Because I Watched It: Bizarre PSA + Popeye

A random search on YouTube (what other kind is there) found me a 1950's PSA teaching boys to avoid 'the gays.'  A bit later, I found the full-version...which is amazing for so many reasons.

The moral: 1950's boys were freaking idiots!  Seriously, why would you do any of what they do here- gay people or no gay people.

Oh yeah, that and lesbians commit no crimes.  Thanks, 1950's!

As a bonus, here's this freaky Popeye cartoon.  Honestly, the war-time Racism is probably one of the LEAST weird parts of it.

Remember the good old days when Satan could just appear in children's cartoons?  It's a shame, really.

Got any other freaky YouTube gems to share?  If so, leave a Comment and I'll check them out.

Alien Week: Alien Terminator

It's like Deja Vu all over again!  Today's film is Alien Terminator- a very subtle title, huh?  As you probably guessed, it has nothing to do with either the Alien nor the Terminator franchises.  Why Alien vs. Terminator is not a thing is anyone's guess though!  Instead of being a unique film crossover, you get a film that's essentially a remake of Forbidden World/Mutant, a Roger Corman Produced film that tried to be a genre-bender.  Much like Corman's cut, this movie lacks any of that.  It's just a dry, sci-fi film with a budget barely large enough to fund the Catering Department!  Apparently this movie is important because Maria Ford is in it.  She's important enough to have a whole bunch of movies on Netflix labeled as The Maria Ford Collection...but I still have no idea who she is.  Her resume is not exactly the biggest and brightest, featuring such films as the 1995 Showtime remake of The Wasp Woman, The Unnameable II and Burial of the Rats.  Yeah, all of those movies.  To find out if this film is worthy of any fanfare or collecting, read on...

Stop me if you've heard this one before: a bunch of Scientists are in a secret, underground laboratory.  They're trying to create new life for...some reason.  Nice of you to re-use the chairs from Carnosaur II...or vice versa.

Just like in Forbidden World, a cross-combination of old and new life creates a monster and it escapes.  I thought for sure that those tiny, metal bars would work too!

The film has two nude scenes and this is one of them.  Nothing actually happens here, so just follow the arrow.

They blatantly rip off the chest-bursting scene from Aliens.  Oh, I mean it's totally different because the creatures bursts out *from underneath him.*  My bad.

Unlike Alien Lockdown, I have no shots of the creature.  This film was made in 1994, so it's just a cheap suit that barely ever stands still.  Trust me- you're not missing much by me putting this shot in instead.

As the cast gets whittled down, the company behind the lab tries to blow the lab and claim that they are all dead.  The crew doesn't take this news well.

The cast is finally down to the two 'misfit' characters and they take out the alien.  By this point, it's a pretty 'meh' moment.

* Cue mild explosion that probably cost more than the actual Set Design *

To wrap up the 'evil boss' (who's face is never shown) plot, he up and kills himself when the two escape.  They walk off into the sunset...which seems like a silly thing to do when you were literally just rescued.  The End.

Do I even need to tell you that this film is underwhelming?  The unofficial movie law of The Cooler the Title, The Lamer the Film is certainly true here.  Nothing about the film really sets up the idea of an 'Alien Terminator,' but the title sounds cooler than Crappy Monster in a Dark Basement.  Seriously, there should be an Alien/Terminator crossover (if I didn't miss a comic out there somewhere).  Make it happen, World!  Where was I?  Right- this movie.  It probably didn't help that I was watching a better sci-fi movie (Total Recall) in a much better format (Blu-Ray vs. old, cheap DVD print) in the same day.  Seriously, watch a Blu-Ray/good transfer DVD and then watch a Pan-and-Scan- it's like night and day!  Even if this film was in high-definition, it's still generic and dull.  Unless you're a huge Maria Ford fan, you can skip this one.  In closing, let me make up for the lack of monster shot(s) with this still from a more memorable (but not better) alien film...

Next up, a film featuring an alien invasion, the bad guys from Wrong Turn 3 and the Quantum Ranger.  After his pointless role in Lethal, he's the star!  Stay tuned...

Alien Week: Alien Visitor

I'm not going to beat around the Bushman here.  This movie was really not that interesting.  That's not to say that anything I watched was bad.  It just did absolutely nothing to draw me in.  The movie in question is Alien Visitor, the only Streaming film this week.  It's a good thing, since I hate to waste discs on boring-ass movies.  I mean, it happens a lot, but I still hate doing it.  The film is, well, I'll get into what it is later.  What you need to know here is that it's from Australia.  If you've read the site, you know that I have a love/hate relationship with that Country/Continent.  Their films are really weird and I don't always know why.  This is a good example of this, but not in a fun way.  To see me break it down in a simple way, read on...

The movie is a tale told by a Grandmother to her Grandchildren.  However, she can't just tell HER story.  No, she's telling a story told to her by someone else.  That is unnecessarily complicated, movie!

An alien shows up and apparently time moves around her...or something.  Don't ask me to explain this shit.  If you want someone to make sense of this arty crap, ask Bob.

 This is pretty much where I gave up on the film.  You see, she runs across this guy and keeps talking about trying to get home.

Yeah, this is Starman, but with some super-preachy environmental message to come.  Pass.  The End.

Wake me up when I care.  Let me get this out of the way: I don't think that this movie is terrible.  That should appease the five people that actually have seen it.  My issue is that the movie just drags.  If there is a point, you could at least set it up early on.  You don't have to give it away fully, but at least throw me a bone!  Just chalk this up to my disinterest in Art Films.  To be fair, I kind of thought that this was going to be this way.  I thought that a break from 'Alien runs around killing people' would be nice.  Other than a nap, I was wrong.  On the plus side, this 'Starman' has bigger boobs than Jeff Bridges (even now)...

Next up, Maria Ford is always good for a cheap laugh.  To see a premise you've already seen this week, check it out.  Stay tuned...

Alien Week: Alien Agent

No, Adrian Paul is not in this movie!  Today's movie is Alien Agent, a Direct-to-DVD movie starring Marc Dacascos.  If you don't know him, he's the star of a bunch of low-budget action films like Crying Freeman, Only the Strong and, naturally, an Asylum film called I Am Omega.  The plot is simple...sort of.  It's never good when I qualify that, is it?  Basically, an alien race wants to colonize Earth as their new home-world and they don't care who they have to kill to do it.  However, that's only a fringe group- the rest are good.  They send their best Agent- Dacascos- to make things right and stop the aliens that come here to set the invasion in-motion.  Why they send one when there are dozens of criminals is never explained.  This does sound similar to the plot of Tracker/Alien Tracker, a show/'film' starring Adrian Paul.  There are minor tweaks to the story- them being criminals and not militants- but they are similar.  One major difference you'll see here is, well, something that you have to see to believe.  To find out what it is and if this film is actually competent, read on...

Marc is an alien agent looking for his foes.  When they rob a military truck- by way of a femme fatale back-flipping into the truck!-, he springs into generic action.  Cue car chase shoot-out!

After getting ejected from his car, him and another alien engage in a kung-fu fight.  When things go his way, Marc pulls out a shotgun with special rounds and then the silly moment occurs...

You see, these aliens are basically sparkles that take up human bodies.  That's less cool than a kick-ass, bi-racial alien fighter for sure.  The silly effects don't help!

As for Billy Zane, he plays a Redneck- though this is set in the Mid-West- who hits on this small-town waitress with a tattoo shirt.  Was that a trend for five seconds that I missed?  Didn't think so.

Out drinking, Zane is drowned in a lake that a meteor hit.  Just go with me, people.  This allows the sparkle aliens to take over his body.  In this case, it's the militant group's General- the big cheese!

When the action hits the small town, Marc and the Waitress join forces.  She's his Short-Round, folks!

In action, Marc generally kicks ass and can't be killed by bullets...sort of.  As the film progresses, his powers weaken.  It's just a shame that someone with actual acting range isn't around to convey the emotion involved!

Not that it matters.  For all of the movie's decent action and plotting, silly stuff like this is just hard to ignore.  He is all made of stars!!!

Oh and there's a sub-plot where the teenager wants to sleep with Dacascos.  You realize that you're trying to f#%k an alien Scarecrow, right?!?

Wonder why I haven't mentioned Zane in a while?  Well, he's only in about five scenes- one with Dacascos.

As the biggest 'star' here (by virtue of being in Titanic), he is quickly written out, setting up the fight between Dacascos and his former-girlfriend.  He wins.  Afterwards, he risks the portal to go home, but...

It's all a ruse.  He just comes back seconds later, making the teenager think that he's gone forever.  What a dick!

In a post-script, he fights more alien terrorists, setting up a sequel that nobody requested.  The End.

Sparkle sparkle sparkle!  This movie is certainly interesting in theory, but pretty lackluster in execution.  It's not just a budgetary thing either.  Admittedly, if the movie had a $40,000,000 budget instead of a $4,000,000 one, the effects would be better.  That aside, the action is uneven.  In the opening scene, Dacascos kicks lots of ass.  In his next fight scene against a fellow alien, he gets the shit kicked out of him!  He only wins by grabbing his Shotgun Ex Machina (a plot idea later seen in Drive Angry) and getting one shot in.  Even in his final fight scene, it's closer than you'd imagine, with the exception of instantly knocking away Zane.  Why is he in this again?  He appears in one scene as the redneck, gets killed in the next and spends the rest of the movie occasionally showing up to say 'How are things going?' and then disappearing.  Why cast him and do nothing with him?  He gets one brief 'I'm evil' speech before being disposed of and even that's not very good.  If he's supposed to be like Zod- alien General, main villain-, you have done a terrible job of doing that!  I can name numerous bad movies built around having C-List action stars fight- they actually have it happen.  Hell, even the titular creatures in Human Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy fight- for about 20 seconds, granted!  It is also hard to ignore the similarities to the Adrian Paul vehicle covered recently.  This is definitely better than the 'film' version, but it's not great.  If you like Direct-to-Video Action, you can do far worse.  Other than the silly effects, it lacks the goofy charm of other films to draw in the curious.  As it is, it falls flat- in the middle of the pack.

Next up, I go into Instant Viewing territory with an Australian import.  This may seem familiar.  Stay tuned...

Forgotten Toons: Archie's Weird Mysteries

Much like a Singer at a Piano Bar (those still exist?), I take requests.

Okay, so Archie, Betty, Veronica and Jughead are characters that have been around for a long time.  I don't really care.

Even so, I'll gladly take on their 2000 cartoon that attempts to be like The 13 Ghosts of Scooby-Doo.  Yeah, I watched that show...because Vincent Price was in it.

One last note: there's no official Season release on Netflix.  As such, I'm reviewing the show via the only 4 episodes that I can.

So let's see what the show is all about...

To the show's credit, they do these 'Trailers' of sort at the beginning.  If you think that the audience might be unsure, this could help.

The stories are pretty stock sci-fi.  You have time-travel gone awry...

Invisible people...

...and people being shrunk down to face what wouldn't be ordinary menaces.  That and riding hamsters like they're horses.

There is one episode premise that kind of stands out though.  In it, Veronica makes a wish on a magical stone, which causes people to turn into her whenever they get whiny or complain.

This builds up to her realizing how annoying she can be and doing what she can to stop it.  It would be a neat character moment...if this wasn't the second of four Episodes on the Disc.  Maybe it worked better in a series run, but it seems forced in this small run.

As a whole, the show is kind of interesting.  If I cared anything about these characters, I might have more interest in a show that takes their normal lives & turns it on their head.  It's not a bad show though.  If I had to make a more general complaint, I'd say that the animation seems a little cheap.  There's not one major error to point too- like characters being off-model or the like-, but it just feels lazy.  Who's behind it?

Oh, that explains a lot.  Thanks, DIC!

Got any more suggestions/requests?  Hit me up in the Comments.  I await what weird shit you'll ask me to do next!

Alien Week: Alien Lockdown

Stop me if you've heard this one...or will hear it again later this week.  Today's film is Alien Lockdown, a film so generic that I could re-use segments of old reviews in place of a new one.  I mean, I won't...but I could.  The plot involves an alien breaking loose in a lab and some Marines coming in to kill it.  They try to cover up how paper-thin this is, but to pretty much no avail.  Any 'flourish' they add just feels tacked-on and sometimes silly.  On the plus side, Martin Kove is hear to ham up the whole affair and add a little color.  On the negative side, just about everything else.  I found myself so apathetic towards the film that I started to read a book while watching it.  I'd get alerted by every musical sting or yell, but that was about it.  Even so, I watched it, so you have to read this.  Don't you try to skip me, mister/missy!  To find out what you already know, read on...

In a long, silly opening scene, a narrator talks about a meteor that crashed into the Earth.  It was fought over for generations- even being carted around like the Ten Commandments- before ending up in some rock where a guy finds it.

What impact does this have on the plot?  Pretty much none.  No, really.

Buried in a mountain (next to Arvin Sloane from Alias, no doubt), there is a government lab.  In it, a scientist explains that he used the gem to help create a super-invincible killing machine as a 'nuclear deterrent.'  Seconds later, it starts killing everyone.

Seriously, is this a parody of this kind of movie?

A young lady is sent in to 'clean the mess up.'  Her Boss is Martin Kove.  Yeah, that means that he's barely in this movie.  Boo.

I should also note that this Marine is doing this, but it's *big shock* her last mission.  It should end well, I think.

The woman and her group of commandos enter the building to survey the damage.  Hope you like the color green.  Somewhere, Hal Jordan is crying tears of joy.

Gee, I wonder if this guy is up to no good.  All he did was make an nigh invincible alien, splice his DNA into it and then run away like an evil guy.  It all checks out.

You rarely see the alien in this movie, so I'm doing you a favor with this shot.  Then again, am I?

Not content to just have this awkward mix of Predator/Alien, they also have it be able to create a bunch of little aliens.  Why did the Scientist put this in his 'nuclear deterrent' again?

Who will win- killer with an inexplicable conscience or this generic alien thing?

Do I really have to answer that?

Yes, despite this being 'her last mission,' she doesn't suffer an heroic death.  She, instead, flies off into the sunset with the one good Scientist.  The End.

So yeah, that was a movie.  I wish I had more to say, but I really don't.  This kind of like the Mad Libs of movies...if everyone tended to fill in the same options for every blank Noun and Verb.  There's nothing new here.  There's nothing exciting here.  It just exists and it ends without any fanfare.  Could you imagine how infuriating that could be?

Next up, Marc Dacascos is a good alien and must battle Billy Zane, who is an evil alien.  There's no way that this premise could fail!  Stay tuned...

Mondo Bizarro Rants (For Cheap Hits): The Hunger Games

Let me preface everything that I'm about to say.  Ahem.  I have not read the book(s).  I really have no interest in them.  I'm only talking about the movie- or what I watched of it last night.

Fans of the movie: I just don't buy it.

Let me break it down a bit...

1. Society broken down into 12/13 Districts (counting the rich area).
2. All but one of them are poor, industrial districts (think Detroit in really, really bad times).
3. The rich District has all of the power/military and makes the other Districts kill each other for more rations.

I can buy #1, especially given that this is what I call 'vague sci-fi.'  There are some gadgets/tech, but it mostly looks like we do now.  I can buy #2 to an extent, but can't imagine how there is not always fighting of some kind.  The film- or what I saw of it- didn't say that this was happening.  11/12 Districts just kind of sit there gritting there teeth...for over seventy-years.  Hmm.

It's really #3 that the problems occur.  The first part- fine.  You can see places like that in the Middle East (e.c. Syria, Egypt, Iraq).  That said, the second part is where it all falls apart for me.

Historically, there has been stuff that people could list as a comparison.  For example, the Reconstruction after the Civil War was structured negatively for the South.  Likewise, rebellions against political leaders in places like Kosovo have led to mass-murder.  This is not quite the same in either regard.

In the film, the rich people are so callous that they not only make people fight to the death for bread, but make it out like a TV event and broadcast it like The Olympics.  That's a step beyond for me.  You could say that the Romans made Gladiators fight, but they were usually criminals, 'religious zealots' or foreigners.  That's not the same as people in New York making people in South Carolina fight to the death & you watching this like its American Gladiators!

One could also say that this developed over a long-period of time, during which the poor people got dehumanized to the point of them being 'expendable.'  This would be supported by the event shown in the film to be the 74th one.

Here's the thing: the movie does a poor job of conveying that.  Maybe the book does it better- I don't know.

In the film, the rich people are amoral assholes who splice their DNA and enjoy watching poor people murder each other for bread.  A LOT has to happen for people to reach that point...and the film does almost nothing to show you how they got there.

The movie In Time begins with about 30 seconds of narration from Justin Timberlake explaining that everyone is some sort of cyborg/android that has to literally buy time before they shut down.  I'm sorry, but I expect a little more of an explanation than that!!!  That's kind of how I feel about this movie- show me something, anything that explains how these people got to this point.  Why is that so hard?

For me, the end result is that it took me out of the 'reality' of the situation, which is what the movie is built around.  The rich people just become cartoon characters a la Lex Luthor on Challenge of the Super Friends show- evil...just because.

In conclusion: I just didn't buy it.  Sorry.

Instant Asylum: Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies

Are you able to actually top the theatrical film?  Today's film is Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies, a film that should be absolutely awful on its own.  Well, it's not.  To answer the obvious question, I have not seen Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, nor have I read the book.  I got my friend the book a while ago.  How is it, Bob?  Anyhow, what I know about the film is that Bill Oberst Jr is in it.  Given his own thoughts on his other Asylum starring role, it's nice to see him get a role that seems to fit him.  The character of Lincoln is straight-laced, while the environment and plot are not.  Thankfully, they don't try to play this movie for laughs.  There are probably times when they are a bit too maudlin, but that's debatable.  The plot involves Lincoln going personally on a mission- you'll have to accept this fact- that turns out to be a zombie infestation.  What started it?  They don't say.  Can they end it?  Not addressed, either.  If you want a taste of this movie- tastes like Chicken- and whether or not you'll want to see it, read on...

In a cold open, young Mr. Lincoln has to kill his parents with a scythe.  Who hasn't been there, right?

I should mention that this scene has almost no bearing on the plot.  It was in the Trailer to the more-famous movie, so it's here!

In the present (of 1863), Lincoln hears about how a mission has gone awry.  When his top man is killed by a zombie, he goes instead.  Yeah, you really have to ignore how goofy that is.

Lincoln has not forgotten how to kill zombies since...that one time they showed him doing it.  He also carries his fold-up scythe at all times.

You know, it's useful now, but it must have been awkward for the last 30 years of NO ZOMBIE ATTACKS.  I'm just saying.

Abe goes to a fort alongside the Secret Service.  They were invented *because of* Lincoln's assassination, but why should I question a movie in which zombies are deaf?

They say that politics makes strange bed-fellows.  Well, the same can be said about Civil War-era zombie attacks.  Whether it's a famous Confederate General...

 ...some 'women of ill repute' and even...

A young man would later become President.  SPOILER ALERT: He doesn't die here.

With lots of time and zombies to kill, Abe doesn't skimp on the action.  Kill those zombies, Rapist Priest!

 Even if he saves the day, what is it that dooms Lincoln to his historical fate?  To find out...watch the movie.  The End.

In spite of everything, I liked this movie.  Yeah, I said it.  It's not good in the classical sense, but it is a lot of fun.  To the film's credit, they don't go campy.  It certainly would have been easy, after all.  Lincoln cuts zombies to pieces and makes a joke about severing the Union.  Don't get me wrong- they still work in the jokes, but make them a little more subtle.  The thing that makes this movie work is Bill Oberst Jr.  It may sound like I'm kissing his ass, but he actually does a great job here.  He plays the film 100% serious and it works because of that.  He never lets on that he's making jokes or in a film with a goofy premise.  Say what you will about Asylum films- I certainly do- but they managed to make a fun one here.  My only real complaint is all of the CG blood.  I get it- it's cheap and easy to just add in post-production.  Just do one movie with squibs and fake blood- just for me!  The film is, as I said, is silly and fun.  Check it out while it's Streaming on Netflix.  Would you rather watch Alien Origin?  I didn't think so.  In closing, a quick lesson on what is fake and what is real...

Next up, the first in a five-film set of Alien films.  First up, an alien wants to be free and some military guys say 'nah!'  Stay tuned...