Lost in Translation?: Zombi 2/Zombie Flesh Eaters

What's in a name?  Something something Shakespeare.

A name can make or break something, whether it is a Book or a Film or even a Dog.  In this case, it is how Denmark and/or Germany chose to market Lucio Fulci's Cult Classic...

Come again?

While the Poster looks neat, I don't understand the Title one bit.  Was this really better than the many other choices?

Hell, this Movie has been called Island of the Living Dead and Zombi 2: Invasion of the Living Dead.  Either of those are better!

As it tradition, I present to you the original Version I found...

Nothing really to change- just to make flashier and bolder.

Triple B Flix: Return to Savage Beach

It's the end of the World as we know it...and I feel fine.  Today's Film is Return to Savage Beach, the 1998 Film that proved to be the last one made by Andy Sidaris.  Given his 2006 death from Cancer, I'm just going to assume that he retired from filmmaking.  I wouldn't want to presume or speculate about any future project he had planned- if one even existed.  These Movies are too stupid and ridiculous to make depressing, so let me move on from this subject.  As the final Film in the Series, this has to be epic.  So, naturally, it's...a Sequel to a Film from the Series that didn't need one.  Seriously, almost NONE of the Actors from that Film were available/willing to appear at this point.  On top of that, the Plot of Savage Beach had them discovering the Treasure- end of story.  So, naturally, there is just more treasure.  Don't go Half Past Dead 2 on us!  The one area Sidaris did go big on was repetition and, I guess, nostalgia.  Are you nostalgic for when these Films were based around a Radio Station and Cargo Pilots?  As an additional note, this is still a Sequel to Day of the Warrior.  So that means a return of Bagwell- hence why Bob suffered through this with me- and Obregon...but only one is playing the same Character.  Obregon is playing the Villain from Savage Beach...who just happens to be the twin of the guy they just battled...again.  Given how they randomly-recast Kane for 2 Films or had Erik Estrada inexplicably be a good guy in his 2nd (and last) Sidaris Film, this is nothing new, I guess.  This one is slightly less of a Plot mess than the last Film- at least at first.  To see Sidaris go out with a bang (or two...or three), read on...

Holy Abrupt Location Change, Batman!  The Film opens in Hawaii and Julie Strain is there with...the Co-Creator of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  Weird for so many reasons!

Good news, fans- the Sextrologist is back, but none of the Characters you actually cared about are!

In a repeat (or homage, I guess) of the early Films, our Heroes stop an Arms Deal.  This is done by way of a confusing series of events...

1) Shoot Explosive Tipped Bolt at Box of Explosives.
2) Nothing happens.
3) Man shoots Grenade Launcher at said Bolt.
4) First sparks and then explosion.

This lady disguises herself as a Pizza Lady and drugs the people in the LETHAL Force (new name) Building, since 'they sent everyone to help on the mission.'  Nobody else was with the 2 Agents, but...whatever.

The point of this: to steal the map to Savage Beach.  

Hey look- it's Paul Logan.  Before he was scissor-kicking CG Fish or mourning his 3rd Place Winner Son, he was in this Film.

Question- is working with The Asylum a step-up?

Plot Dump time as one of our Leads is suddenly-related to a Filipino General connected to the gold.  Cue the Stock Footage!

So they made all of the effort to get Buff Bagwell back.  He shows up, retcons that opening kill bit (it was now a Serial Killer, so they lessened his sentence) and is now an Agent.

After one brief fight, he does nothing but, well, this.

Here's the biggest problem with the Film- too many places and people.

Just in 90 minutes, we get trips from/to Los Angeles, Hawaii, Texas, Paris and the titular Island.
The Cast includes Okamura (wasted), Strain and Bagwell back, the Sextrologist, Mr. TMNT, an Asian Lady (who does nothing), Lead Agent, Paul Logan and the two lady Agents.

Sidaris can barely manage 4 people in these, let alone of these people!

Sparing you most of this Plot, Lead Agent is kidnapped by the blonde from earlier and some Ninjas.  Their goal- take some never-before-seen treasure on the Island.

One Ninja shoots the guy and he seems to be dead.  He lays on the ground and we see...that the Amulet blocked the bullet...but he's bleeding...and he's knocked out.  Um...come again?!?

After we learn that the blonde bad lady is actually undercover (naturally!), we get the long, drawn-out ending with Obregon.  I'll sum it up for you (and spare you like 10 minutes)...

Obregon reveals in a mixed of new and Stock Footage how he survived.  He somehow flew Dona's plane back, since I guess she didn't notice somehow!  After stealing his prints, we learn that...Obregon is actually his evil Cousin in disguise!

To make matters worse, we learn later that Obregon actually did survive!  You're ending the Series on this, guys?  Alright.  The End.

Ending with a convoluted bang of sorts.  Return to Savage Beach is not a good Film.  After 11 of these, is that a surprise?  More than the others, however, there is a confusing sense of Been There, Done That.  I've been repetitious in mentioning how repetitious this Series is as a whole, but this goes to a whole new level.  The Film is a weird sort of love letter to itself.  It jumps from location to location seemingly just to check off the boxes.  It's my job to check off boxes while watching this thing, not you!  The Film brings back many things, but not people.  Dona Speir was too good to actually show up for this one?  Ouch.  It is the worst kind of self-homage- a tedious one.  Why move from Hawaii to Texas to Los Angeles and then back again?  We shot Films in those places, so shut up.  Other than a tedious, drawn-out Ending, there's nothing new here.  All of the obvious stuff is here- pointless Sex Scenes, explosions, slow motion and exploding toys- and it is somehow worse than before.  Bagwell's Scene- seen earlier- follows one of them being kidnapped- time and place, guys!  Logan's Scene is an awkward stop after some Plot/Action AND also features a Fantasy Scenario for no good reason.  Just to annoy Bob, the exploding Toy Car is back, but also a Tank Toy...that just explodes too.  Why make it a Tank?!?  So yeah, this sucks.  If you've seen the other Films like I have, it is too self-referential with no improvements.  If you haven't seen all of them, you'll be confused why stuff happens and why they change locations so much for so little Plot.  On the plus side, I'm done with this until I dare go back and watch Sidaris' Seven.  Take us away, silly exploding Toys...

Next time, a 2-part look at the Films that Actors make to fund what they actually want.  First up, the money Film and it's Quest For relevance.  Stay tuned...

TV on the Internet: Ash vs. Evil Dead- 'Booth Three'

Another week of me being way behind on this Show.  It still works best for you- the Internet- so take it for what it is.

What will happen to Ash and company this week?  Let's see...

Ruby has her baby...or something and it doesn't end well for two random people.  Can I do Poor Bastards of TV now?

On the plus side, it is still too cuter than the Twilight Baby.

We learn that Kelly started working with this new guy while Evil was dormant.  He thinks that something is up with Pablo.

He sees this person appear and tell him that he has to embrace his destiny and all that.

So yeah, no problems here.

The titular Evil targets Ash and 'his seed,' since a Prophecy states that his heir will be the death of them.

This all leads to a great Scene in a Sperm Bank that I wouldn't dare SPOIL.  Just watch the Show.

A sticky and fun Episode.  If you watched it, you know what I mean.  Gross.  Joking aside, this second Episode manages to avoid the issue that can often happen in 2nd Episodes of a Season- slowing things down too much.  The 1st Episode- no matter what Season or Show- is all about introducing big things and giving one big moment to get your attention.  The 2nd Episode is almost always a drag, now that things are settled in and Characters have to move the Plot forward.  This one avoids all that, managing to deftly do both things in a fun way.  We see Pablo, Kelly and the others, but still get our 'Ash fights a freaky Deadite' Scene.  Good work.  The 3rd Season is holding up well, so let's see where they go with it.  Now, if you'll excuse me, my friend is preparing Dinner...

Next time, the evil gets stronger and Ash...well, is still Ash.  What could possibly happen next?  See you then...

Creepy Rigatoni: Channel Zero, Butcher's Block- Episode 4

After a busy week last week, I might as well play catch-up here.  It's another trip to the Town that is still trying (in vain) to make me be a Vegan..

Alice travels through the doorway to get her Sister.  The place sure is...pretty?

While it is a nice-looking place, some freaky stuff is hanging around that you don't want to catch you...

Back in our World, this pair learn that getting rid of a dead body is not easy.  On top of that, the repercussions are much worse...

Can Alice save her Sister or is it too late?

To find out, watch the Show!

Another freaky and trippy Episode.  In the weird world of flowers and Peaches, monsters of all kinds linger.  In the dark world of corruption and reality, human monsters linger about.  What this Episode gives you is the contrast between the two.  One of them is a freaky monster with a giant head that represents your inner fears.  The other is a man who lets terrible things happen for a theoretically-good reason.  Which one is worse?  Is one of them justified?  On top of that contrast, we get that of the bizarre and inhuman monsters and the all too real ones.  Are the Peaches truly evil?  The Show continues to shock and impress.  With only two more Episodes to go for me, what else can they do?  While I await my answer, I have to deal with something worse than Grasshoppers in my Garden...

Next time, more craziness in the weird world of Peaches.  How much stranger and more shocking can this get?  See you then...

Lost in Translation: Salem's Lot (1979)

I found this one online, so thanks for whoever posted this.  I mean, it's not like I make the Originals, so someone also has to post them first.

In any event, here's how it was sold upon Theatrical Release in Spain (it was corrected for VHS)...

Well, James Mason was a tall Man, so...points, I guess.

Seriously though...what the hell?!?

As always, the Original...

Hey- you don't always have to work miracles with these.

Holiday Flix: The Gravedancers (2006)

The wrong kind of Wake to try and achieve.  Today's Film is The Gravedancers, a 2006 Horror Film with an odd little premise.  The Film tells the tale of 3 people that anger some spirits by dancing on their graves after, well, imbibing too many spirits.  It was apparently inspired by the Haunted Mansion from Disney.  I guess this is arguably a better version of this than the Disney one still!  The Film was apparently pitched in 1999, but didn't come out until 2006.  How did it get released?  Why as part of the After Dark Horrorfest, of course!  Incidentally, that's not still a thing right?  I'm too apathetic to Google it, if I'm being honest.  Notable people include Dominic Purcell- before slumming it in Uwe Boll Films-, Tcheky Karyo and Director Mike Mendez- of Big Ass Spider.  With that in mind, it sure is 'shocking' to see this turn into a Creature Feature by the time the Third Act rolls around.  The Director of Lavalantula did this?!?  No way!  It is a strange, mixed bag of serious and silly.  Oh and it's for this Holiday since the crux of the Film is based around an Irish Wake.  I know, I know- I thought it would be more Irish.  I'll do you next year, Shrooms.  Are you ready to dance a jig on some plots?  If so, read on...

In the wake of a friend's death- he's so important that he's played by a Producer in one Photo-, the group attend his service.  After Purcell's fiancée leaves, the remaining trio drink.

Is this Irish enough yet?

They go to the Cemetery and drink- as you do- when one of them finds a note.  This inspires them to dance on some graves.

Remember this note for later.

So, bearing mind that she didn't do anything, the wife of Purcell is the first one to be haunted.  I mean, it's in Purcell's House, but still...why?

Did Mendez just love her cry face?

Their friend Kira is found in her House having been sexually-assaulted.  What fun!

Oh and this bearded guy is from Cabin Fever.  I don't know why, but alright.

This woman continues to be haunted.  Seriously, why does she keep getting picked on?!?

The third guy calls some Ghost Hunters- including Karyo- who arrive within hours!  They eventually discover that the spirits are all 3 killers who are super-evil.

The only solution: take the bodies and rebury them.  Of course.

It's the Third Act, so the plan didn't work- I'll explain later- and the Ghosts are empowered.  Apparently they get stronger as the Month-long haunting time-limit, because reasons.

On the plus side, this Movie finally has some good visuals- creepy as they may be.

It all builds and builds to the point of insanity.  By the end, the giant face of a ghost appears and chases our Heroes in a Hummer as they crash through walls to toss some heads in a grave.

I mean...damn.

In the aftermath, the duo bury their friends and we see the Caretaker putting a new note on a grave.  Sequel Bait?  Why not?

Oh right- no Sequel.  The End.

A weird bit of fun- eventually.  The whole Plot isn't that unique.  It is a slightly-different way to get to the same point: killer Ghosts.  To the Film's credit, there is a mix of them and they do things a little differently.  You get the Rapist Ghost, Pyromaniac Ghost and the Axe Murder Ghost.  They each have their own looks and feels, so fair play to you.  The execution- no pun intended- isn't that consistently-great though.  The build up of the ghosts- like tiny, fiery foot steps and piano music- isn't that interesting.  I should also note that there is ZERO build-up with the third Ghost- he just goes right to rape, apparently!  The problem with the Film to first note is the mix of Tone and Pacing.  The Film has a slow burn, but also indulges in a lot of unnecessary Drama.  The fighting between the group is kind of uninteresting, if I'm being honest.  It also slows things down a bit too.  On top of that, it stands in stark contrast to where the Film ends up.  By the end, an Axe Wielding Ghost summons an Axe from outside like it's Mjolnir.  The Ghost have the power to literally change the world around them, moving the gates closer to the House to trap them in!  They get chased by a giant ghost head!  I know that Mendez likes to indulge in some weirdness, but I feel like the Film would have worked better if it was more of one or the other.  It is like mixing your Pinot Grigio with Pop Rocks- who does that?!?  I will also note that a tacked-on Opening Kill was from the Studio and the Director didn't do it.  Now in your in the illustrious company of The Birds 2.  You may love it for the Drama.  You may love it for the silly Horror.  In the end, I'm not sure that anyone truly wins.  Well, actually, that's not true.  Their 'corporate sponsor' here sure did win.

Next time, I take one last look at the work of Andy Sidaris.  Will he go out with a bang or 16 Endings?  Stay tuned...

Nazi Sci-Fi-spolitation?: Outpost (2008)

The worst Tourism Video for Eastern Europe since Hostel.  Today's Film is Outpost, a 2008 Film that has lingered around in my Netflix Queue for a long, long time.  The main reason: the fact that it has 2 Sequels.  The existence of these says nothing about the quality of the Film- see Leprechaun-, but it did make me curious.  Oh and the Film has a pseudo-Sci-Fi Plot involving Nazis.  It also stars my favorite Punisher- Ray Stevenson from War Zone.  Fun Side Note: Ray was in that Film and then the Thor Series.  Also from a more edgy, non-canonical Marvel Film and in Thor- Idris Elba.  Good company, mate.  The Film is about a bunch of Mercenaries taking an assignment of getting a rich guy through a war zone to find something important.  That turns out to be a Bunker full of Sci-Fi stuff that may be the death of them all!  The whole thing is bleak and gray- thanks again for popularizing Color Correction, Cohen Brothers!-, but is it good?  To find out, soldier on...

Ray Stevenson is a Mercenary.  He's not happy, but he'll take any job he has to right now.

He puts together a small team to take a rich guy to where he wants to go.

Seriously, I hope you like muddy gray.  This Film is almost entirely that!

He takes them to a mysterious Bunker and they look around.  What kind of stuff could be in here?

Dead bodies, of course!  Lots of them!

On the plus side, it's still only the 3rd worst Air BNB Rental Story ever.

They discover the dark secret of this Bunker- Nazis.

The Employer is looking into the secrets of this Bunker, but someone is looking into him too.

As it turns out, the Nazis were experimenting with some sort of energy MacGuffin that ended up doing something weird- trapping them in some sort of limbo where they both exist and don't exist...or something.

Look- it is Magic Super-Nazis- just go with it.

Can our Heroes figure out the truth and find a way to save themselves?

Will the Nazis prove to be unbeatable?  Will they ever lose their flair for the dramatic?

To find out, watch the Film.

Damn dark, dreary and bloody.  Outpost is an odd little Film.  It's not really good.  The overall look (gray tint aside) and atmosphere is good.  The Plot takes some nice weird and unexpected turns- use of Nazis aside.  The Acting is fine and nobody does a bad job.  On the flip side, it's not really all that bad either.  The gray-tinting is very annoying after a while, to be fair.  The Plot is basically just a setup for seemingly-invincible bad guys who exist as Nazi versions of Mary Sues.  Leni Sues?  I'll get back to you on that.  Thanks to super-science, they can just kind of appear out of nowhere, seemingly can't be killed and have super-strength.  I know they *try* to explain this in an interesting way, but it is mostly just a cheat.  It makes me wonder if the 2 Sequels are just new Versions of 'Find Nazis, fight ineffectively against them and then Roll Credits.'  I guess I have to watch them and find out.  I can appreciate how serious they take this, but the overall silliness of Super Nazis makes me yearn for something more like Dead Snow 2.  Hell, there's a Film coming out where Nazi Zombies fight in Planes made out of killer Sharks coming out this Year!  The Film is...fine, but nothing special.  Speaking of which, here's a Film Company name that's...fine, but nothing special.

Next time, I celebrate a lovely Holiday with the return of a Series.  It's only been 3+ Years, so I might as well get festive with them.

Poor Bastards of Cinema: Phenomena (Part 2)

Another poor victim in a Film full of them.  These one are especially worthy of note though.

While in Switzerland, our Heroine wants to call her Dad for help, you know, on account of all the murders.  He's unavailable, but someone will be there eventually.

So after being chased by the killer, facing all sorts of crazy stuff and escaping the killer- twice!-, she makes it to shore nearby.

Who's in that Car ahead?

It's Morris- her Dad's friend.  Finally, a happy ending after all of this...

Yeah, I saw that coming.

The bottom line: he went out of his way to try and help a young girl.  His reward- a comically-abrupt decapitation from Argento's ex-lover.

The moral: don't help Jennifer Connelly.  She knows what happens when you try.

Next time, some kills from Gang Wars/Devil's Express.  It is 1/3 random killing, so I'm good.