DTV : Attack of the Giant Leeches (2008)

The catch about Public Domain films is that you can do anything you want with them.  For example, Killers from Space has been re-dubbed as a film about the military battling 'the gay plague.'  Good things do come out of them sometimes though, like Kung Pow: Enter the Fist or the 2005 remake of The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari (review coming next month).  Today's film is a recent example of Public Domain film remakes and boy is it...something.  The film was made a mere two years ago, but sure does not look like it.  If you wanted to see a low-budget film made by a bunch of Canadians for roughly $500, this is it.  Get out your waders out for my review of....

Like 1995's A Bucket of Blood, this movie is nearly a shot-for-shot remake of the original.  If you have not seen it in either a bargain-basement DVD print, in the Corman box-set or through Mystery Science Theater 3000, here is a quick recap: a back-water town is full of giant leeches that are killing hicks and the Sheriff must stop them.  That's pretty much it.  Here's the things to note...

* The ugly guy who is married to the tough-talking and unappreciative wife is not fat here, just mostly-bald.  Yeah, that's the same, right?


* The Sheriff is a complete dork who is in engaged in a pointless sub-plot involving trouble with his girlfriend.

* The other law enforcement officer is a former boyfriend of our hero's lady.  Does this add anything to the movie?  Other than a lot of stupid jokes and a dumb resolution, no.

* The leeches are not leech-men like in the original.  Instead, they are just partly-inflated tire sections.  I did not think it was possible to make the monsters lower-budget in a film made nearly 50 years later!  Hell, I was expecting them to by SyFy Channel movie CG, but nope.  They're just hand-puppets.
 * There is a sub-plot involving a trio of coeds who prance around in bikini tops and shorts.  Does it add anything to the story?  Nope.

* The girlfriend's dad has an upper-class British accent, but nobody else does.  This is not all that important, but it is weird.
* The people that were trapped in a grotto in the original are now just trapped on a patch of grass.  Really?

* The dad explains that the explosives they used to use to scare seals.  This is both freaky and- surprisingly true.  This does not exactly work out, although it does give us the sight of the dad acting like a suicide bomber to kill one leech.  Pointless sacrifices for all!

This movie is just bad.  It is barely over an hour & is still padded to the brim.  The whole relationship plot is just dull and listless.  The leech attacks are stupid and shot almost entirely with monster P.O.V. shots.  Guys, when you can't make your monsters move- don't bother!  Even crappy SyFy Channel films manage to give us crappy, but moving monsters.  Instead, this movie just features people wandering around in the muck and hicks talking about beer.  Yeah, that's a good replacement, guys.  I get that you can do whatever you want with these films & maybe you liked the original film.  Here's the thing: your movie sucks.  Stick with the Corman film.  It's silly, but enjoyable.  This movie: not so much.

Up next, I celebrate one year of internet blogging with a look at a film whose title tops all others: Time Barbarians!  Stay tuned...

Lost in Translation: Critters

To make things simpler, this is going to be the new place on MB to showcase weird, foreign posters of American films.

First up, how does Poland see a sub-par monster movie from the 1980s about killer puffballs?  Like this...

I...I don't know what this is supposed to be.  More importantly, I don't see how a theater patron was supposed to either.  Really, guys?

Next up, a pair of countries take on a Tobe Hooper classic.  What will they get out of it?  Stay tuned...

Rare Flix: A Bucket of Blood (1995)

As a director and producer, Roger Corman is a bit underrated in many ways.  Sure, a lot of his movies are not great and merely adequate.  Given the environment he worked in, can we really blame him for making cheap, simple productions?  Sure, The Terror is a really bad, Public Domain film, but you do have to admire his creativity.  You have a set and three more days of shooting with your star- make a movie!  In the late '80s and '90s, there was a curious trend to remake all of his movies.  The weirdest part, however, is that people have tried to pretend that this did not happen.  Almost none of these movies- including 1989's The Masque of Red Death and 1995's The Wasp Woman- have DVD releases of any kinds.  The closest they have is on VHS, which is where I got this movie.  Made for Showtime as part of the Roger Corman Presents series, this movie stars Anthony Michael Hall and a whole slew of future comedy stars.  To further prove my 'shame' theory, this movie was released on VHS as The Death Artist.  Get your clay out as I give you my review of...

This is a nearly shot-for-shot remake of the original film, so I will spare you a regular plot synopsis.  Instead, I'll highlight some key aspects of the film and the like.

* To his credit, Hall gets the lowly guy routine down pretty well.  He overdoes it a bit in the end though.
* David Cross has a small role as a man fawning after the lead poet in the club.  It's nice to see him only starting to go bald here.
* The owner is played by Sam Lloyd, who most people will know as Ted, the lawyer from Scrubs.  Here he plays a stern, tough-talking boss.  See- he does have range!
* Mad TV's Michael McDonald has a cameo as a performance artist who spastically dances on stage.  This was his big break before being steamrolled by Austin Powers in the first film.
* There is more gore in regards to the cat scene this time around, but it's not excessive.
* Random cameo by Paul Bartel, although he is not playing Mr. Bland here.  Too bad.
* Will Ferrel- seriously - has a cameo role as a stoner who loves Walter's art.  This is just before his big break out on SNL.
* They change the order of some kills, having the headless man murder take place before that of the lady model's.  Why?  Who knows?
* The ending is mostly intact, although the trailer- which plays before the movie- spoils it.  Just to warn you if you don't actually know it.  They cut the part with the ghosts though, choosing instead to just rip-off the ending of Lon Chaney Sr.'s The Phantom of the Opera.
* They do add a 'what happened later' tag on the ending, which is pretty decent.

This movie is decent, but has the same problems that I had with the 1990 version of Night of the Living Dead.  On one hand, they don't change a lot, which is a good thing.  On the other hand, it sometimes feels like they just wanted to do the film again, but in color.  You guys could just save time and, you know, colorize it!  The acting is solid, although the script does not age too well at times.  Many of the ancillary characters are very one-dimensional (especially the two jealous artists).  If you like the original film, this will do nothing to really replace it.  If you don't, this will not change your mind about the story either.  It's decent, but nothing special.

*

Up next, a recent remake of another Corman film.  This one is Public Domain too, so people have free-range to mess with it.  You've been warned!  Stay tuned...

Year In Review: Top 10 Lessons I've Learned

 After running a site for nearly a year, I have learned many lessons.  Let me share some of them with you now...

1. Sometimes you should 'judge a book by its cover': Many films sound extremely weird and often are.  Take, for example, The Eternal Evil of Asia.  It's about a group of men who are tormented by a Thai Wizard for the death of his sister after a love potion gone wrong.  Does it sound weird?  Yes.  Is it?  Extremely!  It has a pair of evil wizards who cast magic by flying around and having sex, a man whose head is turned into a dick and a woman having pantomime sex with a wizard.  Yeah, it's weird.  See the review here.

2. Don't always trust marketing: Tony Jaa became an international star in 2004 with the release of Ong Bak.  When that happened, every film he ever appeared in got a DVD release.  Note how I use the word 'appeared' and not 'starred.'  This was the case with Hard Gun, a movie that is billed a kung-fu film with the man.  What it actually is: a terrible comedy with a minor revenge plot under the surface and a small role by Jaa.  In their defense, his fight at the end is pretty cool.  However, his role accounts for about five minutes and everything else sucks.  See the review here.

3. Some movies don't have a pay-off: Early in the history of the site, I reviewed a movie called The Gardener aka Seeds of Evil.  Built as a starring role for Joe Dallesandro (the muscular guy from Andy Warhol's horror films), the movie promises a big ending.  What it actually delivers is both 'jack' and 'shit.'  You get one scene in the beginning of a plant 'killing a man' by being near him and doing nothing & then nothing for about an hour and ten minutes.  One woman is wrapped up in leaves and dies from...something before Joe is shot, walks into the grass and turns into a tree.  That's 86 minutes of my life I will never get back.  See the review here.


4. Movies often disguise their bad plots as good ones: When a movie ends up in a segment known as Blockbuster Trash, it is not something to be admired.  Blood of Beasts is a direct-to-video fantasy film with a plot reporting to be a version of the 'Beowulf' story.  What is it really?  A thinly-disguised version of Beauty and the Beast, just with Vikings!  Screw you, movie!  See the review here.

5. Japan is an f-ed up country: I sort of knew this already, but my opinion was cemented by a few films.  For example, Entrails of a Beautiful Woman and Entrails of a Virgin are too freaky films full of rape, depravity and monsters.  There is also the cinematic classic Attack Girls' Swim Team vs. The Undead, which features zombies killing, random lesbianism and a ridiculous spy plot thrown in.  See the reviews here and here.

6. Parody is often worse than the original: In the history of this sight, I have covered two hideous parody films.  The first is Flesh Gordon II, which makes the first film look like Lawrence Olivier's Othello!  It has a giant ape pissing off of a building, a fart galaxy and penis monsters.  Please Don't Eat My Mother is a porn-style parody of Little Shop of Horrors which features some of the worst-looking movie monsters of all time.  It also randomly cuts to people having sex for minutes on end.  Check out the reviews here and here.


7. Movies that are meant to offend, often do: Good-Bye, Uncle Tom is an infamous movie in cinematic history and for good reason- it is terrible and offensive.  The men behind the Mondo Cane series were accused of two major things: being racist and falsifying footage.  What was their answer to that charge?  Making a fake documentary to explain why black people were kept as slaves in the South.  At over two hours (136 minutes in the uncut version), this film is a real chore to watch and took me about four- because I had to keep taking breaks.  Check out the review here.


8. Don't dare yourself to review something: After the travesty of Creepshow 3, I backed myself into a corner in regards to watching a previous film by the directors.  That movie- Day of the Dead 2: Contagium- is a movie that holds a very odd place in cinematic history.  It claims to be part prequel and sequel, although neither one of those holds true.  What is it really?  A boring and stupid movie that latches on to a popular series and tries to drag it down.  Check out the review here.

9. Shared titles do not mean shared interests: When I made up the name to this page, I had no idea that there was both a movie and a Ramones album with the same title.  For my 200th post, I reviewed the movie that shared my title and boy was it bad!  The movie was clearly-staged and just pointless.  It comes across as a sad attempt to cash in on an admittedly-lacking genre.  For the review, go here.


10. Bad movies from your past usually don't get better with age: Two of the movies reviewed on this page were painful experiences that I actually went through a while before I had a page.  The first is Feeders 2, a movie I rented about three or four Christmases ago and was just painful.  It's not funny, not good and filled with more padding than Silent Night, Deadly Night 2.  The other is Blood Freak, a film that really defines my love/hate relationship with Something Weird Video.  The movie is something to behold in all of its non-glory, but it is also a dull experience when you look at it.  I like that they release these movies, but I also wish that they didn't.  For the reviews, go here and here.

That's all for my  look back at the short history of Mondo Bizarro.  I hope you enjoyed it and, more importantly, look back at my older work and see how much better my new stuff is.  Tell your friends.

Next up, a look back at the weirdest Japanese films to come across my site.  Prepare to be freaked out.  Stay tuned...

International 80's Trash: Beyond the Door III

The place- Bulgaria.  The time- 1989.  The scenario- make a movie about kids trapped on a runaway train by Satanists (don't ask).  The goal- somehow pretend that this is related to a movie about a possessed woman and a crazy one haunted by her dead husband.  Unlike the last film, little effort has been done to recover the film from the spectre of being a fake sequel to a film that wasn't all that good to begin with.  The official DVD does not have the original title- Amok Train- although the sleeve and all promotional work do.  Although, to be fair, the original Beyond the Door actually begins with an alternate title- The Devil Within Her- and only displays its real title at the end.  It's sort of like that new trend in comic book writing of putting the story's title on the very last page...only dumb and confusing.  It's not like this title saves the surprise, since it says more about the plot than the real title.  Back to this bad movie though- it stars Bo Svenson...not that you can tell due to his silly goatee and odd performance.  This is really bad, so why delay it any further?  This is...

The film begins with a group of students being taken on a trip by their teacher (Svenson).  Oh and they also credit a woman as 'The Gipsy,' which is sad.  I've lost all hope for a good movie before the movie really began!  Right away, logic is gone too as Bo appears to be a community college professor who is taking his class on a trip to a village in the middle of Bulgaria.  What kind of group signs on for this?  What kind of students would take the trip?  Every one of these students is American-looking, so it's not a Bulgarian class going out to the woods.  Just pretend that part makes sense and move on.  They go to a village via train ride and discuss the Passion Play- light conversation.  Bo explains that the Passion Play predates Christianity or some bullshit.  The group makes fun of one girl for being a virgin, causing Bo to scold them.  He gives her a little speech about virgins are honored by certain societies, which is neither creepy or foreshadowing.  They arrive in a village full of creepy men and ugly women and are told to go to bed, despite it looking like mid-afternoon at best.  While they sleep, the villagers light their huts on fire and lock the doors.  All of our heroes flee, save for one who is possessed/hypnotized and just stays there.  Um, okay.

All of our heroes flee from the village and jump onto a passing train, all but our heroine.  The lead guy jumps off to keep her company...or something and injures his ankle in the process.  Boy, was that dumb!  The group tries to get some help, but the train won't stop until a few days from now.  While they are waiting, a mysterious person wanders around in a sub-plot with little pay-off.  Out on the woods, our hero is being dragged along by the girl- role reversal, I guess- as weird people follow them for no clear reason.  Meanwhile, the group is stuck on the train because...um, why are they stuck again?  As the original title would imply, the train is 'amok' and is apparently being controlled by some evil force.  Could it be- oh, I don't know- SATAN!  For whatever reason, the thing will not stop and is not being run by anyone, as evil magic on the train killed the conductor and engineer on the earlier night.  Our heroes are apparently too scared to get off of the train at the speed it's going, so their solution is to not try and do anything.  We get some scenes of the train crashing through the woods, which make the miniature shots from Inglorious Bastards look like Star Wars by comparison.  Give me some pay-off, movie!

Eventually, our two heroes manage to get on the train, but that's because the force wants them to.  You see, they want our heroine for an evil sacrifice to Satan...not that you did not already guess that.  As the ride continues, our heroes get picked off by the evil force.  One of them is possessed to freeze while hanging on the outside of the train and gets impaled by the railway marker when they pass it.  Another one gets mauled by the tracks itself while trying to save the girl from falling.  You don't need the lower half of your body, do you?  Eventually, the bad guys stop the train and take our heroine for the sacrifice.  However, they failed to realize that the spirit of a Christian Saint appeared before the young woman and had sex with her.  No, I'm not making that up.  This causes the weird creature- looking like a small version of the demon from Conan the Destroyer- to explode & the cultists to flee.  Our heroine calmly leaves and goes to the airport.  We see this via a tracking shot through a crowd of people who all stop to stare at the camera.  Seriously, guys?!?  The ghost of the Saint appears to our heroine and then she gets on the plane.  During the night, the monster appears again and attacks our heroine through the window...only to be a dream.  You've going to end on a Big-Lipped Alligator Moment, guys?

This movie is not good for a lot of reasons.  The whole premise is just odd and makes very little sense.  The bad guys bring a group of people out to the woods when they only need one?  When the target escapes, they take control of a train...that she's not on.  Even if she was, what was the point of trying to make it crash through everything?  The acting and writing are not good here & neither are the production values for that matter.  Why cast Bo Svenson in such a role?  He's not low-key enough to be sinister or melodramatic enough to be crazy.  Bo has all the range of a piece of string, guys!  You can do much better for your choice of movies and your time.  Let's move on.

Up next, Rare Flix returns with a made-for-cable remake of Roger Corman's dark comedy classic.  Is it good?  Does it have a multitude of comedians in early, cameo roles?  Stay tuned...

Year in Review: Subspecies Quintology

Full Moon is a company that I both love and hate.  On one hand, they make decent movies on a low-budget and manage to turn enough of a profit to keep running.  On the other hand, they often make crappy films that defy explanation like The Gingerdead Man trilogy (Part 3 is in-production now) or Evil Bong 1-2.  Where does there vampire series from the early to mid-90s stand?  Find out in these reviews...

Subspecies: This movie is good, as long as you can appreciate some low-budget horror.  Filmed on location in Romania, the producers made good use of their location and their one crazy-looking vampire (Radu).  The film is not without it's flaws, mind you.  It starts out a bit slow and wastes a talent like Angus Scrimm in a cameo role as the head vampire.  It also inadvertently sets up some plot holes that would come later.  Even so, it is a good movie that any fan of unique vampire films should check out.

Subspecies II: Right from the start, this movie pulls out some blatant cheats, lazy writing and recasting.  When you get past that, you get a decent vampire film that manages to work most of the time in spite of these flaws.  Even so, it is hard to get past the beginning.  This is especially true when you do like I did and watch them both on the same night.  Either way, it is not as good as its predecessor and also suffers from a tacked-on 'To Be Continued' ending.

Subspecies III: We're back again in the second part of a group of movies filmed at the same time a la Lord of the Rings.  For the third time, Radu is back from the dead and is evil mother has some plans for our heroine.  The film is oddly juxtaposed between two plots: one dealing with the newly-vampiric heroine and other dealing with her sister trying to get her.  The film is weighed down a bit by ancillary characters, most of which are just there to die.  As a whole, it is a touch better than two though.

Subspecies IV: The movie starts off- like most of these restarts- with a big cheat and some lazy writing.  Basically, the happy and conclusive ending of Part III is crapped upon by Radu's unexplained resurrection and the death of 99% of the main cast.  If you can get past this, you get a decent movie, but one that retreads a lot of the same locations.  At this point, they have shot every angle of that castle they've been using since the first film.  They do through a new angle in with an evil half-vampire doctor, but it never ends conclusively.  They also introduce some major plot holes and a pointless sub-plot involving the police chief.  It's definitely not the best of the series.

The Vampire Journals: While not officially part of the series, this is by the same director and references events and characters that would show up in that series.  The plot is pretty simple and hampered a bit by an ineffectually-written lead character.  They also address one of the series' silly effects like its real science in a laughable scene.  If this film fits in the series, good luck finding out where.  There's no place for it, unless you stretch logic farther than super-fresh taffy!  It does have some differing story elements in it that make it stand out a bit from the other films though.

That's the series in a nutshell.  Is it consistent?  No.  Is it logical?  No.  Is it better than the admittedly-low bar of low-budget vampire movies?  For the most part, yes.  If nothing else, it is worth seeing one of the films to see Radu in action.  Damn, is he ugly!

Mario-mania: Beyond the Door II (aka Shock)

This one is a bit confusing to explain, but I'll do my best.  In 1977, Mario Bava made a film called Shock with Daria Nicolodi about a young mother who is haunted by the ghosts of the house she now lives in with her new husband.  This is actually the last feature film completed by Bava, but that was not enough for international distributors, so they retitled it Beyond the Door II.  Why?  We all know why, so I won't bother with the obvious answer.  Actually, there is one connective thread: the same actor who plays the young boy is in both films.  Not that he plays the same characters, mind you, but he's there.  Fortunately, proper cuts of the movie and good DVD distribution companies have all but erased that from history.  As for Beyond the Door III...not so much.  I'm getting ahead of myself here, so let's stay focused.  Blue Underground released a very nice DVD presentation of the film, which I'm honored to bring to you.  No burned-in subtitles or VHS transfers here.  This is...

Beyond the Door II aka Shock

The film centers around a family that has gotten through a tragedy and is ready to move on.  The woman (Daria Nicolodi) is back in her old home that was inhabited by her deceased ex-husband.  There is a less-than-subtle mystery to the story however.  You see, the woman has just gotten released from an insane asylum after the murder of the husband.  The husband (John Steiner) has been the one pushing for them to move back into the house, but his motives are not fully-known just yet.  The kid they have is a young boy that has a personality that seems to be equivalent to a Slinky going down a set of stairs.  The wife is very insistent that they should not be there, but the husband insists.  Mind you, he is an airline pilot and is constantly going off for work.  If you leave your wife in a house that drives her crazy, you just might be...a bad husband.  The weird stuff comes in many forms, the most notable of which involving the kid telling the mom that he 'has to kill her.'  A lot of this stuff is subtle, while some of it is very, very direct.  All in all, it makes for a moody atmosphere, even if nothing is exactly clear.

*

As things get worse, the kid appears to be talking to some invisible person.  Just to note: this predates Poltergeist by five years.  The kid seems to go out of his way to make some weird, magical effects to affect the family.  At one point, he causes the father's plane to nearly crash by putting a cut-out of his face on a swing and pushing it around.  Maybe you should not have bought your kid Voodoo For Dummies!  He also causes the mom to go even more over the edge before the truth finally comes out.  You see, she killed her husband because he was an abusive drug addict who forced her to do the stuff too.  After the stabbing, a life-long friend (Steiner) staged the death as an accident and had her committed to avoid prison.  His reason for moving them back into the house: to get rid of the body.  Apparently, it was dumped in the basement wall and would have been discovered upon renovation.  The woman repays him for all of this work by stabbing him to death in the same basement.  She lets loose a serious of screams that put Jamie Lee Curtis to shame.  The furniture appears to be cornering her in the basement and driving her to suicide.  A chest presses her against the wall and opens to reveal a box cutter, which she uses on her own wrists.  As she dies, the kid can be seen in the yard having tea with the invisible force.

*

This movie is actually pretty good, although it still does not make a whole lot of sense.  As part of the Beyond the Door 'series,' it is the strongest entry so far.  As a Mario Bava film, it has all of the usual touches that you expect.  Is it ever going to replace Black Sunday or Black Sabbath as the premiere Bava films?  No.  The movie offers a lot of atmosphere and does actually wrap up it's story in a fairly-logical fashion.  There's just some intangible thing missing from the film though, which I can't place.  It is a rare starring role for Daria and she does not get killed in a violent, sadistic fashion by a killer like she does in nearly all of her Argento films.  If you are going to see one film with Beyond the Door as part of its alternate titles, make it this one...even if I don't get all of it just yet.

*

Next up, we wrap up the 'series' with a 1989 film set in the Czech Republic.  Well, at least it does not star an aged Bo Svenson.  What do you mean 'he's in it?!?'  Stay tuned...

Clone Wars (The Exorcist): Beyond the Door

The Beyond The Door series is not so much a Series as whatever Films people wanted to make and sell as Sequels.  As you will learn in the coming days, there is not even the remotest of connection in themes between the films, let alone characters or plot.  As a bonus, the 'third film' was released 12 years after the second one!  We're supposed to buy this, why exactly?!?  The first film is a pretty blatant knock-off of The Exorcist.  I could say more, but...that's a pretty good summary, actually.  Let's dive right into...

The film begins in a very odd manner with a shot of a car flying off the side of a California roadway.  Damn you, Toonces!  When you will learn?!?  The shot of the car flying off freezes, however, and we get a droning narration going over it.  Our narrative jumps to that of a young woman going grocery shopping.  The film tries to set her up as 'Mother of the Year' from the get-go by having her go shopping and leaving the kids in the car.  Even in 1974, that was still a bad thing!  Oh and her kids have weird habits that are never really explained.  The boy eats nothing but pea soup (it does not pay off in the way you think), while the girl has several copies of the book 'Love Story' that she reads.  Yes, she has multiple copies of the same book...and it's that one...and she carries them all together.  The father of the kids is a music producer, which is an excuse to give us some padding shots of rehearsal.  Do they add anything?  Nope.  At a dinner party, our heroine learns that she is pregnant and her body is not taking it well.  Oh and she's several weeks ahead of schedule for no reason.  It's probably not a good pregnancy when your baby is growing up super-fast and causing you to vomit blood, is it?  Our heroine acts worried about this for a while and...that's about it for a while.  Let's skip that, shall we?

A mysterious man (Island of the Fishmen's Richard Johnson) keeps wandering around and stalking the husband.  He hears the wife talking about some guy named Dimitri and looks into it.  He was apparently an ex-boyfriend of hers (despite looking 20 years older than her) that was into the occult.  He made some sort of deal with the devil and she's now pregnant with Satan's baby.  That's right- we have merged an Exorcist-clone with a Rosemary's Baby-clone!  That is one ugly, baby!  The woman acts all freaky and talks in the devil voice, while the kids...pretty much vanish from the story.  They are shown a few times, but stop contributing for a while.  See you in the finale, kids.  

As for the man, he is supposed to deliver the child to his dark master and was placed in some sort of spiritual limbo until he did so.  Does it really ever get explained?  No, not really.  We get a whole bunch of scenes of the woman continuing to act freaky, but we never really get a priest character- just some doctor guy.  It's a bit of a letdown, but stay with me.  After some more talking and wandering, the lady/Satan gives a big speech to the doctor.  Immediately following this, we get a juxtaposition of two scenes: the car returning to its falling and the young boy riding on a ferry.  The kid unwraps a toy car and dumps it off the boat, causing the real car to do so...in the past?  The End.

This movie is not...logical.  The flow of it is so odd, spending lots of time on the build-up and just sort of hanging around.  I want to know who writes these odd movies that just sort of linger around and don't go anywhere.  How do you send that in to producers with a straight face?  Twelve pages of tedious dialogue and no direction- they'll love it.  As a horror film, it is a very '70s horror film.  If you like The Exorcist...I would stick with that movie.  It is much better than Seytan and Exorcism (sorry, Paul), but not really all that good as a real movie.  It's interesting...but not much more.  That's about all I can say about it.

Next up, the sequel which...is about a crazy person and ghosts.  Yeah, it's not even related- although it is by Mario Bava.  Stay tuned...

VHS For The Win: Maxim Xul

I love Adam West, but the time between Batman and Family Guy was not always good.  He did star in a great *unsold* pilot by Conan O'Brien though.  Of course, he also made this...

I don't know what this is...but I want to see it!  'Batman' wielding medieval weaponry- sold.

Of course, every review is negative, the movie has an IMDB rating of 2.1 and the director has only done two other films before and since- one of them being Lap Dancer.

Up next, a movie that looks and sounds like a parody of horror.  Unfortunately, it's all real.  Stay tuned...

Tainted Love: The Star of David- Hunting for Beautiful Girls

In all honesty, I struggled in my choice of what movie to review today.  I could have done the obvious thing and picked some slasher film about a crazed ex-lover or the movie Valentine.  I even considered doing a cheat and reviewing The Sinful Nuns of St. Valentine, just because of the name.  I'll stay away from Nunsploitation for just a little while longer though, because I found something far more foreign and disturbing.

  

I discovered Star of David months ago and it has set in my Queue staring at me like an impatient child.  Every time I scanned my list, I would see it and go 'oh yeah...that movie.'  Honestly, I put there solely based on the title and the fact that said title appeared to have nothing to do with anything.  

Upon finally watching the movie, it was freakier than I could have ever imagined.  Oh and the title definitely has almost nothing to do with anything.  This is...

The film begins with a robber threatening a tied up couple for their money.  When the woman tries to call the Police, he decides to have his way with her.  The husband is forced to watch all of this, even when the woman stops struggling so much.  Incidentally, it here that you learn that the movie is not going to be fully-explicit, due to Japanese social standards.  It's still really dirty- you just don't see all of the moving parts.  

Anyhow, the man turns crazy after this, indulging in bouts of abusing her, since he figured that she liked what she got from the robber.  This is still five minutes in, mind you.  

We skip ahead to see a young man that was born from this union as an adult.  He is now rich, since his dad left all of his money to him upon his death at sea- more on that part later.  He has a lovely, female friend that he has known since childhood, but memories of his past haunt him.

What kind of memories, you ask?  Well, it could either be watching his dad screw another woman while his mother was tied up (he was about 8 when he saw this, mind you) or finding his mother after she committed ritual suicide.  Really, you can just take your pick.  

As a rich, crazy adult, his first act is to find the woman his dad had the affair with and drug her.  This can't end well, can it?

Basically, the guy takes her to his basement/dungeon (who doesn't have one of those?) and has his way with her.  As a creepy bonus, this was his 'first time.'  If you ever dare watch this movie, play this little game- Which Part of This is Worst?- to help pass the time.  

He holds a fancy dinner party, but excuses himself to kill her and then have her one last time.  The order of these two things is very important, mind you!  He dumps the body, but nobody suspects him due to his alibi.  Some time later, he sees a young woman give her prize-winning speech on TV about how Man is inherently good.  This offends our insane lead, who promptly- you guessed it- kidnaps her and molests her.  Unlike the last woman, his aim is to beat and humiliate her.  

Oddly enough, he keeps her around until she breaks and falls for him.  After this, of course, he leaves her in the middle of nowhere to be found, but alive this time.  The title of the film comes into play when we see the man attending a lecture on the Nazis and hearing about how they branded the Jews.  He promptly goes home and 'manipulates himself' to pictures of the Holocaust!!!  

No, I'm not freaking kidding you!  In an odd sub-plot, we find that the original robber/his Dad is wandering around Tokyo still.  He goes to track down the young man, figuring him to be his son.  Oh and we learn that he killed his 'Dad' on the boat- not that it's really a surprise.

The next subject of his aggression is a Japanese pop star, who he promptly kidnaps- taking her lady assistant along for the trip.  This part gets really odd as he abuses both of them, but does so less to the assistant and somehow turns her to his side.  This lasts a few scenes before the seemingly-broken pop star clonks him on the head with a stool and the other woman flees with her.  

Both are caught, however, and the latter is by his dad.  They do unspeakable things to both of them- even for this movie- and kill the assistant.  The star, however, is let loose to do a strip tease on a building's rooftop before our hero shoots her with a sniper rifle JFK-style.  

Once that is done, he finally turns his attention to his long-time friend.  In a matter of moments, he ties her up and abuses her too, all as his father watches from a cage.  He lets Dad loose to molest her for a while until he randomly decides to kill him.  The woman- in spite of everything- confesses her love for our hero and they 'make whoopee.'  

In the morning, he finds her gone and with a letter behind.  Apparently, she loves him, but can't stay with him due to a long-time affair with her own father!  

He promptly discovers her dead body in his den and cries.  We get some weird dream sequence crap to end all of this as our hero/villain is now alone.  I'm supposed to be sad now?

Oh dear God, this movie is freaking nuts!  With all the talk in recent years of movies like Hostel being 'torture porn,' you really have to look back at films like this.  This movie was made in 1979 by Norifumi Suzuki, the man behind such freaky films as School of the Holy Beast (Japanese Nun-sploitation) and Tokugawa Sex Ban: Lustful Lord.  

In hindsight, I should not have been surprised by the content.  The pacing is very odd here too, as some torture scenes last for five minutes on & the final scene with our hero and his lady runs at least five minutes as well.  

If you dare see this movie, I suggest a liberal use of Fast-Forward!  This movie is rife with bizarre fetish material as well, including bondage, humiliation, etc.  It says a lot about a movie when I can't even show the poster to it because even that has nudity on it!  The Japanese thing about not showing explicit sex is still weird to me, as they have a whole genre related to movies like this- Pinku Cinema.  Anyone who has read my review of The Glamorous Life of Sachiko Hanai can tell you how weird these movies can get.  Most of the serious stuff is covered by creative blocking and camera angles, although they gave up in the end and just blurred one shot.  

If you are easily offended, don't see this movie.  Duh, right?!?  It is designed to do just that.  In fact, if you are sane, don't see this movie.  It is gross, trippy and just insane.  Don't let my sacrifice be in vain!

Next up, I tackle a trio of horror films in a series even less related than the Xtro trilogy.  First in line, the original film and a classic rip-off of The Exorcist.  Stay tuned...

Blockbuster Trash: Hollow Man 2

You just had to know that I would dip into the pool of these direct-to-video sequels, didn't you?  I'm just a masochist in that way.  

This one is a rare example (not a Case) of these movies actually putting out an actual sequel though.  

As anyone who has seen 8MM 2, The Net 2.0 or Wargames 2 can tell you, most of these movies are a lie.  

They are either 'remake-quels' (The Net, Wargames) or something completely unrelated.  Mind you, this film is only a sequel in the sense that they reference the invisibility formula already existing and having already been used to disastrous results.  

There is no Kevin Bacon or Elisabeth Shue here- sorry.  

Instead, you get the guy from Fastlane, some lady I've never heard of and two scenes with the guy from My Own Worst Enemy.  

This is actually one of the major issues- a lack of star.  You see, they find a sneaky way to get around showing their highest-paid actor on screen for more than a few minutes in the film.  

Curious now?  

Find out the full-story in my review of...

The film begins with a posh party for a rich biological development company.  All is well until a crude engineer shows his face.  Damn you, Dilbert!  

He starts being knocked around by an unseen force and goes into the bathroom.  A voice begins to speak to him and asks for the buffer.  

What's the buffer?  You'll find out later.  

He explains that he can't get it, which the voice/person does not take well.  One beating and Batman-style window-hanging later, the invisible man seems satisfied.  He leaves the engineer in peace, but only on the promise that he not tell anyone that he was there.  

About 20 seconds later, the guys picks up his phone like a true dumb ass.  The invisible man smashes his phone and, in a bit of insanity, slashes the man throat with the hardware chip from his phone!  

What- was his neck made out of tissue paper?!?  

The police arrive in the form of two cops...and that's it.  A murder occurs in a building full of people and you just send them?  Okay then.  

They speculate about how it took place with no witnesses, but that is interrupted by the military showing up to take precedence.  

Back in the base, the duo complains but are put on guard duty for a young woman.  This is sure to be unrelated...

The movie spends a while just sort of hanging out.  The sister to our heroine shows up, talks and leaves.  

The police talk about random shit- including the male partner's tan- which goes nowhere.  

We even get a sub-plot involving a young couple trying to film a night-vision sex tape.  Does it lead anywhere?  Other than a brief hint of nudity and a bit showing the invisible man run by...for some reason, no.  

Finally, he sneaks into the house, tries to get to the woman and kills the partner.  As a bonus, it happens- you guessed it- off-screen.  The invisible man knocks around our heroes, but the military shows up!  

The invisible man, however, gets away by throwing a bunch of flash bangs.  Um, where did he store those?  Please don't say 'up his ass,' because that is what I'm thinking!  

Rather than stay surrounded by the armed men, our heroes run off into a city full of innocent people.  What's the first part in 'protect & serve' again?  

Eventually, heroes escape in an anti-climactic fashion by crossing the road & allowing a random guy to hit our villain.  

Back at the police station, our hero suspects that something is going on that he doesn't know.  Was the invisible killer your first clue?

Finally, in a plot dump, the woman explains everything.  

In his first appearance a mere forty-five minutes in, a shirtless Christian Slater is given the invisibility serum.  He transforms in a scene that mirrors the first one and disappears.  

See you in the finale, Christian!  

Basically, the government is trying to bring the program back to make assassins for political targets.  However, since the stuff makes the people crazy, they don't want them to live long and don't give them the 'buffer' that will allow them to live for more than a month.  

Naturally, this does not sit well with Mr. Slater, who kills one of them with a pen through the eye.  They hint at his previous bad actions, but never explain them, making this whole sub-plot: entirely pointless.  

As the movie nears its climax, we also meet another surviving invisible man...although we can see him.  He explains a bit of plot and dies- moving on...  

In the big finale, our lone detective is forced to use the invisibility potion to stop Slater.  Of course, we get a bit where he is somehow dragging the lady scientist through the air in the movie's silliest effect!  

The battle between invisible men is set-up and...very disappointing.  It lasts a few minutes before we learn that the woman injected Slater with rat poison, instead of the buffer, and he turns...visible.  

Huh?  Who cares?  

Slater gets an off-camera shovel death and our detective is left looking on as a wanderer.  The End.

This movie is, well, not good.  The whole thing is built around silly effects and lots of voice-overs of Slater.  

The man busts out his best Batman voice for the role, making me wonder how much him was really in this.  What we are left with the interaction between the cop and the lady scientist which...falls flat.  

Neither one of them is really bad, but they have zero chemistry.  The invisibility effects are very low-budget and mostly look like people just tossing themselves around a lot.  

Considering that they could barely afford to get Slater- who gets third billing, by the way- I am not surprised at the Asylum-level effects here.  

You get some interesting make-up work for the dying Slater, but that's about it.  There is some good action to be had here, but most of it just sullies the franchise's name.  Oh wait, this is Hollow Man 2.  

The first film has three good scenes and its most interesting scene- the trailer scene with him assaulting Shue- was a dream.  

Never mind then.

Up next, a film that is the antithesis of what Valentine's Day stands for.  I suffered a lot for this, so you will too...dammit.  Stay tuned...

Impossibly-Cool Cover Art: Reptilian

If you recall my segment about The Asylum's covers, you will recall my covering of the American poster.  However, there is a foreign one too...

Damn!  All I can say is damn!  How can anyone look at this poster and not say 'I want to see that right now?!?!?

On a serious note: how can you not love the placement of the skyscraper?  I mean, the poster is implying that the monster will have genitalia with that angle and coverage!

Up next, a movie poster promises so much and has yet to deliver anything- literally.  Stay tuned...

House of Death: Pulse (1988)

After covering Pulse II and showing my intentions to review Pulse III...later, many of you are probably expecting this to be related.  It's not.  Instead, this movie predates the American films and Kairo, the original Korean film.  This is not a case of people stealing ideas, however, just titles.  For argument's sake, I will also mention that there many other films, including a Pink Floyd concert DVD, a 2003 film (aka Octane), a 2006 films (aka Incubus), two short films (one is French) and three different tv series.'  Is that thorough enough for you?  So what is this film about, you ask?  Killer household appliances.  There's a little more to it than that, but not much.  The whole idea is just odd & is one of those plots that you could only get away with in the 1980s.  A film in which aliens come to Earth, cut their hair and turn into future comedic stars?  Why not?!?  Let's check this thing out, shall we?  This is...

Pulse (1988)

The film begins by showing us a dimly-lit house where a husband goes crazy and dies.  All of the people in the cul de sac show up to see the chaos, but nobody finds out anything.  We cut to a young kid (Blossom's Joey Lawrence) showing up in town to meet his dad.  You see, his parents are divorced and living in different states.  He is not too happy with being away from his normal home and wishes that his parents would get back together.  On top of that, the dad is working all the time and not spending time with him.  Good job bringing your kid home to...not see you.  The only bright spot is a kid he runs into which is played by his younger brother.  Note to filmmakers: casting brothers as unrelated characters never works!  The next night, the dad and new wife go to a charity gala and invite the kid, but he would rather stay at home and watch a baseball game.  Hey kid, do you not get what the word 'irony' means?!?  While there, some weird electricity crackles through some miniatures that are supposed to be the house's breakers.  If you like scenes of circuit boards slowly melting, this is your movie!  Weird shit goes down, but manages to stop when the adults get home.  This pushes the kid to look into the story of the other home, while the grass around the house turns brown.  You guys don't notice that at all?!?

*

The kid breaks into the empty house and discovers that it is full of wet carpeting and broken furniture.  Oh yeah, some freaky old man drops from the ceiling and scares him.  He tells a story about how evil electrical pulses have been causing incidents like this in the past and warns him to leave.  Evil electricity?  That's the best you've got?!?  The kid warns the adults, but they don't buy anything.  Never mind that your appliances are freaking out and bizarre patterns are burning themselves into tapes in your VCR.  They even fail to figure it out when the kids in nearly killed in the garage when the door breaks and a pipe literally splits in half!  Oh and the kid crashes his way through the garage door to escape this Final Destination-style murder attempt.  They finally figure things out when the wife gets trapped in the shower with super-hot, scalding water running.  If only she could have broken the cheap Plexiglas!  The son and dad stay in a neighbor's house, but the dad goes back in to get revenge...or something.  When your whole movie could be ended by people simply moving, you have to be tricky like that.  A whole bunch of crap happens, including pipes bursting and the like.  The kid goes in to help him...because that's a good idea.  They nearly escape together, but the dad dropped his keys while crawling away.  One axe hole later, they escape and the house burns down.  They leave, but, in a closing bit, the evil electricity strikes again...until a kid unplugs his night light.  Way to punk out your own story, film.

*

This movie is not bad, but it's not that great either.  There are some neat miniature shots and the adult acting is alright.  The bits with the Lawrence brothers...not so much.  I can't be too harsh on kid actors in most cases, but this film relies on him to be the common sense character.  The effects are not bad, although there are very little of them.  Most of it involves setting up Goldbergian deathtraps out of household items.  In terms of being a Poltergeist-rip off, it could have turned out a lot worse.  Of course, I would be even nicer to it if I had realized that I could have just watched it via Hulu instead of actually renting.  It's a decent film and a better bearer of the Pulse name than Pulse II: Afterlife.

*

Up next, a direct-to-video sequel to a sub-par Kevin Bacon film.  I know- there are so many of them.  Stay tuned...

Great Moments in Race Relations: Day of the Dead(2008)

This one is not a major one, but it is mentioned because- like the teaser said- it is so inexplicable and random.  It also comes to us from a movie that, by all rights, should not exist.

In the remake of Day of the Dead (not the fake sequel/prequel from 2005), our heroes are trapped in a room that is surrounded by zombies.  One of them creates a make-shift weapon out of a broom stick and a blade.  He hands it to one of the soldiers, who just happens to be played by Drumline's Nick Cannon.  When he does so, the soldier gives him crap about it accusing the man of being racist for handing the black man a spear!

No, I'm not kidding.  Check out a video review of the film- including this scene- here. 

Next up, a series of updates looking at how Hollywood likes to turn everyone white.  Stay tuned...

Witchcrap: Lucifera

This little movie is a DVD release that came last year without a lot of hype to it.  In all fairness though, why should it have any?  To save you a little time, I will tell you that this is a bad movie.  Not only that, but it has a crappy VHS transfer.  Mind you, not quite as bad as The Strange Case of the End of Civilization or The Dragon Lives Again, but still bad.  The whole premise for the film is ridiculous and anti-climactic.  Not only that, but it features Satan in a cameo role.  Wait until you see who they got to play him too.  There's really nothing good here...but there is some weird crap, which is why I'm reviewing it.  This is...

Lucifera: Demon Lover

The story begins in an extremely-abrupt manner with a trio of women ending a tour of a castle.  The tour guide thanks them and tells them that the place is now closed.  Instead of leaving, however, our lead heroine asks if they can stay the night.  Faster than you can say 'Hell no, bitch,' the man agrees.  Why?  They have dinner and ask about the empty chair at the head of the table.  Their host explains that it belongs to the owner: Satan!  The girls explain that they went to this castle to see old Scratch and were disappointed.  After a few minutes of joking, a bit of thunder instantly instills terror in our heroines.  Random character change for no good reason- why not?!?  After a bit of conversation, our lead heroine wanders around and finds a painting of a woman being burned at the stake.  Well, art should be designed to inspire interest!  This inspires our heroine to have a dream- setting up the rest of the movie.  That's right- everything you see from hereon out will be a dream.  I hope they did not want any drama or anything!

Our narrative jumps to the past and a small, colonial town of puritans.  Obviously, that is not going to last based on the movie's title.  The three women are living in this era and the lead girl is set to be married.  However, she has doubts and begins to dabble in the occult.  The big problem with this movie is that it is too sharply-divided between freaky stuff and dull crap.  I get the idea of juxtaposing this stuff, but it is simply not done well here.  After a lot of talk and nothing of note, our heroine's friends are attacked by lady vampires.  That...came out of nowhere, guys!  We also get a recurring plot point with a man in a red mask spying on our heroine.  Does it ever really make sense?  No, not really.  Oh yeah, Satan shows up in the form of Edmund Purdom to...stand around and laugh.  Seriously, that's about all he does- besides humping our heroine that is.  Eventually, our heroine submits to the power of evil, kills her husband-to-be and makes it with Satan.  The town figures out what is up and burns her at the stake.  In the morning, we return to modern times (read: 1971) and our heroines leave the castle, as Satan Purdom looks on.  The End.

Yeah, this movie is not good.  It is a stupid movie that all takes place in a dream.  It could be about Godzilla battling Jesus with the fate of 1,000 hot lesbians in mech-suits on the line and I would not care!  You thought you were being clever, didn't you guys?  Which is worse- making a pointless movie or having your best actor (Purdom) stand around and do jack shit.  The film is apparently a cult movie that got attention way back in the day thanks to some salacious stills of it ending up in a film magazine.  After all of this time, we realize that this movie has barely any of that.  The interesting parts are so few and far between that I am left comparing this movie to William Shatner's opus Incubus.  The whole experience is just dull and pointless.  Let's move on, shall we?

Next up, a film that shares the same name with both a Korean horror film and its American counterpart.  Does it have anything to do with them?  Not unless they were about killer home appliances.  Stay tuned...

Buy The DVD!: Jesus Franco's Count Dracula

Franco's version of the Count's tale is notable for a couple of reasons.  First, it is one of the most accurate representations of the books.  Two, it is one of the few films to use the actual description of Dracula for their main character.  Third, it is a non-Hammer film to feature Christopher Lee playing the role.  Oh yeah, it also bombed horribly.

What you're asking though is 'why is he mentioning this movie?'  Well, for one unique extra on the DVD...

Christopher Lee reading Bram Stoker's Dracula!

That's right- an audio recording of the world's most famous living Dracula reading Dracula.  What's not to love?

*Warning- your opinion of the movie itself may vary from your opinion of this awesome extra.*

Up next, another Franco film notable for a segment that actually explains a lot.  The movie...not so much.  Stay tuned...

Year in Review: Xtro Trilogy

I have a shaky relationship with the Brits at best, given films such as Psychomania and Zeta One.  At the same time, however, they have given us such great shows/experiments such as Garth Merengi's Dark Place and Look Around You.  This film series is the first of many that I really took the time to track down and watch for the site, having never heard of it before.  It was quite interesting, to say the least!

Xtro: This film is really, really weird.  In theory, it is about a man who comes back as an alien and turns his kid into one.  What we actually get though is a scene where an adult man is birthed from a pregnant man, a kid that turns his toy soldier into a weapon and a pointless scene of a black panther.  The ending(s) of the movie all make no sense, no matter which one you pick.  The DVD comes with an interview with the director who blames the studio for problems with this film, the star with problems in II and himself for III.  Good stuff.


Xtro II: What a weird jump!  This in-name-only sequel is a rip-off of Aliens & features Jan-Michael Vincent and that evil guy from The X-Files (Nicholas Lea).  It all involves a group of scientists who send people into another dimension, only for them to die.  Their only solution: get the only guy to survive the last bad attempt at this.  This movie is pure, schlocky fun.  The alien is silly, the plot is stupid and you can practically see the cue cards the Jan-Michael is reading off of.  If you like movies that are so bad that they are funny, check this ugly little gem out.


Xtro III- Watch The Skies: This movie is pretty weird as well and comes completely out of left field.  After the last two films, were you expecting an alien revenge tale built around UFO-mythology.  The plot is nothing that interesting, but the effects are.  You get numerous effects-revealing shots (including a bit that reveals an alien head to be bust with air hoses in it) and silly Predator-style effects.  It's not as notable as the other films though and will not shock or offend you as much.  It is a weak entry in the series, but not without its merits- ironic as they may be.

In closing, this 'series' is really quirky.  The only relation: aliens.  Not even the same kind of aliens, mind you, as one of them involves aliens from another dimension.  The jump from evil aliens in Britain to dimension-hopping aliens to UFO conspiracies is extremely jarring.  Even so, you can have a good time with them- especially Xtro II's ludicrous nature.  These are dark horse films, but worthy of attention by those with a quirky sense of humor and sensibility.

Up next, a look back at a group of films about ugly vampires, re-used sets and dramatic cast upheaval.  Stay tuned...

Three Witches: Warlock 3

Let's close up this witching chapter of Mondo Bizarro with a look at the third and final film in the series.  Mind you, I call it a series very, very loosely.  Considering that the first film is about a time-traveling magician, the second film is about the Son of Satan and this film is about this guy trying to kill the descendant of a witch.  Sadly, this film is bereft of Julian Sands, although they do have a decent fill-in.  New to the role- and only doing it once- is Bruce Payne, a man most people would recognize as either Damodar from Dungeons & Dragons or Kell from Highlander: Endgame.  He is a classically-trained theater actor from England, but he does stuff like this?  That would be sad if it wasn't so common.  The other thing notable about this movie is what else was lost or changed.  For starters, a different company owns the rights to this movie.  I guess it's a Terminator situation, huh?  Secondly, the movie took six years to get made and was not released theatrically.  Anyone still optimistic?  Anyhow, let's close this book with...

Warlock 3: The End of Innocence

The movie begins with a flashback to the 16th Century involving a woman running around in the woods and being chased by a warlock.  Guys, you are giving me flashbacks to both Troll 2 and Leprechaun 2.  Is this what you want to inspire?!?  In the present, we are introduced to our heroine who is extremely-generic.  I try to find something interesting in actors, but damn is she dull!  Her friends, however, spend their first scene engaging in some handcuffed lap-dancing.  I think we have officially reached 'the end of innocence' now!  The plot of the film involves our heroine wanting to go to an old family estate to get some heirlooms before reconstruction work is done.  That means leaving on the weekend before mid-terms to get the stuff.  In a rare bit of story logic, the friends put work over play and refuse to go.  That's creative!  I wonder where they're going to go with this.  Before our hero gets there, a man is killed by a force in the window.  Who is he?  Nobody.  Why is this important?  It's not.  Our heroine's first night is filled with all of the cliches- creaking boards, thunderstorm and freaky mirror spirits.  What?  You don't see those every night?  All of this builds up to...the friends showing up.  Thanks for nothing, plot thread.

*

Around this time, the fifth wheel of the group- the one without a lady- opens up a rusty pipe and lets loose the warlock.  I guess he was hanging out with his buddies from Dark Water.  Since he is a stoner,- why not- he ignores this reveal.  An art historian shows up to warn our heroine about the whole family curse involving the warlock.  Speaking of which, a mysterious man shows up and talks in a British accent.  Witch!  Of course, only our secondary heroine figures out that something is awry.  Since she is a Wiccan (not a Druid!) with a magical necklace, she is immune to his powers.  Unfortunately, the fifth wheel is not and gets manipulated into helping our villain.  How?  He is in love with our heroine, so he plays along.  Oh and we get another BDSM scene with the couple- thanks, movie.  When our Wiccan finally confronts the Warlock, she learns that a lock of her hair was stolen by the stoner guy, as well as her necklace.  He turns her into glass and shatters her.  He uses his powers to capture everyone else.  He tortures and abuses them until they 'give her up' (a nod to the stone retrieval in Part 2, maybe).  The BDSM couple get tortured Hellraiser-style until they concede.  The big sacrifice goes pretty well until our heroine moves slightly out of the way and fights back.  A big fight ensues & the pompous warlock goes down thanks to a knife hidden in a doll.  Hey, don't look at me- I didn't write it!  The End.

*

This movie is really not that good.  It has some good magical effects in it, but they are nothing compared to Part 2.  Payne does a good job, but I can't help but miss Sands here.  You guys could have just called this The End of Innocence, you know, and saved yourself this problem.  The plot is just not up to par for what you would expect with this series.  The first two films involve a warlock trying to end all of existence or bring Hell to Earth.  This one- he just wants power.  If you can turn people to glass, you should learn to just accept what you have!  If I could turn people into glass, well, I would not bother with a silly website about movies.  The film is about what you expect with direct-to-video films from this era and nothing more.  You could have done so much more, guys!  Oh well.

*

Next up, a bad movie about witches with an even worse transfer.  Can I complain about a film transfer when the movie is also this bad?  Yes, yes I can.  Stay tuned...

Three Witches: Warlock 2

We're back with the second film ins the series and with a brand new director.  This time, it is Anthony Hickox, the man behind the Waxwork films and Sundown: The Vampire in Retreat.  What this should tell you is that the movie will be weird, bloody and full of odd special effects.  In that regard, the movie truly delivers.  What I should note is that this an in-name only sequel to the movie and ignores everything else.  Even the origin of our villain has been tweaked a little.  Even so, it has Julian Sands in it, so it will never be all bad.  Can this movie deliver the kind of visceral experience that the original promised?  Find out in my review of...

Warlock: The Armageddon

The film begins in the past with some Druids.  Oh no, they're back to make sub-par historical epics!  Actually, a group of them is attacked as they seek to do a ceremony involving some magical stones.  Most of them are killed, but a few get away with some of the stones.  We jump to the present where a woman is getting ready for a night out on the town.  Unfortunately, a mysterious force attacks her and impregnates her!  In a matter of moments, a gross creature pops out of her circa Xtro.  That creature: Julian Sands.  If there ever was a case for late term abortions, this would be it.  Her date shows up and it is...Zach Galligan.  He is killed off-screen for his all-black ensemble.  Thanks for visiting, Zach.  I'll see you again in...well, nothing really.  I kid, I kid.  Anyhow, we meet our hero and heroine, a young couple who are not meant to be.  The father of the girl is against them seeing each other, saying that it has something to do with his family.  At the same time, the son complains about his family being different.  Um, what's the big secret, guys?  Maybe the dad will explain it when he meets the couple out in the field.  Oh, he actually just shoots the kid with a shotgun.  Holy coming out of left field, Batman!

*

Finally, we all get some explanation.  The family, you see, is the descendants of the Druids from the beginning.  The other dad is the local priest of a congregation who thinks that Druids are Satanists.  No, you're thinking of the Seventh Day Adventists.  Seriously though, the young man is a Druid Warrior (multi-classing?!?) who is destined to stop the Son of Satan (Sands) from opening up a portal to Hell with the magical stones.  Our villain has six days to collect the stones and do the ceremony during the lunar eclipse or be forced to wait another long time to do it.  Hundreds of years in Hell with a disappointed Satan- not fun.  He goes about his task of retrieving the stones while our hero has to prepare.  His preparation involves learning to use his Druid powers, which look oddly like the Force.  Keep an eye out for some CG object effects which do not exactly hold up to well.  During that, Sands is wreaking some serious havoc.  The catch to retrieving the objects is that they must be given to him.   Of course, knowing this guy, he will not play fair!

*

The bits with the evil warlock killing people are by far the best parts of the movie.  One woman agrees to give him the stone if he demonstrates some magic.  He does this by flying into the air...and dropping her.  Another man is trapped in a mirror dimension by Sands and given the option of handing over the fake stone in exchange for his release.  Yeah, he picks wrong.  Of course, his best moment is still grabbing a midget fortune teller- no, not Zelda- and slamming her into an iron maiden.  Guys, lock the medieval torture device next time!  The most freaky retrieval involves Sands tricking an art dealer into giving the stone over in exchange for the best piece of his life.  When he gets the stone, he turns the man into an object de art!  The big, bloody finale involves our hero manipulating the elements of earth to try and stop the warlock.  He fails initially when he is launched out of a building and onto a pipe.  Things take a turn for the better when our heroine uses her new-found Druid powers- without all the training, mind you- to battle Sands as well.  They are both immobilized, however, and the Warlock begins the ritual.  Using their combined powers, our heroes stop the ceremony by turning on some truck's headlights (don't ask), which makes Sands really mad.  One magically-propelled knife later though, he dies a bloody death.  Picture the melting death of Radu, basically.  One sequel-bait ending and this is over.

*

This movie- in spite of its flaws- is clearly the movie that Warlock should have been.  Hickox' influence is clear, with all of the blood and crazy effects.  Not all of the hold up- anything CG, pretty much- but it is all fun.  If you love crazy blood effects, this is definitely the movie for you!  Sands delivers another great performance here and really relishes the role.  He has a neat mix of disinterest and anger that is much harder to pull off than you might think.  The supporting actors do a solid job, although the older Druids really steal the show.  The main actors are passable, but never really get the star-making role out of it that they may have hoped for.  Although, fun fact- the girl (Paula Marshall) would also star in Full Eclipse and become a staple of TV show guest-starring.  The guy, however, has not worked since the direct-to-video sequel to The Brave Little Toaster...in 1998.  If you are going to see one Warlock movie, make it this one.  You don't really need to see the others for this to work either.

*

Up next, the conclusion to the Warlock trilogy.  Was it worth the six years it took to get made?  All signs point to 'no.'