action Anime that makes more sense in the End than it does in the beginning.  Ditch the kid next time though.

Next up, a show that truly embodies Japan.  It's Japanese History, only full of half-naked ladies in armor.  Stay tuned...

'80s Class: Waxwork

Anthony Hickox had a great few years.  Don't get me wrong- he still Directs films every now and then.  That said, he had a great run from 1988- his Directorial debut- to about 1993.  He made a bunch of kick-ass films- including Warlock 2 and Sundown: The Vampire in Retreat- and I love him for that.  It's a shame that his career has devolved to the point where he has a Seagal film- Submerged- on his Resume.  Let's enjoy the good times though, shall we?  Waxwork is the first film he Directed and it's awesome.  It's stylish to a fault at times, sure, but I just love the damn thing.  It has the same effect as The Abominable Dr. Phibes- I love it so much that it makes me forgive a lot of faults with the Sequel.  This is actually comparable in many ways to Phibes, as it is a 'hipster' version of classic tropes and stories.  If you have a reason for doing this, I like it.  If you don't, I hate it.  Make sense?  Good.  Waxwork is an excuse to put a ton of crazy, Horror characters into one film and, well, do you need to know more than that?  It has Dracula, a Werewolf, a Mummy, The Marquis De Sade, Night of the Living Dead Zombies and more.  If you haven't seen it, see it.  If you want to go in blind, don't read further.  Sadly, the film seems to only be available on an old DVD that collects both films with zero in the way of Special Features.  While Hollywood hopefully solves this dilemma, read on...

A bunch of hipsters- led by Zach Galligan- are going to College.  They...really have no plans, other than smoking, bickering and having sex.

Oh and they do the 'rich people talking at a giant dinner table' joke a year before Batman.  Suck it, Burton!

In a scene right out of Demons (another reason I love it), a man (David Warner) invites our heroes to his Waxwork for a private party.  What could go wrong?

As it turns out, the displays are a vessel used to kill people and harvest their souls.  To make the film only 90 minutes long, we don't get to see all of them.

Honestly, if I had the money and resources, I'd make a film showing the other dozen or so exhibits and how the people died.  It would have no drama, but it would rock!

Miles O'Keefe is here as Dracula.  I actually really like him here, which is something considering that he's in three of the four Ator films.

As it turns out, Warner killed one of Galligan's relatives is doing this to help Satan.  He needs eighteen exhibits to be activated since 6 + 6 + 6 = 18.  Math is evil, kids!

A key plot point here is also that the exhibits hold an artifact that the person/creature once held in life.  Bear that in mind for later.

All of the creatures are brought to life via cheating, but a squad of old men- led by Galligan's grandfather- come in to fight them.  This battle is sadly-short-changed in the long run, but the logistics involved make me accept it.

One of the exhibits' inhabitants is a killer alien.  No, really.  See why I meant about remembering the 'objects held in life' bit earlier now?

Yes, the killer baby, man-eating plant (Little Shop of Horrors reference) and snake-mutant thing I accept, but this seems silly.

 Highlights of the fight include Galligan killing a Werewolf, the killer baby being exploded by a shotgun and this guy taking out Dracula as he tries to flee.  Boom goes the dynamite!

In The End, Galligan and our heroine are the sole survivors.  Who will believe their tale?  What will they do next?  Why does a wandering Zombie hand seem important?  To find out...read about the sequel.

As you can see, I have really weird taste.  Waxwork is quirky, bizarre and has a goofy plot.  I still love it.  If anything, that's why I love it.  It's ironic and post-modern, while not making that the only thing of note.  So much of Ironic Horror/Sci-Fi/Action is just about the gimmick, be it Scream's Meta plot or other silly stuff.  At this point, we mostly remember those films for those elements, but forget most else.  That's not to say that the films are bad.  For those of us that remember Waxwork, we remember for all of the crazy shit that goes on.  There is so much to love if you are so inclined here.  I couldn't even begin to cover some of the weird, wacky and wonderful moments, even with my choice of expanded pictures.  I have at least a dozen more shots that didn't make the cut, sadly.  It says something that in a film with a guy sword-fighting the Marquis De Sade, John Rhys Davies becoming a Werewolf and a Mummy that crushes a man's head under his boot that I can focus on stuff like 'Why does the Invisible Man kill this lady with a gas hose?!?'

Up next, the sequel- which is on the same disc anyhow.  It's a lot sillier, but I still love a lot of it.  Stay tuned...

Going Green: Getting Lucky

Hopefully this helps you with your hangovers!  After many St. Patrick's Days gone by, I'm finally touching upon this little number.  I'll leave the Leprechaun films to the Syfy Channel and their stupid-ass name.  Instead, let's look at Getting Lucky, a film that Troma was kind enough to post for free on their YouTube page.  I'd never pay to see it, so thanks!  The film is an '80s-style Sex Comedy, albeit one made in 1990.  A common film from USA Up All-Night, this film has a cult following to some.  It's appropriate because the film's plot involves a Leprechaun- a drunken one at that.  Can a creature with very little control over its own spells help our nerdy hero get the girl?  Of course, but it's not going to be easy!  To see how odd this little film gets, read on...

This is our hero.  He's a nerd.  He loves the hot girl at school, in spite of her 'five-head.'

She, however, wants nothing to do with him.  She is trying to finally lose her virginity to the Alpha Male/Jock at School.  Our hero proves to be a challenge, even if it is by accident.

On top of that, the girl's mother is very protective and keeps thwarting the guy's attempt at, ahem, breaking new ground.

As luck (of the Irish) would have it, our hero finds a drunken Leprechaun in a beer bottle.  He can use his powers to help our hero get the girl.

Now, him getting it right is another story.

I'd just like to pause the review for a moment to point out that people were still using Day for Night...in 1990!  Seriously, guys?!?

Where was I?  Oh right- this girl's virginity.  The Alpha Male/Jock is still trying to get her, while our hero keeps up the fight as well.  What is a girl to do?

In the film's most famous scene, our hero is shrunken by a misfired wish and ends up on the girl's...well, you figure it out.  It's a creative scene, even if it is disturbing on many, many levels.

Our hero woos the girl of his dreams with dates involving Put Put Golf and...picking up trash on the streets.  Really?  What could that possibly get you?

 Oh, you're getting married...apparently.  That's random and abrupt- especially for a Sex Comedy!

 All of this leads to a really silly shish kabob fight in the style of a sword fight.  Our hero wins and, after a completely ancillary closing scene, lives happily ever after.  The End.

Thank God I'm only a little bit Irish.  In all seriousness, this movie is just plain weird.  It's a Sex Comedy with some pretty raunchy jokes...that ends with the two leads not even making out before they get married.  In other words, it's the Twilight of Sex Comedies.  I still can't get over the fact that Edward hangs out at this High School as a 100+ year old man, but won't even get to 'second base' before marriage- can you blame me?  Back to this film, it's really not, well, good.  The jokes are broad, obvious and not all that great.  It has that one inventive scene- the one I will only speak vaguely about- and that's about it.  So much of it is bland and generic.  I'm used to Leprechaun films with killers on Pogo Sticks, people being burned to death by Espresso Machines or magic flutes that allow you to become a great Rapper.  This...just doesn't do much with the whole Leprechaun thing.  Hell, even Jack the Giant Killer- as goofy as the '60s film is- made pretty good use of the Leprechaun as a Deus Ex Machina for the Third Act.  I wish I could say better things here, but that's pretty much it.  It's alright, I guess.  I wonder if boobs could cheer me up...

Up next, the original review planned.  Time to see how I feel about this Anthony Hickox film after all this time!  Stay tuned...