Quintology: Trancers IV

It must be nice to live life by Full Moon standards. If your work does not cost too much, it can be average in most ways and make a little profit. Imagine if Wall Street worked like that. Oh wait, their system is even more screwed up. Well, that's enough political commentary for today. Let's jump right into the pile of low-budget film-making that is...

Trancers IV: Jack of Swords

Yeah, they somehow made a stupider subtitle. Stupidity is its own reward.

*

The film begins with Jack returning from one of his time-travel adventures. When asked, he reveals that Shark (the lizard-robot thing from Trancers III) was killed in battle. Nice knowing you, random character with no back-story. Other than a sight gag where Jack has the thing's head plugged in as a lamp (no, really), he is gone. But wait, there is more. You recall how Jack's dead-wife-in-another-body-from-the-past is in the present (our future) with him and that our hero is now single (after being dumped in Trancers III)? Well, forget that too. Some random council member (he has a name, but I don't care) is now with her and says that Jack 'should have known that this was coming.' Well, of course he did. It was the gap between movies, which automatically kills any love-life he may have.

*

Jack goes out drinking and randomly hits on some lady. When she turns him down, he gets all 'I know women like you' and she leaves. Lo and behold, he runs into her the next day- as his new weapon's designer. That black lady from the Council from Trancers 1-3 is gone with no explanation too, by the way. Should have seen that coming, huh? While in his tube to jump to another incident, a random monster that Jack killed re-spawns...somehow and a struggle breaks out. This sends his 'ship' (which is basically one of those pods that astronauts land in) off-course and he vanishes. Jack arrives in a new world and finds his way home smashed. His train of thought is interrupted by a lady being attacked by a man in a bad Renaissance Faire outfit. By the way, we changed genres just now. His new plasma gun does nothing and our hero nearly dies. Through sheer luck, he kills the guy and moves on.

*

This is basically what you need to know: Jack is in a dimension called Orpheus (subtle, movie) where trancers are rich nobles that suck life energy from commoners. Yes, they are in fact energy vampires. The lack of a naked lady version is a big oversight by the film. Their leader is a pompous noble who does all of his acting in his face and nowhere else. His son is rejecting the ways of the trancer and the lady chosen for him by daddy.

*

Meanwhile, Jack meets The Tunnel Rats aka the most generic group of freedom fighters in movie history. Our hero still gets captured and, in the process, learns that his favorite gadget- the long-second watch- does not work right anymore. Actually, they don't explain what is wrong with it until Trancers V. In this movie, he just moves in slow-motion, giving us no idea why. The resistance rescues Jack, leading up to the big fight. Son betrays father and father dies...at least until the sequel/second-half. The End.

*

This movie is...odd. The future plays a super-tiny part and the majority of it was shot in the woods of Romania. Jack- and by proxy Tim- looks very out-of-place in the setting, which works both for and against the movie. On top of that, the idea that trancers are now vampiric nobles is an odd choice. Our hero catches on to this idea in a rather quick and convenient manner, almost as if he is trying to tell us that everything will be alright. Incidentally, this movie- as well as Trancers V- was written by Peter David, a comic book writer most famous for a 10-year run on 'The Incredible Hulk.' None of his talent ended up here. The movie is an interesting diversion, but far more forgettable than any other Trancers film.

*

Big finish! Big finish! Even if this movie is mostly a re-tread, I say BIG FINISH. Stay tuned...

Quintology: Trancers III

Who would have thought the movie could go this long? No, really. People had to wonder where the demand for these films was coming from. The budgets did not get any better and the scripts did not exactly get any better. Is Tim Thomerson just that good at playing an Alpha Male jerk? Regardless, they made more and I am going to review them...dammit. Let us jump right into the muck that is...

Trancers 3: Deth Lives

You know how much I love pun titles/subtitles by now. This one is just...well, silly.

*

In the present of 1992, the action has died down and Jack Deth has become a private eye. Unfortunately, during the break between movies, his marriage to Helen Hunt (I'm not going to say her character's name EVER) is on the rocks. As we will learn later, Jack has bad luck in the gap between films. Why must his love life be the biggest victim of lazy screenwriting? After stopping a liquor store robbery a la Cobra/Black Cobra/Best of the Best 4, he is knocked out and taken to the future by a big, ugly robot. In this future, the Trancers have risen back to power...somehow. With both former leaders dead (Whistler and his brother in 1 and 2) and no new leader shown, how did this happen again? Oh yeah, McNulty died at some point before Jack showed up too. At least his dead-now-living-wife-in-another-body is there still.

*

The Council has big plans for Jack: send him back to 2005 (but forward from where he was and, aw screw it!) to stop the new uprising. How did this uprising happen before and they not know it? Good question. Anyhow, they send him there and he has to find out what the source of the new trancers are. His question is answered pretty quickly in a scene set in, you guessed it, a strip club. A bunch of military men are in on an experiment that enhances strength and power. One of them goes a bit overboard and an American Ninja II-style bar fight breaks out. To put an end to the fight, the man has to be killed, but not before he 'trances.' This scares off the newest recruit, who runs to the nearest press she can find. Guess who that is.

*

Jack meets up with Helen Hunt again, only to find that she is re-married and has a kid. All of this because he never came back. Of course, given how time-travel works, he could easily jump back and undo all of this. Anyhow, she is hiding the young woman, who agrees to lead Jack to the compound. Incidentally, said compound is located in the same building as the strip club. Way to be inconspicuous. The leader of the experiment is a strange general who is also a Southerner and a scientist. Man, that guy is a triple-threat. He is played by Andrew Robinson, who you will either know as a guy from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine or the Scorpio Killer from Dirty Harry. He was also the lieutenant in Cobra, so this film is clearly the high-point for him. He tries to be both quirky and menacing, but tends to only pull off one of them. Feel free to guess which one I mean.

*

Jack and the lady break into the base, only to be captured. The villains dare to try and convert Jack into a trancer, which is a big no-no. He escapes and the pair proceed to walk down the hallway shooting...and shooting some more. This goes on for about five minutes before the young woman begins to transform. Jack kills her without question, although the movie tries to spin this positively. Just in time, the lizard robot shows up again and helps out Jack. Unfortunately, his batteries die...for some reason before the final fight. Don't worry, they come back on the second the fight ends. In the interim, our hero manages to get cornered by the villain and saved by another soldier. Um...my hero? He goes back to the future/present and begins a new leg of his journey: a time-jumping defender. Of course, that barely mattered by the time Trancers IV comes out. The End.

*

Well, we're halfway there. Are we living on a prayer? Only time- and David Nutter- will tell. Stay tuned...

Quintology: Trancers II

This one stands out a bit as the odd child of the series, which is saying a lot. Why? Well, this one came six years after the original. What are you- the Rush Hour series? The following films were all released in the following three years, showing that, if nothing else, the series was reliable. Of course, pushing movies out that quickly has a price. Just ask Jesus Franco, or whatever one of his 500 pseudonyms you prefer. So how does the one movie with a long release delay turn out? Find out in my review of...

Trancers II: The Return of Jack Death

The film starts out by wisely acknowledging the time gap. We don't get the 3 year plane ride from Rush Hour II or the five year flight from Rocky V. Jack and his lady have been living the good life as the former-bum's bodyguards. Through some random bit of luck, he became rich and bought a mansion for the three of them. In addition, the pair is married and happy. In the future (which is actually the present of Trancers), the remaining council wants Jack back. The only problem is that his body has calcified (don't ask) and only his descendant's body can be sent to the present. Fuck you, causality! They send Jack's friend McNulty back in his descendant's body again- only this time the girl is actually legal. Also, say good-bye to Art Fleur, since he is written out in Trancers 3.

*

The plot gets a bit more complicated before it gets silly. The Council also sends back an agent with a time machine (try not to laugh at it) to take Jack's body back to the present/future. The only problem: she got lost and the machine got mixed up in the transport. Only the door ends up on the lawn, while the rest of the machine is with our amnesiac agent. Don't ask how the door got separated in travel, BTW- it just did! Our heroine is dumped in an asylum because of the mental problems caused by her trip. Of course, the same asylum proves to be a bigger part of the plot. Basically, it is run by Whistler's brother and is another way to make trancers. As an aside, this film series wasted the opportunity to have the villain in Trancers 3 be Whistler's mother. For shame!

*

The plot gets screwy when Jack rescues the patient and realizes that it is his dead wife in a new body. The Council, you see, rescued her right before her death in battle and sent her back via the time-travel toxin (I still can't get past that). Are his feelings for her stronger than his ones for his wife? Will she get mad when she finds them making out? Will it seem creepy when Tim Thomerson makes out with a 19-year old? Fortunately, any creepiness here is outweighed by Richard Lynch as the villain (looking about 100), Jeffrey Combs as his assistant (complete with 'Mirror Mirror'-style goatee) and Barbara Crampton as the asylum's head mistress. Oh and a bunch of trancers attack Jack, giving him another excuse to use the long-second watch and kill them.

*

Now that we have all the plot out of the way, let's start shooting! Most of the latter quarter of the movie is a series of shoot-outs, fist fights and the like. Helen Hunt gets captured, only to be freed later with no ill-effects. We also get a random scene with hobos that is mostly a pretense for Charles Band (the director's father) and Gordon Hunt (Helen's father) to show-up, not to mention Lynch's son as a cameraman. The choreography is done pretty well, but it never feels like a big-budget action movie. To cut a long story short, Whistler's brother is killed with a flying pitchfork and Jack has to make a decision. He decides to give his wife another shot at life by sending her descendant to the future. You guys are so flippant with time-travel rules, huh? Jack decides to live happily ever after with his wife...at least until Trancers III.

*

This film is good, but it is a bit top-heavy with plot. They try to compensate by filling about 15 minutes straight with action, making the movie feel very strange. The lone trancers scene early on appears to be a way to appease an action-hungry audience. Let's be honest here: we should not judge this like any other movie. It has Lynch, Combs and Crampton as villainous doctors battling a former stand-up comic as a time-stranded cop who acts like a dime novel detective. No real logic is all that applicable. If you are an open-minded person who can accept that this movie cost less than 1 million dollars (if it's more, I would be surprised), you can have some fun. If nothing else, you can see what Oscar nominees do before the fact.

*

Do you like all of the characters and settings? Prepare to be a little disappointed. Stay tuned...

Quintology: Trancers

In the grand tradition of series reviews, I bring you, well, another one. This one is a film series that often goes unremembered by many. Why? Well, there were many gaps in the series' history and a tumultuous bit of cast upheaval as well. Unlike some other film series', there was no guarantee who would be back and who would be gone. Plus, it was made by Full Moon Pictures, who is not exactly Paramount. Well, that ends today. Prepare for a five part series of reviews that will make you say 'viva la Trancers.' We start out with...

Trancers

The film begins with our hero- Jack Deth- arriving at a diner at night for some coffee. He has all the air of a 50s mystery novel character about him. This is supposed to be the cornerstone of the series, although it is only that strong well...here. One of the people in the restaurant 'turns' and becomes a 'Trancer.' Basically, they are the Rage Virus zombies from 28 Weeks Later, only much more low-budget and in a sci-fi setting. When they die, they turn into orange energy and vanish. Gee, that saves money on making corpses. This bit of good news is broken by the revelation that Deth's old enemy Whistler is actually alive (his supposed death takes place in Trancers -1, apparently) and has time-traveled. Why? To kill the Council's ancestors and erase them from history. Sounds good.

*

The Council decides to send Jack back in time- to 1985-, but into the body of his ancestor. Not only did he luck out and have his ancestor not be a quadriplegic, but he is also coming off of a one night stand with Helen Hunt. He adjusts pretty slowly, but, luckily enough for him, a Trancer shows up at Hunt's workplace. She does not take the idea of him killing one of her co-workers and driving off with her- how odd. When he goes into a tanning booth to find one of the descendants, she drives off. After he is knocked down and put into a James Bond-style death trap involving a tanning bed, she has a change of heart...for some reason. He repays the favor a couple of minutes later when they are confronted by Whistler (in the form of a present day cop). Using a 'long-second watch,' he skips past the villains in the blink of an eye. It's nice to have your own Deus Ex Machina, isn't it?

*

Jack is not doing so well and has only one Council member left to save. Unfortunately, the surviving descendant is a drunken ex-baseball player. While searching for him, they take a break to get in all the cliches of an 80s movie. Dance club scene with bad cover band-check. Badly-choreographed fight with punk fans- check. Older hero eventually blending in with 80s culture- big check. Eventually, they find the man, but he is a bum. Whistler is also on his trail and captures Ms. Hunt. He dumps her off of a roof, but Jack manages to save her by using the long-second watch again. Whistler is sent back to the future via the weird time-travel toxin that people are injected with. Unfortunately, Jack is left in 1985...at least until the sequel.

*

This movie is pretty good, although it definitely has to be viewed the right way. The movie is kind of silly, not all the clever and very low-budget. In spite of that, the movie works pretty well with what it has. Tim Thomerson is oddly-entrancing (pun not intended) as the lead, but I can't figure out why. Everyone else is pretty forgettable, although Hunt's 'spunky' character has its own charm as well. Looking back, it is hard to imagine how four films got spun out of this little bit of amusement. Then again, I have already reviewed the fourth Omen and Leprechaun films, so I should not be too harsh. You can do far worse than renting this movie. Believe me, I have!

*

You have to know what comes next, don't you? More zombie-vampires, Tim Thomerson and low-budget action. Stay tuned...

Blockbuster Trash: Flight of the Living Dead

I know what you are thinking: why in God's name would anyone rent a film called this? You realize you are talking to the man who has seen both Satan's Slave and Satan's Baby Doll(both possible reviews in the future). Anyhow, is this film a comedy or a horror film? Obviously, it could be either one with the title. Unfortunately, it is a bit of both. Yeah, that's almost never good. Will this film break the trend through sheer stupidity? Find out in my review of...

Flight of the Living Dead: Outbreak on a Plane

The film begins by introducing us to a bunch of 'douchebags'...err, I mean the cast. We get a pair of young couples who will bother me to no end, a black golfer and his wife (clearly not Tiger Woods), a convict and his Air Marshall 'friend,' a con artist and several others. Why such a big cast? All the better to kill with zombies, my dear! Also on board in the cargo hold is a group of scientists and one woman in a body bag. She is one of the scientists' wife and is infected with a zombie virus born from malaria. Well, if SARS can do it, anything can.

*

The Deus Ex Machina known as turbulence rears its ugly head and the zombie breaks loose from its Hazmat containment. The monster manages to sneak around the GIANT pathways built into the plane by the French Resistance. The reasoning is a joke, but those things are fucking huge! It manages to get a bunch of people as we are 'treated' to some humor and character interaction. I guess if the goal was to make you desire some zombie-related killings, then mission accomplished! The Tiger Woods guy and his wife are the only really likable characters, although the flight attendants are not without their own merit. Wait, I'm being too nice for a sentence or two. Back to the snark!

*

The special effects in the movie are much more 'participation medal' special than 'wow, this is cool' special. The zombie make-up is alright, but they cover so much of it in blood to cover up any problems. In addition, a whole plot element is built around the convict escaping into the tubes of death and discovering the problem. Lots of people get killed and none of them are that good, despite what the film may think. You killed a guy with an umbrella and then popped out the front- interesting idea. In actual execution, it's merely adequate. If you cannot make me interested in your zombie kills, why are you here?

*

This movie is like a slightly-bigger budget Troma film. It thinks that it is funny, scary and has good effects. None of those things are true. Setting a zombie film in a confined location is interesting. Unfortunately, the plane appears to be larger inside than the entire space station in Dracula 3000. Honestly, there are far worse films out there (i.e. Wild Zero, The Gardener). This film is merely adequate in most ways and sub par in others. Don't you expect something sillier or funnier with this movie's title? The fact that it underwhelms so much is just pathetic. Maybe they will have better luck in the sequel that they really, really want to make.

*

What is better than one film? Five films. It would put most people in a Trance, but not me. Stay tuned...

International '80s Trash: Monster Dog

Alice Cooper was practically a horror actor in his own right. During the 70s and early 80s, his stage shows were the stuff of legend. Murder- check. Decapitations- check. Giant snakes for no good reason- big check. So what happened when someone actually made a horror film starring him? Was it Tommy or was it Kiss Meets The Phantom of the Park? Find out in my review of...

Monster Dog

The film begins with a long music video of Alice Cooper. This is actually one of two songs that does not appear on any of his major albums, but does in this movie. Historical significance is on the side of this movie so far, even if the first song is odd. Basically, he is talking about his different moods and naming them after famous characters. This leads to Cooper dressing up in silly outfits to be 'James Bond,' 'Sherlock Holmes' and 'Jack the Ripper.' Oddly, the latter two have a rich history...but that is for another day. This video, which of course takes several set changes and costume flips, is done in one take as the movie would have us believe. Um...how about some plot, movie?

*

We finally get some as Alice and company head to the main character's old hometown to shoot a music video. Evidently, his old, dusty mansion is better than a sound stage. They are stopped by fog and a pesky law enforcement agent. The movie first hints at some strange background related to Alice's family and the town. After the Scooby gang leaves, the two cops are killed by an unseen werewolf and some rottweilers. Monster- check. Monster on screen- eh, not so much. He arrives home to find a big banner, but only one resident: the old butler. He is in no way the butler from Kid Notorious, but he does look similar. The house is worn-in, decrepid and dusty- let's party!

*

They start filming another video- which appears to be right out of a Dario Argento day-dream- before shit goes down. One of the ladies finds the bloody body of the butler (thanks for coming) and shooting, naturally, stops. To make matters worse, Alice is haunted by dreams about his family's past and a really silly-looking painting of his 'ancestor.' The film basically pads itself out a bit with this 'waking dream' thing for a while before the big finish.

*

It is usually nice to have visitors, but not when they are gun-wielding hunters who want you dead. A group of locals lock down the house and decide to kill everyone inside. Why? Because they think that Alice is a werewolf (the family curse). Why everyone else? Just because. Of course, one of the women ran off earlier and Alice followed before all of this happened. All of this leads up to the mother of all gun battles: Alice Cooper vs. Drunken Hicks. The skinny singer who has shown little aptitude for firearms does surprisingly well. Oh yeah, the werewolf shows its ugly head again before the end as well. Will our heroes survive? Will Alice escape the family curse? Will this movie get any more interesting? No, no and a big NO. The End.

*

This movie is really not that good and I can tell you why: Claudio Fragrasso. The man has never made all that good of a film before, as evidenced by Zombie 4 and Hell of the Living Dead (how have I missed this movie?!?). Casting Alice Cooper is a good idea, but they do one very bad one to counteract it: dubbing. You never hear Alice's voice in the film, save for the two songs. It is as jarring as hearing the real lady in Walk The Line after listening to Reese Witherspoon. This is also on par with Hercules in the Haunted World not getting Christopher Lee to do his English dubbing for the U.S. release. The DVD also has a very bad VHS transfer to boot, taking any polish off of the sub par effects. Aside from the novelty of seeing Alice Cooper in a horror film (he did a couple more BTW), this film is just not worth it. I'd rather just listen to School's Out for 90 minutes.

*

Horror films with pun titles are almost never good. This will be no exception. Stay tuned...

Deep Space Crazies: Dracula 3000

You just know that a movie with this title is not going to be good. There is no way that this movie is going to be the next Citizen Kane, Casablanca or Porky's II: The Next Day. But can it be entertaining in any way? Can the sheer audacity used in the casting of so many bad actors make it good through sheer force of insanity? Find out in my review of...

Dracula 3000: Infinite Darkness

The film begins with Udo Kier's ugly mug being weird and creepy. He yells out sadly as the ship announces that it will not self-destruct. 'Oh no, I will live another day...only to be killed in such films as Cigarette Burns and Mother of Tears.' We are next introduced to a cast of space castaways led by Casper Van Dien. Well, in as much as anyone can be led by Casper Van Dien. Their introductions feel straight out of an 80s cartoon show. We get a drug-addict, a bitchy lady, a scared lady, a smart guy and a big dumb guy. This is the quality we get, people.

*

Basically, the crew wants to make some mo-ney by bringing in a ship that has been missing for 50 years. Through a series of increasingly-hammy video logs, we find out why. Meanwhile, our crew lightheartedly jokes about things like pretending to die and chasing each other like a monster. Ha ha ha...inappropriate. They eventually uncover the body of a man who has been mummified...somehow and has tied both of his hands to a chair...somehow. We get the first hints of vampires in the movie...which is not really a secret. Dracula's name is in the damn title!

*

The first one to be converted is Coolio, er...I mean, 187. He revives himself, looking a little different. His super-strength is a new feature, as is his ability to make really lude and stupid come-ons to Erika Eleniak. Thanks for constantly talking about how attractive she is movie- it's not like it was in her contract. We are then treated to the most outdated and silly-looking Count possible ever put on screen. Even amongs the shitty spaceship designs (count how many times you get the same hallway), the laziness of his design is just bad. Plus, when you can stand out as being stupid looking in a cast of only seven people (I don't count Udo's bits), that is saying a lot. He does not do much, save for cry like a little bitch later on.

*Unlike Detention, this movie has no qualms about killing its cast. Coolio dies after his 600th bad line (too late, movie), while the unnecessary Mina dies off-screen the first time. She makes an appearance later, looking like a reject from Queen of the Damned. They even kill of Van Dien's Van Helsing because...err, I guess they thought it was clever. Hey, however you want to kill off the star of Starship Troopers 3: Marauder, I can live with. Dracula looks menacing enough, but does all of his action off-camera as well. Major deaths, real action and Erika's boob fail to make actual appearances in the movie, so what's the point? Oh and the ending is immensely-stupid. Not only that, but it is really drawn out. Make your dumb joke and end, movie. The End.

*

This movie is really, really bad. It stars Coolio, the guy from Starship Troopers, the other lady from Baywatch and a guy who is only famous for being the villain from No Holds Barred. Throw in everyone's favorite scary German in a pointless and thankless role & you have some utter crap. What else could you possibly expect from this film? The second you see this crappy box on the shelf you have to think 'this is going to be painful.' You are right- it is. That said, the film is so utterly immersed in terrible quality that it is kind of funny. Not funny enough though.

*

What happens when you put a horror-based singer in a horror film? Nothing good this time. Stay tuned...

Edit: I could not get this out on time Friday night due to a combination of work and 'rocking.' As such, I will 'double-post' today to keep my schedule and all my readers happy. Have fun, my baker's dozen.

Moon Over Miami: Dollman vs. Demonic Toys

Full Moon is like Troma, only they are actually adequate filmmakers. Their films tend to have silly, but less bizarre titles than the New Jersey competitors. Does Evil Bong really match up to Poultreygeist? Despite them making what I feel is one of the worst movies of all time (Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys), I still watch their movies. So what happens when not one, not two but THREE of their films sync up? Find out in my review of...

Dollman vs. Demonic Toys

The film begins by immediately tying into the first Dollman movie. Their lead- Brick Bardo- is wandering into a new town after the events of the first movie. Showing the kind of luck that has gotten him into all of his previous messes, he shows up in the town that birthed the Demonic Toys. What- you couldn't find Pleasant Valley? As luck would have it, he also runs into the diminutive nurse from Bad Channels. She is a cute lady, but plagued by people looking for a story. In yet another plot setup, the lady detective from Demonic Toys is convinced that the evil was not eliminated last time and will return. One bleeding hobo in a toy factory later and she is proven right.

*

Naturally, all three of our heroes meet up and decide to do something. It doesn't help that our lady detective's comrades think that she is crazy when no evidence shows up. All of them go into the toy factory, but find a lot of resistance. For one thing, there are new Demonic Toys, including a giant toy soldier that comes after Xtro, but before Small Soldiers. Oh and they converted the factory's midget bodyguard into an agent of Satan. No, really. The battle gets intense and our lady character dies, apparently having too many other projects to work with. How will our heroes win now?

*

Oh shit, we're almost done and I need this to be longer. I know, I'll do what the filmmakers did: pad it! Because the movie is a culmination of three films technically, they felt the need to explain all of them. You get Bardo explaining the whole plot of Dollman via film clips, followed a bit later by the Nurse explaining the entire plot of Bad Channels with clips of her own. Near the end, the Toys' leader gives us an explanation of their backstory through, wait for it, clips from the entire movie. Actually, I should not be negative. I was just saved the experience of having to watch three whole movies. I could just do reviews from these clips.

*

No, I'm not going to.

*

Fortunately, Dollman is very good at kicking ass, because his girlfriend's skill set appears to consist entirely of reacting, screaming and running. Thanks for nothing, honey. He takes out most of the major toys with his laser gun...which still has plenty of ammunition. He eventually gets captured and the giant Baby villain sets his plans in motion. He ties down the Nurse (who was re-captured for like the 8th time) and explains that his plans involve a little hanky-panky. Thanks to a magic spell, he is human. Naturally, the lady just kicks him in his newly real balls. He gets shot by Dollman and the threat is ended. Or is it?!? It stayed away for a while until...that movie that I hate. The threat of a new Demonic Toys movie is lingering on the horizon like a shark's fin as well.

*

The movie is honestly not bad, but there is very little substance. You get roughly twenty minutes of character and story set-up, twenty minutes of rehashed footage and explanation & twenty-ish minutes of action. Yeah, the movie is barely over an hour long. Get used to this with Full Moon films. The entire Trancers series is the equivalent length of the first two Lord of the Rings movies...and not the Director's Cut versions. If you can accept that the film is short, pulpy and not all that deep, you can have a good time. It is by far the best film whose title includes the words 'Vs. Demonic Toys.'

*

Let us combine two of our favorite things: vampires and space. Stay tuned...

International '80s Trash: Pieces

The fact that I have never reviewed this movie is a dramatic oversight on my part. Hopefully, this will make up for that. This movie came into my life a couple months before I had a site and thus was left in limbo. No more! Allow me to shock and amaze with my review of...

Pieces

The film begins with a pretty famous opening scene amongst horror aficionados like myself. A young men has his naked lady jigsaw puzzle smashed by his mom and all of his dirty magazines stolen. Oh that bitch has to die! Faster than you can say 'matricide,' the lady gets hacked up with an axe. The police come in and find the kid covered in blood. Did he go to jail? An asylum? We have to wait to find out because we get the opening credits.

*

The film jumps ahead forty years...for some reason and we get a modern (as of 1982) college campus. One young woman is out studying on the grass when, out of nowhere, chainsaw decapitation! Are you awake yet? Naturally, the police are a bit miffed by this, especially when the head remains missing. We get the first of many shots of a man in his study. He place the head on a wall, evidently part of a bigger thing. All will be revealed later, kiddies.

*

After another murder and missing body part set, the police decide to send someone undercover at the school to find out who the killer is. Naturally, they pick a famous tennis star (no, really) to go in as...herself...as the new tennis coach. Police intelligence is the real oxymoron! She is played by Lynda Day George, wife of Christopher George (of Grizzly fame)- who also stars in the movie as the police captain. We get a second lead as well in a very Jewish-looking young man who is apparently a 'player.' 90-lb Torah readers really get college girls all wet, I guess. He gets in on the investigation and tries to help.

*

This movie is defined by two things: incompetent law enforcement and vicious killings. One girl gets stuck in an elevator and cut up badly, while another is cornered in the bathroom. The latter is killable because our heroes are off trying to find out why the P.A. is blaring loudly. They completely miss the killing and the villain's exit. Good job saving nobody, guys! The whole thing builds up to our killer's master plan: making a human doll. Unfortunately for the last girl, her legs prove to be too short to fit into the shoes set up for it properly. Not only were her legs cut off with a chainsaw while she was still alive, but she died for nothing. I guess the killer needs one final piece. How about the lovely legs of a tennis star?

*

I will spoil the ending for you here. Read at your own risk.

*

We learn that the school Principal is actually the killer. How has he hid his insanity for years and risen to such prominence for forty years? They don't say. He knocks out the tennis star and gets ready to complete his work. Fortunately, our Jewish hero has solved the case and rushes to her aid. They manage to shoot him in the head, killing him instantly. They inadvertently uncover the corpse doll (a lovely effects shot) and figure everything out...sort of. As our young hero goes to leave, we get the mother of all inexplicable shock endings.

*

The doll (which is made up of different woman's parts and simply sewn together) suddenly comes to life and grabs our hero by the balls. What...the...hell?!?!?

*

This movie is great. It is played like a classic giallo (no doubt showing the international influence) and is all about solving the case. All of our killings are done in first-person perspective and give us plenty of gore. The pacing is solid and the killings are shown in the right amount of detail for all of you gore-hounds. You can practically walk through a couple of the plot holes and the acting is fairly average. Edmund Purdom shows what he is worth though, which will be more apparent in one of my future Christmas-time reviews. The DVD release by Grindhouse Productions is solid and features a lovely 'audience reaction' track. A solid rental for forgiving horror fans that love, love, love gore.

*

Let's switch gears from the gore and focus on dolls. These are the ones that shoot you though and only one tiny man can help us. Stay tuned...

Crap D'Italia: Dawn of the Mummy

I know what you are thinking: this title sounds familiar...but it also doesn't. I will explain why that is. This movie was marketed as a tie-in to Dawn of the Dead, hence the title. This was extremely common back in the day and is also annoying. This movie has nothing to do with Romero's classic (overrated as its social commentary may be). It is a weird mix of the Mummy film and the zombie film. The result...is interesting to say the least. How interesting? Find out in my review of...

Dawn of the Mummy

Our story begins with a bunch of tomb raiders (not the hot kind) breaking into an Egyptian tomb. The lone American (don't ask the film to explain this) warns them not to go in until morning. Why? Because the tomb is rigged with poison gas and that is the real 'curse of the mummies.' Of course, both of them wander in while the other man is asleep and get exactly what is coming to them. So, the horror is based solely on people being dumb-asses? That sounds about right.

*

The plot proper begins with two divergent plot-lines. On one side, you have a fresh pair of robbers working with the American. On the other, we have a group of models and a photographer driving around Egypt on a fashion shoot. When the models wander too close, one of the dumb robbers shoots at them. This, naturally, makes the models wander over to the tomb that is supposed to be robbed in secret. Yeah, wander aimlessly towards the gunfire. This is when the real stupid shit happens. The models decide that the tomb would make for a great location and the armed robbers can do nothing to stop the 98-lb women. Why?!?

*

The tomb's new visitors treat it with the dignity and respect that it truly deserves. By that, I mean they stomp all around the place and set up lighting rigs. To each his own, I suppose. After dilly-dallying about for a while, some mysterious things start to happen. The movie shows us this with random shots of coffin lids moving a little and other such exciting action. If you like women standing around and posing, inter-cut with random things happening that are unrelated, this is your movie.

*

The movie picks up about forty minutes in or so. A mummy finally rises, but does not immediately go on a rampage. Like the movie, he is not in a hurry to go anywhere or do anything. A couple of people die here and there, plus we get some more footage of some crazy, screeching lady that played a part earlier. One poor makeup girl gets mummy ooze (not what you're thinking) on her right hand and it burns her. Meanwhile, the mummy still does not do all that much, but his zombie-ish henchmen get fairly active. Do I really need to tell you how this movie ends? Have you not seen this movie six times over already?

*

This movie is fairly-entertaining...if you can be forgiving. The movie breaks no molds, save for the inclusion of a mummy into the mix. The fact that they actually shot some scenes in Egypt is a nice touch. As we learned in Manhattan Baby (a future review for sure), that is just not enough to save a movie though. When you really look into the other works by this director, you learn where to set your expectations. His other film of note: Queen Kong. That says it all, really.

*

What is a better mix than Spaniards and chainsaws? Nothing! Stay tuned...

Zombie-A-Go-Go: Zombie Lake

We should know by now not to ignore the French and their contribution to horror cinema. Back in the 70s, we had the works of Jean Rollin, the man behind The Grapes of Death and today's review. Nowadays, we have films such as Inside and Frontier(s). Did this film turn out to be a classic or is it just another brainless movie? Find out in my review of...

Zombie Lake

The film begins with a young woman wandering over to a lake and immediately disrobing. Complete, full-frontal nudity in the first 60 seconds of the movie- check. She swims around for a few moments, while the film indulges in a long series of 'up-skirt' shots...only she is not wearing a skirt. The self-indulgent porn scene ends with a crappy zombie coming up from the bottom of the...heh heh lake and kills her. More on that later.

*

We get another killing or two before a reporter comes to town. She asks the town's mayor about the mysterious events. He proceeds to give her an answer that involves twenty minutes of exposition footage. That is what I call a long answer! Basically, the town was overrun by Nazis and they killed them. Fortunately or unfortunately, love bloomed between one Nazi and one lady...which leads to another scene of female nudity. I guess there are worse ways to be redundant. They have a kid, but the guy is still dead.

*

I would be remiss without mentioning the most ridiculous scene of all...which is noteworthy in this film. A girl's volleyball team pulls up to the lake and decides to stop. Two of them strip down and hop in the lake. Of course, three naked women in the lake is not enough for Jean Rollin, so the rest of them join in. This scene is just as self-indulgent as the previous one and actually goes on longer. It also ends the same way...making it pretty pointless. Pointless nudity- check. Oh and some policemen from out of town show up. The wet, muck-covered zombies that have been dead for ten years somehow sneak up on them and kill them too. Thanks for coming to the film guys.

*

The townspeople finally decide to rise up and kill the zombies. Unfortunately, this proves to be pointless as their guns and bullets have no effect on them. Literally- they have no effect on them. Evidently, the film could not afford squibs or fake blood that doesn't pour out of the neck. Then again, the townspeople are so inept that they could just be missing the whole time. While this is happening, we get another subplot with the zombie and his daughter. He shows up and she instantly trusts him when she is shown a necklace that once belonged to her mother. He later saves her from the other zombies...after bringing her to them. Wait, what?

*

You aren't really expecting a strong finish here, are you? The girl lures the zombies to a mill with a bucket full of fresh blood. Where that comes from is anyone's guess. Oh and the reporter dies in the midst of all this for no good reason. Once in the mill, the zombies are all burned to death as the girl cries. This is all so emotional. Except for all the killing and buck naked women, that is. The End.

*

As if my screen captures (hopefully a recurring feature) does not make it clear, this movie sucks. The 'lake' is obviously a badly-covered pool when you get under the water. Would it have killed you to make the lake look blue or the water look green? Here's a thought: you could have used a green filter! Considering how crappy the writing, pacing and hap-hazard make-up work is here, that is asking too much. When you get a film called Lake of the Living Dead (the translated French title), you get exactly what is coming to you: suck.

*

Do you like zombie films but only like them set in Egypt? I have some good news for you then. Stay tuned...

Special: Happy Birthday to Me

I love how things work out sometimes. I was looking for a special themed review for this once-a-year occasion and this just popped up. As a bonus, I found it on a certain video-posting website for free, meaning that I did not have to interrupt my Queue for it. Well, enough talk. Let me get right down to my review of...

Happy Birthday to Me

The film starts off with a random girl-in-peril scene. We get some clues to her identity through some random conversation and a scarf that we will see a lot more of. In a rare scene for a slasher film, the first death takes a while. She runs, scampers and generally puts up a fight. But, faster than you can say 'how did he get in front of her,' the mysterious villain cuts her off and then cuts her down. Ha ha ha...wordplay.

*

Now we get the actual plot and the introduction to our characters. Nobody is exactly breaking the mold of teen horror cliches, unfortunately. We get the popular girls, the introverted girl, the jock, the asshole or two and the weird kid with a rat. No, it's not Ben! They hang out at a local pub congregated by jerky older men. Naturally, our heroes pick a fight with them and run away. That will show them...that you are cowards. They proceed to embark on a strange game of trying to make it across the rising bridge as it ascends. One of them wisely 'chickens out' and the other jumps in a move that destroys the front of his car. Of course, the vehicle still runs and nobody is hurt. Well, physically.

*

As we eventually learn, the introverted girl has had some history. For a long time, she did not fit in. She could get no friends to show up for her 17th birthday because a better, cooler party was taking place the same night. Her mom drives her over and tries to get her in, but to no avail. During the harsh rain, they get stuck on the ascending bridge- way to re-use sets!- and their car falls in. Her mother dies, but she- of course- lives. She has weird fugue states where she blacks out, but I'm sure that it is unrelated to the killings.

*

The film has some interesting killings, but they are not all the graphic. Plus, they are over very quickly. In a way, the film is almost a tease of a film...until the end. One guy get stabbed with a shish kabob (as on the poster) and another is crushed by his bench press...after a weight is dropped onto his groin. Talk about a painful death! Many of the other ones are a disappointment or not shown at all. All of this builds up to a pretty interesting ending actually.

*

Spoilers here. If you are a pussy or actually have not seen this movie, skip ahead.

*

In the end, our heroine gets kidnapped and ends up in a room full of corpses. All of her so-called friends are there now, along with someone that looks just like her. They struggle and the other girl's amazingly life-like mask comes off. She reveals her master plan: kill all of the teens (done) and kill her, making it appear like a murder-suicide. Our heroine wrests the knife away and stabs her. Unfortunately, her psychologist shows up after that and makes the wrong conclusion. Dun dun dun!

*

The film is pretty good. The killings are a bit lackluster when compared to a Friday the 13th or even My Bloody Valentine. It is one of those rare ones that is all about the mystery of the killer and the ending reveal. Of course, the remake is on the horizon and all of that will be changed. They will probably cast some hand-off from Dawson's Creek or One Tree Hill too. Until then, enjoy this movie for what it's worth...for free.

*

Let's return to one of my favorite genres: the bad zombie film. Stay tuned...

Holiday Fun: Masters of Horror- The Washingtonians

I really liked this series. Unfortunately, as a non-Showtime viewer, I had to wait for the DVDs. This sort of ruined the 'sit in and be scared' atmosphere a bit, but the episodes were usually at least solid. I actually intend to cover my favorite 'episodes' of the show in the future. In the meantime, enjoy my holiday-themed review of...

The Washingtonians

This whole thing is done in a bit of a tongue-in-cheek manner. I say that to make sure that nobody has the wrong impression from the get-go.

*

The story begins with a young man uncovering some mysterious items amongst his grandmother's possessions after her death. One is a creepy note accredited to George Washington and the other is a fork that appears to be made out of human bone. Both items are found hidden behind a portrait of George Washington. Adding more fuel to the fire is the note being signed with 'G.W.' A family lawyer wants the items to be turned over, but our hero refuses. I'm sure nothing will come of that choice.

*

I was wrong, apparently, as a group of thugs dressed as 16th Century Americans show up at the door. They demand the letter and the fork at threat of death. They are very creepy and persistent, but turned away by the arrival of the police. All of the most dangerous killers are scared off so easily right? This inspires the man to call upon an old friend (Saul Rubinek), who seems to have most of the answers. He explains that this group is called 'The Washingtonians' and is obsessed with hiding the truth.

*

The truth consists of a hidden secret about George Washington himself. Forced into cannibalism at Valley Forge, he grew to love it and wanted to turn the country to it. Benjamin Franklin was not on-board with the idea and was killed. As such, he was killed and all of 'his' accomplishments were actually the work of several people and accredited to him to hide the truth. Knowledge comes with a price, however, as the villains return. Their friend escapes, but the family is captured. All of the previous townspeople are revealed to be part of the cult. Will our heroes escape?

*

If you really want to know, keep reading. Otherwise, skip to the synopsis.

*

The Washingtonians give a long, in-depth monologue about their way of life, accompanied by numerous shots of people eating in a disgusting manner. Before they can eat the family, their friend and a S.W.A.T. team show up. The cannibals get shot up and the letter is returned, provided that the truth come out. In the epilogue, six months have gone by and our family is vegetarian. It is then that our movie saves the biggest scare for last: our new currency!

*

This movie/episode is quite entertaining. Because of its brevity, most of the extemporaneous material often littering movies of this type. It is fun, silly and appropriately-scary when it needs to be. You get some good, solid gore in the middle as well. Some of the humor may be hit-or-miss depending on your political leaning though. I enjoyed it as much as the other big political M.o.H. episode: Homecoming. More on that gem later.

*

As Weird Al once said 'It's your birthday, it happens every year.' As such, I am bringing you a special, themed review to celebrate mine. Stay tuned...

80's Trash: Neon Maniacs

In the wake of Friday the 13th, Halloween and Munchies, there was a constant rush to make the next horror heavy(ies). We get a lot of weird films out of this 'Golden Age' such as Critters and the like. One of those films is an oft-forgotten one with a really quirky nature. It is...

Neon Maniacs

The movie starts out with a random guy being killed by the titular character. That is the mandatory 'these are dangerous people' scene. It is followed up by the introduction of all of our 'teens that are really 22.' Don't get too connected to most of them though. They pull up to a park located right near the Golden Gate bridge...which I am sure exists. A group of ghoulies are sneaking up on them. We quickly learn that all of our monsters have their own 'unique' traits. This also is the only thing that defines them in any way.

-Biker
-Indian
-Archer
-Electrocuter
-Cyclops monster
-Soldier
-Hangman
-Wolf-boy
-Axe
-Samurai
-Doc
-Knife-guy

*

After witnessing the death of all of her friends and nearly escaping, our heroine decides to...lounge around her pool in a bikini. Unfortunately, no amount of tanning will make people believe her, since no evidence or bodies were around. All that was left was a weird neon-colored juice in some puddles. We get two other leads in this part: a dorky guy who loves our heroine and a teenager that appears to be 13. The two subplots give us hinted romance and investigation, respectively.

*

The monsters really want to kill this girl though. At one point, they chase her through a subway car...which is empty for some reason. The Indian loses his arm in the fight, but it reappears later. The characters address this, but the film never answers it though. To make a long story short, the heroes learn that water kills the monsters...for some reason and prepare a trap for them. Naturally, the best trap is a concert full of potential victims armed with squirt guns. Did you read 'The Art of War' upside down or something?

*

Enough plot and killing- let's have some bad 80s music. Yeah, the movie mostly stops the narrative for three different songs. The most we get is a couple shots of people/Maniacs walking around the school. You want action? You wait until the movie is done, mister! Eventually, we do get some and it is pretty good. We get the soldier randomly running out of bullet and Doc doing his one scene. If you watch the trailer, you see about 80% of the deaths, so you may want to avoid it. The monsters flee and the police pursue them...only to find nothing. The heroes ride off...but one monster is still alive and kills the policemen. The End. Wait, no! If he killed the guy five minutes after they left, wouldn't they just come back in and look again? Nice try, movie!

*

This movie is good in a cheesy sort of way. If you want good horror, you should know better than to rent Neon Maniacs. The pacing is not bad- even with the songs and the 'lounging in the bikini' bits- and the action is satisfying. The acting is...well, its on par with what you would expect. In spite of the amount of monsters they put in there, this movie just did not take off. Wait a couple months before someone buys up the rights though.

*

How do I celebrate the 4th of July? With the founding fathers...and cannibalism. Stay tuned...

Kaiju Small Battle: The Guyver 2

After such a strange, random film like The Guyver, how do you follow it up? Can you match its sheer weirdness or silly nature? How can you top a cast of villains that includes Michael Berryman, David Gale and Jeffrey Combs? The simple answer is that you don't. Instead, you try to turn the movie into a dark, character-driven action movie. Does this change work? Find out in my review of...

Guyver: Dark Hero

The movie starts off strong with another introductory monologue explaining the events of the first movie. They immediately misspell the name of the evil corporation as Kronos, figuring that nobody ever read the company's sign in that movie. The gist of this is that The Guyver unit is still in our hero, but he has no aliens to fight. What is a boy to do?

*

This question is answered quickly as a bunch of criminals break into an industrial factory to steal...something. Our hero shows up and kicks lots of ass. He also kills the men, a point for later in the movie. Unfortunately, he fails to save the poor security guards. Neither of those facts go over with his girlfriend from The Guyver (played by someone else in this stupid cameo) and he leaves to go find secrets from a cave. All of this because he watches an 'Inside Edition' rip-off.

*

By the way, our hero is played by David Hayter, most notable as the voice of Solid Snake in all of the games. He is also a screenwriter, having written the majority of X-Men and a famous draft of Watchmen. It's hard to see why he moved behind the camera after a film like this.

*

After being let into the site by a trusting young lady, he discovers clues to the suit and the history of the Guyvers. Of course, we don't get the real story for another hour or so though. Instead, we get tentative romance, Hayter being vague and, oh yeah, some monsters show up. It is in these scenes that we notice a dramatic jump in the fight choreography quality. The original tended to just have people fall and flail about, while Guyver 2 has our hero back-flip up a tree, leap down and dragon kick a werewolf. You know what, that should be enough to sell you on the film on its own.

*

The plot gets kind of complicated and murky around the one hour mark or so. The people leading the excavation are remnants of the (Ch)Kronos Corporation and led by a man who looks like David Gale on a monitor. Incidentally, David Gale's character died in the original and Gale himself died in real life that same year. So, who is this guy supposed to be? We never really find out, but we do find a spaceship. We get some weird back-story on the Guyvers themselves, though it is still murky. Stick with the film through this part for the roughly 20 minutes or so of fighting at the end. The reveals are a little weird, but we get super Guyver Zoanoid, so who cares?!? The ending is open, but nothing has come of the series in the last 14 years. I give it a month before remake rumors pop up though.

*

This movie is good, but definitely a change of pace. You have to realize that the film tries to be much more serious than the original and is a bit darker (thank you, title). The action scenes are great enough to distract you from the minimalist acting and re-use of locations. The movie is longer as well (127 minutes) and does occasionally stutter with its pacing. You may also notice plot holes at times(like how the alien guy has a normal, human kid). Overall, it is a more faithful adaptation of some manga/anime that I have never read/seen. According to Wikipedia, the film was made for less than $1,000,000 dollars as well. That is a pretty good testament to low(er) budget cinema.

*

I just cannot escape 80s creature features. Considering how this movie turned out, it is a gypsy curse. Stay tuned...

Edit: Sorry about the delay on this one. Something was acting that morning and the thing did not post when I hit the button. I only realized that later.

A Couple Notes

For those who don't know me personally, I thought that you should know that my birthday comes up this Sunday. As such, I have a special review lined up to commemorate this momentous occasion. Add this to my July 4th review and you have a good weekend.

*

There are a couple movies that are actually quite good that I have seen. As such, I almost feel bad reviewing them on my page. Currently, those films include Demons, Demons 2 and Dead & Buried. Demons 3 is a whole different story though. I will probably cover them at some point, but not for a while.

*

Lastly, I am going to attempt to get some feedback. This site is pretty new and, as such, is still a little experimental. Considering how different my posts look now from how they looked in March makes that evident. As part of this, I want to know if you want solely film reviews or some more things like cartoons/British shows as well. I have some good ones lined up like...

*The Short History of Jim Carrey Cartoons (Sad but true)
*Sam & Max (What a way to make weird kids!)
*Worzel Gummidge (Dr. Who as a scarecrow)
*Math Patrol (A Canadian show that is...curious)
*The Freedom Force (You won't believe this one)
*Blackstar (An odd mish-mash of cliches)

That's all for now. Guyver: Dark Hero is tomorrow and a quirky 80s film is up for Friday. Stay tuned...

Kaiju Small Battle: The Guyver

The 80s and 90s were weird times for cinema. Everyone and their mother was in love with rubber and Styrofoam suits. Not all of them were that great (see Friday's review), but most of them were entertaining. The catch is that they have to be played a bit ironically. Does today's film handle it right? Find out in my review of...

The Guyver

The movie begins with a silly prologue explaining that aliens named Zoanoids established Earth as a human colony. Suck on that, Christians! It also states that they made a mysterious device called The Guyver that can turn humans into weapons. So, why did you make that? We actually get the answer...in the sequel.

*

In the present, a Japanese scientist has stolen the device and hides it. He is confronted by three henchmen- one of whom is Jimmy 'J.J.' Walker- in river basin. The leader comes out and- Holy Crap- it is Michael Berryman from The Hills Have Eyes (the original). The mild-mannered scientist transforms into a weird lizard-fish mutant (Of Course!), so Berryman does as well. They fight, but it is pretty one-sided. The scientist dies and turns into a skeleton instantaneously. All of this happens in the first five minutes of the movie by the way.

*

We are introduced to our hero, a chump that takes Akido. His lady pal shows up, but is side-tracked by a mustachioed Mark Hamill. She is told that her dad died after reporting to the FBI about the Chronos Corporation. Just to note: the actress is Chinese. Anyhow, she gives us some exposition about how her dad was a scientist at the company. Our hero, being a complete dumb-ass, thinks that Hamill is a potential threat to his manhood. This is the guy from Laserhawk that we are talking about! Get used to our hero's dumb mindset though.

*

The movie is really weird in tone and style. Basically, all of the villains are Zoanoids and turn into monsters. Most of the time, they do it off-camera as they pass objects such as lightpoles. Who do they think they are- Superman? All of the monster suits are really weird and tend to be mixes of animal traits. One of them appears to be part-werewolf, part-Gremlin and part-caveman from Deathstalker. Plus, the idea that Berryman turns into something uglier than himself is mind-boggling. The fights often resemble deleted scenes from Mighty Morphin Power Rangers...only good.

*

This film continues to get weirder as it goes on. The third act involves a battle at the Corporation headquarters. All of the scientists turn into monsters and fight with the young woman over the possession of The Guyver unit. One of the scientists is played by Jeffrey Combs and he turns into a furry pinhead. The head of the company is played by David Gale, giving us a minor Re-Animator reunion. The Guyver pops out of Combs' chest and battles the villains. After dispatching them all, he goes mano-a-mano with the C.E.O. Unfortunately for our hero has to battle him after he turns into a giant alien-dragon-dinosaur thing. He pulls out a victory though, saving all of humanity...until the sequel. You can't win em all, buddy.

*

Is this movie good? No. It's ridiculous, silly and random in tone. Is this movie really fun to watch? Ab-so-frigging-lutely! You have the 'Dynomite' guy turn into a fish/Predator monster and fighting a guy that makes Hakaider look big-budget (more on that movie later). It also has one of my new favorite lines of cinema- "I'll make you slap yourself into oblivion!" Classic. The thing to understand is that this movie does not take itself 100% serious and does well in that regard. They walk that fine line of being silly and being too self-referential, a line that Troma constantly trips over.

*

If you liked The Guyver, but thought that it needed more video game spies, you are in luck. Stay tuned...

Undead Pantheon: Evil

Every country needs their own zombie film. Italy has dozens (Zombi 2-5), England has a couple (28 Days Later) and even France has one (The Grapes of Death). Hell, even Australia has one (The Undead). So what happens when the great island nation of Greece made one? Find out in my review of...

To Kako (a.k.a. Evil)

The movie begins with a bunch of people in a cave digging up rocks. Faster than you can say 'let's rip-off Evil Dead II,' a P.O.V. force flies at one of the men. We cut to the man in a crowded soccer...I mean, futbol stadium. The evil power overtakes him and he bites a nearby man. A zombie plague breaks out very quickly and all hell breaks loose.

*

The movie basically sets up a bunch of random characters that will eventually meet up and fight zombies together. The problem is that almost none of them have what you would call 'personalities' or are 'likable.' We get a cab driver, a young woman and a soldier, amongst others. They start off strong by having the men leering at the lead young woman. Thanks, movie.

*

I have to point out the disparagement when it comes to the cover art of the DVD for a moment. The zombies look nowhere near as cool. Why would you do that to us, movie? I can almost forgive bad, but I can't forgive 'dishonest.' Back to the film...

*

The film has an odd habit of introducing some ideas and not really following up on them. One female lead is obsessed with getting home to save her little brother from her zombie dad. They risk life and limb to get there and...the film cuts to another location. We don't even get a good 'I'm sorry it was too late' speech. We also get a subplot involving another female lead's foot fetish. Say it with me- ewww. After surviving many attacks, she dies as a zombie licks her foot before eating it. That's lovely, movie.

*

The good stuff: this movie has some really cheesy gore effects. We get lots of splatter (the film clearly wants to be Bad Taste) and silliness. The ridiculous moment where they all stop to kung-fu fight the zombies is great. The high point is the guy punching through a zombie's chest and shaking a buddy's hand on the other side of the torso. Sadly, this is the only scene like this in the movie. After being so bad-ass, the guys go down so easy. Who can I forget the guy who gets gutted by a pole after being lightly shoved into it. Lame.

*

I won't spoil the ending to this movie. It is sort of moot, since the sequel is going to pick up right where this ends. At least, that is what the trailer tells us. Hopefully, the trailer is more trust-worthy than the DVD cover.

*

This movie is a big, steaming pile of 'Eh.' I really wanted to like this movie, but it tried so hard to dissuade me. Compared to other zombie movies, this is a sad attempt to get attention- even more so than Zombi 4. I hope that more can be done with the storyline in the sequel and, to be fair, it does look more ambitious. Maybe you guys should just stick to what you do best: being the inspiration for 6,000 bad sword-and-sandal films. Where would Steve Reeves be without you? It's not like he turned down the lead in Dr. No to be in one of those movies. Oh right, he did.

*

Let's jump back to aliens again. I hear there's a new guy out there to fight them. Sounds good. Stay tuned...

You Have Not Made This Movie...Why?

This book has been supposed to be a film nearly ten years ago. The book was bought in 1997 and has been 'in development' ever since. We dodged a bullet by Jan de Bont not being able to do it. Seriously though, why have you not made this movie?

Maybe one day we will get the majesty of this story on film. Until then, we must make due with Jaws 1-4, Shark Attack 1-3, Tintorera: Killer Shark, Mega-Shark vs. Giant Octopus, Sharks in Venice, Cruel Jaws (aka Jaws 5: Cruel Jaws), Deep Blue Sea, Open Water 1-2, Shark Hunter, Spring Break Shark Attack, Shark Swarm, Shark Attack in the Mediterranean, Megalodon, and Red Water.

Will this scene ever happen? Only time- and some millionaire producer- will tell. Stay tuned...

International 80's Trash: Rats

Bruno Mattei was not a good director. Up until his death in 2007, he was directing crap film after crap film. His last film is the classic Zombie: The Beginning. But, before he directed films like that and skin flicks for Italy, he made a classic film alongside his buddy Claudio Fragrasso. It dared to rip off two different genres at once in a hilarious mess of a film. Behold the glory and splendor of...

Rats: Night of Terror

There is no correlation between this and Burial Ground: The Nights of Terror. That is probably obvious, but still bears mentioning. Plus, I want to plug this review again for the Final Girl site. That is all.

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The movie begins with a long prologue explaining the backstory of the film. In 2015, the world was nearly destroyed by nuclear war. I guess five years after we make contact, two years after a giant flood, but three years before the world is overrun by terminators, all hell broke loose. People fled underground for hundreds of years and eventually started to come out again. Our heroes are a bunch of bikers who do just that. They find a house that is perfect: food, supplies and absolutely no people around. What could possibly go wrong?

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They quickly discover a few dead bodies and the constant presence of rats. Well, it's not like there is any correlation between scavengers being around a place full of corpses. Much like Frogs, the film is obsessed with constantly showing shots of the animals wandering around. It is not really scary or effective in any way. We learn that many experiements were being done here, but we won't find out what until later. In the meantime, we get a scene of two people having sex in a sleeping bag and being mocked by their friends when they get stuck. This feels like stupid padding, but is actually really bad foreshadowing. You see, the lady gets stuck in it later as a rat his way from 'lady hole' to mouth. Ow.

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Our 'heroes' figure out that something is up...eventually. In the meantime, they wander around the place and get picked off for a while. One guy even gets killed by a pile of falling rats. No, really. The rat leader, meanwhile, is a more interesting character. Like the leader from Frogs (the comparisons are just that easy to make), he does nothing save for look away from camera. He is a half-white, half-black rat though. Fortunately for our heroes, they find a flamethrower, the solution to all of life's problems. Somehow, the people still managed to get killed. We get the 'he's alive- let's just turn him around and OH NO, he's dead' shot about three times here as well. That really only works once, Bruo. Of course, most of them would have lived if they could have stopped bickering for five damn seconds.

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I will spoil the *shock* ending here. If you want to be surprised, skip to the end.

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Only two people make it, one of them, strangely enough, is the only black actor. Suck on that, the one cliche not used here! We keep getting cuts of mysterious men in Hazmat suits walking around and killing the rats in the surrounding area. This is also preceded by some weird recording of experiments on rats being discussed. Finally, our heroes are rescued. But their rescuers are mute- why? One of them pulls off this gas mask to reveal...a giant rat face! Rat people have taken over the Earth! Aargh! The End.

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This movie is freaking ridiculous. Much like Hell of the Living Dead (how have I not done that yet?), it is stupid, amateurish and badly-written. Also like that film, it is pretty damn entertaining in an ironic way. One of my favorite effects is the rat 'swarm' that is clearly rat dolls placed on a moving track. It looks like either the candy dots on wax paper or ducks in a shooting gallery- take your pick. The downside is that the characters are almost all unlikeable. Then again, they all die- most violently- so it's a trade-off. If you like good horror, stay away. Lovers of ridiculous crap should be happy here.

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In honor of a new reader, I bring you the best Greek zombie film ever! Also, the only one (so far). Stay tuned...