Impossibly-Cool Cover Art: Tentacles

Tentacles is a Film I should probably watch at some point.  It's one of the more infamous Jaws rip-offs.

Even without seeing it, I know that nothing this cool will happen...

Damn!  That Octopus does not know how to, um, Octopus.

Even so, amazing Poster.  Thanks again, Japan!

Here's how it looked before...

So yeah, I added ALOT of Color.  Odds are that it was lost due to the Scan and Age...but I still take credit for what I did.

Quick Reviews: Sharknado 5- Global Swarming

I suffer for my art.  One day, I'll make some.  Speaking of stuff that isn't art, they made a 5th one of these, so I might as well cover this before the 6th one debuts...

Finn and company are back...except for his eldest Son, his Mother and his Father (the latter two of which are too busy to be here)...and end up in London to talk to NATO.

Oh and Nova is back, since this is an odd-numbered Sharknado Film.  You know the rule.

Finn immediately gets side-tracked to go rip off Indiana Jones with Nova.  They take an artifact that is supposed to stop Sharknados from happening...so, of course, taking it causes all of them to happen this time.

The Film is rife with Cameos, though you would often be hard-pressed to recognize all of them.

We can't get Hasselhoff back, but we've got Chris Kattan, Charo, Fabio and Olivia Newton-John.

The Sharknado destroys most of London and takes Finn's son Gil, since that's how they work now.

It also now features a magic portal, giving the Film an excuse to jump around the World.

Its worth noting that the International theme allows them to use people not famous in America, but, I guess, famous in other places.  So, in other words, I'm happy for you if you know who this is, but I sure don't!

This is still going?

Okay, so more 'Celebrity' Cameos, more fake Sharks, another Wrestler (John Morrison/Mundo/Hennigan/Nitro/Impact) and a stupid Plot that sets up the final (promise?) Film.

To see how it all plays out, watch the Film (if you hate yourself).

Ugh.  Will that suffice?  No?  Fine...

Sharknado 5 is really, really stupid.  It suddenly introduces lore involving a Shark God, a magic gem, a teleporting Sharknado, Fabio as the Pope, Charo as the Queen of England, toxic waste turning a shark swarm into an amorphic shark pile and, well, lots more stupid.  Most of the time, the references are either very forced- Olivia Newton-John warning them not to 'Do anything Physical'- or too obtuse to really matter- a Q-like Character is named Llewelyn after Desmond Llewelyn (who played Q).  The physics of this whole thing continue to boggle the mind.  In one Scene, you can punch and kick sharks away.  In another, sharks fly at you like missiles, taking a leg off with no effort.  In another, they fall towards you and just crush you.  In yet another, they fall towards you and make sure to bite your head off.  At one point, the shark pile thing emerges from the water (how? why?) near Okinawa and they proceed to say that 'it is headed towards Japan.'  That is Japan, you idiots!  Oh and they use Bai Ling and Margaret Cho for the part in Japan, even though they are Chinese and Korean-American respectively. So much of this is stupid- like Gil being given a helmet that somehow protects you from Sharknados while inside of one. So much of this is pointless- like letting Kattan survive getting his leg lopped off just to kill him in the next Scene. This whole thing is just stupid and I'm not even laughing ironically at this point. By all means though, make one more Film and exploit my childhood some more...

Another stupid, stupid Film.  The charm is all gone, as it just keeps going and going, no matter how much my mind tries to make it end!

Impossibly-Cool Cover Art: Sharkansas Women's Prison Massacre

Yes, this is a real Film Title.
No, I haven't seen it.

Why do I have to when I can see this amazing Poster from overseas instead?

So is that Shark in Silent Running Mode?

Seriously though, how do they NOT see or hear this thing?  Also how deep is that water?

So yeah, I can nitpick the hell out of this nonsense Poster, so why bother with the Film?

Here's the original version...

Mine is brighter and better.  It is still ridiculous as hell though!

Old-School TV: One Step Beyond- 'Doomsday'

After a short break from these, I'm back.  Technical issues with the Discs are a problem, but I found a good one nonetheless...

This is one of the few I've seen with a Title Card, so I'm adding it...

Our Host explains to us that this Castle is tied to two things- beauty and a curse.  Are either real?

A rich man's eldest son dies and it is blamed on a Romani Girl.  She is sentenced to death for her 'crime' and curses the man's family.

On the plus side, she doesn't come back as a brain-eating monster!

In the present (of 1951), an ancestor (played by the same guy) is dying in the Castle.  How can this get worse?

Well, his eldest Son is freaking out- since the curse says that the eldest Son will die before the father.

He keeps freaking out so much that his Wife and Doctor trick him by saying that his Dad died.  They go to prepare his sedative (which isn't just a pill?)...

...but don't realize that he wants to say his good-byes.  He says his peace and walks away, only for the not-dead Father to stir.

He takes this well.

...and falls out the window to his death.

The moral: curses are real and don't lie to people!

A simple tale with a twist that even Helen Keller saw coming.  The set-up here is pretty good: rich guy plays Romani Girl (I won't say what they actually call her) for death and curse is made.  We skip past generations of deaths, some of which can be blamed on a curse, while some must be a coincidence.  Yes, he calls out what the odds of this being a coincidence are- touché.  The Acting here is actually quite good, with the main guy- the Son fearing his death- playing his part with the right amount of gravitas and fear.  He 'knows' that his death is coming shortly.  To be fair, he's proven right, but only through an elaborate bit of circumstances.  Why not watch him the whole time until you knock him out?  Why not at least lock the door to the Dad's Room?  It's a classic example of 'create the situation by trying to avoid it.'  Unlike other ones, he doesn't try to tell us that this really happened- which is odd.  He's usually more overt, even trying to back it up with Books and such.  While the twist is obvious, the whole thing is played out well, making this one of the less cheesy and/or melodramatic Episodes (mostly).  My copy also ends with a general pitch for the Show, rather than an Episode Teaser.  Odd.

Next time, more old-school suspense and morality.  Will I ever believe in any of this?  See you then...

Quick Reviews: Atomic Blonde

After impressing many with John Wick, can the same success be transplanted for one of its Directors?  Before Deadpool 2, we got this, so let's see...

An Agent- Charlize Theron- is being debriefed in the wake of a mission set during the fall of the Berlin Wall.

She's not doing well, as it took its toll on her.  How could it be so bad?

She is sent to Berlin and meets up another Agent- James McAvoy- and they have to find a MacGuffin...I mean, a Declassified List of Agents.

With the KGB constantly on her tail, can the Agent find the List?

Can she find a little love on the side while she's working the mission?

It is going to be a tough fight- no matter what the outcome.

To find out how it all goes, watch the Film.

An exciting, if sometimes-pretentious Film.  Is this the female John Wick?  Kind of.  That's obviously a bit of an oversimplification- no doubt made by a Film Executive- but it kind of rings true.  It shares a Director- the Co-Director of Wick- and both feature similar people.  They both feature super well-trained Agents- albeit with different Employers and goals- and kinetic action.  It is clear that many of the same people are involved with both Films.  Aside from those aspects, this is its own Film.  Theron shines as the sort-of Title Role, a beleaguered MI6 Agent who will not give up.  The way they set her up is interesting too, as you see her in the aftermath.  She's battered, bruised and just holding on.  The next time you see her it is the start of the mission and she looks immaculate.  You know that bad stuff is going to happen.  I will say that the Film can be a bit pretentious, whether it is playing with Story Structure and the use of Songs in the Soundtrack.  The Music can be a bit 'on the nose' at times- its almost charming in its silliness.  Atomic Blonde is bright, well-made and fun.  If you like John Wick, it will do it for you.  If everything about John Wick bothered you, then avoid this one.  As for me, I'll be keeping an eye out for '90s Action Stars.  Oh look- the guy from Future War!

A fun, exciting Film that delivers what you expect.  The Plot is not exactly the most concise and linear though- you've been warned.

Forgotten TV: Ray Bradbury Theater- 'The Screaming Woman'

Another Episode of this all-but-forgotten Show.  Only 63 more to go after this!

Okay, I probably won't do all of them, but I will at least do this one, on account of its future Star...

After a weird, 2nd open (see the Stinger), we see the actual Story.  It focuses on a girl- Drew Barrymore- who loves scary stories and over-sized magazines.

Fun fact: the then-10-year-old Drew had already drank more than I had in over 3 times that many years.  Yea or Boo?

She is sent to pick up some Ice Cream, but hears a strange moaning sound.  She follows it to a nearby Field and hears it coming from the ground!

She tells her Parents, who jokingly-dismiss it.

Since this is by a good Writer, however, the Dad eventually plays along, but no sound happens then.

She takes matters into her own hands- '80s kids being incredibly-unparented!- and tries to dig near the sound, but is stopped by her Neighbor.

She cons a neighbor kid into helping her, but their late-night snooping (again- no parents to interfere) doesn't prove to be fruitful.

In a strange move, she goes to the creepy Neighbor's House alone and he's clearly up to something.

I figured that you wanted a break from Drew shots, but is this really better?

Eventually, the Dad starts to hear someone humming a song.  In a Chekhov's Song, he remembers it being the one that the Neighbor's Wife- who he once dated- had written for him.

He shows up to save Drew and the Police find the woman alive.  The End.

A decent tale of suspense and family.  After the last Episode's confusing Story and turn, my hopes were less high.  Thankfully, this one mostly delivers on what it promises.  It wisely focuses on the young girl and sticks with it.  As a big Star at the time, this may seem obvious, but I could easily see this with a more split focus.  This way, it makes a more consistent tale and a stronger one.  She knows that she heard something.  She knows that she has to do something.  She's only 10, but she has to help a person.  That's a strong motivation for anyone- especially a child!  The whole thing isn't perfect, but I do like that everything pays off.  Creepy Neighbor- paid off.  Random song- paid off.  It all works together nicely.  This is still Made-for-TV stuff, so it doesn't look super-expensive and doesn't do all that much with the darker elements here.  That does give it a certain charm, even as it limits it.  I'll leave you with this- why did we need this Intro (after the Show's actual Intro) with Bradbury meeting a guy and playing with a Dowsing Rod?  I mean, it kind of relates, but...why is it on this Episode?  Was it just short?

Next time, more Stars and more tales.  I doubt any of these will ever really get scary, but I'll certainly try to find one.

Animondo: My Mental Choices Are Completely Interfering With My School Romantic Comedy

Mistakes were made.

Welcome back to Animondo.

Fair warning...this one's going to deal with some topics that aren't exactly suited for polite conversation. I'm not going to go into detail if I can help it, but fair warning nonetheless.

My Mental Choices are Completely Interfering with my School Romantic Comedy has a silly title and an interesting enough concept. Amakusa Kanade, a male high school student, has an odd curse: Periodically - usually when it is most inconvenient and massively embarrassing for him - he'll have a vision of two choices that float before him in text form, like you might see in the interface of some video game or another. He has to pick one or the other - he doesn't get to walk away or refuse to choose, and the curse uses increasing physical pain to enforce this. Discovering that by fulfilling a series of "missions" in his daily life, he might be able to get rid of the curse, he sets about trying to perform those tasks the best he can.

I'm not particularly fond of this show, but I do want to take a little time to highlight some good points all the same. My Mental Choices has a little bit in the first episode that's quite fun where it presents a variety of famous historical people making choices that lead them to their great inventions or deeds (or in some cases, famous historical endings), all using the same sort of presentation that Kanade will see throughout the show. It's rapid-fire and pretty amusing, and they slip in some really quick gags that you have to be quick to spot (in particular, one person's choice turning out to be between his historical deed and "maybe go frolic with a dolphin?"). It's a cute bit.

I'm also going to take a moment to just say that there's some decent little character humor in the show...when they aren't making the sort of jokes I'll get into later, there's some clever points and some fun absurd sort of humor here. The show is not without good points...it's just that it's a lot of work to find them among the stuff that was keeping me constantly annoyed.

The big problem is that My Mental Choices is...let's generously say problematic. It's like they took all the bad stuff that you hear about from some anime - except, y'know, outright porn - and put it in one show and turned the dial to 11. Fanservice, jokes about certain parts of the anatomy, unlikely wardrobe malfunctions, strange anatomical proportions...all here, all front and center. Other shows sometimes wander into this territory, or get one or two of these things, or use them once or twice. And that's a black mark on those shows, and they would be stronger without it.

My Mental Choices makes that the focus.

It's like I'm watching Freddy Got Fingered or Tim and Eric in anime form.

...no, it's still not that bad.

Also, please don't get any ideas.

Whether its the jokes the characters are making, the situations they're finding themselves in, or the weird choices Kanade's curse comes up with, it always leads to this sort of thing, and it pretty well renders the show unwatchable if you're not someone who is particularly into that sort of humor.

It isn't even complex or clever about it. Just, whoops, we're making a joke about breasts now! Here we go! If the show's threatening to get interesting or try something that took more thought for a bit, you can be pretty sure that in about three seconds either someone's going to just crack an inappropriate joke or Kanade's choice curse is going to kick in and ask him to choose between two things that make him look like an utter pervert (or one thing that makes him look like an utter pervert and another that just obviously can't be chosen at all). It happens with such regularity and predictability that you can pretty much feel it coming...which would be a good thing if it was ever something complex or interesting, but it isn't. Anytime I felt like I was actually getting to settle in and enjoy a few moments of the show, either for some cleaner humor or some actual attempts to do something to develop the characters, I could sense it all about to come crashing down.

You don't get extra points for criticizing your own concept, show.

It's just annoying.

There's potential here. There is. The concept could work for something more generally comedic - things that are embarrassing or weird but not, y'know...this. The show does do that sometimes - for instance, an early choice has Kanade just doing a headstand and shouting the name of his favorite historical figure, which makes him look weird, but (unless I've missed something, which is entirely possible) isn't particularly problematic. Or it could work by playing more with stuff that's actively impossible, like a few of the choices do suggest - things that change Kanade physically, for instance, or change the reality of the world (admittedly, when the show does that currently, it tends towards changes that are themselves questionable, but in this hypothetical situation it'd pick better there too). Instead, it dwells largely on making him do stupid and/or offensive and/or perverted things.

Basically, the show's set up to give the main character a bit of an out, a reason we wouldn't think of him as an utter jerk. The curse doesn't serve to set up interesting story elements - it serves to give the main character an excuse for the actions he takes. That's all. Kanade has to do this stuff, so it's not his fault, right? It's such a problem for him.

And look, I get it. I don't find it particularly interesting how it's done here, but I get it. The idea of someone who is constantly forced to choose between things that he doesn't like could be a compelling and/or comedic story. It just...isn't in this case. Again...here, it's just an excuse. It isn't a source of the story...it's an interruption.

The moments that My Mental Choices gets it right served more to make me sad than anything else. When a blessed joke landed that wasn't related to the certain parts of the anatomy, I got to see what the writing might've been capable of without all the inappropriate humor. It's not like it was the greatest comedy in anime in those moments, but it could be pretty good...and the thought that I was struggling through this show rather than enjoying an alternate universe where the actually funny stuff was the main focus just made it all the worse. It's not that the show lacks good comedy - there were several points where I found myself laughing. And it's not that it lacks nice character moments - there were a good number of points where I found myself interested in a development. It's just that those moments aren't in the majority - sadly, the show is capable of real comedy but chooses to grab for the low-hanging fruit most of the time.

What would've been so bad about doing this concept, and just...making it about embarrassing and nonsensical things instead? You could still get all the stuff about people thinking Kanade was weird. You just don't have to go where My Mental Choices goes. It adds nothing to the show.

So...I'm going to leave off there. I think I've made my point.

I tolerate a lot sometimes watching shows, anime or otherwise. Sometimes stuff bugs me, but just not enough to overwhelm my enjoyment of a show. Whether it's inappropriate humor, fanservice, gore, language, or anything else, we all have varying tolerance levels for it. Sometimes it's there but it doesn't ruin a show for us. Sometimes it's too much.

This was too much, at least in my book. Maybe someone else could watch this and find the rest of the humor worth it. Or heck, maybe I'm misreading things or getting too uptight, and someone could find how this is a brilliant satire of the very stuff I'm talking about. Maybe so.

All I can say is that for me, this went too far.

Dubbed or Subbed?: To the best of my knowledge, this show is only available subtitled. The subtitling work is perfectly fine, and character "voices" come through in it, so in the event you still want to check this show out after the above review, you shouldn't find that interfering with the experience, at least.

Next time, more of "wait, why is the main character stuck in a pig costume?" and less of the other stuff, please.

Lost in Translation: City of the Living Dead

Lucio Fulci Films can often be hard to make sense of.

As such, I give a little bit of leeway to the people in Poland that made this Poster for one of his most famous Films...

That's...good?

To be fair, that part is in the Film.

Of course, there are LOTS of Shots in the Film, so why pick this one?!?

Here's the original...

Not too different, but my subtle changes are improvements (if you ask me).