A Rare Case: Crash & Burn

Consider this a preview of what I have coming for Full Moon Week, plus the one-time-only return of a segment that I haven't done in over a year.

Crash & Burn doesn't not exactly have the best video transfer on DVD.  See for yourself...

Yeah, check out that film grain.  If you want more proof, check out this shot from later in the film.

Now, here's the thing: the Making-Of Featurette features much cleaner and brighter footage.  Check out the non-Widescreen title first...

For better context, check out this shot from the same scene that was shown earlier.

How come this isn't the transfer you used for the film?!?  I get that maybe this was footage from the Trailer, but why not make the rest of the film look like that?  Oh right- that would cost money!

Will I make another one of these before another 16 months goes by?  Only time will tell.  Stay tuned...

Video Nasties: Cannibal Ferox

You are who you eat.  The Cannibal genre was a really big thing in the late '70s and early '80s, mostly coming from Italy.  Why were they so obsessed with it?  I don't know, but I've always been a fan of this controversial series.  Although, to be fair, a lot of them feel the same.  Person goes to the jungle to look for loot/family member/lost person, hires stubble-covered guide and runs across natives that are violent.  Some of them flip the script a bit- i.e. Cannibal Holocaust- but a lot of them stick to the formula too tightly.  Hell, at least three Cannibal films I've seen involve male castration and two of them involve women being painted up for a ceremony.  Those are both quite specific!  Today's film is one of the most controversial ones, standing between The Man From Deep River and Cannibal Holocaust.  I should really get to that first film at some point, shouldn't I?  This film is notable for starring Giovanni Lombardo Radice and Robert Kerman, the latter of whom was also in Cannibal Holocaust and Eaten Alive, since his agent liked to give him Cannibal films...I guess.  The question: does it live up to those films?  Let's find out as we look up the word 'Ferox' and discuss...

The film puts up a warning that says that the film is really, really violent and disturbing.  Good to know.

A group of people go out to the Jungle.  Why?  Does it really matter?  This is all just an excuse to have people get skewered, after all.

Giovanni is their Guide and he's kind of a violent asshole.  Of course, it's Giovanni Lombardo Radice, so that's no surprise.  He was always a scumbag in these films.

Shock of all shocks- Giovanni's story about the villagers being ignorant cannibals is a lie.  He actually killed and tortured them to get some gems.  They get their revenge on 'Lil Giovanni though.

It's kind of a tough break for the women, as they didn't kill any villagers, but still get caught up in the whole thing.  Their punishment- being stuck in a giant clay pot.  Odd.

The torture/killing section of the movie is long and rough.  Of course, parts like this just seem silly.

In The End, most of the group makes it home and the lead actress gets all the material on Cannibals that she needs for her degree.  Hurray?

Am I actually bored with Cannibals?  The plot of this movie is pretty simple, but also a bit formulaic.  I say that both in modern context and the contest of the time.  The Cannibal film transitioned out of the Jungle Peril film, with many films- The Man From Deep River and others- blurring the line between the two.  All of the tropes and conceits show up here.  Some of them- like Slave of the Cannibal God- mix up the tropes a bit, while this one doesn't.  If Giovanni had been the good member of the Guide group and not the bad one, they may have had something.  Don't get me wrong- his character is great, but you do see the twist coming from the get-go.  The film's pacing bothered me a bit, not quite matching with the others.  Quality-wise, it's a step or two above the imitators, but nearly as good as Cannibal Holocaust or as truly-exploitative as Eaten Alive.  I'm sure that many of you may disagree, but I'll remind you who's fake name is on this blog.  I'll leave you with this odd attempt at comedy on the DVD Menu...

Next up, a movie about lots of random killing.  Can you actually put too much murder in a film?  Stay tuned...

Poor Bastards of Cinema: Raiders of the Sun

Snakes are not man's best friend.  They are slimy, scaly and don't look friendly.  However, they don't deserve the treatment that they get here.

* WARNING to all of you people in PETA- I'm not 100% sure how fake this footage is.  I'm not sure that they had the money to do that. *

In Raiders of the Sun, the co-star of the film goes to a bar to find the people behind his wife's kidnapping.  They have a challenge- grab a $100 bill that has some company.

Faced with this challenge, our hero simply taps the glass on the other side and takes the money.  That was silly, but...

Oh Shit!  For no reason, he tosses the snake out of the container and chucks his knife into it.  What the hell?!?

Why did you do just 'kill' that snake?  To look bad-ass?  You just 'stole money from a snake'- that's enough!

Next up, a man learns that hiking is dangerous.  Ironically, his death stands out in a film full of dead hikers.  Stay tuned...

Video Nasties: Fury of the Wolfman

Has it been long enough for me to make Paul Naschy jokes?  

While I'm sure many have me beat, I can say that I've seen a lot of Paul Naschy films.  

This is my first Video Nasty starring him though (to my knowledge). 

What can he do that is so violent and disturbing?  

In this film, he plays a man who turns into a werewolf.  He only did that thirteen times, so why did this one stand out?  

The plot is kind of confusing, as it is placed after another Naschy werewolf movie that- to me, anyways- is unavailable.  

The story involves lycanthropy, pseudo-science and murder.  Does it make sense?  

No, not really.  

To see what offended by the BBFC so much, read on as we face...

In this, the U.S. dubbed version, we get some awkward exposition explaining that Naschy was in Tibet, became a werewolf and just returned to his job.  

Sure- why not?!?

The plot gets weird as Naschy fakes a car accident to get revenge on his wife for having an affair with a young student.  

Why?  You'll see later.

He ends up in the clutches of this lady doctor who experiments on the human brain.  

This isn't turning into the 'brain swelling makes you a werewolf' plot from House of Dracula, is it?  

Mercifully, no.

I include many shots of Naschy as the werewolf, since he actually doesn't do a whole lot as him in the movie.  

I love to be misleading!

Remember when I said that this film was weird?  

Here's one reason- a guy in a suit of armor attacks a scientist helping out Naschy while in the doctor's castle.  

How long was he in that?  

Why was he in that?

Oh, we just wanted an excuse to have Naschy fight a guy in a suit of armor.  

It was obviously foreshadowing for Panic Beats...or something.  

I might be stretching things here...

The climax of the film gets confusing and weird.  

Essentially, the lady doctor keeps Naschy around to experiment on, the same way that she experimented on Naschy's wife and made her have an affair.  

No, really.  

She turns the wife into a werewolf, the two fight and pretty much everyone dies.  

The End. 

It's hard to have Fury when you're this confused!  

The plot of this movie is very, very weird.  The idea of Paul Naschy as a werewolf teacher who comes home, fakes his death and kills people is the least ridiculous part!  

The idea of brain science that allows you to make people feel emotions and just change their personality is silly.  Never mind the concept of life and death here!  

Of course, that is not what's important here.  

Is the movie so offensive and violent that it should have been banned?  No, not really.  

In fact, the most violent part is actually Stock Footage, as a scene of him in a different werewolf movie is randomly interspersed during his 'rampage montage.'  

Did they not think that we would notice that?  He suddenly goes from having brown fur and a white shirt to having black fur and a red shirt! 

 Plus, he attacks some villagers, which makes more sense in that film than it does here.  

I liked this film a lot, even if it was bat-shit insane.  I would prefer to see a better print of it somewhere, as this one is clearly ripped from an old VHS and slapped onto a single DVD with The Brainiac and some film I didn't watch.  

I'll leave you with this shot of Paul Naschy fighting Leatherface- a year or so before Texas Chainsaw Massacre was made...

Next up, I finally cover one of the most controversial films of all-time.  Is this Cannibal Holocaust-lite?  Stay tuned...

Lost in Translation: Scars of Dracula

Hammer's Dracula- when played by Lee- was always a bit of an animal, not usually playing the 'charming home-owner' that commonly showed up in Dracula films.  This poster takes it a bit too far though...

I don't remember Dracula having some sort of liver disease that colored his skin that way.  On the plus side, his son grew up to be That Yellow Bastard!

Next up, I end September's look at Dracula posters with a double-dose.  One of these things is not like the other.  Stay tuned...

Video Nasties: Horrible (aka 18 Other Titles I Won't List Here)

Well, Maynard, I took the bait!  In the last Project Terrible (Version 2.5 with me and Maynard Morrisey- of the titular Horror Diary), I gave him Horrible, a Joe D'Amato film that is a rip-off of Halloween.  He loved the movie, choosing to review the film that preceded it as well.  After his endorsement, I was curious and rented the movie from the-soon-to-be-renamed-Netflix.  How did I feel?  Well, before I answer that, let me give you a little back-story.  In 1980, D'Amato made Anthropophagous (aka Anthropophagous: The Beast, The Grim Reaper, Man Eater, The Savage Island and Zombie 7: The Grim Reaper).  The film was about a giant killer ('George Eastman') who kills some tourists on a Greek island and eats them.  A year later, this film was made.  It is known as Rosso Sangue (aka Horrible, Absurd, Anthropophagous 2, The Grim Reaper 2 and Zombie 6: Monster Hunter).  That's not a typo- the sequel is listed in some areas as coming before it.  Think that modern film titles can be confusing- that is nothing!  Will this film overcome the title confusion and actually win me over?  Will I stop stalling and get to it?  Yes, yes I will...

The DVD is nice enough to warn you that, in order to get a complete film, they compiled the film from two sources- an HD one and a VHS version.  Will it be apparent?

Either I just got a case of Sudden Cataracts Syndrome or this is a VHS print.  I sure hope that it's not like this for..

...and now we're back to HD.  How did this 20 seconds of footage only end up on VHS exactly?

Oh right- the plot.  Essentially, Eastman's killer arrives in...um, America, I guess and has a priest in pursuit of him (Edmund Purdom).  If you think that he's a lot like Dr. Loomis, you'd be correct.  Time to die, nurse!

Eastman pretty much just wanders around and kills people.  He's a mindless brute who kills people, but can't die.  Yea.

In one of my favorite goofs, the parents leave the kids (one of whom is paralyzed, by the way) and babysitter alone at night to watch a football game...which is clearly happening in the broad daylight.  Seriously, Joe?

Since this is a rip-off of Halloween, it does not bode well for the babysitter.  Instead of just killing her, he holds her head in a lit oven for several minutes.  I hope you like long, drawn-out takes- the ending is full of them.

Much like the invincible fighter from Master of the Flying Guillotine, Eastman can still have his eyes gouged out.  You're going for a Cyclops metaphor here, aren't you?

Of course, for all of his invincibility- due to nuclear fallout or something- he can still be killed by this little girl.  Can she keep it, movie- can she?!?  The End.

This is certainly not Terrible...but it's also not that good.  The plot of this film is kind of odd.  It's essentially Halloween, but with 'Loomis' as a Greek Orthodox Priest instead of a doctor.  Side note- Purdom is not in Anthropophagous, making his appearance here all the more confusing.  Adding to that is his character hiding that he's a Priest by holding his coat in front of his 'habit' for about half of the film.  Dude, just don't wear it!  Aside from that, the rest of the film's plot is odd and scattershot too.  We get some doctors and their plot, the family's plot, the babysitter- who also works at the hospital- and her plot and Eastman's random murders.  The film can't ever stay focused on one thing for too long.  ADD much, guys?  All of that said, the movie is not dull and I've certainly seen a lot worse.  With all of the hype and controversy surrounding the original film, it makes me really sad that it's currently OOP on Netflix/Quikster (that name hurts more than Syfy!).  I'll guess I'll have to make due with the 800 Joe D'Amato porn films available to rent instead.  I'll leave you with random stock footage played on a TV for no good reason...

Next up, I cover one of the 800 werewolf films starring Paul Naschy.  This one features murder, doctors and...Paul Naschy stock footage.  Stay tuned...

VHS For The Win: Surgikill

Pun titles in horror films are almost always a bad sign.  I can, however, make an exception for a movie that looks like this...

An evil doctor.  Old-school blood effects.  Murder.  Sounds like a winner to me.

It's apparently the final film of Andy Milligan too.  Bonus?

Next up, the Children of the night get a little hairy.  Don't look behind you, kid!  Stay tuned...

Impossibly-Cool Cover Art: The Barbarians

Thanks to Conan and his popularity, a shit ton of these movies were made.  This is another one.  This time, the gimmick is that it features barbarians- twins to be exact.

They're warriors, conquerors and heroes?  Next you're going to tell me that they'll save the day.  You certainly aren't building up unique expectations.

In all honesty, the idea of two barbarians in one movie- twin brothers, no less- does sound like a kick-ass idea...which I'm totally sure that they won't ruin in any way.

By the way, this is by Ruggero Deodato, so I feel inclined to see it.  It's a problem, I know.

Next up, a kung-fu, blaxploitation horror film?  That's a can't miss...right?  Stay tuned...

Project Terrible: Ticked-Off Trannies with Knives

What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?  Today's film is a slasher-comedy called Ticked-Off Trannies with Knives.  Oh joy.  My personal experience with most horror-comedies has not been good.  I've seen stuff like The Cottage and Severance, only to be really disappointed.  Hell, the exception to the rule appears to be Black Sheep- which I both love and own.  Opinions are certainly likely to differ, but that's just how I feel.  The movies tend to be not that funny and not the least bit scary.  They just force 'jokes' in that fall flat on their face and follow them with 'scary' moments that are not that interesting.  Naturally, this leads into this movie.  It's full of forced 'comedy,' very little scares and just a lot of filler.  I fully-admit that I am not the main audience for this film...but I still think that it sucks.  Sue me!  Is this film truly Terrible though?  Let's find out as try to avoid being poked by (pick your context!) the...

Basically, we get five transvestites who work at a club.  They all have bad pun names on stage too, like Rachel Slur.  My soul hurts a little more each day.

Is the scene of them performing on stage and being introduced important?  Given that they don't actually do much on stage in their 20 seconds each, I'd say 'no.'  By the way, this fat 'lady' is apparently super-tough.  Fat doesn't work that way!

Our 'heroine' has a secret- her boyfriend beats her up after discovering that 'she' is not really a she.  Naturally, he sets up a trap using two Mexicans at a bar frequented by transvestite performers.  That makes perfect sense, so I see no reason to question that.

I should also mention that the film tries to really exploit the whole Grindhouse motif.  In fact, they...are you kidding me?  Yeah, I think I'm done here.  The End.

Dude does most certainly not look like a lady!  The plot of this movie is pretty basic, but they attempt to make it seem like more.  Essentially, a guy does some Trannies wrong and they get revenge.  Thanks to some padding (no pun intended), they manage to make the first half take up just under forty-five minutes.  Was that necessary?  No.  Instead of solid pacing and a better-made film, we get scenes of the Trannies bickering, a scene of one of them interacting with a male stripper and more scenes of them bickering.  As the cardboard cut-out God would say "Get on with it!"  The movie is just full of pointless stupidity, even in the limited portion of the film that I endured.  After about fifty minutes, I knew that they were going to drag their feet on the revenge portion, since there was forty minutes left and only three people to kill.  Do you blame me?  Thanks for the film, Michele.  I look forward to the new levels of Hell that I'll be able to give you a 90-minute tour of. I leave you with this stupid, stupid joke...

Next up, a week of Video Nasties.  The first one up was actually in Project Terrible last time, so it seems fitting.  Stay tuned...

Project Terrible: Ulli Lommel's Black Dahlia

You probably should have stopped at The Boogeyman, Ulli.  Mr. Lommel is an interesting case in the video market, as his career has gone on far longer than anyone could have guessed.  In 1980, he made his most famous movie.  I should point out that this was three years before I was even born.  In the thirty-one years since, a good chunk of his films have been labeled as 'From the Director of The Boogeyman.'  Imagine if the next Steven Spielberg film said 'From the Director of Close Encounters of the Third Kind.'  Now imagine that every film he's done since then- including Jurassic Park, A.I. and Munich- were also labeled like that & you can see life as Ulli Lommel.  That brings us to 2006 when a mainstream film was being released called The Black Dahlia, attempting to address the unanswered questions about this famous L.A. murder.  That film was made by Brian De Palma- a man whose reputation helps cover for the fact that he's kind of a one-note Director.  A lot of people like that one note, so they excuse it.  Ulli Lommel, however, has no such luxury.  As a bonus, this film is not directly about the famous case, pretty much just trying to piggy-back on the famous film.  To see how Terrible this is, read on...

This young woman is clearly up to no good.  That binder just screams 'serial killer.'  Well, that or Dylan Klebold.  Too soon?

A good 70% of the movie consists of women showing up at an abandoned factory for their 'audition.'  They are subsequently-tortured and killed.  I could just do a whole review of these screen captures...

...but I won't.  There is so much more to mock, like our hero going to the All-Exposition Website.  How convenient!

Watch our hero take a nice nap in this Day-For-Day Shot.  Seriously, close the blinds or lose the candle!  How do you mess this up?!?

Okay, just one more shot of the victim showing up- honest.  This is also here to set-up my 'stinger' for later.  Don't cheat and look ahead, class!

Stop- dance break!  Stop- re-use this entire scene later for padding.  Stop- making movies, Ulli Lommel!

The finale involves the final girl (not capitalized for a reason) who is overseen by the gang and...this old man.  Yeah, if I actually explained anything here, it would just be stupider- trust me.  The End.

Seriously, stop making movies!  The plot of this film is just plain ridiculous.  It's a bunch of 'snuff-lite' scenes connected together by a lazy framing device: random cops investigating the crime.  The sad part is this: they really don't investigate it all that much.  The extent of the investigation is them standing around at crime scenes talking about Bangers and Mash.  The young cop- who I've deemed Officer Beiber- just goes home, goes on the internet to look up the story and goes to sleep.  After about four more murders, he finally goes to a different website and sees that people have an open Casting Call for a film about the Black Dahlia.  Yes, this is the murderers announcing the site of their murders and just waiting for someone to catch them!  That's amazingly-sad.  The film is not only redundant in the murder scenes, but in the random shit that they flash on the scene for no reason.  Woman doing push-ups in a military outfit- check.  The Black Dahlia murder (in random Sin City vision)- check.  That same Black Dahlia footage- BIG CHECK!  As short as the film is, it's padded to the brim and is made all the worse for it.  It would be the most Terrible film this week if it wasn't for Mummy Maniac.  You lucked out this time, Ulli.  Next time, you won't.  Take us away, only good part of the film (again)...

Next up, the final Project Terrible film involves transsexuals.  They're ticked off and now they have knives- yea.  Stay tuned....