Mondo Anniversaries: 30 Years!

We're getting into movies that were still made before I was born, albeit closer than any ones so far. So what kind of movies did 1979 bring us?

Alien: It's sort of sad to mention this anniversary with the recent passing of writer Dan O'Bannon, but this movie still a notable achievement. It showed just what you could do with the right director, camera-work and props. A classic through and through.

The Muppet Movie: Another sad one to celebrate since Jim Henson as been dead, although his death was quite a while ago. How many people would have thought that the Muppets could work on the big screen? It really takes a creative guy to make this work and work so well.

Caligula: Ah, this hallmark of indecency, sneaky production work and chacenery is celebrating 30 years as a film. I'm sure that Helen Mirren and Peter O'Toole are proud to have this on their resume, considering the additional footage added by the man behind Hustler. Interesting stuff.

Meatballs: While not quite as much of a classic as some other 1979 films, this one is notable for having Bill Murray in it and spawning three sequels...with other people in them.

Phantasm: How many of you are surprised to read how old this movie is? I, for one, think of the films as 80s classics, but forget that the first is technically a '70s movie. In spite of this, the movie is remembered quite well. How many new horror series' do you think we will say the same thing about in 20+ years?

Star Trek- The Motion Picture: The mission- to boldly disappoint filmgoers everywhere. Instead of taking five years, this only took two hours of long, expansive space shots and a so-so plot to achieve. It did, however, take three years to return fans faith to the series with 1982's The Wrath of Khan.

Other notable films include Apocalypse Now, Dracula (with Frank Langella), Murder by Decree (an all-star Sherlock Holmes movie), The Life of Brian, Mad Max, HAIR, Escape from Alcatraz, Hercules in New York, The Black Hole, 10, The Amityville Horror and All That Jazz.

I also want to give a special shout-out to 1979's presentation of two long-forgotten sequels: More American Graffiti and Beyond the Poseidon Adventure. Can't we ever get beyond The Poseidon Adventure!

Next up in the series, the films from George Orwell's favorite year: 1984. Will this list be the cream of the crop or just crap? Stay tuned...

Impossibly-Cool Cover Art: Manhunter

As the teaser stated, this movie needs no help in being cool. However, the Greek poster just ups the ante for the film...
Damn, that films looks good! I can't wait to see that bad-ass hero shoot that guy. Mind you, the movie is about an analyst hunting down a guy and doing very little action, but still!

Next up, the Japanese make a Sci-Fi Channel Picture look like the coolest movie ever! Stay tuned...

Yuletide Crap: Christmas Evil

I hate being tricked by a movie, I really do. Today's film is an example of a movie promising me oh so much and giving me a giant, steaming pile of coal. Mind you, the Christmas Slasher Film is not exactly the highest caliber of genre out there. Even so, this one is an extreme let-down when compared to other films in the genre. At the very least, you expect some good Santa killer action. In that regard, it is a bore. The story has some interesting points to it, but good luck lasting long enough to see them. Your opinion may be different, but that's why it's not your site. This is...

Christmas Evil

The movie begins with a young man (Harry) stumbling upon a strange sight- his mother having sex with Santa Claus. He's smart enough to figure out that it is really his dad, which saddens him. I do have to ask why the dad was dressed like that, since he clearly did not plan on his kid seeing him. Did he just do it to be kinky with the wife or is this just lazy screenwriting? The movie then jumps ahead about forty years to cover a middle-aged Harry. You know, if you don't want to be confused with a slasher film, maybe you should not steal plot devices from Pieces. The man works a pretty thankless job in a factory and is in love with Christmas. You might be wondering why after his traumatic experience. That's a good question. His obsession goes to the point that he makes his own Naughty and Nice Lists. His cheery and care-free attitude makes him the joke of everyone at work. So far, this movie has some promise- let's see how long that lasts.

*

The straw that breaks the camel's back comes when Harry agrees to work on Christmas Eve as a favor for one of the men. He's higher up on the pecking order than him, but agrees all the same. That night, he sees the man at a bar and hears him brag about tricking the idiot. Ruh roh- this means war! This inspires Harry to...dress up like Santa Claus and wander around town. Yeah, that will show him....something. He ends up at a Christmas party and does nothing of interest. He hangs around people and gives presents to kids. Eventually, he ends up breaking into the man's house and starts cutting his throat, but loses his nerve when the wife in bed wakes up. Later that night, there is a line-up made for the woman, which features numerous men in the Santa get-up. I guess that it's supposed to be funny, but I sure as hell don't get it. As he is walking down the street, Harry is besieged by a group of happy people. They don't really do anything to offend or insult him that much, which makes the next part really odd. All of a sudden, he pulls out his axe and randomly kills two people. This happens in the blink of an eye and he flees in his van just as quickly. Was that the murder equivalent of a 'Big-Lipped Alligator Moment?'

*

Unfortunately, the movie is not done yet. Harry finds brief solace in an alleyway where he meets a child. The kid hides him from his parents due to Harry's outfit, but he flees when a mob shows up. I guess that was supposed to be ironic, huh? Throughout the film, they have given us brief snippets of Harry's brother, who is a nice, normal man with a family. Fleeing the mob, Harry shows up at his brother's house, which is about as awkward as it sounds. He has to decide whether or not to turn him in or let him go. This all ends with Harry riding off in his van- which has a sled painted on it- and driving off of a bridge. However, it appears to be flying....for some reason. The End?

*

I may bet some backlash for this, but I did not like this movie. I was expecting a slasher film, but I can deal with this if the movie is still good. I don't mind comedies that turn dramatic (i.e. The Invention of Lying, Ghost Town) if the writing is still good. I could point out that this movie draws some strong parallels between itself and Silent Night, Deadly Night. In that regard, it utterly disappoints in most regards. I will say my piece about Night soon enough, but I will say that it knows what it wants to be. This film is trying to be serious, ironic and bizarre at the same time. Pick one and stick with it! Every reviewer I have seen- I do check- says that I need to see the movie twice to really appreciate it. No offense, but I really don't want to. Why does subjecting myself to something so much until my defenses wear down sound like a good idea? This is not the worst Christmas film that I am going to cover this week- by far- but it is just the most inconsistent.

*

Up next, a pair of horrible films that make you want to avoid video stores like the plague. One of them is by the director of Satan's Cannibal Holocaust, which should tell you something. Stay tuned...

Forgotten Toons: 'Future Holmes' (Part 2)

After the failed attempt at a series launch via Bravestarr, we have a real show starring Holmes...in the future! This is...

Sherlock Holmes in the 22nd Century

In the story, someone resembling Professor Moriarty is scene committing a crime. Faster than you can say 'this reminds me of Demolition Man,' the preserved body of Sherlock Holmes is 'youthened' via some techno-babble. He is joined in his adventures by the female descendant of Police Inspector Lestrade & a robot that takes on the look and mannerisms of Watson. I guess we can believe one of them being dragged into the future, but not both!

The show was a mix of rehashes of old Holmes stories (albeit with future tech) and completely new ones. In another curious idea, the main villains- Moriarty and Fenwick- only appear in about half of the episodes. If you are going to build a show around them, use them more! It's not like Batman: The Animated Series, which featured at least a dozen villains, plus side stories with normal criminals as well.

The series was the brainchild of some Scottish TV producer, which may explain a lot. Those guys are just weird. Seriously though, how many shows can you think of that are a co-production of an American company (DiC) and Scottish television?!?

The show actually ran for two years, which is quite a longer time than most of the shows featured in this segment. Good on ya!

Let's keep the time-jumping theme and cover a little gem from Cartoon Network that was just too silly to work. It takes a Squad, as they say. Stay tuned...

Sherlock Who?: The Strange Case of the End of Civilization...

It is very rare that I cover movie comedies here, so that should tell you something. Some might say that this is a flimsy pretense to talk about a Sherlock Holmes film during all the build-up to the new film. That's just silly. By the way, stay tuned for Part 2 of my 'Future Holmes' segment in Forgotten Toons. Anyhow, this film is notable because it stars John Cleese, does not have a *good* DVD release (VHS Master all the way!) and is funny as hell. Considering that it stars one of the men behind Monty Python and is about the world's most famous detective (suck it, Monk!), you would think that this movie would be a bigger deal. On the plus side, it is obscure enough for me to seem important for reviewing it. Hurray for that, I guess. If you like your movies silly, check out my review of...

The Strange Case of the End of Civilization As We Know It

After an opening credits sequence involving Cleese riding around London on a bike...for some reason, we are treated to a bunch of dignitaries on a plane. After the stewardess passes by, we meet a man who is supposed to Henry Kissinger. They don't call him that, mind you, but he really is. He lands in Palestine and says 'shalom,' which prompts all of the people there to shoot him. Why did he do that? As is explained to the President (an avatar of Gerald Ford), he had misplaced his notebook and could not recall where he was going. At this point, the comedic tone is set by the briefing scene. If you don't like old Vaudeville-style gags, avoid this movie. In England, a collective of detectives (trying to that five times fast!) has assembled to deal with the problem. On the plane, you see, a note was left from the culprit. They explained that they plan to bring the end of civilization (as we know it) in less than a week. The name on letter: Moriarty. The detectives are led by the British delegate (Denholm Elliot) and feature people from America, Australia and Africa. They think up one man to call: Sherlock Holmes.

*

As we quickly learn, this descendant is a bit less intelligent than his stock would make you think. Initially, he fights with the Police Inspector sent to recruit him, but gets beaten up. We also learn that he is a bit of a drug addict in some oddly-subtle jokes (for this movie, mind you). After the Inspector leaves, he comes back a moment later with a knife in his back. Holmes runs to get help, while the dim Watson (a doctor, mind you) decides to pull the knife out. He is corrected on that by the maid and puts the knife back in! Holmes explains what happened & a delighted Watson asks him how he figured it out. He replies- 'I watched you do it!' They take a bus to the meeting and try to help out. The computer tries to think up an answer, but fails. However, the African delegate forces some answers from it with threats of torture. He even kills the thing when they get what they want. Another candidate for Poor Bastards of Cinema perhaps? There is also a running gag with a sniper across the street killing the delegates. If you ever wanted to see a film make a bit about people being assassinated, this is your movie!

*

Holmes and Watson...well, mostly Holmes come up with a plan. They invite all of the world's greatest detectives to a summit to discuss the matter. What's the reason for this, you ask? To lure out Moriarty, of course. This gives us a whole slew of movie and television show parodies, including Columbo, Hercule Poirot and Q. Yeah, they don't give us James Bond...which is just what you would be expecting. On the plus side, we do get to see John Cleese doing a Kojak impression, even if Watson and the maid don't get it. They do make fun of his bald cap in a funny, fourth wall-breaking joke. Unfortunately, as parodies of people like McCloud are brought in, they are killed off-camera by...Watson. But wait, Watson is upstairs doing the crossword puzzle with Holmes! This is revealed to our hero as he exits into a hallway. In an hilarious bit, he figures out which one of them is real by asking them a series of questions. When one of them gives a clear answer, he knows that it is the fake one! The killer is revealed to be...
...yeah, I'm not going to spoil it for once. Just watch the movie.

*

This movie is very good, but will certainly not appeal to everyone. The humor is very silly and never claims to be Masterpiece Theater. The tone is juvenile and the jokes are telegraphed a mile in advance. Cleese had a good time making the movie, which is quite evident in the movie. He does some great physical comedy gags and is extremely sarcastic. This movie's Watson is the biggest idiot on God's green Earth, making you wonder why he is working with Holmes. However, the movie answers this question with a silly line from Cleese explaining how Watson is part-bionic. In case you are wondering, there is a pay-off for the gag and I will not spoil that one either. The film has some funny bits with breaking the fourth wall, including the last title card which is very long & followed by the narrator explaining that it is longer because it is the last one! If your sense of humor is warped and silly, this is your movie.

*

Fun fact: The NY Times apparently had the same idea as me and featured this film on their website. Go figure.

*

Next up, I begin my Christmas celebration. First up, the Christmas horror film that promises a lot and delivers...extremely little. Stay tuned...

Poor Bastards of Cinema: The Point Men

This is actually a pretty entertaining and solid film, so I will be brief with any SPOILERS and the like.

The basic plot involves a team of operatives from different countries that are put together to stop a terrorist attempt. They succeed, but one of the villains survives. What follows is his tale of revenge.

To disguise his murders and not draw up suspicion, the man tries to cover them as other ones. For example, he shoots up a liquor store employee as well as one of the Men in order to make it look like a bad robbery. I'm sure that the employee is glad he came in to work today!

The weird one though involves him killing another one of the Men, who now works in a lab. He makes both him and a female employee disrobe before shooting them in the head. Ha! That will make the crime look like...wait, what kind of crime is that supposed to be? Either way, she had nothing to do with anything. Evidently, the man is a firm believer in collateral damage!

Next up, two people who had the misfortune of being in a bad kung-fu hero's path. It's not pretty. Stay tuned...

Mondo Anniversaries: 40 Years!

As we close out the year, I want to take a look back at the anniversaries of films. Today's subject: films celebrating their 40th Anniversaries.

Godzilla's Revenge- Yeah, let's try to forget this one. We don't need to recall the film where Godzilla's son can talk and befriends a small boy in a parallel story to his own. Oh yeah, it's all a dream too. Good times.

The Bird with the Crystal Plumage- That's more like it. This kick-started Argento's 'Animal Trilogy' and his career in the Giallo market. Good stuff.

On Her Majesty's Secret Service- For all of you who complained about the Quantum of Solace's 'action over story' approach, check out this movie. James Bond gets all sappy, battles Kojak and even gets married. Of course, she dies in the ending and is never really mentioned again, making this whole movie: Entirely Pointless.

Death Rides A Horse- This little Public Domain film stars John Phillip Law as a cowboy- isn't that enough? On top of that, he has teamed up with Lee Van Cleef (a pro at those) in a revenge tale. If someone ever makes a good print available (the current one is very gray), check this baby out.

I also have to give a shout-out to some other films of note: The Magic Christian, The Wild Bunch, Once Upon A Time in the West, Blood of Dracula's Castle, The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes, Gamera vs. Guiron & They Shoot Horses, Don't They?

Next up, the films of 1979. Can they match up to the quality so far? Stay tuned...

The Real White Meat: Cannibal Holocaust

This is one of the more iconic films that I have written about, so I had better not screw this up. I imagine that most of you are at least familiar with the idea of the film, so I will be brief here. Italian director Ruggero Deodato made a trilogy of cannibal films, but this is the only one that has really gained a lot of notoriety. Why? Well, how about being banned in over 25 countries (some even to this day), making $3 million (in 1982 dollars) in about a week and leading to murder charges against Deodato? Yeah, that should do it. As part of the marketing, the lead actors were not allowed to take any other work and made to lay low for a year. That stopped when they had to prove their status as alive for the courts. How crazy could this film be? Find out in my review of...

Cannibal Holocaust

Our story begins with an unseen camera crew interviewing people on the streets. A documentary film crew has gone missing while filming a movie in the jungle. The crew tries to interview their parents, who are none too pleased with the questioning. It is at this point that movie proves that it's aim is realism and it nails that to a 'T.' The narrative cuts to a man (Robert Kerman) who is hired by the studio backing the filmmakers to go out and find them. Before he goes, he is given a taste of their work. He is shown part of their previous film- The Last Road to Hell- and learns a bit about these people. As he is explained by the editor, the group sold out some rebels to the military leaders and filmed their executions. To make the line between reality and fantasy all the more blurry, I should mention that this is real footage from Nigeria. He takes a flight to the area- thanks to travel footage that seems similar to that from Hell of the Living Dead- and is given a local guide. This part gets a little weird as the man is warned about the dangerous tribes in the area. We even get quite a bit of male nudity, because that was necessary. The important thing is that he finds their film cans...and a bunch of skeletons. Ruh roh!

*

Back in the United States, the man meets up with the film company to talk about the footage. He is against them showing it, but they are insistent. Finally determined to shut them up, he holds a screening. This is where we learn the truth about these people. As soon as they get to the area, they begin to ingratiate themselves. Oh wait, that's completely false. Instead, they act like assholes to everyone and don't exactly 'respect' nature. If you watch the full, uncut version, you get to see all of this. If you are squeamish about this, the 2-Disc set has an Animal-Cruelty Free Cut to watch. It is sort of awkward how it cuts away right as the bad stuff happens, but it is nice of them to include it. Of course, the most famous animal cruelty scene- the 'turtle dissection'- is available to watch on YouTube as I write this. No, I'm not going to link it for you. They shoot a pig, cut up a turtle, crush a spider and kill a snake, among other things. While I don't support what they did,- neither does Deodato- I can tell you that this is the only film where you can watch a real monkey get its brains eaten by a tribesmen. This is where the SPOILERS begin, so feel free to skip to the end if you want.

*

The real controversial moments of the film involve the camera crew staging horrific events for their film. They burn a village down and film the fleeing people as they talk about how the 'rival group did it.' In their 'raw footage,' they rape a young girl from the tribe as the lone girl tries to talk them down. Following that, the young woman is impaled on a pole. Gee, I wonder who did that? In the film's most disturbing and subtle moment, one of them is told not to smile as they begin their narration. If you see nothing else in the movie, you really need to see that part. Near the end of the footage, the group is suddenly attacked by other members of the tribe. The sound guy is killed with a spear, emasculated (ironic, but still disturbing) and cut up. The trio runs- keeping the first person camera perspective- but the girl is caught. She is gang-raped (again- ironic, but disturbing) and killed by the men when they are done. The other two run again, but are shot. The lead guy's head falls into frame (a scene that has been stolen by Cloverfield and Welcome to the Jungle) as the footage ends. Shocked, the film executives tell him to burn the footage.

*

This movie is rough, but such a good production. I know many of you will never watch this movie due to its title and subject matter. I get that- I really do. If you can put up with the controversial content, you will see a well-made film that immerses you so well into a world that you would never want to be a part of. All of you people that want to talk about how good The Blair Witch Project is need to see this movie. The makers of that film claim to never have heard of it, of course. Do you believe that people who would self-finance their own horror film have not heard of/seen this movie? I sure as hell don't! The makers of this movie are really owed some money by the makers of Welcome to the Jungle as well, but I doubt that they will get it. Unlike Snuff, this film lives up to its haughty reputation. If you have the nerve, check out this much-touted horror film.

*

Let's clear our palette, shall we? I bring you a curious little gem from Britain. It comes to you from 221 B. Baker Street. Stay tuned...

Forgotten Toons: 'Future Sherlock Holmes' (Part 1)

Sherlock Holmes is an iconic character and has been represented in more films than nearly any other character. He has been played by numerous actors of note, including Christopher Lee, Peter Cushing and Basil Rathbone. Occasionally, however, someone thinks outside of the box and puts him in...the future! There are actually two different incidents of this, so let's start with the earliest...

This is a bit confusing to explain, so try to stay with me. Bravestarr is a Filmation (He-Man, etc) show about a space cowboy trying to restore order to the planet of New Texas. It's a silly premise, but it worked. How does Sherlock Holmes fit into this, you ask? The answer is...odd.

In the show's 65 episode run, only two episodes take place outside of New Texas- these ones. This 2-part has Marshall Bravestarr traveling to New London as an envoy or something. By the way, if you like the rest of Bravestarr's cast, screw you- they're not here. Instead, we are introduced to a new character and a new villain that only appears here. Hurray!

The story centers around the famous Sherlock Holmes tale in which he apparently dies from falling off of a cliff during a battle with Moriarty. In the original tale, it was a trick to lure the villain out and get an advantage. Here, Holmes falls into a time portal that takes place during the storm...for some reason. He ends up in the future and has electric powers due to his trip, as well. What follows is a silly tale of future Moriarty in some sort of weird scheme to control children with music. It does not really make a lot of sense, but this is a children's show from the 1980s.

I should note that the ending leaves Holmes in the future- causality be damned! This is obviously the set-up for a spin-off. If you don't recall ever seeing this show, it is because Filmation went out of business. Their last gasp was a film that tried to be the sequel to Snow White. Au revoir, Filmation.

To see a bit of what this show was supposed to be like, check out the Part 2. It only took 10 years to come to fruition. Stay tuned...

WTF Denmark?!?: The Sinful Dwarf

This is one of those movies like Lady Terminator that just somehow did not get reviewed quickly. There is really no reason for it other than my absentmindedness or something else showing up to distract me. When stuff like Star Wreck or Eternal Evil of Asia hits my door, it distracts me from other things at the time. Well, allow me to make up for this oversight today. As for the other oversights (i.e. Hawk the Slayer, Mystics in Bali, etc), I'll get to them later. Today's film is a curious, Danish horror movie- which is something that is often forgotten about when compared to Italian or Spanish ones- about a young couple who moves into the wrong tenant dwelling. The film is full of odd characters, all of which surround a nice, nubile woman. Is it good though? Well, find out in the full review of...

The Sinful Dwarf

The story begins with a young couple trying to find a place to live. They are newlyweds, but money is tight. The husband, you see, has lost his job and needs to get a new one. The duo end up at a very unfriendly-looking apartment building that is run by a weird old lady and her son. By the way, her son is a dwarf, not that this is really a surprise. He is extremely-creepy and basically pictures the woman naked the whole time he leads them to their place. That night, the couple talk about tomorrow and have some nice 'only in a foreign film' sex. Does it add anything to the story? Nope. On the plus side- boobs. He leaves the next day to go find work, leaving our heroine to stay in the creepy place. Our hero, ladies and gentlemen! As if things could not get weirder, we learn that the mother likes to sit around her room and sing show tunes. She is hideous-looking and, as a bonus, has the dwarf playing piano for her. This is like Absolutely Fabulous, only not done ironically. I should also mention that there is still more salacious content to come. Is there more logic though? No, not really.

*

As it turns out, the apartment building has a secret. Up in the attic, the old lady and the dwarf keep a group of naked, drugged-out women. They use the police as a house of prostitution as well as a tenant dwelling. Of course, the police have no idea that all of these drifters are coming in and out of the same building on a regular basis. On top of that, a steady supply of drugs is shipped in to keep the women high and pliable. That one, they at least try to cover by having their drug dealer also be a toymaker. Mind you, he has been delivering lots of children's toys to a house with an old woman and a dwarf without any children. Every day, the husband leaves and the woman is left to just wander around the building. She gets too close to the truth, but finds out nothing just yet. The husband finally gets a job, but, in a lazy twist, it turns out to be for the man who delivers the drug-filled toys to the dwarf's building! This really is a small world, huh? All the while, the dwarf continues to be creepy. The plot is barely-moving, but at least he is interesting.

*

Finally, our heroine stumbles upon the room where the drugged out whores are kept, but sets off a loud, noisy toy in the process. She is grabbed by the old woman and dwarf & somehow overpowered. I get that you are a woman-in-peril, but how weak are you? They rip off her outer garments and chain her up, but she is magically-naked when we see her next time. It was sure nice of her to let them take off her underwear, huh? The husband is left with a fake note from the wife about how she could not take being married to him anymore, which he actually buys for a while! A policeman who has barely been seen at all begins to interject himself into the story and question the toymaker. Back at the house, our heroine has been given her first taste of the addictive drugs given to the women and is actually used by a customer! Our heroes finally figure out that something is going on, leading to a finale involving a shooting, some stabbing and a falling dwarf. I should mention again that they fail to stop the woman from being raped! The End.

*

Wow, this movie is...um, something. The plot moves at a really slow pace & they try to cover it with some nudity. That only worked for the first thirty minutes, guys! The blond who plays our lead heroine apparently did not work again after this movie, which is a shame. What's not a shame is that the director- who just reveled in the sleaze- seems to not have worked again either. The real selling point of this movie is the lead: Torbin Bille. As the titular dwarf, he steals the show in every scene he is in. You are not going to rent this movie for the plot though, are you? You want to see a salacious film starring an evil dwarf? In that regard, the movie does not disappoint. In every other aspect, it is not so good.

*

Next up, how else can I close up my look at flesh-eating films without covering the most famous one of all time? Was the movie worthy of being banned in over 25 countries? Stay tuned...

R.I.P. One-Man Army and Templar Killer

Well, the damn Rule of Threes strikes again! I hate it so damn much!

Apparently, we have lost two great, albeit understated, names in the genre picture medium. First, Tony Kendall (his billed name, mind you), the star of the second Blind Dead film, as well as many others. His work with Ossorio is just so good that it stands out.

Across the Ocean, we also have Chen Hung Lieh. While not a big name in America, he is notable to me and my friends as the villain known as The One-Man Army from Fearless Fighters. Obviously, as one of the actors of that time, he did dozens of movies in his career. If you want to see a damn great one though, check out Fearless Fighters.

Both of them will be missed. R.I.P., you crazy bastards. I have to thank Cool Ass Cinema for bringing this news to my attention, as sad as it is. I'd rather know than be surprised by it later.

I really hate doing these, so please give me a break, Mr. Reaper. Stay tuned..

Mondo Anniversaries: 50 Years!

We forget just how old and timeless some things are until we stop to think about them. I want to bring some focus to a group of films that have celebrated/will celebrate their fiftieth anniversary in 2009. Here are the notable ones...

Attack of the Giant Leeches- This film about rednecks who are besieged by a group of giant leeches is a classic. Sure, it sucks- but it's got rednecks, a shotgun and leeches. That's a hat-trick right there.

The Alligator People- Who can forget this classic film starring Lon Chaney Jr. and Beverly Garland? Okay, most people have. It's not good or all that interesting, but...where was I going with that?

The Return of the Fly- The much lauded sequel to the classic film and one of the few in any series to ever go from color to black & white. I'll spare you the whole story here (until my review), but it involves a man, a plan and a half-hamster man.

A Bucket of Blood- This low-budget, ironic film about how people view art holds up pretty well to this day. As far as Corman films go, this one is good, even if it can be really forced at times.

Plan 9 From Outer Space- Ironically, this *classic* had it's anniversary in the same month as my birthday (July). In a way, that adds to my love of this movie. It's like I share some sort of weird, hidden connection with it. That or it is just a coincidence.

I want to give a shout-out to the other films that share this honor. Those include The Angry Red Planet, The Mouse That Roared, The Hound of the Baskervilles (with Cushing and Lee), Terror in the Midnight Sun, Hercules Unchained, Teenage Zombies, The Killer Shrews, The House on Haunted Hill and The Tingler. What a year for strange films!

Next up, some films celebrating a 40th Anniversary this year. Can it top their big brothers? Stay tuned...

70s Trash: Empire of the Ants

I will be up-front with you: I love this movie. It is great for all the wrong reasons. The film is about giant ants and comes to us from the man who made giant creatures work: Bert I. Gordon. If you don't know the name, Bert made several films on the subject including War of the Colossal Beast (the all-but-forgotten sequel to The Amazing Colossal Man, which he also made), King Dinosaur, Food of the Gods (whose sequel I reviewed) and Village of the Giants. Basically, the man had a gimmick- i.e. William Castle- and it worked. Well, it worked until 1977. You see, the last of his big films was this one. He still made movies- mind you, there were only four in the last 30 years- but not with anywhere near the amount of success. So, how did the last hurrah of a big, film icon turn out? Find out in my review of...

Empire of the Ants

The story starts out with a long narration about how ants do this and that. Basically, it is more direct and less pretentious than the one in Phase IV. Basically, it is on par with the ridiculous 'killer whales are awesome' speech from Orca. This actually gives you a lot of foreshadowing for the story, so I won't spoil anything...yet. The story proper begins with a bunch of people being given the tour of an island that is going to be the home of some condos. The tour is being led by Joan Collins, so you know that the quality of this movie is going to be high! You get some stock characters including some nosy old people, a philanderer and the impossibly-nice guy who only exists in movies. One of them hits on Joan- you'll never guess which! They get the usual spiel about 'houses will go here' and 'this place is great for this reason.' All the while, we are treated to random camera angle shots of the group passing by that are accompanied by loud buzzing. This must have been fun for those with bootleg VHS tapes! We also get some P.O.V. shots from some creatures with multiple eyes in one. You want to lay off the suspense and just show them, movie?

*

Finally, the movie does so and it is...well, funny. You get a mix of film-projection effects and super-tight shots of people interacting with model props. The beasts attack the group, who flee in their little go-kart thing. Basically, it's the thing that drives you to your parking zone at Disney. The annoying old people are killed off first, followed by some people who decide to hide in a tiny shack. Gee, it's not like they are giant or anything! Escape is removed as an option when the Captain- generic older character actor- is attacked by an ant on the boat. During the struggle, a fire is set and their only means of escape is blown up. Mind you, they could always swim themselves, but that would be silly. After some silly chasing, the survivors get in a boat and take a river ride. Faster than you can say 'they did this in Frogs,' ants attack them and the group barely escapes. Incidentally, the ants attacking is very awkward and only matched by the action choreography from Hercules in New York. Mind you, in this film it is because people are battling imaginary or out-of-scale threats, while the people were just awful in Hercules. A bit later, they make it to land and flee to a nearby town. Incidentally, this private island attaches to a town now. Ready for the film to go into insane territory now?

*

Our heroes set-up in town pretty quickly and feel safe. Oddly, there is no way to call out and the people act a bit curious. The group decide to flee, but are cut off by the police. They are taken to the sugar factory where they see some tiny ants in a pile of sugar...er, I mean, a bunch of giant ants in a mountain of sugar. What the hell is going on, you ask? As we learn, the ants have set up shop in town and have an army of human slaves. How? As the introductory bullshit explained, ants have pheromones that are used to communicate in lieu of a voice. The film took that and made it into a magic, mind-controlling substance. You want to be taken over? It's a simple procedure. They dump you in a tiny glass room that is adjacent to the film-projection of the queen ant and she sprays you. They demonstrate this on Joan, who does not take kindly to the whole thing. Our young hero manages to steal a tanker truck full of gas- I guess they borrowed it from a Terminator movie's crash scene- and manages to light the place up. Two of our leads escape, but leave everyone else to die. The End.

*

Holy crap, does this movie turn weird in the third act. Based on what you read/saw, were you expecting that stuff? I sure as hell wasn't. Honestly, if you exclude this part, the movie does not have a lot to offer you. It does, however, put the ant effects from Honey, I Shrunk the Kids into perspective though! I will say that Bert I. Gordon always knew how to make these ridiculous premises work, even if he was never all the clever. This is a bit of pulpy fan that will make you both appreciate the days of this kind of film and remind yourself of just how lucky you are to be living in this time. Wait, this is the generation that made the Transformers films. On second thought, scratch that second part!

*

Up next, a film that has been waiting for a review for a while now. What do you get when you combine the 'crazy family' sub-genre with the 'dwarf-spoiltation' one? The answer is really, really messed up. Stay tuned...

60s Trash: Frankenstein Meets the Space Monster

This is one of those movies that manages to stay under most people's radars. First off, it is from the bygone era of low-budget 1960s sci-fi (i.e. the films all set on Earth). Secondly, it was not directed by Roger Corman. Instead, it was by a man named Robert Gaffney, who only made this film. Don't cry for him, though- he was also the director of photography for 2001: A Space Odyssey...'s part filmed in Monument Valley. Lastly, this movie is known under several other titles including Frankenstein Meets the Space Men, Mars Attacks Puerto Rico, Duel of the Spacemen, Operation San Juan and Mars Invades Puerto Rico. Incidentally, I like how someone made the distinction between them invading Puerto Rico, as opposed to just attacking it. It's like 'we'd love to stay, but we're busy- we're just going to attack you and leave.' Let's get past that bit of silliness and review the real silliness here...

Frankenstein Meets the Space Monster

The film begins strongly with a countdown and some obvious stock footage from a rocket take-off. Set the mood early, film! Unfortunately, a mysterious explosion occurs during this- done via film effect- and dampens everyone's mood. We get to see a bunch of talking heads- both military and NASA- discussing the problem. What could be the cause of this? As it turns out, it is the work of some space aliens. I would have never figured that out from the title! The most notable of them are the two leads: the Queen and her second-in-command/scientist. The former is from the mold of your usual space Queens from films such as Rocket to the Moon and the like, while the other is very odd. Basically, if Nosferatu was an alien and dressed in black leather, it would be this guy. Wait- maybe he's from Planet Transylvania like this movie! They explain -to each other- how their planet was overrun with radiation and that they are seeking a new home. They viewed all of the launches as attacks and blasted them out of the sky. Back on Earth, a scientist and his lady pal arrive at a NASA press conference. The brass play down the attacks as accidents and tout their new astronaut. He looks nice and all, but freezes up completely during his speech. Don't be like me and just think it's the disc skipping.

*

As we learn, the man is actually not human. He is a composite man made up old parts and electronics. Why? Because NASA does not want to risk anymore men until they solve the problem of the attacks. You lucked out this time, space monkeys! So, we get another missile launch scene- Great Moments in Stock footage indeed- which does not go much better. It is not completely destroyed, however, as our half-man and half-machine...on the cover of a magazine survives, but has a messed-up look. Basically, half of his face is revealed to be its natural form, while the other is still his 'human mask.' Stranded in Puerto Rico, he begins to wander around in his space suit. He freaks out a couple of young women, but runs off. Meanwhile, the aliens begin their plan: to kidnap some women for breeding. Unlike Mars Needs Women, these guys actually do something interesting! A pasty guy is out at the beach with his hot model girlfriend and does not want to go swimming with her. That schmuck deserves to die! Oh wait, the aliens just disintegrated him- thanks. Back in the less interesting plot, our two heroes take a trip to Puerto Rico- cue more stock footage- and go looking for him. They come across the scene of the incident and suspect his involvement, despite all logic to the contrary. You're supposed to save the day?

*

After a montage of the idiots riding around the city on a moped, we cut back to the aliens. They show up at a pool party and decide to kidnap all the woman. No, don't take Gidget! Back to Frankenstein as he wanders around some more, but stays oddly low-key for a half-man/half-monster. By the way, the story is really this choppily done. The aliens do some vague 'indoctrination' process that involves women on a conveyor belt, but one of them is too wild for this. Instead, they lock them in the room across from their monster- thanks for showing up so soon, monster! Finally, our heroes find 'Frank' and the man tries to fix him. He sends the girl off to call the military, but she is captured by aliens a mere 50 feet from our hero's location. They go to rescue her and the military joins in. They surround the ship- which was doing just fine in the atmosphere unseen- and plan to bomb it. 'Frank' gets in and knocks some aliens around. Mere minutes from the end, he locks horns with the space monster and they...awkwardly sumo wrestle. That's right- this is The Human Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy all over again! He manages to get all the women out- who show no ill effects from whatever was done to them- before the ship takes off. He activates the self-destruct sequence and the movie awkwardly stops with our human heroes looking up. The End.

*

This movie is not all that good, but it does have a charm to it. The space monster looks silly in its minimal screen-time, but passable. 'Frank's' make-up works at times, but they barely show it all that much either. I guess it won't surprise you that the space aliens spend more than half the time with their giant space helmets on after all that, would it? Even so, the movie does have a weird and kitschy charm to it. Any film with a pool party scene that is interrupted by an alien attack is not without its unintentional humor. If you like those silly Corman movies like Attack of the Crab Monsters or The Last Woman on Earth, then you will be entertained. It is easy to see why this guy only has one directorial notch on his belt though.

*

Up next, another schlock classic gets some loving. This one involves ants, tourists and radiation. Stay tuned...

Mondo Trivia: Day of the Dead (1985)

*Zombie extras were paid $1.00 a day for their services and given a hat that said 'I Was a Zombie in Day of the Dead.' I wonder how much those would go for on EBay these days?

*Joseph Pilato- aka bad-ass Captain Rhodes- would later go on to be a voice in the cartoon series Digimon: Digital Monsters. The man who uttered the words "choke on them" as zombies ate his guts doing a voice on a Japanese cartoon- what are the odds?!?

*One line from the film- "Hello- Is anyone there?" is sampled in a Gorrilaz song entitled 'M1A1.' The same group also samples dialogue for this film- and Dawn of the Dead- in the song 'Hip Albatross.'

Blockbuster Trash: Mimic 2

I know some of you may think of this as a cheat, but it's not. While it's true that this is a Forgotten Sequel (it was made in 2001), it was also made direct-to-video. Unlike the last two films featured in the series, this movie was never in a theater! For those that don't know, Guillermo Del Toro was so fed up with the Weinstein's constant creative insertion that he all but disowned the original Mimic. As such, it should be no surprise that he did not make this movie. Instead, he made some small, indy film called Blade II. There is some confusion to this film if you really look at it, as well. The story is a sequel, but centers around one of the supporting characters and not the lead. Does it make this film a 'Sidequel' then? Regardless, this is...

Mimic 2: Hardshell

The film begins with a mysterious man walking down a soundstage...er, I mean street with a mysterious briefcase. He is attacked by an unseen creature with claws and stumbles into the path of a taxi cab. That is also attacked as well, complete with having the metal hood cut through. Of course, because this is not a good movie, the hood is in one-piece when the police show up the next morning. Their only clue is a bunch of dirt that seems to have come out of the briefcase. The movie transitions to our real lead: a young woman who is a Biology teacher at an inner city high shool. Just to note: because this movie was made in early 2001 and set in New York, you do get a sadly-ironic shot of the Twin Towers. Our heroine proves to be very quirky and has one obsession: bugs. I mean, she is really into bugs. We learn this in great detail as she goes out on a date with some guy. In one of the movie's few comedy segments, she talks non-stop about bug behavior, while the guy only wants to get in her pants. After she leaves, he is attacked by a mysterious man in a coat. Cue to police!

*

The more we learn about our heroine, the weirder she gets. After she is informed about the man's death, she takes a picture of herself. Why, you ask? Because she apparently does that every time a relationship turns bad. To make it all the stranger, she posts them all on a closet door in her apartment! The detective talks to her in-depth and even puts the moves on her a bit. He suspects that something was up with her due to people in her proximity meeting mysterious and violent deaths. He states early on, however, that she could not do it, since the man was strung up on a light pole and outweighed her by nearly 100 lbs. In the film's other parallel story, she develops a close bond with a young, inner city youth, while an older student has the hots for her. Late one evening, she discovers that her and the younger boy are trapped in the school, thanks to someone stacking up desks and chairs Poltergeist-style. The Principal, played by penultimate character actor John Polito, tries to help, but meets a bloody death. This is also where we learn that the killer is one of the original beasts from the first film. I admire your attempt at mystery, but is this really a surprise? This is Mimic 2!

*

The bulk of the movie revolves around our heroes running somewhere, talking about bugs and running some more. Since our heroine was one of the people from the original release of the bugs in the last movie, she knows all about how their minds/bodies work. Of course, nearly every time she sets something up based on that knowledge, it fails! She switches clothes with the older boy (who's probably 19 in real life) to fool the bug, but only ends up making it confused and angry. You see, the bug has apparently decided that she is to be his mate...for some reason, so it is killing any man in her life that is conceived to be a 'rival.' Speaking of the bug, it is mostly CG and looks good or terrible depending on the scene. In its 'human form,' it never looks realistic, unless you think that people resememble Michael Meyers covered in Vasoline. After a lot of running and struggling, the policeman from earlier breaks into the building- which is surrounded by cops- and saves our heroine...or so it seems. In the chaos, the police somehow confuse the bug in his form for the real guy, who they discover. Rather than giving us a twist ending, the movie continues and has the bug get decapitated by our heroine. She is forced to wait out its death, however, as it died in the doorway. The End.

*

Yeah, this movie is not good. The story is not all that awful, but it definitely has some flaws. The mystery about the assailant is handled well, but feels really unnecessary. If this were the first Mimic or an original IP, it would be logical. In addition, the whole thing with the bug being in love/lust with her does not make all that much sense. She makes a point many times about it still behaving like a bug and having its flaws (i.e. flash sensitivity). So, this creature is exactly like a bug, only it is also just like a human? Early on, they give us many victims that are really unnecessary. Why did the bug kill the janitor? Did it push the story on in anyway? Was it just so your film did not feel so bottom-heavy? On top of that, the ending felt like they had a neat idea, but 'chickened out' on it. I will give them credit for some good bug effects, but deduct just about as many points for an over-reliance on CG. This is especially notable when you consider that this is a sequel to a Del Toro film, the man who still pushes for on-camera effects/suits. You can definitely do worse (see Species II-IV), but don't expect a lot.

*

Next up, a quirkly little film involving aliens, swimsuit models and Frankenstein's creation. You have to be curious. Stay tuned...

Forgotten Sequels: Turbulence 2- Fear of Flying

Let's be honest: any movie about a plane disaster is sort of awkward to watch these days. Even old-school films like the original Airport films have an eerie twinge to them. Pretty much the only films that have escaped this are the Airplane films. You can't be disturbed by any film featuring Leslie Nielsen and Robert Stack. In today's movie, the producers actually went out of their way to make their film look awkward a year later (it was made in 2000) and for the rest of all time. It was like a dare gone wrong! This movie is the sequel to a surprise hit starring Lauren 'Dumb & Dumber' Holly and Ray 'Narc' Liotta. They decided to follow this up a couple of years later with the all-star duo of Jennifer Beals and Craig Scheffer! Wow, star power like that will be visible for thousands of years after it burns out! This is...

Turbulence II: Fear of Flying

The film begins with a bunch of people confronting the movie's titular fear. They are on a plane that experiences turbulence. One of them gets pushed past his limit and walks off, revealing that it was a plane simulator. Damn you, M. Night! In actuality, they are in a support group for the fear that is actually run by the airline! Enjoy the new Fear of Terrorism class- brought to you by Al Queida! Our group is made up 90% comic-relief characters (nebbish guy, fat guy, etc), a British man, Mr. Scheffer and Ms. Beals. Do they contribute much to the story? Not really. As it turns out, the group's final test is an actual flight, which seems like a really bad idea. They meet up with a flight controller played by Tom Berenger, who did not really have anything better to do at this point. I should mention that he was the star of Sniper 1, 2 and 3. A bunch of extras and such get on the plane as it goes for its flight. As a bonus, they are joined by some foreign guys. Ruh roh!

*

We get a bit of filler for a while as we establish everyone's quirks. The British guy is trying to get some nookie from Beals, who never really says 'no.' Scheffer is constantly butting in to everyone's business, while the Captain acts absurdly-generic. It's like he's trying to be every do-good pilot from the Airport films at one time! All of our comic relief characters freak out as the plane goes through a storm, but that is the least of their concerns. People start to get killed and nobody is quite sure why. The movie tries to cover who the culprit is before doing the reveal in a long and winding series of 'shock reveals.' All but one of the foreigners are killed after one of them holds the plane hostage with a bomb threat. One of the passengers reveals themselves to be Security Personnel for the airline, but fails to stop the terrorist. Scheffer and the British man take him down, but the former notices that the latter has actually pocketed the detonator. Reveal #2 comes as the man explains that he is a British agent sent to stop the men with the weapon. After some questions still remain, he just says 'screw it' and kills both the Security guy and the lone foreigner left. So, he is the terrorist?

*

The movie's not done yet, so try to keep up. In a silly plan involving putting one woman in an overhead compartment and a mass attack, our heroes take down the Brit. This is where we get one of the more awkward scenes involving the passengers discussing how they can take down the terrorist. Yeah, it's a bit too much like United 93! They succeed, but one of the passengers reveals himself to be in league with the Brit! Got any more plot twists to chuck at me in twenty minutes, movie?!? In spite of being attacked numerous times for interfering, Scheffer continues to stick his nose in this! As luck would have it, he designs planes after a crash killed his wife. He proves himself to be the pluckiest damn hostage in the history of mankind! Things get better when the co-conspirator is taken down by a batch of drugged water (don't ask), but worse when the Captain dies from tumbling backwards into a control box. Thank God your spine was made of Nerf! The movie really stretches out the ending bit, with the use of a plane to communicate with the control tower, a second radio to do so and, finally, a cellphone. The movie becomes more awkward when the pressure comes to shoot down the plane. Lay off United 93, guys! Finally, the day is saved and Scheffer gets to put his tongue down Jennifer Beals' throat. The End.

*

Honestly, the film is not that bad. The story is pretty simple- for the most part- and the acting gets the job done. That is in regards to the leads, mind you, as everyone else is just 'eh.' The villain pulls off the evil, yet realistic tone pretty well, although is character is very one-note. Beals does the woman-in-peril thing pretty well. Oddly, the day is saved by the man, as opposed to the feminist tone of the first film. The plot twists really hurt the movie as they are barely explained and just there to keep you off-guard. It is 'sequel-itis' at its best and very worst, guys. I get that you need to top the first movie, but try to stick to either terrorists, bio-weapons or a military threat- not all three! For a sequel to a barely-remembered '90s film, it is quite good. Just don't expect it to ignore all of the 'plane in peril' genre's cliches.

*

We get some buggy Blockbuster Trash in the form of a sequel to a Guillermo Del Toro film. Can this film mimic the others' notoriety and success? Stay tuned...

Impossibly-Cool Cover Art: Duel (2-Pack)

As simple as the premise is,- man pisses off truck driver and is chased through the desert- Duel is a good movie. It works so well, in spite of it all. That said, these posters are so much more interesting...
So Duel is an art film? Or is it a very obtuse video game?

Damn, I really want to see that movie! More importantly, I want a truck with a dragon in the under-carriage like that.

Next up, the Greeks amp up a Michael Mann film...not like he usually needs it. Stay tuned...

Forgotten Sequels: Return of the Living Dead 2

Zombies were very popular in the 1980s, so the fact that one iconic zombie film managed to get made is no surprise. The original Return of the Living Dead is a fun, quirky film about gore and mutilation. More importantly, it dared to defy the zombie rules set up by Romero. Shooting a zombie in the head- that doesn't do crap! You have to burn those guys up or cut them into little, tiny pieces like in Stacy. With the popularity of the film, how do they follow it up? Do you just rehash the same ideas or try something completely new and unique? To find out, check out my review of...

Return of the Living Dead: Part II

The film begins by explaining the basic back-story of the series. Night of the Living Dead was based on real events and the gas that caused it is still around. Apparently, they dumped them in the same canisters as the aliens from the War of the Worlds television show. Our plot in the present involves two of the preserved zombie bodies being left in the sewer. Unfortunately, my dream of them infecting a giant alligator and giving us Alligator III: The Real Mutation does not come to be. Instead, some dumb kids open up the electronic locks placed on them by the government and unleash the gas. It looks like a mix of The Fog and the stuff that created the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. After a bit too much filler and character introduction, the dead rise from the ground! By the way, if you ever wanted to see a film spoof this iconic scene with slapstick comedy, this is your film! A zombie putting on their glasses- check. A zombie who keeps getting his hand stepped on as he exits the grave- check. A zombie just flat-out falling back into his tomb like Tor Johnson- why not?!? Incidentally, two of our heroes are grave-robbers. I just wanted to mention that.

Our heroes are a rag-tag group if there ever was one. We get the aforementioned grave-robbers (one old and one young), a dorky TV repairman (also our lead), a weird redhead, a senile doctor, a teenage girl and her brother. There are many other characters, but they are pretty much just there to be zombie fodder. Take, for example, the two other kids that go with our young hero. Both of them die and turn into zombies, the latter of which gets a role in the ending. Another character that gets a big role is a disembodied zombie head. Yeah, I said that. His role involves being stabbed in the head by a screwdriver, complaining about this treatment and somehow ending up at the site of the film's conclusion. How did he get there? Did he share a ride with the guy from Basket Case? After a lot of running around and yelling, our heroes flee in the doctor's car. They head to a hospital, since the two grave robbers (not from outer space) are feeling ill, since they were around the gas. Somehow I don't think that a hospital is the best place to go, guys. Then again, these are the same people who unwittingly call zombie hordes over to them two different times!

The movie dares to show you the anguish of turning from a human into a zombie. Oh wait, it just has one guy moan and complain for several minutes. The young man is more nuanced and attempts to give a rational explanation for why he needs to eat his girlfriend's brain. It is, well, odd and sort of funny. We also get numerous gore shots that are really silly. Take, for example, the man who is punched in the face by the redhead and it sinks in like someone punching a pumpkin. Another zombie gets his mouth around the same girl's hand, only for her to pull it off. The brief bit where he pulls his hand up to check on the result is priceless. After inadvertently kicking lots of zombie ass, the redhead decides to let her boyfriend eat her brains...and she dies. Thanks for coming, honey. Ultimately, our surviving heroes get trapped at the power plant and must rely on the kid to save the day. He turns on the power and zaps all of the zombies. The military show up and burn them, despite the pleas of the head. Seriously, how did it get there? The End.

This movie is not bad, but it is definitely not for everyone. It is bizarre, quirky and strange. It goes for horror at times, but mostly goes for curious laughs. They are usually not 'punch-line jokes' either- just weird moments that go unexplained. The closest they come to a normal joke is the bit where the one guy talks about having deja vu, since him and two of the others were in the original! The zombie effects are quite good, especially if you enjoy '80s prosthetic work. Personally, I would take that over crappy CGI any day of the week, so it pleased me. They absolutely revel in the ridiculous gore, from decapitations to body-splitting. The problem with the film is that it is hard to nail down. The glimpses of horror are immediately followed by physical comedy, which will just make people confused. The movie is not meant to be taken seriously, so just embrace it.

Next up, the sequel to a surprise hit about a woman and a plane. Unfortunately, it is not Airplane II. Stay tuned...

Syndicated Incorporated: Jack of All Trades

Sam Raimi and Bruce Campbell have always been an eccentric duo that achieved great success. In fact, many times when the chance for a pairing has fallen through, the product was not as successful- i.e. Darkman. So, in the year 2000, after the success of Hercules and Xena, the pair made a new show...

This tongue-in-cheek show starred Bruce as an American spy who was sent to a tiny island that was ruled by the French. His job: to put a stop to Napoleon's occupation and end his global land grab. Teaming with a hot British lady, he takes on the mantle of The Dragoon, a Scarlet Pimpernel-like character. Okay, it is the Scarlet Pimpernel, albeit with Bruce's witticisms. In spite of being the only man with both an American accent and that damn chin, nobody figures out his dual identity.

The key to the show is its oddball nature. For example, the pair of heroes get information from a talking parrot with a French accent. One story involved Blackbeard (!) kidnapping Ben Franklin in order to have him make a super-weapon based on the kite. The coup de grace though is the casting of Verne Troyer as Napoleon.

Unfortunately, I used the word 'success' so many times in my header as ironic juxtaposition as this show failed to grasp an audience and got only one season. It did get a DVD release, which is more than I can say for Manimal.

Next up, an iconic barbarian as filtered through a low-budget action show in syndication. Will this be gory or god-awful? Stay tuned...

Eddy Woody: One-Million AC/DC

I almost feel bad writing about this movie. I mean, this movie represents the penultimate low in Ed Wood's life and career. In case you are wondering, the lowest point is actually appearing in porn. No, I'm not watching any of those movies! Let me put this film in the proper perspective for you. The movie's most recent- possibly only- DVD release comes as a two-pack with a film called The Mighty Gorga. This is an awful, low-budget rip-off of King Kong. In spite of that, I would rather watch that film than AC/DC, even if I was having my teeth pulled during the process! Even so, I have to close up the series of Ed Wood reviews somehow. This is going to be the Trancers V of the bunch, so check out my review of...

One-Million AC/DC

I almost feel ashamed describing the 'plot' of this movie. Claiming that this movie has anything close to a plot is an embarrassment to anyone who has ever written anything. In spite of that, I will go on. Basically, a bunch of cavemen live in the jungle and hump each other. On the plus side, it does not have a scene of horses humping each other like The Beast in Space. Of course, the people pretending to have sex on screen are not much better. The men look permanently-stoned or just out of it. The women are all anorexic and listless. As I stated in my original review of the movie, all eroticism goes out the window when you can 'count the women's protruding rib bones from space!' There is really not much more to the film than that, really. It's not like there is a terrible comedy hidden in this movie's dark, disgusting crevices. Wait, why is there a paragraph break here if I'm right?

*

I lied a bit when I said there was not any more to this movie. The film's other plot involves a dinosaur that is wandering around the area near them. The Elders take time away from humping women (not much, mind you) to select some champions to kill the beast. They send him away with a brief bit of poetry that is utterly awful and actually causes pain to listen to. Thankfully, Something Weird decided to put this as a stinger on every menu for the film. Screw you hard, guys! By means of some of the worst special effects of all time, they manage to defeat the beast, but not without some casualties. Oh and somewhere a horny ape gets involved. You know what, rather than write any more about this film, enjoy a collection of screen captures from it. At least you'll laugh at them.

So yeah, this movie is pure awfulness to the core. It's not erotic, it's not funny and it's not entertaining. It is just painful to watch. This is not a Stephen C. Apostolof film either, because that would at least make it interesting. Instead, this is by a man named Ed De Priest, an ironic name for a man who solely made porn if there ever was one. As I mentioned before, this is the period when Ed would do anything to pay for his low-rent apartment and booze. As such, he wrote screenplays like this, The Snow Bunnies and Five Loose Women for people like De Priest. In case your morbid curiosity overtakes you like it did with me, let me say this again: this movie is awful and should not be seen by anyone. I hope my sacrifice of sanity will help keep you safe.

*

Up next, an overlooked zombie classic creates a sequel that is only famous for its poster. How is the actual film though? Stay tuned...

Magical Moments of Cinema: Gettin' Lucky

The fact that I have neglected to review this movie so far amazes me to this day. Look for a review of it next year on the proper day for it. Ah well, I have plans for it today...

Basically, a nerdy guy has the hots for an alright 80s chick, but has no chance. Fortunately, he discovers a drunken leprechaun who can use his magic powers to help him. Unfortunately, he is a DRUNKEN leprechaun and can't do his magic right. This leads us to the most infamous moment of the film...

While trying to fix his bike, our hero wishes that he had a smaller wrench. The magic creature 'helps' him by shrinking him down instead. The girl rides off, but he is on her seat. As the trip goes, he ends up...in her shorts. If you ever wanted to see a woman be stimulated by a tiny man, this is your chance. By the way, they made a scale double for the 'giant landscape.' Best movie to be in the art department or worst movie to be in the art department- you decide.

Next up, I pay tribute to a movie that I love to hate. It has a little boy in a magic world, although it is not Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings or Eragon. It's...something to behold. Stay tuned...

The Real White Meat: The Flesh Eaters

I won't lie- this movie has no cannibals. However, it is a movie about flesh-eating bacteria, so I'm allowing it. More importantly, it is weird and obscure- my favorite! This is a quirky little film that is most notable for using Dutch Angles in a non-art film. Fun fact: the Dutch Angle is actually the Deutsch Angle, as in German Angle. It comes from German expressionist films, but we just grew too lazy to pronounce the 'e' and the 's.' By the way, if you don't know what a Dutch Angle is, just watch the Batman live-action show or Battlefield Earth. This movie is also considered one of the first gore films, sharing the prize with 1963's Blood Feast. Can this live up to H.G. Lewis' ode to Egyptian cannibalism? Find out in my review of...

The Flesh Eaters

The film revolves an aging and bitchy Hollywood starlet who needs someone to fly the shy assistant and herself to Provincetown. To do this, they need a big, tough male to pilot the plane for him. Our characterizations are not going to get any more subtle, so just go with it. Unfortunately, the plane ride of cliched characters is forced to land on a small island because of a storm. It could be worse- she could be a lazy bitch who hates everyone. Oh right, she is. Our trio runs into a fourth man, who turns out to be a scientist who lives on the island to do research. Plus, he has a German accent, so he can't be up to any good. I just hope his research is not secretive and that he does not get defensive when people ask him about it. Dammit, wrong again! Things get worse as mysterious skeletons start to wash up on the shore. In addition, the water has a weird glow to it. Oh no, they're in New Jersey!

*

Things start to escalate as the rope holding the plane on the island gets cut and the thing floats away. Our heroes finally figure out that the water is the culprit behind most of their troubles. As our villain explains in a monologue, he was a biologist sent to Germany to uncover their scientific processes. This brings up the controversial aspect of the film as the Nazi experiments were cut from the original release, but offered back on as a DVD extra. Anyhow, he wanted to create some killer bacteria to use in the military, but they said 'no.' Instead, he fled to an island and continued to make them in secrecy. Just think- his work would later go on to try and kill Dustin Hoffman in Outbreak. To make matters scarier, a beatnik shows up floating on a raft. Go away, Dobie Gillis! This character is sort of an odd addition and does not really add anything to the proceedings. Thankfully, the movie managed to hear me and killed him off. Thanks, movie.

*

The whole thing gets out of control as everyone realizes that the monster bacteria has to be kept in line. They come up with a good plan- electrocute it. Unfortunately, that sort of backfires and creates a giant monster out of the microbes. Needless to say, this is not a good thing. Fortunately, the crazy scientist does what all crazy scientists do and goes too far. His whole 'God complex' leads him to try and battle the monster himself. I'll thank your corpse later, buddy. In a bit of lazy writing, the monster is vulnerable to human blood, which helps our surviving heroes win the day. It's sad that people died, but at least it was the bitchy actress, the beatnik and the bad guy. The End.

*

This is a good movie, but also a quirky one. On one hand, the silly characterizations are fun and make the movie seem campy. On the other hand, however, the characterizations are so rudimentary that you feel insulted by them at times. In spite of that, the movie makes a great use of its real, outdoors setting. If you have ever been in the Cape Cod area, you have seen and/or been on an island like this. The sense of familiarity mixed with the suspense of a freaky monster works well. The movie's low-budget effects will either make you love it or hate it. Some of them hold up pretty well, while others stand out as just plain silly. If you like a bizarre, Roger Corman-style movie, definitely check this weird baby out.

*

Next up, the conclusion of my documentation of Ed Wood's fall from marginal success. How far can he fall? How about a sex comedy with cavemen? Stay tuned...

70s Trash- Hercules in New York

You can sometimes set your expectations properly just by reading a movie title. You get a movie called Frankenhooker (which I will when it is back in print) and know what to expect. In a similar way, this movie tells you everything you need to know. The bulk of the plot is solely built around the idea of the mythical Greek- or Roman here- character walking around the big city. In case you don't know, this movie is also the debut film of one Arnold Schwarzenegger. There were a couple issues at the time with casting him though. First off, that last name had to go. Good-bye Schwarzenegger, hell Strong. Secondly, that voice was way too hard to understands, so hello voice-dubbing...but only for him. Just to add to the weirdness, his co-star is a nebbish character actor named Arnold Stang- his actual name, mind you. As much as I want to stall, I can't put off my review of...

Hercules in New York

The story begins on Mount Olympus...in spite of the film being too cheap to give us an establishing shot of it...with Zeus having to deal with his half-God son. Basically, the guy is bored in Central Park...er, Mount Olympus and wants to go to Earth. The dad says 'no,' so Hercules...asks him 600 more times. Finally, dad gets so mad that he throws a bent piece of tin-foil...er, a lightning bolt at his son. No effect later and Hercules is seen falling alongside a plane window. To review- Hercules makes his dad mad by demanding to be allowed to go to Earth, so his dad blasts him to Earth. Our hero is picked up by a cargo ship and taken aboard. Being a mindless sack of meat, he proceeds to tell everyone that he is Hercules and should be in charge of everything due to his genetic background. He fits in really well. This only works because our sailor are so poorly-written that they just assume he is a Greek man, in spite of his thick Austrian accent. Plus, no Greek person I've ever met as ever looked that Aryan. Anyhow, he acts like a jerk to everyone. This is going to be a long film, isn't it?

*

Back on the shore, he picks a fight with the crew again and is pulled to safety by a small, Jewish man who sells pretzels. After a wacky bit with a cab driver picking a fight with the man who is a giant, knotted muscle, our jerk of a hero is given a tour of the city. They walk by a park and Hercules laughs at people training for Olympic sports like the discus. He decides to show them up, proving that he is not exactly a nice guy. Incidentally, I watched the 'un-dubbed' version, so I had to deal with Arnold's mumbled delivery, making this even more fun. A coach and his daughter scout him, although the idea of him being an Olympian vanishes faster than a bottle of HGH around this day's Arnold. After beating up her boyfriend twice, the woman falls for Hercules, based solely on his looks. Why is the bad Jewish stereotype the most reasonable character here? The first date with Hercules ends with the strongman battling an escaped bear- which runs on two legs for no reason. In case you had not guessed, this is a man in a suit that would look more fitting in a Conan O'Brien skit from 1998. All the while, the other Gods are watching Herc via a crystal ball. Thanks for grounding me, stupid cliches.

*

Back in Park Olympus, Zeus decides to pressure Hercules to come back. Mercury is sent down, but can't convince our steroid-ridden hero. Angry, the King of the Gods sends Nemesis down to take Hercules to Hades for 100 years. She is stopped by Hera, however, who makes her steal the man's strength. Around this time, Hades makes a big bet on a weight-lifting challenge between Hercules and a black strongman. Ah the 1970s, where variety shows could get away with featuring weight-lifting challenges. Bereft of his powers, Hercules fails to dead-lift a 1,000 lb bar, although the other guy does! That is still the most logical part of the film. Since the gangsters lost money by betting on Hercules, they chase him in broad daylight to kill him! This gives us the movie's signature chase scene involving two cars, a chariot driven by Herc, a man dressed like Tarzan and a hot dog vendor with a hand-full of sauerkraut. Wow, did I just write that? It all culminates in a badly-choreographed fight scene, which turns against our hero. Fortunately, Mercury turns the tide by sending in some back-up: Atlas and Samson. Wait, did I just say 'Samson?' Yeah, they went there. Our hero decides to return to Olympus and leaves everyone behind. The film ends with Zeus making the trip himself. The End.

*

Yeah, it's no wonder that Arnold tries to downplay this film. It's bad, mostly in an un-amusing way. Don't get me wrong- there are some laughs to be had. However, a good majority of them are built around Arnold delivering lines, so they're a bit hard to distinguish. To the DVD's credit, you can watch the movie in the original form, with Arnold dubbed in English, in French, German or Spanish. However, this movie is still a really badly-done comedy full of bad actors. Arnold looks the part of the muscular hero, but has an easier time passing a budget in California than attempting to act in this movie. He spends most of the movie being a jerk, which is supposed to be alleviated by one speech at the end. Why does he have so many friends? On top of that, the 'fights' are about as well-choreographed as your local backyard wrestling show full of stroke victims! That said, I don't regret watching this movie. It's a big pile of fluff that does not aim high. That's good, because they don't even get close to that.

*

Up next, a b-movie that combines beatniks, Nazis and Gilligan's Island. Stay tuned...