VHS For The Win: Squirm

Annelids are not exactly the scariest creatures in the world.  Does Squirm buck that trend?  Let's see...

Oh shit- someone is being eaten!  I do have to wonder whether this is a man with a giant skull or if they just don't understand what scale is?

Next up, we check out the VHS box for the sequel to a film with Dolph Lundgren.  Sadly, this one was not written by a convicted lobbyist.  Stay tuned...

Rabbit Day: Kottentail

Peter Rottentail- you've got some competition!  After last Easter, I thought that no film would top the utter shit that was the Polonia Brothers' film.  I'm still not sure if this one did, but it's definitely a competitor!  This film is Tony Urban, a Director famous for, well, nothing.  He has 6 credits as a Director, but I have not heard of any of them.  Let me say that again with more emphasis- I have not heard of them.  I own Godzilla 1985, Scanner Cop II and freaking Elves & I have not heard of these films.  On the plus side, if they are anything like this film, I should be glad.  After all, this is his most recent credit as a Director (from 2007), so it's probably safe to assume that this is his most-polished film.  The plot involves a mutated rabbit turning a man named Hans Kottentail (no, really!) into a bunny-mutant-man.  He's pursued by a cop, some strippers and one of Hugh Hefner's three girlfriends.  This is going to hurt me more than it will hurt you.  Get out your doll collection as we meet...

The film begins with a lot of pretentious and silly comic-book panels for credits.  Why?  Good question.  This continues throughout the film whenever they make a transition or scene change.  This isn't based on any comic book that I'm aware of, so what is the point exactly?  Aside from that crap, we get a story involving a researcher (Bridget of Girls Next Door fame), a toy rabbit and her boss.  The guy gives it some other sort of injection that it's not supposed to have, which happens right before it escapes.  It runs across a farmer named Hans and bites him.  For some reason, the rabbit is always a toy.  I get that it might need to be a toy when you're injecting it with stuff (although, the shot is easy to fake), but why is it a doll when the guy is just holding it.  Of course, the thing bites him and he slowly begins to transform.  Before any of that can really amount to anything interesting (not that it ever really does), the movie insists on throwing ten or twelve random scenes and sub-plots.  It's a recurring theme recently, what can I say?  Oh yeah, none of this is funny- no matter how hard they try.

Slowly but surely, the guy becomes a mutant rabbit thing.  He starts a killing spree, although it's a pretty lackadaisical one.  Never mind the logic of him turning into a rabbit and killing people!  In between these scenes, we get more randomness involving some prostitutes and Bridget (yes, there is a difference!).  The latter looks for the rabbit, ultimately doing a partial striptease for a guy to get the information.  That was pointless and you didn't even really show that much skin.  Why did they hire you again?  I'm sure that this movie has a point, although it's in no hurry to get there.

After a lot more random scenes, the movie finally gets to a point.  That point- to have the women in the film dress up like rabbits to lure the creature out and kill it.  Oh- that's why you hired her, huh?  Yeah, that was worth 90 minutes.  As a bonus, the film doesn't even have a happy ending.  Double yea.  The End.

Where are my Peeps when I need them?!?  The plot of this movie is dumb.  That's really all I have to say.  It could explain why, but that would be kind of silly.  I mean, it's about a rabbit who bites a guy and the man turns into a half-human/half-rabbit monster.  This is not meant to be taken seriously.  Unfortunately, this comedy is very much lacking in laughs.  It tries- it just fails.  There may be a demographic for this movie, but I'm certainly not it.  This is a premise that could be fun.  Unfortunately, it was made by a guy who can't Direct, Written by a guy who can't write well (also the same guy who Directed it) and the whole thing just feels cheap.  Hey, if you're not going to try, why should I?  On the plus side, almost nobody has seen this movie.  I don't expect that to change.

Up next, Project Terrible Week begins officially with the mother of all tween vampire films.  Yes, my soul is damaged, so your's will be too!  Stay tuned...
   

Aquatic Killers: Piranha (1978)

Well, I finally got it.  After a long time of waiting, I got my hands on a copy of Piranha, courtesy of Shout! Video's release and Blockbuster's Chapter 11 filing.  Their loss is my gain.  The original 1978 film is all about ripping off Jaws, but it is so much more than that thanks to Joe Dante.  As one of Corman's 'students,' he stepped out of the shadows with this film and followed it up with stuff like The Howling (before the shitty sequels) and Gremlins.  You get a good idea why he has been so successful (well, until Looney Tunes: Back in Action) with this film.  I'll be light in key plot details here, as I would like to encourage the DVD sales.  Hey, don't look at me that way- I can be SPOILER free sometimes!  Put away your 3-D glasses as we prepare to watch the original...

We get a Jaws-style opening as some people are killed by the titular fish.  To the film's credit, this actually is an event that drives the plot!  I'm looking at you, every After Dark Horrorfest film ever!  A woman is sent in to find the pair, but only after taking the time to play the Jaws video game for some sort of home video game system.  Seriously, someone tell me what that thing is (see the last picture)!  She gets a tour of the area by the town drunk just by batting her eyes at him and just being persistent.  They inadvertently release the fish into the lake, which may prove dangerous for the guy's daughter at her camp.  The worst part- the camp is run by Paul Bland!  Okay, it's just Paul Bartel, but that could almost be worse!  The pair are attacked by Kevin McCarthy (R.I.P.), but they fend him off and take him with them.  He tells them what they did, leading the pair to get in a raft.  By the way, that stop-motion piranha with legs- entirely-pointless.

The narrative splits between a couple of the movie's sub-plots.  The camp has its share of moments, including a bit where we almost see some nudity from one of the Counselors before Bartel shows up.  Damn you, Bland!  We also see bits from the nearby resort, which is run by Walter Paisley- I mean, Dick Miller.  It's a common mistake, you know.  We later learn that his resort is funded in part by the General behind the military experiment that created the fish.  Why?  Why not, I guess?  The heroes, meanwhile, go down the river and get attacked by the fish.  They rescue a kid and keep moving, only to run into the General and...Barbara Steele.  That's random, but okay.

Our heroes are captured by the military in order to keep them from talking.  They escape with relative ease, however, in a scene that's a bit anti-climactic.  They knock out one guard and are driving away- wow.  The fish run afoul at the Camp, a scene that surprised me quite a bit.  In the remake, the victims had to all be teenagers or young adults.  The hero's daughter manages to escape as the two leads try to get to the resort in time.  Unfortunately, the fish manage to take out a good chunk of the people there.  They even attack people doing a water show, a scene that would later be used in Jaws 3-D.  Our hero comes up with a really bizarre and dangerous plan to take out the fish.  Not surprisingly, this works, although he's a bit worse for wear.  Of course, the fish survived to star in Piranha II: The Spawning, as well as the 1995 remake and the one from last year.  Pesky fish.  The End.

Those fish be crazy!  The plot of this movie is nice and simple.  Unlike Razortooth, the sub-plots feel more natural as they congeal with the rest of the story well.  They aren't just there to take up time.  The acting is not the film's biggest selling point, although a lot of it is good.  Many of the actors- including McCarthy, Keenan Wynn and Miller- take this very seriously, as opposed to playing this for laughs.  It's the right approach, quite frankly.  When you try to make me laugh so overtly in a horror film, you take me out of the whole thing.  That said, the film has some humor in it.  It is a Joe Dante film, after all.  I love the bit where our heroine tries to distract the guard at the camp by saying 'Look- it's Superman' and then flashes him too.  Which one were you trying?!?  Seriously though, this is a fun film and I'm glad to see it get a nice, fancy DVD release.  Let's see if we can get that with some other Joe Dante films in the future.  Take us away, Jaws video game console...

Next up, I celebrate a religious holiday that has become all about rabbits and candy.  Don't worry- I found another killer rabbit film to review.  Stay tuned...

Impossibly-Cool Cover Art: Razortooth

It's back- at least for now.  In my search for screen captures from Razortooth (the one downside to streaming a film), I found a couple silly posters besides the official one.  I dub this 'The Tremors Poster'...

Hello, scale and proportion.  I'm sorry to hear that you were on vacation when they designed this poster!  How deep are those swamp waters as well?!??!?

Will this segment return in full?  Let's see if I can get some good feedback to 'encourage' it, I guess.  Hint-a-dy-hint-hint.

Aquatic Killers: Razortooth

This movie bites.  From the files of 'Why The Hell Not?!?,' we have a film about a giant, killer eel.  I can only think of one of those off the top of my head- Deep Shock- and that one was set in the Ocean.  This one is set in the swamp.  You know what that means- inbred, redneck stereotypes.  On top of that, we have dodgy science, lame characters and CG work that is obviously, well, CG work.  Much like Birdemic, there's no distance you can stand away from the screen to make this look real.  I should say that the comparison is a bit insulting to this film, as they are using actual CG models and not clip art!  I should also say that I don't really care, as this movie sucks too.  Let's get out our deadly sugar as we face-off with...

The film begins with a random death.  Get used to that, as there are only about two dozen of them!  What do you do when your movie is lacking in plot, characterization and good effects?  Throw in lots of murder, of course.  The key problem is that this requires you to show more of your special effects, thus requiring you to throw in more murder and, well, you get the idea.  In between the death, we get a couple of plots.  We have a guy whose job it is to get rid of snakes and rats.  An early sub-plot also involves some prisoners that escape from prison and whose foes are killed by the eel.  We also have the town's female Sheriff,- a unique idea way back in Roger Corman's Gunslinger-a group of interns working for a scientist and a plot involving some people going out rafting.  Translation- they die too.  As I said, a good chunk of the film's First Act is solely about death.  We have death in the water, death on on a boat and even death in a shower.  Please don't ask how the giant eel fit in the pipes or how it knew how to do so!

Eventually, the Sheriff and our hero get involved.  They wander around for a bit, occasionally finding bodies- like in the Diner, where the pair inside are killed off-camera- or evidence of death- like near the outhouse.  They meet up with the father of one of the people missing on the rafting trip.  More people die as the Sheriff stops the town from forming a posse.  They still think that the convicts are behind all the deaths around here.  Clearly they were the ones leaving partly-dismembered bodies covered in dozens of super-tiny teeth marks!  Finally, the hero figures out what's going on, although the way he does so kind of boggles me.  He just goes up to the scientist guy, punches him and says 'I know that you're behind this!'  I mean, he's right, but couldn't you at least explain how he knows that.  Basically, the guy made a giant eel because...um, science.  It's only weakness is that it can't process sugar, since the Fruit Lobbyists were worried that the eel would disrupt production.  No, really.  About that whole 'escaped convicts' plot-line, it ends abruptly when their new hide-out is the eel's new home and they both die.  Yea.

It all builds up to this moment- a showdown between the eel and our heroes.  The scientist tries to shoot it with a hypodermic needle full of poison, only to accidentally shoot a person.  Who didn't see that coming a while away?  He dies as well when his plan to electrocute the eel backfires too.  What good are you?!?  They finally remember the whole 'eel can't process sugar' thing and try to use one of the interns' sugar pills as a processed poison weapon against the thing.  Yes, poison worked so well last time!  Sure enough, their plan doesn't work as the eel 'dies' and just sort of swims away.  So is it vulnerable to sugar or not?  You're trying to be dramatic and all, but could you at least make it logical?!?  Plan Z involves just sticking a grenade in the damn thing's mouth.  This actually works, causing the thing to explode as our two heroes (the only survivors that stuck around) make-out while the things guts fall from the sky.  They walk off into the sunset as another eel monster rises up.  Oh, make that six of them show up!  The End.

Bite me!  The plot of this movie is...well, barely-existent.  It's just a series of random sub-plots (seemingly pulled out of a hat) that serve to tie together monster attacks.  This is like a Greatest Hits compilation, only all of them are done and only serve to highlight this film's unrealistic effects.  Don't get me wrong- the idea behind the eel monster is cool.  It's just a shame that somebody with talent (and a budget) wasn't responsible for the actual execution.  I wanted to like a film about a giant, killer eel- I really did.  It even defies my one key rule about renting monster movies- beware if they are afraid to show you any of the monster- so I had more reason to give it a chance.  Then again, it's only accolade is that one guy who worked on The Devil's Rejects also worked on this one.  It's like the fake praise from the Spy Hard poster- 'A film from beginning to end!'  Hell, Date Movie parodied this whole idea by saying that it was by 'Two of the Guys Behind Scary Movie.'  The best part- it did that years before this movie was made.  The bottom line- this movie is great if you like lots of kills that feature bad CG.  For everyone else, watch Tremors or, hell, Jaws.  Take us away, original title for this film on a poster...

Next up, we end the week officially with the original version a Joe Dante classic.  Will its fancy new DVD version serve as a trophy or as an ironic reminder?  Stay tuned...

Poor Bastards of Cinema: Head of the Family

This one is going to be brief, but still bad.

In Head of the Family, a man blackmails the titular family and uses a letter kept with a lawyer as insurance.  Soon enough, the family finds the lawyer...and kills him.  Mind you, they do this after torturing him first.

What did this guy do exactly?  He was given a letter by a guy- that's it.  He wasn't part of the scheme directly and he didn't even read the letter!  That was completely harsh and unnecessary!

Next up, a man experiences a chance at the ultimate pleasure...before losing it to a giant monster.  Oh yeah, he dies too.  Stay tuned...

Aquatic Killers: Lake Placid 2

What a croc!  This is the Direct-to-Syfy-Channel sequel to the surprise hit film Lake Placid.  Let's consider the first film for a moment and see why it had no chance of being a hit.  Bill Pullman was in it.  In spite of that giant hurdle- and thanks to Betty White-, the film was successful.  This movie follows the original film's plot and involves the baby crocodiles shown at the end of the original film.  I'm curious to see what Lake Placid 3 will do, given its lack of foresight in that department.  Here's the big news- none of the stars are here.  They could not even get Betty White!  Before her big comeback, I'm pretty sure that I could have paid Betty White enough to be in one of my family's home movies!  Instead of Bill Pullman, Bridget Fonda and White, we have John Schneider, Sara Lafleur (no clue if she's related to Art) and Cloris Leachman.  Are you underwhelmed enough yet?  Let's get ready for our trip to...

The film begins with two guys out on the titular lake in a boat.  One is taking eco-samples, while the other is being an idiot.  Okay, they both qualify for that, I suppose!  They talk for a bit before one of them is killed.  Yawn.  The narrative switches to the Sheriff (Schneider) who has his son visiting for the summer.  Blah blah blah the kid doesn't like nature blah blah blah we all know where this is going.  The Sheriff gets called to investigate the death, but doesn't believe it at first because the witness uses pot all the time.  Ha ha- it's funny because someone was torn to shreds!  He meets up with the Fish & Game Warden who is...an ex-girlfriend or something.  This is an odd plot thread since this is the first- and only- film with these characters and we've just barely met the Sheriff.  They go out on the lake and the woman (Lafleur) goes swimming in her underwear until they find parts of the body.  Thank you, T&A filler.  They realize that there is a serious problem, which should be a given.  You guys did have a giant crocodile in your lake some time ago, remember?  They go to see Sadie, the old lady from the first film.  In one off-hand line, they say that the old lady (formerly-White) disappeared and her sister (Leachman) now lives there.  Lame!

So the plot basically breaks down to a series of scenarios that are all taking place around the same time.
* The Sheriff, 'the stoner' and the lady are looking into the crocodiles.
* Leachman is randomly-killing people via the crocodiles and/or trying to kill people with them.
* The son goes out camping with a local girl he likes, as well as her boyfriend, a hot chick and that jerk guy from Monster Man.  Yes, low-rent Jack Black is back!
* A rich hunter (played by character actor Sam McMurray) and his assistant show up to help our heroes.  For no good reason, McMurray has a very bad Irish accent.  Ugh.
* People die...a lot.

The occasionally-good-looking crocodies prove tough, but one of them gets taken out by the combined efforts of the hunter and our heroes.  Unfortunately, there are two more.  One of them attacks our heroes, while the other chases around the sun.  How conveniently the numbers work out, huh?  More of the 'teens' die, including Not Jack Black.  I'm so sad- honest.  Schneider gets a grenade launcher from McMurray and takes out one crocodile, while the other goes down a bit tougher.  The groups reunite and Schneider takes his son and the girl (the lone survivors- duh) to Sadie's house.  Yeah, that's totally safe!  Sure enough, the lady tries to set a trap for the 'teens,' but she gets eaten instead.  It's around this time that they learn that there was actually a FOURTH crocodile, despite no build up to this at all the whole time.  This leads to one final confrontation, which ends with the final crocodile being blown up.  All is well when everything is wrapped up. The End.

Are you surprised that this one didn't turn out good?  The plot of this film is alright, but nothing more.  It's pretty 'by-the-numbers' and routine.  I shouldn't be surprised by this, I suppose.  The acting is not all that interesting and the only one who really makes things watchable is Schneider.  McMurray is never bad, but his character is so lazily-written that he just can't do a lot with it.  In spite of his terrible accent, he tries.  Likewise, the CG work is decent at times.  The problem is that whenever the creatures move, they look very unrealistic.  In some of the still shots (see above), they are lit well-enough to be passable.  The best example of the core problem can be summed up in two words- CG plane.  The plane that McMurray shows up in is CG.  I get it being CG when it has to be attacked by the crocodile, but why does it have to be that way just to land on the lake?!?  The best part, of course, is a wide-shot used after his landing that reveals no plane to be there.  Yes, they forgot to insert the CG Plane into a shot!  Close (being generous), but no cigar guys...

Next up, a film about a giant killer eel.  When a key plot point involves poisoning the creature with sugar, you know it's not going to be good.  Stay tuned...

4/20 Day: Mixed-Up Movies

Dude, I totally spaced on this internet-driven holiday!  Let's make up for that, shall we?

It's important that you only trust certain people to pick up your movies.  If you pick the wrong guy, you'll get the wrong one.

* Steve was sent out to pick up The Ring, but instead he got...

* Daisy was sent out by her girlfriends to pick up Twilight.  Unfortunately, she got...

* Tom was sent out by the AV Club to pick up the new Star Trek.  He got this by mistake...

The moral of this story- don't do drugs and pick up movies from the Red Box.  Of course, you could also stop doing drugs too.  It's just a thought...
   

A Review in Pictures: Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus

Yes, it's them again.  The Asylum got so much inexplicable hype and fame from the original Mega Shark movie that they made a sequel.  I know what you're wondering- where's the Giant Octopus?  Well, he/she was deemed not cool for the sequel, I guess.  In its place, we have a giant crocodile, who travels all the way from Africa to take part in the battle.  Along the way, we meet adult Urkel, 'That Bitch from Monster and there's even a cameo by the ship from Titanic II.  We also get recycled B-Roll footage from King of the Lost World for no apparent reason.  This one is painful, folks.  To ease the pain of this (and to spare you both SPOILERS and the need to see the film), I'm going to give you some basic plot points and lots of screen shots.  Bear witness to the titanic struggle that is...

The film starts in Africa (probably re-using Allan Quartermain footage) with a crocodile escaping from a cave.

The Mega-Shark survives the ending of the last film (somehow) and escapes from the ice (somehow).  It attacks!

Oh yeah, it's super-giant now.  Watch the people clearly miss the 50-foot fin with a cannon!

Can I possibly explain this?  No, I can't.

You will believe that a shark can fly!!!

Oh look- the ship from Titanic II is there.  I guess they had footage of it, so why not insert the Crocodile in?

The creatures face-off in a battle of CG vs CG!  This seems unbalanced, given that the Crocodile can go on land.  Of course, it also can't fly...

The battle moves from land to sea.  It's accentuated by a plot point that I won't spoil.

The climactic battle is just...well, this.

What do you think I'm going to say?  The plot of this movie is just dumb.  So much of it is based on ideas that are never explained or scenes that are never shown.  How did the Shark survive?  They don't show us.  How did it get unfrozen?  Again- they don't show us.  Who the hell is Jaleel White's character and how does he relate to the first film?  No clue.  Basically, we need the Shark to come back, we need White to have a personal vendetta and we need a second, new monster.  Because of all that, they don't explain any of it in great detail.  Accept these facts...or die!  The CG work in this film is goofy as hell.  There are brief moments where it looks decent, sure.  There are other moments where the shark leaps 50 feet out of the water, grabs a torpedo and splashes back into the water.  I mean, what do you say?!?!?  To be completely honest with you, there are some fun moments to be had here.  There's also a slow middle (hello, every Asylum film ever), re-used effects and, of course, 'That bitch from Monster.'  I'm sure that she's a nice lady, but she is just in the worst Asylum films ever (King of the Lost World, Dracula's Curse, The 9/11 Commission Report).  The bottom line- I've showed you most of the hilarious parts.  Do yourself a favor and skip it, unless you're some sort of sadist.  Take us away, oddly-Meta and confusing poster placement...

Up next, we cover a Syfy Channel sequel to a hit film.  This crocodile is out for blood...and a Duke Boy.  Stay tuned...

Lost in Translation: Futureworld (Part 1)

Futureworld is a dumb, silly movie.  Even dumber and sillier than the movie itself are the foreign posters to it.  Take this one, for example...

There are about three problems with this.  One- the title is wrong.  Two- the year in the title is not 100% accurate.  Three- the focus of the poster is Blythe Danner and Peter Fonda making out!

Next up, Futureworld takes another hit.  Yes, there are more of these!  Stay tuned...

Aquatic Killers: Orca

Here's a summary for all you skimmers- I hate this movie.  I hate it, hate it, hate it.  I hate it with the passion that I generally reserve for wars, genocide or films about sparkly vampires.  Thanks again, Carl!  Today's film is a blockbuster rip-off, but that's actually the least offensive thing about it.  It's 'we're better than the other, more famous film' bit happens early and is not all that consequential.  No, the annoying and offensive stuff in Orca pretty much takes up the 99.9% of the movie.  This is a film full of crap science (I think), stupid logic and characters that are far more deserving of death than the film's antagonist.  Basically, take that whole 'he without sin can throw the first stone' logic and toss it out the window!  I really didn't want to hate this movie, but it didn't give me a lot of choice!  By the way, Will Sampson (R.I.P.) is here playing an Indian of a completely different ethnic background and from the literal other side of the country that he's from.  At least he's not an Italian playing an Indian playing an Inuit, I guess.  One other side note, Sampson starred in another killer animal film that year (1977) that I actually want to see (White Buffalo).  Why that film is not on DVD while this one is escapes me!  Get out your crew of half-deaf sailors as we go to hunt the...

 The film begins with some nature footage involving the Orca aka Killer Whale.  It juxtaposes between that and a woman (Charlotte Rampling) giving a lecture on the animal.  She makes up what seem to be all sorts of silly statements, including bits about how Orca can communicate over hundreds of miles via sonar and how their language has more character than all of the languages of the world- combined!  To say that this film is 100% scientifically-accurate is to say that The Human Centipede was 100% medically-accurate!  We cut from that to our lead character, an Irish fisherman looking to make one big catch and retire to Ireland.  Gee, this isn't a recipe for cruel and ironic death.  He goes out hunting for a Great White Shark, but stumbles across something more tantalizing.  While Rampling and a colleague are out in a raft, a shark goes after them...only to be attacked by an Orca.  By the way, I love how the shark sails up and out of the water from being hit in the side.  I'd also love to see Behind-the-Scenes footage of them caber-tossing that shark!  The fisherman decides to hunt the whale instead, despite the warning of Rampling.  The next day, they manage to find the whale and harpoon it...only to realize that they actually got the female one instead.  They find this out when her unborn whale baby plops out on the deck!  To quote Captain Hero from Drawn Together, 'Ah, unborn baby whale- you were as wise as you were delicious.'  The mate makes a mournful 'yell' and apparently vows revenge.  By the way, Orcas can apparently do that.

The creature's revenge scheme is both very elaborate and highly-illogical.  First, it kills the Captain's friend (Keenan Wynn) as the man tries to cut the 'wife' free from the rope.  One- how did it leap that high and precise?  Two- how did nobody hear that thing- which wears over a ton- dispersing the water in the multiple laps it would need to build up the speed to jump that high?!?  Next, it attacks all of the fishing boats in the harbor, save for our hero's.  This is part of it's plan to make the other people in town mad at him & force the guy to face him.  Okay, how the hell does a whale make a plan like that?!?  It involves a level of fore-thought and understanding of human interaction that this thing could not have!  At one point, it even attacks a shore-side building, which causes a fire on the line that goes to the power station and blows it up.  This is a whale, not Dr. Phibes!!!  To add to this, the people in town go along with this logic and make really stupid decisions to help keep this plot in motion.  For example, Rampling tells him that he has to go and fight the whale because of blah blah blah bullshit science blah blah blah.  Later, the guy sets up a trap to shoot the whale on land and she tells him that it's not sporting.  Here's a note- he's about 30x the guy's weight and lives in the water.  If you want him to fight fair, that's not it!

All of this is a build-up to the fight between the guy and the whale.  He tries to just flee, but the people won't let him, for fear that the whale will continually attack them.  Yes, they're being held hostage by a freaking whale terrorist!  Here's a hint for you guys- just freaking move!!!  In addition, the whale attacks its enemy's house (which is on the freaking shore!) by taking out the pillars...because it now knows about architecture too!  The final straw- it bites off one of Bo Derek's feet!  The Captain goes out to Ocean with Rampling, his remaining crew members and Sampson's Indian character.  The crew follows the whale as it leads them away, as opposed to just freaking shooting it like they wanted to in the first place!  Along the way, the whale does another random 'leap out of the water' attacks and kills another crew member.  It's so important that they barely acknowledge it and move on.  The crew eventually get to an ice drift where the whale pushes an iceberg into their boat.  No, really.  This kills Sampson (thanks to falling ice) and wrecks the boat.  Rampling and the Captain go onto the ice, leading the final battle.  The Captain is entranced by the whale (I guess) and doesn't shoot it when he clearly could.  Instead, he gets knocked into the water and thrown into an iceberg via the Orca's tail.  It swims away triumphant as slightly-too-late helicopters rescue Rampling.  The End.

Science is for losers!  The plot of this movie is good in theory, but freaking stupid in execution.  A revenge tale- good.  A revenge tale involving a whale- silly.  A revenge tale involving a super-smart whale that understands human behavior- just plain stupid!  There is a severe lack of logic in regards to the whale and some just plain silly logic in regards to the people.  Why don't these people just kill the whale?  It's clearly in their best interest!  Evidently they were too afraid of offending 'the Gods' or something, so they basically blackmailed the Captain into doing it instead.  I have so many problems with that logic!  It's just so stupid that I feel my IQ start to drop even trying to rationalize it!  I'm sure that there are good ways to make this plot work, but they tried none of them.  That said, it's a Dino De Laurentis production and features good actors, so it's at least nice to look at.  That's the nicest thing I'm going to say about this movie.  Take us away, shark dropped out of a helicopter...

Next up, I present another Review in Pictures.  This time, it's not a Japanese film- it's from The Asylum!  Stay tuned...

VHS For The Win: Demon of Paradise

There's a demon in the water.  That or a rip-off of the Creature from the Black Lagoon...

Apparently this lady has no senses at all.  How much water would that thing displace?

On the plus side, the creature looks cool.  I hope that the thing looks that good in the movie...but I bet not.

Next up, a movie about killer worms that most people know from MST3K.  You've got a tough sell-job, VHS box!  Stay tuned...

Poor Bastards of Cinema: Hologram Man (Again)

This movie gets one last hurrah.  In the opening scene's fight, the tide turns against the villain and his thugs.  As such, his one-eyed henchman disguises himself as a cop...

In the aftermath of the battle, a cop goes over to check on him.  Kudos for using your unexplained eye-wound to your advantage...

This is what you get for helping the wounded!

Well, time to leave.  Hopefully nobody heard that gunshot.  I mean, it's not like I'm surrounded by cops...

So why does the cop need to die?  Because the henchman has to escape capture and play a part later.  They couldn't have just said that he escaped or anything.  No, we need more random murder, especially in a film that has a body count of somewhere around 200!

Next up, a man learns that being a lawyer never pays.  Well, except for all of the time that you aren't killed by mutants, anyways.  Stay tuned...

Forgotten Sequels: The Grudge 3

Don't take it personally now!  After two films in the series, it's only natural that The Grudge would become a Direct-to-DVD fare.  For those of you who don't know, here's the basic plot.  Long ago, some people died with anger in their hearts and came back as ghosts that killed random people.  No, really.  I guess it makes more sense in Japanese.  Basically, the film series consists of two Japanese films and then two remakes of said films (UPDATE: I was way off on the number of Films in this Franchise).  This film, however, is brand new territory.  I totally trust this film, especially considering that it's the only one in the series NOT Directed by Takashi Shimizu & written by a guy with only two other credits- both of which are After Dark Horror Fest films.  Oh yeah, the chick from Saw is here too...just because.  Incidentally, this is a 2009 film, so be wary of SPOILERS...assuming that you care.    Let's get to the bottom of...

Over the credits, we see a Japanese man killing his wife and kid before killing himself.  Um...Chris Benoit joke, I guess.  After the credits finish, we see Shawnee Smith as a psychiatrist treating a kid who was a survivor of his family being killed.  He is afraid of 'her,' but doesn't actually explain what 'it' is.  Naturally, the people don't believe his talk of vague ghosts and it's lack of context.  By the way, something mysterious killed your whole family- they might believe you!

Shawnee leaves and the kid is killed by an unseen creature.  Yes, draw out the reveal of the creature...IN THE THIRD FILM!!!!  Seriously though, the image of the kid's CG double being killed on CC TV is kind of funny.

You know how every other film is a series of vignettes.  Well, this one isn't.

No, it's just about this family who manage an apartment building, which is open despite a family being murdered there.  Hello, plot convenience.  Good-bye, logic!

Basically, the evil spirit is loose in the building because...um, some guy came there in the second film.  If the logic is that it can't leave the building due to the curse, then why does 'she' go to the Hospital to kill the kid and later to kill someone else?  It just seems like a plot hole, is all (UPDATE: I guess can do whatever the Plot wants- never mind).

In addition to our heroes- a young guy, his teen sister and their younger sister- we also have a Japanese woman who moves into their building to deal with the spirit.  This doesn't stop it from killing a bunch of people, including an older lady we saw for one scene (where they totally steal the visual from The Ring- see above) and the young guy's boss.  Say good-bye to Shawnee, as she is killed after a lame chase-stop-chase scene.  Damn you, doors that I should be very familiar with when you consider that I have worked here for years!

My favorite part though: a bit where the sister comes across the pale-white ghost of a little kid that is only wearing a pair of tiny shorts.  She doesn't think that this is weird until she talks to Shawnee at the kid from the beginning's funeral.

Really- nothing about that was weird?!?

Things take a turn for the worse- even by comparison- when more people start dying.  The Japanese lady- whose husband is so important that he appears for one scene in the beginning- tells the girl about the Ju-On curse, but she doesn't buy it.  It's around this time that the brother starts to act mean and bitchy.

Stop me if you've heard this premise before- a caretaker of a building starts to go crazy and attacks his family.  Yeah, it's The freaking Shining!  The Japanese lady explains that the whole thing wasn't entirely the dad's fault.  I mean, he did commit the murder and all, but the source of this goes back to a sillier and even less responsible action.

You see, the mother was a priestess who took evil out of people in the form of their blood...which she gave to her youngest daughter!  I can't see how that could turn out badly!  They try to do the same ceremony, only with putting the blood in the little girl.  The brother attacks, killing the Japanese girl when she fails the simple task of walking backwards.  The little girl completes the ceremony, vanquishing the Ju-on...right before the new one appears.

When she did take part in the ceremony, by the way?  She kills the brother and, in the aftermath, we see that the little girl is now possessed...by the Sister's Ghost...apparently.  The End.

I still hold this against you!  The plot of this movie is just silly.  Then again, when you take the Creator away from the thing for the first time ever, what do you expect?  The whole thing just feels like an awkward step-child that really wants to be part of the series.  Make no sense- check.  A simple plot that still has holes in it- check.  A film that abandons the narrative structure of the series- big check!  The movie has some decent scares in it, but the film just feels cheap.  Kudos to them for actually connecting it to the series.  Of course, by doing so, it makes the plot holes and confusion stand out even more.

As a whole, this is not a terrible film.  Does it work as a Horror Film?  I guess so.  Does it stand up to the rest of the series?  No.  You can do worse, but you can also do better.  I mean, there are four other films in the Series (UPDATE: Give or take like 7 more)...

Up next, we begin Killers of the Sea Week.  The first movie on the block- a film about revenge, murder and the world's smartest whale.  Stay tuned...