Quick *Holiday* Reviews: Krampus (2015)

After two Low-Budget Horror Versions, why not a commercial one from a real Studio?  Okay...

As Christmas approaches, a bickering Family is forced to be together for the Holidays.

Hey, it can't be any worse than the Months you spent shooting Hellraiser 4, right Adam?

When their Daughter goes off to see her Boyfriend, a mysterious hooved creature pursues her...

The House is attacked by a group of toy-themed Creatures in the Film's highlight.  Creepy stuff!

Can the Family stay safe in the House or will they be picked off one-by-one?

Will Krampus get what he wants this year or will the Family get their happy ending?  To find out, watch the Film already.  It's been a Year now!

Fun, if bloodless Horror.  Right off the bat, let me get this out of the way: the Film is PG-13.  It gets close to R-Rated, but keeps the major things implied.  You get most of what you want here if you watch these Films to see people get killed.  It is a little bit of a tease to keep the Rating- deal with it.  Outside of that, the Film is quite fun, a little nicer than the Trailers let on and looks nice too.  They nail the stark Winter look, something I thankfully don't have to appreciate in person.  Mind you, it just snowed in Hawaii, so all bets may be off!  In any event, the Story is simple enough to draw you in and they ratchet up the stakes with new, freaky Monsters.  There's not a whole lot of Krampus in his Film (though more than Cthulhu was in Cthulhu!).  He isn't playing secondary to random Subplots or just being used for pointless, bloody killing, so I'll take it in stride.  When you see Krampus, the effect works quite well.  If you mixed The Ghost of Christmas Future from Scrooged and the Villain from Legend & you'd have him.  He also gives me Rare Exports flashbacks, so that is always fun.  Ultimately, Krampus isn't quite the Film it could be, but still proves to be a deeper and more fun experience than I expected.  See you next year, Krampus...

It is fun, PG-13 Horror that doesn't do a whole lot with the actual Krampus.  That aside, it can be quite entertaining.

Quick Reviews: All Through the House

Well, it is nearly Christmas, so that means that I have to do at least one more low-Budget Christmas Film...

In a nice, quiet Town, a man dressed as a Killer Santa is on the loose.

Is there a system for making sure that only one shows up at a time?  Do they have to check in on 4Square or something?

Our Heroine is a woman coming back to Town for the Holidays and mourning her missing Mother.

She has an odd resemblance to WWE's Paige, which is a really weird coincidence all things considered!

The masked Man has two basic moves: stab with shears and cut off junk.  Nice guy.

What does this all have to do with a missing girl from the past?  I won't SPOIL.

Will the killer continue his spree unabated?  Will he continue to act like Michael Meyers, further complicating the whole 'Is Black Christmas the inspiration for Halloween' thing?

Or will his killing spree be stopped by our heroes (or all of these butterflies)?  To find out, watch the Film.

Gray Christmas.  This one is all about two things: Christmas and ridiculous gore.  The Killer goes old-school with some shears straight out of The Burning.  I suppose it is only fitting given how this Film is arguably a mix of Halloween and Black Christmas (two even older Films).  It definitely has the cheap, grimey thing going for it, even if I'm not sure how much of that is intentional.  The big draw here is the old-school gore.  You get lots of stabbings, cuttings and slashings.  They never change up the weaponry, but at least mix up the locations.  Ultimately though, this Film is about 70% random people being killed by 'Santa' and 30% Plot.  Said Plot is kind of interesting at first, but ultimately didn't keep my interest.  As always, I realize that some of you may like it more.  All Through the House is a decent, but shallow attempt at doing an Old-School Holiday Slasher Film.  It does have some nice Snowmen in it though...

Bloody and not that engrossing for me, unfortunately.  You may buy into the Story more than I did though.

TV on the Internet: Ash vs Evil Dead- 'Second Coming'

As much as I want to Review this, it also means the end of Season 2 of...

Back at the Cabin, a freaky Demon wants to kill Ash, while another Evil approaches from the outside.

Can Ash vanquish this evil creature?  Can he fix his past?

It seems like he got some good news....but why do I feel like there is a catch?

With one last fight to go, can Ash win and make things right (for real this time)?

Or will the Evil prove to be too great for even him this Season?  To find out, watch the Show.

Good, solid closure to the Season.  Without SPOILing too much, they address and seem to wrap up all the Plots of the Year.  We have the whole 'Town hates Ash' thing.  We have Ba'al.  We have Lucy Lawless' Character Arc.  We have Pablo and Kelly trying to be real Heroes.  We have Ash dealing with his Dad and his old Buddy.  All of it seems to get some closure.  Of course, this isn't the end.  Until then, we can enjoy Ash's crazy lack of planning, improbable heroics and his ability to always say the worst thing possible.  The Season has been a strong one, constantly keeping people like me on my toes.  You could argue that they weren't quite sure how to wrap things up last Season, leading to some awkward maneuvering at the start of this Season.  I don't foresee that problem for Season 3, so yea.  I still Amanda though.  In any event, I will do what I can to make it through the months of no new AvED and leave you with one last shot of Ash's face being covered in blood...

I can't tell you what is going to happen for a while, so just enjoy the Show so far until the inevitable ComicCon tease...

Top Ten Best Films of 2016 (That I Reviewed)

Alright, last one.  Honest.

The only requirements here: I reviewed the Film and it came out in 2016.

All clear?  Okay!

Honorable mentions go to Sadako vs. Kayako, Antibirth, Ghostbusters, Lazer Team, Holidays, The Dooms Chapel Horror, Assassination Classroom: The Graduation, The Mermaid, Batman: Bad Blood & Electra Woman and Dyna Girl.

10. Midnight Special: This one came with lots of hype, but still very much delivered.  The Story is strong, the Acting is great and it all just plain works.

9. Stranger Things: Am I cheating by including this?  Maybe.  Is the Internet going to care?  Not likely.  It is just that damn good!

8. Spotlight: Do I look like a real Critic by including this one?  I joke, but it was quite good and definitely deserves all the praise that it gets.  Just forget that the same Director also made The Cobbler.

7. League of Gods: Pure bizarre spectacle.  It barely makes a lick of sense, but I loved it!

6. Doctor Strange: Yes, I may be a Marvel Fanboy, but it is easy when they make such good Films.  I can only really nitpick this one for little things.  It made a Character work that Marvel had so little faith in that they hadn't tried to give him another real shot since the 70s!

5. Green Room: You can't live forever, but you can at least Star in really good Movies before you go.  Anton Yelchin may not be with us anymore, but this nail-biting, claustrophobic new Classic still us.

4. Batman- Return of the Caped Crusaders: Hey, it's my List now!  This Animated Film nailed the Batman 66' spirit, had some of the Original Cast and was actually a more complex narrative than I expected.  Batman fights in Zero G.  What else do you need?!?

3. The VVitch: A 17th Century Horror Film?  Who would have guessed!  Maybe we should make more Films like this.

2. Deadpool: If you're judging solely by quality, the Film has many issues.  If you're judging based on how awesome it is, Deadpool should win all the Oscars!  High five, Mr. Pool!

1. Captain America- Civil War:Yeah, I'm totally-biased.  This one is great because it legitimately-built off of everything Marvel has done.  Characters have relationships going back several Films, events not mentioned aside from one Film (like Winter Soldier) play a big part and, of course,the Airport Scene.  I don't have to defend this pick, do I?

So that's my final, final List.

I can't wait to see what 2017 has in store for me.  Can DC make a solid, live-action Film?  Can Marvel keep pace?

Top Ten Craziest Foreign Films: 2016 Edition

So there is only one qualifier for this one: it must be Foreign.

The Countries I've covered Films from this year include Japan, Australia, China, Italy, England, Mexico, Austria, Denmark, Russia, Egypt, Brazil and Ireland!

Honorable Mentions include Turkish Mad Max, Lake of Dracula, Mil Mascaras vs. The Mummy, Attack on Titan: Part 1 & 2 and Marauders.

Let's get to the crazy...

10. Wild Beasts: Stop me if you've heard this one before- a Zoo accidentally lets PCP get in their Water Supply and the Animals go on a rampage.  Of course you haven't!  With deaths via Lions, Elephants and even a Polar Bear, this one only ranks lower due to them switching out a Serial Killer for the Animals.

9. The Invisible Man vs. The Human Fly: While the original (Japanese) Invisible Man was a bit silly, this one ups the ante.  He must stop a Thief and Killer who can shrink...which somehow allows him to fly.  Good luck with the Science on this one!

8. The Rapeman: How this is a Comedy?  That's all I've got.

7. The Cemetery of Terror: A culmination of all sorts of bad events in spite of all logic.  A Killer comes back to life.  An evil Book is opened.  Zombies are rising from you graves.  How did this all happen on the same night?!?

6. Ismael Yassin Meets Frankenstein: The short version- this is a Remake of the 1948 Horror Classic Abbott & Costello Meet Frankenstein courtesy of Egypt.  It is mostly the same, only worse.  It does at least call The Monster something different- a Mummy!

5. Killed His Family and Went to the Movies: With the Olympics this Year, I focused on Brazil a bit.  While not the craziest Film of their's I covered, this one sure is strange.  A man kills his Parents and then goes to the Movies, seeing himself in said Movie and possibly altering the Film...or something.  It is all super-Arty and weird.

4. Abducted by the Daleks: Someone made Bootleg Dr. Who Porn.  To be fair, it is Softcore.  I only watched it for the Review, so don't judge me!

3. Terra Formars: Yes, I just covered this, but it counts.  Humans are given Insect Mutations to fight Mutated Cockroaches on Mars.  How could this not be in the Top 5?

2. This Night, I'll Possess Your Corpse: It is hard to top Coffin Joe.  This is the more famous Film in the Series, since it features his 'trip to Hell.'  It is the only part of the Film in Color and it stands out as being crazy.  The fact that they try to turn Joe into an anti-hero in this one is just a bonus.

1. The Last Frankenstein (aka Japanese Frankenstein): This one is just too damn weird to explain well.  There is Dr. Frankenstein, a Suicide Cult, a Psychic and a bunch of other random things.  It sort of ties together, but not really.  I'd love to see someone explain this to me properly.

Can 2017 get even crazier for Foreign Films?  With Japan still kicking out 2,000 Films a Year, probably!

Pilot Wings: Channel Zero

Don't worry- I'm not taking on yet another Show to cover, even if one only has a single Episode left.

No, this is all about covering the 1st Episodes of Shows.  I'll stick with newer ones right now, but who knows what will come next.  I could do 200 of these or abandon it in 3 months.

In any event, this is Channel Zero...

Debuting in October, this Show is a commercial attempt to make Creepypasta.  Don't ask me about the name- it just is what it is.

The basic idea is that people take creepy stories and 'copy & paste' them everywhere to spread the Story.  They are mostly just designed to be weird and unsettling, which is what the Show goes for.

Our Lead is a Psychologist who is having some weird dreams related to this past.  The solution?

Go home after 20+ years to surprise everyone.  What could go wrong?

The whole thing connects to the deaths of many kids when he was younger- including his Brother- and a strange Show that all of the kids watched...

When a kid goes missing, revelations about everyone in Town- including our Lead- start to come out.  What is real and what is imaginary?

Most importantly, what in God's name is that?!?!?

To find out, watch the Show.

Creepy fun.  This one starts out slow, but builds up dread very well.  They slowly unveil the true Story quite well.  The Acting is nice.  The Setting is great.  While it is not the most original thing out there, it makes me want to start watching the actual Show.  That's what a Pilot is for, right?  I'm not going to get sucked into Creepypasta though, no matter how creepy they make this Show...

It doesn't give you alot of Story in the Pilot, but it nails the creepy vibe.  A+ for Atmosphere.

Got more 'Pilots' for me to check out?  Leave a comment.

Top Ten Best Films I Reviewed in 2016

Now for the rest of the stuff.  These are the Films that I really liked this Year- just not the ones that actually came out in 2016.

Make sense?  Good.  Great.

Honorable Mentions include some that are bad, but so just so much fun for being so: Raptor (2001), Brainscan, Black Zoo, Wild Beasts, Wolfguy- Enraged Lycanthrope and Jaws of Satan.

10. Extraordinary Tales: For something that could be routine, they make it feel fresh.  This Poe Anthology is made great by the neat Animation and use of great Voice Actors.  Thanks to Technology, it is a timeless Cast that puts Bela Lugosi and Christopher Lee in a Film together in 2015!

9. Murder in the Zoo: This one is notable for its surprising content.  The Film is old enough to predate the Hayes Code (look it up), but that actually frees it up to be really dark.  A Zoo Owner kills any man that talks to his wife in violent, shocking ways and even feeds her to Crocodiles!  This is from the 1930s!

8. The Mind's Eye: It just worked for me.  It nailed the Grindhouse Vibe, but also worked on its own.  It did Scanners right, something the Sequels rarely did.

7. Tokyo Tribe: A Japanese Hip-Hop Musical Action Film.  It sounds crazy, but it totally works!

6. Adventures of Power: There's no way that something this silly works.  A Story about a guy in an Air Drumming Competition combined with a tale of Union strife in a small Town- no way.  The Film just has so much heart, however, that it totally sucks you in.

5. Moonwalkers: Fun with Conspiracy Theories!  This one works because of the Acting and all of the work done to make it feel like the time it is set in.  At least one Harry Potter Actor made a good List...

4. Red State: Does this make up for what I said about Yoga Hosers?  Smith's 2011 Comedy-Drama is actually more balanced than you'd think, doesn't sacrifice Story for Humor and only really falters a bit at the end.  A good, solid Film

3. Doomed- The Untold Story of Roger Corman's Fantastic Four: A good Doc and it was free.  It was interesting to hear the tale of how this Film that wasn't meant to be released got made.  Everyone just had fun and was totally honest- just what you hope for in one of these.

2. The Exorcist: I suppose it would be dickish to snub the most famous Horror Film of all Time.  Joking aside, it is quite good.  The Pacing is slow at first, but it earns its Horror and rarely cheats.

1. The Lobster: How can this not be #1?  A Comedy about a Future where people that can't find love are turned into Animals.  It works so well by being dry and acerbic with such a bizarre and silly concept.  Go see it already.  Oopa!

Alright, this one should be less controversial.

Seriously, go see The Lobster!

Top Ten Surprising Films of 2016

These are the Films I reviewed that were released this Year that surprised me.

Remember- it doesn't have to be a good surprise!

10. The Boy: Again- not always a good surprise.  This Film feels like your standard Ghost Film made popular by Paranormal Activity.  Right before the Third Act, it has a sudden twist that makes it...interesting.

9, The Killer Robots!- Crash and Burn: This bizarre Film sure wasn't that good.  Made for almost no money, they have a bunch of interesting ideas...at first.  By the time they stretch it to 90 minutes, I was just bored.

8. The Witch: A good surprise.  Like last Year, there is always one Film (or two) that was hyped to hell and actually delivered.  This one nails the Tone, Setting and Atmosphere.  It is not for everyone, of course, but I loved it.

7. Scare Campaign: So I go into alot of Films 'blind,' which sometimes works and usually doesn't.  In this case, I knew nothing about this Australian Slasher, but it was actually quite good.  The Plot can be a bit overly-complex...but I'm nitpicking.

6. Ghostbusters (2016): It wasn't an abomination that went back in time and ruined two other Films for me.  Shocking- right?  This one isn't perfect, but it sure was fun.  Maybe just chill out next time, Internet.

5. Pride & Prejudice & Zombies: This should suck, right?  Well, I liked it.  They play it seriously, but let the silly stuff stay in.  They literally just transposed a Zombie Apocalypse into the Story and it kind of works.

4. The Mind's Eye: A low-Budget Film that actually works as faux Exploitation.  Considering that I watched two awful Genre Comedies/Horrors, this one was thankfully-good.  Heads explode so that's always a plus.

3. X-Men- Apocalypse: Bryan Singer lets me down- surprisingly.  For as ambitious as the Film tries to be, it is just...generic.  It gave me Characters that I wanted to see again- like Nightcrawler- and just did so little with them.  Sorry, Havoc.

2. League of Gods: Considering the fact that I'd never even heard of this one, it was a delight.  The whole thing is just balls-out crazy.  It just goes for it.  It is all kinds of Cliche and silly...but it looks pretty awesome.

1. Deadpool: This was going to be #2, but Deadpool threatened to shiv me if I didn't move it up.  Seriously though, this one was great.  It completely worked for me and made me a little sad to see how little Fox did with the Mainstream X-Men stuff (see #3).

Alright, that's enough focusing on the negative, right?

Let me see if I can talk about something good...

Top Ten Disappointing Films of 2016

Alright, I might as well start doing these.  To note...

These are Films from 2016 that I reviewed.  I'll do a separate one on Films reviewed in 2016 that were from different times- be they 2015 or 1983.

These are ONLY ones that I've reviewed in some way, so some bad stuff may avoid being here by me avoiding a Review.  I'm looking at you Sniper: Special Ops.

To see any Reviews separately, just use the '2016' Tag.

10. Mark of the Witch: Interesting start, but then it just devolves into a Music Video thing for the next 20 minutes.  After that, there is no salvaging this Rob Zombie wannabe-Film.

9. Jeruzalem: While I don't like Found Footage Films per se, I always hope that they turn out to be good.  This one has a unique Setting and feel, but is just a big pile of cliche.  Switch out the Google Glass for the Camera and nothing changes.

8. She Kills: Bad Horror Comedy.  Just dumb.

7. Arrowhead: I almost picked Cyborg X, but that at least had some interesting Action.  This one just feels like someone's dense, unsold Sci-Fi Book turned into a Film.

6. Suicide Squad: To note- I expected Sinister Squad to suck, so no disappointment.  In this case, the Film made a ton of money, but is just a bizarre mish-mash of Stories, Tone and Action.

5. Space Cop: This is the antithesis of Kung Fury in pretty much every way.  Some of that is intentional- the Cop is fat and bad at his job-, but some of it isn't- it looks cheap, it isn't funny.  Such a letdown!

4. Phantasm- Ravager: After nearly 2 Decades, it had to be at least complete, right?  No, this one continues to leave things odd and open, despite no chance of a follow-up in the wake of Scrimm's death.  What a long-delayed mess.

3. Yoga Hosers: Sorry, Kevin.  I know what he was going for here and maybe it worked more for others.  As a long-time fan, it just felt dumb for dumb's sake and didn't do anything for me in the long run.

2. Swiss Army Man: I didn't get in on the hype.  First, it was talked about as some terrible mess.  Later, it became a Film that 'the cool people' liked.  For me, it was a Short Film that didn't work at 90 minutes.

1.Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice: Is it terrible?  No.  Is it unredeemable?  Not quite.  Should it have been 2 Films that were expanded on their own?  Yes.  Was it a disappointment after 50 years of build-up?  Hell yes.

I look forward to any blowback...although I doubt it will be from Arrowhead fans.  All 4 of you probably don't read the Site.

See you next List.

Quick Reviews: Terra Formars (2016)

Takashi Miike can't help but make 5 Films a year.  Since I can't get enough Anime-to-Live-Action Films, here we go...

In a dark, Blade Runner time, we have terraformed Mars to deal with overpopulation.  The problem?

The Planet is overrun with Cockroaches (sent to test the Atmosphere).  The solution?  A team of people who need the money.

Did I mention that the Roaches are actually super-strong, Scott Steiner-looking mutants?  Oops.

Their benefactor explains that they have a secret weapon to fight the Roaches- Insect DNA Injections to give them Super Powers, of course!

Will their Insect Powers allow them to defeat the super-powerful and evolved Roaches?

Or will they just have to say 'screw it' and leave?  To find out, watch the Film!

Damn Japan- you crazy!  Leave it to the Director of Izo and Visitor Q to make a Film about people with Insect Powers that fight Martian Mutant Cockroaches.  Leave it to Japan to make the Story that said Film is based on.  You never cease to amaze me, you crazy bastards!  The Story here is chock full of crazy, Action, Horror and bizarre visuals.  The human-insect hybrids look appropriately-freaky and the Cockroaches look the right side of intimidating.  They are supposed to be both goofy and scary- they nail it.  The Anime is famous for being censored in a few Countries like Germany, so I was curious to see how they handled it.  To be honest, it is pretty blood-free.  The most 'gore' in the Film is white goop, which is what comes from the Roaches.  That's not to say that the Film isn't violent- it sure as hell is!  The Sci-Fi Setting is well-used here, giving us Space Armor, Ships and other high-tech stuff.  All in all, Terra Formars is a bizarre, action-packed Sci-Fi spectacle.  If you know the Anime, tell me if it is accurate and all that.  Otherwise, just watch it for the crazy Action and Special Effects- as a bonus, double Subtitles!

Like Attack on Titan, I can't tell you if this one is accurate to the source material.  I can tell you that it is crazy as hell!