'I Go To the Ring:' WCW's Sting in 'Shutterspeed'

To help fill the gap between Episodes of Let's Go to the Ring (cheap plug) and to celebrate Sting's Birthday, I watched his big Film Debut- Shutterspeed.  Made and/or released in 2000, the Film was a test run for him as a Movie Star.  He's clearly not Dwayne Johnson, so we know how that went.  It's also possible that this was a Contract Bonus/Incentive for Sting.  I mean, Hogan got paid for wearing nWo Shirts in public at non-wrestling events, so it's not impossible.  In any event, Sting was 'injured' in a story line and took time off to do this, as well as other things (like apparently welcome a new kid).  This was made for TNT and exists in this weird TV Movie limbo.  Someone clearly owns it.  Every copy around is right from a recording (probably on VHS).  There is no DVD release I can find.  It exists online and has for years.  Nobody seems to want to take ownership/credit for it.  I guess I'm good here.  The Story involves two Cops, one camera and some bad guys.  If you are looking for something unique and 'outside of the box,' look elsewhere.  This is pretty stock TV Movie stuff all around, from the basic Plot to the fact that it was shot in Vancouver.  Does Sting elevate it?  To find out, read on...

Sting is a Cop.  He works in Narcotics.
Get used to his face without his iconic make-up- if you can.

Earlier, a mysterious man is chased and escapes with a camera.  He ships it to Sting before he is captured.

Conveniently, Sting calls the man later to ask about said camera, sealing his fate.

Meanwhile, Sting is engaged to Daisy Fuentes (naturally!) and has bad dreams that are actually flashbacks to a past event.  More on that later.

The guy with the camera originally is killed and we learn the big twist- he's Fuentes' Brother!

At least that is the only Brother drama here...

Oh right- this thing.

So Sting's Brother is now also a Cop, but they don't get along.
Naturally, said Brother gets put on the case, so they must work together.

Symbolism!!!

Yeah, the drama involves their dead Dad.

Fuentes is kidnapped for a trade with the camera...since the bad guys don't just go after Sting.

Sting goes alone, but things go wrong when the Cops- led by his Brother- show up.  Enjoy this only bit of physicality from Sting...for some reason.

We get our Emmy Moment as Sting and bro make up after we hear the whole story of a Mexican Stand-Off gone wrong.  Sting even cries on cue!

To make a long story short, they learn that the bad guys are all about smuggling in fake bills/other stuff.  They stop them.

Sting is caught by the villain, but his Brother redeems himself for the stand-off and the day is saved.  Also Sting gets married to Fuentes.  The End.

A pretty basic Film that didn't do all that much.  To be fair, what was I expecting?  This is a Made for TV Movie by TNT.  It stars Sting.  It has no DVD Release.  It is not on official Streaming anywhere.  How good it have really turned out?  I watched this with Bob online- thanks for that, stupid pandemic!- and we both were kind of like 'Eh, it was a Movie.'  Sting has a pretty natural presence, but he's forced to play so grim and angry here.  It's a weird use of someone like him, who is known for letting his personality shine through.  Granted, his Crow Sting persona was brooding, but that didn't last forever.  Plus, let's be fair, that was 2 years before this Film.  The biggest issue here is just how poorly they use Sting.  With his general look, he could easily pass for a still-alive Brandon Lee...only without the kung-fu or general action fun.  Sting doesn't really fight anyone in this Film- why cast him then?  I get that he might want to do more IN ADDITION TO THAT, but why have none if it at all?!?  This could have starred any number of people- be it Brian Bosworth or Lance Henriksen- and not changed much.  Hell, he doesn't even do something simple like a Hammerlock.  So disappointing really- this was a missed opportunity.  Judged on its own, the Film isn't bad.  It just isn't especially interesting or good either.  To put it as a bad joke, in Soviet Russia, Film is Film...

Next time, I go back to my original plans.  I just couldn't let a Birthday go un-celebrated in this case.  Stay tuned...

Lost in Translation: Jurassic Park

In a time where we aren't exactly allowed to/should be going out, it's fun to look at Parks.

Jurassic Park never properly-opened the first time.  I'm still not sure how that guy in Jurassic World knew all about it.

In any event, what would the Park Opening look like?
Probably nothing like this...

…wow.

I mean...what do you say?

A made-up dinosaur is mounted on its hind legs and eating...the Lawyer?
Chevy Chase from Caddyshack is there?

What in the actual what?!?

Oh Ghana, never change.

Rare Flix: Virgin Witch (1972)

So is this really your first time being a Witch?  Today's Film is the 1972 cheesy (and slightly-porn-looking) Virgin Witch.  In contrast to the previous Film, this one goes all in on the sleaze and exploitation.  Literally the first shot of the Film- no joke- is a woman's breasts.  I guess that's all of the warning you need.  Poor MS Paint is going to be working overtime to get my Screen Caps ready for a PG-13 Site!  The Plot of this one is a bit strange.  A young woman aspires to be a Model, something aided by her apparent affinity for witchcraft.  This brings her to a woman who is both a Manager of Models, but also the Co-Leader of a Coven.  What luck!  As she integrates into the group, she doesn't plan on being at the bottom for very long.  This very busy weekend (it's really that brief) will affect many people's lives- mostly for the worse.  The Casting is notable here as its Leads are 'Introduced' in this Film, are real Sisters playing Sisters and have disowned the Film in the 40+ years since it came out.  One of them says that the Director 'only wanted Nude Scenes.'  To be fair, the same Actress would also be in stuff like Marquis De Sade's Justine and Young Lady Chatterley (not to mention playing 'Coke-Eyed Laura' in a different Film), so, you know, mixed messaging.  They are both more notable for being in famous British Comedy Show 'Allo 'Allo in the '80s.  Is this Film something that should bring them shame?  To find out, read on...

A pair of Sister (Anne and Vicki Michelle) run away from home, alongside a boy, to try and become Models.  This, surprisingly, does not land them in the hands of a Serial Killer.

Instead, Christine- the oldest Sister- seems to use a magic intuition to find a woman who's a talent scout.  She strips down right on the spot, making this the second time she's been naked in the first 10 minutes (the previous time was during the Credits).

Hmm...she may have had a point about the Nude Scenes...

They get 'tricked' into going to a weekend getaway/shoot.  The lead woman clearly has something else on her mind.

To counter this, Christine insists that her Sister come along...

…which leads to her wandering around and discovering that this is a Coven.

After this, she does that convenient bit of 'movie fainting' where you wake up just fine and people explain the important information to you.  So helpful!

Christine is initiated quite quickly into the Coven, since she seems so eager.  She's also a Virgin, which apparently a big thing for them.

The Leader shows them the face of 'their Master' and...it's just an Oni Mask.  I mean...do Brits not see that?

The initiation involves lots of dancing, some nudity (what doesn't in this Film?), some implied sex and some members clearly beginning to favor Christine.

The next day, the Coven Leader clearly has a thing for Christine, which the latter will use to take power away from her.

In a slightly-bad, but also kind of funny bit, the younger Sister's boyfriend chastises her for being around the older woman since 'She fancies other birds!'

Gay Panic is kind of funny when it sounds so silly.

Christine uses her growing powers to make the woman sick and keep her away from the Ceremony, allowing her to take charge (since the Leader has no actual power- just knowledge).

She also initiates her Sister by way of the boyfriend, solidifying her power.

To end her best weekend ever, she straight up kills the woman with her dark magic.  The End.

A curious piece of trashy entertainment.  Is the Film good?  I mean, it has a beginning, middle and end.  The Story has an Arc.  The Characters start at one place and most of them change over the course of the Film.  There are many good shots.  They have a nice location (which was later used for 2 other low-budget Films).  The Acting is alright.  The Film definitely has too many Nude Scenes for something that isn't actually a Porn Film.  I mean, it has so much that it kind of got boring.  That sounds weird, right?  It's true though.  To put it another way, imagine if you watched a Film where people were always doing sick skate board tricks in every Scene in the first 2 Acts.  Now imagine that this Film is all a build up to a Skate Board Trick Tournament.  After 70 minutes, are you really that excited to see more tricks?  No.  What was I talking about again?  Yeah, the Film was alright.  If you like trashy stuff from the '70s, this will do the trick.  If you don't, well, you wouldn't watch a Film called Virgin Witch, right?  On the plus side, this Witch Film may have inspired a more famous one- Suspiria- with its brief use of vibrant colors...

Next up, a Film about an obsessed Film Nerd who goes crazy.  Is it a bad time to mention some obscure trivia I know about the Film?  Stay tuned...

Rare Flix: The Witchmaker (1969)

This is anything like a Coffee Maker?  Today's Film is the 1969 forgotten Film known as The Witchmaker.  What a strange title, no?  Is this about a guy who makes Witches?  Is it about a machine that makes Witches?  Is it a Floor Cleaner?  Is that SNL reference too old for most readers?  The Film is actually about a strange Warlock who has his killing spree interrupted.  When people come to look into what he is doing, he changes his tactic.  Now he wants one of the people come to stop him to be part of his Coven.  The Plot involves a curious mix of dry science talk, fanciful magic and a Swamp.  It's an odd combination to say the least!  Its Director only made two Films- this was the 2nd.  The main Producer- LQ Jones- is more notable for playing old tough guys on Westerns or in Films like Lone Wolf McQuade.  The final product isn't quite what you might be expecting.  In fact, it was edited enough to be a safe 'mid-market' Film that a stronger cut- called Naked Witch- was released in 1975.  I'd check that out, but I've found like 3 Films with that Title...and none of them are this.  I'll just stick with this Film for now as you read on...

In a Cold Open, a man- Luther the Berserker- kills a woman and drains her blood (implied) for a ritual sacrifice.

After the Credits, a Professor, his Helpers and a Reporter go to the same Swamp to investigate the incidents.

It's not quite a Cabin in the Woods (since it's a Swamp), but it is clear Evil Dead influence...

The man- a Warlock- is watching.  One of the women with him, you see, is a 'Conduit.'  She can pick up magical energies in the air like some sort of divining rod.

Her connection to magic- and a past involving a Witch descendant- makes her a good target.

I know for a fact that I'm not watching the 1975 Cut of the Film since we get hilarious, Austin Powers-style blocking of nudity with plants.

On the plus side, this saves me work that I have to do for the next Witch Movie I'm reviewing...

Luther is up to something big, so he calls in a Witch from his Coven.  He transforms her into a young beauty to aid in their work.

So is he the Witchmaker now?

He begins to turn her to his side, while also offing the dead meat...I mean, ancillary characters at the Cabin.

Eventually, the Doctor figures out that something is up...

They make a plan that somehow involves garlic necklaces making you invisible to Witches (what Book is that from?) and using a secret weapon.

They'll need this since the rest of the Coven has arrived.  In a nice twist, they aren't all just people in cloaks- they are random and different characters.

They switch the ritual blood- that would empower the Witches/Warlocks- with pig's blood...which apparently kills them Bewitched-style (they just blink out of frame).

The Reporter seems to have stopped the ritual and takes out the last Witch...

...but Luther escaped (and possibly killed the other Leads- it's not clear) and a battle ensues.

Luther is weakened by the garlic and drowns in the Swamp, but so does our Hero when the woman appears to have been converted already and leaves him to die.  The End.

A confusing mix of trash and serious Film.  The combination here is just a bit strange.  On one hand, the Film feels like/sets up future stock Horror Plotting.  People go out to the Woods to catch a thing and it catches them.  Other Movies obviously copied this/were inspired by this over the years.  It sets up a bunch of stuff that should be in a more trashy Film.  You have a bunch of Witches and Warlocks doing a big ceremony, but it just involves dancing.  The Film feels like it should/would have nudity in it, but never does.  That could be a positive or negative for you.  Every time you're expecting some gore or nudity, it just doesn't quite show up (see below).  With all of that going on, the Film is chock full of vague pseudo-science involving magic.  People can track magical energy like radio waves?  Pig's blood kills Witches?  Garlic necklaces render you invisible to them?  It has this very self-serious tone that would work really well if the Film got, well, a bit trashier.  As it is, the Film has a pretty slow 2nd Act that sure didn't help keep me awake initially.  Once you get to the 3rd Act, things mercifully pick up as the other Witches and Warlocks show up.  The final Scenes have a strange, but good feel to them.  The ending is a bit muddled as two characters aren't shown being killed, so are they alive?  The twist isn't that special, but it works.  All in all, The Witchmaker is a curious gem that fans of Occult Films will like- just know that it is slow as molasses in the middle.  On the plus side, it *sort of* inspired Baywatch with this slow-mo running Scene...

Next up, I cover another Witch Film.  This one is quite a bit different...and also British, so it is inherently classy.  Stay tuned...

Rare Holiday Flix: Darby O'Gill and the Little People

It's been a long time coming, Movie!  I've wanted to do this mostly-forgotten Disney Classic for a while, but things have never worked out.  Disney keeps a strong pay-wall on their stuff, so my temporary subscription to Disney Plus pays off.  This is Darby O'Gill and the Little People, a 1959 Film by Disney based on many old, Irish folk tales.  It comes to us from a long-time Disney Director Robert (not Louis) Stevenson who did such Films as Bed Knobs and Broomsticks, The Love Bug, That Darn Cat! and Mary Poppins.  He did 19 Films in total for them, which is kind of bonkers if you think about it!  Little side-note here: Stevenson did Old Yeller, but *not* it's Sequel (!!!) Savage Sam, which is conspicuously absent on Disney Plus.  Interesting.  The Plot of this Film involves the titular Darby and him dealing with a big change in his life.  Will dealing with some Leprechauns help him out or make things worse?  If you don't know anything about this Film, I won't SPOIL who its Star is yet.  To find out if this is a Film just for your Parents or for the rest of your family, read on...

Darby cares for the Lord's patch of Land and tells tales of his dealing with the Leprechauns, especially their King Brian.

People pass of his tales as nonsense, of course, but we know otherwise.

Big change comes into his life as the Lord decides to retire him and replace him with a young stud from Dublin- Sean Connery?!?

Yes, arguably the most famous SCOTTISH Actor in modern history is Irish.  Why not?!?

The Leprechauns decide to 'help' Darby- by trapping him in their land under an old Castle.

Can the wily man find a way out though?

Back home, sparks fly between this Daughter (did he have her when he was 50?) and Connery.

At this point, he is leaving her shaken, but not stirred.

Darby, of course, escapes and tricks the King into staying with him until he uses his 3 wishes.

Naturally, the impetuous imp won't take that laying down.

As both witness things blooming between the pair, the truth eventually comes out about Darby's new (lack of) position.

His attempts to hide it for the short term don't pay off...

The daughter is injured and the Banshee- a genuinely-freaky creature even in 2020- comes for her.

Through some good deeds on Darby's part and kind trickery on Brian's part, the day is saved for them all.

...and Connery ends up with the Daughter after punching out the other (admittedly terrible) suitor.

Good lesson, kids- solve your problems with violence.  The End.

A pretty fun, fanciful affair.  If you watch live-action Disney Films from this Era, you know what to expect.  It is going to have big Characters.  It is going to have some songs and/or musical numbers.  It is going to be bright and vibrant.  It isn't going to be terribly-deep.  This Film certainly fits the bill all around.  Darby and King Brian have really good chemistry, which comes from casting two veteran Actors to work as a pair.  They are definitely the most fun and inspired part of the Film.  Others- like Connery, Pony the suitor and the Daughter- are okay, but not nearly as memorable.  If you know this Film by reputation, it is 'That Irish Disney Film with Sean Connery in it.'  He's okay in this, but his presence is a bit limited here, only coming through in small doses.  The Songs are fun and don't manage to drag too long.  They make the Film feel as fresh as Irish Spring!  The look of the Film is very nice, as they disguise alot of California as Ireland through good set-dressing and matte work.  Even by modern standards, the effects overall look good.  As far as depth, there's a little bit of it.  There are some nice Arcs to the story, like King Brian tricking Darby for his own benefit in the beginning and then for Darby's in the end.  It is not high drama, but everyone tries.  All in all, Darby O'Gill is a fun Film that holds up pretty well (exaggerated characterizations aside) and still looks good 60 years later.  It looks so good that even Walt himself had to come visit...

Next up, a 2-part review of Films about Witches.  First up, a fairly-tame Horror Film that has risen from the depths of obscurity (and a swamp).  Stay tuned...

10 Crazy Items from Friday the 13th: The Series!

As another *sort of* Holiday is here, let's skip looking at the Film Series and look at the TV one.

Going for 3 Seasons, it had nothing to do with the Films at all- save for one crossover bit of Casting.

If you don't know, the basic premise of the Show was our Heroes tracking down and re-collecting evil artifacts let loose on the World.  Let's look at some of the craziest...

10. Doctor...Death: Hey, this one ties into my last Review!

In one Episode, a magic scalpel can heal anyone who is injured...if you kill for it.  Why?
It *allegedly* belonged to Jack the Ripper!

Silly Show- his only power was Time Travel!

9. Two 'Waxwork's for the Price of One!: As a fan of both titular Films, it's interesting to see aspects of both Films show up here.

In one Episode, a magic handkerchief can bring wax figures to life.  In another, you can time travel through a magic painting.

Considering how weird this is going to get, it's still not that strange...

8. The Color of Murder!: This sure would spice up Pool Championships on ESPN 8 (The Ocho)!

In another Episode, a magical pool cue grants its wielder unnatural ability.  Naturally, you have to kill with it.

I don't even want to know what expert Fencers use!

7. Christine 2- The Quickening: Don't lose your keys!

One lucky fella gets some magical, blank car keys that allow you to upgrade your car...assuming that you kill someone with it first.

Yeah, the killing thing is common here.  I'm pretty sure that Season 4 would have had a Chess Set that required you to kill someone with a Rook!

6. Biff Gets Extreme!: In this economy, it almost might be worth it.

One man gets a magic ring- from the 1919 World Series- that gives you sports scores...if you kill someone, of course.  Naturally!

5. Writers Write and Killers Kill: A two-for-one special!

In one episode, an evil quill pen will kill people written about.  A Death Note precursor?
In another episode, a typewriter can allow someone to be controlled to commit crimes in a 'true crime' story.

4. Banzai!: It brings a whole new meaning to 'Turning Japanese.'

This one is wonky enough that I may *really* need to cover it separately in...damn, November.  A cursed Kamikaze Pilot Jacket can make you turn invisible (if you kill someone).

Sure- why not?!?

3. Mulch Money: Is this device really evil?

In an especially-odd premise, a cursed device is presented that appears to be a simple mulcher.  Its magic, however, turns people into money!

Again- sure, why not?!?

2. Sic Semper Logica!: It sure ain't a fun night at the Theater.

This cursed item is a make-up kit owned by John Wilkes Booth.  It can make one's face return to beauty, but only if, you guessed it, you kill someone.

Fun Fact: Booth's Brother Edwin was also a big Actor.  In case you thought you had the worst Brother ever...

1. Mein Puppe: I nearly did this as a solo one, but this List seemed like more fun (and is easier).

So this one involves a Ventriloquist's Dummy, Billy Drago, an evil curse and a boutonniere that belonged to Adolf Hitler.  Need I say more?

That's just the tip of the iceberg, mind you, as the Show has many more Episodes.  By the time we reach the next one, see how many you can catch!

Rare Flix: Terror at London Bridge! (aka Bridge Across Time)

A thank you to Obscurus Lupa for bringing this Movie into my life!  This is 1985's Terror at London Bridge, an NBC Movie-of-the-Week.  Why is it worth resurrecting after 30+ years?  Well, first things first- its Star is David Hasselhoff.  I could end the hype right there...but I won't.  The Plot is bonkers.  So, follow me here, you know Jack the Ripper.  Did you know that he was actually killed in 1888?  Yep, he sure was and it happened at London Bridge.  Nearly 100 years later, a magic effect brings him back...in Arizona.  So this requires a quick history lesson for those not informed on the comings and goings of famous Bridges.  In 1962, the Bridge was deemed 'not safe enough for travel.'  So, naturally, a rich guy in Arizona bought the Bridge for his 'City of London' by Lake Havasu.  That brings us to 1985 and the return of Saucy Jack at the same Bridge.  Can the Hoff stop the Ripper?  Can you get enough '80s hair?  Can you stop laughing at the premise?  To find out, read on...

In 1888, Jack is chased by a mob (after tossing a man like he's Andre the Giant) and shot, falling to his death from the London Bridge, loosing a stone in the process.

In the Present Day (of 1985), the final brick is restored and this lady bleeds on it (after somehow grazing a piece of a scaffold), which brings Jack back to life.

Of course, it is not clear why it brings him back in way shape or form, so...um...moving on...

When the body is found, the Mayor won't close the Beach...I mean, the Village and blames it on a transient.  Enter the Hoff to smolder him into doing the right thing!

At the same time, this man shows up and is properly-creepy...and also British.

His name should be Red Herring, but it is probably more like Spotted Dick.

In the B-Plot, Current and future Detective Hasselhoff is courting the lady who runs a Boat Service.

In a bit that was possibly-stolen by Die Hard, his backstory involves him killing a kid.  Break out that Emmy, dammit!

As the killings increase and time passes in a vague manner (seriously, the Film takes place over like 2 months with no time cards), Hoff makes his big thesis- the killer is the real Jack.

To the Film's credit, nobody accepts his logic (even if he's right).  Touché, Film.

Shockingly, the guy who was also British and wasn't a fake evil guy is actually Jack.  He needs to kill one more person to make the stone send him...back to England.

First off, huh?!?!?
Second, they know you are the killer, so why would you go back?!?
Third, you already killed a Guard.  Why not use his blood?

Hoff fights Jack and loses pretty soundly the first time.  He takes Hoff's girlfriend up to kill her, but Hoff returns.

For some reason, he decides to toss him over the side of Bridge like it is the Royal Rumble Match!

Of course, Hoff hangs on (but doesn't skin the cat) and shoots Jack, getting over his fear of shooting.

The Movie goes full circle with Jack falling to his death...again and taking the brick too.  Sequel Bait?  The End.

A fun, silly affair.  To be fair to the Film right off the bat, it plays things straight.  Thank Xenu they do too, since the Movie is all the funnier for it!  The Setting- Arizona Tourist Trap- is not rife for Horror or Thrills.  They try to manufacture it by having a 'House of Horrors' Gift Shop, but that's obviously not enough.  The Story is silly as hell.  Why involve Magic?  Why involve Time Travel?  There are a number of ways to make a good, but forgettable Film based on the London Bridge in Arizona...if one is so inclined.  In the short term, that would have been better.  Granted- it worked out well in the long term, since it inspired someone to Review it in 2020 and then inspired me to rip them off by also covering it to.  In my defense, Obscurus Lupa indirectly led me to Roller Gator, so she earned this!  The Film is super cheesy and clearly confined by the setting.  It is a nice travelogue for the place, I suppose, but the Film just lacks atmosphere.  They have to constantly cheat to not show you stuff that would ruin the tension even more, which is kind of funny.  If you can get past the silly Plot, they play it straight enough to enjoy as good old, American now that we bought it cheese.  Case in point: Jack stalks the Funeral for one victim (which takes place in broad daylight on a Golf Course!) and...nobody sees him.  I mean...really?!?

Next up, I need to do some more stuff about women.  How about this Movie about a Witch that isn't spelled with two 'Vs' for some reason?  Stay tuned...