VHS For The Win: Grave Robbers

Nobody respects the dead anymore.  It's just because they're so stiff, I guess.  Case in point: the guy from this VHS classic called...

Apparently Richard Lynch went crazy, stole Fonzi's motorcycle and robbed a graveyard.  I'd watch that.

Next up, a face that only a mother could love.  Well, an ape mother anyways.  Stay tuned...

Weird Killers 2: The Baby

Who doesn't love giant babies?  Okay- no hands?  I'm not surprised.  This is a nice and obscure movie, so I'm game.  What kind of crazy hijinks do we get?  We get a crazy family who keeps their 21-year old son in infant form.  That...sure is different.  I'm sure that there's got to be a good reason for this, provided the movie feels like giving one.  I'm going to go ahead and guess that they don't.  By the way, the whole shock-factor here comes from the guy acting like a baby.  Is that meant to be scary or off-putting?  The way it's done- it comes off as silly.  I'll get into why a bit later, but let's just focus on the positive.  It's not a pot of boiling water poured all over my face.  Will this movie be a shocking bit of nostalgia or a piece of history that we should choose not to remember.  Either way- change is in the air.  Ha ha ha- baby puns.  Get our your giant play pen as we go visit...

The film begins with a social worker looking over her file as the credits roll.  You fool- you're taking Case 39!  Incidentally, the movie has no idea what the word 'dramatic tension' means.  Why?  Because you see the adult-baby before the credits even begin!  A competent movie would build up the woman visiting the house, tease that she's upset about something there and, in a big reveal, show the 'kid.'  Not this movie!  The woman get appointed as their liaison and meets the family.  At no point does the movie explain how these people were not put into Family Court and/or had the baby taken away from them.  It's been 20 years- those things would have happened!  They write it off with an off-hand line about them running tests on the 'kid.'  I cry bullshit there, but let's move on.  The family consists of a bitchy woman, a frizzy-haired sister and a blond, bitchy sister.  We also get some subtle build-up to a tragic even in the Social Worker's past.  The hold this card pretty close to their chest, so that's one point for them.  When you actually see what this is building up to, you'll immediately want to take away all of their points though.  You'll see...

The lady begins to hang around the house a lot, which begins to upset the family.  How dare you care about us!  The family suspects that he has some ulterior motive...which she does.  Mind you, her ulterior motive is to get the 'kid' some help and make him an adult.  The family, however, doesn't want her to do this because...um, because!  There's no explanation for this given, so I guess that I can just make my own up.  My theory: they just loved buying diapers so much that they just never wanted to stop!  By the way, all the drama here is sucked out because the 'baby's' voice is an awkwardly-dubbed in sound of a real baby.  I can buy the mind not developing, but the vocal cords and physiology would!  Are we supposed to assume that the poor family made a drug that causes the 'kid' to not go through puberty?!?  They push back by making an accusation against the woman which causes her to be taken off of the case.  They don't explain what they accuse her of, but she's really upset about it.  Well, since she's off the case now, I'm sure that this will be the end of it...

Oh right- I still have one paragraph left.  She continues to make her presence felt, but it's a bit more awkward now.  She takes the 'kid' to a psychologist who says that he thinks the 'kid' can be helped with lots of therapy.  That's when the family cuts off their support.  After being threatened with the action that should have been taken against the family years ago, they concede and invite the lady to the 'kid's' birthday party.  They end up drugging the lady and tying her up in the basement...whereupon they don't check on her.  The 'baby' goes down to the basement, but does absolutely nothing to help as the woman escapes on her own.  Was there a 'baby quota' or something?  The lady escapes the house with the 'baby,' which is odd when you consider that the women were in front of the door the whole time.  She takes the 'kid' home and takes a picture with him in adult clothes, sending it to the family.  Desperate and angry, they break in and try to get their 'baby' back.  Mmm... barbecue sauce.  Our heroine and her mother-in-law take the sisters out, however, and cause the mother to break her leg.  They take her out to the back and bury her in the foundation where their pool is being made.  In the movie's big, twist ending, we learn that the woman's tragic event was an accident that caused her husband to mentally-regress to that of a child.  She takes custody of 'baby'- somehow- and has the family she's always wanted.  The End.

This makes me want to cry!  The plot of this movie is dumb- plain and simple.  The gimmick is a silly one that really does not merit 90 minutes.  The movie meanders about for a long time before building up to its silly finale.  What a random finale too!  The movie just kind of abruptly reaches this odd conclusion.  How has nobody done anything about her situation?  How has nobody done anything about the 'baby' and its situation?  How can a movie about a crusading Social Worker exist in a universe where every other Social Worker does nothing?  More importantly, this movie does very little with its gimmick.  The 'kid' whines and cries in scenes, but it goes nowhere.  They had nowhere to go with this.  It's basically a Mad Libs script that was stopped halfway through.  "Let's make a film about...a man who is...a baby.  Yeah, then he'll....hey, let's go play outside now!"  This could have been something either shocking, scintillating or at least interesting.  It's not.  Life moves on and so should you.  Waaahhh.

Up next, Weird Killers 2 Week continues with a look at one of the more infamous serial killers of all time.  This film was made a mere two years after the crimes took place and just makes shit up.  Stay tuned...

Blockbuster DTV Trash: Mirrors 2

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the lamest of them all!  A Korean film called Mirrors (translated, mind you) was made and apparently deemed popular enough to be remade here.  That film was not exactly a hit, but- you guessed it- the video market was rich enough to merit a sequel.  Fun side note: when my local Hollywood Video was closing down, they had six copies of Mirrors.  Every time I went, they were still there!  Ouch.  Basically, angry ghosts can live on through mirrors and hurt us by taking our likeness.  How this really works is anyone's guess.  This film certainly does nothing to explain it!  Another odd thing is that this movie is really a pretty-close remake of the original Korean film, while Mirrors is not.  Confusing?  Yes.  I suppose if I can make sense of some of the most convoluted film plots this side of Eraserhead, I can wrap my head around this film.  When you read this, make note of the actors who appear in this movie.  Some should be able to do better (Nick Stahl), some really can't (Emmanuelle Vaugier) and others could have at one point (William Katt).  Another important note: this is a late-2010 video release, so SPOILERS will abound.  No complaining, alright?  Get out your Windex so that we can work on the...

The film begins with a guard doing his rounds one night in a building.  Since I've never seen a movie before, I'm sure that this isn't a set-up to something bad!  He wanders past a mirror and starts to pose in it.  Suddenly, his reflection turns bad, breaks its flashlight and begins to eat the glass shards.  That's rich in fiber, you know.  As he begins to freak out, the movie just cuts to the credits.  Okay, so what happened to him after that?  In some clunky exposition, we learn that the owner of the building (Katt) has a son with a tragic event in his recent past (Stahl).  The guy agrees to take over for the old guard, who just up and quit.  I'd love to see him tell them that with a mouth full of glass!  The boss introduces his son to the main employees aka the victims of the movie.  Don't bother to know them too well, as they are one-dimensional plot devices in human form.  The new guard sees visions of a girl in reflections around the place and is a bit unsettled.  By the way, for those wondering how this is a sequel, there's an off-hand line about a mirror being taken from the original hotel in Mirrors.  That's it.  That night, we see alternating scenes of Stahl walking around and the woman from earlier taking a shower.  When you're showing her naked in the shower and it's not really to set-up drama/suspense, you're just making porn!  Eventually, her reflection turns evil and makes her trip, while a vision of it shows up in the mirror in front of Stahl...

The police look into the crime, but right it off as accidental.  If the glass in your shower is sharp enough to decapitate you from a ten-inch drop, you may want to switch to plastic.  The next night, Stahl goes on his rounds again and sees more hints of things to come.  One of the guys from earlier is seen at home preparing dinner when his evil reflection reveals itself.  It begins to cut itself, causing the same injuries to happen to the guy.  Again- how does that work?  Is it too much to ask for the movie to actually explain it's own logic?  The cops get even more suspicious when two people who work at the same place die in the span of two days.  Logic- I can't believe you stopped by for a visit!  The police question Stahl, but he explains that he has a solid alibi.  As it turns out, he tried to call and warn the guy, since the mirror spirit likes to give him foreshadowing.  He calls his dad and says that he can't work on the job anymore, which the dad accepts pretty easily.  Stahl really freaks out, however, when he sees the evil reflection of his dad on that same night.  He rushes home and stops the kill by...being around.  Odd.  Incidentally, say good-bye to Katt as this is his last scene too.  He just stops showing up...for some reason.

Finally, we get a real hint of the story behind the killings.  Stahl meets up with a woman (Vaugier) who has had a few minor scenes earlier.  She is looking for her sister, who went missing after a company party two months ago.  The pair go to talk to the guard from the beginning, but he's a little freaked out, living in a house with no mirrors.  Mind you, he has reflective metal, but I guess the movie isn't that literal.  We learn that the sister was at the party when three people- the same guys that Stahl met on his first day- messed with her.  The first two victims drugged her and send her home with the third guy, who tries to rape her in the back room of the building.  He ends up killing her when she struggles and the body was never found.  In an attempt to be clever, the movie juxtaposes the flashback with an attack scene of the the third guy attacking Vaugier at the building.  It's really just annoying, guys.  Ultimately, the pair end up in the lobby and by the giant, plot-point mirror from earlier.  The girl's spirit appears and drags the bad guy through, apparently killing him as a blood stain shows up on the mirror.  After that, the mirror explodes!  In the Epilogue, the guard is interrogated for his part- he erased the security tapes of the event- and is left behind when the mirror spirit comes for him.  The End.

This film has a reflection and it's ugly!  The plot of the movie is a bit confusing, since it likes to hold on to key plot points like a kid with his candy.  Give it, give it!  The idea of the ghost coming back for revenge thing is pretty plaid out from J-Horror and K-Horror films.  Of course, being a remake of a K-Horror film, that makes sense!  I still can't get past the whole 'mirrors kill you' thing.  They don't explain it in any real detail here.  I haven't seen all of Mirrors, but maybe they do a better job.  I kind of doubt it.  This film just uses the basic premise as a set-up to have some gory kills.  If you're just into that stuff, you may enjoy at least part of the movie.  We're only about twenty-minutes into the film before the whole scene with the woman in the shower.  Speaking of which, that scene is just shameless T&A!  As the people over at The Smithee Awards would say, it's an example of the 'Let's Up the Rating to R' trope.  Many films have shower scenes that show little to no nudity, but this one's has a porn star-looking lady.  The acting here is not all that bad, but nobody really stands out too much.  To his credit, Katt's character feels like a real, natural person.  Oddly, I didn't like him as an actor too much in House, but he's good here.  Oh yeah, Stahl is still too good for this crap.  If you like the original film, this has nothing to do with it, save for rehashing the lore behind the kills.  You couldn't spring for a Keifer Sutherland cameo or anything?  It's not terrible, but it's nothing all that good or interesting once you look past the cheesy gore.  Let's just see how Mirrors 3 turns out...since I'm sure they'll make it.

Up next, we begin Weird Killers 2 Week with an obscure, 1970s film.  I hope you like infantilizing!  Stay tuned...
  

Deep Blue Sea Moments: Outlander (2008) ***UPDATED***

In Outlander, A giant monster is attacking the village, but the tide is turning against it.  After all, it began the fight by being trapped and set on fire.  One of the men (Ron Perlman) swings his Axe at it, but misses.

The creature continues to flee past him...

...only for a swipe of it's tail to cut off Ron's head!

That sure was random, since he was a major character and the second-most recognizable star of the film.  That's pretty damn undignified too!

War never changes, huh?  Maybe next time you try something new- ducking!

DTV Sequels: 2001 Maniacs- Field of Screams

Why do I keep punishing myself?!?  2001 Maniacs (the remake) was not a good movie.  I know that some people like the kitschy humor and gore, but I was just 'rubbed the wrong way' by the whole thing.  I didn't like the characters- good or bad- and I didn't care about what was happening.  Ultimately, I liked the original better, in spite of it's lack of gore.  Yes, an H.G. Lewis movie that has almost no gore- I'm shocked too!  Five years later, a sequel was made.  Why?  Some changes occured here as Robert Englund is no longer playing The Mayor, having been replaced with Bill Mosely.  I have to wonder why this is.  Did Englund not care for the script?  Did he not want to play the same horror villain twice?  Okay- I know it's not that.  Was Englund just too busy?  Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on your point of view, Tim Sullivan is still on board as both a Writer (not the sole one) and a Director.  If you really wanted a sign of what kind of quality to expect here, the film also includes Jar Jar Binks...'s actor, Ahmed Best.  As history has shown, it is not a good sign when you bring him into a series!  The plot here involves a new group of 'Yankees' ending up with the people of Pleasant Valley.  This time, it's a very-dated referent joke- even when the film was made last year.  Let's just hope that Natalie Merchant isn't around when we visit the...

The film begins with a bit of exposition about why Pleasant Valley is full of cannibal ghost/zombie things.  Actually, they don't explain why they're cannibals- they just kind of are.  The killing I get, but not that part.  Especially when you consider that cannibalism was not a key aspect to the original.  After the comic panel fun- drawn to reflect the recasting-, we see the Sheriff dragged in to Pleasant Valley by the Mayor's two sons.  He took down their 'Detore'- Ha ha ha...poor literacy- sign since he is tired of all the missing people that keep popping up.  No, he's actually doing it because the Feds are investigating it.  As revenge, the town does the barrel full of nails trick from the original film, but ends it with a ramp that somehow causes the guy to stick to a bullseye.  Physics is fun to ignore, isn't it?  Still far short of the 2001 sacrifices to end their limbo-like existence, the town needs a new plan to get Yankees.  The solution: road trip!  Hey, remember the whole thing about this being based on Brigadoon and how the town is trapped there?  Yeah- screw that!  They can just leave and, as a bonus, there is no time constraint either.  I love it in when the entire plot of a movie just changes to suit your needs, Tim!  After that, we meet the heroes/victims of the movie- a blatant rip-off of Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie.  Yes, we're going with a Simple Life parody, despite the fact that what they're parodying aired in 2004!  It would have been dated when they made the first film!

You know what's going to happen, right?  The group hang around the Pleasant Valley Travelling Fair and wait around to get killed.  A blond assistant gets knocked out, dragged to the 'Doctor's' Tent and cut in half with a giant saw.  By the way, how do to the people who have been ghosts for the last 100-odd years have the technology to do that?  Of course, that's not the most anachronistic part you'll see in the movie, but this is the first real kill of the film.  Next, Not Paris' Boyfriend goes looking for the girl and gets surrounded by a bunch of ladies.  Speaking of which- here's a real kicker: Pleasant Valley has an Asian woman in it!  How?!?  Anyways, they play around with him until they dress him up like Yankee Soldier and kill him via an electric chair.  Okay, I have to question that implement too- especially since the device was invented in 1887!  I should also mention that there are almost no likable characters in the good group.  The best one is a black lady who does nothing other than make-out with the Hispanic guy.  It's time for the big show...

Still not questioning the missing presence of their comrades, the group sit down to watch a show by the Confederates.  This includes Linn Shaye dancing around...like the lady from Flashdance!?!  No, really.  They do a magic trick where they dress the Jewish Producers up like Lincoln and shoot a cigar...which turns into a stick of dynamite and blows his head up!  I really hate this movie.  The Pleasant Valley gang tie up the people and give them a sporting chance to flee.  Translation: the group splits up and gets killed.  The lady Producer gets accidentally shot by Not Paris and Not Nicole, only to be left behind and killed by a woman with a Saw-like bear-trap coming out of her chastity belt.  Bullshit!  How do they have that and how can nobody see it?  If you're not going to try, why should I?!?  The black girl is faked out when she survives a hanging- thanks to the rope being too long- only for Moseley's son to pull the rope with his tiny wagon.  Aargh!  The Hispanic guy is seemingly-killed when he falls onto a pitchfork, but actually lives!  There's a fight between the Hispanic guy and the Mayor, but that doesn't resolve anything.  He helps the girls start up the bus, only for the trunk to be slammed on him and causing the motor to grind him up.  Um, how?   The girls drive away until the bus breaks down, but they bicker until The Mayor's son runs them over.  The town decides to take their traveling show on the road.  The End.

The South will suck again!  The plot of this movie is a joke.  It would work as a good parody if the material was fresh or ripe.  Instead, it's a parody of a show that ran from 2003 to 2004!  On top of that, parodying Paris Hilton is the easiest and most over-done parody of the last several years.  Case in point: every movie by the people behind Date Movie and Epic Movie.  Even if the subjects were interesting, the jokes are awful!  What kind of jokes do we get?  The old lady being horny, one of the sons humping a stuffed lamb and the Doctor making faces all the time.  Yeah, this is such crap.  There are good ideas that could have been mined, but they were more content to have people cut in half or the fake Simple Life stars flashing their boobs.  We also get black jokes, Hispanic jokes and lots of gay jokes.  Wow, I'm so underwhelmed.  The gore is silly and fake-looking.  If you were trying to make me laugh, you failed.  If you were trying to scare me, you failed.  If you were trying to gross me out, you failed.  What good are you again? 

Next up, Blockbuster Trash joins in the DTV fun.  I cover the DTV Sequel to Mirrors, which is actually a remake of the Korean film...which Mirrors was not.  Stay tuned...

DTV Sequels: S. Darko (A Donnie Darko Tale)

If I could turn back time, I would stop them from making this film!  In 2001, Richard Kelly made a surprise hit with the film Donnie Darko.  The film is weird and confusing, but has enough underlying quality to make it last.  Of course, it's star- Jake Gylenhaal- made it really big, giving the film longevity.  Years went by as Kelly attempted to match the success of this film and, to this day, he really hasn't.  As far as Southland Tales goes, I'll get to that in time.  Since I like to repeat myself, here is the statement that has been in almost every one of these reviews.  Thanks to the rich DVD market, a sequel was bound to happen.  Kelly has nothing to do with the project, but we do get the director of Rampage: The Hillside Strangler Murders.  Uh oh.  The film jumps ahead several years and focuses on Samantha Darko, the younger sister of Donnie.  Are your hopes set to the proper level now?  Good.  Let's head on out to Utah to visit...

The film is extremely confusing, so I'll try to make sense of it.  Basically, Samantha and her friend leave Virginia (good-bye, actors who played the parents) to make it big in Hollywood.  However, their car breaks down in Utah.  They run across a bunch of weird people and stay for a bit.  The squinty-eyed guy from Gossip Girl is here doing his worst James Dean impression too.  A meteorite crashes into a windmill- why do they have that still?- and intrigue arises.  Mostly, our heroines just wander around listlessly while the film insists that interesting things are happening.  I feel that it's important to note the moments where the film blatantly tries to be the original film.
* Donnie goes to a theater and talks with the rabbit, while Samantha goes to a theater and talks to a Pastor.
* Donnie faces off with a preachy guy (Patrick Swayze) who has a dark secret, while Samantha faces off with a preacher (ha ha) with a dark secret.
* Donnie touches a wall separating reality and fantasy, while Samantha just shoves her face into it.  Ow.

 

Yeah, I still can't make much sense of this.  I tried- I really did.  Basically, ghosts/future versions of people wander around and try to stop some sort of catastrophe.  At one point, Samantha dies from a car accident and I actually thought that the movie would be clever.  What actually happens is that her friend reads the book on Time Travel- why does she have that?- and is led by a ghost/vision to the edge of reality.  She changes history and dies instead.  The weird guy in town meets a ghost and makes his own bunny mask out of scrap metal.  Samantha is depressed and eventually sets up the future events of the film.  Ultimately, time runs out and a meteor shower- which goes from being a box in space to a flaming bird for some reason- rains down.  The weird guy uses the time-travel cliche again and undoes 80% of the movie.  Thanks for wasting my time, guys!  He changes history by dying in the initial crash, which seems far too easy.  Samantha decides to leave town- how does his event change her mind?- and goes back to Virginia.  Aw, that would be sweet if I gave a shit.  The End.

 

Much like war, things never change.  The plot of this movie should be simple, but they muck it the hell up!  Time travel can be a clever device- see Time Crimes- but this movie can't get it right.  Hell, the movie they're trying to copy can get it right!  Instead of enjoying the film, I just start to question the film's internal logic.  For example, Samantha's friend uses time-travel to change the events.  However, she only uses it because of what happened, so wouldn't her undoing it remove her motive for doing it in the first place?  Furthermore, she actually dies in the revised history, making it impossible for her to have ever interceded in the first place!  I could spend all day on this crap, so I'll move on.  Beyond the plot holes and aping of the original, the film is just boring.  The actors are so listless and just don't draw me on.  It took me many viewings to even finish this film!  Mind you, I just spent this afternoon watching Red Zone Cuba (with MST3K riffing, mind you)!   Apathy is the worst response that you can get from a movie and I got it in spades.  I didn't care and I can't really think of a good reason why you should either.  There is a possibility of those of you who are morbidly-curious will find a kick out of it.  The film's shitty effects are a high point, but everything else is just bad.  Take us away, special effects from The Abyss...

Up next, the DTV sequel to the remake of a film that's actually kind of decent.  Naturally, this one follows in its predecessor's footsteps by being racist and annoying.  Stay tuned...

DTV Sequels: Wrong Turn 3

One more missed intersection and we're stopping for directions!  There's one more film in this series- unless you count what's mentioned in today's Mondo Trivia section- so let's not waste too much time.  The last film ended with some sequel-bait regarding another cannibal out there with a baby.  Well, they ignore the last part of that ending, but there are more cannibals.  What?  You were expecting giant robots or something?  This film mixes up the narrative a bit in a strange way.  Does it work?  Kind of, but not really.  The plot is a bit convoluted too, as we get a couple different groups that all have their own goals and agendas.  In those groups, there is even more splintering!  Basically, it's a movie where all the characters were put together via Mad Libs!  I'm not going to quit now though, so let's recalibrate the GPS before it sends us on another...

The film begins with a pair of couples out river rafting down the rapids.  They stop for a bit of sun.  One of the guys goes off with his lady, while the other couple stays behind for two good reasons: boobs.  While fondling his girlfriend, an arrow shoots through her boob and punctures the guy's hand.  He tries to flee, but dies.  The woman tries the same thing and gets an eye-full of arrow.  The other guy runs away, but trips like a woman from a 1960's film heroine and dies.  That just leaves the other girl and she...vanishes for the next thirty minutes of the movie.  Weird, right?  The narrative jumps to a prison where we learn that a transport is going down.  A young guard is sent with his black friend to transport a Neo-Nazi and an Hispanic Gang Leader.  It's like Oz meets Road Trip!  By the way, the movie's characters are so stock that they literally just steal Nicolas Cage's character from Con Air!  No, really.  As a bonus, the FBI has an agent going in undercover with the transport.  Guess how far this plot point goes- I dare you!  The group drives down a back road to avoid any attempts at a break-out and stops in for a chat with the local Sheriff and his hot Deputy.  They leave, but get attacked by the crazy cannibal.  Yes, they've escalated to attacking armed transports now!

The group figures out that the attack was not part of the plan when the third, previously-unseen guard gets shot through the head.  Poor Bastard of Cinema, perhaps?  They fire at the cannibal, causing him to flee...for now.  He sets up some traps out in the woods, while another cannibal does the same.  There's actually a third cannibal out there too- the son of the main one- and he...runs up to attack the group and dies.  Thanks for playing- you don't get a copy of our home game!  The group says that they have to get a stash of money that was kept out in the woods.  Gee, it sure was nice of the Prison to bring them along the exact route they needed to go on...especially when the convicts didn't know about the detour!  The group bickers, since the Neo-Nazi guy and the Hispanic Gang Leader both want to be in charge.  They bring the two guards along for the trip, since the lead guy is familiar with the woods.  He has a crazy plan- make them wander around the woods until the cops can find them.  Never mind the killer cannibals out there- just make time for them to pick you off one-by-one.  Speaking of which, the undercover guy gets killed by a rope trap that sends a Scythe swinging, cutting his face off.  So much for that sub-plot, huh?  At some point, the Final Girl gets with the group...only to just get lead around like the others.

Things get really convoluted and complex here as the movie appears to be made by a guy with ADD.  We constantly jump back and forth between characters and locations.  At one point, we're watching the Sheriff look for the others, when we jump back to the 'Final Guard' and 'Final Girl' fleeing from the others.  The Neo-Nazi and the Gang Leader finally fight, but the former escapes with the money.  He gets killed by the lead cannibal via a molotov cocktail.  When did he learn to make those?  At one point, the Deputy is driving around and we later see her having already been captured and tortured.  There is a Deleted Scene showing her initial torture, but we still miss a lot here!  We get a showdown between the Gang Leader and the lead cannibal, which the latter wins.  Before that, however, the Gang Leader gave the girl up to the other cannibal, requiring 'Not Con Air' and 'Final Guard' to save her.  They do so, leading to the guy finally being killed.  It's just one last battle between the group and the other cannibal, which eventually ends in the guy getting a hook through the head.  The heroes let 'Not Con Air' go as payment as the movie ends.

Of course, I would be remiss without mentioning the film's odd, post-credits Epilogue.  Final Guard goes back to the woods for the remaining cash.  This will fund his dreams that were so unimportant that they didn't make the review.  Unfortunately...

He is shot through the heart, but who's to blame?  It's Not Con Air, who has lost his faux American accent.  He repays people's kindness well, doesn't he?  Unfortunately...

A fourth cannibal is out there and kills him off-screen.  So much for this being over, I guess.  The *real* End.

I'd rather be in Albuquerque!  The plot is a big mess, basically jumbling together a host of random ideas.  Was this film written by an actual writer or by a committee of children?  It's like when kids get together and all want their part to be in the story.  The result- no clear narrative flow or direction.  It's a bunch of people out in the woods who can't get along.  When they die, it has no real drama to it.  Maybe the cannibals can be interesting.  Nope- they never talk.  We get one little moment where the lead guy helps his son (maybe) out of a trap that he was setting.  That's not enough!  I have to care about someone for all this gore to matter!  Speaking of gore, the movie has a lot of it.  It's not Riki-Oh, but it is bloodier than most other films you might see.  Does it make the whole experience manageable?  Nope.  I can see blood in a lot of movies, so I don't care about this.  On an unrelated topic, the subtitle of the film makes no sense.  She wasn't left for dead- they didn't know where she was!  When a film can't even get that simple aspect right, what hope is there?  Feel free to skip this one unless you really wanted to see Cliches vs. Cannibals.  Now that's an Asylum film title!

Next up, I cover the Direct-to-DVD sequel to a film that people either didn't see or love to death!  Given that it has none of the stars and no coherent plot, I'm sure that it will be great.  Stay tuned...

Mondo Trivia: Wrong Turn 3...and 4?

*According to IMDB, a 2008 horror film called Swamp Devil was released as Wrong Turn 3 as a bootleg in The Phillipines.  Does it make it an official title?  Obviously not.

*In 2009, a different horror film called Albino Farm was released in The Phillipines as Wrong Turn 4.

I guess I have to review that now too, huh?  At least this one has a wrestler in it (Chris Jericho) to help me out.

DTV Sequels: Wrong Turn 2

What can you say about the film other than this- Eliza Dushku said 'No.'  The former star of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Dollhouse said 'No.'  Despite being in the original film, she said 'No.'  Who did says 'Yes' to this film though?  Henry Rollins.  Okay, so maybe the film could be decent.  The film is about a group of people who go out to the woods to film a reality show.  It's going to be fun looking at these films in about twenty years, huh?  All of those crazy cannibals you loved from the first film...are not really here per se.  There are a bunch of freaky guys with bows and knives though.  The movie also makes sure to indulge in a little stunt-casting to sweeten the pot for us.  Ultimately though, the film has to be judged on its own merits.  Let's do that, shall we?  Let's all yell at the GPS for taking us on a...

The movie begins with former American Idol cast member Kimberly Caldwell driving around in her expensive car en route to the show.  She stops when she hits a person, only to be attacked by a hillbilly cannibal.  The guy she hit is alright-how?- and the pair cut her in half.  Yes, her film debut is about six minutes of her bitching on the phone and dying.  By the way, this is the part that they apparently offered Dushku.  I can't imagine why she said 'No' to you guys!  After this, we meet the rest of the group.  The cast members include a skater dork, a black guy, a slutty girl, a Marine woman and a generic girl.  The guy behind the project brings some credibility by virtue of wearing a Battle Royale t-shirt.  Don't worry- he loses it later.  With Caldwell's absence, the guy coerces his girlfriend to take part in the show, since she was their back-up.  In a movie that's barely started, we already get one major plot-hole.  The killers are out in the woods and ready to eat, but two fat guys wandered around setting up all the cameras for the show.  Nice continuity.  The real person to pay attention to is Henry Rollins as the Drill Instructor/Host of the show.  By the way, the premise of the show is that these people are the last survivors of a nuclear war.  Break out the Interceptors!

So the killers and crew are all out in the woods now, so the fun can begin.  We get a lot of forced characterization in first though, since the movie wants you to wait for your kills.  We are treated to a brief scene of Rollins being attacked by the cannibals, but not killed.  The non-important black guy is killed though, so I guess they were just too tired to kill Rollins at the moment.  What actual character traits do we need to know and/or remember.  The Marine lady is a lesbian and very strict.  The fill-in girl is engaged to the Producer and the black guy is very conservative.  The Producer and the slutty girl try to get him to do something salacious, but he says 'No' and leaves.  Once he's gone, the girl proceeds to give the Producer the old 'mouth hello' to his junk.  Guess who wanders by just in time to see this?  She tries to get past this as her and generic girl find the cabin occupied by the cannibals.  They rush away, but fill-in girl gets killed.  So much for her plot-line, huh?  Who needs resolution anyhow?!?  Speaking of which, the slutty girl is attacked by a pair of cannibals- a couple- but only after the guy manipulates himself to her image.  The rest of the group is safe from the killings for now and comes across a lunch.  I hope you like American Idol contestants!

The group finally figure out how bad things are and try to get away.  It goes about as well as you might think.  They run across a woman being attacked by a cannibal, only to find out that it's a horny pair of cannibal teens screwing- eww.  Marine girl and skater guy end up being caught in one of those cliched 'ropes in a tree' traps.  They act optimistic, but get shot through the eyes by an arrow coming from an impossible angle.  On the plus side, the kid cannibal and the adult one bonded there.  Eventually, the black guy and generic girl get lured into a trap via a video of the Producer being killed.  Yes, those cannibals set up a trap with a video feed- sure.  Thankfully, Rollins has escaped his 'lunch invitation' and took out the cannibal.  He meets up with an old man who's totally not part of the clan and they talk before...Rollins kills him with an arrow that has dynamite strapped to it.  Bonus points: the old man talks to him while he puts the dynamite arrows together!  Rollins goes in Commando-style and takes out the horny cannibal couple via another dynamite arrow.  When in doubt, use your one good idea twice!  He frees the pair, but gets killed.  The pair manage to take out the adults by knocking them into a giant meat grinder that they have.  Well, that's your fault for mounting that on your wall.  In the Epilogue, we find the two fat guys from earlier were killed by another cannibal.  Sequel-time!

You're in the jungle, baby.  You're going to be...disappointed.  The plot of this movie is as basic as can be.  People are in the woods and a killer goes after them.  They fill the movie with a ton of cliched characters and badly-written dialog to boot!  More importantly, they fail to follow the most simple rules of Screenwriting.  If you set up a plot, follow through with it.  Instead, stuff like the girl finding out about her boyfriend cheating on her is simply abandoned in favor of having her killed.  Why?  What's the point of that plot if you do nothing with it?  If you're not going to care about your own plot points, why should I?  In addition to that, the acting is just not that good.  Mind you, I pretty much expected that, so there are no big surprises here.  The bottom line is this: the movie just feels cheap.  I mean, it is, but it shouldn't feel like it.  Even 'okay' films like The Marine appear to be bigger-budget productions than they actually are.  You guys should look into that.  Of course, you already made this into a trilogy, so it's too late for that.  Oops.  On the plus side, boobs.

Next up, the other sequel that went Direct-to-DVD.  This one involves prisoners, cannibals and a Valve game title rip-off.  Stay tuned...

Lost in Translation: A Clockwork Orange (Part 3)

Since Stanley isn't here to stop me, let's look at one final poster for his classic...

All I can gather is that this movie is about a plaster version of the chick from the Metropolis poster.  That and the letter 'A.'

Next up, we end Kubrick Month with a look at a poster for his last film.  It can't be more of a mess than the film, right?  Stay tuned...

DTV Sequels: Joy Ride 2

Who doesn't love random serial killers?  A film was made quite a few years back called Joy Ride.  It featured a pair of guys (Steve Zahn and Paul Walker) who mess with a truck driver, only for him to be a vindictive bastard.  He harasses them and even goes after a girl they know (Leelee Sobieski) to boot.  The film was not really a big hit, but, again, the rich video market demands that anything that didn't totally bomb get a Direct-to-DVD sequel.  Sorry, Pluto Nash!  In this film, we have no stars- not even the truck driver voice-actor- and a film that alleges to be a sequel.  The premise- the killer is back to harass another trio of people who 'wrong him' in some way.  On the plus side, they aren't making shit up like White Noise 2 or Stir of Echoes 2.  Can this film rise above the stigma of its genre and deliver a surprise success?  Yeah, not really.  There is a lot to talk about though, so let's strap on in for a...

The film starts with a hooker coercing her way into a trucker's 'situation.'  She works her way into the cab of his truck, where he proceeds to be a complete jerk to her.  Incidentally, we never see the trucker's face here.  This is maintained throughout the film in an attempt to ape that of the original's ambiguous killer.  Here- it feels like they're just taunting you, since his face is always just out of view.  Anyways, the guy kills the young woman by tricking her into sticking her out out the window, sliding it up and running her face into a pole.  That's a lot of work when you could just shoot her or something.  As you'll see later, logic is not something usually attached to the kills you see here.  After the credits, we meet three out of the four heroes of the film.  Two of them are an engaged couple who are on a trip, while the third is the girl's best friend from college.  They're driving to Las Vegas to have the Bachelor/Bachelorette parties.  They stop at a Gas Station where the third girl meets up with an internet fling, who she invited to go with them.  In most films, this would be a set-up for the character to be the killer.  In here, it's just a plot thread that gets driven into the ground.  En route, the quartet's car breaks down and they have to walk.  Since the lead guy is Nick Zano, he has to have his shirt off.  Just get that requirement out of the way now, movie.  They stumble across a house and figure that it's safe to borrow the car parked there.  Yeah, bad idea.  As you probably guessed, the car belonged to the trucker.  He hasn't been in the house in months, but is still really, really obsessed with keeping the possessions there- interesting.

  They actually pass him a bit later on the road, which creates an intriguing plot hole.  They take the main road back, but don't pass the guy on the way.  However, he arrives home what's supposed to be hours later and catches up to them the next morning.  It's not impossible, but it's a bit implausible.  He threatens them and kidnaps Zano.  Yeah, the biggest 'star' in the film gets kidnapped and barely plays a role here- nice.  Make sure to note that the trucker managed to follow the guy, blitz attack him, drag him out the back of the diner, get him in the truck and drive a bit away in the span of three minutes.  This guy is the freaking Flash!  He tells them that they have to do what he says or else he'll kill the guy.  His first request: he wants the best friend girl's middle finger, since she flipped him off earlier and 'gave him the bird.'  That's the stupidest serial killer logic that I've ever heard!  Desperate, our heroes go to a Morgue and cut the finger off of a corpse.  They go to the drop location, but the best friend girl and her internet pal try to sneak up on the trucker.  Over the phone, he asks her to walk in front of the truck and do a strip tease.  She does so before confronting the trucker and...it not being him.  She rushes back to the car, only to find Zano's severed finger.  He calls her on her deceit and says that he delivered on his promise to 'bring him back,' since he gave part of him back.  One- that's stupid.  Two- how the hell did he sneak up on them in a big rig, unlock her car, stick the finger in the glove compartment, run back to his truck and drive away again in less than three minutes?  You couldn't get that kind of speed with Acme Rocket Skates!

Things get even worse as the trucker next asks them to pick up some drugs for him a trucker location.  Oh yeah, he wants the internet pal to do so while dressed as transsexual hooker!  Good grief, movie!!  He says 'no' to the girls, so they pull out a Checkov's Gun in the form of a scalpel taken from the Morgue and threaten to kill him if he doesn't.  Who's the psycho killer here again?!?  He goes along with the plan under coercion and ends up being captured by the trucker.  Our heroines chase him, but end up being chased themselves- don't ask me how that happened.  The guy ends up crashing into the wreck of his car (see above) killing the best friend girl.  He goes back to his house with Zano and internet pal to torture them as part of some silly game.  Don't ask me to explain this either.  He kills internet pal with a piece of rebar through the head.  Ow. Our heroine manages to get a motorcycle and drive back, apparently just knowing where the guy went.  Thank you, lazy screenwriting.  All of this ends in a fight with our heroine driving the truck and the guy on the hood.  The truck goes over a cliff- which is about thirty feet from his house- and explodes.  In the Epilogue, we see the trucker still alive and picking up a new victim.  Um, how?  The End.

Don't hitchhike, kids!  The plot of this movie is dumb, attempting to awkwardly-rehash the original.  The problem- the original is not that good.  Even so, there is actual chemistry between Zahn and Walker- not in any gay sort of way, mind you.  In this movie, we get bossy girl, indecisive girl and poser guy.  Never mind that they turn on him when they realize the truth about him- his piercings are clip-ons and his tattoos are fake.  Hell, our Final Girl doesn't even seem to realize that he is dead.  Honey, he's dead because you sent him out there and got him captured- bitch.  This movie has the same problem that Smokin' Aces 2 had for me.  The plot and events just don't sync up in any logical way.  Things happen inorganically and simply because the writer(s) want(s) them to.  This serial killing truck driver is a mix of Sherlock Holmes, Jigsaw and The Zodiac Killer.  Not only that, but he has super-speed (see earlier) and super-strength.  How do I know the last one?  Because he garrotes a guy so hard that it cuts off the lower part of his jaw!  Is that even possible?  This film is full of plot holes and just feels lazy.  More importantly, it delves into the whole 'Torture Porn' thing and just generally made me feel uncomfortable.  I can deal with shitty movies- and I do- but I still don't like that shit.  Obviously, you may disagree.

Next up, I take a look at one of the two Direct-to-DVD sequels to Wrong Turn.  Those cannibals sure do keep busy!  Stay tuned...

VHS For the Win: The Navy vs. the Night Monsters

The United States military has so many things to combat, between terrorism and other militant groups.  Now they have another enemy...

Oh my God, Snuffleupagus has gone crazy!  Shoot the guy controlling his legs- it's the only way to stop him!

Next up, criminals attack our graveyards and steal our dead!  On top of that, they look cool while doing so.  Stay tuned...

DTV Sequels: Smoking Aces 2- Assassin's Ball

Well, I'm glad that you think that the movie is clever.  Smokin' Aces was a minor hit by Director Joe Carnahan a few years ago.  With such a fertile video/streaming market, a sequel was only natural.  Of course, Carnahan and company have to mix things up, so we get a prequel.  Joe didn't have much to do with this movie, as he was too busy making an awesome movie called The A-Team.  Speaking of that movie, the original Aces was famous for its abundance of celebrities, despite the low-budget nature of the film.  What does this one bring us?  If you guessed Tom Berenger and Vinnie Jones, then you would be right!  Yeah, that's a little sad.  Of course, maybe I'm being too harsh.  This film could have more going for it than I think.  Rather than talk about it, let's get right to it.  Incidentally, this review will not be free of SPOILERS, so keep that in mind.  I've got my best dress and my baretta, so we are ready to attend...

The film begins In Media Rez with a man walking out of a burning building in that awkward camera work done on that Fear show that used to be on MTV.  We jump back about a week to see how we got there.  You're already beginning with a pretentious film cliche, so we're not off to a good start!  We find out that a hit has been put out on a mid-level clerk in the FBI.  Why?  We'll find out in the end...and you'll be disappointed.  In some bits of flashy editing, we manage to meet the villains of our film.  One of them is a crazy blond woman who is part of a clan of crazy killers.  As one of the two, returning cast members, you immediately know that her brother won't die here.  Good-bye, drama.  Next is the clinical hitman for the mob played by Vinnie Jones, who does a little brain surgery on a client.  There's the busty nun who kills a priest because...well, they wanted a woman dressed as a nun here.  Whatever floats your boat, movie.  Last is a man who is a master-of-disguise and the other returning cast member.  Gee, I'm sure that he'll die in the final battle too.  The FBI agent (Berenger) is taken to a hidden location to wait out the contract's expiration.  Yes, this hit contract has an expiration date...for some reason.

The movie bides it time for a bit, setting up all of the characters in their own little ways.  A lot of this is just filler, but some of it does prove important.  All of the killers get into place, as Jones and the slutty nun lady enter the bar set above the bunker containing the target.  I get the whole 'hiding in plain sight' thing, but allowing people to walk freely above your location is not a smart thing.  The master-of-disguise switches places with one of the agents, allowing them to bring back the old actor and actually use him very little.  I'm sure that he loved that.  The crazy family splits up, with the woman going down into the sewers while one of the brothers snipes the outside agents.  For their big move, they take a couple of circus clowns, wrap them in dynamite and fire them out of a cannon-which they stole from the same circus- causing explosions inside.  Before that happens, however, a shoot-out occurs between the agents and the killers inside.  Naturally, the disruption is not taken well.  Amidst the chaos and action, the slutty nun lady is killed, ending her romance sub-plot with Jones.  Remember how I said that a lot of this was filler?  With danger above and chaos below, things don't look good for the star of Sniper!

Action, action, action.  The movie certainly does not skimp on that.  However, their cast of mostly-disposable characters doesn't really provide any underlying drama to this.  A bunch of good guys die- mostly the filler agents- and a few bad guys die- including Jones.  The master of disguise fakes being injured in order for one of the men to get him past the sealed door to the bunker.  The man who lets him in is so adamant about this, in fact, that he shoots the man stopping him...only to be shot by the killer.  You're in contention for Dumb-ass of the Year, especially since you got another guy killed too.  After messing with the power, the crazy girl from the family busts in through a wall...and gets shot in the head.  Thanks for coming.  The two remaining crazies- since the fat brother got killed by Jones- start shooting the bunker door.  Berenger gives a speech about how he has to give his life closure and take out the guys with a dead man switch rigged to his wheelchair.  An explosion ensues, leading to the beginning...which is also The End.

Oops- I forgot the awkward exposition wrap-up and finale.  Ernie Hudson shows up to explain what really happened.  The guy who hired the hit was...Berenger.  All of of the bullshit earlier about Neo-Nazi groups and such was a lie to disguise the truth.  He had been working as a double-agent for years and was close to having his cover blown.  He hired the people as a way to create his 'death' and escape.  We get the ending from The Usual Suspects as Berenger walks into his car to leave...but that is disrupted by our hero popping around the corner and killing him.  That wrapped in a pointless and silly way.  The End.

Holy pointless-convolution, Batman!  The plot of this movie is wrapped up like a sushi roll.  The problem is that the more you unwrap it, you realize that it's not filled with fish, but with ridiculous bullshit.  The movie expects you to buy into a whole lot just because they say so.  Well, guess what- No.  I don't buy that the redneck family could do all the stuff that they do.  I don't buy that Vinnie Jones can walk into the bar and nobody thinks anything.  When a guy who looks like a soccer hooligan walks into a Jazz Club, it gets noticed!  I don't buy that the master-of-disguise can make these masks and copy voice patterns so easily.  Furthermore, how did he get a mask made out of the agent's face when didn't get the assignment until two days ago?  I don't buy that nobody would be able to figure out this ridiculous ruse by Berenger.  Aside from all that though, the movie has a lot of action and some attempts at humor.  Some of the jokes are obvious- like the clown bit- but others are just obtuse.  For example, what's with the green screen effects during the bit with the rednecks in their van (see below).  They start changing the background- which they stole from Airplane and Naked Gun- but never address it.  Is that a riff?  The bottom line- this movie thinks that it is clever, but it's really just in love with itself.

Up next, we get an unrelated sequel to a thriller about a killer in a truck.  Well, the last movie starred Paul Walker, so I'm sure that they can top it...right?  Stay tuned...