Horror Crap-llection: Haunted From Within

Are your bowels haunted?  That's not really the question posed in this film, but it sure sounds like it.  No, instead, this is the tale of a ghost who possesses women to make them kill their children.  Ah, the usual light fare, I see!  What does this movie have?  Lots of padding, lots of dialogue and some weird optical effects.  That's...great?  In all seriousness, this movie seems like it could have been really interesting, what with its investigative side, it's loner lead and the promise for some real ghost action.  Alas, it really fails to capitalize on any of that.  To find out just why this film fails, read on...

The first thing I'm sure that you noticed is that this film is not called Haunted from Within.  Yes, it's from the Legion: The Final Exorcism school of 'let's make a silly title sound more serious.'  At least it's not just a cheap cash-in.

In a text-filled, exposition dump, we learn that our hero was legally-dead, but came back and can see ghosts.  Of course, I'm distracted by this newspaper's weird concept of how to capitalize things...

Thanks to some weird Editing, this woman wakes up to find her kids drowned in the tub.  I kind of applaud you for not showing it, but, at the same time, it takes the 'teeth' away from the film a bit.

While our hero eventually becomes important, the woman is interrogated.  Again- a minor detail distracts me.  What's with the sandwich?

Our hero eventually works on the case, which is part of his thesis that all women killers were actually possessed by ghosts and/or demons.  No, really.

The movie falls apart because all of the tedium and dull acting is a build up to this...

Yeah, you can stop doing that now.

Okay, if you're not going to try, I won't either.  The End.

Even I couldn't muster up enough interest in this one. I wanted to like it- honest. The no-frills approach to it is alright. I don't immediately hate movies with no budget, although it may seem that way. What I hate is the kind of movies that don't use their resources well. It can be a problem with big budget movies- see Waterworld and the decision to build a giant city...floating in the Ocean. This movie is just dull, listless and made me struggle to watch it. All of it is just silly, but not really in that good way. The story- crap. The acting- meh. The whole production- zzz. There are far worse films out there- Hi, Hobgoblins 2, Jaws in Japan & Open Water 2- but this one just left me struggling to care. I did learn a lesson though. If you have a bad 'Insert Effect', make sure to hold the shot for a long time...

Next up, a comedy film about zombies and a disgruntled couple. Make me laugh- I dare you! Stay tuned...

Horror Crap-llection: The Fear Chamber

I'm so scared...that this movie also suck ass.  Well, maybe I shouldn't be too quick to judge The Fear Chamber.  After all, it's neither Australian or about hiking.  Who's the star?  Rhett Ghiles.  Oh God, this is going to suck!  Now, to be fair, Rhett Ghiles isn't a terrible Actor.  He's just in A LOT of Asylum films, which are almost never good.  Mind you, he's not been great in anything I've seen either, so this is not a free pass.  Who's the other star?  Can they redeem this in my eyes?  If you guessed, the bad guy from Big Bad Wolf, you'd be right.  Why you would guess that is anyone's guess!  So what is this movie about?  It's about a serial killer who tortures women.  Great- it's another Saw-lite film.  Joy.  To find out this movie rises above all of my concerns, read on..

Well, I'll be concise here.  I'd say it was to avoid SPOILERS, but it's mostly because I don't care all that much.

Rhett Ghiles is a Cop.  In spite of hearing a woman cry out in terror, he takes his sweet time getting to her.  She dies.  You dick.

After failing to save the girl, he manages to get taken down by the evil Doctor...who knocks him out, but doesn't kill him.

The movie boils down to this.  Step 1: Ghiles has weird dreams/visions that relate to him feeling like he let a woman die (which he did).

Step 2: He investigates the crimes and talks to his boss- aka that black guy from The Blues Brothers and The X-Files.

 Step 3: Repeat Step 1.

 Step 4: Repeat Step 2.

Get it?  Got it?  Good.  The End.

Was I too harsh?  Honestly, this film is just kind of there.  It starts off strong- albeit silly-, but goes downhill from there.  The over-reliance on fake-out scares is just criminal.  When they're extremely obvious, they serve no purpose.  If you want make neat visuals, make them count!  If you can get past that silliness, it's a decent, low-budget thriller.  I do think that the lead is inept though, which only works if there is some sort of character arc.  There's not.  I don't have any more to say about this film honestly, so let's just end things with this sad, Rhett Ghiles face...

Next up, a ghost tale...made for about $1,000.  Bonus points for a weird, random re-titling to boot!  Stay tuned...

Horror Crap-llection: Deadfall Trail

Why is this movie in the set again?  I'm going to be brief and harsh to this movie, but for reasons that may be out of its control.  Here's the thing: this isn't a Horror movie.  It's part of the Midnight Horror Collection, but it's really more a Man-vs-Nature Thriller.  Granted- I still didn't care for it, but it is very out of place here.  The plot involves some guys going out for some, well, extreme hiking.  If Coupon-ing can be a sport to some, why not this?  It's all a bit silly though, so bear that in mind.  To find out whether to laugh or cry (of fright), read on...

The plot: three guys go out hiking.  One of them- the guy in red-, is doing this for the first time & is getting crap from the guy on the right.

That's pretty much it.  It's a bit like Gerry, really.  Bicker, bicker, bicker.

Things get a bit more interesting when someone dies and another man goes crazy.  We get a random freak-out or two, but things die down after that.

If I want to stay awake, I'm going to just skip the rest of this.  The End.

Sorry, movie- I just don't care.  I did try to watch this movie.  It was less boring than Watch Me, but that one was certainly easier to get mad at.  That was a cheap rip-off made by Australians.  This one is probably a labor of love by the people behind it.  You don't make a film about a bunch of guys hiking in the Woods as a cheap exercise to make money.  If you wanted to do that, you'd make Transformers IV.  So, I don't really hate this movie- I just don't care.  It's not all that interesting (to me) and just does nothing for me.  How is it a Horror film again?  Does one bloody dream sequence a Horror film make?  Is The Wizard of Oz a Horror film because a lady gets crushed by a house?  If you like this kind of movie, you may like this one.  If you don't, you won't.  On the plus side, the movie does feature a Sin City-style nude scene, which should count for something...I guess.

Next up, a Star that I recognize.  Granted, it's Rhett Ghiles, but I'll take it at this point!  Stay tuned...

Buy the DVD! (Part 1): Tombs of the Blind Dead

No segment on the site can truly die.  Well, except for Men of 1,000 Voices.  *Awkward Cough*

I re-watched the Armando De Ossorio classic a month or so back & meant to do this update.  Well, it's here now.  This is a highlight of one of the few- but funny- Special Features on the Disc.  It highlights an Alternate Opening with this set-up...

Uh oh.  This is going to turn out to be really bad.  Be afraid...

Yeah, that's really silly.  Seriously, this opening narration- only for the Drive-In market- is worth the price of DVD alone!

To be honest with you, I REALLY want to see this version as an Alternate Version on a future release.  Maybe a Blind Dead Quadrilogy Blu-Ray Set.  A man can dream, right?

Next up, a look at the different cuts on the Disc.  Hey, this site can be informative too, right?  Stay tuned...

Papa's Dei: Stepfather III

When in doubt, insult your audience.  Today's film is a special film- Stepfather III.  It's not good.  It's not all that interesting.  No, what makes it memorable is the re-casting of the film's lead.  Terry O'Quinn must have said 'no,' I guess.  This TV movie features nobody of note and the whole thing just feels unnecessary.  In other words, it's Omen IV: The Awakening.  It's not quite that bad, but my point remains valid.  The plot takes some silly turns, but is otherwise a rehash of the original films.  No new twists, movie?  You couldn't have had a mysterious man appear to be the villain, but it turns out to be someone else?  You couldn't have had the new wife turn out to be crazy?  You couldn't have had the kid turn out to be evil?  Anything?  Okay, with no effort on your part, let's dig right into this nearly-forgotten mess...

To see my review of the second film, go here.

Much like The Food of the Gods, the titles give you an ominous warning of things to come...

In day-for-night view, our title character has reconstructive surgery done.  Translation: new actor.  Oh and he kills the guy in a bloody manner, setting himself up for later defeat.

 Bonus points for skipping over the whole 'escaping the prison' scene and just saying it happened.  Super lazy!

In California, the killer takes on a new identity and tries to romance a woman by way of her son.  How can you date a movie just by the clothes?  This film is how!

You know how this goes, right?  He romances the lady, acts randomly crazy and life goes on.  Anything new, movie?

Well, the new Stepson tries to figure out the truth by using his fancy com-puter and scan-ner.  That's new.  It's silly, but it's new.

Oh yeah, watch for a cameo by Scrubs/Cougar Town star Christa Miller too.

The twist in this movie is that the villain finds out that his new wife can't have kids.  Conveniently enough, a new woman shows up in town and he rents his old place to them...and begins to screw her.

What's worse- cheating on the wife or just assuming that she wants him to move in, as opposed to vice-versa?

To wrap things up, more people die- including a Preacher and the Stepfather's boss- before he turns on both women in his life.  The kid musters up the will to walk- he could do it, but mentally couldn't- and manages to knock the villain into a giant woodchipper.

Okay, so now is he definitely dead?  The End.

Are we done now?  No offense, but this movie was even more pointless than the second film.  That one had some good moments to it, but was a sequel that didn't push the narrative further.  The character didn't evolve at all & nothing was changed.  That said, I didn't expect much from the first sequel to any horror film.  I'd prefer to get something new, but I'm not surprised by the stagnancy there.  This film has no excuse.  They begin by changing things up- even if it was to just avoid jeers-, but do nothing to follow it up with.  I guess the inclusion of a second woman is a twist, but it never really goes anywhere.  It just serves to make the wife wary of him- the same thing that his comments and whistling did in the second film.  Furthermore, this film's casting is dull and listless.  The only thing notable about the new Stepfather is his eerie voice resemblance to Jeffrey Combs.  It helps if you try to just listen to the film and something more notable is happening.  The biggest problem, however, is the run-time.  At nearly two hours, this film drags.  The extra time is not used to make characters more interesting.  It just serves to add more pointless scenes or drag out other ones.  If you're going to watch a Stepfather film, watch the original.  Save for the casting, the sequel can be skipped.  This film can just be skipped entirely.  Take us away, totally not-creepy moment...

Next up, I continue to work my way through the Midnight Horror Collection, Volume 2.  I hope you find hiking to be scary!  Stay tuned...

Horror Crap-llection: Watch Me

Here comes the part where I explain how dumb I am.  Not knowing how Calendars work- in spite of watching the Rifftrax short 'Calendars: How to Use Them'-, I got dates mixed up.  My brilliant plan to watch and review all 5 remaining films in this set kind of falls apart.  On the plus side, I have good crap to review tomorrow and this film sucked ass.  Yes, that is a good point.  Since I'm also good at procrastinating, it's helpful to be able to realize how bad a film is in the first twenty minutes and subsequently give up on it.  Back-story?  Watch Me is a 2006 horror film with a plot that may sound familiar.  It's kind of like Fear Dot Com- hint hint.  It was made in Australia, the same country that gave me the oddly-pitched film Bloodmoon, the meandering Battlespace and, of course, the non-Italian Patrick film.  What will this film end up like?  To find out, read on...

A man comes home to find his roommate dead, having been pushed/fallen out of the window.  It all has to do with some video he watched on a disc.

If you watch this video, a ghost comes and kills you.  I think I've seen this movie before, haven't I?

Oh right, it's Ringu.  I'll just watch that film again.  Hell, I'll watch the quirky Korean version again.  The End.

Why even bother?  This movie is cheaply-made, dull and just generally annoying.  I'm sure that someone cared about this movie, but I didn't.  Can you blame me?  This is Ringu, only with Australian people, a budget of $50 and with no forward momentum.  Even if it was a good movie, it would still be a rip-off.  It's not, however, giving it no excuse.  Given the obscurity of this film, you can easily avoid seeing it.  If you do, at least take this good message out of it...

Next up, I celebrate Father's Day with the sequel to last year's Father Day film.  This one comes via the Internet and has excised everything good.  Stay tuned...

Rare Flix: H.G. Wells' The Food of the Gods

I hope you don't like rats.  Today's film has somewhat of a dubious reputation among those who have seen it.  For those of you who don't know, I'll take you on a short trip down memory lane.  Bert I. Gordon (his initials being BIG- ha ha) got famous in the '50s for movies about giant monsters smashing around.  He got in good after the U.S. release of Godzilla, carving himself a niche.  As his career wound down in the '70s, he tried some new things- some better than ever.  For this film, he tried something controversial- killing and hurting animals.  This film features scenes of rats being shot with pellet/paint guns and nearly/definitely being drowned.  Yeah, that happens.  If you take the 'No Animals were harmed in the Production of this Film' for granted, check this movie out.  As a bonus, the film stars Marjoe Gortner and features some slightly-silly optical effects.  To see which insects are transparent, read on...

The first sign of a dubious script- this credit.

The movie's plot involves a bunch of people being killed in the woods by giant creatures.  First up, semi-transparent mosquitoes.  They apparently ate the titular food...since the lady doesn't bother to close her windows when you have a batch of 'make animals giant food' in your house.

Marjoe loses a friend to the creatures and decides to come back.

By the way, is he a pro-football player or a College one?  He was 32 when the film was made, but they never elaborate on it.  What's up, movie?

All of this comes from a mysterious fount of liquid.  Might want to put a cage around this thing- I'm just saying.

No, they never explain why this exists.  Thanks for asking.

I believe that Cecil B. DeMille said once 'You haven't made a film until you've shot a few rats with pellet guns.'  I might be paraphrasing.

Look at this shot and then watch a film like Avatar.  Technology sure has grown a lot, hasn't it?

The rats surround the house and there appears to be no hope.  Nice matching of those two visuals- it's like Sin City for a second.

Marjoe manages to blow up a dam and take out most of the rats with water.  Try to ignore the rats that are 'swimming upside down (completely still),' won't you?

In the Epilogue, the titular food has gone down river, got drank by cows (who apparently don't grow) and ends up in milk.  Where will this lead?

Oh right- a crappy sequel that doesn't really relate to this film in any way.  The End.

I'm sorry, countless rats.  If you can get past the animal abuse, this is an interesting movie.  It makes some odd choices in the story department, right or wrong.  Our heroes aren't trapped on the island from the get-go.  Rather, they leave it and decide to come back to find out what happened.  That's interesting, even if it is a bit silly IMHO.  The problem here is that it's hard to get past all of the animal abuse.  They're shooting rats in the face and back with pellet guns.  They may or may not be shocking rates.  They are most assuredly drowning rats, unless they're known for laying upside down in water and not moving!  You can make an 'Animal Killing Free' version of Cannibal Holocaust, since the death is random and unnecessary.  Here, you would be cutting most of the action.  The bottom line: this movie is a bizarre, B-Movie trip.  If you can ignore the abuse of plague rats (I kid, I kid), you'll enjoy it more than this guy.

Next up, the first of five remaining films from the Midnight Horror Collection, Volume 2.  It's like a good movie...but not.  Stay tuned...