WTF Japan?!?: Deadball (aka Battlefield Baseball II)

Holy crap- you're actually crazier than the last one.  It's a high bar, but they managed to do it.  Today's film is Deadball, the sort of Sequel to Battlefield Baseball.  To connect the two films is, well, tricky.  Basically, they're the same story, only told in much different ways.  Why?  I don't know.  It's just like all of the Godzilla Millenium Films that all acted like the last one (and any film made after the original Gojira) didn't count.  It's like how Children of the Damned just sort of said 'Well, what if it happened this way?'  It's weird- big surprise.  The story pretty much ignores Battlefield, but still tells the story of Jubeh forced to join a Baseball Team.  This time- he's sent undercover to stop a tyrant with ties to the Nazi Party.  Yeah, this film has Nazis instead of Zombies.  You win this one, Dead Snow (even if you still aren't German)!  On the plus side, the original Director and Tak Sakaguchi (who co-Directed Yakuza Weapon with him as well) are back.  To see just how crazy (even by Japanese standards) this can be, read on...

Tak kills his father as a teenager.  He gets sent to Juvenile Detention after killing 50 people in a week.

Japan has a weird legal system, huh?  They kill random teens for no reasons, but send mass murderers to get rehabilitated.  Sure.

Four-Eyes is back, only he's now played by a girl.  Neither me not my roommate were clear if this was the joke or just something they did.

He/she is also in the Detention Center for a crime I won't SPOIL and really wants to be free.  What could go wrong?

Jubeh doesn't get along well with his captors.  Considering that they literally feed them vomit (still better than Salo), I can't imagine why.  Oh and this is not fatal.

Jubeh and his fellow prisoners are forced to do battle with a deadly Baseball Team.  The whole 'reform' thing is not on the Menu today.

If you're wondering about that guy's eye, Jubeh did it.  He lives for a while though.

Their opponents are The St. Black Dahlia High School.  They're a bunch of ladies that like to kill you in violent, violent ways.

As I said while watching this, it is worth mentioning that the Black Dahlia was the *victim* and not the killer.  Considering what has happened so far- including deflecting a ball with projectile nose-bleeding-, it's not the weirdest thing here.

Oh and this happens.  I will give you NO context- not a lick.  Enjoy.

I'd say more about the Ending, but I don't want to SPOIL it.

Besides, it makes too little sense for me to possibly explain it properly.  It's...well, you can see for yourself.  No SPOILERS!  The End.

Holy crap- I can't even begin to do this thing justice.  Let it be said that there is *kind of* a plot here.  Jubeh is sent to find out what bad stuff the Superintendent is up to and stop it.  Beyond that, it's a bunch of weird and random bits.  You never really lose the focus, even if the story is usually not the main focus.  That make sense?  It's a more coherent story than Dynamite or Cromartie High School (previous Yamaguchi films).  The best and worst thing to say is that they are clearly trying to top themselves.  There's a lot more blood, gore and CG Effects than ever.  It's less logical than ever too, of course.  Bodies are sliced up, noses are cut off and projectile blood is spilled.  It's a lot more gross and crass than Baseball was.  Whether that's a good or bad thing is entirely up to you.  The movie is just plain weird and ridiculous.  If that appeals to you, then you're in for a treat.  If you're squeamish or super-serious, avoid Yamaguchi films entirely.  The guy made a film called Meatball Machine for crying out loud.  Oh and there's something on your face.

It's the end of the world as we know it and a bunch of Comedians are feeling fine.  The Anti-Christ is out of The Office and looking to score.  Stay tuned...

WTF Japan?!?: Battlefield Baseball

Let's play...crazy!  Today's film is Battlefield Baseball, a crazy Japanese film.  That's almost a redundant description at this point, huh?  This crazy film came out in 2005 and I actually watched it quite a while ago. Hell, I've owned the film on DVD for like two years!  So why the wait?  Hmm...good question.  I hope you weren't expecting an answer.  The reason for re-examining the film is that the Sequel finally found its way to the U.S. (at least on Streaming).  So, before we can look at the new, we must look at the old.  Baseball is based on a crazy Manga of the same (badly-translated) name.  It's about a team of killer baseball players- literally!  The lives of the team rest in the hands of Jubeh, the mysterious transfer student with a dark past.  Will his great power supersede his hang-up over playing the game?  All you need to know is that this film is crazy, it has zombies in it and Tak Sakaguchi continues to kick ass.  To find out the rest, read on...

The Superintendent has a dark, scary dream about his entire team being killed.  Unfortunately, his dream may turn out to be prophetic as the dark Gedo Team are set to play them.

More on them later...

Jubeh (Sakaguchi) is the new Exchange Student.  He's a real bad-ass, as he's an expert at the titular Battlefield Baseball.  It's...well, it's too odd to explain.  You kind of have to see it.

All you need to know is that he can hit you so hard and fast that you have to change your appearance.  No, really.

Unfortunately, that dream comes true as the Gedo Team proves to be quite deadly.  That or they just put a bunch of props on the field.

How does the Team get away with murder?

They have a corrupt Referee, of course.

Seriously, I love a world where Zombie Baseball Players can kill you scott-free since they brought their own Ref.  Could you imagine if that worked in real life?

Jubeh is hesitant to play the game, since he accidentally killed his father with a pitch.  He's super-strong, so even the comically-over-sized glove was not enough...somehow.

Oh well, an upbeat song solves everything.  You should know that I'm not kidding by now, right?

Jubeh's Super-Tornado Pitch will save the day...hopefully.  Only one way to find out- fight!!!

Oh and two characters come back as cyborgs.  One of them is a good one, while the other is intentionally-cheap.  It's a weird gag, but, kind of in line with everything else.

Fun Fact: the Gedo Team are green, since that's what the Romero Zombies looked like in color in Dawn of the Dead.  Now you know.

The climax of the fight involves the Coach and Jubeh battling.  All seems lost when we see the greatest weapon of all: the Poison Bat named 'Poison Bat.'  It's reveal is...well, you just have to see it.

I won't SPOIL how the whole thing plays out, other than to tell you that this happens.  To see the rest, watch the movie.  It's weird fun.  The End.

Everything about this makes no sense...and I love it.  This is pure, unadulterated (fun word, right?) crazy.  Unlike some other Japanese films, it's actually kind of balanced well.  Seriously, Cromartie High School: The Movie was really weird and nonsensical.  Unlike that film, I could actually follow the plot.  Granted- there's not much to follow, but that's not exactly accidental.  The best way to describe the film is as a wacky send-up of Horror, Action and Baseball Film Cliches.  Hey- I've heard of weirder descriptions.  Need I remind you of Top Secret!- the film that parodied Elvis Movies and WWII Films?  There's not much actual Baseball here, but that's not a knock against it.  The film has lots of strange humor- like Four Eyes and his Mother-, weird moments- like the Poison Bat bit- and, well, more weird moments.  It's a movie that either works for you or doesn't.  Films like this have no middle ground- for better or for worse.  I love it.  You...may not.  While you decide, try not to focus on what's in the background of the following shot...

Next up, the long-awaited sequel.  Having already conquered Zombies, what could Jubeh possibly face next?  Stay tuned...

Mondo Bizarro Special: 6 Films that *Almost* Were

Did you ever have regrets about things that you didn't do?  Of course you do.  Well, Hollywood has them to, so let's take a look at them...

1. Commando 2- Was anyone demanding this?  I mean, besides some money-hungry Studio Executive.  Regardless, it got to the Script stage.  They found a 1979 Novel called 'Nothing Lasts Forever' and worked on tweaking it to fit.

Said book is a Sequel to 'The Detective,' which was also a movie starring Frank Sinatra.  Can you imagine- Frank Sinatra and Arnold Schwarzenegger playing the same character?!?

The film never got past the script stage, but it was re-worked and turned into something more iconic...
(This is still debated, but...I mean, it adds up)

2. Grizzly II: The Predator- One of the most famous 'films that almost was.'  The sequel to William Girdler's monster film had a bunch of future stars in it, including George Clooney and Charlie Sheen.  

The film had the titular Bear attacking a concert full of teenagers.

Sadly, the film's funding dropped out and we're only left with a work print version.  You get all of the stars, but almost none of the monster effects.  

Note to self: shoot Monster first.  You can always recast if shit goes down.

3. Sleepaway Camp IV: The Survivor (plus the other ones)- Another case of 'let's just shoot shit and hope it works out.'  

A brand-new film in the series got partially shot before, you guessed it, the money dropped out.

That didn't stop one from releasing the completed footage and toss in a pile of Stock Footage from the previous films to make it reach 90 minutes.  

Any of the 50 of you that bought the Special Edition Series Set that Best Buy used to carry got the footage.  As for the rest of us, we get this piece of shit.

Speaking of Sleepaway Camp, the Director of the original film (Robert Hiltzik) and the Director of Parts II/III (Michael A. Simpson) have both teased making their own sequel.  

We may get SEPARATE Sleepaway Camp V/VI?  Dear Lord!

(UPDATE- Neither got made)

***

4. Jaws 3- People 0- I really wish that this one happened.  Pitched as a Satire of the quickly fading Jaws film by the folks behind National Lampoon, this one could have been interesting.

Naturally, Universal (which sued to block the U.S. Release of Great White) was having none of it and said, 'Let's just make a film set in Sea World.'  

Joy.

5. The Return of Billy Jack- Ah, the reason for this list in the first place.  Tom Laughlin had some major ups and downs in his career.  It went up when he got The Born Losers and Billy Jack.  It continued to rise with The Trial of Billy Jack, which was the first film released wide in its opening Weekend.  

Many people attribute that to Jaws, but no such deal.  

It went down quickly when Billy Jack Goes to Washington saw its release delayed and it proved to be a big money loser.  

About ten years later, he tried for one more go- The Return of Billy Jack.

Unfortunately for him, Laughlin was hurt during the filming of the film in 1986.  Things fell apart after that and his final film appearance would prove to be in the 1981 Lone Ranger film.  

He promised/threatened to make the film again in the last 25+ years, but nothing came of it.  Time didn't wait for his deadlines and ultimately he didn't have another Action Film in him.  

UPDATE: Mr. Laughlin passed away in December of 2013, so it will definitely not happen now!

6. Maniac II: Mr. Robbie- Yeah, I'm stealing one from you, Maynard.  After the shocking film Maniac, a sequel was in the works.  

The folks behind the classic tried to adapt a film called The Psychopath with their guy in the lead.  Sounds great.

You guessed it- the money fell through.  

Things went from bad to, well, the worst they could get when Joe Spinell died.  

A rough cut of their footage survives (and has been reviewed by some) and is apparently quite good.  It would take over twenty-years for us to get a real follow-up film...

So those are 6 films that were *nearly* films.  Did you favorite almost-films make the list?  Let me know either way.

Because I Watched It!: Random Freakazoid

I love Freakazoid.

Is anyone surprised?  This crazy Cartoon was the follow-up to Tiny Toon Adventures and Animaniacs, but, sadly, wasn't as popular as Pinky & The Brain.  Good show too- just not as weird and random.  It only got two Seasons- bummer.  Regardless, it was great.  Here's the theme song (just not in English)...

The show was full of weird and crazy moments.  In the next clip, the story just completely stops to settle a debate between characters (two of which aren't on the show)...

Next up, a two-part bit where the late Jack Valenti tries to explain the Film Ratings System.

Yes, this show is so good that it makes me laugh about a subject I have serious issues with (PG-13 for The Lone Ranger?) and with a guy that I really hated.  Awesome.

Lastly, a brief morality tale from Freakazoid.  For some reason, I really want Cookies...

That's just a taste of things to come.  For a more in-depth look at the show, keep an eye out for the imminent return of Forgotten Toons.

Oh and there's going to be a Part 3.  Count on it!

Indy Phantom: Angel of Music

I see what you were going for, but you failed.  Today's film is Angel of Music, a strange attempt at ripping off a Dan Brown novel.  Worst of all: it reminds me of another bad, low-budget movie I watched recently.  That film: The Frankenstein Theory.  The premise is this: The Phantom of the Opera is real.  Not only that, but a Cult formed to keep the secret of the Phantom's love child.  Why?  How?  Who cares?  Apparently the film with through a number of big changes over the couple years it took to get made.  It was at one point going to be a Period Drama based on the Book.  I think that has already been made...several times.  They finally decided to make this 'Mystery' film, but even that was not the end.  Allegedly the final cut of the film was 83 minutes long at first.  According to IMDB, the film was 'too complicated for those who didn't read the book,' so they cut it down to 47 minutes.  That's right- 47 minutes.  Really sure of your work, huh?  Regardless of how long it is, the whole thing feels like someone's first attempt at making a film.  To see just how that goes, read on...

The film begins with a statement right away that you just have to either accept or not.  Here it is...

This guy is a Reporter attempting to prove this fact.  Why?  To get his wife to care about him again.

Seriously, just take her to Dinner or something!  Was this your best option?

He begins to search for the truth, going through a microfiche of blatant plot exposition.  It's just about as silly as the All-Exposition Website from The Black Dahlia.  This is what you've driven me to, movie- I'm referencing an Uli Lommel film!

Did I mention that they use terrible Green Screen Effects?  Oh yeah, this film was made in 2009 too.

As the investigation goes on, our hero gets a bit crazy and TOO invested in the tale.  He begins to even think that he IS The Phantom.  In a better film, I'd care.

Speaking of bad movies, this film also has a scene that reminds me of The Room.  They're actually outdoors, but you try not to think about it when you see this...

Eventually, we learn that the reason for his craziness is because he was dosed with some hallucinatory drugs by the Cult.  They don't stop him from finding out the truth- they just dick around with him.

I'm sorry, but how was this EVER kept a secret with people like you behind it.

In The End, the Cult just outright kills him.  Of course- the murder of an Investigative Journalist would draw no attention!  Throw in the murder of a blond lady and you definitely have something that nobody would DARE investigate.

Ooh, Sequel Bait?  No thanks.  The End.

This is a mystery best kept secret.  Look- I don't judge you for trying to make something new.  I just judge you fairly for making a bad movie.  Your movie looks cheap.  Your movie has a silly, badly-executed plot.  Your Green Screen Effects were very bad and distracting.  The biggest complaint: you didn't make me care.  Your movie was just not made/told in a way to make me interested in your characters or story.  I think that there is a good story that could be told about this.  While the whole idea of 'The Phantom of the Opera was real' is a bit silly. you could do something with it.  This, as I said, was not that movie.  It says something that even the head shot of your lead Actress is looking at you judgmentally...

Up next, a re-approach a crazy Japanese film from my collection in order to prepare for its sequel.  Zombies, Baseball and a Poison Bat called Poison Bat- oh my!  Stay tuned...

Poor Bastards of Cinema: No One Lives (Part 2)

Crime doesn't pay.  For that matter, neither does reporting.

In another Poor Bastards of Cinema for No One Lives, we see the Hotel Manager report Crazy Guy using The Driver's Credit Card to check into the same Hotel that he was in last night.  Granted- he doesn't know it.

Even so, what an amazing coincidence!

A Sheriff shows up to question the guy.  He looks like someone you can trust, right?

Sure enough- he has sinister motives.  That or his gun just wanted to say 'Hello.'  Do you want to say 'Hello,' Gun?

That is one mean 'Hello!'  Remind me to never greet you at a Party!

So yeah, he's pretty dead now.  Like really, really dead.

What did this accomplish?  I guess this film needed one more dead body.

Oh and never be a Cop in a movie.  Ever.  It never ends well.  Ever.

Less is Mora: Pterodactyl Woman from Beverly Hills

This is...just wow.  I mean, wow.  Today's film is Pterodactyl Woman From Beveryly Hills, a 1997 Film by Philippe Mora.  Remember him?  He has many weird, weird films.  He is the man who brought us Howling II (featuring Reb Brown and Sybil Danning's boobs), Howling III (featuring Were-Tasmanian Tigers), Communion (featuring Christopher Walken and anal-probing) and, most silly, Snide & Prejudice.  Remember that one?  That is the film in which a bunch of people- including Jeffrey Combs, Richard Moll and Angus MacFadyen- all share delusions that they are Nazis in WWII, so their 'Therapist' has them act out Hitler's rise to power and fall from grace.  Seriously- that's a movie!  This is the kind of person we're dealing with.  So what's this film about?  A Paleontologist offends an Indian, so he turns his wife into a Pterodactyl.  Don't you hate unoriginal plots?  In all seriousness, this starts out weird and only gets weirder.  Throw in silly effects, a Zappa and Meta jokes about said effects & you've got a giant bowl of crazy gumbo.  To see just how random and strange this gets, read on...

The film IMMEDIATELY begins with Stock Footage.  Despite the DVD being a Troma release, they resist the urge to just say that this takes place in Tromaville.  Thank God!

So yeah, this is footage I saw in Planet of the Dinosaurs.  Joy.

In the Present (of 1997), two Paleontologists run afoul of an Indian (who calls himself Salvador Dali, since...funny?).  He tells them that they're assholes and he curses them.

Well, actually, he curses one guy and curses the other's guy's wife.  He doesn't even know her, but whatever.

Sure enough, the lady goes throw some changes in Beverly Hills.  She's a super-sized version of the WASP cliche driven to the max.  Beverly D'Angelo is really infectious here, even when she is only allowed to just make silly noises and wave her arms.

In a cheap and silly effect, she is just now a full Pterodactyl and gets inexplicably-chased by a Stealth Bomber, which just happens to be flying around Beverly Hills.  Why?  How?

It doesn't matter, as this just sets up a Government Agent (Stephen McHattie) going after her.  She's never in full-form again.

Here's something odd: Aron Eisenberg plays the teenage-son of D'Angelo and the Husband.  The problem: the Actor is 28 years old, only appearing young and being short due to a medical issue.

Oh and I just keep running into the guy.  He was in House III, Amityville IV and Puppet Master III.  I don't even know you, so stop showing up in sequels!

Here's another quirk: Barry Humphries shows up in this film, making it his second Philippe Mora film (after Howling III) that I'm aware of.  He adds NOTHING to this film, so thanks for that.

The Husband takes the transformations very well and actually engages in some pseudo-inter-species whoopie.  To horribly paraphrase the Queen: I am not aroused.

They dump a ton of crazy exposition and sub-plots on you.  Here's a quick summary:
* A manipulative 'friend' turns out to be working for the Government.
* The Neighbors want the Dinosaur lady out.
* D'Angelo gets pregnant with a Dinosaur Egg.
* McHattie schemes to get the baby.
* The family goes to the Desert, leading to the return of Stock Footage.

After a lot of Stock Footage (which they Lamp Shade by saying it's a land of Bad Effects and Stock Footage) and a silly speech, the whole problem is resolved.  Your wife still gave birth to an Egg, but whatever.

Oh wait, the real ending is that it might have all been a dream.  Oh...okay.  The End.

I am really confused by this whole thing.  Seriously, I've watched some crazy shit.  I've seen a man time-travel to meet Mary Shelly and Dr. Frankenstein.  I've seen people interact with a ghost in an animatronic doll.  Hell, I've seen Surf Nazis Must Die!  Having said all that, the film is random, silly and has humor broader than the Atlantic Ocean!  There are sometimes jokes, sometimes sight gags and occasionally clever bits.  When all of that fails, they just have people run around and make noises.  Beverly D'Angelo is a Co-Producer on this film, so it makes her tendency to just act silly all the more strange.  The film's other Co-Producer/Star (Brion James) is usually like this, so I'm not surprised.  Usually in films where Actors are only performers, they tend to get thrown into roles like this.  The Director says 'jump' and they ask 'In what silly way?'  As a Co-Producer, it's certainly curious.  I don't fault her for having fun- I just find it odd.  Speaking of odd, everything else.  James plays 3 Roles (sort of) and just acts silly.  Philippe Mora himself even plays a part.  Was your Budget that low or did you just get bored working behind-the-scenes (a la Eric Bischoff in 1996)?  Regardless, this is a tricky recommendation.  If you like purely-silly Comedy and have an open mind, check this out.  I can't guarantee that you'll like it (I'm still not quite sure how I feel ATM), but you are the audience.  As for everyone else, well, you were never going to watch Pterodactyl Woman from Beverly Hills.  Isn't that right, Philippe Mora?

Up next, another Phantom of the Opera film, albeit with a weird twist.  Every Netflix review is 1 Star, so it should be a classic!  Stay tuned...