Rare Flix: Salem's Lot

Vampires are alive!  How is this movie so hard to find?  Seriously, Salem's Lot is generally the highest-regarded of the Stephen King TV Mini-Series' made.  Granted, it's more well-liked than The Tommyknockers or The Langoliers, but my point remains the same!  Why did I have to find this film from a site of less-than-good repute and not on DVD (or Blu-Ray)?  All I can figure is that it's some sort of licensing rights thing, but that's not a very good excuse.  Do you know what Salem's Lot is about?  If you don't, shame on you.  It's about Vampires- and not those ones that play Baseball with Super-Speed.  This Mini-Series came out in the late '70s and features some big acting talent.  You can't go five minutes without seeing someone you recognize, even if you can't exactly place where from.  This is truly a Cult Classic, even if it is a bit bloated due to the nature of its format.  To find out what you missed or see what you already remember, read on...

There is a great mystery in the little Maine (take a shot!) town of Salem's Lot.  What is this mysterious man up to?

What is it that draws this Author (take another shot!) to the town where he grew up in?

What the hell is Fred Willard doing here?  Doesn't he normally do either good comedies or terrible ones?

People are being attacked- usually just before a cut and a musical sting- and coming back as Vampires to lure their former family/friends into the fold.

Some of them even get some super, glow-in-the-dark eyes to boot.  It could be worse- I'm just saying.

The greatest group of heroes is assembled to stop the Vampire threat.

Actually, it's just this Teacher, this Author and some Doctor.  Close enough.

This Nosferatu-ringer is The Master and he's nobody you want to mess with.  However...

...the heavy-lifting is mostly done by his 'Renfield.'  He pretty much just dies while laying in his coffin.

In the Epilogue, Two Years have gone by and our remaining heroes- the Author and a kid from earlier- are on the run from the leaderless Vampires of Salem's Lot.  Will they ever find peace?

Find out in the sequel (you won't actually find out, by the way)!  The End.

Even with all of the padding, it's still good.  At the film's heart, it's a good tale of a small town slowly being overrun with monsters.  It's unfortunate that both versions of the film have been as a Mini-Series, since I think that it could work just fine as a film- the Larry Cohen film not withstanding.  This one works because it feels genuine and offers up a real experience.  Well, as real as Vampires taking over a small town in Maine can be anyways.  If you can accept the drawn-out format of the film, you'll enjoy it.  Besides, what other film features Fred Willard being killed by a Vampire?  As a bonus, they even worked in this cameo from Klarion The Witch Boy (shout-out to all you Young Justice viewers)...

Next up, Larry Cohen's belated Sequel/Remake.  Feel free to explain this one to me with a straight face.  Stay tuned...

Poor Bastards of Cinema: Knock Off

There are many crimes that someone can commit.  In Knock Off, a man commits the ultimate crime: cheating in a Hand Cart Race!

In this early scene, a friend of Van Damme's is in a race.  He cheats by having a dead ringer of himself and a kid- in place of a midget- finish the race for him.

You evil bastard!  You're going to get what you deserve!

Moments later, a van full of criminals grabs the guy.  Karma is a bitch!

Actually, they grab him because they think he's the actual person in the race.  What are you going to do now that you realize the error?

You're just going to shoot him still, huh?  I see.

Seriously, what was the point of killing this guy?  He doesn't even realize what the overall plot here that they have in mind.  He's just some guy hired to cheat in a race.  Damn!

Next up, a train full of people are doomed to die.  It's all the film's heroine's fault too!  Stay tuned...

Rare Flix: Munchies

I've made a terrible mistake.  Today's film is Munchies.  It's a rip-off of Ghoulies.  Ghoulies is a rip-off of Gremlins. This film stars a good comedian who could do a lot better.  This is the result...

Somewhere in Central America, a scientist- Harvey Korman- and his son- some schmuck- investigate a cave and discover an alien.  Don't get your hopes up.

Back home, the scientist goes to tell some people he knows about his discovery.  However, he's being watched by a mysterious figure.  Who is it?

It's Harvey Korman in a wig and fake mustache.  No, I'm not going to accept this!

No.  Not happening.

Definitely no.

The End.

I'm not going to apologize for this.  Here's the thing: there was just no hope for this movie.  I love Harvey Korman, which makes this all the harder.  While I didn't watch The Carol Burnett Show growing up, I did watch such great Mel Brooks films as Blazing Saddles and History of the World: Part 1.  Yes, I watched those as a kid.  Might explain some things about me, in hindsight.  The point is that I can't deal with this film. To be honest with you, the Korman thing only makes it worse- not bad.  It's a bad film.  I must have been thinking of Munchie (no 'S'), which is a Wynorski film.  That's probably bad too, but it's probably funnier- even if it is unintentional.  I leave you with this shot of a man failing to pretend hit his head.  So sad...

Next up, a surprisingly-hard to find film from the '70s.  Can this Vampire film live up to 40 years of hype?  Stay tuned...

Rare Flix: Vampirella

Why have you been hiding this from me, World?!?  Today's film is a Rare Flick.  Why?  Well, nobody has ever really bothered to release it on DVD.  How can you not?  Here's the rundown: Jim Wynorski, Roger Corman and a comic book property butchered to Hell.  Basically, Vampirella is not-so subtle 'porn' for the '70s crowd, what with her sultry costume and all of those covers with actual women posing in the costume.  In 1996, this film version was made with the consent of the comic's creator: Forrest J. Ackerman.  I'm sure he just loved how silly this crap ended up.  To begin with, The Who's Roger Daltrey is the villain, a Vampire with a silly origin (even beyond the space stuff).  The film is Directed by Jim Wynorski and Produced by Roger Corman, although he was mostly a Producer in that he gave the films money by this point.  The other thing to note was that this was Talisa Soto's big shot at a lead, break-out role.  The result: she's not exactly Acting all that much these days.  Mind you, she is married to Benjamin Bratt, so she can feel confident that she's making a huge portion of women out there jealous.  What's not to be jealous of is this film's script.  To find out just how silly this movie truly is, read on...

The film begins 30,000 years ago on Planet Drakulon where...okay, this is a lot to accept, but stay with me.

The evil villain Vlad- Roger Daltrey- is brought before the Council for the crime of Vampirism (as opposed to drinking from blood rivers- ew!).

Using the power of over-acting (plus his henchmen), he kills the Council and escapes...as opposed to taking over.

Oh right- it's cheaper to film in L.A. than to make all of those pesky new sets.  Cut to 30,000 years later, during which nothing interesting happened.

Vampirella arrives via a spaceship from Mars- more on that later- and runs into...Forry Ackerman.  Screw you, movie.  This is about as subtle as me yelling 'THIS IS NOT SUBTLE!!!!!'

She's on Earth for revenge against Vlad for killing her Step-Father and, if there's time, saving mankind, I guess.

Vampirella joins forces with a group of vampire hunters, which includes the most current Van Helsing in the line.  Time for battle!

Who will win in the battle between Vampirella and Vlad the Alien?

 

Ouch!  That's got to hurt.  Maybe he can rebound from thi...

Okay, he was just struck by lightning and dies.  That settles it.

In The End, Vampirella stays behind to possibly turn the Vampire converts of Vlad to good.  Since there is no sequel, none of that shit happens.

This is crappy, crappy gold!  All you need to know is the plot of this silly film.  Space aliens go to Earth and become Vampires that have haunted us for years.  A lady- Vampirella- shows up in a fetish costume- which is never set up- and fights them.  Throw in weird tweaks of Vampire lore- all weaknesses come from long-time exposure to Earth's atmosphere- and you've got a fun mess.  Is it good?  Hell no.  Is it hilarious at times?  Absolutely.  The acting is ridiculous and over-the-top.  The production is cheap and silly.  The film is just a big, goofy mess and I love it for that.  I wish there was a nicer print available, but I downloaded this from a website, so who knows where the source actually is.  I would love to see a DVD release of this, if only for the Jim Wynorski Commentary Track.  Take us away, random Cameo by John Terlesky (Deathstalker 2) and John Landis...

Next up, a film that's a rip-off of a famous film and inspired two non-sequels.  See how a Blazing Saddles star can fail to make this good.  Stay tuned...

Second Viewings

Having been a Netflix user for many years now, I've seen a lot of movies (even more than I review here).  At a certain point, I re-watch films, whether it's ones that I own or ones that I just rent again.

How well do the films do on a second viewing?  Let's see...

Dark Star: It's still a cult classic, but it is a lot goofier than I remember.  Was I wrong when I first saw it or am I wrong now?  Only time will tell.

The Guyver: Just as goofy and fun as I remembered.  Is it like the Anime/Manga?  Not really.  I still like it though.

Tombs of the Blind Dead: Just as good as I remembered it.  I actually watched the ORIGINAL version this time, getting away from the Dubbing.  As a bonus, I got to see the sexual content that was cut out.  It's not much, really, but it is there.

Plus, I got a couple new updates out of it, so it's all good.

Return of the Evil Dead: Maybe I'm more jaded now, but it wasn't as good.  The re-used footage- mostly in the emergence of the Blind Dead- was more distracting this time.  I still love that scene where the Mayor shoves that kid out there- classic.

Latitude Zero: A bit more dry than I remembered, but still some great fun.  Weird as hell- for sure!

The Howling: Still awesome.  No question about it.

Have you had any good/bad experiences with Second Viewings?  If so, leave a comment.

Project Terrible: The Clone Master

Let's see how badly the new guy can dish it out!  Today's film is The Clone Master, a film that I will freely-admit that I've never heard of before.  That's one point for you so far.  So what is The Clone Master?  What isn't it?  Actually, it's a pretty simple answer: a Science thriller.  There's not much more to it than that.  It does star Art Hindle though.  Yeah, that's...apparently notable.  Regardless of who's in or not in this movie, how silly the title line appearing is or why the film seems to be borrowing music from Manos: The Hands of Fate, I'll make the most of it.  Prepare to mundanely-shocked to death by...

A pair of scientists- one old and one Hindle- are making clones for...someone.  It's actually a plot point that they don't know who hired them...and that they are just doing whatever they feel like.  Touche, old man!

Their government contact is killed by...someone.  Oddly, he has no problem with the guy bugging our heroes' offices, but does have a problem with it being a risky decision.

The worst part: he kills him in this car.

Can you feel the drama?  Well, you might if they would elaborate exactly on what the clones are, what their purpose is and how dangerous/helpful they can be.

What is the hideous secret of the Cloning experiment?  They're making more Art Hindles!  ZOMG!

Now with a small clone army- about 13 more of him-, our hero tries to find his old friend- who was kidnapped and EVENTUALLY find out who's behind his research.

Oh yeah, his clones can communicate with him telepathically.

He eventually figures out that the guy we saw kill that guy with gas in the beginning is behind it all.  Rather than killing him, our hero sets up an extremely-elaborate scheme to lure him outside, fake an attack and force the guy to run away.

Did I mention that this was actually the Pilot for a TV show?  That's pretty important, actually.

In The End, our hero sends his clones out into the World, hoping that they will succeed.  We'll find out in the show.

*

Oh sorry, they never actually made this show.  False alarm.  The End.

It's stupid and silly- in Stereo!  This movie is honestly not Terrible, but it's definitely not good.  It's a neat idea...in parts.  As a whole, it's a long, drawn out film.  The Ending sections make up for the slow parts of it a bit, but only because they're so damn silly.  Psychic clones?  Clones of Art in silly disguises?  That silly finale with the fire?  It's all cheesy gold, but just comes too late.  Furthermore, the mystery is not exactly all that deep or interesting.  Is that evil guy from the beginning evil?  Maybe.  Another problem is that the film's rarity robs it off a decent-quality release.  I watched it on YouTube, clearly the source for HD video!  I can't blame the filmmakers for the quality of film 34 years after it was made though, obviously.  That said, they made a TV Pilot that wasn't picked up, getting us in the situation we're in.  If you can make it past the dull parts in the beginning, the pay-off is pretty fun, if illogical.  As Terrible films go, this is not one.  It's just kind of 'meh' really.  That's not as catchy of a name though.  Take us away, pointless Dutch Angle...

Up next, I finally cover some Rare Flix (via a Streaming Site).  First up, Roger Corman sends Vampirella into space (with the guy from The Who).  Stay tuned...

Project Terrible: The Void

Slightly-less dull than The Black Hole.  Today's Project Terrible film is the second one from my friend over at Gaming Creatively.  I'm pretty sure that he only wants me to see it because Adrian Paul is in it.  The guy is not a bad actor, but his films are..not always great.  To be fair, he was probably contractually-obligated to do the last two Highlander films, as I can't imagine someone reading the script for The Source & going 'I'm totally in!'  This film is clearly a Made-for-TV movie from 2001- just check out the credits if you doubt me.  The plot involves a scientist trying to mine black holes as replacement energy sources.  No, really.  While there is some science to that I'm sure, does that sound like a safe idea?  This is the kind of logic that got us the giant-brained sharks from Deep Blue Sea!  The film is notable for Sci-Fi TV junkies as it features Stargate SG-1 and Sanctuary star Amanda Tapping, as a love interest for the guy from Highlander even!  As a bonus, it features perennial bad/silly-movie actor Malcolm McDowell.  Whether it's playing the villain in Tank Girl, playing a gangster in Milk Money or appearing in a pointless cameo in Cyborg 3, the guy got around.  Does the film use this intriguing cast to its potential or just fall flat?  To find out, read on...

Appearing 'Live Via Satellite,' McDowell conducts an experiment to 'mine' a Black Hole as an energy source.  It goes badly...but you see almost none of that.

In the Present, Tapping is a Scientist using her boyfriend- Paul- to get access to McDowell's company and research.  Why?  Because he killed her father...by running the experiment.  That's sort of murder, I guess.

Much to my surprise, McDowell is actually in a bunch of scenes- with other actors no less.

All kidding aside, he has another test planned...since he has Cancer.  That excuses you if you accidentally blow up the world, right?

Things get pretty cliche here as McDowell's company tries to take out all sources of trouble.  This includes a Scientist helping Tapping and...

...her blind friend, who just happens to be at the Apartment.  When you first see this character, you know that she's going to die.

Now, had she been evil, that might have been something surprising.

United by love and a desire to live tomorrow, Paul and Tapping commit industrial sabotage to stop the experiment.  Unfortunately, it proves to be useless, turning the last ten minutes into, well, filler.

The saddest part: Paul takes out two guards- despite not being an 'action star' here- and immediately breaks his ankle while taking a step.  No, really.

The experiment takes place and, shockingly, goes badly.  McDowell and his Head of Security- who killed the blind lady just 12 hours earlier- 'turn face' and try to help save the day.

McDowell 'valiantly' sacrifices himself to stay behind and stop the Black Hole.  Yeah, you're dying and it was already your fault.  Nice try.  The End.

It doesn't quite suck or blow.  To be honest, this film is really not all that notable.  It doesn't have any really goofy moments, nor does it have any really great ones.  It's practically a place-holder film for something more interesting.  I don't know what else I can really say.  It's weird to see Paul randomly 'break his ankle' in that one scene.  It's silly that he is being pushed dramatically in a wheelchair during an attempt to stop the Black Hole.  It's stupid how they just gloss over the fact that the Head of Security killed the blind lady (and tried to kill our heroes) just a few scenes from when it happened.  It's annoying that the movie talks all about the really, really interesting things that the Black Hole could do to the Earth, but never shows it.  I get the 'we can't blow up the world' aspect, but they could have slapped in a dream sequence to make things interesting.  Yes, I'm ASKING for a dream sequence to be added into a movie, especially if it has no point.  Other than that, the movie is just so generic.  It's The Net, but with someone trying to make a black hole.  It's War Games, but with someone trying to make a Black Hole.  There's not much going on here that you haven't seen before.  Not quite Terrible, but only because it doesn't try hard enough to either succeed or fail all that much.  Take us away, totally-real photograph...

Next up, a film called The Clone Master.  I don't think that I even need to say anything.  Stay tuned...