International '80s Trash: Light Blast (1985)

 An Italian Film set in America- these always feel authentic.  Enzo G. Castellari is back with a Cop Film with a gory twist.

A mad man is threatening San Francisco with a curious and deadly weapon.  His plan- get money.  You could just sell the thing to- off the top of my head- China, Iran, Iraq or North Korea.

Can a Cop- who's not a CHiP anymore- save the day?  I don't want to SPOIL the reason that this Film is known just yet.

To get blasted by that light, read on...

A Scientist tests out his LASER DEATH RAY on a Train Station.

There's more to this Scene in the next Poor Bastards of Cinema.

This oddly gets almost no attention in the Film.  Weird, right?!?

A Cop- Erik Estrada- breaks up a Hostage Situation in the most logical way...

1) Strip down to Speedo

2) Hide gun in a turkey

3) Kill bad guys

I have no notes!

The Scientist announces that he will make an attack- again, they somehow missed the melted trains- and does it at a Stunt Car Show.

He blows up (and also melts) the Press Box.

More Poor Bastards of Cinema fodder.

He manages to escape- by precise shooting- and now Estrada must work the case.

A Lead is killed (too Plot-related to be a Poor Bastard) and he tracks a possible bad guy to a Funeral Parlor.

He gets in a fight with somebody who, I think, is a bad guy.

It's oddly unclear.

The bad guy eventually tracks down our Hero- after another attempt to catch him fails miserably- and, in the process, the goons kill his girlfriend.
He didn't have a black best friend, so she was doomed for sure!

On the plus side, the duo married IRL...for 4 years.

He finally tracks down the bad guy, leading to a shootout with some goons.

Hey, remember when this was about a laser weapon?!?

Also, in case this is your first movie ever, him parking right next to that machine does pay off later.

Specifically, it pays off with him nearly killing another Stunt Man.

Nobody died, but allegedly eight were injured- mostly in the Rome portion of the shoot.

He chases the bad guy down after taking...a dune buggy or some kind (I think).

They have a San Francisco Car Chase which leads them back to the boat where the bad guy was hiding.

Our Hero accidentally stops the villain by, get this, simply landing the car on the boat.
No, really.

It somehow shakes the base holding the laser and it moves across the room until the beam hits the guy's...LCD watch and melts him...but doesn't blow up the boat or the room.

Our Hero kills the henchman, sees the body and...oh, no resolution.  Just cut to Credits.

A pretty dumb, but enjoyable Film.  That said, the high points are sadly sparser than you'd hope for.

The ridiculous and graphic melting people effects- which I'll highlight in the Poor Bastards segments- are the highlight of the Film.  They're dumb.  They're crazy.
I love them.

That said, there's only like 3 of them in the Film.  Aw.

The rest of the Film is notable for the crazy stunts- again, 8 people got injured-, explosions, shoot-outs and the like.  So the rest of the Film around the melting people isn't dull- it's simply not as interesting.

Estrada is alright here, but nothing special.  The villain can be fun, although he sounds like he's dubbed.

Again- if you're watching Light Blast, you're here for the light blasting.  It just needed more.

Hey Hollywood- Remake this one with, like, 400% more light blasting.  That way you won't need THREE DIFFERENT Explosives Experts for all of the, you know, explosions.

Next up, let's move back to the '90s for an underappreciated attempt at a Superhero Film Franchise.  Who knows what evil lurks in the heart of my DVD?!?  Stay tuned...

Immediate Response: Guardians of the Galaxy, Vol. 3 (2023)

 After a slight delay, I saw the latest Marvel Film.

Did they close the Trilogy strong after a long absence?

The Good

* The Film tells a good story, with a mix of narratives and character arcs

* It is fun to meet up with the Guardians again after a few years away (barring a Cameo).

* Seeing Rocket's origin and wrapping up the Plot Threads here is appreciated.

* The mix of humor, action, and drama is better than in their last Film- by a mile!

* The Film is a good bit of visual splendor with its new Characters and Worlds, plus the Soundtrack is great again.

* More Cosmo is always a good thing.  Good dog!

The Bad

* The (necessary) focus on (CGI) animal abuse for Science will make parts of the Film a hard watch for some.  It is kind of the point though.

* Not enough Howard the Duck.  He needs a new Film!

* To be honest, I didn't feel Kraglin's Arc as much as I think I was supposed to.  It was alright.

* The Film walks a fine line between using the Music to ACCENTUATE the Scene and using the Music to MAKE the Scene.  It can be a bit on the nose, as much as I love 'Space Hog.'

* Likewise, its funny to see how they can't really explain the Gamora situation (it is complicated, for sure!) and her Arc is just 'not hating Star-Lord.'  Welcome to the Internet in the years since Avengers: Infinity War, dear.

* Nitpicks aside, it is sad to see this Cast go.

In summary, the majority of Marvel and/or Guardians fans will love this.  It's a fun, but bittersweet Finale.

Tubi Thursday: Snake 3- Dinosaur vs Python

 After a long week of being sick, let's have some Chinese.

Let's go back to Monster Island for...

In the Cold Open, people accidentally awaken a giant Snake and a Dinosaur...somehow via explosion.

They go to fight and...enough of that.

A Mom scares her kid to...prove he can't run from danger (thanks to a leg injury).
Parent of the Year.

They- along with a group- go to the Island on a Bus.

It is attacked by an off-screen monster and eventually that same giant frog.

The group split up when the kid disappears.

Hey look- the guy from Metamorphosis again AND he's wearing the same outfit.

Did he Film these at the same time?

The survivors must defend themselves against the Snake, a pair of T-Rexes (which lets them rip off the big Scene from 2005's King Kong) and other perils- including man-made danger.

Who will win in the battle between Dinosaur and Python?
Who will survive?

To find out, stream it now...

A pretty fun, if another self-serious Film.  I'd say it is a step up from the last one.
Not a giant one, but it is something.

The Pacing is odd here as they tease the big fight right away and then save it for the end.  Between the two points, more CGI monsters and more dumb people.  The latter are less distracting.

The melodrama is still there- it really is a Chinese thing, it seems- and it involves the kid and mom.  There is at least a good attempt here with it and it does pay off nicely in the end.  I didn't hate it and it was far less distracting than the last few of these.

I do get the feeling that these Films are bleeding into each other though, between repeat Cast Members and Monsters.  That freaking frog is back, and their T-Rex model gets a revival here.  The scale here is a bit absurd, as the tail of the snake is larger all around than several people.

If you can put up with the melodrama, it's worth a watch for lovers of this CGI bollocks.

Better than many of these, even if they are recycling Plots, CGI Models and Actors quite a bit.  These really were put together in a Factory, weren't they?

Shudder Sunday: Slash/Back (2022)

 AAPI Month and Shudder Sunday join forces!

This one sounded intriguing, so let's put on our jackets for...

Mere miles away from the Arctic Circle, an Innuit Tribe live off of the land to survive.

They still have some creature comforts of the Modern Era- especially the young girls.

They wander to a nearby bit of land and see a strange creature!

Does it have anything to do with the strange alien rock that just landed miles away?

With the Adults too busy, can they step up the metaphorical plate and save their Village?

They have the tools.
Were they paying attention to the lessons?

They have the attitude (and saw 1982's The Thing), so here's hoping that it is enough!

To find out, stream it now.

A weird sell, which is why I took so long to see it.  Can I enjoy a Film about young girls from a place I've never been?

The answer, thankfully, is a big old 'Yes.'

The Film is chock full of slang terms, subtitles (specifically when talking to the Adults) and people I can't personally relate to.  That said, they are fun to watch.  They are all a little bit different and their personalities mesh quite well.

The Sci-Fi aspect with the Aliens and how they work- I won't SPOIL it here- is also quite fun to see.  The Film surely didn't cost $100 million, so they use their money well.  The limited amount of CGI you get is nicely complimented by the Practical Effects.

Again- it's kind of a weird sell.  That said, it is fun, the kid Actors are great, and I like to try new things.

If you can't enjoy new experiences, maybe just try to relax a bit like this fella here.

A strong recommendation again for those looking for something different.  It's hard to do Kids vs. Monsters just right, but they nail it here!

Holiday Flix: Santo vs. Blue Demon in Atlantis (1970)

 The Man From T.I.O.!

Today's Film is Santo vs. Blue Demon in Atlantis, a 1970 Film that clearly leans into the Spy Genre.  He's part James Bond, part Luchador.  Is he the best of both worlds?  Eh...no.

The Plot involves a Nazi Scientist trying to destroy the Earth, giving them a generous 10 day period to stop him.  So kind...for a Nazi.  Naturally, the only Agent who can stop him is...famous Luchador El Santo.  Is it like those weird WWE Books that implied that their Performers fought crimes, using the touring schedule as a Cover.

Yes, that's a thing.

After fighting Dracula, other Monsters and Martians, will this be a cakewalk?  To find out, read on...

A Mad Scientist- a former Nazi calling himself Achilles- threatens to destroy humanity.

Why?

Well, as he monologues in the Intro, we're all bad, violent and dumb.

Naturally, show us your superiority with...violence.

Also the Greeks are the Master Race.  

Confusingly, the Spymaster sends a guy out to find El Santo and a Scientist who's key to stopping the bombs.

He then tells the Scientist- who was in the other Room- to go to Santo, but avoid the guy he just sent.

Huh?

In a rare turn, the mandatory match section has Demon and Santo against each other!

They fight to a draw- presumably leading to 'Fight forever' chants- until an attempt to drug Santo and Demon backfires- kind of.

Demon is drugged and taken.

After they test him and ask him to join, they just hypnotize him to work against Santo.

I think I saw this same bit in Santo and Blue Demon Against the Monster.  Poor Demon.

A lady Agent randomly shows up to help.  She's definitely not evil.

This leads to a silly and prolonged Helicopter shoot-out involving Blue Demon, who already lost ANOTHER one-on-one fight on the ground.

Shocking twist- she was evil and they capture Santo, attempting to hypnotize him.

Santo attacks the Scientist's equipment to stop him from interfering and Santo...dies?

Oh, it was just a fake.
Santo escaped FYI.

In case you missed that this was trying to be like James Bond, here's our group- including a reformed helper of the Villain- entering the base via scuba suits.

More punching.

Demon redeems himself by saving Santo from the villain...who somehow wins a fistfight.  Huh?
He gets speared...er, javelined.

The Stock Footage- clearly from some Italian Sword & Sandal Film- falls apart as our Heroes escape to a rescued world.  The End.

A fun, if unoriginal Film.  Is a wannabe-Spy Film with El Santo silly?  Yes.  Do I mind?  No.

While I miss the Monsters, I still get the fights and nonsense.  Enjoy those punches that sound like people hitting slabs of meat with a big old mallet.

It's definitely a 'mustard in your chocolate' effect at times as the man wearing a silver mask runs around like Ethan Hunt.  The core of this Film is still an El Santo Film in all of the best and worst ways.

There's only one Wrestling Match bit though, so bonus.  Seeing Santo do a middle rope dive in 1970 is a treat.

As a whole, I still enjoy the more typical Santo stuff, but this was a fun, odd treat.  Say- what is the face you make when you stare at Stock Footage added in post, El Santo?

Next up, the Schedule returns to normal.  There's not another Holiday on the 6th...is there?!?

'Holiday' Tubi Thursday: Battle Star Wars (2020)

 Is May the 4th a real Holiday?  Who cares?

Let's celebrate in style with...The Asylum?!?

In the very distant future, everyone in the Galaxy is trying to get to Haven.

It looks nice.

A ragtag group of people- including a Space Knight, a Smuggler and the Daughter of Not Darth Sidious- try to keep it safe.

Why?

It has Manna, a full-on Ex Machina, at its core.

The Paladin- who looks like Scottish CM Punk- is a Jedi stand-in.

Note his weapon.

It is the mother-loving Sword from Halo.

Come on- you want to be sued by Disney AND Microsoft?!?

The Plot involves twists, turns, space battles and betrayals.

In lieu of more Screen Caps, enjoy this Cast Photo that sure feels like one for Farscape, no?

Can our Heroes save the day, especially when one Villain inexplicably gains Force Powers?

To find out, stream the Film now.

A rare, unforced error on The Asylum's part!

Did this Film need fake Star Wars branding?  It isn't really a Mockbuster (since it has a unique Plot).

So, instead of just saying 'Here's this Sci-Fi Film we made,' they just pissed off alot of people.  Good job.

The Film isn't great, to be fair.  It has decent Acting, so-so Production values, good (if sparse CGI) and an alright Story.  The branding, again, just killed any chance of this getting a fair shake.

Is this 1/10 Score fair?  Not really, but you got it.

In all fairness, they rip off beats from Star Wars (and random things like dressing their Lead Actress like Padme in Episode II), steal/borrow from other IPs (the helpful hologram from Blade Runner 2049, the Halo Sword, etc.) and just generally don't feel all that creative.

It's not the worst Asylum Film by far.  It is the most brazen since Age of the Hobbits though.

It's definitely NOT like Star Wars though- that is set in 'the Past,' but this one is in the Future...

An inoffensive, mid-level Sci-Fi Film that randomly did this branding.  Was it worth it?

Forgotten Sequels: Dungeons & Dragons- Wrath of the Dragon God (2005)

 Yes, this exists.  Someone saw the 2000 Dungeons & Dragons and said, 'Make another one.'
It took 5 years, but whatever.

This is a direct Sequel to the other Film, but is apparently set much, much later.  At least, I think so.  There's only one connection to that Film here- the lead Villain...'s main Henchman.  We can't get Jeremy Irons, so let's go with the next best thing.

I don't want to be too mean to Bruce Payne, even if he is the second-best Warlock.  He's one of those guys whose presence can usually elevate a role and the Film around it.  Good luck, mate!

The Film involves a Dragon God about to be awoken and a group of Heroes trying to stop it.  Will this give us the true D&D feel that the original was lacking?  It's got a Cleric, a Rogue and a Wizard (for starters), so that's a plus.

Is this Made for TV/DVD Film (which I haven't seen since last renting in 2006) worth a watch?  To find out, read on...

In a big old exposition dump, we learn that Damodar (Payne) was cursed to be an undead, which he apparently was for quite a long time.

Some bad guys- who don't factor into the Plot after this- find the Black Orb and return him to life.

Our Heroes- a Fighter and a Mage- discover that a sleeping, black Dragon is under a nearby Castle.

He's apparently also a God and is slowly waking up.

They try to do a vision spell, but it has disastrous effects long-term.

He assembles a Team- which includes a Cleric, a Wizard, a Barbarian and a Rogue/Thief- to find Damodar and the Orb, which is the key to stopping the Dragon from awakening.

Back at the Castle, the Mages all try to figure out the secrets from the Books.  Bob would gladly do this Sidequest!

Unfortunately, Love Interest Mage was cursed by Damodar via that spell and is slowly turning into a Zombie!

Oh, well- back to the Books!

The group in the field runs across a Lich, who chases them off after a brief fight.

He proceeds to report this to Damodar, who's busy up in his own Castle waiting for the Dragon God to arise.

In a move that is both surprising and also not, the former Henchman is basically just that again, doing this whole thing to give him someone new to work in the service of!

He sends an Ice Dragon to kill them and it proves to be 20% successful.

It freezes and kills the Cleric (!!!) before they defeat it.

Who will cast Heroes Feast now?!?

They fight some bad guys- just random guys in Armor- and solve some puzzles.

For better or worse, doing stuff like this IS what happens in D&D Campaigns.

I will say that 'Safe Steps only visible while looking in a mirror' is still pretty silly, even for D&D.

After a series of moments- including Damodar being defeated by a single swing, but then that victory being overturned via trickery-, the titular God is awake and he's...pretty freaky.

It's not amazing CGI, but it is Made for TV and from 2005.

Surprisingly (or not), they have to defeat Damodar AGAIN (via simply knocking him down) to get the other Orb and defeat the God.

It's an odd gambit as he says he's not afraid of death, so they threaten to kill him...and he stands down.  Huh?

Oh well, the day is saved...although the Cleric is still very dead.  The End.

A fun, if low-budget adventure.  Don't get me wrong- I've seen way cheaper. 
It's just that they rely so much on CGI- for things that would be hard to do without it, to be fair- that it sometimes looks...janky.  The Practical stuff- make-up, masks and costumes- all look alright.

Well, that Lich does, especially the more he just kind of hangs around.

The Film does aim to be something big, so points for that.  As noted, it is definitely in the spirit of the game too.  Everyone has some sort of Arc- even if it is just being nice to a Barbarian- so that's good too.

Does it rise above the standard Fantasy Fare though?  I mean...Lord of the Rings was already a thing, so that's a high hurdle to clear.

Fans of D&D can enjoy this one, provided they know what to expect.  Remember that this was 2005, so Amazon was still selling you Books and not spending A BILLION DOLLARS on a TV Show.

As a bonus, they left Damodar around for the Sequels.  What do you mean he's not in it?  Well...shit.  Sorry, champ.

Next up, a silly Film brought to me by Rifftrax.  You'll see a lot more of the 'light' from this one over the next few weeks.  Stay tuned...